04x06 - Two On a Billboard

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ So take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road and
A road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is
Up to you, my friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Call him a rebel
with a cause.

Local parents' association
president Tony Micelli

is about to spend the next


Why, Tony?

Because it's there, Russ.

[ALL LAUGH]

No,
the whole point of this is

to remind people
that's it's fun to read.

We're gonna be asking
for pledges

for every hour
I'm on that billboard.

And no amount is too small,
Russ.

How much are you in for?

I guess...a buck.

[CHUCKLES]
Oh, you cheapo.

Next question.

Tony, won't you be
lonely up there?

I'm gonna be with my buddies.
Here they are now:

Romeo and Juliet
and Moby d*ck.

Two star-crossed lovers
and a whale.

Uh, Tony...

What is all this big deal
about reading?

Well, let me see if can
field that one for you, Russ.

See, reading takes you
out of this world

and puts you in another one.

It's like our slogan says:

"Escape with a book."

Ah, very clever, Tony.

That was my idea.

She's in the frame, Russ.

I guess I should give credit
to Miss Angela Bower

from the Bower Agency.

Please, no commercials.



Validated parking
in the rear.

And I am her mother.

Of course, my slogan
was much better.

"Take a book to bed,

or at least somebody
who's read one."

Russ, you're losing
control here.

Tony, don't you think
it's time

to make that long,
lonely climb?

You're right.
Here we go.

Let's go, folks.
Let's get ready.

Gimme me stuff.

Did you remember
your toothbrush?

Yeah,
I got everything.

Give me this here.

Here goes.

Your books!

Oh, don't forget
my books.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Bye!
Bye!

Tony Micelli,
a man with a mission.

But can he make it
for the next 48 hours,

isolated, all alone,
without human contact,

completely cut off
from the rest of the world?

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, that must be for me.

[GRUNTS]

Hello.

Yeah, Mario.
No, no, a large pizza.

Large, yeah.
Double cheese.

Have it here, say noonish.

Okay. I love you too. Bye.

Hello, little people.

[ALL GREETING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Pledge central.

How may I bilk you?

Two dollars an hour?

Well, that's very generous.

Two lousy bucks an hour?
Phil...

Phil, do you remember
that hardware convention

in Cleveland
you invited me to?

Well, how'd you like it

if I blew the whistle
to Mrs. Phil?

Ah, thanks, Phil.

Phil's Hardware:


Twenty bucks an hour?

Mona, that was blackmail.

I, on the other hand,
rely on my charm.

That's why you get
two bucks an hour.

[PHONE RINGING]

Pledge central.

[PHONE RINGING]

Joanne, is something wrong?

Why aren't you answering
the phone?

An earlobe can only take
so much.

It would've been
so much easier

if we'd done the tea party,
like I suggested.

But we always have to do
what Tony wants.

Billboards, boxing matches,
block parties!

That is why we have the
wealthiest parents' association

in the state.

Am I supposed to be
impressed with that?

I mean, this charity
is an absolute bring-down.

Oh, well, time for my pedicure.

Be sure and say hi
to your groomer.

Oops! Hi!
Hi!

Well, how'd it go,
my little pledgester?

Great! Look at all the pledges
we got from the mall.

That's wonderful!
Sam what did you get?

These new shoes!

Aren't the cute?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello, pledge central.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Uh, I would, uh--
I would like to--

I would like to pledge
a thousand dollars

for every hour that
that great American is up there.

A thousand dollars?

Ah, what the hell,

make it 2000.

I-I love
your sexy voice, yeah.

Wait-- Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Eddie, is this you?

[NORMALLY]
What do you mean Eddie?

Gotcha.

That'll teach you
to toy with my emotions.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Ah, you love it.

[LAUGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]

So how's life
in the great outdoors?

[NORMALLY]
Oh, it's great.

It's great,
except for the pigeons.

Get out of here!

[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, hold on.

Just a second.
Sam wants to talk to you.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, sweetheart.

Dad, do you remember
that guy, Chris Owen?

The answer's no.

Oh, come on, Da--

He only wants
to take me to a movie.

No way, Sam. I won't be
there to meet him,

to get to know him,
and to scare him.

But, Dad, come on.

I love you too, sweetheart.
Put Angela back on.

Bye, Dad.
TONY: Bye.

Here, Angela.
Oh.

[PHONE RINGING]

Me again.

So-- So how's things
at pledge central?

Tony, the phones
are ringing off the hook.

Fairfield is
really behind you.

Not just Fairfield.

There's a lady here
from Baltimore.

She saw Tony
on the local news.

A lady's calling
from Baltimore.

She saw you
on the local news!

She's pledging $100.

She's pledging $100!

Two hundred if he'll
father her child.

She's pledging $100.

So kids, read Moby d*ck.

Huh? It's beautifully written.

It raises some deep
philosophical questions.

And I'm telling you,

the big guy eats
more people than Jaws.

[HUMMING JAWS THEME]

All right.
All right, pledge fans.

Now, look, I've been up here...

Let's see.
I've been up here for 10 hours,

ladies and gentlemen.

And I know.
I know it's the dinner hour,

but we can't afford a lull.

Put down that veal chop,
and get on the horn.

Hey. What do I gotta do to get
more pledges, stand on my head?

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Hello.
Well, you must be Angela Bower.

Yes.
I'm James Winslow.

Hello.
National director
of the parents' association.

Please, come in.

Thank you very much.

You know,
back in Washington,

we've heard great things
about your reading campaign.

Well, thank you.
Welcome to the hub of activity.

A little slow right now,
but look at these figures.

Oh...well,

this chapter's
done it again.

Well, it's Tony. He's so dynamic
and so creative.

So upside-down.

All right, pledge fans,
keep them pledges coming

or I'll sing too.

He's got so much charm,
so much humor.

He does, doesn't he?

Oh, he's a diamond in the rough,
a man of the people.

A-A modern-day Abe Lincoln.

♪ Give my regards
To Broadway ♪

♪ Remember me
To Herald Square... ♪

[♪♪♪]

Lonely at the top.

[GROANING]

Oh! Hey!

All right.

There. Hm.

Well, let's see.

Hi, Angela.

Yeah, yeah. I just called
to say good night. Yeah.

And I wanted to remind you
to wind the upstairs clock.

Oh, and do me a favor.

Give the kids
a good night kiss from me, huh.

Oh, and, hey, most important,

make sure you tape
all my TV appearances.

Yeah, well, I'm doing a lot
of boffo stuff up here,

and I want
my grandkids to see it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, don't forget,
lock the front door.

Oh, yeah, I'll do the same.

Good night, Angela.

Oh, thank you very much.

Will that be cash,
check, or charge?

Pledge central.
May I help you?

I can't believe it, Bonnie,

he won't let me
go out with anyone

until this stupid
marathon is over.

You think Jerry Lewis' daughter
has to put up with that?

Angela, I'm afraid
I have some bad news,

something that could
put a black cloud

over your happy household.

You're moving next door?

What are you
talking about?

Why don't we just
tune in and see.

RUSS [ON TV]:
Thank you, Tony Micelli

and parents' association honcho
James Winslow.

A man, a billboard,
a dream,

and you saw it here
on channel 6.

Just one minute,
please, Russ.

Tony, I know this is
a bit unorthodox,

but I'll make
this offer in public.

I don't wanna give you
a chance to say no.

How would you like to be

our national coordinator
for special projects

in Washington, D.C.?

That's the longest job
I've ever been offered.

And the best.

Yeah, you're telling me.

Washington, D.C.?

Does that mean
you're moving, Sam?
Shh.

JAMES:
So, what do
you say, Tony?

Well, Jimbo...

[ALL LAUGH]

I'm certainly flattered,
I really am,

but I'm going to
have to pass.

You heard it here.

How can he turn that down,

unless he's getting major
fringe benefits at home?

Oh, Joanne, not everyone is
as lucky as your gardener.

Well, twerp,

looks like you're still
stuck with me.

Yeah, isn't it great?

I think it's terrific.

Don't you, Angela?

Angela.

Yeah, yeah.
I think it's wonderful.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, I know the signs.

You're all alone
and you're eating.

What's the matter?

It's nothing to worry about.

Well, of course there is.

I'm your mother.
I'm concerned.

I wanted some of that cake.

Okay, come on.
What's bugging you?

It's just-- It's just
a strange feeling I have.

You're not pregnant, are you?

Oh, of course not.
How could that happen?

It's just something about the
way Tony turned down that job.

It seemed so fast.

Well, everyone is not a muller
like you are.

It took you four months
to pick out your scenic checks.

I don't know. Mother, why do you
think he didn't take it?

Who cares?
Angela, you worry too much.

I know. I know.
That's why those little lines

around your eyes
are getting bigger.

Maybe I should talk to Tony.

Why don't you just leave
well enough alone?

But he could be making
the biggest mistake of his life.

So could you, Angela.

Oh, good, good.

All right.
Come on, baby.

Oh, that sun,
it feels so good.

Gee, I hope I don't burn.

This isn't working.

Yoo-hoo, anybody home?

Angela,
what are you doing here?

Well, I just happened to be
in the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd drop up.

Well, come on.
Come on in here.

Come on in.
Thanks.

Hey, hey,

have a seat.
Have a seat.

I got all
the comforts of home,

except for
central heat, you know.

I brought you
a remedy for that...

some hot consommé.

Oh, good, I can soak
my feet in it.

Oh.

[SIGHS]
You know, Angela,
I'm glad you came,

because I've been thinking.

I've been reading
Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, that's
a great story.

It's really romantic.
Hey.

They're both Italian too.
[LAUGHS]

But anyway...

Anyway,
I was just thinking...

You think I'm too strict
with Samantha?

I mean, if Juliet's parents
would've lightened up,

those two kids would be living
happily in Verona Heights.

[LAUGHS]
I like that ending better.

Ah.

Uh, Tony, I, um...

I wasn't just
in the neighborhood.

I wanted to talk
to you.

Oh.

Well, what'd you do?
You, uh...

You mixed chicken
and beef bouillon?
Yeah.

It's good.

Speaking of good,

I saw you on the news
this afternoon.

Oh, yeah?
How did I look?

Five pounds heavier?

Sure, but so does
Roger Ebert.

I must say,
I really liked the way

you handled the interviews.

Only one thing
bothered me.

What?
What you said.

I should've never
called him Jimbo.

I knew that--
Tony, Tony...

I've been in business
a long time,

and I know opportunities
like this

don't come along
very often.

Do you think you gave this
decision enough thought?

Come on, Angela,
you kidding me?

I just moved Sam
from Brooklyn to Connecticut.

What am I gonna do?
Drag her outta some place,

put her in a new school?

And Jonathon, I mean,

he's just starting
to come out of his shell.

He's sh**ting hoops
and everything.

I can't leave before
he makes a basket.

And, uh, what about you?

Yes?
And Mona-- And Mona.

She's a constant problem.

I mean, raising her
isn't easy, you know.

Will you listen
to yourself?

You're talking about
everybody else's needs.

What about you?

You got to start thinking
about your future.

Hey, Angela, are you
trying to get rid of me?

No, no.

It's just that I don't want you
to wake up in a couple of years

and say,
"I should have."

Tony, when I saw you
on TV...

I saw something in you
I've never seen before.

Ah, come on. You've seen me
stand on my head before.

No, really.

You...

You can do anything
you set your mind to.

You think so?

I know so.

Well, gee...

You know,

if I did take that job,

I'd be the first Micelli
to go to work in a tie,

except for Uncle Freddie,
the mortician.

But I'd be the first Micelli
to go to work with a tie

and work with live people.

Well, maybe I should
just leave you to your thoughts.

Thanks a lot.

You drink
that consommé now.

Yeah, yeah. I sure will.
Okay?

Okay. Great. Bye.
Bye.

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]
Tony...

I can't get down.

What do you mean?

You got up okay.

Well, coming up
I was looking up,

but going...
I can't even say it.

Oh, you mean you
have that acra...

What do you call it,
with the heights?

Deathly fear of.
That's it.

Tony, I don't think I can
get down without your help.

Oh, Angela,
I can't help ya.

The minute I step off
this billboard,

it's bye-bye,
pledge money.

I'll cover it.

It's a lot of money.

Well, what are we
going to do?

Well, mi billboard
es su billboard.

Huh? Come on.

Okay. All right.

Um...
How are you feeling?

Much better. Thanks.

Okay, well, time to hit
the old pup tent.

You mean move?

Yeah. Come on.

I'll peel you off
the billboard.

Come on.
Nice and easy.

Now look,
don't look down.

Nice and easy.

Don't look down.
I got you.

Watch out, now.
We're almost there.

We're almost there.

I don't know
much about camping,

but isn't it
a bad omen

when your tent
flies away?

Don't worry about it.
We'll be warm.

Come back. Come back.
Guess what I got.

What?
I got a sleeping bag!

Just one?

Well, I'm sorry, but I wasn't
expecting drop-up guests.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, look, I've had two people
in here before.

I mean,
there's plenty of room.

Here we go. Here.

Just hang on.

I'll make it
real easy for ya.

All right.
You step in there.

Step in feet first.
Go ahead.

[WHIMPERING]
I know, I know. Don't look.

Just...

I know how hard
it is to step.

Come on. That's a girl.

That's a girl.

Now me.

Now me.

Take it easy,
take it easy.

Take it easy!

Let me get in.

All right, here...

Here we go. Good.

Whoa! Just kidding.

Just kidding.

Just kidding!
Just kidding.

Here we go.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Mmmph!

You putting on
a few pounds?

Just kidding!

There you are.
All right.

Okay, now look.

When I say three,

we just slide
to the ground.

Okay.
Ready? One...two...three.

Hey, that wasn't so bad,
was it?

No. It's actually
kind of cozy.

Yeah.
Ohh...

[BOTH SIGHING]

Oh, the city lights.

When you're down there
in the middle of it,

you never notice
how really beautiful it is.

Yeah, well, I guess to really
appreciate it.

You have to be above it.

You know, way up,
looking down.

Tony.

I'm sorry.
Okay.

Well...I guess
we'll call it a night.

Hey, no reason to lock up!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH SIGH]

Good night, Tony.

You know,
uh...Angela,

I-- I really
do appreciate

your coming
all the way up here

and bringing me
that great consommé.

And, uh...

And, you know, helping me
think this thing out.

Well...anything
to get out of the house.

Hey, Angela...

Yeah?

How would you feel
if I took that job?

I'd be proud.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ah...

Well, I-- I never did
like wearing a tie, anyway.

Good night, Angela.

Good night, Tony.

Well, the Tony Micelli
billboard marathon

has officially come to a close.

Here he comes now,
making his final descent.

TONY:
Come on, Angela.
Relax.

One rung at a--

That's a girl.
Here we go.

Nice and easy.

Guess what's coming up.
Oh, no!

The ground.
Take it easy.

Come on, here we are.

[ALL CHEERING]

Oh, terra firma,

I'll never
leave you again.

The reading campaign
has been a huge success.

The parents' association
has made over $10,000!

Could you break
this up, please?

I need a clear shot.
No way.

I'm never letting go
of this family!

Oh, that's
my favorite part.

I could
watch it forever.

I was afraid of that.

Yeah, yeah.
Just let me rewind it.

Oh, no!

Do we have
to watch it again?

Yes.
Yes.

Oh, no!

[♪♪♪]