03x17 - The Ex-Files

[bunniefuu]

Have you finished your guest list for the wedding?

Have you finished your guest list for the wedding?

Yeah. One minute. One minute.

I got that all there. O.k.

Whoo! Girl, here's the big one.

Here you go.

Martin, this is over people.

Baby, if that's not enough,

Here's my mama's list.

Look what she got on there because--

No. Oh, lord.

Martin, baby, there's too many guests.

We have too many guests. Somebody's got to go.

O.k. I don't want to upset you

Before the wedding 'cause you make me nervous.

And I know you know when.

Let's go here. Let's lose this brother right here.

Martin, that's my father!

So what's the problem?

Martin, you can't invite everybody you've ever met.

Like who is this, mrs. Tolliver?

I've never heard of her before.

Who's that?

Come on, gina.

Mrs. Tolliver was my nursery school teacher, baby.

She saved my life.

The woman stopped me from eating glue, gina.

If I would've ate glue,

Your man would've been here, girl,

Just like this.

Martin, you can try all your tricks, o.k.?

But we can't afford all these people.

See, gina, baby, that is where you're wrong.

The more people we invite,

The more gifts we get, baby.

They just hands them out.

That's what they do.

Sign 'em up, hand 'em out.

Baby, come here. Let me talk to you.

What is it?

If you...

Yeah.

Don't cut out some of the people on your list,

We can't afford our honeymoon in jamaica.

Jamaica?

With the king-size bed and the poolside room

At the pelican inn.

Mmm! Girl, damn. Why we got to go to jamaica?

Why don't we just put on some ♪ shabba ♪?

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Captioning made possible by warner bros.

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

We're going in three minutes,

This is much better.

It wasn't so hard cutting this down, was it?

Setting my mama's list on fire really wasn't necessary.

Hold up.

Tanya stevens?

Why are you inviting your ex-girlfriend to my wedding?

Because me and tanya used to be tight.

Besides, her and my mama still hang out together.

Your mother has made it clear

She wants tanya to marry you instead of me.

Baby, what makes you think that?

The woman still has tanya's picture

Hanging over the fireplace.

O.k. I'm going... I'm going to be real.

Fine!

Hold on. I'm going to be real with you.

Uh...

Mama would hang your picture up, gina...

Mm-hmm.

But mama don't like you.

Martin, tanya's name is off the list.

Say bye-bye. Bye-bye!

Oh, whoa.

Is my baby a little jealous?

Oh, come on, gina.

I thought you was bigger than that. Huh?

Like you wouldn't be jealous

If I invited... Derrick to the wedding.

Please! Corny-a*s derrick?

The one you used to go out with

Before you met a real man?

Martin, you would have a fit

If I had even had dinner with derrick,

Let alone invited him to the wedding.

You don't know your man

Like I thought you knew your man, baby!

That is a small thing...

To a giant.

Oh, so you cool with it?

O.k. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Whazzup?

...

What's going on?

What are you doing, babe?

Oh, I'm making dinner plans with derrick.

He always did like italian...

Or was that chinese?

You know derrick.

Or was that chinese? Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

So you and derrick still chit-chatting?

Y'all still lollygagging? Is that what's going on?

What's up with remembering of the numbers?

I'm not understanding, baby.

Ha! Ha, martin! I don't even know derrick's number.

I'm just proving that you are more jealous

Than I am, o.k.?

Ha ha haaa!

O.k.?

Baby, you ain't proved nothing.

You are the one who is jealous, gina.

But that's natural...

As fine as I am.

Why don't we find out who's jealous

And who's not?

What you got in mind, gina?

'Cause I'm not getting it.

Mmm...dinner. You invite tanya, I invite derrick.

You ought to know you can't get with me on this one.

You don't want to do that to yourself.

Oh, brother, please.

I am too smooth to lose, o.k.?

You're too smooth to lose.

Let me tell you something.

I'm smooth as ice and twice as nice.

And I ain't never had a bad day in my damn life.

What does that mean?

I don't know but it sounds smooth.

♪ Fellas' night out now ♪♪

Here we are, man.

We're checking out the game, right?

Having some drinks, sh**ting some pool.

Ooh! I wish pam was here.

Please. If y'all were together,

You wouldn't be doing nothing

But watching her bay at the moon.

All right, check this out.

I'm about to hit your head

In the corner pocket.

No pressure.

I win again.

I didn't want to hit it too hard.

Don't do that on me.

Yeah! Pay up, big tommy.

You got lucky.

Right there. There.

Look, tell me something.

You're not really going to go through

This dinner thing with tanya, are you?

Why not? It'll give tanya one last chance

To see what she's missed

And make gina more grateful she got me.

'Cause absence makes the heart grow fonder!

You crazy, man.

Oh. Oh, man.

I mean, like tonight, right?

Yeah.

I bet pam is sitting around

Just wondering what I'm doing.

Acting like she out having a good time with the girls.

Doing what, knocking over trash cans?

I ain't going to say she's, like...

Look, look. Look who just came through the door.

You see? She can't stay away from me.

She had to come hunting me down.

Oh, yeah. That's a fine bloodhound there.

Mighty fine.

Hey, baby, baby. Pam.

Come here, baby.

How you doing?

Hey, tommy. How you, sweetheart?

Look, I got to roll out, you know.

Pam, really good to see you.

I see y'all travel in packs.

Whoooo-hoo!

Excuse me. I'm going to step on out.

Tommy, if you need me, man,

Hit me on the pager.

All right.

Who was that? I do not like his attitude.

Girl, don't even try.

You know you recognize that basketball player.

What's his name-- spudless webb?

Oww! You go on, babe.

Here you are.

Hey, baby.

So what's up, girl?

You couldn't stay away from me, could you?

How long has it been, three, four hours?

Well, to be honest, tommy,

I didn't know you were going to be here.

Oh, right...

Yeah. 'Cause, see--

Me and my boys,

We play that game, too.

O.k.

Pam, you didn't tell me tommy was so fine.

Oh, he's all right.

I couldn't have no man up under me,

Sweating me every two minutes, you know?

Don't even go there, patrice.

Tommy gives me plenty of space.

Y'all having fun yet?

Hey. What's happening, nipsey?

Well, they say it's me.

What can I do for you, martin?

You can hook me and my beautiful lady up

With a table.

Hook my man up.

Four, please.

Yeah. Yeah. Do that.

I hope derrick can find us.

Baby, derrick's right here.

What's up, derrick? What's happening?

That's not derrick.

Oh, damn. It must be urkel.

What's up, urkel? How you doing?

Hey, hey, hey!

Ba-by! Is that my first love?

Come here and give me some!

Derrick!

Look at you.

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, martin?

This is my fiancé martin right here. Martin?

Oh, hey. What's up?

Whazzup?

Whazzup, man?

Yeah. Well, martin.

Man, you are a lucky, lucky man.

You've got yourself a good woman.

Believe me. I know.

You know, derrick,

Let me tell you,

My father asks about you all the time.

Get out of here.

How is his golf game? I never could beat him.

Martin.

Martin! Aah!

Ohh!

Girl!

How's my first love?

Look how happy she is to see me.

Oh, martin, you haven't changed a bit.

But, uh, damn, you have.

I see you jingling, baby.

I know they say milk does a body good,

But, damn, how much milk you drinking?

I don't want to stare too long.

I don't want to stare too long.

So, derrick, what have you been up to with your busy life?

Well, I'm still in the music business.

Ooh, that must be fun.

So, what are you, a d.j.,

Scratchin' and mixin'

At house parties or something?

Scratch, scratchy, scratch!

No!

Actually I'm president of macktown records.

Number one singles, platinum albums this year.

Whoo!

That's right. As a matter of fact,

We signed one--

Ahh! Come on, brother,

Ain't nobody ask you about all that, man.

How do you make ends meet?

Fake-a*s, barry gordy...

You know what I mean?

Like he signed michael in there.

You know, martin used to be musically talented, too.

Yeah, martin who?

This martin.

You talking about him?

Uh-huh.

Like since when?

Baby, please. Don't be rude.

Let her finish.

Go on and finish telling about the musical talent.

♪ Dibby, dibby, dee ♪♪

Oh, come on, martin. You know all those songs

You used to write about my body.

Oh, keep that one.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, you know.

Like...

♪ Tanya nicole ♪

♪ I love your mole, and whenever you're passin' ♪

♪ I'm gonna catch th-- ♪♪

Hey!

Chill on that one. Chill on that one.

A voice!

Tanya, are you a singer?

Well...

I--i--i sing, too.

I mean derrick knows that I used to sing as well.

Sing, girl? You used to sing like an angel.

See?

Do you remember when we won the school talent show?

You still got those pipes?

Not really. I just sing in church

Or the shower.

Here's your potato skins.

♪ Ooh, she finally brought my potato skins ♪♪

Potato skins?

Potato skins?

Gina, are these still your favorite?

You remember?

Oh, I remember.

And I know that you like 'em with everything on it.

Oh, derrick.

No, no. I happen to know she likes 'em plain.

Open up the mouth, baby.

Stuff that.

But when we were in school,

She liked them my way.

You know, back in the day,

Martin liked his fruit just like this.

That's right.

And I liked the strawberries.

Uh-huh!

Martin.

Hmm? Hmm?

I see where this is going.

What's wrong?

Check this out.

Derrick, may I have another potato skin, please?

Thank you, with everything on it.

Oh, you want to go there?

Tanya, may I have some more fruit, please?

Sure.

With everything on it.

[Knock on door]

Hey, baby, I was just thinking about you.

Come on in.

I was just thinking about you, too.

Look, pam, I get what you were saying over at nipsey's.

Come on, tommy. It was just girls' night out.

That's all.

Every couple needs its breathing room.

You don't see martin on top of gina all the time.

I should be like martin?

Hell, no!

All I'm saying is

I don't want this relationship to get stale.

I mean, it's good that we be apart.

That way when we do get together...

It'll be even hotter.

Oh...

So you mean hot...

Like this?

No...no.

No?

No.

I mean hot like...this.

Like this.

Like this.

Oh, in that case, I can stay gone for about a week.

Oh!

I see you still have your skills.

Yes, I do indeed.

You remember when I won you that big engraved bowl?

Gina was so excited, she got up on the table, she was dancin'.

Oh! Oh, baby.

You dancin' on tables, huh?

Whazzup with that? I didn't know.

Spring break in florida, remember?

Oh...

No.

Spring break? No, I don't recall that.

I guess not. We went through a lot of tequila that night.

Wait a minute.

Drinking tequila and dancing on table tops.

Baby, you shock me.

I don't think that was me.

Come on, gina.

You and your sorority sisters

Up on the table singing and stepping and doing the butt.

No, no. It wasn't me.

It wasn't me.

Come on, gina.

Oh, wait a minute.

Martin and I used to have some good times.

Huh, martin?

Huh? Remember jamaica?

Oh!

Huh? Ha ha.

You won the limbo contest

At the pelican inn hotel.

Come on!

♪ Ggrrrrrr ♪

♪ How low can you go? ♪

Come on.

♪ How low can you go? ♪

♪ How low can you go? ♪♪

Come here.

You took her

To the pelican inn, to jamaica,

Where we're going to spend ourhoneymoon?

Yeah, baby, for security reasons.

To make sure the island was straight for you.

It's a great hotel.

You'll have a good time.

Just make sure he wears

Those leopard print speedos on the beach.

Leopard skin trunks!

Martin, how tacky.

That is just tacky.

What about you dancin' on tables

And carrying on and eatin' tater skins and--

Please, please, please. That was just one time.

I thought I knew you.

I thought I knew you, too, mr. I-write-the-songs.

♪ Tanya nicole, I love your mole ♪♪

What about you doing the butt, gina,

And eating tater skins?

What about you with your leopard skin drawers?

Leopard skin drawers was in style that day.

Oh, please!

O.k. You float on the beach...

Oh, please!

An afro with leopard skin drawers.

Leopard drawers were the style.

You all have blown this all out of proportion.

O.k., Now, wait a minute.

You mind your business.

This is between me and my lady.

Martin, lighten up.

Excuse me, derrick, but you don't check my man.

That's right. Nobody check me, man.

I'm about to stomp your a*s,

Send you over to a general hospital.

No need to talk to derrick like that.

You've become too rude.

Excuse me. You don't tell my man he's becoming rude.

He has always been rude!

That's right.

You don't tell him that.

That's right.

Gina, you used to be a classy lady.

Hold, hold.

Man, I take a cue ball--

Let me tell you something.

My lady is still classy, man.

Now, take the stick out of your a*s.

There's no reason for this.

That is enough.

I am tired. I am so sick of you people.

Big papa,, can you please give me a ride home?

Oh, I love it when you call me big papa.

Goodbye!

Get out!

We was playing the jealousy game, all right?

What y'all looking at?

I mean, well!

O.k. O.k.

You know what I'm saying?

You're right.

What do they want to do, you know?

I mean, they got-- what?

Let's go.

What?

It's on the calm now.

All right now? O.k.?

Whoo, we handled them.

Eew!

Eew, what?

Eew, martin.

I can't believe you went out with somebody like her.

What do you mean? Back then--

♪ How low can you go? ♪

♪ How low can you go? ♪♪

Martin, please.

Are you asking me how low can I go?

Yes.

Depends on what I'm going low for.

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Whoo! O.k. We've finally got the list

Down to something me and you both agree on,

Which is good, right?

I'm glad we could work this out, baby.

Well, I am, too.

Oh, hold on. Oh, man.

Dilemma.

Dilemma.

Where's mr. Jam, my barber, baby?

Wh-where's jam?

I took him off.

Took him off. He's gone.

What do you mean?

How am I going to get my cut?

How am I going to get my line?

Put him back on.

Martin, if you invite him,

I'm putting titus, my hairdresser, back on.

He goes on.

I don't give a damn if titus is back on.

If titus wants to be back on,

As long as you put mrs. Tolliver back on.

That woman saved my life.

Baby, I could've been here, gina...

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

If mrs. Tolliver goes back on,

My father is going back on this list.

My father is going on.

No. We got to start this thing over again.

You start with the first one.