07x05 - One Flew Over the Empty Nest

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

I'm just so excited
about moving on campus!

I mean, a new dorm, new friends,
freedom.

Dad, my future begins today.

[CHUCKLES] You know,
this is ripping her heart out.

ANGELA: Oh...

Sam's little baseball cap.

She wore it the first day
you walked in our house

with the bill turned sideways.
You remember, Tony?

Yeah, I remember.

She wasn't wearing a hat.
This is Jonathan's.

Yeah. Oh...

Sam's little red sweatshirt.

She wore this the day
she left for camp.

Remember how she cried
when the bus pulled away?

It was a T-shirt, it was blue.
And I was crying.

-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, but--

but hold on to those memories,
Angela.

Tony, Tony,
if--if you feel like crying now,

-this shoulder's for you.
-[CHUCKLES]

Well, thanks for the offer,
Angela,

but I'm--
I'm not going to cry, yeah?

I'm-- I'm okay
with Sam moving out.

Yeah? And I'm the singing Nun.

-[CHUCKLES]
-[SIGHS]

No, no, I'm serious.
I've had 17 years

to prepare for this day.
I'm not gonna make a scene.

And besides, she's only going
to be two miles away.

Hmm. Two miles, 2,000 miles,
Tony, face it,

once she is gone from the house,
she is gone from the house.

Gone forever.

[SOBS]

[SIGHS] Oh. Come on, guys.

You promised
this wasn't gonna happen.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Just such a big moment,
you going away to college.

I want to remember
exactly how you look

and what you're wearing.

-These little rayon shorts.
-They're cotton.

-It won't matter.
-[CHUCKLES]

I'm going to get a camera.

Well, this is it.

Yeah, this is it. [CHUCKLES]

But, hey, I mean, it--

it's not like we're never going
to see you again.

I mean, after all,

you're only gonna be
a lousy two miles away.

[SNIFFLES]

-Are you crying?
-No, of course, I'm not crying.

It's allergies.

It's hay fever. [INHALES]

Get out of here, you crazy kid.
[CHUCKLES]

[MONA CRYING HYSTERICALLY]

Well...

you ready?

Yeah.

-Nervous?
-No. Well, maybe a little.

I just wish I wasn't moving in
a month after everybody else.

Well, hey, just remember,

if you-- if you get tired
of living there,

your room will always be here.
[CHUCKLES]

Excuse me.

A little tight.
Might have to move that window.

What are you doing?

Opening soon,
Jonathan's love shack.

-The loneliest room in town.
-[CHUCKLES]

Here you go, Casanova.
[CHUCKLES]

Well...

goodbye, room.

Goodbye, Sam.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you,
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ Around the bend ♪

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

-Oh! Oh-oh. Sam, huh, huh?
-[GASPS, CHUCKLES]

Your new home, Sam.
What do you think?

-h*-h*!
-SAM: This is so cool.

TONY: Isn't it great?

Whoa, Sam. Imagine.

Imagine, how many great minds
have sat at that very desk, huh?

Uh, lawyers, judges, scientists.

"Motley Crue rules." [GROANS]

Okay, so one moron.

-I'll get the rest of the stuff.
-[CHUCKLES]

Oh, hi. Melinda? I am Samantha,
your new roommate.

Oh, no!

[SIGHS] I mean,
"Oh, no, you're not Jill."

Jill?

My best friend. She was supposed
to be my new roommate.

It's not fair.
Why do these things

always happen to me?

Well, it's kind of happening
to me, too. [CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry. Welcome to my room.
I mean our room.

We'll have fun.

Great. Let's--Let's start over.
[CHUCKLES]

Good idea.

I'll show you
where to put those.

Okay.

This is your half.

♪ For Jill's
A jolly good roommate ♪

♪ For Jill's-- ♪

You're not Jill.

She got the room instead of her.

[BOTH GROAN]

-Great. Rejected in stereo.
-[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Sam, great news.
Great news.

You're not the only new kid
movin' in.

There's a big cake
down in the lobby

that says, "Welcome, Jill."
[LAUGHS]

Tony from Biology?

Hey, Melinda!
Excuse me. Excuse me.

I-- I--I didn't recognize you
without your lab goggles.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You guys! This is Tony Micelli!

You know, the guy that liberated
the monkeys from the lab?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, that's me,
campus legend,

-friend of the apes. [EXCLAIMS]
-[ALL LAUGH]

So what are you doing here,
Tony?

I'm helping Sam move in.
She's my daughter.

Why didn't you say so?

-This is great.
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

Hey, you guys!

Star Trek marathon.
It's in the South lounge.

-Come, on!
-Oh, why don't you two come?

Oh, I'd love to, you know?
I hope they show that one

with the Klingons
take out Spock's brain,

-you know?
-[MELINDA LAUGHING]

-I--I bet that hurts. [LAUGHS]
-[LAUGHS]

Oh, but I--but I better not.
I, uh, got to get home.

I--I have to make dinner
for the g*ng. [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

I'll see you in the lounge,
roomie. Bye, Tony.

-Bye, Melinda. [CHUCKLES]
-[SAM GASPS]

-Hey.
-Thanks, Dad.

You know, I-- I--I never
thought I'd say this,

but I'm kinda glad you're--
you're on the same campus.

Sorry, I don't speak
to freshmen. [SCOFFS]

Oh, Andy,

You are as amazing
in the kitchen

-as in the operating room.
-Oh, well, thank you.

There's one difference, though,
when you take out a gall bladder

-you don't use a spatula.
-[LAUGHS]

That's very funny! Ooh, I think
your patient is boiling over.

-Is there anything I can do?
-You can scratch my nose.

-Okay. Anything else?
-Yeah. You can kiss the cook.

[SLURPING]

[EXHALES]

Hello, Mother.

Oh, go on. Go on.

Kissy, kissy. [SMOOCHES]
Kissy... [SMOOCHES]

Mother,
not everyone likes an audience.

Not everyone deserves one.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

♪ Wait a moment
wait a moment ♪

Hey, Mona, Mona.
Hey, big family dinner tonight.

I'm making Rigatoni a la Tony.
[CHUCKLES] You in?

-No. I'm going out for Italian.
-Oh! [CHUCKLES]

[HORN HONKING]

-That's him now. [CHUCKLES]
-[CHUCKLES]

Hey, well, it's your loss,
because, you know, nobody make--

[SNIFFS] What a minute. [SNIFFS]

Wh--Wh--What is that?
[SNIFFS]

Linguine Alle Vongole.
[SNIFFS]

White clam sauce. [SNIFFS]
No, no, no.

Red, red with a pinch
too much garlic. Who's cooking?

It's not Julia Child.

[LAUGHS] Tony, hi!

Gosh, I didn't think
you'd be home so early.

Apparently not.

-We're making
Linguini Vonyolle.
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

Vonyolle.

Well, at least he got
the Linguini part right.
[CHUCKLES]

You know,
it's for the Harringtons'
potluck dinner tonight.

TONY: Oh, yeah, that's right.
It's tonight.

I gotta tell you something,
Tony.

I've really enjoyed cooking
in your kitchen.

I mean, everything is exactly
where it should be.

Yeah, except this.

My imported Italian spoon
given to me my grandmother.

God rest her soul!

Oh. Well, I guess
I shouldn't have used it

-to snake the drain.
-[TONY GASPS]

[CHUCKLES] He's kidding.
He's kidding.

Andy, I think you better take
that stuff out to the car.

-Thanks again, Tone.
-[SCOFFS] Don't mention it, And.

[CHUCKLES] Yes, uh. So, uh,
how was Sam and the dorm

-and everything?
-Oh, she's great!

She's thrilled, you know?
She's made a lot of new friends.

Uh, she's got
a hand-carved desk. [CHUCKLES]

What?

Good, good. Well, that--that--
that--that's good.

So, you okay?

Me? Oh, yeah. Never better.
Never better. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, Tony, listen,
why don't you come with us

to the Harringtons'?

Angela, come on now.
Stop worrying about me.

I'm actually looking forward
to having some time alone,

you know? And besides...

it's not enough,
but that Harrington dog

-is a little too fond of me.
-[GASPS]

Oh! [CHUCKLES] All right.

-Okay, if you're sure. Bye-bye.
-Yeah.

-Okay, bye. Have a good time.
-You too.

Let's see
what's on the old TV here.

Uh-huh.

BOYS: [OVER TV]
♪ It's the story ♪

-♪ Of a man named Brady-- ♪
-♪ Of a man named Brady-- ♪

No, no.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: [OVER TV] Lonely?
Want to make some friends?

Call 5-5-5-P-R-T-Y.
That's 5-5-5-P-R-T-Y.

If you've got a phone
and a finger,

you'll never be alone.

[PHONE RINGING]

[CHUCKLES] They're calling me.

Hello. Oh. [CHUCKLES] Hiya, Sam.
How you doing?

Ye--Yeah, in fact,
your lamp is here.

Oh, you do? Well, yeah,
I'll bring it down, you know,

whenever I get a chance.
[CHUCKLES]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-I'll get it.
-[GIRLS CHUCKLE]

-Dad!
-Not just Dad, Dad light.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, hey, hey, whoa!
They can't all be gems.

Dad, I didn't mean you had
to bring it over right away.

Well, I had to drop off
some, uh, books

at the library anyway, Sam, uh.

-Hi, guys. Bye, guys. [CHUCKLES]
-Oh, Tony, wait.

Did you ever have Zicarro
for American history?

Oh, yeah, you mean the guy
who's been putting more people

to sleep than Ether? [CHUCKLES]

I'll give you a little hint.

Uh, don't sweat the textbooks.

Memorize the--
the lecture notes,

because this guy likes history
the way he tells it.

-Gotcha!
-Okay, I'm outta here.

-Hey, Tony.
-Yeah.

-Did you ever have Messenger?
-Oh! Did I have Messenger?

Oh, what a beaut he is!
I'm telling you.

You know, a lot of reading.
Good stories, though.

Good stories.
Um, I'll give you a hint too.

If you have him first period,
do not, I repeat,

do not sit in the first row.
Horrendous morning breath.

-[ALL LAUGH]
-Oh! Hello, Maria.

Tears in your eyes.

BOYS: ♪ ...are the
Moments we two can share... ♪

Oh, God, the Lambdas.

-Isn't there a dweeb curfew?
-[ALL LAUGH]

We got to get rid of them.

Oh, well,
hey, let me handle this.

Give me that.

BOYS: ♪ And if I can't find
My way Back home... ♪

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, boys.

-BOY: Who's that?
-Want to get lucky?

BOY: Oh, must be
that Bulgarian exchange student.

Let's go.

-Men are such pigs.
-[ALL LAUGH]

-Way to go, Olga.
-I don't know him.

-I swear I'm an orphan.
-[TONY LAUGHING]

-Burger run.
-I'm driving.

-MELINDA: Oh, let's go.
-SAM: I'm in.

Hey, Tony,
why don't you join us?

-Oh, I really--
-Oh, come on,

I wanna get
the scoop on my teachers, too.

Oh. oh, okay. I'll go.
What the heck?

-[TONY LAUGHING]
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Tony, after burgers,
we can go bowling.

-Oh! You girls like to bowl?
-Yeah!

-Of course.
-Every Thursday night.

Oh! Olga like to bowl.
[CHUCKLES]

Olga bowls overhand.

-Hey, come on, roomie.
-Okay.

[♪♪♪]

-Oh! Hello, Cathy Co-Ed.
-Hi, Mona!

So, how's life in the dorm?

Oh, it's great.
I love being on my own!

Then what are you doing here?

[CHUCKLES] Well, you know,
you can't get too much

of a good thing, Mona.

You are so young.

Well, tell me
about your first week

-of independence.
-Oh, it's been great.

Uh, Monday night, the twins,
Dad and I saw a movie.

-Mm.
-And then Tuesday night,

the girls and I took Dad
ice skating,

and then last night,
Malinda and I just stayed

home alone and studied.
With Dad.

Well, don't you just
love independence, with Dad?

[CHUCKLES] No, Mona.
It's not like that at all.

-He's been more like a friend.
-Hmm.

In short, I see him more now
than when I lived at home.

But, you know,
he really helped me fit in.

Although, I probably
could have fit in anyway.

But, hey, he can't do
this forever, you know,

he's gonna be graduating soon.

Unless he goes for his Masters.

Or his Doctorate.

Look, I'm really okay with it.
All the girls love his company

-and so do I.
-Good.

Because Dad is going to be here
any minute.

-Dad?
-Yeah.

[CHUCKLES] Look at the time.

I really have to get back
to the dorm.

I don't wanna miss dinner.
Fish sticks tonight. Mmm.

[♪♪♪]

-SAM: Hey, Carol.
-Hey.

Sad news. Machine's busted.

Oh, no.
Did you call maintenance?

[SCREAMS]

I'm sorry, Sam, uh, I stopped by
to pick up my jacket.

The girls asked me
to fix the machine. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Tony, how do you get
an ink spot out of a blouse?

Uh, scissors. [LAUGHS]

No, no, no, no. You know what?

You use hairspray
and a toothbrush.

-The man's a genius.
-[TONY CHUCKLING]

-He can fix anything.
-I'll be through in a minute.

Well, I hope so,
because I will just die

if I can't wear this
sweater tonight.

Yeah. Y-- you see-- you see,

Melinda has a big date
with Michael.

And--And Laurie's going
to a fraternity mixer,

where she's hoping
to run into George.

Which I still think
is a mistake,

but does she listen to me? Hmm.

-Uh, Dad, you know--
-One second, one second, hon.

One second. Uh, okay,
ladies, start your washes.

-Oh, All right.
-Way to go!

-GIRL: I'm gonna get
to the quarters.
-Oh, me too.

Isn't he the greatest?

Oh, yeah. He's a campus legend.

-Uh-oh.
-[SAM SIGHS]

Dad, we've got a problem.

Let me guess,
it has something to do

with me being in your washer?

You are everywhere! Everywhere.
I mean, don't get me wrong.

I'm happy you fixed the washer,

and ice skating
was a lot of fun.

You really knocked 'em dead
at the talent show

with your rendition of
"Have I Stayed Too Long
At The Fair?"

-[CHUCKLES]
-But, Dad...

I stayed too long at the dorm?

[SIGHS] Look, it's not
that I don't appreciate,

you know, how you helped me
when I first got here--

All right, hey, hey, hey,
say no more. Say no more.

The last thing I wanted to do
was crowd you.

[CHUCKLES] Uh,

anyway, there's a--there's a--
there's a big fight

that I want to see, you know,
at--at home.

At home. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, do me a favor.

One last thing.
Keep an eye on Laurie.

She always forgets to empty
that lint trap. [CHUCKLES]

I--I'm going.

Oh, where's Tony?
I've got his jacket.

Oh, he went home. [CHUCKLES]

Aw. Well, I guess
I'll see him tomorrow.

Oh, I don't think so.
He's not gonna be

coming around here as much.

Why not?

Well, I--
I kind of asked him not to.

Aw, Sam.

Look. What would you do
if it was your father?

Shave my head
and join a biker g*ng.

But, uh, he's not my father.
He's Tony. He's cool.

-And he's fun.
-Fun?

Could you call it fun
when--when--when your father

becomes one of your girlfriends?
Guys, this is-- this is not fun.

Well, his life
isn't much fun either.

Especially with Andy
in the picture.

Andy?

Yeah. Tony feels weird
with Andy hanging around Angela.

-[SCOFFS] Angela?
-Mm-hmm.

Besides, it's not easy
coming home to an empty house.

I mean,
even Jonathan's got a life.

-Ski trip and everything.
-Yeah. And Mona...

-Well, Mona's Mona.
-[ALL LAUGHING]

How do you guys
know all these things?

The other night a bunch of us
were sitting around

talking about relationships,

when the candle was passed
to Tony,

he just let it all out.

He's in such pain.

He needs people.

[SIGHS] And you threw him out?

[♪♪♪]

Angela?

Mona?

Jonathan? Andy?

Aunt Bee, Opie, Goober, anybody?

It's okay. It's okay.
Alone is good.

You know, you get
to know yourself better.

So far, I like what I see.

MAN: [OVER TV] From the Garden
for tonight's main event,

Chopper Malone vs.
Eddie "The Doctor" Livingston

for the WBA
welterweight championship.

All right. All right.

Oh, Eddie, looking good.
Oh, way to spit. [LAUGHS]

Uh, I'm talking to the TV.

Now I'm talking to myself
about talking to the TV.

[CHUCKLES] Well,
why not go all the way?

Tony, would you like a sandwich?

Why, I'd love one.
Well, make it yourself.

Why, I ought to... [CHUCKLES]

Excuse me. [CHUCKLES]

So, now where's the bread?

How should I know?
What do I look like, the maid?

[LAUGHS]

Hi!

Oh, hey. Just getting in?

Yeah. Andy and I were gonna have
dinner here tonight.

Oh! Oh, no problem.
I'll just go upstairs

-and watch the fight.
-No. It's okay.

Uh, he canceled.
He had to work late.

So,
can I watch the fight with you?

You want to watch the fight--
Wh-- what are you talking about?

You-You hate boxing.

I-- I do not! I love it.

So, who's punching tonight?

Ten bucks says Livingston's down

before the first
beer commercial.

Yeah. Put your money
where your mouth is, kid.

Wait a minute. What-- what--
Why is everybody

-so into this fight tonight?
-Are you kidding?

We love boxing!

Pugilism, the sweet science,
the canvas Tango. [CHUCKLES]

I just like to see sweaty guys
hitting each other.

Hmm. All right. Come on,
let's watch, then.

-All right.
-[BELL RINGING OVER TV]

-Hi, guys.
-ANGELA: Hi!

What are--
what are you doing here?

You forgot your jacket.

Oh, good!
I didn't miss the fight.

[CHUCKLES]
You want to watch the fight too?

-Wait a minute--
-Oh, no!

-No way!
-Oh! Oh, my God!

They knocked his teeth out.

Oh, Angela, Angela,
that's his mouthpiece.

Ew. Ew. Ew. What-- He--
They're putting it back in

without washing it.

That's the least
of his problems. Sit down, here.

Come on, Eddie, get up.
Come on. buddy. Come back.

Here he comes-- here he--
Whoa! Oh!

Hey, this may be a good fight
after all.

-[LAUGHS]
-Yeah. No empty house here,

huh, lonely guy?

Oh...

I get it.
I knew I smelled a rat.

All right. Which one of you guys
set this up?

Dad, look, I just felt bad
about what happened.

I mean, I--I thought
you were interfering,

Especially when you
showed up in my Maytag.

I just, I didn't realize
that you were...

well, you know,
missing everybody.

So, you--you all got together

because you all
feel sorry for me, huh?

Poor lonely, pathetic Tony.
He don't have a--

he don't have a friend
in the world.

This is just a--a big
take-pity-on-Tony night.

I'll take it. [CHUCKLES]

Who wants chips?

ANGELA: [CHUCKLES]
I'll get the soda.

-MONA: Good. Good.
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

Oh, wasn't this nice of Sam
to set this up for me?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. It was--
It was really great.

Except I, uh, wish I didn't have
to hear from her

what was bothering you.

Tony.

Tony, please,

the next time
that you're hurting,

and every fiber of your being
is crying out in pain...

I want you to tell me.

Tell me! Don't bottle it up!

Okay.

-You're crushing my pinkie.
-Oh! Oh, God, oh.

-Oh, dear. Oh, I'm sorry.
-[GROANS]

I'm sorry. I--

I-- I meant emotional pain,
but a pinkie's a good start.

I guess, uh,
guess Sam moving out

hit me a little bit harder
than I thought it would.

I knew that it would.

It's just like her going off
to camp.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I know. I know.

-I--I cried.
-Yeah.

And then we sat around all night
and we talked about it,

and looked at old snapshots.
And we drank tea.

You felt better, remember?

Yeah, I remember.
It was hot chocolate and slides,

but I did feel better.

But-- You know, anyway,
things are, uh,

you know, different now.
[CHUCKLES]

Well, they're-- they're
not so different

that I can't be here for you.

[CHUCKLES] Sort of
like the song says,

"You'll never walk alone."

You're not gonna sing,
are you?

No, no.

Please...

-Round two!
-Come on, get in!

-Come on.
-All right,
don't knock him out yet.

Don't knock him out yet.
Okay, knock him out.

-[ALL CHUCKLE]
-[CHUCKLE] Aw, hey.

Now, this is what family's
all about, huh?

Warmth, sensitivity,
and compassion. [CHUCKLES]

Whoa!
That time those were his teeth!

[ALL LAUGH]

In a word... love.

[♪♪♪]

Who's the Boss will be back
in a moment. Stick around.

Come, on Eddie, hang on!
Hang on, Eddie!

Hang on, it's almost over!

Angela, don't touch that,
Angela.

-Hang on, Eddie!
-I can't hear the announcer.

-Hang on, Eddie!
-MONA: Oh!

BOYS: [OVER TV]
♪ It's the story... ♪

Would you put it back on,
please? Just put it back on!

MAN: [OVER TV] 5-5-5-party!

Would you give me that?
Give me that!

[CLAMORING OVER TV]

ANNOUNCER: What a punch!
The greatest knockout

in boxing history,
and you saw it.

You'll be able to tell
your grandchildren about it.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]