03x17 - Raging Housekeeper

[bunniefuu]

["BRAND-NEW LIFE" PLAYING]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail
And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

[♪♪]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

JONATHAN: Look out...
SAMANTHA: Here he comes.

[CHEERING]

[BOOS]

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Go get them, Mad Man.
Uh...

Angela,
I can't get in there.

Oh, well, it's no wonder
with those big gloves on.

No, no, no,
I don't mean that.

I can't go through
with this, Angela.

You gotta get yourself
another boy.

Your honor is at stake.

So is my face.

Do you know what you are?

Scared?

You are Mad Man Micelli.

You are tough,
you are hard as nails.

Oh! Angela, that hurt.

Get in the ring.
Get in the ring.

[CHEERING]

[BELL DINGING]

Good evening, fight fans.

Welcome
to World Famous Syd's Gym.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I'm your host,
world-famous Syd.

[LAUGHTER]

Please refrain
from throwing food,

beer bottles
or one another into the ring.

And please observe
the "no smoking" sign.

TONY:
I wonder if anyone would notice
if I just tiptoed out of here.

How did this all
get started?

It seems like
a lifetime ago.

I thought
I had a brilliant idea

that would raise funds
for the Parents' Association

and bring two communities
together.

And get rid of some
of those frozen hors d'oeuvres

from New Year's Eve.

Hello, Brooklyn.
[LAUGHING]

Welcome to Connecticut.

Hi, Melva, come on in.
Hi.

Hey, everybody.
You remember Philly Fingers?

And this is Melva Allen,

president of the Brooklyn
Parents' Association.

Very nice to meet you.
MELVA: Thank you.

How was the drive up?
Did you hit much traffic?

Just a sedan
and a Winnebago.

Oh, Philly drove?
[ALL LAUGH]

Hey, we got here,
didn't we?

TONY:
Take your coats?

I think maybe
you better sit down.

Thank you.
Hey, Philly, nice hat.

Raiding the morgue again?
[BOTH LAUGH]

So, big shot.

President
of the Parents' Association.

Uh, do I kiss your ring
or curtsey?

Why don't you just grovel
at my feet, there, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Well, Mr.-- Uh...

Is it Finger or Fingers?

Plural.

Well, Mr. Fingers, heh,
what do you do for a living?

Why, what have you heard?
Nothing.

Oh. Good, good.

Here are the last
of the leftovers.

All right,
well, now we're all here,

how about I call this meeting
to order.

Hey, boy, you're good.

Mr. President,

I know I speak for all of us
when I say thank you so much

for organizing
this Olympic event

between our two communities.
Thank you.

The monies we raise
will be put to good use.

More books for our libraries

and new equipment
for our gymnasiums.

Oh, thank you, Angela.
Thank you.

I couldn't have said that
better myself,

and now I don't have to.

All right, let's get
right down to business.

What events
do we want to have?

I, uh, made a list.

I have tennis, gymnastics,
archery and badminton.

Wait a minute.

What are we doing,
raising money for a convent?

Let's have some violence,
like-- Like--

Like wrestling,
hockey, boxing.

Yay, boxing, huh.

Biceps, triceps,
sweating bodies.

Ooh. I change my vote.

TONY:
No, no, no.

Let's--
Let's 86 the boxing, guys.

No. Hold on a second,
Tony.

We need a blockbuster event.

Something we can promote
that will draw in a big crowd.

Well, I think
boxing is brutal.

That's the idea.

Well, I don't know anyone
in our association

who would engage
in such an activity.

Are you kidding?
On the streets

Tony used to engage
the hell out of people.

[LAUGHS]

Phi-- Philly, Philly.

Philly, it's a bad idea.

Please, let's drop it, okay?

Well, Tony,
I am very proud of you

for having become
so enlightened.

Boxing is very dangerous.

Yeah, and somebody
could get hurt.

Really? Then I volunteer
my husband Herb.

He used to box
in dental school.

They called him
Kid Novocain.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I volunteer
my little brother, Wilbur.

He's a typing teacher.

Oh, great.
The match of the century.

So, what do you think, Tony?

Well, I guess--
Tony!

Well, come on, Angela,
how bad could it be?

A dentist and a typist.

And anyway, if Herb knocks out
one of Wilbur's teeth,

he'll be there
to put it back in.

And Wilbur can type up
the insurance claim.

Bingo!
All right, how about...?

TONY:
Why didn't I listen
to Angela?

I thought
I was in the clear

with Kid Novocain
and Typing Wilbur.

Little did I know

I had a one-way ticket
to Palookaville.

[BELL DINGS]

Hey, Syd, how are you?

Gee, I haven't
seen you in so long.

You look terrible.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I haven't seen you
since your voice changed.

Or was that a low blow?
Oh!

Hey, I want you
to meet my boss.

Angela.
Come on over here, Angela.

Angela, this is Syd.
Oh.

Syd, this is Angela.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Who's the doll?

Oh, this is my
boss-in-law.

Mona. Mona, this is Syd.

Syd this is Mona.

Ah. Nice place
you got here, Syd.

Do you give away
free samples?

I was just gonna ask you
the same thing.

Later, Syd.

I'm gonna window-shop
a little.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

And this is Angela's son,
Jonathan.

Hi.
Hey, hi.

And of course
you remember Sam.

Hey.
Do I remember Sam?

Go ahead, give your best shot.
Syd, come on,

don't you think
I'm getting too old for that?

Oh!

Good reflexes, Syd.
Thanks.

May we check out some
of the equipment, Mr. Syd?

Yeah, sure, over there.
Over there.

You all right?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Wendy,
where's Herb?

Home.

What do you mean home?

His back went out again.

[GROANS]

His hygienist found him

locked over the rinse
and spit bowl.

Well, what does that mean?

Means Herb and I
can't have sex.

No news there.

But I can't find anybody else
to take his place...

in the ring.

Well, hey, Syd,
it was nice seeing you.

Yeah, nice to meet you.
TONY: Come on, Angela.

Oh, by the way,
do you validate parking?

You brought a car
into this neighborhood?

Yeah, I gave it
to the valet.

What valet?

Bye.

Mona, come on, let's go.
What?

Why are we going?

I was just teaching this guy
how to dial my number.

Mona, Herb hurt his back.

We're gonna have to scratch
the boxing match. Come on.

Wait a minute, Tony.
Why don't you fight?

When you was a kid, you used
to love mopping people up.

But I'm not a kid anymore.

And Tony and I
are philosophically...

No--
...opposed to boxing.

Oh, so now
you're a philosopher.

Sam, when did your dad
become a cream puff?

Oh!

Don't you ever talk about
my dad like that again.

Dad, you're turning
into a cream puff.

There is--
There's no reason

why you can't take
a typing teacher.

Kids in my class
do it all the time.

Yeah, Tony.
You're still in good shape.

Trust me, he is.
Well, yeah, yeah.

[TONY MUMBLING]

Tony, what about
our opposition to violence?

Ah, shut up.
Aah!

Come on,
you can do it, Tony.

Oh, I don't know, Mona.
I don't know.

Tony, what are you?

A Taurus.

No. Remember when you used
to come in the ring?

You know what I mean?
You used to train here.

You were bad.
You're still bad.

Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm bad.
I'm bad.

How bad are you?

I'm-- I'm very bad.

[GRUNTING]
No, you're bad and you're mean!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm mean. I'm mean. Yeah.

Call that mean?

I'm very mean!

Yay, let's hear it
for the Raging Housekeeper!

Yeah, the Great White Help!

Yeah, yeah. I like that.
I like that.

So, Dad,
does this mean you'll do it?

Why not, huh? Why not?

[ALL CHEER]

Are you kidding me? I'll--
I'll tear that typing teacher

from A to Z, huh!
MONA: Yeah!

Hey, typing teacher.

[GUFFAWING]

Hey, hey, I'll--
I'll reset his margins.

[LAUGHS]
Hiya, Melva.

Tony, I'd like you to meet
my little brother, Wilbur.

Hey, man, whose margins
are you messing with?

That's gonna hurt.

TONY:
As the fight got closer,
I was weighing my options.

I could train real hard
and hope to pull a muscle.

Or I could throw the fight.

I'd be the only guy in history
to take a dive for charity,

but, hey,
I could live with that.

Hey, champ.

Surprise.

Mona, what are you
up to now?

It's for you.
To wear in the ring.

Oh, satin.
Mm-hm.

It'll go nice
with the lining in my coffin.

[CHUCKLES]

Mad Man Micelli.

Oh, Mother,
what a tasteless nickname.

Oh, good.
I wasn't sure it was right.

You know, it's not too late
to back out of this fight.

Oh, yes, it is, Angela.
I can't back out.

Publicity's already started,

the tickets
are already printed,

and all the flights to Guam
are booked.

You know, I--
I don't want you to fight.

But if you're so determined,
shouldn't you be training?

I'd hate to see you
get PO'd.

That's KO'd, Angela.

Well, whatever.

I just don't wanna see you
get hurt.

You don't?

Well, no.

I mean, I wouldn't wanna
see anyone get hurt.

Look, Angela,
all the training in the world

ain't gonna help me.

You know, Tony,
I don't understand this.

You're going into this fight,
your heart's not in it.

I don't understand it.
What's wrong?

It's something
very painful from my past.

But look,
you don't wanna know about it.

[GASPS]
I know what it is.

I know what it is.

I saw this movie once
with John Wayne.

See, you were a promising
young fighter,

and then came the fateful day
when you beat a man so brutally

that he never regained
consciousness.

He died a lingering death
with you at his bedside.

You felt such remorse that,
then and there,

you hung up your gloves

and you swore
you would never again fight.

Boy, that was a good movie.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry, Angela, because
in the real-life version,

it was me who got beat up so bad
that I saw a few stars,

but none of them
were John Wayne.

Somebody beat you up?

I never told nobody about this,
but here goes.

Look, I was--
I was just a kid, you know.

But you know me,
I thought I was a tough guy.

And so did this promoter
from up in the Bronx.

So he gives me a shot
at a pro fight.

I was only 16,
but I lied about my age.

Oh, what a tangled web
we weave...

when first we practice
to deceive.

TONY:
Here I am pouring my heart out,

she's quoting Mary Worth.

Anyway, I climbed
into the ring, you know.

And I knew I was better
than this guy,

but it didn't matter,
because he was staring me down.

He wouldn't blink.

I couldn't look away,
but I couldn't move,

till he bounced me
off the canvas.

The fight was over
before it even started.

Oh, you poor thing.

And I thought
my teen years were painful.

It wasn't the pain, Angela.

It was the humiliation.

The whole crowd
was laughing at me.

The promoter called me
a weak sister.

I went back
to the old neighborhood,

I never mentioned that fight.
And I--

I never set foot
in a ring again.

Well, that part's
like the movie.

TONY:
I vow that one day
I'd get her for that.

Tony, you know,
if you lost by a stare,

you can win by a stare.

And I think I can help you.

You?

Yeah. Me.

You should have seen
some of the guys

I had to play hard ball with
in the boardroom.

[CHUCKLES]
After I stared them down,

they were walking around
cross-eyed.

Oh. Well, you're
one tough mama there, Angela.

Hoo!
[LAUGHS]

Yo.

See, the psychology
of the stare

is very simple.

Most people think
that it's in your eyes.

It's not.
It's in your mind.

It's telling you
that you're not afraid,

he is.

He's not going to win,
you are.

Oh. Well, what if your mind
is telling you

you should've listened
to your father

and gone into fast food?
[LAUGHS]

Well, your mind's
not gonna be telling you that,

because I'm going to be
your trainer.

[LAUGHS]

You're gonna
be my trainer?

Angela Dundee?

[GUFFAWING]

Hey. thanks,
but no thanks, Ange--

Hello, trainer.

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ And I knew, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, that I'd make you ♪

♪ Make you my own ♪

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ And I knew, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, that you ♪

♪ Were my only one ♪

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I thought
I was dreaming ♪

♪ But I was wrong ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ But I'm gonna keep
On scheming ♪

♪ Until I can make you
Make you my own ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ Just one look, uh-huh ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took
Yeah ♪

♪ Just one look, uh-huh ♪

♪ That's all it took
Yeah ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took
Yeah ♪

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

TONY:
Why was I so happy?

I guess it's easy
to feel confident

in the safety
of your own living room.

What a fool I was.

ALL:
Wilbur! Wilbur! Wilbur!

[CROWD CHEERING]

WOMAN:
Come on, Wilbur!

Don't worry, Tony.

He's just a human being.

His body
is 65 percent water.

Yeah, well,
mine's a 100 percent Jell-O.

Hi, Wilbur.

TONY:
Once you set foot in that ring,

there's no place to hide.

And believe you me,
I looked everywhere.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[BELL DINGING]

And now for the main
and only event tonight:

three rounds
of championship boxing,

coming
from World Famous Syd's Gym.

[ALL CHEER]

In this corner,
weighing 160 pounds,

a typing teacher from Brooklyn,


His hobbies include kung fu,
underwater shark hunting

and strolling
through Central Park at night.

Wilbur "The Terminator"
Turner!

[ALL CHEERING]

[GRUNTS]

[CHEERING STOPS]

Wilbur, honey,

now don't k*ll him
all at once.

Why?

People paid
to see three rounds.

[GROANS]

Angela, did you see...?

And in this corner
weighing 162 pounds,

Parent Association
president,

whose hobbies
include Wiffle ball,

weather stripping

and baking brownies.

Tony "Madman" Micelli!

[ALL CHEERING]

That's my dad!

That's my housekeeper.

That's my fantasy.

[GRUNTS]

Now, boys,
this fight's gonna be fought

according to the rules
that I made up.

No head-butting,
no rabbit punches,

and no scratching yourself
below the belt.

Now, shake hands,
go back to your corners

and when the bell rings,
come out fighting.

Good luck, Wilbur.

Yeah, save me a brownie.

Break it up, break it up,
break it up.

[CROWD WHOOPING
AND WHISTLING]

That's Mona.

That's my grandma.

That's my fantasy.

[BELL DINGS]
[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

You see?
I stared him down.

Go!

[CROWD SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHING]

Get up, Tony! Get up!
Are you okay? Dad?

One, two, three...

Tony, it's all right.
You proved yourself.

You got in the ring.
You stared him down.

Now, let me throw in
the washcloth.

That's towel, Angela.

But no, no,
give me that mouthpiece.

I'm going the distance.
Okay.

MAN: Come on!
[CROWD CHEERS]

[WHOOPING AND WHISTLING]

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[BELL DINGS]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Water.

Thank you.

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

[BELL DINGS]

MAN:
Let's go. Come on.

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

ANGELA:
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Come on, Tony.

You can do it!

Do it for Fairfield!
Do it for the kids.

Do it for the 100 bucks
I got riding on you!

The eyes! The eyes!

[GROANS]

MAN:
Come on, let's go. Keep it up.

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[BELL DINGS]

Come on.
Break, break, break!

[CROWD YELLING]

[BELL DINGING]

[CHEERING]

All right! All right.

You were wonderful!
All right, Tony.

Whoa!
Hey, hey, hold--

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I wanna hear who won.
It might even be me.

[LAUGHING]

Even if you didn't win,
it was a great fight.

Are you kidding?
My boy won!

[ALL CHEER]

[BELL DINGING]

As-- As always, a great fight
at World Famous Syd's Gym.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Judge Bonelli votes
two rounds for Turner,

one round for Micelli.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Judge Wengrod votes
two rounds for Micelli,

one round for Turner.

[CHEERING]

Judge Letterman votes
two rounds to one for Micelli!

[ALL CHEERING]

And the gold medalist,
Tony Micelli!

[CHEERING]

Hey.

Hey, good fight, Micelli.

Hey, you too, Wilbur.

Hey, man,
just one thing:

what did you put
in those brownies?

Oh, Wilbur,
it's easy, it's easy.

Use two cups of flour,
right?

WILBUR: Yeah.
TONY: A quarter-pound...

You got-- Oh, thank you.

You gotta cream the butter,
Wilbur.

And one thing:
don't overbake.

WILBUR: After you.
TONY: Thank you.

Wait till I tell you
about my eggplant Parmesan...

[ALL CHEERING]

Tony.
Tony, we made a k*lling.

The fight was a big success.

And you were terrific.

I couldn't have done it
without you, Angela.

Anytime.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, what do you say?
Let's go home, champ.

Okay. Hey, Angela.
Yeah.

There's something else
I can't do without you.

What's that?
Walk.

What, you--?
Pick up my arm.

Ah.
Take this arm.

Now, come this way towards me.
Okay.

Oh. Easy, easy.
Oh.

Okay, okay. Here we go.

That's...

TONY:
Well, at least I had
my moment of glory.

[CHUCKLES]

See, I could still hear
the roar of the crowd.

Doctor said I'd be hearing that
for about a week.

[♪♪]