05x06 - Banging Hard in the School Yard

[bunniefuu]

All right. If you would like a transcript of the show,

It will be posted up at the end of the show.

And, uh, please remember, join us next week,

Where chihuahuas take over hollywood.

It's a very funny episode. I think you'll enjoy it.

All right, today on <span tts:fontstyle="italic">word on the street,</span>

We're talking with women...

[Chuckles]

Who--who have men jobs.

That's where you're wrong, martin.

There's no such thing as a man's job.

So what you trying to say, roto-hooter,

That women could lay as much pipe as a man?

Mo'. Mo', baby, mo'.

Mo'? Mo'!

Mo'?

And, plus, we look better doing it.

Well, I'll admit, baby got a little <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> backdraft.</Span>

But, fellas, tell the truth.

Come on, be honest with yourselves.

If you was in a real fire, who would you want to rescue you?

A pretty little young thang?

A little young tenders?

Or do you want a real fireman to rescue you?

Man: a real fireman!

Why can't you accept the fact

That a woman can do anything a man can do?

'Cause it ain't true!

Now get out of my face, sister soldier!

Sister soldier?

Step! Get out of my face!

Get out of my face!

This is martin payne for <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> word on the street</span>saying,

"It's a man's world!"

You better recognize!

Get out of my face!

Get out of my face! Get out! Get out!

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Martin: hey.

Gina: hey, you.

Look at my boo.

Looking just as fine as you wanna be.

How are you?

Mmm. Whazzup?

What's up, honey? How was your day?

Aw, baby, I was working hard.

Yeah?

Yeah, and I'm hungrier than a mother, gina.

Me, too. So what you fixing?

Me?

Yeah, you.

From what I hear, a woman can't do anything as good as a man,

So I figured you'd get your butt in the kitchen and cook.

Oh, I get it, gina.

Apparently, you done saw the show, gina.

Come on, baby, all right, now. That's real funny, ok?

All right? Now where's my eats?

Ha ha ha.

You want your eats, you better use your feets.

Oh, come on, gina. Baby, you can't get mad at what I said.

It's show business, baby.

So then you really don't believe

That a man can do a better job than a woman?

Gina, baby, listen to me.

Listen to me good, ok?

I didn't make the rules.

If you got beef, take it up with mother nature, baby.

Mother nature.

Mother nature? Yeah.

Mother nature. So then we do agree that nature was made by a woman?

I'll give you that. But she works for god,

And everybody knows he's the man.

Everybody know that, gina.

I'm saying ain't nobody going to argue that.

No, no, no. Martin, this is ridiculous.

Women are just as good as men in politics, medicine, law, sports--

Sports?

Did you say-- don't you talk none--

Sports?

Now, gina, somebody done told you wrong.

Look, there ain't no woman that could beat a man at any sport,

Not any sport that I know of.

Oh, really? Really?

Then, um, I would like to see you beat dominique dawes in the balance beam.

Nah. No, thanks, ok?

No, baby. Men don't balance beam.

Mm-hmm.

Come on. One wrong move, ba-bow.

We singing like philip bailey.

♪ Reasons ♪

♪ The reasons that we here ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

All right, martin. All right, martin.

All right.

Then what about, um, basketball? That's a good sport.

Basketball? Yeah.

Are you--

Are you seri--

What?

Gina, look at my style, gina. Look at my style.

Ok? Look at my style, gina. Are you serious?

Huh?

Picture that, baby.

Some woman beating old marty-mart in a game of ball.

Baby, uh-uh. Don't do that to yourself.

Ok, then why don't we play each other, martin?

Let's--let's do that. Your team against mine.

How about that?

No. What? What?

Would you stop it?

You are k*lling me. Are you serious?

Yes, I am serious, martin.

Baby, my jump shot is like that.

Martin, I'm serious.

And just to make it a little bit more interesting, ba-by...

Uh-huh? Why don't we do this?

The loser has to wait on the winner,

Hand and foot, for a month.

That's how serious I am with mine.

All right, gina. It's on, ok?

You know, because I can't wait to be treated like a king.

Baby, get in there and run my bathwater.

And remember,

I like lots and lots of bubbles. Bubble it up.

Whazzup, y'all?

Barber: what's up?

Martin: hey, what's happening?

What's up, marty-mart?

Barber: hey, hey, martin. Look here.

I saw your show this afternoon, man. I got to tell you.

For all the men in america,

Thank you, my brother.

Yes, 'cause youse the man. Youse the man.

I appreciate that, you know?

All I did was tell it like it is.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

But I'm going to tell you something.

You wasn't lying about women getting men's jobs.

You know, I hired a female barber once.

I told her she couldn't cut hair. She turned around and cut me.

That's right!

Uh, that reminds me.

You'd better get that restraining order renewed.

Look out there.

Hey, martin, check this out, man.

After I seen your show today, I went home and told moms,

"Hey, I'm not greasing this scalp no more."

Got me getting sick over some sulfur-aid? No.

You know what I'm saying? That's womans' work.

You know, that's funny,

'Cause I didn't even know you was going through that.

Man, putting a brother through it, you know?

So what did she do?

Oh, she whupped my a*s.

Hey, hey, hey! But I got my point across.

And I'm proud of you, too, cole.

I want you to know that.

Hey, you know, the question is, martin,

How's gina taking all this?

Tommy, trip this.

What?

It make me laugh when I think about it, but--

What's so funny?

All right, all right, trip this.

Gina and her girls...

Right.

Had the nerve, right,

To challenge old marty-mart at a game of basketball.

Oh, no.

You know what I'm saying?

Wants to play marty-mart here.

No, no, no. Let me get this straight.

Gina and her girls is challenging you and your boys

To a game of basketball?

That's what I'm saying to you.

Looky here. Let me get a piece of that action.

Me, too. I got $. On it.

Barber: you got five?

Hold on. Martin, who's on your team?

Tommy, it don't matter.

Man, I could play with the sorriest players in the world on my team,

And we'd still win.

So, you and cole playing?

Ok, let me get this straight.

The kiss pass to the hug,

Then the hug pass to the kiss.

No, they're on different teams.

This don't make no sense.

Pam! Come on, this is really hard!

All right.

So, what do you think about our uniforms?

That's not a uniform.

That's a hootchy-form. Don't let martin see you.

I like this.

Whoa.

Whazzup, pam?

Whazzup? What you think of our uniforms?

Who you trying out for, the new york stankees?

Why don't you go bungee jump off a curb, shortland trail blazer?

All right, all right, y'all save that for the court.

Save it for the court, pam!

Whatever. Whatever.

All right, y'all. Save it.

All right, gina, I'll make it easy on you.

If you back out now,

I'll only make you wait on me for two weeks.

Oh, no, no. A bet's a bet,

Unless it's you that wants to back out.

Sound like somebody a little chicken.

I smell some chicken, too.

[Both cackle like chickens]

All right, gina. All right, gina.

I was going to go easy on you,

But now I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.

Baby, let's double the bet. Make it two months.

Oh, I see your two, and I raise you two more.

All right?

Oh. Ok, fine.

All right, that's cool and all.

But all I want to know is how, uh, you and pam cassell

Going to stop marty-mart's all-stars?

Huh? How you going to do that?

How you going to do that, huh? In your face.

He thinks we're playing. Does he think we're playing?

We're not playing. No.

I'm not playing, either.

No, no. We're not playing in the game.

Coaching. We're coaching. We're the coaching staff.

[Knock on door]

Wait a minute. Who's on your team?

[Imitates drumroll]

Martin, I would like to introduce to you

The u.s.a. Women's olympic basketball team.

Yes, darling.

Dawn, rebecca...

Dawn in the house, that's right.

Rebecca in the house.

Sheryl in the house.

Teresa!

[Gina and pam laugh]

What you going to do now, runtystiltskin?

Uh...

Well, let-- let the games begin! Let the games begin.

Gina and pam: we on. We on.

We gonna win.

We gonna win, win, win, win, win.

I want lots of bubbles.

Gina went and got the women's olympic basketball team.

How the hell she know them?

Look, tommy, they're her clients, man.

I can't believe gina would stoop that low to win a game, man.

She playin' me, y'all.

Yeah, but, martin, man, you said

That can't no woman beat a man at any sport. So what's the problem?

There ain't no problem, cole.

The only problem is we got to come up with a game plan.

Yo, tommy.

We may actually have to break a sweat with these girls, man.

Damn it, man. We ain't going to get clowned.

We got to come up with a strategy.

I got the strategy.

Cool. What is it?

Martin, you get up on my shoulders, right,

And we be, like, as tall as them.

That'll work.

Cole, at least if I got on your shoulders,

You'd have a brain.

You know what I mean? You'd have a thinking process there.

Double. It'd be like two.

That was your damn strategy?

We going to lose, man! We losing.

Tommy, now stop it, ok?

Would you stop panicking, man? All right?

Now, all we got to do is get some brothers that can play.

Martin, I can play ball, man. Trust me.

Dodge ball, kick ball-- ba*ls is me. I am ba*ls.

Cole, you's about to catch a flagrant foul, man.

Which flagrance you talking about, like, that ck one?

That's the b*mb right there.

Hey. That's <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> fragrant,</span>fool.

That's it, martin. I'm serious. I quit. Call the game off.

I'm done. Call it off!

I'm not calling no game off, ok?

Damn that! I'm not calling no game off.

I didn't want to have to flex,

But it looks like I'm going to have to call the man.

Don't-- don't do that!

Don't do that, man.

Every time something go wrong,

People always want to call the man.

The brothers can handle this one.

No, no, cole.

I ain't talking about the other man.

I'm talking about the brother man.

♪ I wanna be, I wanna be like mike ♪

I'm calling michael jordan, man.

Man, please! Mike ain't going to take your call.

That's where you're wrong...

Domer simpson.

You must don't know my middle name.

It's tropicana.

What the hell that mean?

It means I got juice.

Hello, nike? Yeah, let me speak to mikey.

Cool. I'll hold.

Cool. I'll hold.

They don't know what time it is.

Gina: whoo! Come on, girl!

Looking good. Looking good. Let's go.

Gina: rebecca, let's see it.

Whoo!

Damn, did you see that, man? They taller than I thought.

Well, because on tv, they like--they like this big, you know?

It don't matter, man. All right? We going to beat them anyway.

They girls. You know what I mean?

That's right.

All right.

Big mike and them get here yet?

Hey, man, don't sweat that.

Don't worry. I got all-american coming.

Yeah? All right. Good.

Because we going to need somebody to pass the ball to

With all the scoring me and mike going to be doing.

Hey, I think I see him coming right now.

Michael jordan here? Michael jordan here, y'all.

Not exactly michael jordan. I got a ringer, though.

Air gordon.

Come on, man. Come on.

Come on, man, hurry up.

Aw...

Who the hell did you play for, man?

The frederick douglass all-stars?

Look here, young fella.

I was an mvp in the final four.

Of course, there were only four colleges back then.

[Ref blows whistle]

Team: beat the men!

Watch it.

Damn! Damn!

Whazzup, huh? Whazzup, huh?

All y'all should call me daddy. Call me daddy.

I should be the one with the gold medal, huh? Whazzup?

You know, I would give you mine,

But I doubt that little neck could hold it up. Let's go.

Tommy: come on, girl. I let you go in.

That was you. No, it wasn't me.

Tommy: ok, you left the man open there.

I had to carry both of 'em. She ain't a man.

Pam: come on, girl!

Gina: let's go, let's go! Ok, yes! Yes!

Martin: time out! Time out!

Time out, man!

Time out. Time out.

Martin, martin, for my first meal, I'd like a rack of lamb,

And please don't forget the horseradish.

Don't forget the horseradish!

Why you telling me, gina?

You can get the radish from the horse you're standing next to.

All right, this ain't no boxing match! Come on!

All right, so, look, man.

Check this out, man, all right?

We can win if y'all stop playing like girls.

I wish we could play like girls. They k*lling us.

Martin, I'm thirsty, man. I need some soda.

Tommy, man, we ain't got no soda.

That's cool. I got some at home. I'll see y'all later.

No, tommy. Look, the game ain't over yet, moses madome.

Ooh.

Ooh.

I love you.

Oh, you do?

Then tell me what's the next play going to be,

Short, thick, and handsome?

Hee hee hee. M-martin's going to,

Um, sh**t the jumper off tommy's pick.

Sheryl: aah!

[Ref blows whistle]

You didn't have to yell at him like that.

Gina: yeah!

Cole: whoo!

You all right, man? Whoo!

Ok, you ok?

What happened?

It was almost like she knew the play.

Boy. I'll tell you, look at that, boy.

She made me tell her, martin.

I mean, she was rubbing like this here, you know?

Cole, you a sellout, man.

Sit your a*s down. You a sellout!

Yo, nip! You in, man.

Well, all right.

Martin: let's go.

Man: play the game, man. Let's go.

Come on, big daddy, give me the ball.

I ain't got no ball.

What's that under your shirt, baby?

[Ref blows whistle]

Pam: come on, nip.

Gina: yeah!

Time out! Time out!

[Ref blows whistle]

What was that? You come in, you pass the ball.

This ain't hot wings.

Nipsey, you're out. Air gordon, you're in. Let's go, man.

Air gordon, you're out.

Out, out! Cole, you're back in.

Tommy: sh**t it! sh**t it!

Nipsey: free throw. Free throw.

Yeah! Uh-huh!

Come on, cole. Got it. Got it. Play one! Play one!

Oh! Oh!

[Ref blows whistle]

Foul! Foul!

Martin.

Martin, get up!

What are you talking about?

Martin, she was five feet away from you!

Foul! Ouch! Ow!

Gina: you really need to stop.

Respect my call. Respect my call.

I didn't touch you.

Please. Hey, ralph. You saw that, didn't you?

Man, I ain't seen nothing.

Then maybe you need thicker glasses, man.

Martin, you need to stop whining and play some ball.

[Whistle blows]

♪ They're playin' basketball ♪

♪ We love that basketball ♪

♪ They're playin' basketball ♪

♪ We love that basketball ♪

♪ They're playin' basketball ♪

♪ We love that basketball ♪

♪ They're playin' basketball ♪

♪ We love that basketball ♪

♪ They're playin'-- ♪

[Ref blows whistle]

Time out! Ok, time out!

You got to call the picks!

Time out. Hey, we ain't going out like that, right, y'all?

Just-- just follow my lead.

Ow!

My knee!

My knee!

My knee. I'm hurting.

Oh, my shoulder!

Oh! My knee!

What's wrong with y'all?

Cancel the game. Cancel the game. I'm hurting.

I'm not hurting. What y'all talking about?

Ow! Ow!

Pam: stop!

My leg is infected!

Gina: we won! You forfeit. We win! They forfeit. I win!

Martin: ow.

Ow!

Martin, you can stop faking now. Nobody's watching.

Cool. Cool. I'm feeling a little better now, gina.

Whatever, martin. All I know, is it's time to pay up.

And to start, I'd like a nice cool glass of orange juice

With a little ice in it, all right?

Couple little rocks in there, 'cause the winner's thirsty!

Gina? Get up!

Gina, please, all right?

I don't recognize no winners up in here.

Aah!

Say what? No, no, no. Just get over it, martin.

You lost. You're a loser.

No, gina. Gina, ok, the game was to , all right?

Y'all only scored points.

Technically, there was no winners, baby.

Oh, so I could just call the girls--

No, no, no. I've got to give my shoulder time--

I thought it was your knee.

It is the knee, baby. It's a-spreadin'. It's--aah, aah!

It's a spreading pain.

Whatever, martin.

Now I got cramps! Aah!

Whatever, martin. You just didn't want to pay up!

That's not fair!

Tommy: I had to make it look real. I didn't--

Damn, tommy!

Whose team you on?

Tommy: I had to make it look good.