07x13 - Broadcast Blues

[bunniefuu]

Bower's absolutely flying
down the stairs, friend.

She's picking up speed
on the straightaway.

Look at that form, knees high,
eyes forward, buns tight.

[CHUCKLES] And yes, yes.

The champ
is still a mite sensitive

under scrutiny.

Do you have any idea
of what it's like

to have someone announcing
your every move?

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, if I'm gonna become
the voice of Ridgemont sports,

I gotta practice.

Why the sudden interest
in broadcasting?

Well, because it gets me back
into the game, Mona,

you know what I mean?
Talking with the coaches,

right, right? Calling the games
and mingling with the players

-in the locker room. [CHUCKLES]
-Oh, will you let me know

if they got that drip
in the shower fixed?

See ya. Have a good day.

Oh! Ridgemont! Ridgemont!
Yes, indeed!

-[HUMMING]
-Hi, Patricia?

-h*, h*, h*!
-It's Jonathan Bower.

Bower steps to the plate.

I was wondering if you want
to go out Saturday night?

And there's the pitch.

Great. I'll pick you up at 8:00?

And he connects!
And the crowd goes wild!

[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]

He's still on his feet,
ladies and gentlemen.

He's the wunderkind of walking,
the Stravinsky of strolling,

-The Gretzky of gait--
-Enough already!

Yes, yes. You're right,
you're right.

Anyway, I'm warmed up enough.
Now, Billy, the first thing

you learn in sports
is to size up

-the competition. Okay?
-Excuse me.

-Yeah?
-Is this where you sign up...

[CLEARS THROAT]
...for the sportscaster...

[CLEARS THROAT] ...tryout?

Yeah, yeah, right.
Right over there.

-Ah!
-Right over there. [CHUCKLES]

Do the words "slam dunk"
mean anything to you, Billy?

-No.
-[TONY LAUGHS]

-Hey, guys.
-Hi, Sam.

What are you doing, uh?

Are you-- are you going out
for this?

Yeah. What--
what are you doing here?

Well, I was, uh-- Oh, I came by
to wish you luck.

So, uh, good luck. Come on,
Billy, let's get outta here.

What's this?

An application

and your Tony Micelli
baseball card.

Okay, so I-- I was thinking
about it.

It was just a lock,
I don't wanna be a sportscaster.

Then how come you keep saying,
"He shoots! He scores!"

He sits. He's quiet.
[MUMBLES, CHUCKLES]

Um, all right, so I-- I did--
I did wanna do it,

but now that I know you wanna
do it, I don't wanna do it.

And besides, you're the one
that's into communications.

No, no, Dad,
sports is your life.

You should do this. And besides,
you were here first.

-So I'll-- I'll just leave.
-No, no, Sam, Sam.

If anybody's
gonna make this sacrifice,

and just leave,
it's gotta be me.

Indeed, this man is most giving,
although, it would be best,

miss, if you applied,
most rightfully,

to the cheer-leading squadron.

So, uh, Dad, why should you
be the one to drop out?

Because I'm the father.

Didn't I ever tell you
the story, the mama eagle?

Yeah, she risked her life
flying through a storm,

with her baby on her back.
And then, when they were safe,

she asked the little eaglet,

"Would you do the same thing
for me?"

And the eaglet said, "No,
but I'd do it for my kid."

-See, it's the law of nature.
-[SAM SCOFFING]

And some animals
eat their young.

-So much for the law of nature.
-Yeah, Sam, let me--

Oh, she besmirches your
beautiful parable

and yet she has the face
of a fawn.

I am not here.

And anyway, Dad,
weren't you the one that said,

that if I went to Ridgemont,
we wouldn't be father

and daughter, we'd just be
two students at the same campus?

-Yeah, yeah, but, Sam--
-No. No buts.

We both want this.
We should both go for it.

Unless, of course,
you're afraid I might beat you.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Oh, that's, uh, that's cute,
little Samantha.

-So you'll do it?
-Yeah, sure. I'm in,

I'm in
and may the best Micelli win.

-I will.
-Okay. We'll see.

I-- I was here first.

-Aye! You snooze, you lose.
-[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, my!

You're killin' me here.

How-- how did you--
how did you see that move?

It was the only one
that didn't make you cough.

-Hi, guys.
-Hi, Sam.

Hi, Sam.
You want to play checkers?

Oh, can't, kiddo. I just played
my audition tape for Mona

and I have to go
make some revisions.

Oh, no. Oh, Sam! Sam, uh,
want some help?

You know,
as an ex-pro ballplayer,

I have some
experience with
interviewing athletes.

Oh, no. Thanks, Dad.
I think I'm doing just fine.

Oh, sure you are, honey.
Sure you are.

Hey, listen, let me give you
a tip, anyway.

If you interview
any hockey players,

don't make them use
too many "S" words.

No front teeth, Tham.

Words to live by, Dad,
but I'm almost done.

-How's yours going?
-Oh, great, great.

Got it all mapped out right here
in the old noggin. [CHUCKLES]

Mapped out?
Dad, it's due in two days.

You're throwing this,
aren't you?

Are you kidding me?
You know how competitive I am.

I don't take a dive for no one.

Okay, if I win again,
that makes it 11 in a row.

The kid's a prodigy!

I hate when you do that, Dad.
Don't flake out on me, okay?

I expect you to do your best.

Keep him honest, Angela.

Hey, listen. Let me
tell you something, Samantha,

your father does not flake.
I'm gonna go to work on it

right now, Sam, right now.
As soon as I win back my Jeep.

-Come on, Kiddo--
-Hmm, you're-- you're flaking,

-aren't you?
-No, I'm not flaking.

I'm helping. I-- Listen,
with my experience

I have the edge. I don't want
to destroy Sam's confidence.

What you're doing is undermining
Sam's and Billy's confidence

by not being
C-O-M-P-E-T-I-T-I-V-E.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. I missed
the first 19 or 20 letters.

-[SNORTS]
-Competitive.

Oh, oh, I'm so-- Well, listen,
I just don't think

I have to make these kids' lives
any harder

than they already are.

I mean, as a parent
you should know that.

Well, I do, but I also know
how important it is

that you treat Sam
like an equal.

That's exactly the way
my father treated me.

And if he hadn't, I don't think
I ever would've made it

in a man's world.

He always said,
"Angela, be strong."

He never treated me
like some emotional,

fragile, little girl.

The man was a saint!

Gee, I'd hate to think
I ever did anything

to hold Sam back.
I mean, I want her

to at least be as strong as you.

-Here, blow.
-Thanks.

And I really do have
a k*ller idea for my interview.

That's great, Tony.

You put everything you've got
into that tape.

Now, you're right, Angela.
You're a 100 percent right.

I'm gonna pull out
all the stops.

I'm gonna kick
my daughter's butt!

You're a--
you're a good father, Tony.

You Micelli? Steve Barton,
Ridgemont station manager.

You know, when I think
what you, an ex-pro ballplayer,

can do for our sportscasts...

Thank God I'm young
and my heart is strong.

Oh, oh, gee. That's nice of you
to say there.

But flattery aside, Steve, I--
I want you to keep an open mind.

You know, give everybody
a fair chance and--

and then pick me.

-Funny, funny. Funny man.
-Thank you.

What is that? [CHUCKLES]
Oh, hey, Sam.

Finished the old videotape.
You'll be sorry.

Uh-huh.

What's the matter, Sam, nervous?

Oh, Dad,
I brought the wrong tape.

And Mona was supposed to be here
five minutes ago

with the right one.

Well, uh, very nice, Rashid.
That's real top-drawer.

Thank you.

I do not believe my presentation
was truly understood.

Uh, you know, that--
that elephant polo stuff,

I think that's mostly
a west coast thing.

-Hey, Sam, here you go.
-Oh, thanks, Mona.

-You're a lifesaver.
-[CHUCKLES] Okay.

-Okay. Next up, Tony Micelli.
-Oh! All right.

Hey, Mona! Mona, come here.
Come here.

Hang out a while, hang on--
You gotta see this.

It's-- It's got what I call a--
a field of dreams quality.

You know, "If you build it,
he will come."

Well, if you bore me, I will go.

-Thank you, Mona. Here you go.
-STEVE: Okay.

Um, as you're about to see,
folks.

Baseball isn't all contracts
and egos.

There's a personal side.

I know. I was there.

I played the game.

-Hit it.
-[MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome to Tony's Corner.

I'm Tony, and I'm here
with Chappy,

groundskeeper of the Ridgemont
baseball diamond

for the past 35 years. Chappy,
you've been around a long time,

so I'm sure you've seen
some fine, young ballplayers

-come and go.
-Yeah,

but don't ask me to name names.

If I gotta remember
some damn kid's name,

I get an awful pain
behind my eyeballs.

Behind his eyeballs.

Uh, Chappy, legend has it
that in order to slow down

the-- the opponent's
base runners,

you would actually muddy up
the base pads. Is that true?

Yeah.

Oh, ain't I a dirty, no-good,
son of a--

g*n.

Oh, Chappy, you dog, you.

Um, Chappy, let me-- let me--
let's move on here, Chappy.

You know, do you have
any words of wisdom

to any of our young viewers
out there, who are--

who are about to embark
on their own baseball careers?

Um, no.

You didn't tell me
this was gonna be
a think piece.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, Chappy,
you are a national treasure.

Hey, Chappy, what do you say,
how about a cold one on me?

Okay, but I gotta empty
before I can fill up.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

Thank you. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Well, so, Steve, uh,
what'd you think?

I've, uh,
never seen anything like it.

-TONY: Oh!
-Sam, you ready?

-All set.
-Hear that, Sam?

"Never seen anything like it."

Me, neither, Dad.

Hey, Mona, Mona.

No matter how Sam does,
let's just tell her

she did terrific,
even if you don't mean it.

-Okay.
-Okay. Hey, by the way,

how'd you think I did?

-You were terrific.
-Oh, thanks.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

STEVE: Ha! Ha!

I'm-- I'm loving it! It's got--
It's got punch. It's got edge.

It's got pop!

SAMANTHA: Today my special guest
is Bo Jackson.

Bo knows Sam?

[CLEARS THROAT]

[MONA LAUGHING]

-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-MONA: Let me in.

That's mother.

I don't care,
I'm not letting her in

-till she stops laughing.
-[MONA LAUGHING]

Okay, okay.
I'll stop. I'll stop.

What is so funny?

Tony's tape.

It had them rolling
in the aisles.

That is wonderful!

It isn't a comedy, Angela.

Hey, look.
A lot of people liked my tape.

Not everybody hated it.
Hey, Jonathan, you saw my tape.

-What'd you think?
-Cracked me up.

It wasn't a comedy!

Uh-- Comedy, tragedy.
It's such a fine line.

Get out, please.

Tony, the only thing
that matters

is you did the best you could.

That's the saddest part.

How could you?

-How could I what?
-Don't play dumb with me.

-He's not playing. [CHUCKLES]
-TONY: Would you--

You promised you were gonna
take this competition seriously.

What do you do? You show up
with that ridiculous tape

-of Chappy.
-Ridiculous? It was good!

I liked it. It was endearing.
It was Americana.

And it wasn't a comedy!

Right!

Sam, uh, your father thought
he did the best he could.

See, he thought
Chappy was his ace in the hole.

-Really?
-Yes.

You know what, Dad, it--
it did have some good points.

It was kinda like
an American Gothic.

And-- and that rake
was a nice touch.

That was Chappy's idea.

Look, Dad, um, I'm sorry.
If there's anything I could do

to help with, maybe,
the rest of the tryouts--

Oh!

If I were you,
I wouldn't worry about me,

I'd worry about you. Because,
let me tell you something,

announcing play-by-play
is my strong suit.

-Okay. I'm sure you'll do fine.
-Yeah, you betcha. Huh.

Help me?
How do you like them apples?

Well, Tony,
I know exactly how you feel.

You see, you're going
through a rite of passage.

It's the first time, the child
is surpassing the parent.

Nobody's surpassing nobody
around here.

Oh, it starts in little ways
like this.

And the next thing you know,
she's wheeling you into a home,

closing your robe in,
wiping oatmeal off your chin.

Nobody's wheeling, closing
or wiping me anywhere.

Well, I gotta get going, Dad.
I borrowed your sports almanac.

-Hey, good, take it.
-Good luck.

I-- I don't need luck, Sam.

Dad, you have a crumb
or something on your chin.

Leave it alone!

I put it there.

All right, listen up, people!

Here's how the play-by-play
is gonna work.

All right, you'll watching
a Ridgemont-Walden Tech game.

from three years ago.
You'll alternate innings,

calling the game
off the monitor.

-Everybody got that?
-TONY AND SAMANTHA: Yeah.

-Tony.
-TONY: Okay.

[WHISPERS] Ready.

You're on the air.

Hello, sports fans.

Tony M. here
from Ridgemont field.

And boy, do I have a game
for you today.

Well, at least, I better have
or I'm in big trouble.

[MOUTHS] Good.

[TONY EXHALING] Up first
coming Mikey Battaglia.

He's a Punch and Judy
type lefty.

And he'll be trying to drive
the ball to the opposite field.

Ruiz delivers. Battaglia swings
and fouls the ball

back into the stands.

WOMAN: [ON RECORDER] Ow!

Sorry about that, ma'am.

Funny man.
And he sure knows the game.

It's a hard shot up the middle.
Weinberger snags it,

flips to Middleton.
Over to Jaffe at first.

Double play and the side
is retired.

And the crowd goes wild.

-[JUNGLE MUSIC PLAYING]
-[MONKEYS SCREECHING]

Great.

Huh? Still think I need help?

It ain't over
till the fat lady sings.

[OPERA PLAYS]

-All right. Terrific, terrific.
-TONY: Thank you.

Rashid, you're next.

I must say,
your zany shenanigans

gave me much pleasure.

-Well, then it was all worth it.
-Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Oh, well.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello. Hello.

Testing, one, two, three.
[CLEARS THROAT]

[IMITATES VINCENT SCULLY]
Welcome back to the top

of the second inning.

Sean Teaver up for Walden.

Here's his first pitch--
blazing fast ball.

That boy's throwing BB's.

Teaver swings and hits a rope
to deep left field.

It's going back, back, back,
it's gone! A four-bagger!

Put the kettle on the stove top,
Mama! This boy's coming home!

He's channeling Vin Scully.

SAMANTHA: It is overcast.

As the bright green grass rises
to meet the pearl gray sky,

the sweet notes
of the pipe organ

call out a familiar "charge."

In the bleachers
a young boy sits,

his hopes and dreams riding
on every pitch.

Pardon me, but I am in need
of a tissue.

Hey, hey, hey, you mind?

You're dripping all over my
ah-ooo-gah horn, here.

Morales is at the plate.

He swings and sends a high drive
to deep left.

This one's gone! A home run!

Let's sit back and let
the picture tell the story.

Not good. Dead air.
Not good at all.

Nice work.

Resisting the temptation
to over-announce.

Very poetic.

[SCOFFS]
Sounded like dead air to me.

[RASHID IMITATES VINCENT SCULLY]
Harris waits for the sign

and-- Oh, my! The skies
have opened up. It's pouring!

[LIGHTNING STRIKES]

Well, I guess,
it's time we sign off.

-So, goodbye, folks--
-No. No, no, no.

It's-- it's just a rain delay.
This is part of the test.

Fill in the time.

Um, okay, uh. [CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, look at what, uh--
[IMITATES VINCENT SCULLY]

Let's check the old mailbag.

Why, lookie here. Nora Harding
of Wallabee, Kansas,

-is 100 years young today.
-STEVE: No, no, no, no.

No, no. Sam, jump in.

Uh, okay. Uh...

As the rain pelts the field,

let's just sit back and let
the picture tell the story.

Or not.

-Tony, take it.
-Yeah, I got-- I got it.

As the ground crew
rolls out the tarp--

Wait a minute, that's no crew.

That's one brave soul.
It's Chappy!

The only one-man tarp crew
in the business.

Bo don't know that.

You know, folks,

when I was playing
for the St. Louis cards,

there will always
be one rain delay

that's sort of special to me.

My wife and I were huddled
in the dugout.

She was nine months pregnant.

Of course, she refused
to miss a game.

Just then she started
having contractions.

And I panicked. And she said,

"We'll never make it
to the hospital on time."

Thank God, Doc,
the team trainer, was there.

He had me carry her
into the clubhouse,

and an hour later,

we had the most beautiful,
little daughter

anyone's ever seen.

Hmm. Doc wrapped her up
and handed her to me,

and I stepped out
onto that field

with my little girl.

The clouds parted
and I looked up.

And I swear, I saw a rainbow.

Oh, my goodness!

I am in need of a whole box
of tissues.

Me, too.

Oh, I feel terrible.
I feel awful.

Come on, Dad.
It's not the end of the world.

Tony, you didn't get the job.
Aw!

No, I'm the one
who didn't get the job.

Aw!

What kinda father am I?

Stealing
my daughter's spotlight.

Wrenching her
from her place in the sun.

Oh, you'll get used to it.
I do it every day.

Come on, Dad, you did great.
You won fair and square.

-Oh, no.
-What?

He told the most beautiful story

about how I was born
during a rain delay.

I-- I don't understand
why you didn't tell me

that story before.

It was a lie!

Yes, it was.
I made the whole thing up.

I got so wrapped up
in the competition,

I couldn't stop myself.

You did all of that
just to beat your own daughter?

Yes. Yes.

I'm so ashamed.

You're the greatest dad
in the whole world.

-Huh?
-Dad, don't you get it?

You didn't hold back.
You pulled out all the stops.

You-- you finally treated me
like an equal.

So, I did good?

Yes.

Losing today felt better
than all those times

you let me win.

Really?

Yeah.

You see?
You did the right thing,

just like my father.

Not again.

TONY: Who's The Boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

TONY: Salsa takes the ball,
fakes left.

Turns right, shoots and scores!

-About time he scored a basket.
-[HORN HONKING]

-Tony's doing a great job.
-He better be good.

He beat the best.

Moriarty takes the ball,
dribbles down the lane,

and slam dunk!

Oh, gosh,
he's broken the backboard!

Uh-oh. Now he'll have
to fill some time.

[CHUCKLES] He'll probably
make up some story

about me being born
on a basketball court.

Five, six, seven , eight...

["ME AND MY SHADOW" PLAYS]

["ME AND MY SHADOW" PLAYS]