12x10 - No Regrats

[bunniefuu]

I'm so busy I haven't
really had an opportunity

to feel homesick.

Well, I'm gonna call that a
day on the shelter experiment.

Now it's just me and my
thoughts and feelings.

Our fishing sucks.

There's no more
catfish in here.

I'm desperate to find
something to eat.

I'm losing strength.

I'm losing muscle, weight,
you name it.

I'm pushing my limit.

But we're not done yet.
Can't give up.

It's going across
the top peak.

I feel like I've got
everything else dialled in.

The critical piece
is the protein.

That's the missing link.

There's one kudu leaving,

just over the other side
of the clearing.

I've been hamstrung.

They're gonna come right
in front of me, I think.

I think I've got a shot here.
I'm gonna take a shot.

.

That was...

super disappointing.

Dang, man, it's tough
to get close to them.

I think that's blown
my chances today,

to be honest.

, man, I tell ya.

It's tough.

I'm just feeling
so [bleep] frustrated

because it's so close
but so far away,

in terms of actually getting
a successful shot.

It is what it is.

I'm heading back.

I'm really at a pivotal
point right now.

acacia.

Even the plants
don't want me to eat meat,

it feels like.

The physicality of this
is getting beyond me

because I don't have
enough protein.

Starting to feel myself
getting really tired.

Eating plants for this long,

it's starting to be that
my body doesn't want that.

Like, I feel like
my body's rejecting it.

I'm so close.

Oh, my God.

But I think what's driving me
forward, at this point,

is the possibility of success.

Whew, I'm back.

Kudu, nyala...

But nothing to eat but plants.

Cruel twist of fate.

And I feel like that's
what this has been for me,

a big, fat death quest.

It's not death so much
as commitment.

It's actually more
a commitment quest.

They call it the death quest,
but it's actually about

what are you committing to
so fiercely in life

that it's actually
taking away your energy

to your life purpose?

And I feel like that's
what this has been for me.

It's this real sense
of what I need

to stop putting
so much energy into

and freeing myself up
to create something

really different
moving forward.

Oh.

So maybe I don't need

to k*ll a greater kudu male

with fabulous horns to

get that life lesson.

So last night, I roasted

these Buffalo thorn fruits

to make my first cup of coffee.

I'm really looking forward
to sitting with this

this morning
and thinking about Erica

and our time together.

My brain is always
focused on something.

I lock on
to one thing at a time.

And that's been
pointed out to me,

that I'm not as available

because rarely am I doing
nothing in my head.

Smells really good.

And one of the things
that I've been loving

about that morning practice
with my wife, Erica,

I'll say,
what are you thinking about?

And she'll say, nothing.

And I'm like,
that's impossible.

How could you be thinking
about nothing?

You're just thinking
about something

you don't wanna tell me about.

That's what I first thought.

And then later,
I came to trust it.

She actually is
thinking about nothing.

All right, we're gonna call
that good.

And so I've been
experimenting with that

and trying to just
fall into that place

of not thinking
about anything.

And it's been, I think,
a healthy thing for my brain.

I'm starting to
feel more present.

I'm gonna make this
coffee cowboy-style,

where you just, uh,

boil the grounds
right in the pot.

In the meantime, I plan to work
on the interior of the shelter.

So we can feel like home.

I decided on a floor plan
in the shelter.

I'm gonna have a bed that's
the full 10-foot length.

That'll give me some room
to have a place

to put my stuff
at my head and at my feet,

and can sleep in the middle.

I've got all of this
leftover stone and sand

just kind of cluttering up
the outside of my shelter,

all this building material
that I'm gonna use

to fill the bed.

So rather than hauling it off
to clean up the yard,

I'm just gonna
make a bed out of it.

Sun peeked out.
That means it's coffee time.

That's some black coffee.
I'd say that was a dark roast.

Good morning, Erica.
I miss you.

I feel like I'm settling
into a new phase here

where I'm having more time
to contemplate things.

I do miss my kids,
and I miss Erica.

I have waves of deep missing.

The distance is great

and the time
is getting greater.

But I'm enjoying
being in this place

and wanna stay.

But I need to figure out
how to get more calories.

I had a dream last night
about buying steak--

ah, hilarious,
buying steak to go fishing.

That's what I need right now.

God, if I had steak
or hot dog or bacon,

I'm sure I'd be doing great.

I think I might go
for a little walk.

I'm really feeling
the cold today.

I think it's because
I've lost so much weight.

Oh, I'm feeling tired.

I'm sick of eating greens
and things like that.

Even the African cabbage
does not taste good anymore.

It's like my body's
going, look,

this is all great but I don't
wanna keep doing this.

Things need to change,

and I need to work out
what the right thing is to do.

Country,
what have you done to me?

You took me down a notch,
that's for sure.

Any time you do something
this extreme,

you're gonna find
new parts of yourself.

And I'm really starting
to feel a sense

of my own personal story

starting to come forward
more clearly,

and what it is that I need

to see about myself.

Goodness.

I think I'm just gonna sit
and contemplate things.

I have this sort of
seeking part of me

that always wants to know
what's really possible.

What's really the edge?

And typically,
what I do in life is,

I commit to the full.

But all of a sudden,

I'm realising that,
over the years,

I will commit to friendships,
relationships,

sometimes even
business collaborations,

even when there's lots of
signs that it's not working.

I feel like I'm stuck in this,

and I have to
make it work somehow.

I need to just...

just do what's right for me.

And that's true for everybody,
I think.

You've gotta honour
what's right for you.

And now
what I'm really feeling

is that it's not healthy.

And I need to let go
of the expectations,

in all aspects,

because this is an opportunity

to rewrite that code
for myself.

I had to come all the way
to South Africa

to really let go

of what was old in my life

and--and move ahead.

It's crazy.

Hey, it's Katie.

I'm just calling
to officially tap out.

I just feel like the country--

I guess it just feels like
it's besting me at this point.

And I have to just be realistic
and not hurt myself.

I think the biggest thing
is letting go

of parts of my life.

I think that's been
the biggest--

like, being prepared to let go

and starting a new chapter

in my life.

I feel like
I've found confidence

and personal power.

Life is always working
with you and for you,

whether you know it or not

and whether you like it
or not.

And it feels like
this has been

a beautiful example of that.

It's definitely not rolled
through the way I expected,

but I fully trust that

what's actually happening
is what's meant to be.

I've enjoyed being here
on my own.

It's like a piercing insight

into what
you're really carrying.

I think this is very much
what this experience

has been for me,

a quest for my real truth,

and a humbling in that
at the same time.

It's been very, very powerful.

I'll always carry the energy
of this in my heart.

Maybe this stoic,

kind of rock energy
is coming home with me.

So just thanking the land,
really, for that.

Very cold morning.

Check this out.

Nice and icy.

It's freezing every night.

And every day I wake up,
there's frost everywhere.

My feet get cold, but
I have the layers I put on.

There's not much more
I can do.

I'm just getting, you know,
skinnier, and I just--

my circulation is worse.

But I'm handling it.

Tough it out or go home.

And I'm gonna tough it out.

We're gonna go for a walk,
see how we feel,

see how our legs do.

Let's do this.
What's the worst-case scenario?

Pass out and they come get me.

That's--that is
worst-case scenario, yes.

Okay, go for a walk.

Here we go.

Make sure
I don't fall down there.

We're walking to
our lookout rock.

I've eaten all my jerky.

I'm officially out of food.

I really wanna get
in that sun and get warm.

I've had my catfish lines out
every single day,

with nothing.

And I've changed the bait out
multiple times.

I'm going to start
losing weight very fast,

but I'm not that skinny yet.

We'll keep on fishing.

We'll keep trying
until we can't.

There's two deer up here.

I haven't seen them yet,
that species.

There's one, and there's two.

I think those are bushbucks.

Very cool, I like them.
I like the stripes on them.

I like the stripes
on their coat.

In my rescue, I see and help
animals every single day.

But out here, I see wildlife

that I don't get
to see back home.

It just makes me happy
and excited.

There's another one.

They just uplift me.

These animals are
a part of my journey.

So very cool.

I'm gonna keep on going.

That sun already feels good.

It's so hard to be out here

and not fantasise
about winning,

to use that money to help
improve animals' lives.

If we win, Brady and I
could get more animals in.

I think an ideal partnership
is respect and support.

Brady and I have that,
for sure.

He's my rock.

I need to stick it out
for the rescue.

We made it.

It took a lot of energy
to get up here today.

I hear baboons.

This is where I clear my mind.

This is where I get
mentally strong.

I need this

to stay in the game.

I feel like it's coming down
to the mental game.

And I'm digging deep
every day.

I'm finding grit
I didn't know I had.

I'm not sure
where it's coming from.

But once I get to the rock,

the universe is like,
you're okay now.

There's a whole bunch of them.

You have to be mentally strong
to stay out here.

There's a lot of people with
jobs they gotta get back to,

families, children.

Eventually,
that pulls on them,

and then they wanna go home.

I don't have to be home
for anything,

so I tell myself
to suck it up.

This is my adventure, and I
can do it as long as I want.

And Brady knows that about me.

When I leave here,
it's gonna be--

absolutely could not
have made it another hour.

And it could be mental.

You know, my mental game could
decrease in the next few days.

Hopefully not.

But you don't know.

You don't know
what's gonna happen.

This is "Alone."
Haven't you seen it?

Anything can happen.

Nothing on that one.

Damn it.

I haven't had
any more luck on fishing,

so I'm officially out of food.

Expected to be doing better,

especially after coming in
and easily catching fish.

There's still a little bit of
breaching going on out there.

Sure wish I could
catch one of them.

If I cast out,
I'm gonna hit a snag.

And I'd end up having
to swim for the hook.

It's just a lot of energy
to get up out of this.

And I just can't keep
burning calories.

One of the downsides
to building a shelter...

I put thousands of calories
into this shelter.

I hauled so many
loads of rock,

and gotta balance that out
with food.

I need food coming in.

And fish seems like
the best option,

but it's just not happening.

I feel the stress.

If you don't eat, you get
a little bit lightheaded

when you stand up,
that kind of stuff.

So I'm gonna harvest
prickly pear today.

I don't think I'll get
a lot of calories out of it,

but it's just good
for the gut biome

and all that, I'm sure.

I'm ready to get back
to hunting.

Problem with that is,
the big game are up on top,

and that's a very big
calorie expenditure

to get up there.

All right, well,
that ought to do.

I'll go burn
all these thorns off

and then have a little meal.

I really think that
if I climb up on top

and I'm not successful,
I will burn through calories

too fast and I will not last.

So I've gotta
stay close to home here

and just hope that
I can find the calories

sooner than later.

Prickly pear kebab here.

We're gonna roast them
for a bit and then boil it up.

Erica and I have
ten children between us.

Each day, I've been
picking a different child

and thinking about them.

And today is Isaiah.

I think about you all the time.

I hope you're having
a great summer,

and I can't wait to get home
and hear about it.

Isaiah is my little
world traveler, you know.

He's been all over the place.

He was the last one
to be with his brother

before his brother passed.

They were traveling
in Vietnam.

And Isaiah came home,
and Porter stayed.

Isaiah was closest in age to
Porter, and they were buddies.

They did everything together

and were really bonded
as brothers.

And Porter looked out
for Isaiah.

Porter's death, it was very,
very difficult for all of us,

but I think
especially for Isaiah.

I think that's good.

Now I'm just gonna
boil them into a mush.

And as Porter,

you know, eventually struggled
with his use of substances,

those roles changed.

Isaiah significantly became

the caregiver to Porter.

And I really admire him
for that.

In a big family structure,
that's pretty important.

The older siblings especially

tend to fill some of those
roles to supplement the fact

that the parents
can't be with every child

all the time.

When I was considering
coming on "Alone,"

it was one of the hardest
things for me to consider,

was being away.

So Isaiah really
allowed me to be able to

come and have this experience.

Yep, just like I remember it.
Not great.

I just wanna make sure
I don't get too depleted.

I'm gonna spend some time
on catfish again tonight.

See what happens.

Pretty tired.
It's been a long day.

It started really early, fishing.

It's just not happening.

So I'm just gonna drink
some coffee and think about it.

How strong of a mind do you
need to have to win this game?

I don't know the answer
to that question.

Maybe it's less about strength

and more about
your personality,

the way you're wired.

I was thinking about my mom.

When I was young,
the cows got out, and...

My dad sent...

my two older brothers and I
to get them.

So we were hiking along,
and I couldn't keep up.

And I got so tired
that I thought,

man, I just can't make it.

And I just laid down
on the ground,

and I was just
looking at the sky.

I was cold, tired,

and I thought I might die.

And I fell asleep.

And I woke up to my mom,

her hand on my shoulder.

I was like, oh, man,
she's gonna rescue me.

She's here for me.

I'm saved.

That's not what happened.

She said, Nathan,

you're supposed to be
getting the cows.

Why are you laying here
on the ground?

You need to get up
and go join your brothers

and bring those cows home.

So...

I got up,
and I started walking again.

After a little bit,
I met my brothers.

They were coming back
with the cows,

and I brought the cows home.

I remember feeling like,
wow, I did it.

And my mom could have said,
oh, you poor thing, you know,

let me take you home and
make you some hot chocolate.

She could have been
that kind of mom, right?

She wasn't.

She said, you know,
get up and finish the job.

It's experiencing
those hard things

makes us into
the people that we are.

And if my mom had
just rescued me,

I wouldn't be the person I am.

And that's...

That's what my mom taught us.

You're the best, Mom.

I love you so much.

My family's tradition
around wilderness survival

came from my mother and my
father and their life's work.

I got two poles set up here.

I'll just wait and see
if we get any action.

It's so much a part
of our family culture

that I feel a responsibility

to represent well.

So far,
I have not been successful

in solving
the puzzle of calories.

I have noticed that I've
lost quite a bit of weight.

I feel the lack of energy

and lack of cognitive ability.

This is a difficult thing
to figure out right now.

My game plan is to just
keep trying, not give up.

Oh, my gosh.

.

Oh, yeah, a big--

Wow.

Oh, a big ol' dandy.

Wow.

Wow, that's really exciting.

It feels so good.

This long dry spell of
not catching more fish

has been broken.

Well, I'm not gonna carry this
and all this stuff back

at the same time,
so I'll make two trips.

Whoa.

It's incredible to know
that my need for food

is gonna be satisfied now
for several days.

The best day yet.

I'm really grateful for it.

So I'm just trying to,
like, walk a little.

Circulation.

It's going pretty slow.

Man, I'm exhausted.

I can't go much farther.

I'm pooped.

I'm not doing well.

My heart, my breathing
makes me a little concerned.

I feel like--
I feel like there's a heavy...

weight on my chest
all the time.

And, like, literally every
couple minutes, I have to--

Deep breath
because I feel like

I'm not getting enough oxygen.

It could be from
low blood pressure,

dehydration, malnutrition,

all of the above.

I have no energy for
anything right now.

We're gonna get up.

I just wanna be in the sun.

I'm very winded all the time.

My legs are Jell-O.

I get lightheaded
when I stand up.

Add all those together,
and I just don't know

if I can even hike anymore.

As you see,
everything I do exhausts me.

So it's not like
we could do a whole lot.

I'm a licensed vet tech,
and I tell clients--

they always have the question,
when do I put my animals down?

How do you know?

I say,

mark on a calendar
when the bad days

outnumber the good.

And a lot of people
bring their animals in,

carrying them because they
can't walk, they can't eat.

They're suffering.
They're in pain.

And that's their decision.
That's fine.

In my opinion,

don't let them
get to that point.

Why let them go out
in pain and suffering?

Let them go out on a day that
they can walk on their own.

We love them so much that
we hang on till the very end.

We have to be strong enough,
I feel, to...

Realise that they need--

they might need
to go before that.

It's getting hard.

I wanna walk out of here
on my own,

and I'm almost to the point
where I can't do that.

Man, it hurts.

I don't want the safety team
to come in

and have to scoop me up with
a shovel and take me out.

I don't need to prove
anything to anybody else.

I don't need to prove
anything to myself anymore.

I'm just tired of
fighting with myself.

I wanna go out
with my boots on.

I wanna go out kicking,
go out on a good day.

This is Kelsey.

I'm officially tapping out.

I'm exhausted.
I can barely stand.

When I walk, it feels like

there's a cinder block
on my chest.

So I know I'm just
getting weaker.

And I hate to use that W word,
but I'm--

I'm there.

But I'm proud.
I'm proud of what I did.

You know, I've never gone a day
in my life without food.

And I've done a lot of days
without food,

you know, and did a lot.

I just wanna go out
on a good day,

and that I'm not leaving
because I hate it.

I'm just leaving because
this journey needs to end,

and another one needs to begin.

Yeah.

I came in as the underdog,

with people doubting me,

with me even doubting
some of my skills.

I've accomplished things
that I didn't know

that I could accomplish.

But it was a lot harder
than I thought, mentally.

I had so many meltdowns,

but then I pep talked
my way back up.

The animals really helped me.

And I know that's weird
to say that,

but, man, they built me up.

This experience will
help me with the rescue

because if the animals

were being malnourished
and starved,

if they were dumped on
the side of the road,

cold and wet and hungry,
I can truly

make them comfortable
because I've been through it

here in South Africa.

I feel like I represented
women very well,

being the first woman
to sh**t a big game animal

and having the grit
to endure storms,

rains, many flash floods
and not giving up

until your body physically
can't go anymore.

And I do feel like I've let
women know that you absolutely

can go out all by yourself.

You absolutely can do that.

You just have to go and do it.

My journey here has ended,
but my story

has just begun being written.

Now nobody can call me
an underdog ever again.

I am a force to
be reckoned with.

My daughter, Eliza, before
I came out, she said, Dad,

you just have to do
one thing for me.

And I said, why?

She didn't give me
an explanation.

She just said,
it'll be meaningful to me.

Just do it.

And that's write "No Regrets."

And you have to
spell it like this.

And she showed me.

So I decided to name
the shelter

Fort No Regrets--

"Regrats."

And because that's
meaningful to you, Eliza,

it's meaningful to me.

I like it.

I'm gonna drink some coffee.

I know it's been a month,
but the time has just flown.

I'm sure part of that was just
because I was so busy trying

to solve the puzzle here.

And I'm looking forward to
slowing down a little bit more

and just enjoying
the pleasure of being

in this beautiful place.

I'm gonna get that catfish
head cooking in here.

And that's all I have
planned at the moment.

The crew is coming by
to do a med check.

I just saw the team
pull up in a boat.

No.

The weather's
been fantastic--

a little windy at times,

which is great for
drying out meat, so.

No, I still need
to build a door.

But honestly,
I call it a fort because

I feel like a kid again
out here.

I feel like I'm just out here
playing and having a good time.

It's an amazing opportunity.

And the reason I can do that
is that my kids support it.

I feel like a kid
again out here.

I feel like I'm just out here
playing and having a good time.

It's an amazing opportunity.

And the reason I can do that
is that my kids support it.

And--

What about your kids?

Oh, my God.

What in the world?

Isaiah.

You won.

I love you, man.

I love you too.

Wow, look at you.
You're right here.

- Yeah, you look terrible.
- Holy smokes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

I love you, Dad.

And the world traveler--

Yeah.

And you're down here
in South Africa now, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm so excited.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Holy smokes.

- You gonna give me the tour?
- I would love to.

Unbelievable.

"Fort No Regrats."

Holy crap, Dad.

Unbelievable, but totally
believable at the same time.

It's not bad.

No, it's super comfortable.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Remember, Eliza asked me
to write that somewhere?

I decided just to name the--

name the shelter that.

They're all doing great,
by the way.

Everybody's good.
- Oh, that's so good to hear.

I knew that was true.
- Yeah.

You guys are amazing.

So yeah, let me show you.

I can't believe it.

I'm so excited.

And there's a sense of relief.

Well, do you wanna
eat some catfish head?

- Yeah, let's do it.
- All right.

I don't have to
struggle anymore.

I set out to do this,
and I did it.

I'm feeling all of these
emotions at the same time.

It feels good.

Ta-da!

Let's go sit by the water.

It means so much to me
to have Isaiah here.

I've thought so much about him
while I've been out here.

I'm glad that he gets to be
here and be a part of it.

Let's eat.

It's just a beautiful thing.

This is massive.

Look at the size of
the mouth on that thing.

Wow.

And the head is just
full of fat and muscle.

There's so much food in
a single catfish head.

It's amazing.

- Give me a meaty piece.
- Okay.

So yeah, the cheek meat is
really good, so right in there.

Oh, wow.

- Yeah.
- Cheers.

Yeah, let me get a piece too.

All right.
Love you, son.

I love you too.

Mm.

It's not bad.
I mean, it's--

It's so fun
to hang out with my son,

just enjoy this spot.

When you really feel that
closeness with your children,

there's nothing better
than that in life.

Money is like
the cherry on top

because I had some of
the most fun of my life,

enjoying the opportunity
to have this kind of

an adventure,
to be challenged in this way,

to really have left behind
all the cares of life,

all the responsibilities
of being an adult

in our modern world,
and to reset the clock,

behaving out here just like
my 12-year-old self--

hiking, building a fort,
trying to hunt,

trying to fish.

Having the opportunity
to relive

those childhood experiences
was deeply satisfying.

Not that it was easy,
not that I didn't suffer,

but that's a big part
of the reason I'm here.

The human experience
includes suffering.

It's the other side of
suffering that creates

the opportunity for joy.

You can't have one
without the other.

And that is one
of the best parts.

If you can have experiences
that really test you,

you also get the opportunity
to have

the joy and fun that follow.

One of my takeaways
from this experience

is the deep joy
in our life really

comes from the relationships
we have with other people.

I think it's one of the
biggest lessons of "Alone."

And the time I've had
out here to reflect

on each of my children,
on Erica, on my mom,

my love for them has just
continued to deepen.

This is a theme that
other "Alone" participants

just keep coming back to.

We're showing our children we
have the courage to go for it.

And we want you to do
the same thing in your life.

When you have an opportunity,
seize that opportunity.

This is a chance
in a lifetime.

Coming and having
the courage to do this,

and then to be successful
at it, it feels like momentum.

I have renewed energy
to play the game of life

with more focus and intensity,

and take advantage
of this amazing opportunity

that we get to be alive.

You did it.