03x04 - Mona's Limo

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ The nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand new life ♪

♪ A brand new life ♪

♪ A brand new life
Around the bend ♪

We're here,
in Tony's test kitchen,

where impartial judges will be
telling the Bower Agency

what flavors they like best
with rice cakes.

How come we have
to wear a blindfold?

Because if you saw what this
stuff looked like,

you'd never eat it.

That's it for me.
Come on, you guys,

this is important.

I'm trying to land
the Ping rice cake account.

Yeah, now, come on,
Angela's been working hard

coming up with
these flavors,

so get with the program,
join the rice cake generation!

What about you, Dad?

I'm too old.

Okay, kids,
I want you to taste this,

I want you to give me
your honest opinion.

Go ahead.

TONY: Oh, stop. Stop it.
Well...

Is that honest enough for you?

Oh, it tasted like
dead fish.

Okay, okay,
you don't like the sushi flavor,

there are others.

Okay, Mona,
it's your turn.

It's your turn.
Now, open wide!

No! Don't I at least
get a blindfold?

What, you want
a last request too, Mona?

Yes.
You eat it.

Hey, you kiddin' me?
This ain't bad.

This pizza flavor?

Uh-huh. Should get beer flavor
to wash it down with.

Not bad.

Well, I hate to spit and run,

but I have an important
English test.

Jonathan, have you ever
read Tom Sawyer?

Oh, yeah, it's a great book.
Oh, good,

then you can tell me all about
it on the way to school.

Angela,
let's get to the office,

I'm having breakfast at
that place across the street.

Mother, there's nothing across
the street but a big hole

and a bunch of
construction workers.

Have a nice day.

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me, Miss...

Hey, uh, Angela.
Where do you want this stuff?

My goodness,
more office supplies?

Mother, when you
start a business,

you need certain things.
These are essentials.

Oh, my new
espresso machine!

That's essential?

Yes, it's a very
classy thing to have.

It enhances your image.

Besides, you want
your clients alert.

What about this case
of champagne?

You don't want them too alert.
[TONY LAUGHS]

Hey, what about,
my favorite,

this gumball machine?

That says that our agency
is special and unique.

All the agencies have one.

Angela,

I may have missed one
or two episodes

of Wall Street Week,

but shouldn't
the money be coming in,

instead of going out?

Mother...

you have to spend money
in order to make money.

Just like tomorrow
in San Francisco with Mr. Ping.

I'm taking him to the finest
restaurant in Chinatown.

That should be a lesson to
all of us here in the office.

Oh, we should all go
to San Francisco for lunch?

No, Tony,

we have to start thinking
first class here.

I want fresh cut flowers
in the office,

limousines and theater tickets
for our clients.

That's the way you create
an aura of success.

Oh. That way they don't know
we're desperate, right?

Exactly.

See? I watch
Wall Street Week.

[♪♪♪]

[WHIRRING]

Tony!

The boss is 3000 miles away,

take a break.

Would you like another
cup of espresso?

No thanks, Mona,
I already had 5 cups.

Doesn't it make you
feel successful?

No, it makes me feel
like buffing the roof.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Yes? The Bower Agency,
would you hold, please?

Mona, I don't want to
tell you your job,

but when people call, aren't we
supposed to talk to them?

Shows you what you know.

Then they'll think
we're not busy.

But we're not busy.

But we don't want them
to know that.

See, that's how you create
the aura of success.

Oh...

I get it.

Ah, would you put that
over there,

right next to
the Toyota account?

So sorry
to keep you waiting,

Yes...

Oh, Angela.

Angela, calm down,
no, no,

no, we don't have
the Toyota account, no.

I was just trying
to create an aura,

you know.

Yeah, yeah, the kids are fine,
everything's fine.

Yeah, he's here, hold on
a minute. Get on the phone.

Me? Oh, conference call.
Yeah.

Hi, Angela,
how's San Francisco?

Huh? Are you all ready
for your big lunch with Ping?

You kidding?
You're gonna do great.

Hey, remember, the little
chopsticks? They're for salad.

[LAUGHS]

All right, honey,
knock him dead.

And as soon as you get back,
we're going to celebrate!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

What the heck?
Let's celebrate now.

I'll get the champagne.
I'll get the glasses.

Oh boy, oh boy,
oh boy.

Champagne.
Hey, was it great,

or was it great to hear Angela
so fired up again, huh?

Oh, yeah, that's my little
over-achiever.

[CORK POPS]
[BOTH CHEER]

Here is to
the Bower Agency,

because we are going to go
all the way to the top.

Yeah, we're gonna ride
those little rice cakes

right to the stars.

Hi there.
Hey, hey, hey.

Welcome to the Bower Agency.
Come on in, come on.

Have a seat here, have a seat.
Thank you.

Have a glass of champagne.
Ooh.

Hey, hey, hey.

And how about a gumball, huh?

I feel a red coming on!

So, uh, what can we do for you?

Well, it's not really
what you can do for me,

it's what I can do for you.

I'm a salesman.
Give me that.

Ah. Uh...

I get the message.

Well, look, I'll just, um,
I'll just leave you my card.

I rent limousines, um,

and I'm sure that you'll find
that our rates are competitive.

All right.
Well,

have a nice day.
Yeah.

Let me see this.
By the way,

you do use limos,
don't you?

Oh, sure,
all the time.

Not yet, but soon, yeah.

Oh, that's good,

because then you'd probably
qualify for our volume discount.

Well, just give me a call.

You know...

nah, nah.
What? What? What?

Well, it's just that
I might be in the position

to, uh, save you
an awful lot of money.

This guy. Look, pal,
we're not buying a limo.

Oh, well, that's good,

because that would be
very unwise of you.

We're talking about leasing.

Mona,
this guy's smooth.

I wish.

Actually, I don't even have
a sales pitch,

I just give you the figures.

You see,
you rent a limousine,

for four hours,
it cost you $200.

You do that twice a week,
that's 400.

That's $1600 monthly,

and that's just for
two clients a week.

However,
if you lease a limo,

then it's yours, 24 hours a day,
seven days a week.

And all of this,
for just $1000 a month.

That's 250 a week,


$1.50 an hour.

And that four-hour ride
that cost you $200,

now just cost you $6.

And that's less than a taxi cab.
Are you with me?

[IN UNISON]
Uh-huh.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

We're not gonna be in the limo
every hour of every day, though.

Ah, that's the beauty part.

You see, when you're not
driving some clients around,

then you can rent it out.

And we already know
what that can add up to, right?

Oh, yes,
that's simple arithmetic.

Now, now, now,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're not in
the limo business,

we're in
the advertising business.

Exactly.
And what better advertising

than a shiny limo,
parked out there by the curb?

With a personalized license
plate that says "Bower."

Now that is class.

It gives the whole operation
something I like to call,

an aura of success.

Let me see that.

Angela?

What are you doing here?
It's 6:00 in the morning.

What flight
did you take?

Whoa, man,
are your eyes red.

Whoo!

Guess that means
you took the redeye, huh?

How-- How did things go
with Ping?

Not good, huh? Well,
of course they didn't go good.

If they would,
she wouldn't look like that.

Not that you
look bad.

Can I iron your coat?

How was the airplane food?

More bad things, huh?

Uh... Angela,
would you say something?

I'm getting lonely.

Jim Peterson.
Bingo, that's a start now,

that's a start.
That's the crumb bun

who took your job
at Wallace & McQuade.

And the man who just stole
my client, Mr. Ping.

What? How?

Jim Peterson had his secretary
call Mr. Ping's office

pretending to be my secretary.

He moved our lunch
to another restaurant.

Mr. Ping showed up
at the other restaurant,

but I wasn't there,
but guess who was?

Tony Bennett.

You said to guess.
[SIGHS]

Jim Peterson

slithered in with a rice cake
presentation in his briefcase.

Why that no...

What are you gonna do?

I'd like to rip out his heart
and leave it in San Francisco.

That seems fair.

Mr. Ping thinks I stood him up,
he wouldn't even talk to me.

So I flew home.

Economy.

That's the new word
around here, Tony.

Um... When you say "new word,"

do you mean "flew"
or "home"?

It's not "economy,"
is it?

Yep, no more frills.

Ah, frills. Frills.

Well, when you say frills,
what do you mean?

Well, I mean the espresso
machine goes back.

Well, that's good,
'cause I saved the box for it.

And the gumball machine.
Oh, that's okay,

I saved the box for that too.
And Tony,

I may be a little jet lagged,
but I see a limo

parked in the driveway.

Yeah, but I ain't got
the box for that.

You bought
a limo?

No, no, no,
no, no.

That would be
very unwise.

We leased a limo.

Yeah, yeah, and it's only
costing you a $1.50 an hour.

Oh, my God! That's a thousand
dollars a month!

How did she do that?

Quick, tell her about
the beauty part.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Angela, you wanna hear
the beauty part?

This is it. When we're not using
the limo,

we park it in front of
the building to impress people.

Tony, that's a no
parking zone.

Damn.

Angela, here is the other
beauty part.

See, when we're not using it
for our clients,

then we can rent it out
for an enormous profit.

Yeah, yeah.
And look,

not that you haven't got
the rice cake account,

this is gonna bring in
a lot of extra money.

Who's going to rent it?
People.

Oh, people.
What kind of people?

People that aren't smart enough
to lease their own limo.

Oh, stupid people.

Who's going to drive it?

I will.

Who's going to do
your work around the house?

I will.

Who's going to run
the Parents Association,

and coach Samantha's team,

and pick up Jonathan
from Cub Scouts?

I will, I will,
I will.

Come on, Angela,
I can handle this.

And anyway, look, this is gonna
be good for the company. Hey.

You'll be drinking espresso

and chewing gumballs
in no time.

Yeah, Bonnie, Dad said
that if I wash the limo,

he'd take us for a spin.

Oh, we're gonna look so cool!

Are you still blabbing
on that phone?

I thought you were gonna
help me wash the limo.

Gotta go, Bonnie,
having problems with the child.

Now what's wrong?

I washed the entire limo
all by myself.

Oh, Jonathan,
now doesn't that

give you a sense
of accomplishment?

No, it gives me a sense
of being treated like dirt.

Touchy, touchy.

Okay, kids, let's hit it,
let's do it, let's move it!

Limo leaves in 10 minutes.
Great.

First, we'll swing by Bonnie's
and pick up the g*ng,

and then we'll stop by
football practice.

Oh, and then we gotta stop by--
Samantha, h*, hey. Hey, hey.

This limo's a business,

not a one-way ticket
to popularity.

Yeah, that's what you think.
I have three dates this weekend.

That's what you think.

But Dad, you said that if I--
I know what I said, Samantha,

but hey, I'm busy
like crazy here.

I just got another pick up,
I'm running myself ragged.

You know, I could use a little
cooperation from my family here.

And Jonathan, did you get the
dry cleaning out of the trunk?

I looked, but there was
nothing in the trunk.

What are you talking about?
It's gotta be there.

I put it in there just before
that drop off at JFK...

Oh, no.

Angela's dry cleaning is checked
through to Brussels.

Bye.

N-No, look, I am sorry,

we are not an escort service.

We rent cars, not women.

How much?

[PHONE RINGS]

Could you hold?

Yes, the B-Bower Agency--

I mean, Mona's Limo.

No, no, yeah, I do.

Yeah, I mean, Mona's Limo,

a subsidiary of
the Bower Agency.

Yeah, yeah,
could you hold?

Angela, line one!

Or was it line two?

Mother.
Hello?

Mother, there is a man on
the phone who wants to know

what my hourly rates are.

He means the limo, dear.

No, he doesn't.

Hey, hey, hey,
h*, here we go.

All right, two runs down
and raring to go. What's next?

That's it for the day.

Thank God.

You know,
this isn't working.

my office is in chaos.

My housekeeper's too busy
to keep my house,

and I have no idea where
my dry cleaning is.

Somewhere over Normandy.

And to top it all off,

Mr. Ping is now sipping
champagne in a suite

at the Plaza, ready to sign
with Wallace & McQuade.

I have never been
so depressed in my life.

You know where to reach me.

Bloomingdales?

Fourth floor.

h*, h*, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What ever happened to economy?
Tony,

it doesn't cost anything
to try things on.

And besides, the feel
of cashmere next to my skin

always cheers me up.

Here we go, here.

Mona? Mona,
what are you up to?

Mr. Ping's limo is going
to arrive to pick him up

just a little sooner
than he expected.

Oh, dirty pool.

Just call me
Fast Mona.

[♪♪♪]

So Mr. Ping,

what takes you
to Wallace & McQuade?

A little
advertising business?

No, big advertisement
business.

TV, radio,
magazines, buses.

You see my face everywhere.

Who could resist?

Thank you.

[SPEAKS IN CHINESE]

You know, Ping,
I pick up a lot of dirt

up here in the driver's seat,

and I can tell you that since
they lost their president,

Wallace & McQuade
haven't been the same.

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm quite satisfied.

Wallace & McQuade
has given me good treatment.

They've given me
a big hotel suite,

a limousine like this,

with a driver who's...

[SPEAKS IN CHINESE]

You certainly have
a way with words.

You said it, toots.

You know, I'll tell you
something else

about Wallace & McQuade.

The person that really made
that agency what they are

is Angela Bower.

Oh, I don't like her,
she stood me up.

Big flake.

Angela Bower?

That's impossible.

She has great integrity.

And she's bright,
and creative,

and her agency
is just small enough

to give you that down-home,
personal touch.

What are you, her mother?

[LAUGHS]

You know, Ping,

I like you.

I have that affect on women.

Uh, I-I wonder, Ping,

if I could ask
you a favor.

Uh, could we make one
teeny, weeny stop on our way?

For you, Mona, no stop
is too teeny weeny.

[♪♪♪]

[STAMMERS]
What was so important

that you had me paged
at Bloomingdales?

I was in the dressing room

and a sales girl
pulled me out of there

and I was trying on
the most incredible silk blouse.

Oh, my God,
this is it.

On top of everything else,
I'm a shoplifter.

Now take it easy,
take it easy.

They know you. You'll call them,
you'll put it on your card.

[SIGHS]

Not sure I like it.

No, are you kidding me?

It's you. It's you,
it looks fabulous.

Yeah?
It does, doesn't it?

You know, that's good,
Angela, because you never know

when an important business
client might walk

right through that door.
You know what I mean?

What do you mean?
Um, let me get the tag.

Come here, I got the scissors
right over here. Come here.

[MONA LAUGHING]

Oh, thank you for
escorting me up here.

It is so nice to have
a big, strong man around.

Three times a week,
Nautilus.

Ooh!

Oh, Thomas,
ha-ha-ha.

The Bower Agency?

You tricked me, Red.

Yes, Ping.

I am her mother.

Meet Angela Bower.

Mr. Ping,
what are you doing here?

Your mother gave me
the old Shanghai surprise.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna grab a cab

to Wallace & McQuade.

Now, now,
wait a minute, Ping.

This is
Wallace & McQuade.

I don't see Wallace,
I don't see McQuade.

Oh, they've been dead
for years.

What you do see is the woman
who was responsible

for nearly all of their
national campaigns.

Which campaigns?

Well, Pescher Fragrances,
to name but one.

Oh, Mrs. Ping
loves those.

Yeah, and what about
Guacamunchies to name but two?

Guacamunchies?
They're disgusting.

Yeah, that's true,
Ping, but, uh,

she sold millions of them,

and she can do the same thing
for your disgusting rice cakes.

You must be good.

The best.

Go ahead, Angela,
pitch your little heart out.

Mr. Ping, for months
I've been developing ideas

for your rice cakes.

And, if given
the chance,

I think I can make your product
as American as apple pie.

And as tasty.

How the hell
can you do that?

Step into my office.
I'll tell you.

h*, h*, h*.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Thank you.

Oh, Mother.
Call Jim Peterson,

tell him I'm sorry he missed
his appointment with Mr. Ping.

We'll send over a case
of rice cakes.

Oh, cruel and disgusting
punishment.

I'll deliver them myself.

Yes, yes, thank you.
We will.

We'll deliver it tomorrow, yes.

I did it, I did it,
I did it, I did it, I did it!

You did what?

We're not in another
business, are we?

No, we are out
of business.

I unloaded the limo.

They are taking up our lease.
That's wonderful.

Who's the lucky
sub-leasee?

The Happy Horizon
funeral home.

Of course, they won't have any
use for the bar, or the TV,

but I'm sure they'll
rest comfortably.

How did you do it?

I told them
the beauty part.

That it was only gonna cost them
a thousand dollars a month,

which was 250 a week,

$35 a day, and that
worked out to be only...

a buck fifty a stiff.

How could they resist?

[LAUGHS]

Hey, hey!
Look what I got.

Found the dry cleaning, huh?

Tony, thank you!

My Harris tweed suit.

I thought it had gone to the big
baggage carousel in the sky.

You know, people are always
making jokes about the airlines

losing their luggage, right?

But hey,
they always come through for me.

Hey, Angela,
get ready to say hello to--

Your kimono?

Angela,
this is great.

You can make extra money
by being a geisha.

Well, Tony?

Arigato, gozaimasu,
sayonara.

[♪♪♪]