07x22 - Tony and the Princess

[bunniefuu]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[LAUGHS]
Hey, Marty, how you doing?

-Tony, good to see you.
-[LAUGHS]

-Great feast, huh?
-Oh, hey look,

the feasts in Brooklyn,
they're the greatest.

Hey, check out this
caricature I got.

Hey, it's Scott Baio.

No, it's not. It's Tony.

That's the last time I buy
one of these from Cataract Jack.

Well, I hope Mother has

-better luck with hers.
-Yeah.

[ANGELA GASPS]

Mother, Cataract Jack did that?

Yeah. When I left him he was
on his knees screaming,

"I can see! I can see!"

I'm gonna check on the kids.
Will you get me a soda, please?

You got it. You got it.
Let me see that.

MONA: Not bad, huh? [LAUGHS]
Pretty good, huh?

-Okay. Hey, what do you have?
-Beer.

A beer for you, okay.

Uh, Marty, let me have two beers
and-- and a soda for Angela--

-Ginger ale, Marty.
-Coming up.

Hey, hey, wait a minute there,
Marty.

Excuse me, pal.
But I think I was first.

Tony, this drink's for Gus.

Gus Stone?

But what are you waiting?
Marty, come on, give him--

put it-- put it on my tab.
[LAUGHS]

-Who is this guy?
-It's Gus Stone.

Don't look. Don't look.
Don't look.

Excuse me, sir.

You're sitting in my chair
and on my coat.

Oh.

Ah, excuse me, sir,
I think you're being--

Ah, excuse me, Angela, Angela,
I don't think you know

-who you're talking to.
-Oh, yes, I do.

He's a very impolite man
who obviously cannot read.

You see this sign, it says,
"No Smoking."

Oh, Angela. No. No.
No. It's not broken.

-Don’t--
-It's-- it's-- I can put it--

-Tony, Tony.
-I'll fix it.

Tony? Tony Micelli?

Uh, no, no.
I'm-- I'm Scott Baio.

It is you!

Come over here.
Give me a big hug.

-Hi, Gus.
-Hey!

It's been years.
So, this is the wife?

-No, no.
-Good.

'Cause she can get you
in a lot of trouble.

Um, Gus, this is--
this is Angela Bower.

And-- and this is
Angela's mother Mona.

And, Gus is sort of
a patriarchal-- sort of a,

you know, a neighborhood
father figure type

of businessman.

You mean, a guy you
don't say no to, huh?

-Yes.
-Really?

No one says no to me, either.

So, Gus, how you been?

Huh? Oh, uh, good.
So, what have you been up to?

Well, I'm, you know,
I'm going to college,

I'm working as a housekeeper,
and I'm living in Connecticut.

A college man.

All the great minds are
leaving the neighborhood.

It's part of the tragic
Brooklyn brain drain.

Hey, Dad,
I won a teddy bear for you.

Aww, thank you, Samantha.
How nice!

Hey, Samantha,
You-- you remember Gus Stone

from the old neighborhood?

Mr. Stone,
I won a teddy bear for you.

Ah, it's so fuzzy.

I think I'll call him
Mr. Icky Nose.

-[LAUGHS] Oh! Yeah!
-[SAM AND GUS LAUGH]

-That's a great choice, sir.
-Yes, absolutely.

Really cute, sir.

Yeah, you've grown up to be
a fine young woman, Samantha.

Tony, you must have done
something right.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, he got her out
of this neighborhood--

[TONY WHINES]

This wonderfully colorful
neighborhood.

Yeah, right.
It's tough growing up here.

You hook up
with the wrong people,

have to get your father up
in the middle of the night,

to go down to the police station
in the pouring rain,

with the flu just to bail
her out!

So, how is your daughter there,
Gus?

Uh, ladies, wouldn't you like
a little frozen yogurt?

-No.
-Yes!

Angela, you have all
the street smarts

of, like, Princess Di.

-Sit, Tony. Sit.
-Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I got a little job for you.

A job? For me? From you?
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Ah, well, I'd love to, Gus,
but you know,

I got so many jobs, you know,
I'm a housekeeper, I'm a parent,

I'm a college student.
You know--

It sounds like you could use
a little help.

Oh, you ain't kidding.
[CHUCKLES]

Good. When should I tell
my daughter to show up?

Excuse me?

She's a very sweet girl, Tony,
but she's a little lazy,

You see, she's never really
had a job.

I hear there's an opening
at the House of Cheese.

Yeah, like a slicer...

No, no. I want her to work
for you for a couple of weeks,

to learn some responsibility,
and along the way,

maybe pick up some of those
good values that you gave Sam.

Well, Sam is lazy and stupid.
[LAUGHS]

Anthony, Gus Stone did you
a favor once.

Now he wants it returned.

Gus Stone doesn't like
the word "No".

Yeah, I-- I know. Well, I mean,
I k-now. [CHUCKLES]

I mean not "no" no. 'Cause I
would never say no, you know...

Well, listen,
can she be there at ten?

I mean, 11's fine,


I could pick her up, you know,
I'll be in the neighborhood,

well, actually I'll be
in Connecticut but hey,

that's the tri-state area,
you know.

It's just a-- it's a hop skip
and a jump, you know, I just--

She doesn't get car sick,
does she?

'Cause I'll get some Dramamine.
You know, I could carry her

right from Brooklyn
to the house.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road and
A road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

All right. Okay.

Well, where is she?

I thought Gus's driver
was going to drop her off.

They probably got lost. Or maybe
they got in an accident.

Oh, no, Gus Stone's daughter
in an accident,

she probably scrawled
my name in blood

across the windshield,
I'm dead!

Oh, my God.

Tony, why are you letting
that girl come here, anyway?

She might as well know.

Ah, Mother, Tony doesn't like
to talk about this,

but when he was a boy,
he got caught...

...shoplifting candy.

And, uh...

Gus spoke to the store owner

and convinced him
not to press charges.

Yeah, that day Gus said to me,

"Hey kid, you got a big future
playing baseball,

so if you're going to steal,
make it second base."

So, I owe him.

It's a very touching story,
Tony.

I want my locks changed.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay, that's her.
Now, happy faces.

Let's make her feel welcome.
Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, no. Is she--
is she all right?

She's not a morning person.

Hey, sleeping beauty!

-[MUMBLES]
-Hi, Claudia.

Scott Baio?

No. I'm-- I'm Tony Micelli.

Oh, yeah, you're the Yutz who
stole the candy bars.

-Good luck.
-TONY: Yeah. Thank you.

Well, on behalf of this family,
I would like to say

-welcome to--
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coffee!

Hey, hey...

Young lady,
that is no way to talk.

Where's your phone?
I want to call my daddy.

Cream, sugar, decaf cappuccino?
Double espresso?

Excuse me. Is this the way
you show up to work,

-like you've been out all night?
-"All night"?

-Try all week.
-Ah,

the daughter I never had.

Mother, go to work.

Ow! What was that for?

For being a juvenile delinquent.

[EXCLAIMS] All right, Claudia.
We have a big day
ahead of us, huh?

Come on, today's Monday.
Which means we

strip and flip the mattresses.
Monday-mattresses.

M, M. [CHUCKLES]
You get it?

It's just a-- a little device
I use to remember.

My God, your life is pathetic.

Why don't you just
take off your jacket

and join me in the kitchen,
okay? Okay.

Uh, Claudia. Claudia,
As assistant housekeeper,

your first chore will be
to pick that up.

-All right. Now, save it.
-[SIGHS DEEPLY]

[BOTH SCREAM]

What? What?

[STUTTERS] It's a kid.

What's it doing here?

It lives here.

Daddy's not paying me enough
to put up with kids.

Oh, wait-- wait a minute,
wait a minute.

-Your father's paying you?
-A lousy two grand.

Two thousand dollars a month is
nothing to complain about.

A month?

A week.

Two thousand dollars a week!

That's more than you get,
huh, Tony?

Pick up the jacket, huh, pal?

-[CLAUDIA SCREAMS]
-[CHILD SCREAMS]

God, they're everywhere.

Don't worry. They only come out
during the day.

Ah, way to pick a cart there,
Claudia.

-Fine. I'll push it.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Let see, um...

Wait a minute,
this--this isn't our cart.

Shh. It's better.

The wheel doesn't wobble,
and it's already full of food.

You don't take other
people's carts, Claudia.

Ooh, ladyfingers. I thought they
were out of these. Hmm.

Oh, come back here.

Ah, I like these.
They're very good. [CHUCKLES]

All right then, come.
Come over here

and I will teach you the art

of picking a great cantaloupe,
okay?

-First, you pick it up, right?
-Mm-hmm.

Then, okay, you tap it.

-Now, you-- you squeeze it.
-Mm-hmm.

You feel the firmness,
and then...

...you smell the navel.
[INHALES DEEPLY]

Should I leave you two alone?

Claudia,
could you please concentrate?

I concentrate.

Oh, sure like yesterday when you
were supposed to pick

-the kids up from school?
-I picked up the kids.

The wrong kids.

They were cute.
I thought we traded up.

On to the apples.

Mm. I know how to pick
those out.

That's too ripe.

Claudia, what-- what are you--
Listen, listen.

[CHUCKLES]

We've been together three days
and in that time,

you've broken 18 dishes
and a ceiling fan.

And you used
Jonathan's stamp collection

to mail letters.

You put your cigarettes out
in Angela's cold cream.

And Little Billy’s been hiding
in his closet

for the past 48 hours.

-What's your point?
-You're driving me nuts!

Now look, I don't care
who your father is.

I've had it up to here with you.

I mean, you're nothing
but a-- but an overgrown,

immature, arrogant infant.

And if I had known,
that the favor I was gonna

have to pay back was you,

I would've much rather
have rotted in jail.

Nobody has ever spoken to me
that way before.

Well, maybe it's time
somebody did.

You're right...

...and I wanna thank you.

[GRUNTS] Clean up in produce!

Oh, Angela, thank heavens
you're here.

What's the matter?

-Hi.
-No, no, nothing, nothing.

Tony, tomato stains all over
the back of your pant.

-Oh, yeah--
-Oh, I'll wipe that off--

Oh, no, you won't.

I'll get that, please.
And by the way, I'm--

I'm barred from Foodtown
till the end of the year.

Thanks a lot, Claudia.

You spilled maple syrup all over
my term paper.

I am never ever going to forgive
you for this.

Oh, Jonathan, I'm really,
really sorry.

I promise it won't happen again.

I'll put these away for you,
Tony.

Well, I guess I whipped her
into shape.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

What did you do to her?

After I put these away,
let’s scrub toilets.

-Oh, my God, she wants you.
-[GROANS]

-She tried to bag me, too.
-What?

She jumped me
in the produce section.

Why?

It was too cold in frozen food!
I don't know! It's crazy!

It started out as a normal
Claudia outing,

you know, she scared eight kids,
she broke the lobster tank.

Next thing I know,
Ken, the vegetable boy

is hosing us off with a sprayer.

Did, uh, you do anything
to encourage this?

Oh, yes, yes. I yelled at her.
My luck, she likes that.

All right look, I'm just going
to have to call Gus

and tell him
this whole thing is off.

Oh, okay, then she wins.

-What do you mean, "She wins"?
-Tony, don't you see?

She's manipulating you
into canceling this

by pretending to be
in love with you.

[SCOFFS] Oh, pretending, Angela?
Pretending?

Do you have any idea
how many mangos we bruised?

If you don't believe me,
just look in her eyes.

A woman's eyes never lie.

You're right, Angela.

I mean this is weird.
Nobody falls in love that fast.

-Exactly.
-She's running a scam on me,

and I'm falling for it.

I can't believe
how gullible I am.

Thank you, Angela. I don't know
what I'd do without you?

[MUMBLING]

Claudia, we have to talk.

Sure, Tony.
I always have time for you--

Oh, please.
Cut the theatrics, Missy.

[SCOFFS]
Ah, you know and I know it,

the only feeling that
we have for each other

is a mutual feeling
of loathing and contempt.

[GASPS] Tony, that's how
you feel about me?

Yes, and that's how you feel,
too.

And you know how I know?

Because a woman's eyes
never lie.

I can look in your eyes
right now

and I can plainly see-- Uh-oh.

I open my heart to you,
I bare my soul,

and you throw it back
in my face. Thanks a lot!

Oh, no, no, Claudia.
Wait a second.

Wait a minute, I didn't mean--

I thought that--
This was Angela's idea!

The last man who broke my heart
was Carl,

and the only person more upset
than me was...

...Daddy!

What did Daddy do to Carl?

[STUTTERS] Wh-- where is Carl?
Can I talk to Carl?

Can Carl talk?

Tony, lighten up!

Father, you don't understand,
Father.

She ran screaming from my house,
I haven't heard from her since.

She won't return my phone calls.

Have you spoken
to this girl's father?

[SIGHS] No.

Which brings me to the reason
why I'm here, Father.

Is it true that the church
will hide people?

You mean, grant them sanctuary.

Yes! Sanctuary! That's the word,
that's the word, like

in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Pardon me?

You know, where Quasimodo

he-- he sweeps Esmeralda
up into his arms

and then they go up to the
bell tower and then he says...

[IMITATES HUNCHBACK]
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"

Sure, Tony, we can give
you sanctuary,

you can hide out here
as long as you want.

Cowering in the dark
like a frightened animal.

Great, when's dinner?

Tony, I don't know exactly
who you're running from,

-but hiding is not the answer.
-You don't understand, Father.

I crossed a very powerful man,
Father,

A man who did something that
altered the course of my life.

A man, who I was raised
to respect and to fear.

I just don't know what to do,
Father.

As long as the Lord is with you,
there's no man you need fear.

-You-- you think so, Father?
-Have faith, Tony.

He will help you face this fear
and conquer it.

[SIGHS] You're right, Father.

[SCOFFS] Once again,
you've done it again.

You're always right. I just--
I just have to go out there

and face this thing head-on.
You know, I'm just gonna have--

Just gonna have to go
and talk to Gus myself.

Gus?

-Gus Stone?
-Yeah.

Father?

Father!

[WHISPERS] Hey, Marty.
Marty, come here.

What kind of mood is Gus in?

-This ginger ale's got no fizz!
-[GLASS SHATTERS]

Doesn't he know it's happy hour?

-Hey, Micelli. Get over here.
-Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

-I'm surprised to see you here.
-I know you're upset Gus.

But I-- I didn't mean
to yell at Claudia

or kiss her
in the produce section,

or to-- or to make her cry
or to break her heart.

You kissed my daughter
in the produce section?

[BREATHES HEAVILY]
She-- she didn't tell you?

I haven't talked to Claudia
in two days.

Well, uh... This ginger ale's
got no fizz!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

I'm gonna go
see the distributor! Right now!

-Micelli, sit!
-Ah, okay.

Am I to understand,

that you hurt
my beloved Claudia?

Well, she-- she started it, Gus.

And now you're blaming her?

Well, it's not really
a blame thing, sir.

You disappoint me, Tony.

I haven't been
this disappointed...

...since Carl.

Wait a minute, Gus. this is--

this is not like
that Carl thing.

That Carl thing was big,
you know. This is-- this is--

How is Carl?

Forget about Carl.

I ask you to return a favor,
and what do you do?

You get fresh with my daughter
in the A&P.

Actually, it was Foodtown.
But-- but I didn't get fresh.

I wanted you to give her
a sense of values,

to straighten her out.

I gave you
a big responsibility...

...and you failed me.

Well, maybe that's not my job.
Maybe that's yours--

What did you say?

I said, uh,

-this ginger ale's got no fizz!
-[GLASS SHATTERS]

Look, Gus, you've
been spoiling her,

and letting her walk
all over you, I mean,

you gotta stop bailing her out
and show her that you think

that she could survive
on her own.

You got some nerve
talking to me like that.

Nobody has ever done that.

And you love me for it?

I hate you.

And I'm about to die
of thirst here!

Marty, another ginger ale here!

Look, Gus.

I like you, and I respect you,
and I owe you,

and I want to pay you back
right now

by telling you the truth.

I mean,
Claudia is a terrific girl

with a lot of potential.

But her biggest
problem is...

...you.

Uh, excuse me. Are we
interrupting anything here?

Oh, no. Please come, join us.
Sit down.

Always good to have witnesses--
I mean friends!

See, Claudia stopped
by the house to pick up

her things and we had
a little talk

and Claudia has something
to say.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]
You really hurt me, Tony.

Thank you, Angela.
Thank you.

Come on. There's-- there's more.

Oh, yeah.
Angela helped me realize

that my feelings for you was--
was sort of like an infatuation.

Like she said, you're easy
to fall for 'cause, um,

you're assertive

-and dynamic and gentle...
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

...and um, what was
the other thing?

Gee, I don't remember.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Nice butt. That's right.

She said you had a nice butt.

Thank you, Claudia,
for remembering.

Anyway, Daddy,
don't be upset with him.

I forgive him. You should, too.

Okay.

I forgive you, Micelli.

And honey, if you don't wanna
go back there,

-you don't have to.
-Aww, thank you Daddy.

Can I keep the two grand a week?

-Sure you can, sweetheart.
-[CLEARS THROAT] Ahem.

Uh, make that a thousand.

-[COUGHS]
-Uh, seven fifty.

[CLEARS THROAT]

-Five hundred?
-[CLAUDIA SCOFFS]

The kid's got to live.

Okay, but only
till she gets a job.

-But, Daddy--
-Hey,

now that's the way it is!

Besides,

I believe you could make it.

Mm. Okay, I'll try.

Anthony...

-we're all even.
-Thank you, Gus.

Let's go, Carl.

Angela, it's Carl!
Hey, Carl, how are you?

Good to see you, Carl.

He looks good, doesn't he?
Carl, you look good.

Talk to me, Carl.

TONY: Who's The Boss?
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

What a relief.

Everything is back
to normal now.

Told you, you had
nothing to worry about.

[SCOFFS] Yeah. Right.

Hey, look let's get out of here

before Gus decides to do me
another favor.

Hey, Marty, get some fizz
in that ginger ale, huh?

-[TONY LAUGHING]
-[ANGELA] Bye.

-After you.
-No. After you.

-No, no, no. Please, I insist
-No, no, no. Please. I insist.

Okay.

What are you doing?

[♪♪♪]

You know, maybe she really does
love you.

[ANGELA GAGS]

Hey, Matty-- I mean Marty.

-MAN: Three, two...
-I don't want to come in again!

Father!

[IMITATES HUNCHBACK] Sanctuary!