07x17 - The Unsinkable Tony Micelli

[bunniefuu]

BRENDA: [OVER TV] No, Jared, no.
Please, no.

JARED: [OVER TV]
What's the matter, my darling?

Hey, everybody.

BRENDA: [OVER TV] I'm-- I'm
going to have a baby.

JARED: [OVER TV] But, Brenda,
how?

I mean, you know about
my w*r wound.

[SCOFFS]

BRENDA: [OVER TV]
It's Tristan's baby.

Hello.

JARED: [OVER TV]
Tristan's baby.

-[FINGER SNAPS]
-Keep it up.

You'll be brushing your teeth
with your feet.

Oh, come on, come on, please,
this is such a waste of time.

Who cares if Brenda's going
to have Tristan's baby?

-It wasn't really Tristan.
-It was his evil twin, Rex.

-Okay, that's it. Show's over.
-Hey!

Sure, what do you care?

They're not your friends.

Billy, we think you've been
spending too much time inside.

That's right. That's why
we stopped at the good old YMCA

and we found out a whole bunch
of fun things

that you and I can do
at the school.

You pick one, we'll do it.

-Like what?
-Well, how about this

right here, flag football?

It's okay.

All right, all right.
Hey, how about soccer?

It's okay.

Listen, Billy, I don't want
to hear, "It's okay."

I want to hear excitement,
I want to hear enthusiasm.

I want to hear, "Oh, boy!"

-How about swimming?
-Swimming! Oh, boy!

It's okay.

What's wrong with swimming?

Well, it's just not exactly
a sport

that two buddies can connect in,
Angela,

I mean, you know, football,
I could throw, he could catch.

Soccer, he could kick,
I could block.

I mean, swimming,
what we are gonna do,
spit in each other's masks?

Tony, swimming happens to be
a terrific sport.

As a matter of fact,
it's the only one

-I ever got a trophy in.
-[CHUCKLES] I rest my case.

Tony, you don't have to be petty
just because

he didn't pick the sport

-you wanted.
-This has nothing

to do with being a petty,
Angela.

There's no future in swimming.

I can name 100 famous
quarterbacks,

-name me one famous swimmer.
-Mark Spitz.

I heard the guy's a dentist now.

He-- he spends his day
putting his hands

in other people's mouths.
[LAUGHS]

Look where a quarterback
puts his.

Okay, fine.
We'll let Billy decide. Okay.

Okay, Billy.
What's it going to be?

Something fun me
and you could do,

like-- like football...
[CHUCKLES] ...or soccer...

[MOANS] Or swimming? Ugh.

Swimming!

[CHUCKLES] It really
is a lot of fun.

Swimming. Swimming.

WOMAN: Look out!

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Whoa, that's the biggest pool
in the whole world.

Let's go!

Wait a minute there,
baby Shamu.

[CHUCKLES] Tony,
that's a terrific shot.

Now just pretend like you're
going to throw him in the water.

Horseplay around the pool,
Angela?

I think not.

Okay, well, then give us
a big smile.

Well, isn't that nice?
A boy and his grouch.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Can I have your attention,
please?

-Hi, there.
-Hi.

My name's Pam,
and I'll be your instructor.

So, as soon as you and your boys
are all suited up,
we can get started.

Locker rooms
are right over there.

Excuse me, you mean, uh,

we have to get
in the water, too?

Yeah, yeah. We-- we gotta go
in the water, too?

Oh, we find it puts the children
more at ease.
They learn quicker.

Well, I didn't bring
a bathing suit.

Oh, yeah. Me, neither.

Hey, there's a great bistro
across the street.

You feel like a cappuccino?
Come on.

Uh, if you like, there are
bathing suits for sale inside.

-Oh, great. Thanks. Come on.
-Sure.

Well, they-- they probably
only sell those, uh,

those tights, skimpy ones,
that, uh,

only look good if you are
on the French riviera

and-- and you have
no shame. [CHUCKLES]

-We also sell boxer style.
-Oh, good, good. Well, yeah.

Well, you know, the chlorine
it--- it always makes my hair

so-- so dull and brittle,
you know. [CHUCKLES]

-We also sell conditioner...
-[TONY SIGHS]

...and soap and goggles
and nose clips.

Well, I do have very sensitive
nostrils. [SNIFFLES, CHUCKLES]

-Come on, let's go swimming.
-Yeah, okay. Okay.

Hey, you know,
I need deck slippers.

-They got deck slippers?
-Tony, Tony, smile, smile.

Pretend you're going
to play football.

I bet you my father can swim
faster than your father.

-No, he can't.
-Can, too.

-Cannot.
-Can, too.

Hi, boys.

You win.

Ready, Tony?

As ready as a banana can be.

Okay, I want all the fathers
and sons

in the shallow end
of the pool.

Okay, I'm rolling.

Mr. Micelli, Could you, uh, get
into the water, please?

Oh, yeah, yeah, in a minute,
in a minute, I, uh,

you know, I, uh,
I want to stretch out

the old delts, and the lats,
and the-- and the glutes.

You know, I don't want to hit
the water with cold glutes.

They-- they lock right up
on you.

[GRUNTS] You know.
[CHUCKLES]

-[GRUNTING]
-Tony. Tony.

-Yeah.
-This is only a two-hour tape.

Oh, yeah. Ow!

-What do you mean?
-It's my bad knee.

You don't have a bad knee?

Oh, well, it starts in my knee
and goes to back.

Oh, yeah! My bad back.
[GROANS]

I cannot believe you are being
this petty

because Billy picked
a sport you don't like.

Uh... I'm not being petty.

I can't swim.

-What?
-I'm afraid of the water.

-Bad back!
-[GROANS]

Coming through! Make way.
Can you keep an eye

-on Billy, please?
-Sure, no problem.

Oh! Oh, the pain, the pain.
The-- the horror.

Oh! Oh!

Look, look, look, look,
look, look,

as far as Billy
and everybody else is concerned,

my back went out, and you
took me home early.

Okay, fine. But wouldn't it be
better just to be honest.

-No!
-Tony, this is ridiculous,

sooner or later, somebody
is going to find out

-you're afraid of the water.
-You're afraid of the water?

-See?
-You? Afraid?

Yes, Mona, yes. Go ahead.
I'm afraid.

Make fun of Tony
the scaredy-cat.

-Go ahead, laugh.
-No, I'm not going to laugh.

I mean, afraid of the water
at your age--

You know, that's not very funny.
Actually, it's sad.

No, it's not. It's funny.
Laugh, please!

-Well, you poor thing.
-Tony, you have a phobia.

And I think, we should talk
about it find out what caused it

-and help you get over it.
-[CHUCKLES]

I know what caused it, Angela.
Oh, I know...

but it's too horrible
to talk about.

Tony, come on and tell us.
You'll feel better.

Well, here it is...

I was nine years old and I was,
uh, I was at the public pool.

Cypress pool and I was
in the water for the first time

in my whole life.

When I heard that sound.

The sound of wet feet
on a wet pool deck.

Heavy feet.

Then somebody yelled,

-"Look out!"
-WOMAN: Look out!

Suddenly there was
this big splash,

and I was knocked under
the water.

You know, and I tried to pull
myself to the surface,

but I was-- I was stuck between
these two huge white things.

And they-- they looked like--
they looked like marble columns.

Then I realized they were legs.

A fat lady had jumped
on top of me.

And I was stuck
under-- under this little skirt

of her bathing suit.
Oh, the horror, the horror.

Poor baby. You must
have been terrified.

Caught under the water,

-gasping for air...
-[IMITATES CHOKING]

...thinking that the last sight
you will ever gonna see

was a tag that said
"J.C. Penney, size 48." [LAUGHS]

"The Kate Smith collection."
[LAUGHS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

"Doubles as a parachute."
[LAUGHS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Too bad I didn't drown.
You guys would be rolling
on the floor here.

Sorry, Tony.
We shouldn't be joking.

Fear of the water
is no laughing matter.

-Who's afraid of the water?
-Your father.

-Thank you. Thank you.
-You didn't tell her?

Oh, it's a funny story.

-You see, he was nine years--
-Mona!

You're afraid of the water.

Of course, that explains why
every time I asked you

to go swimming with me,

you'd say, "I just ate.
I gotta wait an hour."

And then an hour later,
you'd be eating again.

That weekend at Cape Cod,
I put on 19 pounds.

All these years,
and I had no idea.

What else have you
been hiding from me?

Nothing.

Did you really play
professional baseball?

Yes, I really played
professional baseball.

You know I play baseball,
you-- you saw my baseball card,

my glove, the photos.

-Yeah, well, they can be faked.
-Faked.

And what about Brooklyn?

Did you really
grow up in Brooklyn?

No. no, I got this accent
growing up in London.

You're right, Dad. I don't know
what I was thinking.

-I'm sorry, Dad.
-Okay. It's okay, honey.

-If, indeed, you are my dad.
-Yes, I'm--

Yes, I'm your dad,
yes, I played baseball,

and I'm from Brooklyn.
And I'm afraid of the water.

You're afraid of the water?

Yes, I'm afraid of the water.

Oh, so, like, it would really
scare you if I did this.

-Guess not.
-Get upstairs.

BILLY: Thanks, Mr. Taylor.
See you at the pool tomorrow .

Okay, well, listen, listen,
mum's the word. Mum's the word.

But Tony, the entire
family knows.

-You might as well tell Billy.
-No, no, Mona.

The kid puts me up on a pedestal

where, under normal
circumstances, I belong.

Tony, I think he would
admire you more

-if you told the truth.
-No! No! Shh.

Boy, that was fun.

How's your back, Tony?

Oh, it's, uh, well, it's--

it's still a little
sore there, Billy, uh,

but I think it'll be okay
in a day or two.

Great, then we can be
in the father, son

relay race next Friday.

Oh, relay race, huh?

Uh, bet you can hardly wait,
hey, Tone? [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, and there's a trophy.

Tony and I are going to win it,
right?

[SIGHS] Right. [CHUCKLES]

I'm going to take a bath.
I have to practice my stroke.

You just should have told him
you can't swim.

It's okay. He'll find out

when he sees them pull me
out of the pool on a hook.

[MONA LAUGHING]

Okay, now, give me your hand.

Then, step into the pool.

Everything will be okay.
I'm right here.

Angela, I am not a child.

-Sorry.
-[EXHALES DEEPLY]

I'm afraid!

You can do it. The best way
to overcome a fear,

is to confront it head on.
You just have to jump in.

I can't. I just can't.

-Hi, there.
-[TONY GASPS]

Just gonna do some laps.
[CHUCKLES]

Well, at least it got you
in the water.

-Oh, my god!
-It's okay.

It's okay. You've been
in the water before.

-But never up to my waist!
-[GRUNTS]

-Angela.
-Tony, you're choking me.

Angela, please, please.
Don't let me go.

-Carry me to safety.
-Tony, you're being silly.

Oh, I am. You're right.
You're right.

-Have them empty the pool.
-Tony, relax. Just relax.

-Take some deep breaths.
-[WHIMPERS]

Breathe. Good.

That's good. Now,
unwrap your legs from my ribs.

-Don't let go!
-One leg at a time.

-Don't let go!
-Everything's okay.

-Don't let go!
-Shut up and do it!

Ah. That wasn't so bad, was it?

You yelled at me.

-It's tough love, Tony.
-[WHIMPERS]

All right, now, first thing I'm
going to teach you

-is the dead-man's float.
-See ya.

It's just called that.

Well, what are you gonna
teach me next,

housekeeper stuck
on the bottom of the pool

for ten minutes
and nobody comes to save him?

It's a thought.
Now, lay across my arms.

-[WHIMPERING]
-Come on. Come on.

[WHIMPERS]

-Okay, now...
-[TONY WHIMPERS]

...put your face in the water.

Angela, I breathe
through my face.

You're supposed to hold
your breath and blow bubbles.

O-- Okay, okay, here goes.

[BURBLING] Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm, uh, I'm looking for some
change I dropped.

Yeah, right.

Okay, okay, now you're gonna
put your face back in.

-[WHIMPERS]
-Only this time I'm gonna

tell you when to take it out.

But, what if you forget?

I mean, you got a lot going on
in your mind, you know,

with Jonathan growing up
and business and all that--

Bubbles, bubbles.

-Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.
-[GASPING]

-Angela, I did it! I did it!
-ANGELA: Yeah.

You know, it's like a whole
another world down there.

Attaboy. Attaboy.
Now do it again.

-Come on, bubbles, and kick.
-[BURBLING]

Kick, kick, kick, kick.

-Angela, I'm swimming!
-Yeah.

-I'm swimming!
-Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick.

Cannonball!

-ANGELA: Oh!
-Lesson's over for good!

Oh, the horror! The horror!

Hey, hey, there, Billy boy!

Hey, how's my little
polliwog, huh?

[CHUCKLES] He's really getting
the hang of it now.

Is your back better yet, Tony?

Oh, uh, no, no. Oh, no, no, no.

It's-- ooh! No,
it's still pretty sore.

-Still pretty sore. [SIGHS]
-You just lifted me in the air.

Oh, yeah, well, you know, Billy,
this motion doesn't bother me.

It's that swimming motion.
Oh, oh, oh! It kills me.

-Yeah.
-I guess that means,

you are not going to be
in the race tomorrow. Huh?

Uh, no, no, that's right,
that's right,

I'm not gonna be
in the race tomorrow.

But I, uh, I got a great idea.

If you can't have me,

you got to have the next
best thing, right, Angela.

-Me?
-Her?

Yeah, yeah. She's a pro,
she's a champ, she's a winner.

-She's a girl.
-[SIGHS] Yeah, yeah!

But, she-- she's a girl
with a lot of swimming trophies.

Billy, I'd be honored.

But you're a girl and all
the other kids

are going to be with their
fathers, and you're--

I know. A girl, a girl.
It happens.

I know why you're doing this.

-You do?
-You don't want to swim with me.

Wait a minute. What--
what are you talking about?

What-- what makes you think
I don't wanna swim with you?

Because, I'm not good enough.
You're afraid I'd make us lose.

Oh, no, no, Billy. That's--
that's not the truth at all.

You see-- See, the reason
I don't want to swim with you

is that, uh... I'm afraid
of the water.

-Afraid? You?
-He doesn't really mean afraid.

Um, technically, you see,
it's a phobia

based on a traumatic
childhood experience.

Oh.

I'm afraid.

You mean, like, uh,
when I was in my room

-and I was afraid of the dark?
-Yeah, exactly.

You got me a night light,
and I wasn't afraid anymore.

[CHUCKLES]
That's-- that's true.

Then why don't you swim
with a night light?

Oh, for-- for the same reason
you don't sleep in the pool.

[LAUGHS]
It-- it wouldn't help.

Honey, he tried to swim for you.
He did. He really did.

It's okay, Tony. I understand.

Now, I know this must be harder,

but honesty really
is the best policy.

It really is.

Girl.

[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

Go, Billy, go! Come on!

He's doing so great.
I wish dad were here to see him.

Uh, face it,
he's a water weenie.

Hey, Eric! Shark! Shark!

-Mother!
-I'm just trying to help Billy.

-Don't yell shark.
-Oh! Okay, okay. Piranha!

Okay, fathers and Angela,

better bet on your positions
now. Come on!

Come on! Let's go.

Keep your pants on, Angela.
I'm swimming this race.

Tony, are you sure?

You bet I am. Look, it's like
you said,

I just have to face my fear
and jump in.

-You can do it!
-You bet I can!

Attaboy!
I'll call the paramedics.

Come on, Billy. Come on, buddy.
Let's go--

What's the matter?

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but you know,

she really shouldn't be
wearing stripes.

-Come on, Billy! Come on, Billy!
-Come on.

TONY: Here we go!

[INDISTINCT CLAMOR]

-You won your leg of the race!
-Go, Angela, go!

Hey, she's not swimming
this leg, buddy. I am.

But I thought you couldn't...

[MONA SCREAMS]

Swim.

Breathe. Blow!
Blow out! Blow out!

Breathe. Breathe.

Breathe! Breathe!

ANGELA: Bubbles. Breathe,
kick, kick.

["CHARIOTS OF FIRE"
THEME PLAYING]

ANGELA: Just a little bit more.
A little bit more.

Come on. Kick, kick!

All right. Come on.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

TONY: I did it! I did it!

-You were fabulous!
-I did it! Oh, I did it!

Hey, hey, did you see me,
out there? I was great.

Oh, I'm sorry, Micelli.
I wanted to wait, but, you know,

the kid got hungry, so,
we went and got a burger,

Come on.

All right, don't let him swim
for an hour.

-Dad, I am so proud of you.
-Thank you.

-Way to go, Tony.
-Hey!

Hey, I told Angela
you could do it.

See, Tony conquered his biggest,
deepest, darkest fear.

And I did it all for you, kid.

I could have won with Angela.

[♪♪♪]

TONY: Who's the Boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

-Hey, hey.
-Oh, great.

I want to get a picture
of the last-place relay team.

Oh, that's us. You got it.

Can we do something other than
swimming next week?

Sure, name it, and you got it.

High dive.

Oh, oh, oh, my neck!

Another phobia.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]