06x02 - Life's a Ditch

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music playing]

Singer: ♪ there's a time for
love and a time for livin' ♪

♪ take a chance
and face the wind ♪

♪ an open road and
a road that's hidden ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

♪ there were times ♪

♪ i lost a dream or two ♪

♪ i found the trail ♪

♪ and at the end was you ♪

♪ there's a path you take
and a path not taken ♪

♪ the choice is
up to you, my friend ♪

♪ nights are long
but you might awaken ♪

♪ to a brand-new life ♪

♪ brand-new life ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

Mmm. There, huh?

Now, if I could just get
this one ugly spot out here.

Wait a minute.

That ugly spot is me.

I got a blemish!

Angela's photo sh**t
is stressing me out.

Tony...chill out, hmm?

Mona, you don't
understand.

Angela's client
picked my kitchen

Because they wanted
a combination of realism

And homeyness you know.

Millions of people
are going to see this ad,

And I want my kitchen
to look perfect.

From the osterizer
to the melon baller.

She is doing
a dog food ad here.

Dogs don't
use appliances.

You see, mona,
that's how much

You know.

Scooby-doo
has a microwave.

Dad, how do
you know?

Hey, I read.

Now come on.
Let's work, girls.
Let's work.

Yeah, sure.
Sure, sure.

You got it.

So, more coffee?

Or just the check.

No, thanks, tony.
We're all done.

Trish just recommended
one of her models.

So, I think it would be
perfect for the ad.

Oh, oh, great, great.

As long as she doesn't clash
with my kitchen.

You'll love her tony.

Her eyes pick up the blue
in brillo pads.

Excuse me, trish.
Brillo is pink.

You must be
thinking of s.o.s.

Oh, my mistake.

It's okay. By the way,
trish,

Does your agency
ever handle

The olive-skinned,
mediterranean,

Roman god type?

Tony I'm sure
she's got a fig leaf

With your name on it.

Oh...angela,
the way you talk.

Holy...
[Doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get that.

Hey, mr. Micelli,
how you doing?

Hey, I'm doing
great.

How you doing?
I can't complain.

Well, that
is terrific,

Really.
Who are you?

Charlie briscoe
from brooklyn.

Wait, little charlie
from next door?

You're kidding.

When I left there
five years ago

You were--you were


What happened?

I grew.

You kids
and your crazy fads.

Come in here,
sweetheart.

Oh, by the way does
somebody park

A yuppie-looking convertible
out there

With the top down?

Yes. Why?

Because somebody's
sprinkler is watering

Your front seat.
Ah.

I'd love to stay and chat,

But that would be dumb.

No, no, no.
Dumb is leaving

Your top down
next to a sprinkler.

The passenger seat
must be soaked by now.

Can I give you a lift?

Tuesday, angela.

Yes, trish.
Bye, bye trish.

Thanks a lot.
Trish. Roman.

Hello, charlie.
I'm angela bower.

Yeah, I know,
I know.

Sam told me
all about you.

You're tony's boss.

No, you're more
than a boss.

You're more like
a friend.

Nah, it's more than
a friend

It's almost like
you guys

Got something going.

Well, not actually going,

But maybe sometime
in the future--

That's all right.

Boy, those kids they say
the darnedest things.

Don't they?
Yeah.

Wilma?

Betty!

Archie!

Jughead!

They always had
these cute little names

For each other.

Pigface.

Barfbreath.

Their relationship
had a rocky period.

What are you
doing here?

Well, me and my mom
were in the area

Visiting some cousins,
I thought I'll come

Look you up.
Oh, great.

Come on, you've got
to see my room.

Yeah, I want to check out

How the other half lives.

Okay. Hey, well, hey,
back to the kitchen.

Tony: work, work, work.

Tony, which
is harder to get

Off the floor,
butterscotch

Or hot fudge?

What?

Oh, what's the deal
if I drop both.

This is it.

Oh, nice, nice.
Very nice.

Hey, cool boots.

Birthday present
from angela.

Whoa, check out
this stereo.

Oh, dad got that
on sale.

Hey, you got a lot
of great stuff.

Briscoe,
are you visiting me

Or casing the joint?

I'm sorry.

So, since when do you have
cousins in connecticut?

Since never.
I don't have cousins

In connecticut.
Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Not another one
of your scams.

What scam?

The one that ends up
with us behind bars

Getting deloused
by a woman named bertha?

Look, I just came here to see

If an old friend was interested
in having a little fun.

That's all.
What kind of fun

Are we talking about?

Fun fun.

You're allowed
to have fun out here

In happy swell meadows,
aren't you?

Yes.
Good.

So what
do you say

Me and you ditch
school tomorrow?

Ditch?

I can't believe

How together
charlie seems.

You know, when her
father passed away,

I tried to chip in
and keep an eye out for her.

But [speaks italian]

What a handful
she was.

Always getting
sam in trouble.

Tony, you know, people change.

You got in trouble
when you were a kid, so did i.

[Laughing]

You, angela?

Come on,
get out of here.

I know that
it's hard to believe,

But when I was
in high school,

Do you know that I had to write

A 15-page paper on henry james.

I hated henry james
so much

That I could
only write 14 pages.

Do you know
what I did?

I shortened the margins,
by a quarter of an inch.

I retyped
the entire paper,

And I handed it in

As if it was
a real 15-page paper.

Ooh!

Angela bower,
rebel typist.

No, you are not talking me
into ditching.

All right,
I won't.

But let me just ask
you one question.

When was the best
ditch day of all time?

April 8th, 1984.


Exactly, remember we found
that $20 dollar bill

On the way to school.
Yeah.

And we took the bus
down to coney island

And walked around
the boardwalk

Getting cotton candies
and snow cones for lunch.

Well, my teeth hurts
just thinking about it.

Oh, come on.
We'll have a blast.

No. I don't know.

Micelli,
you've gone soft.

How come I can do this
and you're hung up

On your conscience?

Because my conscience
has a tattoo

And carries around
a big mop.

See, that's the beauty
part of my life.

Since I left home,

I make my own rules.

What do you mean
you left home?

That's right,
charlie briscoe

Is a free agent,
on her own,

Answers to no one.

Isn't that great?

You ran away
from home?

Charlie,
you can't do that

Your mother
will go nuts!

No, no, the only thing

My mother cares about
is her boyfriends.

What that guy bob?

Bob? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Then larry,
then phil,

And then another
guy named bob.

And then the first guy
named bob came back.

And then there was
this guy name

I never knew,
so I just

Called him bob.

Briscoe, what are you
gonna do?

Anything I want.

[Knock on door]

Hey, charlie!

What do you say
stay for dinner?

Dinner? Won't we
be messing up america's

Favorite kitchen?

We'll gonna get a bucket
of chicken and eat in the yard.

Yeah, dinner
sounds great,

Mr. Micelli.
Tony: okay.

I really got to be
on my way.

Hey,
what's the rush?

Why don't you
sleep over?

She doesn't have
any school tomorrow, dad.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'll call my mom.

It'll be all right.

Tomorrow's teachers'
conference day.

Oh, yeah.

I used to live for those
teachers' conference days.

Those, snowstorms,

And, yeah, yeah,

Them jewish
holidays.

All right,
charlie,

Happy hanukkah!

Isn't this great?
No school today!

Shh! He's right in there.

I know I'll feel
a lot better about this

Once I've had a
great time at the beach,

And I have a great tan.

Oh, my god, a tan!

He's gonna know
we ditched.

Hello. Use sunscreen.

And look,
now go in there,

Act like
everything's cool,

And it will be.
Okay?

Tony: hello, girls.

Hi!

Good morning. Good morning.
Ready for breakfast?

What do you mean
by that?

I mean, you're gonna
let us eat in the kitchen?

Of course.
Are you kidding?

Come on!

Come on!

Just stay
on the runners.

Hey, and, mona,
don't drip

Any coffee over there.

This is no longer
an obsession,

It's a twisted
cry for help.

I just want my kitchen
to look perfect.

Is that so wrong?

Definitely.
Yes.

All right, come on.

Come on,
let's eat here.

Help yourselves--
neatly.

Where are my manners?

You are a guest
in this house.

And if you
weren't a guest,

You'd know
to be a lot quicker.

You know, I like her.
Reminds me

Of my mother.

Mom, I don't
feel so good.

Not on my floor!

Honey, well, you
don't have fever.

What's wrong?

I just feel
kind of achy.

Oh.

Well,
maybe you should

Just stay home today,

Jonathan.
Yeah.

Aw, come on, jonathan.

Sweat it out!

Be a man!

At least
sweat it out.

You know,
something's going

Around my school with
this exact symptom.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

But it's really
easy to cure.

Gamma globulin.

Gamma what?
What's that?

A big thick needle
in your butt.

How do you feel now?

Well, golly, gee.
You know what?

I'm feeling
much better already.

Hey, I'm leaving
feeling great!

Take it easy,
kid.

Hey, that stuff
works fast.

Come on, mother, let's go.
We have a busy day.

You know, angela,

I'm feeling
kind of achy, too.

Nice try mother.

You'll miss me
when I'm gone.

We'll see.

Tony: bye, girls.
Bye.

Hey, listen,
I've got to run to--

I got an early class.

Now, charlie, what time are
you heading back to the city?

Well, actually
I'm gonna spend the day

With sam
it would be fun

To go to a school
I don't have to go

Through a
metal detector.

[Laughs] yeah, yeah,
see, I know how that is.

You know, it used to be
a lot more fun

When mrs. Melatesti
used to frisked me herself.

See ya.

All right.
Yes.

♪ and with the radio
blasting ♪

♪ going cruisin' just
as fast as she can now ♪

♪ and she'll have
fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ till her daddy
takes her t-bird away ♪

Oh, yeah.

You know, I've really
missed hanging out

With you, pigface.

Yeah, well, stick with me,
barfbreath.

And then party
never stops...

♪ 'cause we'll have ♪

♪ fun, fun, fun
till my daddy-- ♪

[Door opens]

Kills me.

And that's the name
of that tune.

Whoa, sam, look at the time
we're gonna be late.

We better get going.
Really? What am I doing

Dressed like that,
we have to go change,

Excuse me.
Freeze.

Get back here.

I knew
something was up.

How?

How? Fatherly
intuition,

A keen sense
of human behavior.

And I left
my chem book home.

All right, young lady
get yourself ready for school.

And also get yourself ready
for a lengthy grounding.

And another thing, you know,

We don't take these
fluffy towels to the beach.

And you...

I'm calling
your mother, right now.

Oh, no, dad, you can't.

Don't do that.
That's all right sam.

Mr. Micelli,
you can call my mother,

But she's not
gonna care.

Hey, charlie,
your talking to me now.

Your mother's
gonna care plenty.

What's the number?





We'll see here.

Uh, hello, lorraine?
Um...

This is tony micelli.

Remember,
I used to live next--

Right, right.

Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm a little upset.

You know, uh, your daughter
charlie stayed here

Last night, with sam,

So today
they could cut school,

But don't you worry.

I'm bringing her
to brooklyn right now.

Tony: what?

But lorraine
this is your daughter

You're talking about.

Yeah, I know
but how can you--

She hung up,
didn't she?

What did
she say?

Well, she said, uh...

Keep her.

Hi, tony.
How's charlie?

Oh, she's fine.

I'm a basket case.

I went down to brooklyn

And talked
to her mother.

Well, how did it go?

Not good.

She kept
calling me bob.

Look, let's get another
bed put it in my place.

She can stay
with me for a while.

I hardly ever sleep
there anyway.

Doesn't she have
any other relatives?

Yeah. She has one,
but he's a horse's behind.

Tony, you're talking
about her family.

No, no. He really is
a horse's behind.

He works in
a traveling circus

And he plays the
backside of a horse.

Where does he
put his head?

Mother!

I like to visualize.

Unbelievable.

Where does he put his head?
Oh, will you stop

With the horse.

Forget the horse here.
What are we going

To do with charlie?

We just can't kick her
out in the street.

Well, she can stay here
tonight,

And tomorrow she can
help with the sh**t,

And, uh...

After that, i...

I feel so bad
for that poor girl.

I mean, she's just so young,
no one to care for her.

She's just a child.

Excuse me, mom.

Can I go--

Mom!

Stop! Stop!

What the hell was that?

I'm...

Sorry, honey,
I just had to do it.

And you. You just stood there

And let it happen.

Well, she seemed too
dangerous to approach.

I don't want to know why you
have lipstick on your nostrils.

Dad?
Yeah, honey.

I know what we
can do with charlie.

Oh, really?
Let me hear.

Let me hear.
Let her stay with us.

Oh, well, sam,
where are we gonna put her?

In jonathan's room.

Well, then

Where's jonathan's
suppose to sleep?

Military school,
it will do him some good.

Come on sam
be reasonable here.

But dad she's from
the old neighborhood.

And you always say
we have to take care of our own.

I know sam.

But putting a cot
up in your bedroom.

Is not
what charlie needs

Charlie needs to get
her life back on track.

But dad, we'll help her.

Sam, charlie needs
somebody around her

Full-time.

Do you understand?

Yeah, I understand.

You've changed.

You used to be the first person

To help a friend
in trouble.

Now that we're living here
in happy swell meadows,

You don't care.

But...sam...

Okay. I know where
he puts his head.

Okay, I was
wrong here, eddie.

Look, give me some life
on that counter.

Mess it up.

[Glass clinking]

Yeah, that's it.
Here take this.

That's it.

Good, good, good.

Now this,
this is reality.

Ahh!

My beautiful,
immaculate kitchen.

What have you done,
you barbarian?

Now, tony--
what do you mean tony?

Look at my--
hey, wait a minute!

Wait a minute!
You're smudging my toaster!

Why don't you just stick me
through the heart with a knife.

Eddie, get the knife.

You'll never work
in this kitchen again.

Tony...

Hey, tony,
how's it going?

Trish, I can't work
like this.

I'm washing my hands
in the whole thing.

Your housekeeper
is so tortured.

[Laughs] yeah.

Is the model here yet?

Oh, she's up stairs
getting made up.

I'm sorry we're late.

She had a little trouble
with her car.

She couldn't find it.

Sorry.

Hey, someone tell miss lip gloss

That she's hogging the john.

And that perfume--

Where did she
get that stuff?

I gave it to her.

Couldn't wait
to get rid of it, huh?

Trish, you
remember charlie.

How could I forget?

Angela, I need to get
some test shots

With a stand-in.
Oh, sure.

Charlie,
how would you like

To be our stand-in,

And,
um, stand in.

Well, you know, angela,

I'm only
in high school,

But I think I can handle it.

Here I am, darling!

How does my light look?

Bill: fabulous,

But you need stand
where the star's gonna be.

Yeah,
I thought I was.

Chomper's the star.

I'm standing in
for a mutt?

Bill: you can't expect him
to do it--

Too much light
makes his tail droop.

Of course.

Oh, boy, it doesn't get
any better than this--

Down on all fours,

While facing a bowl
of beef by-products.

Mmm!

Bill, chomper's here,
but we've got a problem--

He went berserk
when he saw mr. Clean.

Tony: hey! No! No!
[Chomper barking]

Tony: get back!
Get back! Get back!

Not my shoe!

[Dog barking]

That's one
big chihuahua, man!

I think the sh**t
went pretty well.

Yeah, it went
really smoothly...

Once you put tony
in the back yard.

Could I
come in now?

Yes, tony, you may
come in now.

Would it have k*lled you

To leave me a bowl
of water?

I'm sorry tony, would you like
me to scratch behind your ears.

Oh, don't do that!
My leg thumps!

Do you think charlie would be
interested in becoming a model?

What?
What?

Take a look for yourselves--

The camera really
loves this girl.

Not bad.
Not bad.

Not bad, she looks great.

And you know
what else I like?

Notice the way
the gloss from my linoleum

Gives her this
great backlighting, see?

See where it's coming...

It's, it's...

I know faces.

I think this girl
is gonna have a future.

I'd like to work
with her.

Do you mean it?

Well, that's great!
Trish, that's great!

You know, she's really
a fun kid.

She's quiet.
She's well-behaved.

Tony.

Well, I'll be
perfectly honest with you.

She can be a real...
Pain in the neck.

I was thinking
a little lower.

Defiant, rebellious,
headstrong?

Those, too.

It's a lot to ask
to take on someone

Like that.

It is.

But then I'm a glutton
for punishment.

Bring her in.

Oh, great, trish,
that's great!

Yo! Charlie!

Charlie: yo, what?
Oh, god.

Yo, get in here!

Charlie: okay, okay.
Don't have a cow.

Did I mention
she has a mouth?

Charlie...

How do you like
to quit your job

As a doggy stand-in?

What and give up
show business?

I'm talking about
becoming a real model.

Okay, so finish the joke.

It's no joke.

You can live with me

And the other new models,
and I'll train you.

Is she
on any medication?

Not yet.

Yeah well, forget it, okay,

Because I'm happy with my life

I don't have to live with you

And a bunch of other cheekbone
jockeys.

Well, wait a minute,
charlie.

Don't be a jerk.

A chance like this
comes along

Once in a blue moon.
This is your moon,

Grab it.
Yeah, well, I'm not cut out

To be a model.
So, go moon somebody else.

I'm sorry, trish.

I thought
it would be good for her.

Well, I still think
it would be good for her.

I'm gonna straighten
that kid out.

All right, one question.

How many bathrooms
you've got?

Two.
How many girls?

Four.

All right, I like the odds.

So, is it a deal?

All right, all right,
stop twisting my arm.

[Laughs]
go get your stuff.

Go get your stuff.

Oh, trish, thank you.

Hey, charlie,
how did it go today?

Get this.
Trish just asked me

To be a model.

No.
Yeah,

I'm going to live
at trish's house of beauty.

Charlie, that's great.

Yeah, well we'll see.
If nothing else,

It gets me out
of your father's hair.

Yeah, look
I'm really sorry

You couldn't stay here,

But you know my dad.

I'm so disappointed
in him.

Oh, yeah, you should be.

A guy who moves you
to paradise,

Gives you everything you need.

Helps a kid
he hardly knows.

What a bum!

You know, I'd forget
father's day if I were you.

[Humming]

Hey sam, you know what
I feel like cooking.

How about
a little lasagna?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

And I'll--i was going
to say chicken!

Tony: who's the boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

Now remember...
Be very careful

While you're in manhattan.

Dad, all I'm gonna do
is visit charlie

And see what a model's
life is like.

Okay, okay, but remember
these three things--

Number one, do not make
eye contact with any weirdos.

Got you.
Okay, and number two,

Don't let charlie talk you
into anything at all.

Check!
Okay.

And number three--

If you get a chance

Slip these to trish.



You never know when she's
gonna need a roman god.

[Theme music playing]