03x11 - Feast or Famine

[bunniefuu]

You know, I'm going to tell you something.

Y'all must be special.

I don't just let anybody peep the old family album.

Gina, baby, wake up.

Oh, who are these people?

Oh, that's the family portrait

Taken after one of our thanksgiving dinners.

Gina, check it out.

Back then, mom and them used to hook dinner up.

I'm glad those big thanksgiving dinners are played out.

That's what I'm talking about.

Y'all just can't cook.

I've cooked thanksgiving dinner for you before.

Yeah, like last year

When you forgot to k*ll the damn bird

Before you cooked it.

I ain't seen that much bloodshed since scarface.

[Italian accent] I told you. No kids. No turkeys.

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

We're going in three minutes,

O.k., But if you want to hit the mall,

Then hit it.

O.k., I'll let her know.

Look, baby, it's like this.

The women of the house,

They're supposed to cook thanksgiving dinner.

That's just tradition.

Calm down.

O.k.?

Now, some of you nineties women

Have just gotten a little lazy.

Brotha, please!

Women work just as hard as the men.

Who told you that?

You should try cooking dinner for yourself.

That's if you can reach the stove... Short boy-ardee.

Oh, short boy-ardee, like that?

I said it. Uh-huh.

Tommy, you better check your pet, all right...

Before I go put the tazer on her fat bam.

Right there.

Better talk to her.

Right here.

Wow, you guys,

This year, I thought

We could go to the movies for thanksgiving

And afterwards go out to dinner.

When I was young,

My mom would bake pies, cakes, and cobblers.

We'd talk about what we had to be thankful for.

I guess y'all didn't talk about hair.

You know, baby, you need to cool it on him on that.

Check tommy's choice of words.

He said his mom cooked.

Is it coming in? Is you thinking?

Is something swirling?

My daddy used to cook, and he loved it.

Your daddy used to cook, what's so funny?

And he loved it! Ha ha!

You know, tommy, I think it's very sexy when a man can cook.

Huh?

Very sexy.

You know--ahem.

Watch him.

I--i can cook, baby.

You know, I'm a damn good cook, too.

W-wait a minute.

Scoopy, whose side are you on, man?

The one rubbing all up against me now.

Martin, uh, look, man...

She put a net. Mm-mwa!

You just purring like a cat.

It's got nothing to do with that.

We should cook for the women this year.

Are you getting light in your a*s?

No.

A lot of men are great chefs.

Yeah. Word. Word.

Like uncle ben.

Yo, brother cook the hell out of some rice.

If we let y'all cook,

I'll never hear the end of it. That's out.

That's right. You are right.

I'll throw it up in your face every chance I get...

Everychance iget.

You know, tommy, I was just looking so forward

To your, uh...stuffing.

Hey, brother, do you use stovetop

Or the kind that come in the turkey already?

Do you use stovetop--

Martin, I think that we should cook here,

And the women should cook at pam's.

Why don't we put a little bet on it?

Whoever cooks the better meal wins.

The losers have to wash dishes until christmas.

Eh heh.

Ah ha ha ha!

I got it.

You got it?

I got it.

You can have it.

Gina, you ought to know if you go up against me,

You--you can't win.

Am I supposed to be...

Scared?

All right, y'all, let's do this.

O.k.?

I ain't trying to lose no bet.

Here we go. Tommy, what we got in the cookbook?

"Step --remove the innards

From the abdominal cavity."

What does that mean?

Snatch out the guts.

Martin, do the turkey.

Cole, you start on the chocolate cake.

Let me get my tools.

Cole, hold the flashlight so I can do this

'Cause this is going to be a rough one.

Martin?

What are you doing?

Taking precautions.

You don't know who this turkey's been with.

This is going to be a rough one.

Cole, hold the flashlight.

Put the light on it.

I'm going in.

Hey, hey.

Rahh!

Aah!

Uhh!

Oh!

Ah!ew!

Wipe!

Ahh, wipe.

Here we go.

Ahh. Whew!

All right. "Step -- season the bird."

Season the bird. Season the bird.

God, eh!

Season the bird.

Martin! Martin!

What's up with all the pepper, man?

What you want to do is make it spicy.

The trick is you use the same amount of salt

To kind of even it out.

Don't let me get started on the paprika.

Then you smack it and flip it and rub it down,

And it's all good.

It's all good.

How's it going with that cake over there?

Cool, man. Just got to get rid of some of these eggshells.

Don't sweat with the eggshells.

No. That's going to settle at the bottom,

And that makes for good crust. Yeah.

You been taking cooking lessons behind our back?

I don't like to talk about my cooking thing,

But, yeah, I cook. I cook.

My mama always say,

"If you want it good,

You got to throw your drawers in it."

My grandmother would say that.

"Baby, did you put your drawers in it?"

Yeah. Give it a kind of scent.

Give it some odor.

Tommy, hit the tv,

And let's see if the game's on.

Yeah.

There.

Hey, martin, look! Got a man wide open!

Pass it! Pass it!

Oh, damn.

Dropped it.

See? They don't listen.

They did it all wrong.

Had they did it like this--

Get down. Smack.

Down!

Down, set!

!

!

!

!

Hut!

Uhh!

Hey!

No! No! No!

Don't spike it. We got to eat that.

My bad.

Whoa. Yeah.

That turkey got a little weight to it.

Turkey got a little weight.

We get this baby to cooking,

And the grub is on.

Cole, cole, cole...

What you doing with the candy, bro?

Brothers, you said you wanted candied yams,

Am I right?

Right on. Right on.

You got the goods we ordered?

O.k. Candies. Right.

Whoo, get this.

Hey, all we got to do is sit back

And wait to collect on our bet.

Let me grease the turkey down.

You don't want the legs ashy.

You don't want the knees ashy.

Cole, get me some baby oil out the room.

Can you believe their attitudes?

Martin expects you to cook like his mother.

Tell him you are not his mother.

I'm putting my foot down.

I'm going over there

And calling this stupid bet off.

Hey, who got your back?

That's right. I mean, come on.

I'll tell him we're going out to eat. That's final.

Martin's mother's got him spoiled rotten.

Happy thanksgiving, chickenhead!

No.

Well, don't just stand there, chickenhead!

Take the damn bags!

Come on up in here, florine.

Everybody, this is my cousin florine.

You sure didn't lie.

Look at the head on that one.

Is it thick? I say, is it thick?

Ah whoo whoo whoo whoo!

It's really good to see you, mama payne,

But why are you here?

Girl, I'm here to help out with dinner

'Cause you ain't about to poison my baby

With the lowdown schemingest cooking.

I don't know what the emotional attachment is

That my son has for you.

That's why I'm here if you want to know.

That's sweet.

That's really, really sweet,

But you know what?

Every time I come, you get me emotional.

We have everything worked out, o.k.?

Everything is fine.

It's done, all right?

Are you trying to push up on me?

No!

I'm not trying to push up on anybody, o.k.?

It's just that we all decided

To go out for thanksgiving dinner this year.

No, no, no!

No, no! I won't hear of it.

Now, me and cousin florine are cooking, and that is it!

O.k., This is thanksgiving.

That's a wonderful idea

That you guys help us cook.

I'm so glad y'all came over.

I like her.

She's just so calm.

Isn't she?

I knew that you would.

Don't put your hands on my face no more, baby.

Ooh, did I tell you?

You know it ain't too late for you and my martin.

Oh, no offense, mama payne,

But it ain't going to happen, cap'n.

What? What was that?

Ouch. Nothing.

Some hip-hop slang?

Some of that ah! Ah! Ah!

Cut that out!

No.

'Cause mama knock you out!

Uhh--ltzzzz!

I'm just playing, baby.

You know, I like you, baby,

But don't get cute.

You ain't too old to catch a skillet upside your head.

Clang!

Ooh!

Yoo yoo yoo yoo!

Yoo yoo yoo yoo!

Let's take the cooking in the kitchen.

Grab a bag. Come on, now.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hold on. Wait a minute.

What?

Something-- something's burning.

Cole, I thought you were supposed to be watching the turkey.

I was watching the game like you.

What do you mean?

I can't find it.

Watch out. Watch out.

Oh, man!

Aw, man.

That is rank!

Ah!

Puh!

Ah!

Where's--where's the rest of it?

There it is, right there.

What are we going to do now?

What? There ain't nothing wrong with that turkey.

That's a good damn turkey.

I like dark meat.

You just scrape it off like toast. Look.

That comes right off just like toast.

Yo, yo, fellas!

Something trying to get out of the oven, man.

Everybody grab something, all right?

Whatever's in there, we're whupping its a*s.

Bring it on.

You ready?

Bring it on.

Ah!

Grr!

Oh, oh, oh, hold it.

Hold it, y'all.

It's, uh, it's my cake.

It's my cake. It's cool.

Martin, help me get this.

All right. Bring it on around.

Come on. Ah!

It, uh...

It ain't that bad.

It ain't that bad.

Why's it growing?

Oh!hey!

Aah!

Ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Yeah.

Ha.

Ooh, look at y'all--

Grown men scared of a cake.

Oh, no.

I don't know that this just any cake.

What it--

What the--

What the...

You know you always was better than me

With that cornbread.

Oh, w-w-wait a minute, florine.

You still chucking them peas, big face?

Yeah.

What? What did you say, gina?

Don't mess with me, gina,

'Cause I'll take you here

And back again!

Go to the chuck and boom!

Aah-rrr!

Don't play with me, gina.

Whoo.

Now, just pass me those peas.

Did you say pass the peas

Like you used to do?

I said pass the peas like we used to do.

♪ Whoo, pass the peas ♪

♪ Like we used to do ♪

♪ Pass the peas like we used to do ♪

♪ Pass the peas like we used to do ♪

♪ Pass the peas like we used to do ♪

♪ Ow, pass the peas like we used to do ♪

♪ Oh, pass the peas like we used to do ♪

Ow!

Whoo!

Pam, you got such a lovely voice...

Thank you.

You know.

But we couldn't hear you over gina.

She does tend to sing over me.

Sound like somebody choking a damn cat.

Eew! Eew!

Now, how would you have sing it

If you wasn't drowned out?

Oh, let's see, now. Uh...

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Like we used to do ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Like we used to do ♪

♪ Say, pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪

♪ Pass the peas ♪♪

Mama?

Ahh.

We going to win, you know it.

Let's go.

O.k.,Fellas,

Show uswhat yougot.

Losers.

"Losers."

You want to stop breathing over the food?

The only thing losers could come up with...

Is this.

Bah!

And this!

And this.

Suave.

Now, w-what y'all got?

Ha ha ha!

I don't know, gina.

I mean, all we have are, um...

[Sniffing]

These...

And those...

And...

That!

O.k.?

Don't try it!

Don't tell us we can't cook.

All right. Wait a minute.

The nose. I'm--

Wait a minute.

Somebody's living foul.

Somebody's living...

What? What?

Get off of them.

Get off of them.

Tommy, taste one of them.

They're my mama's biscuits.

They're my mama's biscuits.

Here. Here, gina. No.

Y'all cheated!

Them are mama's biscuits.

Y'all didn't do nothing

But snap them raggedy-a*s peas.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Looks like, uh, we won.

That's right.

The soap is under the sink.

Get the soap. Start the brushing.

I want to hear--

Ah! Tut-tut!

Tut-tut!

Not so fast, o.k.?

Somebody else is living foul around here.

Look, brother,

I never seen a turkey

With , , legs!

!

Wait a minute.

Just count them for yourself.

O.k., You got--

Just take your time.

O.k.

Go ahead.

You got ...

......

Yeah?

..

That's a wing, so .

You got .

Ain't nobody said nothing to you.

Ain't nobody saying nothing.

Let's eat.

Hold up! Hold up!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute.

Plastic silverware?

Cole, where'd you get it?

I don't know. Martin--

No. Martin can't help you now.

Where'd you get the plastic?

Hush your mouth. Don't you say.

I don't know, but it wasn't a caterer.

I mean...

Oh, man!

A caterer!

Y'all cheating!

My mother cooked your food, gina.

What? You don't know that.

I slaved over those peas.

But I'm the one y'all called--

Hold on!

Hold on!

Baby.

Don't yell at me.

Sorry, honey. Guys, listen--

Check her.

I'm checking her!

Listen, let's all check ourselves, o.k.?

The way I see it,

After checking ourselves,

We allcheated.

I--

No! The way I see it,

We have a table full of food, y'all.

Let's just eat before it gets cold.

Never mind, man.

Never mind, o.k.?

Pam's face made me lose my appetite.

I've had enough of that.

We went through all this,

And nobody's going to eat?

Y'all should have listened to me.

We could be at the movies.

You want to go to the movies, I'll drive.

Only if you bring your booster seat

So you can see over the wheel.

Keep messing with me, and I'll get in ya.

Hey, diane.

How y'all doing?

Hey, diane.

You better stop messing with me.

What the hell? Somebody done...

What happened?

Damn been in the cranberry!

The biscuits.

They even been in the potatoes.

They've even been in the gravy.

Whazzup?

Hold up.

Bro man, no, you did not eat all the thanksgiving dinner.

Everything was hitting, too...

Except for them raggedy-a*s peas.

Raggedy-a*s peas.

That's what he said.

Say something. This is too much.

I-i'm going to do something, baby.

Bro man, I mean serious.

You come up through here.

You don't knock, don't talk to me.

What are we supposed to eat?

We hungry.

What are we supposed to eat? Are you crazy?

Naw...

Just hungry, mart.

He's hungry.

He's hungry.

But you've got our whole damn--

I'm about to go over to mom's house

Over on th street and eat up some more.

Y'all can roll if ya wants to.

I'm hungry.

Starving.me, too.

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

[Music plays]

What you doing here?

I came back for my tupperware.

What's that y'all listening to?

Oh, that's millie jackson's new song, love quake.

I heard that.

Let me see what you got.

♪ They say don't mess with mother nature ♪

♪ But I'm giving her a try ♪

♪ I'm too old for... ♪

♪ But I'm too young to die ♪

♪ I've been to the mountain ♪

♪ And I'm knockin' on heaven's door ♪

♪ So make like a... ♪♪