05x01 - Is You Is or Is You Ain't

[bunniefuu]

Oh, boo...

It's been a long night.

Yeah.

You never know how much your friends mean to you

Till something happens.

Drop that science, baby.

Drop that science.

Martin?

Yeah?

Speaking of friends...

My friend didn't come visit me this month.

What you talkin' about?

Pam comes by here damn near every day,

Barkin' and scratchin' at the door and whatnot.

What you talkin' about?

No, martin. My <span tts:fontstyle="italic">other</span>friend.

But, gina, I thought I met all your friends.

Ok, ok. Martin...[Sighs]

Whew!

You know how I been nauseous and tired

And eating everything in sight?

Gina, you tryin' to tell me...

Baby, I'm not sure yet, but...maybe.

Are--are you tryin' to tell me I might-- I might be a daddy?

Yeah, baby.

Whoo whoo whoo!

Whoo whoo whoo!

Martin.

Captwhwhng made possible by warner bros.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

!

Whoo whoo whoo!

Ohh, gina!

Martin!

Whoo whoo whoo!

Martin!

I'm gonna be a daddy!

You are gonna hurt yourself!

But, gina, I'm gonna be a daddy, baby!

I'm gonna be a big papa!

Gina, baby, how did this happen?

I mean, I know how it happened, gina,

I mean, but I thought we was just practicing.

I didn't know the game had started already, baby.

Martin, with all the practicing we do around here...

Yeah?

We was bound to score sooner or later.

True that.

There you go.

True that.

'Cause, you know, once my million men get to marchin',

Baby, ain't no stoppin' them!

Hut-! Hut-!

Oh, lord.

Wham! I'm in there!

Martin!

Martin!

Come on, now, seriously!

We got to talk about this. Come on.

You're right. You're right.

Ok, let me-- let me think, ok?

We got to get names, ok, baby?

A crib...and we got to get him in the best schools.

Hey, gina, if he's gonna be large like his father,

He gotta get into the best schools, baby!

Martin, before you start filling out college applications,

I said that I might, <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> might</span>be pregnant.

I'm only a couple of days late.

It's not official yet.

What you mean it's not official yet, gina?

What, we got to have a license to have a baby?

Sit down. Come on.

I will call the doctor and make an appointment for after work,

But until then, martin, I really don't want you

To say anything to anybody, ok?

Oh, come on, gina!

I got to let them know I'm the man!

Come on, I put it in there!

I got to let them know what's happenin', baby.

Come on, look at the walk! Gotta tell them!

No!

No! No! No!

Now, promise me you won't say anything

Until we know for sure, martin.

Baby, this is our first child!

Martin!

All right.

My lips are sealed, gina.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

I'm gonna be a daddy! That's right!

Go tell somebody I'm gonna be a daddy

'Cause marty mart don't sh**t no blanks.

Better understand, this g*n is loaded! Ha ha ha!

You know what I mean?

You might as well call me a gardener

'Cause I damn sure planted the seed!

Congratulations!

Hey, nip! Thank you, man!

Look here, man. You get cigars.

Cigars?

Yeah. One for the baby I'm having.

One for the baby you having.

Well, all right.

All right, then there.

Hey! What's up, dog?

Good! How you feel, man?

What's goin' on, man?

All right!

So, what did you call us down here for?

Yeah, man. I was in the middle of giving moms a sponge bath.

What's the big news?

Check it out!

Gina's expecting.

Expecting what?

What you think, cole?

I don't know. Give me some guesses.

Expecting....

A baby!

Ok! All right!

Congratulations, man!

You having a baby, dog!

Well, you know... You know how I do.

I just wanted y'all to be the first to know.

First to know!

Yo! Congratulations on your kid, kid.

Thank you, buckwhite. I appreciate that.

So, we're the first to know, huh?

First or the th, tommy,

What difference does it make, man?

All right. Well, look, man.

Being a daddy is a big responsibility.

I know that, man.

Look, you're gonna have responsibility, too, washington headskin.

Oh, all right. Watch it, man!

Hey, cole, what you laughing at?

You got some responsibilities, too, man.

No, I don't know about that, martin.

Now, if changing a baby is anything

Like changing the oil on a pacer,

I don't want nothing to do with it!

Cole, don't worry about it, man.

You see, the godfather is the one

That has all the responsibilities of a baby.

Ain't that right, martin?

It ain't gonna be you,

'Cause you ain't got no job.

Hey, man, it's part of being a responsible individual--

Hey, hey! Come on, y'all! Hey!

You're arguin' and all that?

Look, both of you are gonna be the godfathers, man.

I worked it out that way.

You worked it out?

Yeah!

Ha ha! I am honored, man!

Me, too.

Anything you need, you can count on me, man. Just ask.

I know I can, tommy.

Word up! Word up! Now, as godfather,

Who do you want me to knock off first?

Cole...

Let me tell you...

I want you to start with yourself, cole.

[Imitating marlon brando] let me tell ya...

Cool!

Before I can do that, though,

I'm gonna have to go home and get moms. I left her in the tub, man.

She's probably a prune by now.

Cole, have a cigar, shut the hell up.

Ok.

First I'm gonna show my little man around the basketball court,

Show him some old jordan moves.

Sla-dang! Oh!

Then I'm gonna show him his way around the honeys.

[Keys jingle]

Hey, babe. Hi.

You all right? How's the baby?

I'm fine, martin.

All right. Now, gina, look, you got to relax.

Now, baby, remember, you're walking for now.

Martin, I'm--

Baby, I'm ok. Please. It's--

Oh!

Damn, gina. Did I break your water?

Oh.

What is this?

That's for our son, little mini mart.

Our son?

Yeah.

Martin, she could be a daughter.

Oh, no, no, gina. I don't think so.

Because, see, mama had said--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.

Martin, I know you didn't tell your mother.

You know that woman don't like me.

No, no, no, gina.

Look, mama was very concerned.

She said, now, if the baby has your head,

She's afraid they're gonna have to take it out

Like they did in <span tts:fontstyle="italic">alien.</Span>

She don't want you to have to go through that, gina.

I'm saying that's what mama's saying.

Didn't I tell you not to tell anybody, martin?

I told you not to tell anybody, baby.

Ok, gina, besides mama,

I'm telling you, I didn't tell anybody else.

Hey, dawg! Hey, girl!

Look at you

With your pregnant self.

Girl, you are glowin'.

I'm not--

Oh, my friend, I'm so happy.

Martin!

All right.

I told tommy.

But I damn sure didn't tell uncle pam.

Gina, how are you gonna <span tts:fontstyle="italic">have</span>a baby

When you still taking care of one?

Ugh.

Now, how are you gonna get all up in my face

With your breath smellin' like -year-old cabbage?

Get out of my face. Hey.

Just get out of my way.

Hey, gina, you know, I got you a baby gift,

But they're wrapping it down at my job.

Your job, tommy?

Yeah, yeah, my job.

In other words, we ain't got no gift, man.

Look, gina, I got you a real gift.

See? <Span tts:fontstyle="italic">names from</span> <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> the motherland.</Span>

Look, if it's a boy, you name him...

Ajewokametima.

That's nice, right?

Oh, look, look, look. If it's a girl,

You name her floatasia.

Floatasia.

That is really nice. What you think?

I think martin talks too much.

Martin, who else did you tell?

All right, all right.

Besides mama and the people in this room, gina,

I swear to you, I ain't tell nobody else.

[Imitating marlon brando] martino...

Gino.

Where's the bambino?

Gonna make the kid an offer he can't refuse.

Man, you gonna get that stinkin' hand out of my face, man.

Cole, who the hell are you supposed to be?

The godfather, gina.

Hey, look, look. Check it.

Just call me don corleone.

Corleone.

They need to call you <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> dumb</span>corleone.

Corleone.

You know what, tommy? I know how to be the godfather, all right?

I watched the movie.

Hey. Ain't gonna be no arguin' in front of the mom-to-be.

Ain't gonna be none of that, ok?

They say that kind of thing affects the baby.

Oh, god. Well, that explains it, then.

I guess when your mother was pregnant with you,

She was watching <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> the incredible shrinking man.</Span>

That was a good one. You worked on that, huh?

And I guess when your mama had you,

She must have been watching

<Span tts:fontstyle="italic">the adventures</span> <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> of rin tin tin.</Span>

Awoo!

You know what? I don't even know why all of you guys are tripping.

I don't even know if I'm really pregnant or not.

Gina, what are you talking about?

Of course you're pregnant.

Look at that bulge, girl. You're already showing.

Get away from me, pam. Go!

Go on. Get lost.

Baby, now, I thought you already took care of that, baby.

No, baby. He couldn't fit me in till next week.

What do you mean, fit you in next week?

Gina, I can't wait that long.

I got to know now, baby.

Well, why don't y'all take a home pregnancy test?

Now you thinking, dome, th*gs, and harmony.

Baby, I'm running down to the pharmacy

And get a test, all right?

Oh, no, no, no. No need for that.

I have one right here in my purse.

What?

You carry a home pregnancy test in your purse?

Well, you never know when you might need one.

I mean, when a friend might need one.

Ohh.

Stanks a lot, pam.

All right, baby. Here you go.

Gina, why don't you go ahead and take the test? We'll wait.

Man, she ain't gonna take the test with y'all watching,

So y'all got to step, man.

Come on, man. We're family.

Yeah, you family, but y'all gotta roll up out of here. Step.

All right. All right. Look, gina,

Let me know how it turns out.

All right. That's my little--

Come on, girl. Stop.

All right. Good luck with the test, gina.

Yeah. Good luck, girl. And, uh...

May your first child...

Be a masculine child.

What is wrong with them?

Baby, I'm really nervous.

Gina, I'm nervous, too, but what do you want me to do?

Nothing. Just wait out here. This only takes a minute.

Ok, baby, look, I'm gonna be out here

Chillin' in the cud, all right?

Ok.

All right. Whoo!

Yeah. Gonna have a little doo-wop.

Whoo! Marty boy. Yeah.

This is where it all started right here. Yeah.

You all right, baby?

I'm ok.

All right. Good. Good.

Ahh. Whoo. Gotta be a sarge.

Gotta be in shape for the baby.

Gina, how's it coming?

Well, I'm adding the activator.

Come on, gina. Baby, your hair looks just fine.

Gina, get back to the test.

I'm almost done.

You done?

No, I said I'm almost--

[Glass breaks]

Martin! You broke it!

Aw, damn.

My bad, gina.

Baby, the test broke before I could tell

Whether I was pregnant or not.

Ok, baby. Calm down, ok? Maybe we can still read it.

Now, what does the colors mean?

Um...blue means I'm pregnant.

White means I'm not.

Ok. Well, what does yellow mean?

It means we got to clean up the floor.

Gina!

Well, martin, I had trouble going in that little cup.

Look, let's just get another test tomorrow, ok?

Gina, we gonna settle this tonight.

Now, I'm gonna go down to the corner pharmacy and get another test.

Baby, please be careful.

You know some strange people

Hang out there this time of night.

Gina, don't worry about me. I'll be all right.

Now, you just stay here and...

Practice on your aim, ok?

Excuse me, chief.

Excuse me, sir,

But where do you keep--

Don't tell me.

People only come in at this time of night for reasons--

Either they're trying to get up in something

Or something got up in them.

Condoms to the left.

Ointments to the right.

Naw, naw, you got it all wrong, ok?

I ain't here for none of that.

All right? I'm here to pick up a home pregnancy test.

A home pregnancy test?

Yeah.

Don't you know you're supposed to cover your checks

Before you cash them in?

Never mind. I'll find it myself.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Oh.

Damn.

This pregnancy test so old,

Got a picture of harriet tubman on it, man.

Excuse me, sir. You all out of tests.

Oh, yeah. Soon as they come in,

Some girl buys them all up.

Wait a minute.

Face look like a big toe?

Teeth look like the yellow brick road?

That's pam.

Try one over there on the back shelf.

Right back there?

Right over there.

Ain't this a b*tch?!

Oh, let me see.

Gotta take a price check.

Look here. Look here, man.

You walk any slower, you're gonna be walking backwards.

Let me help you with that.

"Calamine lotion, $.."

Nuh-uh. That costs too much.

Ain't you got something else? 'Cause I got this rash.

Look here, lady. This ain't no free clinic.

I don't know if a free clinic could do nothing about this.

Whoa!

Ohh!

Now, lady, you didn't have to show me that.

What do you think I should do about it?

Whatever that is, you need to take out in the field and sh**t it,

Put it to sleep.

Ain't no ointment gonna help that.

Hey, excuse me, miss gerri.

You can't come in line, just butting in front of me.

You got out of line, sucker.

If'n you don't move your feet,

You lose your seat.

Naw, I've been over here too long, ok?

You gonna move out--

Boy, if you don't take your hands off of me,

I'll knock you into next year.

You--

Gimme that back!

What the h...

Miss gerri, you buying condoms?

I ain't too old to get my freak on.

See ya later, big papa.

Who's next?

Here, mister. I'm out of here.

Here. Here's your money, man.

Not so fast, young fella.

Don't you be throwing money at me.

Now, you look here, grady...

You done wasted enough of my time. I'm out of here.

You're gonna give me my respect,

Or I'll beat you like I did jersey joe walcott back in '.

No, no, no. Don't do that, man. What's wrong with you?

Come back here, you!

Martin, is everything ok?

Looks like you ran all the way home.

Gina, I'm all right, but look here, baby.

If this old man comes up here looking for me,

You don't know me. You ain't never seen me.

Stop playing. Give me the test.

Ok. Let's see.

Martin--

Look, I want you to stay out here.

Out here, ok?

Till I tell you that I'm done.

Ok, fine, gina, baby.

Just go in there and handle your business.

Dang. Y'all get so tense early in the pregnancy.

♪ Da da da da da-da-da-da ♪

Get away from the door!

My bad. Just wanted to hear

If it was a boy or a girl, gina. That's all.

Right now, it's not sounding like anything

Because I think I used up everything I had on the last test.

What? Well, hold on, gina.

Here. Try this.

Root beer?

You know I don't like root beer.

Gina, it's not for you. It's for the baby. Come on.

All right.

Get on with it. I got to know, baby.

Let me know what's happening.

[Gulping]

[Belches]

I smelt that out here, gina.

Shut up!

Baby, how's it coming?

Um...really good right now.

Wait. Wait a minute, baby.

Something's happening.

Yeah? Well, talk to me, gina.

Is you or is you ain't?

Ok. Wait. Let me--

Just let me get braced for it, ok?

I ain't.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh, baby. You're so good to me,

But I'm not eating for anymore.

Yeah, I know, gina. I know.

But, hey, ain't no reason why both of us gotta starve.

Martin, are you a little disappointed

About not being a daddy?

Yeah, yeah, I'm a little disappointed,

But, hey, I still got you, you know?

We got our whole lives to have kids.

I'm sure it will happen when god's ready for it to happen.

Yeah.

You know, I have to admit something, martin.

Everything was happening so fast, you know,

I was a little nervous

About becoming a mother.

No. You don't have to be nervous, baby.

You're going to be a great mother.

Yeah. Just wonderful.

Think so?

Yeah, I know so.

I love you.

I love you.

Gina, I just wish you wouldn't have went around telling everybody.

What? I didn't tell anybody, martin.

That was you.

No, gina. Come on.

You know that telling me is like telling everybody.

Now give me luscious.

You are silly.

Give me luscious.

I didn't tell no one.

Yes, you did. You told everybody.

No, I didn't.

♪ La la la la ♪

Yeah, I know I can sing.

Y'all wanna hear me sing?

Audience: yeah.

Don't you want to hear me sing?

Y'all don't sound like you want to hear me sing. Y'all sound bored. "Yeah."

[Audience applauds and cheers]

No, no, no. Can't do it. Can't do it!

Don't have a voice now.

I wanted to sing some harmonizing [bleep] for you.

Next time, next time, baby.

I could rap.

To myself.

Go on, man. I'm ready.