08x18 - Better Off Wed: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Last week
on Who's the Boss...

So, how'd it go with your dad?
Did you tell him?

Well, actually, I told him
how terrific you were,

and he wants you to come
to his wedding.

That's nice.
Did you invite
him to ours?

I'm real sorry
about coming on so
strong back there.

It's just--
Can I ask you one question?

Why a puppeteer?

Well, because I wasn't
into medicine.

but entertaining children
is something I love.

You're getting married?
Yes!

What do you think
dad's gonna say?

[TONY SCREAMS]

[THUDS]

If anybody's life is
getting short-changed here,

it's my daughter's
because your son,

your son talked her
into getting married

way too young!

Our son never talked
about dropping out

of medical school
until he met your daughter.

Those two will get married
over my dead body.

Please, don't try
to cheer me up.

Don't talk to
my husband like that.

And don't talk to my--
Tony like that.

And-- and take
off my apron.

Oh, excuse me,
Angela, but that
happens to be my apron.

Gee, why am I
not surprised?
Oh!

We get on the interstate
and it's about, uh,



Are-- are you sure
we're doing the right thing?

If we want to
be together...

do we have any choice?

NARRATOR: And now, the show.

They're gone.

Yes. So is Hank's car.
Oh, no.

I just put a coffee cake
in the oven.

Who the hell cares?

E-- excuse me.
When I get nervous,

I have a uncontrollable
need to feed people.

Yeah, well, you must
get nervous a lot.

Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

Mom, Mom,
here's your car keys.

What are you
doing with 'em?
Well, Sam asked me

to move the car,
so they could get out.

[STAMMERS]
You saw Sam and Hank?

Yeah.
[STAMMERS]
What'd they say?

"Move the car, creep."

That's all they said?
They didn't tell you

where they were going?
No.

[STAMMERS] Which way'd they go?
Which way'd they go?

Hey, who are you,
Hopalong Cassidy?

I am just trying to get a clue
as to where they might've gone!

Well, Sam was reading
a brochure when they left.

Well, what do you mean?
What kind of brochure?

Um, there was a picture
with a blue sky

and a lot of green,
like, like maybe a forest,

and I think
a little stone building.

Oh, no, Tony.
That's a brochure
of the chapel

that I was showing you.
A chapel?

This building,
what did it look like?

Gee, I-- I don't know.
Wa-- was there a steeple,

stained glass, a cross,
anything?

Well, I--
Think, boy, think!

Do I know you?

It's gone. I put the
brochure on the table
and now it's gone.

Oh, great, great.
They went to get married.

Joe, eat this.

All right, look, Angela,
you saw this brochure,

where-- where
is this place?

Uh...
Think, woman, think!

Uh--
Not so fun,
is it, Mom?

Okay, okay.
Ah, let me see.

Remember, it said--
Oh, it was nestled

near a sparkling brook,
in a magical forest--

I want highway numbers!

I want exits,
I don't want never never land!

A little chapel of love,

Highway 61,
off the Unionville exit.

Great. Let's go,
let's go, let's go.

Hold it, hold it.
Are you two eloping?

No. Sam is.
Excuse me.

Oh, oh, poor Tony.
First, you get tied to a car,

then you fall off a roof,

and now your only daughter
runs off with a puppeteer.

[TUTS]

[LAUGHS]

God, you amuse me! [LAUGHS]

Can we go now?
We're going, too.

Okay, fine.
Just remember,
no fighting,

no blaming, no name-calling.

We have to present
a united front.

I agree.
Me, too.

We're in this together.
Right. I'll drive.

Like hell!
I got a Mercedes!

Well, I got a jeep,
and jeeps beat the Nazis!

So I win!

Fish lady!

Not a good time, Mrs. Rossini.
Let's go! Move it, move it.

What? Where's everybody going?
I got 50 pounds of mussel here.

You call that muscle?

Okay, I'm sorry, Mrs. R.
Look, here's the deal,

Sam is eloping.
[GASPS]

Okay. We're
going after her...
No.

...trying to make her stop.
But now, listen,

you guys stay here in case,
they call or come back, okay?

Okay. Oh,
and one more thing,
very important,

very important.
What?

[SCOFFS] There's a
coffee cake in the oven.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ Open road and a road
That's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

All right,
all right, here.

The way I figure it,
we are--

we're ten,


We keep up this pace,

we'll intercept them
at the Unionville exit.

Maybe we can slow down
a little bit,

so we're alive
when we intercept them.

If we slow down,
we'll be there in
time to kiss the bride.

Pedal to the metal!
Pedal to the metal!

Well... [MUTTERS]

Oh, no. You are not
smoking that in here.

Don't worry.
I'm not gonna light up.

[SPITS]

Oh, well,
that's attractive.

I thought the
window was down.

I got it.

Ew! They're in my hair!
It's in my hair!

[ANGELA GROANS, SCREAMS]
[TONY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

I see it, I see it.
Here it is, I got it.
Oh! I got it.

[ANGELA AND TONY GROANING]

[GROANS] This swerving
is making me car sick.

Oh, the swerving is
making you car sick?

And Price Charming's
cigar bit didn't?

I may throw up.

Please, this time make sure
the window's down.

She's not good in
the back seat.

You better pull over
and let her switch with Angela.

We don't have time.

Oh, my stars!

All right, all right,
hang on.

Here. I'll move back there
so you can come to the front.

Come on. I know. I know.
I'm trying to drive here.

FRAN: Whoa! Whoa! I'm stuck!
I'm stuck!

I'm going to throw up!

Oh, great.
Now I know

how the Japanese
prime minister felt. Get--

You all right?
[FRAN GROANING]

[FRAN AND ANGELA SIGHS]
JOE: Hey.

All right.
[ANGELA AND FRAN SIGHS]

Better?
[FRAN SIGHS]

Oh.

Hey, we're getting low
on gas here, chief.

Don't worry, huh.
I know my vehicle.

When the needle's on "E",

I still got 26 miles highway,


Uh, Tony, I-- I'm sure Joe was
just trying to be helpful.

Hey, that's strange.
Uh, tell me about it.

Eighteen years,
he's never once mowed the lawn.

What I meant was strange is
there's a car following us.

Last 15 miles, every--
every turn, every lane change.

Is it a cop?
Wait a minute.

JOE: What?
Who are you calling?

[PHONE RINGING]

Mother, are you
following us?

No.

Mother, don't duck down,
you've got to
watch the traffic,

you're gonna have an
accident in my car.

I told them to stay behind.
Give me that phone!

I told you to stay behind!
[CHUCKLES]

And miss the wedding?
Get real. [LAUGHS]

Is Jonathan with you?
Yes, Jonathan's here.

Hey, Mom.
Hi, Tony, I'm here, too!

You must be going crazy!
Can you hear me?

I can hear her.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

What--
what's that?

Huh, can't be any cause
for alarm.

Tony knows his vehicle.

[SIGHS] We can't
be running out of gas.

I mean, I took
everything into account.

Everything, smarty-pants?

Everything
except the extra tonnage

in the back seat.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING, SHUTS OFF]

Great. Now we're
stuck here.

No, we're not.
Mother will see us.

She'll stop and pick us up.
TONY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Mother!

Well, at least,
at least somebody

from the family's gonna
be at the wedding.

MINISTER: This is a sacred union
of man and woman.

So what we have
brought together,

let no man tear asunder.

If there's anyone here
who objects to this union,

let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.

I do.
Uh, not yet.

No. I do object.

It's the puppet
thing, isn't it?

No, Hank, no,
it's not you. It's me.

This just doesn't feel right.

I don't wanna do this
without my father here.

But if your father were here,
he wouldn't let us do it.

Look, I know it's crazy.
I know it's crazy,

but I'm not gonna feel right

unless I, at least,
try to call him.

All right. Okay.
Okay.

Um, do you have a phone
around here?

Uh, right through
the door,

to your left.
Come on.

Excuse me, honey.
What's the puppet thing?

Thanks for coming back
to get us, mother.

Well, I wouldn't have,

if I'd known
I was gonna be trapped

between a Greek
and a fat place.

I am not Greek.
Wait a minute.

Oh, my stars!
You nauseous again,
Frannie?

Everybody roll
down the windows.

It's that smell
like dead fish.
It's crustaceans.

I got 50 pounds of
mussels in the trunk.

You brought
them with us?

Well, if you're going to have
a wedding, you need shellfish.

What if there already
was a wedding?

We would've been
there to say, "I don't",

if somebody hadn't
run out of gas.

Hey, would you
like to step outside?

You wanna fight?
No. I just want you

to step outside.

That's it.
Let me at him!

FRAN: George,
your blood pressure!

Oh, let him pop a vein.
Come on up here!

Come on! Come on!
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[HONK HORNS]
[JONATHAN GROANS]

What's wrong
with you guys?

Look, whether you
like it or not,

you may already be related.

[FRAN VOMITS]

I couldn't have
said it better myself.

There's no answer.

Well?

Well, I guess
we tried.

[PHONE CLANKS]

TONY: Okay, okay.
This is it.

JOE: We're here.
TONY: This is it.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
MONA: Oh, good.

ANGELA: Come on. Hurry up.
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CAR DOORS SHUT]
[WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING]

MINISTER:
By the power vested in me

by the state of Connecticut,

I now pronounce you--
Hold everything!

I object!

I object! This is wrong!
It's a mistake.

It may be legal,
but that doesn't make it right.

Oops.

Uh...
You got a problem

with this, man?
[TONY SCOFFS]

Just ignore him.

There'll always
be people

like him.
Oh!

Will you stop?
No, it wasn't--

It's not like that,
it's not like that.

See, I thought that
she was my daughter,

you know. Oh, no! Wait, no,
not that I would have a problem

with my daughter
marrying you,

you know,
you marrying my daughter,

you know, my-- But-- Hav--
Carry on, carry on. Carry on.

Nice couple.

Dad.

Sam.

Glad you could make it.

Sam... just one question...

are you married yet?
No.

Thank God! Let's go home.
No, Dad.

[TONY PANTS]
MINISTER: I now pronounce you

husband and wife.
[SOBS]

[SOBS] That's so beautiful.
Just like Jungle Fever.

Hank,
we gotta talk.

Sam, Sam,
I-- I just can't believe

that you could--
you could run off to elope

behind my back.
I couldn't!

I tried to call you
to invite you up,

but there was no answer.

We were just trying
to decide what to do.

Well, I'll decide
for you.

You're not getting married
and we're going home.

The only people who are
gonna make that decision

are Hank and me.

But-- but-- but-- but...
[SAM GROANS]

Tony...
But...

...we have to
talk for a second.

But...
Come here.

[WHISPERS] Sam,
while nobody's looking,

take the jag.
It's full of
gas and shellfish.

You could be in
Canada by morning.

He'd only track me
down there, Mona.

[LIP SMACKS]
He didn't track you down.

I told him--

Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

Stop! Stop and listen.
But-- but--

This is what
you're going to do.

You're gonna go to Sam
and you're gonna tell her

you made a
terrible mistake.

But--
I said listen!

You're going to apologize

and you're going to admit
that you overreacted,

and that drove
them away.

And if they are going
to get married,

you want them to do it
in their own way

and in their own time.

Yeah?

And that'll give us time
to break their will

and knock some
sense into them.

Oh, Angela,
you're sneaky.

[CHUCKLES] You're evil.

Thank goodness
you're on my side.

[SHUDDERS]
Don't ever cross me.

Mm.

But-- but-- but-- but-- but--
I'm sorry, Dad.

I believe in
what I'm doing.

Joe, Fran, I got something
to say to the kids.

Go ahead. You got my permission
to knock some sense into them.

All right. Kids...

I'm sorry.
Huh?

We overreacted, Joe.
We overreacted, and--

and that's what
drove you to do this.

I mean, it's--
it's our immaturity

that's-- that's robbing you
of a-- of a wonderful wedding.

So if you
want to come home

and plan the wedding
of your dreams...

you have our blessing.

That does sound nice.
TONY: Great.

And then you'd have
a lot more time

to talk us
out of it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Oh, no,
no, no!

Dad, forget it.
It's not gonna work.

I told you it was
a dumb idea!
Okay-- Oh, honey.

Honey. I just, I didn't want you
to rush into anything.

You could make
a terrible mistake.

Of course.
You're so young.

I mean, not that
you have to wait
eight years like we did.

That may not be
the best idea either.

You know, sometimes I wonder
why we waited so long.

Maybe four, five years
would've been plenty,

but you know,
we had to keep waiting--

I mean, I could've maybe--
Eye on the ball, Angela.

Eye on the ball.
SAM: Look,

look, I know
that we rushed up here

and it wasn't planned.

But now that we're here,
it just-- it feels right.

Doesn't it?

Let's tell the minister
we're ready.

Sam.
Hank.

I don't believe this.
They're going to get married.

Yeah, and there's nothing
we can do about it.

There's nothing
we can do about it.

There's gotta be
something we could do.

I mean, I mean,
something that shows them

that they're throwing away
the rest of their lives.

Oof. [GASPS]
Oh, but it's got to be

something dramatic, Joe.
Something,

something very dramatic.

Heart attack.
Ooh, a heart attack.

Great idea, Joe.
You're a genius.

You're a genius.
[JOE GROANS]

Oh, wait, wait, wait,
don't overdo it.

Now, save some
for the kids.

Kids, look
what you're doing here.

You're k*lling
your father.

Oh, you're turning blue.
Nice touch. Go, go, go.

Oh, I don't believe this.
What's going on?

Joe! Oh, my stars!
Wait a minute.

He's really having
a heart attack?

[SOBS] Oh, my stars!

Breathe. Get back.
Breathe! Breathe!

TONY: Thank-- thanks very much,
you guys. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank God, it was only stress.
I'm fine, I'm fine.

Joe, I was so scared.

Me, too.

You know...

I think I realized
something...

life is short.

And if, uh, getting married
makes you kids happy, then...

you got my blessing.
[CHUCKLES]

Thanks, Dad.
FRAN: Ah.

Oof! Heart attack!
Heart attack!

Dad, look,
listen, listen.

Look, I know that this
is driving you nuts.

Look, it's been the craziest day
of my life, too, but...

one thing has
worked out right.

Everybody that
I love is here...

and I want to go through
with this.

Okay?

No. No, it's--
it's not okay, Samantha.

Because if you go
through with this,

everyone you love
will not be here.

I cannot stand by and
watch you do something

that I know is wrong.

So, if-- if you go
through with this,

you will be married
without your father.

I said...

this wedding will take place
"Father of the brideless."

Maybe I didn't
make myself clear.

Dad, don't do this, okay?

I want you to be at my wedding
more than anything...

but if you leave now,
I will go ahead without you.

Sam, I-- I don't believe
you would do that.

Dad, Dad, look...

I... [PANTS]
...I love Hank, okay?

And I can't imagine
not being with him.

It's hard to explain.
I don't--

It's like...

it's like you being
without Angela.

Ca-- can't you
understand that?

You...

you better take care
of my little girl.

Oh, I will.

Good.

Well, if...

if you're ready...

I'm ready.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today
to unite in holy matrimony

Samantha Micelli
and Henry Thomopolous.

[SOBS] Thomopolous.
Thomopolous.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[CLEARS THROAT]
As I was saying...

[CLEARS THROAT]
...if there's anyone here

who objects to this union,

let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.

Uh...
SAM: I knew it.

I knew it was
too good to be true.
Let's go to Vegas.

[TONY CHUCKLES] No, no, no, Sam,
Sam, it's-- it's--

it's all right,
it's all right.
It's just that...

I-- I always pictured you
getting married in a long,

flowing white dress,
not-- not black Levis.

Well, Tony, it's too late
to do anything about that now.

Well, actually,
I have a lovely gown

I wore the night Horace
and I were married.

And you'd lend it to me?

No, but I'd rent it to you.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

[SOBS]
Oh, would you look at her?

Well, I-- I would,
if you'd get out of the way.

Oh.
ANGELA: She looks beautiful.

Yeah. My angel,
in high-tops.

As I was saying,

if there's anyone here
who has any reason

why these two
should not be wed,

let them speak
now or forever--
Uh...

What? What now?

It's just that I--
I just realized,

you guys
don't have a ring.

Dad, let me
have that cigar.

It's beautiful.
[MINISTER CLEARS THROAT]

This ring is a circle

that has no beginning
and no end,

and it symbolizes the love
you have for each other.

Do you, Henry, take Samantha
to be your lawful wedded wife,

to love and to cherish
in sickness and in health

as long as you both shall live?

I do.

And do you, Samantha,

take Henry to be your
lawfully wedded husband,

to love and to cherish
in sickness and in health

as long as you
both shall live?

I do.

Then by the power vested in me
by the state of Connecticut,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may
kiss the bride.

[MONA CRYING]

[SOBS] Oh, Mona,
you old softie.

You're not such a rock
after all, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ANGELA MOANS]

I'm so happy for you.
[CHUCKLES]

I knew you'd get married
before I did. [CHUCKLES]

I'm so glad you were here,
Dad.

Hey...

just because
I gave you away...

don't mean
you're not still mine.

[SAM CHUCKLES]
[♪♪♪]

TONY: Who's the Boss?
Will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

Come on,
it's my turn.

Get out of here.
Come on.

Get away from me.
[SAM LAUGHS] Dad.

Aw.
Oh, Mona.

Oh, Sam,
you look so beautiful.

Thank you.
Sam.

SAM: Mrs. Rossini.
[SOBS] Little Sam.

[SIGHS] Can you believe
our little girl.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ A brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

SAM: Dad?

Dad?
Huh?

Catch.
[TONY GASPS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]