04x02 - k*ll Him with Kindness

[bunniefuu]

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

I didn't know there were so many types of insurance.

Rest assured. Our policies cover everything--

From loss of limb

To an untimely demise

Leaving the bereaved,

Shall we say...

Paid.

For an arm...

You get $,.

But how much do we get if one of us should...

Die?

You don't have to sound so happy about it.

Whoa. That's a lot of money.

Yes, it is.

Unfortunately,

We all have to go sometime.

But, if it's an accident,

You get paid double.

That gina plotting to k*ll my boy!

You!

Get out!

Get your narrow a*s outta here!

You're a little up in age yourself.

You might want to take my card.

Take that, you...

Ohh!

Mrs. Payne, what is this all about?

Don't play dumb with me, gina.

You know damn well what this is about.

You got too much head to be stupid.

Oh, I get it.

You're mad at me

Because I don't know how to do martin's laundry

Like you do.

You know, don't get flip with me, gina.

I'll knock the teeth out your mouth.

You'll look like a halloween pumpkin.

Pow!

Solid, man!

Look, I am doing the best I can

To take care of martin, o.k.?

What?

Let me tell you something--

'Cause that's my boy.

Don't you come down on my boy!

You take care of him,

And you remember this--

Every move you make,

Every breath... [Sucking air]

You take...

I'll be watching you.

Don't even invite me to the wedding.

I'm still pissed about that,

Thin thighs!

I can't take it.

Martin's mother tries to run our lives,

And he just sits there.

He's not sitting. He's just short.

I'm serious, pam.

She makes him biscuits.

She does his laundry.

She changes our sheets.

She tucks the corners in so tight,

I rolled over and almost broke a toe.

I would love it

If somebody did my laundry.

I wouldn't mind it,

But she keeps throwing out

My cute little underwear and giving me these.

What am I supposed to do with this?

She says stuff like,

"Bikini underwear are for skeezers."

And does martin take up for me?

No, no.

You know brothers--

They love their mothers like they love cooked food.

What am I supposed to do, pam?

You can do like his mother does.

You know I can't grow no mustache.

That was cool.

You got to give it up.

Gina, you got to take control.

Beat his mother at her own game.

k*ll him with kindness.

Know what I'm saying?

Make him forget his mama biscuits.

I could do that.

Girl, you so stank.

I'm loving it.

Hey, hey.

Why you in here

Looking like a couple of stanks?

O.k. What's going on?

We really need to talk, honey.

Well, should we go outside?

You know how deputy dawg

Got them highly sensitive ears.

We got half our business all in the street.

Move out of my way.

As much as I can't stand him,

Just k*ll him with kindness.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Hey, baby.

Martin, baby, we got to talk.

Your mother busted in here with the laundry.

Then she came back with some biscuits.

My mama came back with some biscuits?

Where my mama biscuits?

Right there, martin.

Oh, cool!

You didn't want none of my mama biscuits?

I can't. She said if I touch one,

She'd make my eyes even tighter.

Then you better leave them alone.

I'm going to go change.

How you going to turn down a mama biscuit?

Damn.

Mmm.

Uh.

Damn. Mama's slipping.

A note in the damn...

Biscuit.

Martin!

Psst! Psst!

I said, martin!

Get out of there fast as you can.

Apple-head is trying to--

Turn over the note.

Boy, I said turn over the note!

Apple-head is trying to set you up

For the insurance money.

Oh, damn. Mama's losing it.

And I ain't losing it!

I overheard her and the insurance man

Planning it this morning.

Now, look,

Hurry up and swallow the note.

Swallow it before

Apple-head come out and catch me

And know that I told you.

Martin.

Martin, baby.

Yeah, baby?

We really need to talk

About this insurance policy soon.

Uh...yeah, yeah.

Let's talk about the insurance policy, baby,

But wh-what's the hurry?

Oh, none.

I just wanted to get some

In case, you know...

Something might happen.

Baby, can you get me a drink of water?

[Mama voice] yeah, sure, i--

That sound like mama.

That sound like mama.

Yeah, sure, baby,

I'll get you something to drink.

What the hell is going on?

Baby, do you want a big glass

Or a little glass?

At this point,

It really doesn't matter.

Oh.

Ohh.

Hah!

Either one of you got insurance, man?

I was thinking about getting some for the pacer,

But the payments cost more than the car note.

Hey, hey, cole. You bricking like that

And still paying on that pacer?

That pacer must be years old.

Yeah, I know.

More payments, and she all mine.

I'm talking about life insurance.

Gina got some for me, right?

But something about it ain't right.

What you mean, something ain't right?

That's what people do

When they plan their families.

True. So you mean gina just being responsible.

Sure.

My baby gina would never, ever

Set me up for the loot.

Gina set you up for the loot?

Ha ha ha ha!

Come on, man,

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Not me. I've heard some stupid things in my time.

Yeah. Most of them came right out your mouth.

Some things have been happening.

Some strange things have been happening.

What things, martin?

O.k. I go to eat one of my mama biscuits, right,

And there lies a note in the middle of the biscuit

That say watch your back about gina.

Oh, yeah?

Your moms is always right.

They got that, uh...

Women's intermission.

Martin, your mama,

Well, she tends to get--

My mama tends to what, tommy?

My mama tends to what?

Don't go talking about my mama.

I'll kick you so hard you'll grow a shag.

Just tell us what else happened.

What happened was I'm standing out there

Right after the biscuit thing happened.

O.k. She hollers out,

"Martin, can you get me some water?"

This is gina I'm talking about.

I say, "yeah, baby, I'll get you some water."

I open the cabinet...

Ka-boom!

Three cans, man,

Damn near fell on my head.

I could have been outta here.

The only thing that saved me

Was the ears, man.

Martin, I'm sure it was just an accident.

They were three cans of pork and beans,

Three identical cans.

Yo, trip this--

Big shirley tried to k*ll me once, too,

Over a pork chop.

I can't even talk about it.

I'll ask you a question.

You be serious with me now.

This is about my baby.

You think, uh...

Gina living foul?

Let me put it to you like this.

She probably at home right now, back at your crib,

Setting you up,

Make it look like an accident.

Remember, gina went to college.

She know how to get broke off.

Something wrong with you, cole.

Something really wrong with you.

Gina'd never do anything to hurt martin

For any amount of money,

I don't care how much.

$ Million!

I'd k*ll you for $ million!

For $ million, I'd k*ll myself.

Why, gina? Why?

Didn't I give you everything?

Everything but $ million.

[Sniff]

Hey.

You smell that?

Man, what the hell is that?

That would be me.

Moms made chili for lunch.

That's nasty.

No. It's more than the chili thing.

It's more than chili.

The stove.

She left the gas on.

This ain't no joke.

Now you believin' what I'm saying?

I could be taken out any minute.

This is not no joke.

[Loud ticking]

Aw, damn! The clock!

It-it's...

Uhh!

Uhh!

Augggh!

Uhh! Uhh!

Aieee-yah!

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

Uhh...uhh!

Hold on! Hold on, man!

Martin, it's just an alarm clock!

But now it's abroke alarm clock, tommy.

Ohh!

Ohh...

Whiplash!

Whiplash.

[Groaning]

Somebody waxed the hell out of that floor.

One minute.

You know what?

I saw gina earlier

With a full bucket of mop 'n' glow.

Man, the fall was for me.

He's right.

You know...look!

Time to go to work.

I got to go.

God bless this house.

You ain't got no job, man!

Tonight's the night, pam.

When I'm done with him,

He won't know what hit him.

Pam--

A doberman will always turn on you.

Girl, I got to go.

Hey. How you doing?

How you doing?

I'm cool.

Dinner will be ready soon.

You go over there and have a seat.

Wh-wh-why can't you put down the fork?

Why you swinging that fork?

All right. Whatever.

Well, whatever.

Martin, baby, I made all your favorites,

And to top it off-- chocolate cake.

It's to die for.

It's to die for?

Oh, yeah.

Right on.

Hello. ?

Yeah, how long y'all stay open?

Martin, who are you calling?

That was nobody, baby.

That was the wrong number.

Well...

Doesn't matter anyway.

Dinner's ready.

Oh, baby,

I made you a...

I don't want no steak.

I don't want no steak.

I'm a vegetarian.

Martin, stop playing.

Let's have a toast. Hold this.

Take it.

This is to us

And for us to be together

Forever and ever...

Till death do us part.

Ouch. Yeah. Got an itch.

Got an itch on the back.

Yeah. Yeah, right up--

Ahh.

Go down a little.

Bring it over.

Go right up under the blade.

Right here?

Yeah, that's it.

That's right there, baby.

Why don't you drink?

Drink.

Sip on.

Sip on.

You know what, martin?

Arrgh!

You got to taste this.

Got to taste this.

I worked on this all day.

Have some.

Open up, baby.

Your hair look-- who did your hair?

Me.

Girl, your hair looks--

Your hair look like a b*mb.

I say, your hair looking like the b*mb.

Really?

Yeah. Who did it?

Turn around, let me see.

Girl, give me that.

Mmm.

Mm-mm-mm.

That steak was the b*mb.

I'm telling you,

You put just the right amount of season on that.

That's why I knew we'd get married.

You seem a little tense.

Let me give you a massage.

I'm not tensed at all.

Just relax, baby!

Don't make me come after you.

How does that feel?

What you mean, "how does that feel"?

How does that feel?

It feels like you're--

It feels like you're too damn close

To my adam's apple, gina.

You trying to choke me?

What is your problem?

$ Million, gina.

The policy-- that's my problem.

I ain't going out like that.

If I got to fight you like you a man,

I'll fight you, gina.

Bounce with it, gina.

Martin, do you think that I'm trying to k*ll you?

Where would you get an idea like that?

My mama had sai--

Oh, jeez.

Mama had said

She heard you and the insurance man

Talking about what y'all gonna to do to me.

If you take a limb or a leg off,

You'll get gs

And gs for an ear.

Martin. Martin!

If your mother would have stayed

For the whole story,

She'd have gotten it straight.

Mama didn't get it straight?

No.

Well, what's up with the insurance policy?

What's all that about?

Mama wouldn't lie.

Martin, the thing isn't even signed.

All right? Look.

It's not signed.

I just wanted to talk to you about it.

Oh, wow.

Uh...

[Speaking gibberish]

What's wrong with you now?

Nauseous.

Nauseous...

[Moaning]

The stomach's bubbling.

I'm feeling a little traumatization right now.

Give me a minute.

Go into the bathroom!

Don't get it on my floor!

Where's my martin?

I said, where's my martin?

Ah-hyah!

Where is he?

Where's the body?

Where's the body,

Or the whole place is going.

All right, gina!

I'm taking you down!

I'll count to three.

Boom!

You're going out!

Where's my martin?

Martin's in the bathroom.

Would you calm down, mrs. Payne?

[Coughing]

O.k.

Now you're overstepping your boundaries.

Are you strapped?

You can threaten me,

But I'm standing up for what's mine.

What'syours?

Let me tell you something.

Martin's my boy.

Well, he's my husband, o.k.?

I am good to that man.

Well, I overheard you and the insurance man--

I am not done yet.

That's right.

You heard wrong.

See, I may not wait on martin like you do,

But I love him more than anything else in this world.

You'll just have to realize

There are two mrs. Paynes in this world.

This is my house.

I run this.

You got me there.

We're both going to die!

Girl, I'm playing with you.

I like the way you stepped up.

Being a woman for a change.

You keep that up,

And mama might learn to respect you.

[Honk]

Do you think that maybe one day

You might learn to like me?

Hell, no!

Baby.

Yeah.

Was that mama's voice I heard?

Yeah. She was here.

Now she's out terrorizing the streets.

Is she all right?

I think you should worry less about your mama

And a little more about me.

I thought I was the number-one woman

In your life.

You are the number-one woman in my life,

And you're my wife,

And I love you.

I love you.

Mmm... Mmm...

That's what I love to hear.

Let's toast to that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

We'll make a toast.

I love you.

Let me get...

O.k. You got it?

Here's to, uh...

First of all, marriage.

Well, here's to love...

Yes.

Honor, respect...

Yes.

Most of all...

Let it be heard!

Most of all--

Trust.

Wow.

Hear, hear.

Baby, you know what?

Yeah, baby, talk to me. I'm home.

Don't waste my--

We need some food. You mother--

Damn.

Now we're there.

Just give them the story point.

I'm not going to try to top that.

Ute