02x10 - The Prodigal Father-in-Law

[bunniefuu]

♪ There is more to life
than what you're living

♪ So take a chance
and face the wind

♪ An open road
and a road that's hidden

♪ A brand new life
around the bend

♪ There were times
when I lost a dream or two

♪ Found the trail
and at the end was you

♪ There's a path you take
and a path not taken

♪ The choice is up to you
my friend

♪ Nights are long
but you might awaken

♪ To a brand new life

♪ Brand new life

♪ Brand new life
around the bend ♪

Okay...

There...

Gin, Grandma.

You owe me exactly
$1 million.

Would you settle
for a triple scoop of

chocolate-chocolate-chip
ice cream?

No, I'll take the cash.

What exactly did you say to
the man when he cut you off?

Oh, that was Italian
for "have a nice day."

Hi, darling.

Hi, Mom.

Gin, again.

Mom, I need
a good tax shelter.

Most kids say, "Hi, Mom,
what'd you bring me?"

This kid of yours
has just fleeced me
out of $2 million.

It's like babysitting
for Nick the Greek.

Sweetheart, were there
any calls for me?

Yes, Jim Peterson,
from the office,

called at 4:00 to say he'd be
at 555-4545 until 5:00.

Then he called at 5:00
to say he'll be at



Then he called at 6:00
to say he's home.

You have the number.

What a memory.
Give me some skin.

Don't leave me hanging.

That was great!
That was great.

-Did you do your homework?
-Oh, I forgot.

Oh, and Tony, a guy called you
about Nick Milano.

-Grandpa?
-Yeah.

They said his parole hearing's
been changed.

What's parole?

-It's...
-It's when you
get out of jail.

But you must have heard wrong

'cause my grandpa
is in Florida.

Yeah, there's no parole
from Florida.

Uh, honey, you sure
that wasn't for me?

The man must
have said payroll.

Payroll! Payroll,
right? Payroll.

Okay, then Nick Milano's
payroll hearing

has been moved from
the courthouse to the jail.

Thanks, pal.

-Dad?
-Yeah.

Jonathan, why don't
we go upstairs.

I'll help you
with your homework.

Okay, you can color Ecuador.

Fabulous.

Dad,

is Grandpa in jail?

Yeah, he is, honey.

You said he was in Florida.

Well, I... I guess I should
have said penitentiary

instead of Pensacola.

My grandfather is in prison?

Yeah, right here in
Connecticut. Nearby.
Near...here...

How come? What happened?

Well, you see,
your grandfather

made a lot of money selling
used auto parts.

So?

The people that owned them
weren't quite through
using them, yet.

Yeah. And then he asked
this judge to go easy on him

and just like Grandpa,
he thanked him in advance,
in cash.

He fenced hot auto parts
and bribed a judge?

Yeah, yeah, and then
once you're there

it's just a hop, skip
and a jump to tax evasion.

Right there.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I... Hey, I wanted to,

but your grandfather, Nick,
he made me promise...
He begged me.

He didn't want
his only granddaughter
getting the wrong impression.

My grandfather's a crook!

That's the impression
he didn't want you to get.

I can't believe
you lied to me.

Sweetheart, I was just
trying to protect you.

Dad, I don't need
to be protected.

I'm 13 years old.

Yeah, well, you were only 12
when he got sent up.

-Nice try.
-Oh!

Hon, look, I know
I should've leveled with you,

I'm sorry. But hey,
he's your grandfather.

I never want to see
his face again.

Come on, Sam.

She took that
better than I thought.

you coming along
with me, Angela.

Oh, sure, Tony,

I just wanted the parole board
to know that

Nick's got some good,
solid law-abiding citizens
in his corner.

I hear this place
allows conjugal visits.

Well, they probably haven't
had you know what
since lunch.

-Here comes Nick!

-MEN: Nick, Nick, Nick...
-You know something?

Wait till you see Nick.
You ain't gonna believe it.

Something weird
has happened to him.

He got nice.

-Hey! My friends.
-My man!

My friends...

Isn't it a glorious day
to be alive?

Willie got the chair.

All right, for the rest
of us then.

Oh! It's so wonderful

-to be back in the bosom
of my family...

And friends.

Ladies, I want you
to meet my colleagues.

This is Howard,
and Myron, and Torch.

This is Mona

and Angela, and you all know
my son-in-law, Tony.

-Tony.
-Hey, Torch, what's cooking?

Hey,

you're pretty.

Thank you, Torch.

Mrs. Robinson,

let me feast
my hungry eyes upon thee.

He makes up stuff like that
all the time.

I don't know.
Prison brings out
the poet in me.

I'll tell you something.
These gray walls
can change a man.

I can't wait
to get out of here.

I'm gonna make
my family proud.

You...

And my little Sambina.

Uh, Nick, funny you
should mention Samantha.

I can't wait to see her, Tony.

You know, I've been sunning
in the rec yard every day

Does she also know
my Swiss bank account number,

Mr. Ratfink informer?

Hey, hey, what happened
to Saint Nick?

Oh, never mind.
You may not care
what Samantha thinks of me,

but she's
my only granddaughter.

I don't want her to think
I'm a crook.

-You are a crook.
-Picky, picky, picky.

I ask you to tell
one lousy little lie

and you can't even
do that right.

Hey, hey, hey,
don't you lay this on me.

I tried to cover your tracks,
but you leave big tracks.

-Ah! Stool pigeon!
-Jailbird!

Loser!

BOTH: Oofa!

This man...

This man is so beautiful.

He took a rotten bum
like me

and turned him into
something that I just...

I never thought I'd be...

A friend.

Thanks, cupcake.

-Cupcake?
-Shh!

He must work
in the prison bakery.

Thank you, Torch.

Let it be noted Mr. Milano

has established
an excellent rapport

with his fellow inmates.

Hi, Angela.

Oh. Yo, Torch.

But the parolee must
also demonstrate

that he has good relations
with his family.

Are any of Mr. Milano's
relatives present?

Yeah, I am.

I'm Tony Micelli,

I'm Nick Milano's son-in-law

and I probably know him better
than anyone else here.

I'll give you
the real truth on him.

Tony, Tony, Tony, please.
Tony, please.

Um. For years the name
Nick Milano has meant
three things to me.

Thief.

Liar.

And all-around rotten guy.

Thanks.

But since I've
been coming here

and you know,
I've seen him change.

I've seen a change
come over Nick Milano,

and now
I'm proud to call him...

Nick.

Well, so he's made
a few mistakes.

Is that a crime?

Well, in this case it is.

But that's the great thing
about this country.

You make a mistake,
you pay for it,

they give you another chance.

I mean, hey,

is this the face
of a hardened criminal?

If you believe in truth,

if you believe in justice,

if you believe
in the good old American way,

you give Nick Milano
another chance!

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, Tony, you were wonderful.

Just like Jimmy Stewart in
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

I was glued to my chair.

Come on, you're probably
sitting in gum.

Order, order, please, order.

After hearing the testimony

and considering
all the evidence,

the board has made a decision

concerning the early parole
of Nicholas Milano.

Oh, this is it, fella.

Nick, you're out of here,
baby.

Parole denied.

When I see injustice
like that in the world,

it makes me so mad
I just wanna...

Nick, how did you get out?

-How did you get in?
-How'd you get here?

I took a cab.

You took a cab,
or you took a cab?

I hailed the cab,
I rode in it, I paid for it.

Tony,
this turkey is a tad dry.

Got any mayo?

I'll give you dry.
Listen to me!

You broke out of jail, Nick?

You're not supposed
to do that!

You're supposed to stay there.

That's what the bars are for.

There ain't a minimum
security prison built

that Nick Milano
can't break out of.

Nick,
I'm new at the prison game,

but it seems to me
the parole board felt
pretty strongly

that you should hang around
for a few more months.

Those guys wouldn't know
a reformed man

if he hit 'em over the head
with a lead pipe.

So, I took it
to a higher court.

-What higher court?
-The big guy upstairs.

I went back to my cell,

I knelt on
that cold hard cement floor

and said, "Lord,

"if you want me to stay

"in this rotten stinkin' hole,

"give me a sign."

Nothing happened, so I left.

I know just how
you did it, too, huh?

The guards,
they think you're asleep

in your crummy rotten cell.
But that ain't you.

It's a life-like dummy
made up of newspaper and spit.

But by the time
the cops find out,

see you've flown the coop
and you're suckin'
free air, baby! Huh?

-Is that what happened?
-Close.

I borrowed this uniform
and I went out the back door.

I... I just couldn't stay
in there

knowing that my little Sambina
hated me.

Nick,

your sentence was up
in eight months.

You could have
strolled out a free man.

Now they're gonna be after you
with dogs and g*ns.

Coming here? To my house?

It's worth the risk.

I'm not sure.

Gee, you know,
it's awfully bright in here.

Uh, Tony,
would you make sure

that it's not too bright
in the rest of the house?

Angela, it's not like the cops
are gonna surround us.

Well, I'm sorry, Tony.
I'm just not as calm
as the rest of you.

This happens to be
my first fugitive.

Don't... Don't think of me
as a fugitive.

Think of me as self-paroled.

I don't mean to be
an ungracious hostess.

But would you go back
to prison immediately?

Angela, please don't ask
me to do that.

I gotta make it right
with my little Sam,
you know?

Oh, come on.
What are you trying to do?

You're trying to break
a grandfather's heart?

-Nick, you know...
-Tony, we have to talk.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

-Now?
-Now!

Be back.

Tony, I know this is
very painful for you,

but you have got
to turn him in.

Angela, it's not that simple.

I mean, where I come from,
you don't rat on family.

Not even in-laws.

I mean, hey, this is
the code of the street.

Well, Tony, where I come from,

a good citizen cooperates
with the police.

And that is the code
of the cul-de-sac.

All right,
tell me all about it then.

What was the worst thing
about doing time?

I...

I think it was the mixer
with the women's prison.

Those girls are mean.

Not like you.

You've got style.

You've got grace.

You've got all of your teeth.

He's a fugitive.

Angela, he's family.

Well, Tony, I have a family
myself to think about

and you're putting us
all in jeopardy.

Oh, come on, Angela,
just let him stay long enough
to see Samantha.

You're putting her
in jeopardy, too.

Tony, you have got
to talk to him.

Angela, I just walked
in the room.

I've got to work up to this.

Hi, Nick, hit the road.

I had a feeling
it was gonna happen.

I guess I'm gonna
have to be going.

Nick.

Where will you go?

I don't know.

Whatever hellhole
fate dumps me in.

Probably Rio.

That settles that.

-Have a nice flight.
-Oh! Oh, no!
Wait a minute, Angela! Angela!

Come on, Tony,
talk to her, will you?

Hey, talk to her yourself.

Come on, Angela,
talk to me yourself.

Please, don't let me
go like this.

I mean I just wanna see
my little Sambina.

One more time, okay?

That's my only wish.

-SAMANTHA: Dad I'm home.

Thank you.

Could I have one more wish?

Dad, listen to me,
I've got great news.

Sambina.

Hey, look who came to see you.

Your grandpa!

I don't have a grandpa.

-Sam.

-Samantha...
-What?

Hey, remember,
yesterday you said

you didn't want to be treated
like a kid anymore?

-Yeah, so?
-All right.

I'm gonna ask you to do
something very grown-up.

-Go talk to you grandfather.
-Forget it.

TONY: Wait! Wait a minute.
What happened to grown-up?

That's the beauty of being 13.
You could go either way.

This is your grandfather
and he cares what you think.

Yeah? If he cares so much,
why does he do
all those rotten things?

-Sam, I don't know, because...
-Because?

NICK: Because...

That's who I am.

Tony, please, could I?

Hey, it's not up to me.

It's okay, Dad.

I'll talk to him.

Kids are growing up fast
these days.

NICK: Sambina,

Sam,

look...

There are two kinds of people.

The good kind
and the bad kind.

Now your father,

he's the good kind.

The best kind.

Don't you dare tell him
I ever told you that.

As for your grandfather...

I'm just no good.

I mean, if there's
a right choice
or a wrong choice,

I will pick the wrong choice.

I mean, nothing good
ever came out of me...

Except your mother.

And you.

Hey, Sam,

do you really hate me?

Oh, Grandpa.

I don't hate you.

I just hate the things you do.

But I guess
you were my grandpa
before you were a crook.

Let me see...

I guess I was.

But now everything's great
because you made parole.

Right... Wrong, wrong!

Look, Sam, about the...

Isn't that funny?

Happens to me every time
I try to tell the truth...

Sam, the truth is...

I was in prison

working undercover
for the government.

Stop that!

I didn't make parole.

I broke out of prison.

You escaped?

To see you.

I love you, Sam.

I love you, too.

But you escaped?

Talk about a wrong choice!

JONATHAN: Hey, Mom, open up.
The door's locked.

It's Jonathan!
What should I do?

Well, Angela,
when you were a child

what I usually did
was open the door.

Perhaps that's where
I made my mistake.

Mother, I'm a little
concerned about him.

There is a fugitive
in the house.

You know
he's very impressionable.

He could be
psychologically damaged.

Hi, Tony.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Grandma.

-Hi, Nick, how was prison?
-It was a drag, kid.

Yeah, so is school.
See ya.

Jonathan, let me
borrow that radio.

Maybe there's
some news about that

psychologically
damaging fugitive.

That's some little girl
we've got in there.

She's so good,
she's so honest.

Well, she got that from
my side of the family, Nick.

She wants me
to go back to prison.

She wants me
to finish my sentence.

I hope you said you would.

I told her
I'd think about it very hard.

This is a very tough decision.

Prison... Rio...

Prison... Rio...

Prison... Rio.

Adios, amigos.

Nick, just once can't you do
the right thing?

It is out of my hands.

Nick, adios.

Every time I see
a Carmen Miranda movie,

I'll think of you.

Chickie, chickie boom chick!

Hey, hey, Nick.

There's something about
the prison. Wait a minute.

What?
Did they mention my name?

No, no, no.
It's not about you.
It's about...

The prison is so crowded
that the Governor is gonna be
letting people out.

A general amnesty?

That's just what he said.

Well, how general
is this amnesty?

Anybody who's sentence
is up within a year

should be out
by the end of the week.

-That's me. That's me!
-Yeah!

I'm free.
I'm free from prison.

-But you're not in prison.
-Uh-oh!

Oh, I think
breaking out of prison

is going to affect
your parole status.

No! Not if they don't know
I escaped.

Bed check isn't
until 10:00.

Well, Grandpa, did you think
about what we talked about?

I did, sweetheart. I did.
And I am going back to prison.

Fast! Taxi!

I'm going to give him a lift.

You can never get a taxi when
you're breaking into prison.

Oh, I'm so glad Grandpa's
going back to jail.

You know,

I feel I helped him
make the right decision.

You did, baby.

-I'm gonna say goodbye.
-I love you.

I love you, too.

How about that news report
just when we needed it.

Unbelievable.

Go figure.

You think Nick's going
to be mad

when he finds out
I made it up?

You mean you lied?

There was no general amnesty?

That wasn't the Governor
you heard?

No, but the Jets are up
by seven at the half.

TONY: Who's the Boss?
will be back in a moment.

Stick around.

They're here. They're here.

Tony and Sam are here.

Mom, how come Sam got to
go to prison and I didn't?

Because Sam's grandfather
is a convict, dear.

None of our relatives
went to prison.

What a gyp.

Hey, we're back
from the slammer.

Oh, hi. How'd you do?
Is Nick talking to you yet?

Oh, yeah,
he's talking to me. Sure.

He had plenty to say.

Most of it was Italian
for "Have a nice day."

Look what Grandpa gave me.

Oh, neat!
Did he make it himself?

No, no, his friend
made that, you know.

His friend's in
maximum security.

Grandpa is minimum security.

He makes business cards.

-He made you this one.
-Oh!

"Nicholas Milano.

"Hardened Criminal."

Hey, Angela,
I also have something for you.

A note from a secret admirer.

Who's that?

-Torch.