03x19 - Diet in Cell Block 11

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail
And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪♪

[SCOFFS]

It doesn't look at all
like the one on the box.

Nobody's gonna notice,
though,

because when I serve it,
I'll serve it like this.

[CHUCKLING]

Gosh. I just wish
I could do one thing right

in the kitchen.

Hey, you're a great eater.
Heh.

Now, come on, Angela.

After all the prison food
Nick's been eating,

he's gonna think
this is terrific, here.

In fact, it's just like him.
Crooked.

Tony, that is no way to talk
about your father-in-law.

Now,
he's made some mistakes,

but he's paid his debt
to society.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he still
owes me a 100 bucks.

Oh, just--
Just give him a chance, okay?

Okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
[GASPS]

Oh, now this is his first day
out of prison,

we wanna do everything in our
power to make it enjoyable.

BOTH:
Right.

I'll get it!

I wanna get it.

Jonathan, be a gentleman.

Yeah,
or I'll break your hand.

Samantha.
Oh, she's mellowing.

Last week she threatened
to break his kneecaps.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

Aah!

And now, straight
from Danbury Penitentiary,

the very lovely,
the very rehabilitated,

Nick Milano.

Hey, Grandpa.
Hey, Sam.

Hey, Jonathan.
Hi.

Hi, Tony. Hey!

Oh!

Oh, Nick, you should have
let us pick you up.

Oh,
I did not want to impose.

I mean,
now that I'm a free man,

I wanna make my own way
in the world.

I don't wanna ask nobody
for nothing.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh, that's my cab.

Hey, Tony, do you happen
to have 78 bucks on you?

You took a cab all the way
from Danbury Penitentiary?

Well, the limos were all booked.

I would have charged it,
but I'm over my credit line.

Well,
I have some loose bills.

No, no, no, Angela.
He's from my family.

If he's gonna mooch,
I'm gonna be the moochee.

Uh, Angela,
could you loan me $50?

Thank you.

There you go, 78 bucks.

Yeah,
I usually tip 20 percent.

That's it?

What's he gonna think of me?

He'll be glad
they're not counterfeit.

Come on,
help me with the bags?

JONATHAN: All right.
SAMANTHA: Let's go.

Did you hear him?
He said bags. He said bags.

Now, he'll use
every trick in the book

to worm his way in here.

Angela, why did you have
to be so nice to him?

All I said was "Hi."

Yeah, but you said it
like you meant it.

Tony, what is wrong if he stays
with us for a few days?

Angela, Nick doesn't stay
anywhere for a few days.

We could be looking
at five to life.

NICK:
All right.

Where should I put this?
Right outside the door.

Oh, come on. He's kidding.
He's--

I'll take it. He's kidding.

What a kidder.

Well, we certainly have
a lot to catch up on.

Why don't we all sit down?
NICK: All right.

You're doing it again.

Nick, you look wonderful.

Incarceration agrees
with you.

You are so cute.
Heh.

Thank you, Nick.

So tell us about prison.

Did they chain your feet

and make you build roads
and play the harmonica?

[CHUCKLES]

Nick wasn't in that kind
of facility.

Grandpa,
I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, I want
to spend time together.

No. Never say time,
sweetheart.

We never say time.

Never, never, never.

But rest assured,

I plan to stay right here
in Fairfield.

That's wonderful.
You'll be close.

How--? How close?

I don't know. I don't know.
I just thought someplace

where I can kick back
and relax, you know.

Someplace maybe
with a fireplace,

a couple of wing chairs.

Hey, maybe
you can stay with us?

Now, why didn't I think
of that?

Oh. Nick, Nick,
we would love to have you--

Great, great. Then I'll stay.
You convinced me.

No, no, no. We'd love
to have you, if we had the room.

Heh. Tony,
how much room does he need?

I mean,
he's used to living in...

very cozy quarters.
Heh.

No. Angela,
we have no room upstairs,

no room downstairs.

No room at all. Heh.
No room.

Dad, can't we make room?

Where, honey?
What, put him in the garage?

I will take it.

I'll take it.

You won't even know
I'm around.

Nick, listen--

I'd like a 10:00
wake-up call please.

[SOBBING]

Written by Nick Milano.

There is no question about it.
I am a writer.

I can't believe it.

Reach for the stars, Milano.

You got the drop on me, Red.
Heh.

I am a prisoner of love.

Oh, heh.

Oh...

So, Nick,
how does freedom feel?

Oh, it feels so good.

Oh...

So much better
than my pillow.

They only issue you one.

Oh...

Oh, Nick.

What? What? What?
Nick--

Nick, I-- I've been seeing
another other guy.

And I'm afraid we're not
gonna be able to get together.

You mean, you--
You didn't wait for me?

Well, you know, at first
it was just a lark,

and then we began spending
more and more time together,

and suddenly
it got very serious.

You've been seeing him
a while, huh?

Mm. Three days.

Wow.

In a row.

Oh, that's a real commitment.
Mm.

Well, I guess all I can do
is hand around and hope.

Or have him blown away.

I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.

So, what are
you up to, Nick?

Oh, about 220...

Oh, you--
Oh, no. Yeah, I got it.

I got a real surprise
for you.

Ah, another one
of your capers again, eh, Nick?

No, no, no, Red.
While I was in prison,

I wrote a diet book.

The only capers you'll find
are in my salmon mousse.

Oh, you wrote a book?
Yeah.

Oh, Nick, that's wonderful.

"The Prison Diet:
Blimpos Behind Bars."

Do you like it?
Yeah.

Or is this better?

How I Got Slimmer
in the Slammer.

No, stick with this.
All right. Yeah.

Everybody loves a blimpo.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm so proud
of you, Nick.

So can I take a look at it?

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

But don't go on the diet
because if you lost any pounds,

I-- I would miss them
so much.

Well, I can't wait
to curl up in bed

with this tonight.

Ah, yeah, I see...

I-- I'm so sorry, Nick. Sorry.
It's okay. It's all right.

You better go now, you know.
It's okay.

Now I know what if feels like
to be a tortured writer.

A writer? What are you
writing now, bad checks?

Tony, wait till you hear.

Nick has great news.
Moving out, Nick?

After I've got the place
fixed up the way I like it?

I am an author.

While I was in prison,
I wrote a diet book.

Nick, heh, have you looked
in the mirror lately?

What are you talking--?
I couldn't go on the diet.

I was working
in the kitchen.

I had to do research,
development.

The more I researched,
the more I developed.

Hold on a second, Nick.
Something doesn't add up.

How could you write a book?
You've never even read a book.

The closest you ever came
was being a bookie.

I'll tell you, Tony,

the more you spend time
in prison,

the more you get to know
yourself.

And I knew
that there was something burning

inside of me.

Gas?

I'm telling you the truth!

My book
could be a bestseller.

Well, that's great, Nick.

I'm--
Really, that's wonderful.

But until the royalty checks
start rolling in,

you're getting a job.

Here's the want ads.

Just what I was looking for.

How did you know that?

There. That's better.

Nick.
Yeah.

Nick,
you are gonna get a job,

and I am gonna help you.

Now, look, the produce manager
down at Shop-King,

he's been driving me crazy
to go out with his sister.

Phew. I hate blind dates,

but I'm gonna make
an exception this time.

I do him a favor,
he gets you a job.

I got a better idea.

Why don't you take the job
and I'll go out with his sister?

[CHUCKLES]

What would I get for as*ault
with a weed wacker?

[♪♪♪]

Hey, I just finished
Grandpa's book.

I'm impressed.
It's really good.

I thought it was a potpourri
of information and anecdotes

with just the right amount
of...

je ne sais quoi.

Well, maybe.

No, but I liked it anyway.

[CHUCKLES]

That's what I meant.

I think
Nick is really talented.

I just wish I could do more
to help him.

He's doing great.

I mean, he's got a job,
he wrote a book.

Even Dad's proud of him.

Where is that lazy
lowdown leech?

You mean Jonathan?

You know who I mean,
Samantha.

He wasn't working
at the supermarket,

he wasn't
the employee of the week,

and he didn't save a baby
in the runaway cart.

Who did?

There was no baby.

And there was no job.

He's been lying to us!

NICK:
I'm home!

You very own green grocer!

Who's about to become
black and blue.

So, Nick, how was your day
at the market? Tough?

[GROANS]
k*ller.

TONY: Oh.
k*ller. k*ller.

What a day.

I mean,
first the peppers came in late,

then the cabbage
was bruised,

then some lady told me
my cukes were too small.

Well,
I guess that's the way it is

in the produce business,
huh?

Grandpa, he knows.

Oh, sure, he knows.

Knows what?

I had a little talk
with my friend

down at Shop-King today.

You were spying on me?

Tony, I can never
trust you again!

Oh, come on, Nick!
Come on now!

You had that job
and it was yours.

All you had to do
was show up.

And I made sure of it
by going out

with the produce manager's
sister, Marlene.

Oh, hey!

Did you two kids have fun?

She's a meat packer.

She keeps her apartment
at 30 degrees!

Tony, I'm sure
if you give Nick a chance,

he's gonna tell you
why he didn't take the job.

Of course, I am.
Of course, I am. It's very easy.

I-- I thought--

Isn't there someone
more deserving,

someone who knows more
about squeezing melons

and making those cute
little piles of potatoes?

That's it?

All right,
you wanna know the truth?

Yeah, but please,
tell us your version first.

The truth
is that I am a writer.

That is my fate, my destiny.

Call it what you will.

I call it a pile of pepperoni.
Pfft.

Now, look, Nick, I know you.
I know you're not gonna change.

I want you out of here
in 15 minutes.

Dad, that's not fair.

Okay. Twenty. Heh.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'm gonna take it in there.

Dad, you can't just throw
him out on the street.

Don't worry about me,
sweetheart.

Don't worry about me.
I'll just--

I don't wanna stay anywhere
where I am not wanted.

I'll go out,
I'll find a vacant lot

and a cardboard box.

You can get one down
at the supermarket.

Dad, all he needs
is a little time

till his book
gets published.

Samantha,
that's not gonna happen.

You know, Nick, you're always
looking for the fast buck.

You know what I mean?
The easy way.

The 100-to-1 shot.

Nick, you can't go on
pinning all yours hopes

on wild fantasies that's--

They're never
gonna come true!

Guess what, everybody.

Nick's book
is going to be published.

What?
ANGELA: Yes!

You're kidding me?

No. I--

I didn't wanna tell you
before

because I didn't wanna
get your hopes up,

but I gave the book
to a publisher friend.

He loves it.

He thinks
that Blimpos Behind Bars

is going to be a bestseller.

He does? He really does?

I can't believe it.

I'm not a bum anymore!

Oh, thank you
for believing in me.

ANGELA:
Oh.

Thank you
for believing in me.

Uh-- What the hell, thank you
for going out with Marlene.

[SOBBING]

[♪♪♪]

Ew, barf city!

You are the most
disgusting creature

on the face of this Earth.

Samantha,
isn't that a little mean?

No, no.

Yeah, I was just showing her

the heart from the frog
I dissected.

You know,
I think it's still beating.

[GROANS]

You're disgusting.

I'm gonna keep it in case
my lizard needs a transplant.

Some day they're gonna put him
in a jar.

So?
So what?

So did you apologize
to Grandpa?

Oh, gee, it must have
slipped my mind. Heh.

Come on, Dad,

I want the two guys in my life
to be friends.

Well,
I just never run into him.

[GROANS]
How could you miss him?

He's big, he's round, and he
hangs out at the refrigerator.

Well, not all the time,
Samantha.

You know, he's out there
pretending to be a writer,

while I'm here
doing housework,

hard work,
right here at the house.

Have a seat.

Come on, Sam,
is this gonna be a lecture?

Sit.

Now, look, I know
what you're going through.

It's not easy to face up
to our mistakes.

But I know that
you are a big enough person

to admit when you're wrong.

But it wasn't my fault.
Nick started it.

But that's not really
the point here.

Now, promise me
you'll apologize.

[GROANS]

Okay, okay, I promise.
Good.

Now, let me see
a little smile.

Yeah, that's better.

[SMOOCHES]

Aw, that was great,
Samantha.

Great. You know,
the only thing you forgot

was I'm gonna look back on this
someday and thank you for it.

Darn.
I thought I had it cold.

No. Wanna do it again?

Nah. Nah.
Nah.

Nah, right.

Famous writer calling.

And his
able-bodied assistant.

[GASPS]
Nick!

Grandpa,
you look wonderful.

Oh, very literary.
Nice, huh?

This is what the picture's
gonna look like

on the jacket of the book.
Something like this.

You know? Of course
they'll airbrush

the crows feet
and a couple of the chins.

Gee, Nick,
there'll be nothing left.

He wears success very well,
doesn't he?

I just hope it doesn't all go
to my head, you know.

[WHIMPERING]

Grandpa,
that's really scary.

It's the same model
Willard Scott wears. Heh.

Dad, isn't there something
you wanna say to Grandpa?

Nice rug, Nick.

Well, you get
what you pay for, you know.

And I paid plenty for this.

I introduced him
to a couple of my friends.

Mr. Bergdorf, Mr. Goodman,
Mr. Abercrombie, and Mr. Fitch.

They were so nice to me.

Oh, Nick, we're all
so proud of you.

We all are.
Aren't we, Dad?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, Samantha. Heh.

Look, Nick.

This isn't easy
for me to say, but I...

I thought
you were a failure,

and that you were never
gonna make it, but I guess...

I was wrong.

Tony, Tony.

It takes a big man
to say that.

Could you say it again?

[TONY GROANS]

Don't press it, Grandpa.

Ahh,
come here you big lug.

[NICK CHUCKLES]

Uh, Nick, nice aftershave.

Or is that rug glue?

Isn't this great?

My two guys
are friends again.

Yeah. Hey, look, Nick.

Let me know if there's anything
I can do to make it up to you.

Ah, don't be silly, Tony.

Of course, you,
you could help me pack,

you know, when I move
into my new apartment.

Well, I'll get started
on it right away.

Ah, there's no rush.

Wanna bet?

[HUMMING]

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, what the hell?

Ah-ha.

Yeah. I'd like the number

of the Danbury
State Penitentiary, please.

Oh, yeah, I guess
you could call it a residence.

Well, Red,
I guess this means goodbye.

Well, you're only moving
to New York, Nick.

Yeah, I know.
But you know how it is

with the life
of a busy writer.

You're on the road
all the time.

Those book tours,
the talk show circuit.

Who do you think I should go on,
Johnny or Joan?

Because I don't wanna get
either one of them mad at me.

Try Oprah.

You'll look thinner.

You always have
the right answers.

You know, Red,

we've been together
for a while, and...

and-and we've come
so close, but then...

not anything, you know?
Mm-hm.

So, what do you say?
How about one for the road?

Nick!

Oh, just a friendly kiss.

Kiss. A friendly kiss.

What do you say, huh?
Well...

Yeah, hm?
Mm-hm.

Well, okay.

Do you feel a draft?
What is that?

What is that? What is that?

What is it?
Ugh.

I'll k*ll that salesman.

What--? He said
it would stay on in the shower?

Well, let's go in the shower
and see, all right? That...

Come here.

Tony! What is going on?

Why are you dragging me
out of the kitchen?

Maybe he's afraid
you'll cook something.

No, no, no, Mona.

I want you and Angela
to see something.

This'll only take a second here.
See what?

This is the original title page
from Nick's book.

Oh, a collector's item.
It's gonna be valuable someday.

I better get a hold of that.
No, no, no.

Not so fast, Nick.

This is very interesting, here.
"Blimpos Behind Bars.

By d*ck Archer."

Who's d*ck Archer?

Oh...

Who's d*ck Archer?
Who's d*ck Archer?

Oh! Well,
that's so easy to explain.

Who is d*ck Archer?
This is very hard.

Very hard.

Who is d*ck Archer? He--

But actually he's--
Help me, will you?

Your nom de plume?

My nom de plume. Right.

I used it.
It sounded thinner.

[CHUCKLES]
You know, d*ck, it's funny.

Because it does sound
a little thin

because I called the prison.

I know who wrote the book.
It wasn't you.

It was d*ck Archer.

Oh, d*ck, Nick.
It's so close.

Yeah, yeah.
Nick, Nick, come on.

Come on, Nick.
Time to give it up.

Come clean.

All right, he wrote it!

Oh, what good
was it gonna do him?

I mean, his days were numbered.
He was on death row.

Not anymore.
I know, may he rest in peace.

He was a nice man
but a troubled soul.

But a good man.
They're letting him out.

That m*rder*r?

He appealed his case.
He got off on a technicality.

But he's guilty!

[SOBS]
And mean!

Nick,
how could you steal from a man

who was about
to be ex*cuted?

You're right. I should've waited
till they fried him.

Now, Nick,
aren't you ashamed of yourself?

I'm too scared
to be ashamed.

Did they say how soon
he would be getting out?

What time you got?
Oh!

Oh, listen, tell Sambina
I'll be back someday.

Wait, Nick!
Where are you going?

Undercover.

Bye-bye, blimpo.

So this is where you are.
Oh.

Oh, hey, what are you
doing out here?

Oh, um, well,
Nick's sudden departure

left me with egg on my face,
and my friend is expecting

a great manuscript
that he can publish.

Oh, so you--

You thought you'd just
dash off a bestseller, huh?

Angela, you're not writing
a cookbook, are you?

Now, you don't know
the first thing about cooking.

No, Mother,
it's not a cookbook.

It's a romance novel.

Go for the cookbook.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, come on. Come on,
let me see what you got here.

No, wait--
Tony, it's just a first draft.

All right, all right,
all right,

all right,
all right, all right.

Ah...

"Love sl*ves
of The Suburbs.

An important first novel
by Lady Angelique Bouvier."

Oh, good thinking, Angela.
I'd used an assumed name too.

[CHUCKLES]
Listen to this, listen to this.

"The warm summer wind
gently caressed the turnpike."

[LAUGHING]

That sets
my heart to pound.

Isn't there
anything juicy in here?

Oh, oh, look here.
This looks promising.

"Montgomery pulled her
roughly toward him,

"his manly arms
enveloping her.

"He caressed her neck,

"and his hands
ran through her flaxen hair

"while his fingers
traveled tremblingly

down her spine to her--"

h*-- Wa-- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute here.

What's the matter, Tony?
Is it too hot for you?

No, Angela. What, Montgomery?
How many arms does he got?

He needs four
to do all those things.

Now, I knew a guy
who could do that.

Figures.

Heh. Come on,
I can show you how to do it.

Come on. Take her, Tony.

Take her in your manly arms.

Oh, I-- You know.
Go on, embrace her.

Envelop her
in your manly arms.

That's it.
Okay, there you go. Now...

Ready?
TONY: Yeah.

Now run your hands
through her almost flaxen hair.

ANGELA:
Mother...

All right.
Go on. There.

All right, I said.
Go ahead.

There, huh?
All right.

[MONA GIGGLES]

Now, what?

You figure it out.

["BRAND NEW LIFE" PLAYING]