01x07 - Lawrence

[bunniefuu]

♪ ["THE STARS
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING] ♪

-♪ [UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-SAMUEL L. JACKSON:
On August 14th, 1945,

Japan surrendered to the Allies

-and World w*r II
was finally over.
-[CHEERING]

JACKSON: Americans took
to the streets to celebrate,

and that spirit was captured

in the iconic photo
taken by Alfred Eisenstaedt

for LIFE magazine.

-[CAMERA FLASH BULB CLICKS]
-JACKSON: A uniformed sailor
passionately kissing a nurse

in the middle
of a crowded Times Square

became a symbol
of American pride and triumph.

-But photos
don't tell the full story.
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

♪ [LIVELY SWING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-[CAR HORN HONKING]

CROWD: [CHANTING]
The w*r is over!

-CROWD MEMBER 1: w*r is over!
-CROWD MEMBER 2: We won!

CROWD MEMBER 2: We did it!
That's right!

-[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]
-CROWD MEMBER 4:
We really did it!

CROWD: [CHANTING]
Victory! Victory!

-CROWD MEMBER 5: We won!
-CROWD: [CHANTING] Victory!

-[GRUNTS]
Get your mitts off me, buster!
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

No, the w*r's over.
The w*r's over.

-So?
-LARRY DAVID: Yes! You hear?

-The w*r's over.
-Get off of me!

We're celebrating!
We're celebrating!

What are you,
some kind of sicko?

-No, everybody's kissing!
-No, they're not! Only you!

No, not just me. I saw people--

Pervo! Pervo f*ck!

-No pervo f*ck!
I'm no pervo f*ck!
-AGNES: Yes, pervo!

-I'm someone's girl.
-Uh, all right, okay.

-Hey, Johnny. Johnny!
-LARRY: Huh? What? Johnny?

-No, no, no, no Johnny.
No Johnny! No--
-AGNES: Yes! Yes, Johnny!

-Johnny! Get over here!
-What the f*ck?

-Johnny!
-Johnny?

-Is this creep
bothering you, Agnes?
-Yes.

No, no, no, Johnny. No, Johnny.

-This pervo tried to kiss me.
-LARRY: No, no--

You tried to kiss her?

-AGNES: Yeah, he did.
-Everybody's kissing, Johnny.

-No, no, no. Excuse me?
-No, Johnny! Johnny!

-Oh!
-LARRY: Oh!

-Oh, oh. [GASPS]
-[CROWD GASPING]

-Did you just take a swing
at me?
-No, no, no, no, no. No swing.

-No swing, Johnny.
-He's attacking a sailor.

-No, no, no, no, no!
-[CROWD GASPING]

-Hey! You messing with Johnny?
-Ah!

-On VJ Day?
-No, I'm not messing
with Johnny.

What, I'm gonna mess
with Johnny?

-He must be a n*zi!
-Oh, no. No, no n*zi.

-Pervo n*zi.
-LARRY: A n*zi? No, no!

-♪ [SWING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-Everyone! Johnny.
Johnny. Hey, hey! Hey!

-Oh! No, no, no! [SCREAMS]
-[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

-[CROWD CLAMORING]
-No, no, no, no, no!
[MUMBLES] No, no, no, no, no!

♪ [LIVELY
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-♪ [MARCH MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-JACKSON: In 1841,

William Henry Harrison
became the ninth president

of the United States.

Despite cold
and inclement weather,

the 68-year-old president
delivered

-the longest inaugural address
in U.S. history...
-[CLOCK TICKING]

...nearly two hours,
without a coat.

-Harrison soon fell ill...
-[COUGHING]

...big surprise,

-and the doctor's remedies...
-[SNAKE HISSING]

...snake venom,
laxatives, leeches,

mercury, and opium
only made the president worse.

Seems everybody had an opinion
on how to make him better.

But, sadly,
the least informed among them

-was the one listened to.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Ah! Hello there, Mrs. Harrison.

Hello, Lawrence.
Good to see you.

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-Good to see you.

Sir, Mr. President,
congratulations.

Thank you, Lawrence.
I appreciate that.

-Got some new pipe tobacco.
-MARTHA HARRISON: Mm.

What do you think?
How's the smell?

-Honestly, not my cup of tea.
-I don't smell anything at all.

It has a hint of cherry.
You getting it?

No-- [CLEARS THROAT]
No, I'm not getting cherry.

-Nothing?
-I am mostly just getting smoke.

-Anyway, let me ask you
a question, Mr. President.
-Certainly.

-How many Indians did you k*ll?
-Personally?

How did you k*ll?
You stab or sh**t?

-Well, there were some
that I think I shot.
-Mm-hmm.

-There were some who fell
under my sword blade.
-LAWRENCE: Mm.

And there were some that I might
have bored with my speeches.

-[LAUGHS]
-Ah. [LAUGHS]

You two, I see why
you get along so well.

-Yes, yes.
-Very funny. Very funny.

You know, with all
due respect... [CHUCKLES]

Looks like a--

Looks like an Indian could
knock you over with a feather.

-Uh--
-You don't look like
the strongest guy in the world.

With all due respect,

it seems there's
some more respect due.

Well, the truth
of the matter is,

though I'm not particularly
fleet of foot,

I think I could hold my own
in the sense

that I'm not easily tipped over.

Hence, Tippecanoe.

-It's the canoe that tips over,
not the president.
-LAWRENCE: Yeah.

-[LAUGHS]
-I noticed you don't
have a coat.

It's very chilly out.
Aren't you cold?

It's a lovely day.

I didn't feel
the need of a coat.

Really?
You're the president now.

Anybody could hold it.

Mrs. Harrison
could hold the coat.

Oh, no. Mrs. Harrison
will not hold the coat.

-LAWRENCE: Oh, oh.
-I see you haven't had too much
experience with the First Lady.

-Not sure I want to.
-Mm.

Someone could hold the coat
is my point.

'Cause now
it's getting very chilly.

'Cause, you know, we don't want
our president going,

"Ooh, ooh,
it's cold, it's cold."

No, I'm telling the truth.
I feel quite well.

Anyway, I feel like
I shouldn't take up

too much more of your time.

He's the president now.
It's like talking to a doctor.

-You gotta talk and move on.
-No, no.

-You gotta move on,
right? [LAUGHS]
-[LAUGHS]

Yeah. Anyway, congratulations,

and I can't wait
to get started working.

Thank you so much.
Pleasure to see you.

[COUGHING]

Sir? Are you okay?

I'm absolutely fine.

Are you sure? What's this cough?

It's the time of year
when sometimes

-I have a touch of hay fever,
that's all.
-In March?

-Of course.
-You shook my hand.

Well, you did stick
your hand out at me.

You shouldn't have
taken the hand.

Well, I didn't want
to be rude. Oh! [COUGHS]

[HESITATES] Well, you know,
to me, look...

-[COUGHING]
-...it's rude
to stick your hand out

when you have a cold
or something, or you're sick.

You're part of my inner circle.

When you put your hand out,
I had to answer

by putting my own hand out
and shaking yours.

It's necessary.
Absolutely necessary.

-Don't you understa... [COUGHS]
-Okay.

-[COUGHS] Oh, dear.
-Got it.

-[COUGHING]
-♪ [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-Oh, sweetheart.
-ATTENDEE 1: Is everything okay?

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-ATTENDEE 2: Mr. President?

I... I am feeling,
uh, somewhat, uh...

-Somewhat weak.
-ATTENDEE 3: Someone call
for a doctor.

-[COUGHING]
-♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[SIGHS]

-More hot towels, please, nurse.
-Mm-hmm.

Doctor, how is he?

The president's fever
shows no sign of abating.

Are you doing everything
you can?

Of course. Bloodletting, opium,

and we're gonna start
with the leeches.

-Do you have enough leeches?
-Yes.

-We're very optimistic
about the leeches.
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

Thank you, Doctor.

[INDISTINCT MURMURING]

[QUIETLY] Hey. Hey.
How you doing?

-Darling.
-Martha.

-LAWRENCE: Hey, Doctor.
-DOCTOR HARRINGTON: Yes?

-How's he doing?
-The president is not well.

[SIGHS] Sheesh. You know,
I was at the inauguration.

-Yeah.
-He wasn't wearing a coat.

-And it was so cold.
-It's crazy.

Ten different people
can be holding it.

His wife could've held it.

Well, she told me flat out
she won't hold it.

She's too big to hold a coat.

Any number of people would have
brought a coat for him.

Always bring a coat.
Better to have it than not.

-What's the downside?
-There's no downside.

You know what I think?
It was very egotistical

on his part
to not wear that coat.

He was showing off.
I shook his hand.

I'm concerned I might have
the same thing he has.

I got a tickle in my throat.

Well, you could go talk
to your doctor about that.

I'm standing right next
to a doctor.

But I'm tending to the president
of the United States right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
I get the tend-- you're tending.

-Yes, I am tending.
-As you should tend.

I don't wanna interrupt a tend.

-HARRINGTON: Thank--
-A quick little peek.

I'm not gonna look
in your mouth.

-I'll just go, "Ah." What?
-HARRINGTON: I'm not peeking.

I have one patient
on my mind at a time,

and it's the leader
of this country.

Well, it's not a direct tend
at this moment.

He's in the bed,
and you're standing here.

I'm preparing the leeches.
I'm listening to him breathe.

I'm monitoring the effects
of the opium. I'm tending.

Give me a half a tend.

There's no such thing
as a half a tend.

You've clearly never tended
for anyone.

My cousin was sick once,

and I did bring him
some muffins.

-I'm not gonna look.
-[GRUNTS]

I'm not looking.
I'm looking you in the eye.

Well, if you're looking
in the eye,

just go down three inches
and you'll see the mouth.

That's a different type of look.

-Take a look. Ah.
-HARRINGTON: No.

[VOCALIZING] Aah-ah! Ah!
Ah-aah! Ah! Ah! Aah!

The answer's no.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a president to tend to.

Okay, I get you're tending.
What's he doing?

-He's also tending.
-I'm tending as well.

You need simultaneous tending?

Yes. We're the two
attending doctors.

Let me ask you a question.

Were you secretly happy
when you heard he was sick?

-No. I went to church and wept.
-LAWRENCE: [SCOFFS] Please.

If I wound up like the president
in just a matter of days,

how would you feel about it?

-Would you be the president?
-No.

This whole city's
full of sick people.

-It's a swamp. It's disgusting.
-[COUGHS]

If I came to your office
for a visit,

how much would you charge me?

My office is here
in the White House,

so that's impossible.

Well, why can't I see you
in the White House?

I'm by appointment only,
and I only take appointments

with the president
of the United States.

So, pretty much
you do nothing all day, then?

If I'm doing nothing,
that means I've done my job.

-You're like a bum living
in the White House.
-I'm not a bum.

-We are anticipating problems
and preventing threats...
-Really?

-...to his health
before they happen.
-Yeah. Then why didn't you

bring him a coat?

-Lawrence, please!
-[HARRISON COUGHS]

-[SMACKS LIPS]
-[WHEEZES]

-Hey, Doc, thanks for your help.
-♪ [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-This doesn't bother me.
-Oh, yeah?

-No, doesn't bother me at all.
-Okay. Okay.

[COUGHING]

MARTHA: Oh, sweetheart.

[INDISTINCT MURMURING]

[NURSES WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Excuse me. Sorry to bother you.

I was at
the inauguration yesterday,

and I shook his hand.

And, you know,
you see how sick he is.

I'm wondering, how fast do
I have to get to soap and water?

You have about ten seconds.

-Ten seconds?
-NURSE: Mm-hmm.

-That's it?
-Yep.

That's insane.
It's like the only time

you could shake someone's hand
is in the bathroom.

It's like you gotta walk around
with a bucket of water and soap

all day not to get sick.

No, no, no.
No food at this time, please.

-LAWRENCE: What? Why?
-You feed a cold,

-but you starve a fever.
-No, I beg to differ.

You starve a cold
and feed a fever.

No, you have it backwards.
Are you a doctor?

No, but my mother
always used to say,

"Starve a cold, feed a fever."

In fact,
when I had scarlet fever,

my mother fed me continuously.

I gained 15 pounds,
but I got better in a week.

-Well, was your mother a doctor?
-No, she bred schnauzers.

-But she was very worldly.
-Is she still with us?

No, she died of scarlet fever

because there was
nothing left to eat.

"Starve a fever, feed a cold,
then you surely will grow old."

No, "Starve a cold,
feed a fever,

live to 100, I guarantee ya."

You might be right.
I think he's correct.

-No.
-It's feed the fever.

In nursing school, we fed both.

-Well, that's wrong, too.
-Feed the cold, starve the--

No, save your strength.
Save your strength.

Anyway, when you starve,
you die. Feed the fever.

Oh, for the love of God, yes,

-feed him. Feed him.
-Please feed the fever.

Is there any
of that chocolate cake left?

Feed the man.

Well, I wasn't saying
he can never eat anything again.

Yeah, make him a plate.

Okay. Are you ready?
Some mashed potatoes.

Oh, good!

I should have worn the coat.

-♪ [SOFT EMOTIONAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-Next time.

Next time.

♪ [MUSIC RISES] ♪

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

-He's dead.
-[SOBBING] Oh, sweetheart! No!

-No!
-What is all this?

Why is there food everywhere?

The president, uh,
had a bite to eat.

Don't you know
the first rule of medicine?

"Feed a cold, starve a fever!"

-[WHISPERS] I told you.
-[WHISPERS] I told you.

Not "throw a party!"

The president's bowels
were exploding, and you fed him?

Well, we don't--
People get it mixed up and--

This is an outrage!
Who in God's name

is responsible for this?

LAWRENCE: Come and get it!

Steak from Lundy's,
Mr. President!

♪ [LIVELY
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-♪ [BROODING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-JACKSON: In late 1846,
a group of pioneers

on the way to California
led by George Donner

got trapped high
in the mountains

by an early heavy snowfall.

Rescuers attempted
to reach them,

but the first relief party
did not arrive

until almost four months

after the wagon train
became trapped.

With food running out,
the group resorted

to drastic measures to survive.

And by "drastic," I mean...

cannibalism.

-And by "cannibalism,"
I mean they ate each other.
-[KNIFE SCRAPES]

JACKSON:
It was a terrible tragedy

for those who perished,

and for those who survived...

a little tough to explain.

♪ [MUSIC RISES] ♪

[RESCUER 1 GRUNTING]

-Dear God!
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

-RESCUER 1: Donner party!
-RESCUER 2: They're here!

RESCUER 1: Donner party! [PANTS]

-GEORGE DONNER: Oh!
-RESCUER 1: We found you!

-Here they are!
-Oh!

-Hi!
-JACOB DONNER: Oh, hey!

-Hey.
-The snow finally melted

in the pass,

so we were able to reach you.
Thank God you're alive!

-RESCUER 3: Oh, we're glad
to have found you.
-Oh!

-RESCUER 2: Oh, thank God.
-Yeah, look!

-Hey.
-Look at this.

-Hey, everyone.
-Oh, that's so thoughtful
of you!

-Isn't that great?
-JACOB: Rescue!

-The party.
-GEORGE: It's a rescue party.

I would love to be part
of a rescue party one day

and have people
kind of obligated to me

for the rest of my life
'cause I rescued them.

-The thorn out of the lion.
-[RESCUER 1 CHUCKLES]

-Don't expect that from me.
-[LAUGHS]

You look well, sir.

-Yeah, yeah. Well, we're, uh...
-ELIZA DONNER: We're good. Yeah.

We're-- We're good. We're alive.

-Yes!
-GEORGE: Huh?

-We're doing all right,
all things considered.
-GEORGE: Right?

-All things considered, yeah.
-Yeah.

-We're surviving here, yep.
-Yeah.

You look as hale as the day

-you left Salt Lake City.
-You know...

-That's very nice. Thank you!
-You look great.

-That's a very nice compliment.
Yes.
-ELIZA: Thank you so much.

-That's sweet.
-And-- And where is everyone?

-[SCOFFS]
-Now...

-Well...
-Who do you mean exactly?

-I mean...
-Good question.

-ELIZA: It's interesting.
-It's not a bad question.

-It's a good question.
-It's a good question.

-It's a good qu--
"Where is everyone?"
-Everybody?

-Yes. That's the question.
-That's the question.

-We have an answer.
-We do.

-[HESITATES] We got a-- Yeah.
-Well, it's simple. It's simple.

-It's-- Th-- They're not here.
-No.

-That's right. They're not here.
-GEORGE: They're not here.

-They've gone. We're here.
-I see that.

-GEORGE: Yeah.
We're here, they're not.
-They're not.

Because they are where?

-RESCUER 3: Yeah. [SIGHS]
-ELIZA: Um...

Well, the...

-Truth be told.
-Yeah, truth be told, they left.

-They took off.
-In the dead of winter?

-[RESCUERS MURMURING]
-That pass is choked of snow.

-RESCUER 2: Who would do that?
-I begged them not to go.

-But they just left us here
to fend for ourselves.
-[RESCUERS MURMURING]

And you never turned
against each other?

-No! And-- And--
-No. United.

And-- And no one died.

JACOB: No, no, no, no.
No one died.

-GEORGE: No.
They didn't perish here. No.
-[CLEARS THROAT]

-God, no. No one even got sick
in this camp.
-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

-JACOB: No one died.
-No one died.

-No one died over there
and, um...
-GEORGE: Nope, nope.

-...no one died over there.
-Oh, no. No one died there.

No one died there,
and thank God!

And if you don't mind my asking,

how did you survive
with no provisions?

-RESCUER 3: Yeah. Mm.
-[RESCUERS MURMURING]

-I mean, this guy...
-[DONNERS LAUGHING]

-Just when you think
it's-- it's done...
-Oh, man. He's so crazy.

-Wait a minute.
-...there's another question.

Is that a better question
than the first question?

He beat the first question!

It feels like
such an obvious question.

It doesn't make it
less tremendous.

-Okay.
-And now, knowing what
an unbelievable question

-that was, let that be the last.
-Right.

But what is the answer
to the question?

-How did you survive?
-Okay, okay. That's--

That's the best question.

-But that's the last one
because it's so good.
-Yeah.

-And it's easy.
-For me,

it's too painful
to get into details.

This-- This guy,
he had four days in the tent

-and wouldn't come out.
-RESCUER 2: Oh, that's awful.

-GEORGE: Jacob, what--
-It was really hard.
No, it was hard. It was hard.

-He's okay.
-[JACOB SIGHS]

So how else did you survive?

-I'm going back in the tent.
-No, no!

-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
-I have to. I have to!

-No, no!
-I don't belong out-- [GASPS]

-[RESCUERS GASPING]
-[PANTS] Okay.

-GEORGE: Pull yourself together!
-I'm sorry to agitate you.

You gotta stop
with the questions!

-It's all a lot.
-I'm sure you're all emotional.

-Yes.
-Yes. I still can't get over

how well you all look.

-GEORGE: [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
-That's really kind of you.

Yes, thank you again.

-You're very nice
with the compliments. Yeah.
-ELIZA: Yeah.

-[SNIFFS] What is that I smell?
-Stew's ready.

-GEORGE: Ah!
-JACOB: No, maybe it's not.

-[RESCUERS GASPING, MURMURING]
-No, no, no, no, no.

-[WHISPERS] No pot.
Lose the pot.
-What?

-Benjamin Donner!
-RESCUER 3: It's Donner,
there he is.

-What's going on?
-A rescue, uh, rescue party.

-Oh, hey!
-Yeah!

-BENJAMIN DONNER: Yeah!
-Benjamin Donner,
you look well, sir.

-Yeah, I-- I am.
-Huh?

You look very well,
very, very well.

-Yeah, I got, uh--
You know, the fresh air...
-Yeah.

... can make anybody--
And you know what I love?

-Lumber-jacking.
Love the lumber-jacking.
-Oh! [CHUCKLES]

What a lumberjack this guy is!

-Tremendous exercise.
-That's it, just lumber-jacking?

And, uh, excessive masturbation.

-Oh, excessive!
-Excessive.

-ELIZA: Yeah.
-BENJAMIN: Too much.

He puts a string on the tent.
We know. We know.

-Yeah, that's the signal.
-Lumberjack's tired.

-Lumberjack's "sleeping it off."
-[CHUCKLES]

-What's in the pot?
-Um...

-What's in the pot?
-What's in the pot?

-Oh, the pot! The pot!
-This guy!

No, this is another
unbelievable question.

-GEORGE: Another great question.
-ELIZA: That's iconic.

-How do you do it?
-How does he do it?

And what was the question?

ALL: "What's in the pot?"

Bear!

So, you all have survived
the entire winter...

on one bear.

Well, but that bear
had eaten a pig,

so it was really like two meals.

-Uh-huh.
-And ice fishing.

-Yes! Thank God for that.
-GEORGE: Ice fishing, yeah.

-Where's the poles?
-No. No poles.

RESCUER 2: How does that work?

Get 'em with the hand.
I don't need poles.

-Your hand?
-GEORGE: Yeah.
I smash through the ice.

I dangle the worm.
I stick it under. I wiggle it.

Fish comes. I snatch it.

-The ground's frozen.
Where do you get the worms?
-[RESCUERS MURMURING]

-JACOB: Well...
-Hey, I'm a lumberjack.

I cut down trees.

These worms
are all through these trees.

-Tree worms!
-Tree worms?

Let me tell you something.
Those fish...

-They love these tree worms.
-Oh!

-They can't get enough of 'em.
-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

-It's a delicacy for 'em.
-So, you got worms from a tree,

and you hand ice-fished
with tree worms?

[RESCUERS MURMURING]

That's a great summary.

That's the Stantons’ wagon.
Are they here?

-RESCUER 3: Mm.
-RESCUER 4:
Yeah, where are they?

-Oh!
-Oh, the Stantons.

-The Stantons.
-It's a story.

-Stantons.
-The Stantons.

It's the--
The ones we were never
supposed to mention again.

-The Stantons.
-This is something.

BENJAMIN: It's something
you don't wanna hear.

Eliza, why don't you go ahead
and tell the story?

Yeah. You know what, Benjamin?

You have it.
I know you got it right there.

I used to. I forgot it.

But remember, I told you
the story with all the details.

I think the person
who witnessed it

is the one to tell it.

-George...
-[CLICKS TONGUE]

...why don't you share
what you saw that day?

BENJAMIN: This is hard, I know.

Take your time.

Well...

a big bird swooped down

-and grabbed little Isaiah,
seven-year-old...
-Uh-huh.

...and started to fly away.

-And then Melanie saw it.
-BENJAMIN: Ah!

She latched on to Isaiah,

-and poor Charlie...
-Charlie.

...Charlie grabbed Melanie,

and then Isaiah...

the ten-year-old,
grabbed Melanie,

-and the bird flew off.
-Wait, wait. [HESITATES] Wait.

There's two Isaiahs?

-Yeah, two Isaiahs.
-JACOB: The important thing

is that both Isaiahs
disappeared that day...

-GEORGE: Right.
-...with the bird.

You wouldn't even call it
a bird. It was a--

like a prehistoric animal.

-It was a dinosaur,
I'm pretty sure.
-RESCUERS: Oh!

Did you happen to see
a giant bird

with a family of four
up in the sky?

I want to know what happened
to the Stantons,

the Tylers, and the Eddies!

What the hell is going on here?

-RESCUER 3: Yeah.
-We told you what's going on.

Why? Wh-- What are you saying?

Do you think we ate them?

I didn't say anything
about eating people.

-RESCUER 3: Yeah.
-RESCUER 2: Mm.

-Oh. Yeah, no.
Of course not. Yeah.
-Yeah. Why would you think that?

-Nobody would be eaten.
-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Who would be eaten?
That'd be horrible. No way!

Come on, we're not--
we're not cannibals.

-No! God, no!
-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

-That's disgusting!
-We wouldn't eat people.
We wouldn't eat peop--

Of course, I mean,

if I happen to stumble
upon a cannibal party

in the... in the woods

and they offered me a...
a delicious piece of a pinky,

you know, I might take a bite
just to be courteous.

-Courteous.
-I'll try one.

And at that same party,
if they offered me

a medium rare slice
of a buttock,

-okay, I'll take a bite...
-Right.

...just to be respectful.

-JACOB: Just manners.
-GEORGE: Yeah.

-Do you even wanna be rescued?
-RESCUER 3: Do ya?

-Oh. Oh.
-RESCUER 2: Come on now.

-GEORGE: Again!
-Did he?

-Another one!
-JACOB: You s...

-Another one!
-JACOB: You came at me

with two unbelievable questions.

-We said that was it.
-Now, the best of all!

-"How would you like
to be rescued?"
-Yeah. Oh, no. No.

-JACOB: Just kinda
threw it away too...
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-...like no big deal, right?

GEORGE: All right, we'll--
we'll take the rescue.

-JACOB: How about yes?
-Give us a moment

-to, uh...
-Couple minutes at least.

-Couple minutes, yeah.
-We'll help you
with your things.

DONNERS: No, no, no, no, no, no.

-ELIZA: Yeah, we got it.
-Okay. Okay.

-GEORGE: Let's get out of here.
-BENJAMIN: Let's get packed up.

GEORGE: Get those meals ready.

-♪ [SOLEMN WESTERN MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪
-RESCUER 1: Oh, dear God!

-[RESCUERS GASPING, EXCLAIMING]
-RESCUER 3: Oh my God!

Just pinkies!

♪ [LIVELY
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

JACKSON: On August 28th, 2014,

President Obama's administration
was rocked by a scandal

-the likes of which
the office had never seen.
-♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

JACKSON: And what was
this grave lapse in judgment?

President Obama
addressed reporters

-in a tan suit.
-♪ [BRIGHT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

JACKSON: That's right, tan!

Not navy, not gray, not black,

not even herringbone,
but... tan.

-[INDISTINCT CLAMORING]
-JACKSON: A media frenzy ensued,

with some claiming Obama

had trampled over some sort of
presidential boundary

with his fashion choice.

But the president came out
addressing reporters on Thursday

and he was wearing
this tan suit.

CHRIS JANSING:
Time magazine equated it

to seeing "a performer
out of costume."

GQ called it "terrible,"

Esquire, "a monstrosity."

And he looked like
he was on his way
to a party at the Hamptons.

JACKSON:
In the days that followed,

President Obama took the blame
for this debacle,

and he refused to throw
anybody under the bus.

But now, he's finally throwing
someone under the bus.

[CHUCKLES] And by this point,

you might know who.

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-BRIAN MOSTELLER:
Mr. President,

we're trying
to get your selection
for the NATO summit.

Yep, I think this looks, uh...
This looks just fine.

LARRY:
What's this? This the layout,

-uh, for NATO at Turin?
-Yeah.

This is what
we're gonna wear in Turin.

-LARRY: This is it?
-This is it.

Can I make a suggestion?

-Speak your mind.
-Bring some extra ties.

-Why do we need extra ties?
-[MUTTERS]

'Cause they tend to stain.

I don't stain my ties.

You know why my ties
are immaculate?

-No. Why?
-I never eat soup

or pasta
when I'm wearing a tie.

You have to make a choice.
You get soup or tie, not both.

-Is that so?
-BARACK OBAMA: Yeah.

'Cause I noticed you eat soup.

That's why your ties
are all messed up.

-Think about it.
-Interesting.

-Uh, what about the flip up?
-OBAMA: Flip up doesn't work.

You know why?
What flips up, flops down.

Might make it worse.

You might end up
with your tie in the soup.

Ruins both the tie and the soup.

I get it.
Quite an expert on this.

-Yeah.
-Here's the schedule for Turin.

All right. What do we got here?

-Let's see.
-What's this?

-It's a drink.
-What kind of drink?

It's a protein smoothie.

-Oh, really? What's it called?
-Yeah.

I'm not sure.
I'm not sure what it's called.

-LARRY: You're not sure?
-Yeah.

Does it have a name?

-Mango Tango.
-Mango Tango?

You're drinking a Mango Tango.

-That's nice.
-Yeah, you don't have to--

-You don't have to yell.
-Can I have a little, uh,

a little... a little taste?

[CHUCKLES] No, man,
you can't have
a sip of my drink.

-What's the big deal?
-I mean, it's not a big deal.

It's just not something
I'd prefer.

You're using the straw.

I would just be sipping
from the glass.

-Well, that'd be worse.
-How's it worse?

You're putting your mouth
on the surface of the glass.

Your saliva would get
in the drink.

-So you're a no-sips guy?
-No, no, I give sips.

Michelle can always have a sip.

If Malia and Sasha were here,
I would gladly give them a sip.

-Uh-huh.
-But not you.

-What about Panetta?
-No, not Panetta.

-Biden?
-OBAMA: No.

I think you have
to have boundaries.

-So, no non-family sips?
-Nope.

Also, you, Biden, Panetta...

-old lips.
-Old lips?

Yeah. It's not appetizing.

By the way, Old Lips,
I'd love that as a nickname.

Okay, Old Lips,
let's get back to the schedule.

-Okay, let's do it.
-Yeah. This looks pretty good.

-Good.
-OBAMA: I do wish

we had more time in the Alps.

A lot of stuff
we could be doing.

People can go skiing,

-take some hikes.
-Mm. Really? You ski?

Why would you assume
I don't ski?

Do you ski?

-Yeah.
-All right, so you think
you can ski

and I might not be able to ski?

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
I mean, well, mm... no.

What would lead you
to assume that I don't ski?

Uh...

-Larry, is-- is it because--
-No, no, no, no.

-OBAMA: Is it because?
-No!

No sirree, Bob!

-Is it because I'm from Hawaii?
-[SCOFFS]

[CHUCKLES] Obviously, yes.

-Hawaiians ski, too, Larry.
-Hawaiians ski?

-Yeah.
-Ah! Who knew?

-I knew.
-Oh.

Wondering if you could do me
a little favor

when you're over in Turin.

-At the NATO summit,
you want me to do you a favor?
-LARRY: Yeah.

Tiny little thing. It's nothing.

-What is it?
-Tell the Danish prime minister

that I said hello. That's all.

In the middle
of the NATO summit...

-Yeah.
-...when we're discussing

critical national
security issues,

you want me to say to her,
"Hey, you know what?

-Larry said hi."
-That's all you gotta do.

What do you think's
gonna happen?

Just wondering
what her reaction might be.

You know what I think
her reaction would be?

-Hmm.
-I think she'd say,
"Larry, who?"

[LAUGHS] I... I don't think so.

-You didn't observe
our conversation...
-What--

...two years ago
when we were there.

You think it was as memorable
to her as it was to you?

I made her laugh.

-[MIMICS DANISH PRIME MINISTER]
"Ooh, you're so funny."
-That's how she said it?

-LARRY: [NORMALLY]
That's how she said it, yeah.
-She said, "Ooh"?

[MIMICS DANISH PRIME MINISTER]
"Ooh, you're so funny.
You're funny."

-Larry...
-LARRY: [NORMALLY] Yeah.

...I am not gonna do that.

-Are-- Are you insane?
-Why?

She's the Danish prime minister.
She doesn't know who you are.

-I made a big impression on her.
She knows who I am.
-Not to mention

the whole "tell somebody
I said hi" thing.

Nothing happens out of that.

Let's play this out.
I'm in the NATO summit.

You want me to go up
to the Danish prime minister

in the middle of this thing
and say,

"Old Lips Larry says hi."
Then I come back.

I have to then tell you,
"Helle says hi."

Now what? Nothing happens.

Now, I bore in on the attitude.

-You bore in?
-Yeah.

-What does that mean?
-That means, how did she react?

-Yeah, but-- Yeah.
-Did she go,
"Ooh! Ooh, Larry said hi"?

-Larry, that's--
-"You tell Larry

I said hi, too."

Larry, that's not a discussion
I want to have, all right?

-Let's just get back to work.
-Sure.

-All right.
-What's that about?

It's classified.

-I'm not gonna tell you.
-LARRY: Why?

I'm tremendous
at keeping secrets.

You know, my cousin Arthur
was a bigamist.

He had a wife
in New Hampshire...

-Uh-huh.
-...one in Queens.

He'd go back and forth
every other weekend.

He didn't tell anybody.

I'm the only person he told,
and I never told a soul.

-You told me.
-He's dead.

-Yeah. Okay.
-LARRY: Yeah.

And I've confided a lot
of sensitive stuff with you.

I told you about the time

I pooped in my pants
when I was 12 years old

-on the bus going to
the Botanical Gardens--
-Yeah. Larry, Larry, at the--

-Yeah?
-When you started
telling me this,

didn't want to hear it then,
don't want to hear it now.

You can imagine
how it traumatized me.

I don't really want
to imagine it.

LARRY: Twelve-year-old boy,
there were girls on the bus,

and they called me
"Diaper David" for years.

That's confidential information.

There's a reason why you didn't
get classified clearance.

Your behavior confirms
that was a wise decision.

-Is it Russia? China?
-Uh, Larry, it's--

-Nope.
-Taiwan. Oh my God. Taiwan?

-Excuse me, Mr. President.
-OBAMA: Yeah?

We have the press conference
on !sis in ten minutes.

Okay. Got it. All right.

I've gotta check on
a couple things.

-I'll be right back.
-Sure. Yeah.

Take your time.

[GASPS]

[SLURPS]

-[TELEPHONE RINGING]
-Mm! [YELPS]

-♪ [QUIRKY UPBEAT
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-[GASPS]

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-[TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

Ah, da, da! [GROANS]

♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪

-All right,
think I'm ready to go.
-[LARRY SIGHS]

♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC STING] ♪

Hey! You know what?

-What?
-I got an idea
that just might interest you.

-All right, what's your idea?
-I think...

-Yeah.
-...you should wear the tan suit

to the press conference.

-For this press conference?
-Yes.

-Why?
-Well, first of all, it's...

it's a gorgeous suit.

And that's why I'm taking it
to Turin.

There's a daytime event.

It's outdoors.
A little more casual.

And this is Casual Friday.

Hey, Brian, the boss wants
to try on the tan suit!

-I do love this suit. Mm.
-It's perfect.

You're casual.
And it's in the briefing room.

-It's not in the East Room.
-[SIGHS] Where's your tie?

Having lunch and, uh,

gonna... gonna get some soup.

-[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
-I'm gonna get some soup.

-You're taking my advice?
-Yeah.

-Smart. Yeah.
One last tip, though.
-LARRY: Huh?

A little bit
of a rookie mistake.

When you take the tie off,
you gotta pop the top.

-Oh, pop the top, yeah.
-OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
It'll look cooler.

-Yeah.
-Ah, thank you.

Oh. Oh. [CHUCKLES]

-It is a great suit.
-Oh, boy, oh, boy.

I think this is the move.

I'm gonna try it out,
see how it looks.

Old Lips won't let you down.

♪ [LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

You'll thank me.

-[DOOR CLOSES]
-[SIGHS]

-What do you think?
-Pretty good.

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-Pretty, pretty,

pretty, pretty good.

All right, let's go.
I got a press conference to do.

You sure about this?

Never been more sure
about anything in my life.

Okay. I'll be back.

People are gonna be
talking about this

for a long, long time.

♪ [GENTLE ORCHESTRAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Thank you for joining us
on this remarkable journey.

And some of it was even true.

American progress
has never been smooth or steady.

It zigs and zags
in fits and starts.

For every two steps forward,

it can feel like
we take one step back.

And sometimes, when we've taken
one of those steps back,

it can be tempting
to get discouraged,

or to give in to cynicism.

But the story of this country
should inspire us

to take the harder path,

to stay true to our ideals,

and to do whatever we can
to make a difference,

whether it's in our schools,
our workplaces,

our neighborhoods,
or our cities.

If we do, then I'm confident
that the next 250 years

of our American experiment
will be better than the last.

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

-OBAMA: Larry?
-Oh.

What you doing?

Oh, n-- n-- nothing.
Yeah. I, uh...

-lost a-- lost a button. Yeah.
-Ah, you did lose a button.

LARRY: Yeah.
What are you gonna do?

OBAMA:
Looks like the same button.

-[LAUGHS] Yeah.
-Yeah.

George Washington,
we have the same button.

-Yeah.
-What a coincidence, huh?

-What a coincidence.
-[LARRY SCOFFS]

All right.
Well, that was fun, huh?

-Yeah, it was great.
-Yeah.

-Enjoyed it.
-[SCOFFS] Oh, you know what?

Oh. Forgot my script.

I'll-- I'll, uh...
I'll be right back.

Larry, don't do it.

-What?
-I know what you're doing.

-I'm not doing anything.
-You're thinking about taking

George Washington's button.

That's the father
of our country. Come on.

-Okay. I... [SCOFFS]
-Come on.

-Like I was really gonna
take the button.
-Yeah.

-I'm not gonna take the button.
-You were gonna take the button.

-I wasn't gonna take it.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
-Yeah. Go ahead.

Say, hypothetically, uh,

-someone did
this television show, okay...
-Mm-hmm.

...and everybody hated it.
I mean, detested it.

You can't even leave your house
without getting insulted.

Would you...
Would you leave the country?

Mm. I would, if I were you.

-Ah. Mm.
-Mm.

-Well, I'll tell my friend.
-OBAMA: You do that.

LARRY: You know what, 44?

I think this could be
the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

OBAMA: I don't think so.

♪ ["THE STARS
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪