08x13 - Mrs. Al

[bunniefuu]

Oh, man.

Okay, okay.
I only have the weekend

to come up with a campaign
for this new product.

-So, I really need your help.
-Okay, no problemo.

-All right, it's called Le Fizz.
-Yeah.

-They love it in France.
-Yeah? No kidding.

It's a thirst quencher
for athletes.

-Ooh.
-So,

as an athlete,
would you taste it

and give me
your honest reaction?

[GRUNTS] Yes.

That's funny.
That's just what Jonathan said.

You gave this to a child?

Well, yes. I'm trying
to get a variety of opinions

to help me find a slogan.

How about, "If swallowed,
induce vomiting?"

Now, Angela, please.
I-- I gotta tell you

you got your work cut out
for you with this stuff.

Well, Tony, it may take
some getting used to

but it's really good for you.

See, it's chock-full
of all kinds of things.

"Magnesium, Calcium, Zinc,
Potassium, and Iron."

No wonder it tastes like dirt.

I'm-- I'm gonna hose out
my mouth. [GROANS]

Oh, hiya, Al. Hey, did you
find an apartment yet?

-[TONY GARGLES]
-Yeah, yeah.

They'll never let me in.

-TONY: Oh,
-Yeah, he's been turned down

at a dozen places.
You would not believe

the discrimination out there.

No one wants to rent
to a young, single person.

No matter how good-looking
you are.

The worst part is
that his building

goes condo in a week.

Oh, I wish there was--
there was something

I could do to help, you know.

Well, you know, actually,
there is, you know.

I'm putting you down
as a reference,

so, when the guy calls,
tell him you're my landlord,

you know. Say I've been
a great tenant,

I-- I'm responsible, honest,
and I'm a neurosurgeon.

No, why not just put down
secretary of state?

I ain't being
nobody's secretary.

Al, Al, why don't you

just have him call
your real landlord?

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, that's a good one, Tone.

That's like
getting your real parents

to sign your report card.

[SAM LAUGHS] Right.

What Al means, Dad,
is his landlord hates him.

And he needs this place.

And if he has to stretch
the truth a little

to get it, I don't see
what the big deal is?

Oh, you don't see
what the big deal is?

It is a big deal, Samantha.
You understand?

You should never lie, never.
Period.

Yeah, well, you see it as lying,

I see it as helping a friend
who's a victim of prejudice.

You know, I just wish
people could look past

you know, the greased hair,
the leather jacket,

and the rebellious demeanor
to see the real me.

Give me the guy's name
and address, all right.

I'll write you
a letter of recommendation.

It'll say all the great things
about you,

and the best part is
it'll all be true.

Short, but true.

Hey, Sam. Let's face it. Uh,
a letter ain't going to work.

They'd rather rent
to some boring,

stay-at-home married guy,
than a free-wheeling

single dude like me.

Well, it's not fair.

And we're
not going to take it, Al.

I'm gonna help you
get that apartment.

Well, you'll say
you're my old landlord?

Better. I'll be your wife.

Uh, then we're going to need
a bigger place.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ So take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Hey, Sam. Marriage is
an awfully drastic step

for just an apartment.

Al, relax.
We won't really be married.

We'll just pretend
for the interview.

Oh, I get it.
Oh, that's a great idea!

You and me, man and wife,
till death do us part.

Which should be the second
Tony finds out.

No, Mona, it's just a ruse
to get Al an apartment.

I'm gonna play his wife
so his landlord thinks

-he's mature and responsible.
-Mm. Sounds good.

Now, who's going to play Al?

Hey, how about Johnny Depp?

No, Al.
You're gonna be yourself.

-It'll-- it'll work perfectly.
-Oh, well, there's one problem.

You know, the landlord
already saw you.

-He knows you're not my wife.
-Oh, God, you're right.

Okay, but it was only
for a minute, right?

I mean, some-- with some make-up

and stuff
he'll never recognize me.

You're a beautician,
you can give me a new look.

Yeah, and you could use it too.

-Al.
-Hey, even a fake marriage

should be built on honesty.

All right. Hey, here you go, Al.

One glowing testament
to your character, huh?

It's honest, straight forward,
truthful, and accurate,

and that's the kind
of pandering

that stretches to a full,
two pages, huh?

-Uh-huh. Thanks a lot, Tone.
-Uh, go ahead. I know,

now, no need to lie, right?

-You're right, Dad. Absolutely.
-No, absolutely.

That's right,
you get your good friends

to vouch for you, huh,
what else do you need?

Well, two months’ rent
and a security deposit.

Who is this punk?
You know this guy? I don't.

Hey, Sam! Hey, Sam!

SAM: In a minute!
I'm fixing my face!

There's a guy
breaking into a car down there.

Boy, does this place
have a view!

-Well?
-Whoa!

I sure turned you
into a silk purse.

You don't think
this is a little trashy

for what we're trying
to pull off, Al?

Oh, what do you mean?

I made you in the image
of my own sainted mother.

My mistake.

So, are you sure
he's not going to recognize me?

Ah, no, no way. But you might
want to work on your voice.

You know,
you gotta think blonde.

Oh, there--
Hello, Mr. Chomsky.

You again, huh?

Yeah, this time I brought along
the little woman.

Uh, my wife, uh

-Candy.
-Yeah.

Pleased to meet ya.

The wife, huh?

-He never mentioned you before.
-He forgets he even has a wife.

You see, I'm-- I'm a stewardess.
And I'm on the road a lot.

Well, actually,
I'm not on the road.

I'm in the air. I mean,

if airplanes were on the road,
then what would be the point?

Yeah, I can sure pick 'em,
can't I?

Ain't love grand, huh?

-Have a seat.
-SAM: Uh.

Oh, uh-uh.

There you go, baby. All clean.

I ain't sat in dirt
since we've been married.

Oh, Mr. Chomsky,
this place is so beautiful.

Al and I would be so happy here.

You look familiar.
Have we ever met before?

Uh, no-- I mean,
I don't think so.

I mean, I never forget a face,

especially a handsome
and distinguished one

like yours.

[CHUCKLES] Well...

-I don't know about that one.
-[SAM CHUCKLES]

Hey, you two want to be alone?

Al! [CLICKS TONGUE]

He's the jealous type,
but I love him.

Give us the apartment
Mr. Chomsky.

And we promise
we'll be model tenants.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Well, I do like
that you're married, you know.

Me, too. I just hate it
when I have to leave him.

Don't worry. I'll water him
while you're gone.

Ugh! Ooh!

Okay. Okay, all right.

Let's just-- we'll get off
the taste for a minute.

Oh, thank you.

Le Fizz is for athletes.

-Le Fizz is physical.
-Mmm?

-Ooh, ooh...
-Mm, mm?

-...that's good. I like that.
-Mm-hmm.

Let's free-associate
for a minute.

-Okay.
-You've just had

an exhausting workout,

you pushed your body to the max.
What do you say?

Thank you, Max.

Whoa! Hey, you know what?
You played great.

-Good game. I'm wiped out.
-[MONA SIGHS]

Me, too.
Oh, I'm dying of thirst.

Come to life with Le Fizz.

I'll just wring out
my sweat shirt and drink that.

Probably be easier to sell.

I'm not giving up.
I can sell anything to anybody.

I could sell refrigerators
to Eskimos.

[CHUCKLES] Not if you fill them
with Le Fizz.

-Oh, oh, look at this.
-What-- what is it?

No, it's that letter
of recommendation

that I wrote for Al. You know,

-he's got that interview today.
-MONA: Mm-hmm.

[CLICKS TONGUE]
He must've left it behind.

You know, what was he thinking?

-Al?
-Yeah.

Well, my guess would be,

"Uh, breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out."

Yeah, you heard me.
I got a better place.

I'm out
of your stinking apartment.

As of now!
Hey, I-- I ain't afraid of you,

no matter how big you are,
or how many tattoos you got.

Gee! That's one mean, old lady.

Well, it's all
in the past now, Al.

We did it. Welcome
to Greenwich Village.

Yeah, me in the Village.
Hug me. I'm hip.

Whoo!

Hey, uh, Al, Al. Oh--

Well, you-- you know,
you forgot this,

but I didn't know
you had company there, Al,

-I'm sorry. Take your time.
-[SAM GASPS]

Oh, bathroom, quick.

-Excuse us.
-Oh, sure, sure.

Ow! [GROANS]

S--

Samantha?

The name's Candy.
Pleased to meet ya.

Wait a minute!

What are you doing?
What are you--

What are you doing here
dressed up

like some-- some cheap floozy?

Oh, what is this,
take-shots-at-Al's-mom day?

Uh, hey, I got the lease
all filled out.

You and the missus
are just a signature away

-from your own place.
-The missus?

[CHUCKLES] Father of the bride.

Yeah, yeah. The father's
always the last to know.

What's going on here, Sam?

Sam? I thought
your name was Candy.

SAM: Uh...

Oh, no. You're a guy.

No, Mr. Chomsky.
Everything's fine.

Could you just
give us a minute, please?

You got a minute.

Okay, I want an explanation
and I want it now.

Dad, calm down.

We were just pretending
to be married

so we could get Al
this apartment.

Oh, I understand.

How could you get my daughter
involved in a con like this?

Da-- Dad, it's not his fault.
It was all my idea.

-Your idea?
-SAM: Yea--

I don't believe this.

I mean, I-- I ask you
for honesty, what do I get?

I get deceit and treachery and--
and an obscene amount of rouge.

Well, Dad,
I had to do something.

You know how the landlords
in the city can be.

It's just-- it's not fair.

Well, two wrongs
don't make a right, Sam.

Don't you know that
honesty is the best policy,

and cheaters never prosper,

and "O, what a tangled web
we weave

when first we practice
to deceive."

Well, I had to fight fire
with fire.

Oh, please,
spare me your tired cliches.

Oh!

Guys, please,
I got a landlord waiting.

Hey, look, Al, I can't tell you
what to do, or you,

but I think
you should come clean

with this guy,
you know what I mean?

He-- he'll respect your honesty.
And you'll get the apartment.

-No, I don't think so.
-Well, I do.

Well, you're wrong.

Well, you're going to listen
to this bimbo
who looks like your mother?

Okay. Time is up.
What's going on here?

Do the right thing, Al.

Uh... Mr. Chomsky, um,

I got to be honest with you.

She and I ain't really married,
you know.

We made up the whole thing
so, I can just live here.

Is that so?

Uh, is that a big man or what,
Mr. Chomsky, huh?

At the risk of losing something
very important,

very important to him,
he came clean,

I mean, he was honest.
You got to respect that, right?

Right?

I was wrong.

So, uh, Al is staying here?
How nice.

-[CHUCKLES]
-How long?

[CHUCKLES] Well, not--
not as long as it looks.

Got to get back to work.

Hey, hey, look, Angela,
I know this is a bad time

and I know you're busy,
and stressed out,

but-- but Al had no place to go.

Well, technically,
I did have a place.

-What happened?
-Dad showed up.

Hey, you have no right
to point fingers,

Miss-- Miss-- Miss

"Where there's a wig,
there's a way."

Do not touch my hair!

Oh, well, why,
what-- you're going to use it

-to con somebody else?
-Oh, please, Dad,

you're making it out
like I-- like I robbed a bank.

Well, you already got
your disguise.

Look, I just did
what I thought was right.

-Oh, you thought that was right?
-Yes!

Oh, Samantha, how could you
think that was right?

Guys, guys, please! Please.

I have a lot of work to do here.
I'm on a deadline.

Yes, please,

the lady's obviously got
a lot of work to do here.

Hey, I know what it's like
to be under the g*n.

Al, you're sitting
on my layouts.

-Oh, no!
-Thank you.

-Did I get ink on my butt?
-Oh--

Sorry, Angela,

because first thing
tomorrow morning,

Al and I are gonna go
apartment hunting.

Yeah, well, wh-- what's the plan
this time?

Dreadlocks, and you go
as Whoopi Goldberg?

I do not have to listen to this.

Oh, yeah, right,
like you ever listen to me!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]
How do you like that one, huh?

How do you--
Where did I lose her?

-Well, I think maybe a little--
-I mean, posing as Al's wife,

and talking to her father
like that.

-Well, I'm sure that Sam--
-She doesn't even listen!

-Must run in the family.
-[TONY GRUMBLES]

Uh, I, uh,
I have a lot of work, Tony.

-It's late.
-Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Angela.
We'll just get out of your hair,

-right, Al?
-Yeah, right.

Don't worry about me.
You won't even know I'm here.

[AL SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

ANGELA: What? What?
What's going on?

What's going on with Al?

I don't know, maybe--

maybe the spring
in the couch gave.

-Al, Al, are you okay?
-[SCREAMS]

For crying out,
what's the idea?

You were screaming, Al.

Yeah, sure I was.
You scared the heck out of me.

Hey, I heard a man scream,

and it didn't come
from my place.

TONY: Oh.

-What's going on?
-Al was screaming in his sleep.

-Oh.
-No way. I sleep like a corpse.

Yeah, one that was buried alive.

We all heard you, Al.

Ah, I get it.
You're gaslighting me.

You do this
to all your house guests?

Oh, yeah. It's one of our
quaint Connecticut customs.

You know,
you must've had a nightmare.

What were you dreaming about?

Little yellow bunnies.

Al, did you have a Le Fizz
before you went to bed?

Uh, I'm sorry.
Did-- did I leave the seat up?

Good night, Al.

Yeah, nighty-night, Al.
Hey, Al.

♪ Here comes Peter Cotton... ♪

-Oh.
-Oh, would you, Mona, please?

-[TONY GROANS]
-Wait, now I'm all worked up.

I'll never get back to...

[SNORES]

Kids a bundle of nerves.

Could I see you
in the kitchen, please?

Yeah sure, Angela. Sure.

[ANGELA CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, look, Angela,
I'm really sorry

about bringing him here.
You know, I had no idea

he was a screamer.

Tony, I didn't need this.
I need my sleep.

-I know, I know--
-If I don't come up

-with campaign by tomorrow...
-I understand.

-...I'm gonna lose the account.
-I understand that, Angela.

But--
But what else could I do?

Mind your own business.
Everything would've been fine

if you'd just let them get away
with their harmless,
little scam.

I don't believe this.

Am I the last honest man
in America?

-Yes, Tony, you are.
-[CLICKS TONGUE]

But there was nothing
I could do,

the guy had no place to go.

Well, why did you
have to bring him here?

Couldn't you leave him
with Mrs. Rossini or Tiny

or Bellevue?

I don't believe this.

Am I the last responsible man
in America?

Yes, Tony, you are. And I am
the last ad executive in America

to go to bed tonight.

All right, Angela, please,
don't be mad.

Look-- look, look,
you're upset now,

but once you got
a good night sleep

-you'll feel better.
-[SCREAMS]

The bunnies are back.

[AL SCREAMS]

-Tony.
-Yeah.

Pass the milk.

We're out.

Yo! Good morning!

I feel great.

Oh, it's so quiet out here
in the country.

I slept like a log.

I wonder if he'd float like one.

When Sam shows up,

tell her I'm upstairs
getting dressed.

Oh, boy, I almost hope
I don't find a place.

I'm going to hate
to leave here.

No, no, Angela, Angela.

Tony, all night,
the screaming never stopped.

I know. I know,
middle of the night,

the airport called
to complain about the noise.

I used to like bunnies.

I've got to stop.
I've got to focus.

I've got to forget
about last night.

I've got to go to work.
Hey, Le Fizz is...

a scream. Yes!

That's it! That's it!

That's stupid! I'm so tired.

-[DOORBELL DINGS]
-Hi.

Oh, hey, everybody,
look who's here.

It's Candy, the stewardess.

What-- what you got a stopover
in Connecticut there, Candy?

Very funny. Where's Al?

He's upstairs getting dressed.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

What's the in-flight
movie today, The Sting?

Look, I'll be in the other room
waiting for Al.

Oh, you're a good wife, Sam.

-Nice.
-What? What-- what did I do?

Nothing, just teasing
your daughter unmercifully

for the last two days.

I'm trying to get through to her
any way I can.

[SCOFFS] Well,
by picking on her?

Yes, I'm desperate. I mean--
I-- I tell her how I feel,

about her doing something

and she goes out
and does the opposite.

Well, she does have a mind
of her own.

Oh, I know, she's an adult.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Well, all I know is
that I always thought

my opinion would count
for something with her,

no matter how old she got.

You know,
you're just lucky that--

that you don't have
these problems with him.

He's a good boy.

Hey, uh, Sam,
there's some cornflakes

in there for you.
All you got to do is, you know

pull Jonathan's head
out of the bowl,

and help yourself.

No, thanks. Come on, Al!

-AL: I'm doing my hair!
-Well, mousse it and move it!

Hey, you guys do sound
like a married couple, huh?

That is it! Okay?

I've had it up to here
with your taunting.

I liked it better when you--
when you screamed and shouted

instead of this-- this picking,
and needling, and mocking.

-It is driving me crazy.
-Oh, sure, Sam.

Like you even hear me.

Yeah, that's why
my stomach is upset

and my face is breaking out.

-Really?
-Yes.

Oh, yeah, you're right.
Look, there's a big one there.

Look at that.
Oh, I-- I did that?

-Yes.
-And I made

-your stomach upset, too?
-Tied in knots.

Oh, honey, that's wonderful.

-Oh! [SMOOCHES]
-It is?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, well, then this
will really make your day.

I have gum disease. Let's party!

No, uh, sweetheart,
you don't understand.

Here, sit down. Sit down.

I'm-- I'm just happy that I--

that I still have some influence
on you.

And I haven't lost you.

No, no, you still have
a big effect

on me, unfortunately.

Oh, sweetheart, I--
I never meant to hurt you.

Well, Dad, you did.

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Well, it's just--

It's just that I have
very strong feelings

about what's right and wrong,

and especially
where you're concerned.

I-- I didn't move you out
to Connecticut

so, you could put on a blond wig
and pull some two-bit scam.

Like you did
when you were a kid?

I never wore a blond wig.

I just thought that you'd be,
you know, better than me.

[SCOFFS] Well, Dad, I am.

And what I did
was small potatoes

compared to the stunts
you used to pull. Dad--

I've heard all the stories.

Did you hear the one
about the, uh,

the embassy theater
and the ball bearings?

Uh, no.

Uh, it never happened.
Never mind.

So, if you've done
what I have and worse...

why are you being
so hard on me?

Because, Sam, I'm sort of like,
I'm like an ex-smoker.

You know what I mean,
I can't stand

to see people doing
what I used to do,

especially you.

Well, Dad, no one got hurt.
I was--

I was just trying
to help a friend,

you know,
like you've always done.

Dad, I-- I grew up hearing
those stories, too.

-You-- you heard those stories?
-Yes.

Well, I guess, I can--
I sorta understand

what you were trying to do,
you know.

I-- I don't necessarily approve,
but...

I understand.

[CLICKS TONGUE]
That's all I wanted to hear.

Aw, thank you.

Does this say quiet,
responsible tenant or what?

-Al, are you out of your--
-Uh.

Dad, if he doesn't get
this apartment,

you're gonna be the one
that has to answer to Angela.

Shalom.

Yo!

TONY: Who's the Boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

-Tony, hurry up.
-TONY: Okay,

okay, okay, I'm coming.
I'm coming, I'm coming.

You'll miss the premiere
of my Le Fizz commercial.

Okay, but you know,
I just wish that I,

you know, I could've helped you
more with it.

Are you kidding? You were
the entire inspiration for this.

-Shh, shh, it's starting.
It's starting.
-Oh.

[CAN POPS]

[LE FIZZ POURING, FIZZING]

ANNOUNCER:
Le Fizz, it's French for...

[BELCHES, COUGHS]
Anything that tastes this bad

must be good for you.

♪ Le Fizz ♪

-Ah!
-Oh.

-Well?
-That was great. It was great.

You know
they can never accuse you

of false advertising, either.

-A toast!
-Hey. [CHUCKLES]

-Nah.
-Nah.

[♪♪♪]