08x11 - This Sold House

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so to find the roots
of the quadratic equation,

you do X equals negative B,

plus or minus the square root
of B squared,

minus 4AC over 2A.

Do you understand?

Gee, you have a tiny nose.

-Dad.
-No, you do!

And it's the only thing
I got right today.

Don't worry, Dad,
you'll get the hang of it.

But the test
is tomorrow morning.

I know and I'm gonna stay
by your side until you get it.

Aw, Samantha,
you have such a big heart,

but that nose.

-I mean, how do you breathe?
-[DOORBELL RINGS]

When you were a baby,
I used to push on that nose.

This is probably my fault, sure.

Of course, it's my fault.
Everything's my fault.

You know that.

Uh, yes?

I'm home.

No, no, no. I'm home.
You're lost.

This-- this is it.
Oh, the banister!

[CHUCKLES] Whee!

Oh, the fireplace!

The bay window.

Yeah, yeah
and the muscular Italian

who wants to know
what you're doing in his house.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Jack Sanborn,
I grew up here.

Gee, everything seems
so much smaller.

-Mind if I look around?
-Wait a minute.

Hold on,
how do I know

you're not some, kind of,
psychopathic k*ller?

-Oh, I'm a lawyer.
-It's worse than I thought.

I really did grow up here.
Look...

the kitchen is through
that swinging door.

Right. No-- There's a study
around that corner,

and-- and there are three
little marks...

-right inside the closet door.
-Wait a minute.

How far apart are they?

Dad, I think he's okay.

It's where mom marked my height
when I was growing up.

Aw, my dad did the same thing

only my marks are on a wall
in Brooklyn.

Those marks on the wall

represent the happiest days
of my life.

-Oh, I know what you mean.
-I mean, coming back here,

I feel like I've recaptured
the joy

and the innocence of those days.

Yeah, they were simple,
happy times, weren't they?

I mean, no pressures,
no worries,

no exams.

-Excuse me.
-Wa-- wait a minute.

Hold it. Sam, Sam,
wait a minute? Where you going?

Back to Brooklyn, back in time,
to find my marks on the wall.

Now, wait a minute.
Sam-- Sam,

what about my test?
You got-- you got to tutor me.

But Daddy,
I'm only 5 five years old,

I don't even understand
Big Bird.

Sam, me, either. That's why
I need you to tutor me.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much, there.

I'm sorry, but look, being here

has helped me make up
my mind about something.

I want to buy this house.

Buy it? Oh, I-- I'm not sure

that Angela is interested
in selling it.

Oh, so you don't own the house?

No, but, uh, the owner
and I are quite close.

Ah. Well, maybe this will change
her mind.

Have her
give me a call.

That's my offer
and my phone number.

Whoa! Well, wait a minute!
Wait a minute. Which is which?

That one's my offer.

Wh-- Are you-- You're--
you're kidding me, cause--

Because your phone number
would be cheaper.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you,
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Oh, uh, h-- Hello,
hello, little girl.

Um... Is your daddy
Jack Sanborn?

Oh, good, good, good.
Is-- is daddy rich?

No, no. Don't go ask-- No.

Hi, Tony.
How's your day been?

Uh, pretty uneventful,
you know.

A little vacuuming,
a little dusting,

-almost sold the house.
-What?

This guy waltzes in here,
right?

He says he grew up
in this house

He made you that offer.

You're kidding.
I don't know what to say.

Ooh!
How about "Sold"?

-Is this guy for real?
-I don't know.

I called up his house.
A little girl answers

she says, " Sanborn residence",
but then, I hung up.

Tony, why don't you just call up
the bank

and ask how much he's got
in his account?

Don't be silly, Angela.
They don't give you
that information

over the phone no matter
how many voices you try.

I don't know if I want
to sell the house.

-We're selling the house?
-Well, I got an offer.

Well, look,
with that much money,

we could get a bigger house,
a new car,

maybe even a sailboat.

Mother, there're other things
to think about

besides how much profit
we're going to make.

Right, Tony?

Could we call it
The Italian Galleon?

Wait a minute. They offered
this much for our house?

-Don't sell.
-Aw, you'd miss the place.

Get real. They obviously know
something we don't.

What are you talking about?

-What do you mean?
-I'm talking about oil,

black gold, Texas tea.

Okay, that's it. No more
Nick at Nite for you.

Jonathan, there is no oil here.

Well, I do have
a lot of great memories.

Uh, there's the coffee table
where I chipped my tooth,

and the stairs where I fell
and broke my wrist,

uh, and the fireplace where
I burnt my hair off.

Dump this place.
It's a deathtrap.

-Tony, what do you think?
-Um, I'm--

I'm kind of sitting
on the fence, you know?

Which, according to this,
is worth 30,000 dollars here!

Well, it really is tempting,
but I don't know,

but I've always loved
this house.

I mean, it's the first house
I ever owned.

After Michael and I got married,

we really had to sacrifice
to buy it,

but it was worth it.
It was worth every penny of it.

The first time we saw it,

we knew it was our dream house.

Well then, how can you leave
your dream house?

Right? I mean, let's--
We'll stay.

Could we at least sell
the fence?

Tony, what are you doing?

I'm fixing a drip.

But it's three o' clock
in the morning.

I know. All night long
drip, drip, drip.

Who could sleep?

How did you hear it
all the way upstairs?

Oh, come on, Angela.
What are you talking about?

The walls in this house
are like, paper thin.

I can hear the faucet
and I can hear them squirrels

running across the roof.

Between the drip and the...

Who could sleep?

Well, why is this suddenly
bothering you now?

It's always bothered me, Angela.

I mean, come on, this house--
It's a mess.

I mean, the--
the plaster's cracking.

the-- the wiring's old.

and there's graffiti
all over this place.

-What graffiti?
-Huh, what graffiti?

I'll show you what graffiti.

-"Michael loves Angela."
-"Michael loves Angela." Right!

Every day for seven years,
that's been staring me
in the face.

You move the refrigerator
every day?

You don't get arms
like this flitting around

with a feather duster, Missy.

Oh, gosh, Tony,
I'm really sorry.

I didn't know
you were this uncomfortable.

Oh, I mean, now that we're,
you know, a couple.

I don't know if I'm ever
gonna be able to think

of this house as mine.

Oh, Tony, this is your place.
This is our place.

No, no, no, I heard you
when you said,

"The minute
me and Michael found it,

we knew it was our dream house."

Oh, but, Tony,
that's all in the past.

You know, it's just that
with us starting out a new life,

wouldn't it be great
to find a place

we could call
our own dream house?

A place where I could carve,
not write, carve

"Tony loves Angela."

I wouldn't put it behind
the refrigerator, either.

That does sound nice.

You know, maybe because this guy
coming in here,

making this offer, it's fate.
It's fate talking to us.

What do you say, Angela?

-Let's start looking tomorrow.
-You mean it?

Oh, Tony, If I can do something
that'll bring us closer

and make me a truckload
of money, I'll do it.

Oh, Angela,
bless your greedy little heart.

[HOOTS] Uh, what a night!

I just wanna put on
a flannel nightgown,

curl up in front
of the fireplace

-with a big bowl of popcorn.
-Me too.

But replace the popcorn
with Jean-Claude Van Damme.

And, lose the flannel nightgown.

-[PHONE RINGING]
-Hello.

Hi, Angela, it's me.

I found the perfect house
but you gotta come
down right away.

Oh, Tony, this is the fourth
great house

you've found this week.
Can't it wait until tomorrow?

Fine, but all you're gonna find
is a sold sign

when you get there, Angela.
It just came on the market,

it's priced to sell. Angela,
this is our dream house.

Tony, I am tired. I am cold.
My feet hurt, my head aches--

Okay, you got him hot.

Now, hit him
with the flannel nightgown.

Angela, you don't understand.
Angela, you don't understand.

When people find out
about this house,
it's gonna be gone like that.

Oh, all right, Tony.
I'll meet you there.

Great, great.
Look, you come down Lincoln,

you make a left on Elm
and a right on Oak.

♪ Oklahoma where
the wind goes ♪

LAVONNE: I've sold
a lot of houses,

but never one with
a kitchen like this.

TONY: Angela, I can't wait
for you to see this

but do me a favor,
close your eyes

-before you come in.
-ANGELA: Why?

I can't see anything
anyway.

TONY: The storm is over.
We should have

electricity back on pretty soon.

LAVONNE: In any event,
everything here

has been updated.
The refrigerator is--

TONY: A brand-new subzero,


with double doors and a crisper
with its own thermostat.

When I move that baby,
I'll really get a workout.

LAVONNE: The most unique feature
about this kitchen is--

[ANGELA SCREAMS]

TONY: The island range,
which I think you just found.

-LAVONNE: It also has the--
-TONY: Built-in microwave,

convection oven,

and a greenhouse window
for my violets.

Everything a man could want.

LAVONNE: I haven't had
to say anything.

-You're doing all the--
-TONY: Selling!

Selling, that's right,
I'm selling,

because there are three people
ready to make a bid

on this house so we gotta come
up with an offer tonight.

-ANGELA: Gee, I don't know.
-TONY: Angela,

I'm going to take you in here
and show you something

that will make up your mind.

-Stand right there.
-ANGELA: Tony...

-TONY: Stand right there.
-...this is a very big decision.

I don't know that I can ma--
Oh, wow!

-TONY: Huh, Angela?
-[ANGELA GASPS]

Our own lake.

A lake, Angela.

Listen. Listen to
the gentle sounds of nature.

LAVONNE: Look, people,
peg and groove!

Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Other buyers.
Other buyers, I told you.

Go in the kitchen
and make rat noises.

Good idea.

LAVONNE: The rest of this house
is so fabulous!

Wait till you see,
this is the kitchen.

You got kids?
I want you to see this room.

It's so-- trust me,
it's fabulous.

The French doors
look out onto the lake.

Wait till you see the view.
You're gonna die.

[ALL SCREAM]

Come out, come out,
my little rats. It's clear.

-Tony, that wasn't very nice.
-Nice? Nice Angela?

Nice don't cut it
in the real estate game.

-Right, Lavonne?
-Right!

And anyway, I did it for us
so we could have all this.

-Oh, Tony, it is beautiful.
-Take a look again.

Take a look again, Angela.

We could have this every day.
Every day, we could have this

When you come home
from the city,

hot, tired, and stressed out,

we could climb
into our own little boat,

and you could unwind

while you row me
to the opposite shore.

-Let's make it our dream house.
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

-LAVONNE: Yes, let's.
-TONY: Oh!

Oh, ladies, ladies, I'm just
gonna have to warn you.

I'm gonna have to carry you
over the threshold

one at a time. [CHUCKLES]

Sam, breakfast.

Bravo. Bravo.

-Good morning!
-Morning!

-Good morning!
-Did you tell them yet?

No, I wanted us to be
together when I tell them.

Everybody, big news.

We put in an offer
on the new house.

Isn't that wonderful?

-Without asking us?
-How could you?

Thanks a lot.

I wish we had a camera
to capture their childlike joy.

There wasn't a phone there
last night

-and there was no electricity.
-Great.

We're moving to Amish country.

No, it's a great house!
It's a great house!

It's got everything,
including its own lake.

Really, with a dock?

-Yes.
-Yes. And, oh, mother,

a beautiful guest house for you

with a fireplace
and big, high ceilings.

Really? How high?

You could swing from a trapeze.

Have you been watching?

And Sam, you may want
to stay with us more often.

You'll have your own room

with private bath
and separate entrance.

Oh, great so, I could come
in late at night

and no one would be the wiser.

Or I could just come in
at a reasonable hour,

which is so much more Sam.

-Can't wait to see it, eh?
-[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Now, hold on, hold on.

Hello. Oh, hello, Lavonne.
It's Lavonne, the realtor.

Hey, Lavonne, is there
such a thing as two-day escrow?

Two-day escrow-- You get that?
It's like a real estate--

Anyway... What?

What? You're kidding?
Oh, that's terrible.

Okay-- No, no. We'll be there.
You bet. We'll be there.

What's wrong?
Did we lose the house?

No, not yet.

but another couple put in
the exact same offer as us

and now, the owner wants
to meet both families

to decide who he'll sell
the house to.

Oh, that's no problem. We'll
just be on our best behavior,

show them what a nice,
respectable family we are.

Does this mean
I have to wear underwear?

No, of course not.

It's not like, we're going
to meet the queen.

Of course you got
to wear underwear!

I want you to know, Mr. Baker,
that we would take care

of your house just as well
as you have.

We would take care of it better.

Not better than you, Sir.
Better than them.

Yes, because I'm
a professional housekeeper.

Oh, really?

How are you going to make
the mortgage payments?

She's rich.

You know, I think this is about
more than just money.

It's about human emotions.

-Oh, brother.
-Tony, shh!

In fact, our little Katie here
wrote a poem

to express those emotions.
Go ahead, sweetheart.

My House, by Katie Havlock.

"All I want is a room somewhere,

far away
from the cold night air,

with one enormous chair.

-Oh, wouldn't it be lovely--"
-Oh, wait a minute!

She didn't write that!

-Take it easy. She's five.
-I don't care.

She's a plagiarist.

If I were you,

I'd take a second look
at her refrigerator drawings.

TONY: You tell her, yes!

Uh, I thought it was very nice,
Katie.

Oh, yeah? Well, my little Sam
has written a poem also.

-What?
-Yes!

-Dad, I don't have a poem.
-I want this house.

-Wing it!
-Dad!

Home by Samantha Micelli.

"Home...

What makes a house a home?
Uh...

An island range,
an indoor grill.

-Oh, what a thrill."
-It's good, it's good.

"A step-saver kitchen,
sure is bitchin".

Thank you, Sam. Thank you!

I think you've given us all
something to think about.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

For this, I put on underwear.

Thank you very much.
I think I've seen all

I need to see.

We're in.

Mr. Baker, if it seems as though
we're a little overzealous,

it's because we are.

We think you have
a beautiful home and,

whoever you sell it to
will be very lucky.

-Isn't that right, Tony?
-Well, yes. Yes.

They seem
like a very fine family.

It's just that, you know,

the reason we would like
to get this house

Because Angela and I are--
We're going to get married

and we'd like to start
our new life

in a place
that we can really call ours.

You can understand it,
can't you?

Well, actually, I can.

Matter of fact, my wife and I
started out

-in this house 40 years ago.
-TONY: Oh!

It's wonderful place
for newlyweds.

TONY: Well, here we are.

And I think a couple like you
could be very happy here.

Well, wait a minute.
I'm planning to divorce her.

And then,
I'll marry somebody else.

-And, I'll be a newlywed, too.
-Oh, Garry.

Daddy, are you and mommy
getting divorced?

If you hadn't ripped off
My Fair Lady,

we'd own this place.

-Well, congratulations.
-Thank you.

I hope you and Angela
are as happy here

-as my wife and I were.
-Thank you, Mr. Baker.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Great poem, Sam.
Great poem.

Hey, and Katie, I'm sorry
you didn't get the house,

But let me tell you, okay?

Anytime you want to come back
and use the lake,

you can do that.

-[TONY GROANS]
-[ALL GASP]

You little shin-kicking
plagiarist.

Come here, you little--
Come here! Out of my house!

Out of my house!

I must say you folks
are getting an incredible price

for your house.
Especially in this market.

Well, Jack's already


let's hope he's not having
second thoughts

-about buying our house.
-What are you worried--?

Don't worry about a thing.
I'll close this deal.

I'll simply tell him
that because of his offer,

we bought a house that
we couldn't otherwise afford

and he can't back out.
We need his money.

Every penny of it
or we're dead, dead!

You understand me? Dead!

That's one approach.

We could not let on
how desperate we are.

Oh, right. Right, right.
We got to be cool.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Never let them see you sweat.

Hey, Jack! What brings you by?

Oh, that's right.
You're buying the house.

Aw, you know,

I'm kind of la-de-da about that,
in case you haven't noticed.

Okay, let's close this deal.

Well, if you insist.
La-de-da, la-de-da.

Here are the escrow papers.

Look 'em over, sign them
and the house is yours.

[SIGHS] I can't believe
all this is going to be mine.

Oh, well, wait a minute.
Not all of it.

The blonde comes with me.

I got a lot of plans
for this place.

Oh, really, really?
What kind of plans, Jack?

Well, first, I wanna get rid
of the wallpaper

-and paint the room white.
-I think

you're a hundred percent right.

I hated this grandma wallpaper,
huh?

And I'm gonna knock out
that window,

put in French doors
out to a new patio.

But-- but wait a minute.
That's where my herb garden is.

Was. And right off the patio,

I'm gonna put in
a paddle tennis court.

Is there room?

Yeah, if you tear up
the picket fence.

No!

Yeah, I measured.

No, I mean, Jonathan and I,
we put that picket fence

up together. I mean, actually,

I tricked him
into whitewashing it.

You'll never guess how.

Well, it's firewood now.

I love that fence.

You can build another one.
Sign, Jack--

No, no, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.

What other changes
do you have planned?

Minor stuff,
gonna gut the kitchen,

tear down the guest house,
and push that wall out
for a rumpus room.

Wait. That means
you have to chop down

-the old oak tree?
-It's just a tree.

Just a tree?
What are you talking about?

First of all, it's old.
And, second of all,

Angela and I, we used to sit
in the swing

under the tree
and watch the sunset.

You won't be able see it
anyway once I put in

the satellite dish.

What are you talking about?

Why do you wanna buy the place
if you're gonna change it all?

Sentimental value.

I'll ki-- I'm not letting you
do that.

-Stop him, please!
-Tony, "la-de-da, la-de-da."

No, Angela. I'm not gonna let
him ruin our house.

-Our house?
-Yeah! This is our house.

I mean, you can't chop down
the oak tree

and block out the sun. I mean,
where do you get off?

Do you realize
you just said, "our house"?

So what if I did?

I did, didn't I, huh?

Well, it is our house.

Hey, Angela, There's a lot
of you and me in this house.

I'm not gonna stand by
while some yuppie cheeseball

guts our memories.

Why not? He's paying for it.

You can't put a price
on memories, Lavonne.

Yes, you can! Look!

What about our dream house?

The one we just bought?
With the lake?

This is our dream house, Angela.
This is it and I--

I don't wanna give it up.
I love it here.

So do I, I always have,
but are you sure you do?

Am I sure? Am I sure?

What does that look like?

A lonely, confused man.

Would you please tell him
what a great deal this is?

I'm sorry, Lavonne.
The deal is off.

-[LAVONNE SCOFFS]
-All right. Very shrewd.

How about I write down
another number?

No, no, Jack please.
No more numbers, okay?

Now, this place
may be your past,

but it's our future.

And we can't be bought.

There are plenty of people
who can,

and I represent most of them.

Hey, would you like to buy
your old high school?

Is it available?

You can turn the science lab
into a rumpus room, la-dee-da.

-Home sweet home.
-Oh, Tony.

We're going to have such
a wonderful life here together.

Yes, yes, yes. And, you know,
the best part is,

our other dream house
is only two miles away.

TONY: 'Who's the Boss?'
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

Um, I'm sorry, Mr. Baker

but we're gonna have
to back out.

It says here
that the pipes are old.

I'll replace them.

And the wiring isn't up to code.

I'll redo it.

Did we mention that
we're gonna gut the kitchen,

blow out that window,

dig up all your roses,
and fill in the lake.

Son, as long as
your check clears,

you can put in
a toxic waste dump.

Oh.

Mr. Baker, the truth is,
we didn't sell our house

and we can't afford
to buy yours.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I'll just sell it
to the other couple.

-The deal is off.
-Oh, thank you, Mr. Baker.

[expl*si*n]

It's a gusher! Oil! Black gold!
Texas tea!

-We're rich! We're rich!
-Mr. Baker. Mr. Baker!

No, Mr. Baker.

[♪♪♪]