07x20 - Party Politics

[bunniefuu]

And one, and two, and three,

and four, and five, and six.

Here you go. Whoa, whoa!
Here you go.

All right. There. You ready?
Go ahead.

Getting warm.

Warmer. Warmer.

You're hot. You're hot.
You're boiling.

No. No. You're cold.

You're cold.
You-- You're an ice cube.

-You're--
-MONA: Ow!

You're in trouble.

Ooh.

Billy. Billy. You pinned
the tail on Mona.

What do I win?

Well, since you're blindfolded,
how about a firing squad?

Oh, now, come on, come on.

We were just trying to get
ready for Billy's birthday.

Oh, I should have guessed.
The party box.

Dad, look.

Oh. Your magic wand, huh?

I made that for her
for her 11th birthday.

Remember I cracked you over
the head with it,

and you had
to get eight stitches?

Oh, yeah.

And then the next year,
I tried to drown you

while you were bobbing
for apples.

Oh, those were the happiest days
of my life. Yeah.

And you know what?
You're going to have them, too.

Because you're
getting an old-fashioned,

traditional Micelli birthday,
huh?

Look what we got.
Watch yourself.

Look what we got.

We got drop the clothespin
in the bottle.

Wow.

Wait till you see this.
A puppet show. Huh?

♪ It's somebody's birthday
I wonder who ♪

-Neat!
-[LAUGHING]

Look what else we got.
We got party hats. Huh?

Ooh.

Clap hands, Billy.
It's a hee-haw birthday.

I don't believe it.

They are having a party
the same day as Billy's.

Who is?

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
It's Adam's birthday.

You're invited.
It's Adam's birthday--

The Harpers.

The neighbors from hell.

Hey, look what they're having:
a "Build your own sundae" bar.

Oh, yeah, and they are watching
Home Alone on big screen TV.

They knew that we were
having a party.

It's just like them to pull
something like this.

All right, all right,
relax, Angela.
Let me tell you something.

Billy's friends
will come to Billy's party.

Because birthdays
are not about talking cards

and bootleg videos.

They are about friendship
and family.

Am I right, birthday boy?

I think I'm going
to Adam's party.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ You take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road and
A road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Tony. Tony. I keep telling you.
Talking to these people
is an absolute waste of time.

Not true.

I mean, for the last year,
they've been very nice.

For the last year, they've been
out of the country.

You see? That's nice.

Angela. Tony-san.
Konnichiwa.

Yeah. Okay.

Thank you.

That year in Japan really
stuck with you, huh, Mark?

Oh, it was
the most enlightening,

tranquil period of my life.

I found inner peace.

-Please, come in.
-Thank you, thank you.

-Stop!
-What?

Your shoes.

Oh, it's an old
Japanese custom.

No. New carpeting.

Great, great. I got a hole
in my sock.

Pammy. Look who's here.

Well, well, well.
It's so nice
to see you again.

Konnichiwa.

-Please, sit down.
-Thank you.

Oh, we have to talk to you
about something very important.

Do you know that your sock
has a hole in it?

That's why I was wearing shoes.

You see, the thing is

that you've scheduled
your Adam's birthday party

-on the same day as our Billy's.
-Yeah.

Oh, no! This is awful.

Hun, we forgot to check the date
on this cute little invitation.

And what good printing.

Billy has the penmanship
of a third grader.

That's my writing.

Still impressive.

We feel so bad
about this scheduling snafu.

We really must do
something about it.

-Thank you.
-See what I told you.

Let’s move Billy's party
to next Saturday,

and that way
the other kids won’t miss it.

Well, well, look.

I don't think your quite
getting the point here,

Mark-san. [CHUCKLES]

He's right.
You see, the thing is,

is that Billy's actual birthday
is on Saturday,

and Adam's isn't
for another two weeks.

So why don't you postpone
your party?

Well we could but...

he's so excited I don't think
he can wait another two weeks.

[LAUGHING]

Uh, look, not for nothing but,

you know, we did send
our invitations out first.

Oh, but we ordered ours
weeks ago.

I mean, if we had settled for
construction paper and crayons,

ours would have been out first.

Those are--
Those are magic markers.

As you can see, I mean,
there's nothing we can do.

Well, look, you know,

we wouldn't be
making such a deal out of this

but this is-- this is our little
boy's first birthday with us.

And-- And we kinda
want it to be special, you know?

Well, look,
you haven't met him yet,

so here's--
How can you say no to this face?

Aw.

Like this:
No, no, no, no, no.

Well, then, how about this face?

Tony. Tony. Tony.

Obviously, we have reached
a stalemate.

Some people are
a little stubborn.
We have no other choice

but to have our parties
on the same day.

-Shall we?
-Yes, let's go, Angela.

[TONY GRUNTS]

Tony.

Tony, come on.

I think my leg's asleep.

Ooh. This guy's good,
I think.

Voila! A caterpillar.

Okay, well,
if you like that one,
you're going to love this.

A cobra! [HISSES]

Well, uh, thank you there,
uh, Amazing Dave.

That was amazing.

So... Do I get the gig?

Let me put it to you this way:

This here is
a walking stick. Get it?

Hey, I could use this in my act.

You ain't kidding.

All right, Dave.
Thanks very much
for stopping by there.

All right, guys,
the search continues.

But I promise
before the day is over

we're gonna find
somebody terrific.

Oh. Amazing Dave was here.

We have got to find somebody.
We're running out of time.

I know. I know.

Maybe we should just give up
and go to Adam's party.

No way, no way. We're gonna
have a party here,

and it is gonna be better
than Adam's party.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Adam's party.
I'll give you Adam's party.

Hiya, hiya, hiya.

-It's Bobo the clown!
-That's right.

Hiya, Bobo. I'm Tony Micelli.

-[BUZZES]
-[SCREAMS]

That's an old bit,
but he makes it new.

Hiya, hiya.
Like my corsage?

If that thing squirts me,

you won't need
a fake red nose.

Whoa!

Bobo, didn't we
see you at the mall?

Every Saturday afternoon.

What time is it, kids?

It's "Bobo the Clown" time!

Hey, I think we found our guy.

I'm going to call all my friends
and tell them,

we've got Bobo the Clown!

Yay! Look out there.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, I thought I saw
the Bobomobile outside.

It's Bobo the Clown.
Oh, my kid loves your work.

Ah.

Adam's still invited
if he wants to come.

I've gotta hand it you, Micelli.

You went out
and you got the best.

I tried to warn you there,
Harper.

You know, when you go
mano a mano with a Micelli,

you tend to get
your mano kicked.

-You're a great clown, Bobo.
-[WHISTLES]

Oh, he's great.
He's great.

And behind every great clown
is a great actor.

Why, thank you.

Actually, I graduated
from Yale drama school.

Oh. Oh. An Ivy League clown.

I guess you did summer stock,
off-Broadway,

-Shakespeare in the Park.
-That's right.

Five years ago, Central Park,
Richard III.

"Now is the winter
of our discontent."

-But, oh, you were wonderful.
-Yeah, and now...

you're a clown,

entertaining a bunch
of five-year-olds

by squirting seltzer
down your pants.

Hey, hey, Harper,
don't depress my clown.

I just think it's kinda sad
when a guy
throws away a dream.

Oh, I haven't thrown away
my dream.

-I'm still an actor.
-Yeah, yeah, see.

He's still an actor.

Oh yeah, then what are you
doing wearing these floppy shoes

and that fright wig?

You're an actor.
Get out there and act.

-You're right.
-No, no. He's wrong.

"To be or not to be."

A clown.

♪ Be a clown, be a clown ♪

This is just what I needed,
a good kick in the pants

to get myself back on track.

Goodbye, whoopee cushions.

-Hello, Broadway.
-No, no. He's wrong.

♪ All the world
Loves a clown ♪

♪ Da Da Da Da Da
Da Da Da-- ♪

How could you stoop so low?

There is a five-year-old boy
upstairs right now
calling all his friends

telling them
he's got Bobo the Clown.

Billy can come to our party.
We're gonna have two clowns.

Oh yeah? Oh yeah, Harper?

Well, I see your two clowns,
and I raise you a video game

and pony rides
and a rocket ship

right to the moon,
if that's what it takes

to get them kids to come
to our party.

Yeah? Well, a Harper doesn't
back down either, Micelli.

I'd like to strangle you.
Get over here.

Angela!

How much are you prepared
to spend on this party?

A quarter of a million dollars.

Okay, fine, fine.

So you're definitely taking
Donny to Adam's party?

Okay, fine.
Yeah. Have fun.

I'm sure Adam's over
his quarantine by now.

Oh, you haven't heard?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's mumps and scurvy.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's tough
on the kid, tough on the kid.

But you know, it's really
a double whammy

on an adult male, Herb.

Great. See you at 2:00.
Good. Thank you. Bye-bye.

All right. Yeah. We got Donny.

Hey, that's great, Tony.
We're ahead by one.

Yes! And the rest shall follow
like lemmings to the sea.

The Harpers' whole party
is beginning to crumble,

like a child's fragile
sandcastle

beneath a rising tide.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

You've really captured the fun
and innocence

of a child's party, Dad.

Thank you.

Hey. And here's
the birthday boy now.

Come over here.
Take a look at this board here.

Huh? Huh? We got Donny.

Who's Donny?

Who cares, who cares?

The Harpers had him,
but now he's with us.

Great. So where
should I put this?

[SCOFFS]

Pin the tail on the donkey?

-That is boring.
-But I like it.

But we're past that now.

We got Nintendo,
we got laser tag,

we got a go-cart.

-Well, I guess I don't like it.
-That's my boy.

Go ahead, you little
birthday munchkin.
Go out and play.

What did you find out?

Tony, it does not look good.

The Harpers
have three kinds of punch.

Those animals.

All right. Sam. Jonathan.
Go and buy every kind of punch.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Buy all the punch.

That's right, we'll cut off
their supply lines.

Ooh. I hope it's a hot day!
Go, go!

Okay. Punch for Billy
and a strait jacket for Dad.

Tony, here is an aerial shot
I took from the roof.

[GROANS]

Well, at least Mom's keeping it
in perspective.

Here's something else
that's not going to be
easy to top.

-A Ferris wheel.
-[GASPS]

The XT-150 turbo.

This is the Ferrari
of Ferris wheels.

These people will
stop at nothing.

Well, one of us
could sneak over there

and throw sand
in the mechanism.

That's just it, woman.
The XT-150 is sand proof.

What are we going to do?

Don't worry, don't worry.
I had a feeling

that they might try
a last-minute curve.

And because of that
I got a secret weapon.

-What is it?
-You'll see at the party.

-[♪♪♪]
-[CHILDREN CLAMORING]

We want to use the go-cart, but
she's been hogging it all day.

Well, now that's not fair.
You get out of there.

You get out of there
and let the other children
have a turn.

Hey, hey, hey.

Line up six trash cans.
I'm going for the record.

Mother, get out of there.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, guys.
Sorry about the calliope music.

We're starting
our rides now, kids,

and you're all invited.

-[CHILDREN CHEERING]
-No, no, kids.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
See. You're already here.

You'll have to go
all the way around.

Hey, kids. No problem.

Hello!

Mother, Mother, where's Tony?
We need him.

I don't know.

TONY: Have no fear,
for I am here to help you.

It's Captain Super.

-My hero.
-Hold it.

You're being attacked by the
dreaded Livonian lint creatures.

There.
You're safe now.

Once again,
good triumphs over evil.

Works on pet hair, too.

Wow. Captain Super.
That's very clever.

Yeah. Pretty hard to top

unless you guys want to meet
a couple of real superheroes.

Yeah.

It's the American Gladiators.

Nitro and Ice.

Nice tights.

Come on, kids.

Okay, okay, okay.
Don't panic.

Don't panic.
It's just a temporary setback.

We got to fight back.
We got to fight back. All right.

We need a bigger superhero.
We need a bigger superhero.

Who do we get?
I know. We'll get Batman.

That's right.
I'll call Michael Keaton.

Yes. Uh, let's see. Yeah.

They'll love
Michael Keaton.
I love Michael Keaton.

But I don't know Michael Keaton.

I'm babbling. I'm babbling.
Please stop me.

And please get me out of this
suit before somebody sees me.

-I think I've lost my mind.
-Tony.

You hit Captain Super.

Tony, you've got to stop.
They've beaten us.

Not necessarily.

"Happy birthday, Adam."

-Mother, where did you get this?
-It was easy.

I just told the delivery boy
I was Mrs. Harper.

Mother, that's terrible.

I know. I'm so much
better-looking than she is.

Well, I did my part.
You do yours.

And may I suggest...
chili powder?

[LAUGHS CUNNINGLY]

Hey, Mark.

Hey! That's our cake.
What are you doing with that?

It was delivered to our house
by mistake.

Thank you very much
for returning it.

-Okay.
-Hold on, hold on, hold on.

How long have you
had this cake?

I don't know.
A couple of minutes.

Oh yeah. How stupid
do you think I am?

-Very. Can we go now?
-Well said.

Wait a minute.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

This icing tastes funny.
Pammy, taste this.

Come on.

It tastes fine to me.

No, of course, no, of course.

They wouldn't put
anything in the icing.

They'd put it inside the cake.
Right, right.

What is it?
Tabasco sauce, huh?

Laxative?

Oh, come on, come on, Harper.
I wouldn't do that to the kids.

Of course you would, and
you know how I know you would?

Because I would.

-Come on. Come on.
-Mark. That's an 80-dollar cake.

Shut up, Pammy.
There's something in here,

and I'm going to find out
what it is.

There's nothing in here.

That's what we
tried to tell you.

Yes, but of course,
your suspicious, cynical,

paranoid mind
wouldn't believe us.

Now look what you did
to your son's cake.

You should be ashamed,
Harper.

Dad, what happened to my cake?

Uh, not enough
egg white, son.

Listen, kids, I got a big cake
over at my house,

and Adam, we're gonna put
your name on it, too.
Okay, birthday boy?

-[CHILDREN CHEERING]
-All right, go on.

Go ahead.
Go ahead, kids.

Okay, Micelli.
You won this round.

But I'll have you know
a Harper never, ever--

Oh, shut up, Mark!

Pammy. That hurt.

I'm starting to like her.

Thanks, Mr. Micelli,

that was the best party
I've ever been to.

Yeah. I threw up three times.

That's okay.
My costume was rented.

Well, I guess we showed
those old Harpers.

Yeah. We whipped their butts,
those overly competitive losers.

Hey!

Thanks, Tony.
Thanks, Angela.

This was great.
This was the best.

Oh, honey.
Well, I'm glad you liked it.

Hey, nothing's too good,
pal o' mine.

Great. Because next year,
I want to have a camel

and fireworks
and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Yeah, we got to beat them
again next year.

Uh-oh. Angela,
I think we got a problem.

Not necessarily.

I know the ad agency
that promotes his movies.

[SCOFFS] Angela.

One of the partners
owes me a big favor.

Angela.

Ooh, do you think if we
get Arnold, we can get Maria?

-I think she is fabulous--
-Would you stop, please!

Don't you see
what we are doing here

what we done, what we've become?

I mean, we got so wrapped up
in having the best party

that-that we became
what we hate:
the Harpers.

And what's worse,
we made Billy one of them.

Oh, my God. You're right.

Yeah, how do I look? Let's go
straighten this out right now.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey,
birthday boy.

-Pretty good party, huh?
-Yeah.

Lots of great presents.

-I'm six, and I'm rich.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You made a lot of new
friends, right?

I even found out who Donny was.

There was the go-cart
and the trampoline

and all the great food.

It's a pretty perfect day.

-Yeah.
-And we'll never let it
happen again.

Huh?

See, Honey, we gave you
all these things
for the wrong reasons.

That's okay.

No, no, no. See-- See--

Do you remember
the birthday box, Billy?

You know, with the memories
and the tradition

and the homemade games?

That's what birthdays
are all about.
The simple things.

But you put that stuff
back in the attic.

Yeah, yeah, I know,
but I was wrong to do that

because I got so wrapped up
competing with those Harpers,

that I forgot what was important
about birthdays.

What's important is
to have a few good friends

and a family who loves you.

And that's all you really need
to celebrate your special day.

Yeah, so,
you see what we're saying?

No Schwarzenegger?

No Schwarzenegger.

Then we'll get
Bert and Ernie!

Well, we've got 364 more days
to get through to him.

Nobody touch my stuff.

We better get started now.

Oh, boy.

TONY: Who's the Boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

Hey, you know, Mark,
I-I really appreciate this.

It's beautiful.
Arigato gozaimasu.

It's the least I can do,
considering you were kind enough

-to mend our fences as it were.
-Considering we share one,

I thought it was
the thing to do, you know?

Oh, gosh.

You want to ride
in it, don't you, huh?

Well, it is the XT-150 turbo.

Come on. Be my guest.

Really, Mark? Really?

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, yeah.

-Oh, baby.
-MARK: All right?

TONY: Yeah. That's great.

Oh, let's go.

Here we go.

Yeah!

That's great.

That's...

-Uh, Mark.
-Good night, Tony-san.

Mark.
Mark, that's not funny, Mark.

Mark! Ma-- Mark-san!

Pa-- Pammy! Pammy!

Angela!

[♪♪♪]

Hey! Oh, you dirty--

Harper! Harper!

Harper! [CRYING]

Hey, Mark.
Mark, that's not funny.

Ma-- Mark. Mark, you--
Mark.

Pammy!

Angela!

[♪♪♪]