01x03 - Spoiler: Bert Is Magic

[bunniefuu]

- [MOB CLAMORING]
- ♪ [MENACING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

BERT KIBBLER:
This can't be happening!

Rain! Please, rain!

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

- [CHUCKLES]
- [MOB GASPING]

- Yes! Yes!
- ♪ [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Yes! [LAUGHS]

MOB ATTENDEE 1:
He called forth rain!

He controls the heavens.

He has the power!

♪ [MUSIC TURNS ETHEREAL,
SWELLS] ♪

♪ [THEME SONG PLAYING] ♪

♪ Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪

♪ But he fails
To save the universe ♪

♪ He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪

♪ But he fails
To save the universe ♪

♪ Stuart fails ♪

♪ [THEME SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

Just so I'm clear,

you told you to use that machine

to get back to your universe.

- Uh, no, not my universe.
- ♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

His universe, which was
supposed to be my universe.

- And he was you?
- Almost.

He was the me
I was supposed to have been.

But if you were supposed
to have been him,

then how could he have
existed to tell you that?

Fair question.

More importantly,
you and I are back together.

What do you mean,
"back together"?

- We were never together.
- Okay! Yep.

I see what your problem is.

You're confusing the you and I
that you remember

with the you and I
that I remember. Easy mistake.

- This is insane.
- [CHUCKLES] Yes, it is.

A wonderful story
to tell our grandchildren.

I need a drink.

- ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪
- Uh...

That's right. This version
of you is an alcoholic.

I'm not an alcoholic.
I can quit anytime I want.

Okay, I guess
I'll be here selling, uh...

whatever the hell this is.

- [SPIRIT SCREAMS]
- [SCREAMS]

There are legends of sorcerers

capable of controlling
the weather,

but no one's ever witnessed it.

Wait. So you guys think
that I'm the one who made it...?

[MOB AGREEING]

- 'Cause I did.
- [MOB LAUGHING]

Rain, snow, hail...

I do all your precipitation.

Are you in league with a demon?

Oh, no, I just ask nicely.
You know, "Please rain."

- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- [CHUCKLES]

[MOB GASPING]

Ta-da!

♪ ["THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC"
BY FRANK SINATRA
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] ♪

♪ That old black magic
Has me in its spell... ♪

One more time.

♪ That old black magic... ♪

So, anyway, he thinks
he can pick up with me

right where he left off
with the other me.

The you from another universe?

You got it. And dig this.

He claims he got all that
from another version of himself.

I'm guessing
from another universe?

Exactly.

Okay. Why don't we get
some food in that stomach?

[FINGERS SNAP]

Deviled eggs,
little on the nose.

♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS] ♪

- ♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
- Here's your Coke, sir.

- Diet?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- It's regular.
- Not a problem.

- [WHOOSHING CHIME]
- Now, it's Diet.

[MOB EXCLAIMING]

You like that? Watch this.

- Dr. Pepper!
- [WHOOSHING CHIME]

[MOB EXCLAIMING]

You can control the elements.

Can you manifest life?

You mean like hocus pocus puppy?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [MOB EXCLAIMING]

Look at you!

- [WHOOSHING CHIME]
- House-broken.

[MOB EXCLAIMING]

Does your magic work
in the bedroom?

I don't need magic
in the bedroom.

I'm a good listener.

- [MOANS]
- [MOB EXCLAIMING]

Mm.

Colder.

♪ [ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS,
FADES] ♪

Mm. There we go.

- [MOB CHUCKLES]
- ♪ [QUIRKY MUSICAL STING] ♪

Holy cow, this is unbelievable.

- Hey.
- Where have you been?

[WITH RHOTACISM]
Wooking everywhere for you.

Have you seen Bert?

I have not.
I have not seen Bert, no.

- Should we be worried?
- Were you worried about me?

- Not really, no.
- Well, there you go.

Huh. Hey... [CHUCKLES]
Check this out.

In a universe of magic,
what are the comic books?

Dr. Strange Colorectal Surgeon.

It's a great story.

He does a bowel resection.

Yeah, tewwific.
We gotta get out of here.

- ♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- Why? It's not such a bad world.

We could chill here for a while.

Stuart, the people here
think science is evil.

How's that different
from our world?

Besides, we can't leave
without Bert and Denise.

[CHUCKLES] Bert will be fine,
and you can always

get a new Denise
in the next universe.

They're a dime a dozen.

- No, I want this one.
- ♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

She's got a little problem
with the sauce,

but so did my mom.

Maybe that's why I'm finding her
so attractive.

- [SWITCHES CLICKING]
- What are you doing?

What are you doing? Stop that.

- Stop-- Stop it.
- Come on, work. Work.

- Ow!
- Stop that!

It's not working.
Why isn't it working?

I don't know.
You're the scientist.

- [SHUSHES]
- What?

They burn scientists here.

- Burn them how?
- With fire.

What do you mean, "how"?
Wait a minute.

If this universe doesn't obey
the waws of physics,

then maybe we need magic.

Okay. You know a wizard
or a sorcerer or something?

I do not. I absolutely do not.

[SIGHS] Remember
when you could just say,

"Hey, Alexa,
show me wizards near me"?

- Yeah.
- RASPY VOICE: Yeah, what?

- [YELPS]
- [SCREAMS] What the hell?

Come on. I'm the demon Alexa.
You summoned me.

I'm fweaked out.
You fweaked out?

- Mm-hmm.
- Tick tock.

- Got a lot of people waiting.
- Uh...

Okay, uh...

- Are there any wizards around?
- Checking.

♪ [DOWNBEAT JAUNTY MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

While you wait, I noticed
your shopping list is empty.

How you doin' with paper towels?

Will you just
show us some wizards?

Do not take that tone
with me, buddy boy.

- Sowwy.
- Okay.

Here are some wizards near you.

[SCROLL HUMMING]

How's it going?

Can't complain.

Stuart, here's a name
I wecognize.

Bernadette Wostenkowski,
master sowcewess.

- ♪ [INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- Really? Bernadette?

Yeah, four-and-a-half stars.

Well, you guys want
this broad's address or what?

Uh... Uh...
Walking, not dwiving?

♪ ["WITCHCRAFT"
BY SUSAN VAUGHAN PLAYING] ♪

DENISE: And don't even get me
started on Stuart.

He says he loves me.

Well, the Stuart I know,
he was kind of a wimpy guy.

And then this Stuart comes in
and he's like,

he's taking me from universe
to universe, you know.

And sometimes he loses me,
but he always finds me.

He always finds me.
But it's a different me.

Totally different.
But still love, right?

- SUZANNE: Sure.
- Yeah. [SCOFFS]

Oh, my God. Gary.

Hi, Gary!

[CHUCKLES] Hey, Gary.

- Have we met?
- Gary,

we were in a terrible marriage
for six years.

But we never fought, not once.

'Cause we had shock collars.

They really hurt.

You'd be getting all mad,
and you'd be like...

[GRUNTS VIOLENTLY, COUGHS]

You used to part your hair
on the other side.

I think I liked it better.

- Oh. Oh.
- ♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

ABRAMOWITZ THE GREY: [OVER TV]
Have you or a loved one
been injured

by a defective spell
or faulty incantation?

Call me, Abramowitz the Grey.

Over 700 years' experience
in magical litigation.

[ORB TINKLING]

- [BANGING ON DOOR]
- Now what?

[TV CLICKS OFF]

Oh. Hey, Stuart. Kripke.

- You know us?
- Of course, I know you.

- What do you want?
- Can we come in?

I'm kind of busy, but okay.

Excuse the mess.
I gave up giving a sh*t.

[MUNCHING]
So, what's up, buttercup?

Well, this is gonna sound crazy,
but we've got this machine

that allows you to travel
between alternate universes.

And we just need
a wittle abwacadabwa

to jump-start the damn thing.

Sorry to disappoint you,
but I'm all out of abracadabra.

Word on the street

is you're wike
a worwd-wenowned sowcewess.

- Used to be.
- What happened?

Not that it's any
of your business,

but the Wizards Guild of America

claimed I used my powers
while we were on strike.

What were you on strike for?

Better dental,
residuals for eternal spells.

It's ridiculous.
We were out for six months,

and basically, everyone got
a handful of magic beans.

So, did you use your powers
during the strike?

My neighbor's son had a dog.

- A little rescue. Adorable.
- ♪ [TENDER MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Called him Chocolate Chip

because he kind of
looked like a cookie.

[BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY]

Anyway, he ran out into traffic
and a car hit him.

Hmm.

- Then another car.
- [EXHALES]

Then another one.

- Then another one.
- Got it. Cars.

The kid's crying.

I couldn't stand there
and do nothing.

- So, I used my powers to bring
Chocolate Chip back to life.
- ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

I don't see how
that's bweaking a stwike.

Exactly. Let me
tell you something

about Wizards Guild of America.

Ninety percent
of them don't even work,

and yet they get to vote.

[WHISPERS] Ninety. Wow.

Isn't there something
that you can do?

- Can you fiwe an appeaw?
- Not really.

I mean,
there is a reversal spell

that would give me
my powers back,

but the key ingredient
is impossible to find.

Wh... What are we talking about?

Uh, saffwon? Twuffews?

Blood of an innocent.
Not a lot. Two teaspoons.

- ♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- Maybe a cup.

Bwood of an innocent.
[GROANS] I'm out.

How about you?

Me? No. [CLEARS THROAT]
No, I'm not innocent.

I've had-- I've had girlfriends.

- How many?
- Mm, um...

[SPUTTERS] Hmm.

Mm... [SPUTTERS]

One.

I can work with that.

You heard the wady.
Start bweeding.

- ♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
- [HESITATES] Uh...

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- ♪ [INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

That was more than a cup.

We're gonna need some backup

in case your bwood
doesn't do the twick.

You're right. Hey, Alexa.

Huh. Hey, Alexa.

- ♪ [JAUNTY MUSICAL STING] ♪
- I was taking a dump.

What do you want?

Where would we find
Sheldon Cooper?

Searching.

Sheldon Cooper is
currently starring

in a revival
of Man of La Mancha on Broadway.

Damn it.
We'll never get him to help us.

BARRY KRIPKE: I saw that with,
uh, John Withgow.

STUART BLOOM: Oh,
he's always good. Oh.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ To bear
With unbearable sorrow ♪

- Hey, Stuart.
- ♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

- Bert!
- Oh... sh*t, oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t!

- [GROANS]
- What was that?

Oh, yeah. I'm magic now. Watch.

[RUMBLING WHOOSH]

[BARRY GROANS]

Weawwy?

I'm terribly sowwy, Bert.
Pwease forgive me?

You let them set me on fire.

It was peer pwessure.
I am fiwwed with wegwet.

They were going
to burn me at the stake,

and he did nothing!

Oh, Barry!

I know. I'm tewwible.
Pwease change me back.

Change you back?
I should turn you into a maggot.

No, penguin's fine!
Happy to be a penguin.

- Who are they?
- [MOB CLAMORING]

Oh, yeah. They're my acolytes.

- Acolytes?
- Yeah.

They worship me.
See the really pretty one?

- I got to first base.
- Oh, happy for you.

MENACING VOICE: [ECHOING]
Stuart Bloom!

♪ [MENACING MUSICAL STING] ♪

Wil Wheaton?

Did you give blood
to Bernadette Rostenkowski?

- A little. Why?
- ♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Oh, you stupid, stupid man.

The guild sanctioned her
for a reason.

Oh, yeah, the dog.

What dog? She's a demon.

Oh, she can be a little bitchy.
I wouldn't call her a demon.

Okay, I have no time for this.

- [FIRE ROARING]
- It is the ruling of the guild

that you have enabled a demon,

and therefore,
you must be destroyed.

STUART: No!

- [RUMBLING WHOOSH]
- [MOB GASPS]

Don't throw magic fireballs
at my friend.

- No!
- ♪ [MUSIC INTENSIFIES] ♪

Shitty f*cking penguin wings.
[SHOUTS IN FRUSTRATION]

[WHOOSHING WARBLE]

♪ [DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

What the hell?

Over here!

[WARBLING WHOOSHES, BLASTS]

What is happening?

Well, let's see. Bert's magic,
Kripke's a penguin.

Hey.

And Wil Wheaton's mad

'cause I gave blood
to Bernadette.

- Why?
- She may or may not have

- saved Chocolate Chip.
- A cookie?

- A dog.
- Oh.

♪ [MUSIC TURNS MENACING] ♪

[SHARK GROWLS]

♪ [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC
RESUMES] ♪

Oh, you idiot.

Can't you see
I'm trying to save the world?

Nope.

- [SCREAMING]
- [WARBLING WHOOSH]

[ECHOING WHOOSH]

Oh, baby!

Bernadette... is not
who you think she is!

She is a demon!

A real, actual demon!

[SCREAMING]

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

Is it over?

Yeah. I think
maybe I overdid it.

Oh, don't feel bad, buddy.
He started it.

♪ [HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

What's that for?

Maybe you're great.

Maybe there is something here.

Really?

Aww.

♪ [MELODIOUS HARP NOTES PLAY] ♪

Guys... Uh, guys,
you need to see this.

- [INDISTINCT CLAMOR]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]

♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

BERNADETTE ROSTENKOWSKI:
Excuse me. Sorry.

Oop, coming through.

Oop. Sorry. Oopsie.

[RESIDENT SCREAMS]

Ooh! Like your shoes.

- Eh...
- [RESIDENT SCREAMING]

"Demon" was witeral!
"Demon" was witeral!

[CROWD SCREAMING]

[MOB SCREAMING]

- [LOUD SQUELCH]
- No!

[LOUD CRASHING]

You have the machine
that spans worlds.

STUART: Whoa! Oh!

I want it.

[YELPS] Bert, quick,
fix the machine!

- How?
- Magic. Do magic.

I don't know this magic!

- Try anything!
- Work.

- [GROANS]
- [GRUNTS]

- Turn on.
- [DEVICE CHIMES]

- Turn on more.
- [DEVICE ROARING]

I want to rule them all!

[PORTAL WARBLES]

- Ah, sh*t!
- ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

- [WHOOSHING WARBLE]
- [ECHOING SCREAMS]

♪ ["CRAZY"
BY WILLIE NELSON PLAYING] ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Crazy for feeling so lonely ♪

[ECHOING RUMBLE]

- ♪ I'm... ♪
- ♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

- [RUMBLE STOPS]
- STEPHANIE: Mr. Bloom.

How are we today?

- What?
- Time for your meds.

- Meds?
- Mm-hmm, three o'clock.

Okay.

[SLURPS]

[GULPS]

Oh, isn't that nice?

You're very talented. Mm-hmm.

♪ [MUSIC GROWS LOUDER] ♪

♪ And then someday ♪

♪ You'd leave me
For somebody new ♪

Oh, this is not good.

♪ Worry ♪

♪ Why do I let myself worry? ♪

♪ Wondering ♪

♪ What in the world did I do? ♪

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ For thinking
That my love could hold you ♪

♪ I'm crazy for trying ♪

♪ Crazy for crying ♪

♪ And I'm crazy for loving you ♪

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪