01x02 - Triangle

[bunniefuu]

[ Laughter ]

Hey! Too far!
It's ominous down there!

So go get it ominously!

[ Screams ]

It's okay, little girl.

We'll take it from here.

Actually, we'll take it
from here.

Actually,
we'll take it from here.

Gentlemen!
We'll take it from here.

Who's that?
What did he say?

He's FBI!
He says he'll take it from here!

He can say that all he wants.

But we tend to take it
from here.

Every time.
Not this time.

Wait, Troy, what the hell?

Sorry, Bob.
I've always been MIB.

Yes, but you've never been
Majestic Level.

Hank, what the hell?
Sorry, Tyler.

Okay. Wow. I guess you guys
are taking it from here.

You think I'm taking
anything from anywhere

with this guy ever again?

Good point.
Why don't you two pricks

just take everything
from everywhere?

What do you think?
You... want to take it?

From here? With me?

My whole life, I've been
taking things from places.

Today it's from here,

tomorrow it'll be God knows what

from God knows where.

Just once,
I'd like to give it from here,

to someone
who can take it anywhere...

[ Helicopter blades whirring ] That's
beautiful, gentlemen. But unnecessary.

Troy. Bob. Hank. Tyler.

Yes, sir. Mister President. Sir.

We'll take it from here.

Man:
Is that the President?

I can't hear anything
that's going on.

We thought we were taking it from here...
My partner of 15 years just revealed...

but the President is!
They're a stranger!

I refuse to take this
personally,

but I will never trust
anyone again!

I couldn't parse most of that,
so I'm assuming

the Coast Guard
is taking it from here?

All: No!
Okay!

That's all you had to say!
God-uh!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Banks:
How does the Loch Ness Monster

wash up in Miami
wearing a prison jumpsuit?

Is Scotland exporting insanity

and doesn't Florida
have a surplus?

That jumpsuit isn't
from a normal prison.

It's from The Triangle.

America's secret
maximum security prison

at the heart
of the Bermuda Triangle.

We have a paranormal Guantanamo?

Well, we can't put a ghost
in a regular prison, Banks.

Because they would love it.

Because they'd walk
through the walls.

Unless they were ghost walls.

Oh, and you don't think
they'd love that?

The Triangle is supposed
to be a sealed box.

But pointier.
With less sides.

This is the fourth escape
in three years.

Hm.
It's almost like a sealed,

pointy box full of bad stuff
eventually erupts.

They should invent a
name for that. Lava pyramid.

Our monster prison
isn't leaking monsters

because of chaos theory,
dorkatron.

All of these escapees
have happened under one warden.

And look at this... every
single escapee was registered

in the prison logs
as deceased...

before they could
have possibly escaped.

They're getting help
from the inside.

Corrupt guards?
Or you think it goes

all the way up to the warden?

I don't get paid to think.

I mean, I do a little, but
I get results through action.

It's time the Triangle
got a surprise inspection.

Marine style.
White gloves and armored boots.

With fine-toothed combs
on the toes of the boots.


the insides of asses.

I am so pumped for this.

Good. Because you're going
in undercover.

As an inmate.
Wait, wha... Sir?

It does makes sense to go in
from the top and the bottom.

We'd never know
which guards are corrupt

by asking a warden
that's complicit or oblivious.

You're a man I can trust,
and, as a half-leprechaun,

you'd be fast-tracked
to the Triangle.

I'm a man you can trust because
I hate that I'm half-leprechaun.

I literally never lie.

I can't pretend
to be a criminal.

Who says you'd be pretending,
you fancy,

gold-sucking, rainbow-loving
piece of sh*t?

Sir. No. No. I know
what you're doing.

[ Irish accent] I stole
yer lucky charms, me boy!

What...
What is happening?

He's trying to goad me
into assaulting him

by saying lepre-phobic sh*t,
which makes zero sense

because I'm already ashamed
of my paranormal ethnicity.

You love your mother.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Electricity zaps ]

Damn! Can't believe I got
put next to the guy

who assaulted the President
with a stapler.

What'd they get you for?

Eh, lured some schoolgirls
into the woods,

made 'em stab each other.

But they got me on tax evasion.

Sorry, I-I gotta sit down.

[ All screaming ]

Banks:
Actually kind of excited, sir.

It's my first recon mission.

And based on our
recent field work,

I've adopted a more versatile
system of safety protocols.

Don't nerf yourself
for my sake, Banks.

I do dangerous work, and I need
dangerous people on my team.

[ Exhales heavily ]
Woo!

Faster than a velociraptor, but
still slower than a baby yeti.

Also, how dangerous do you
really want your people?

Our country has a secret
detention center for freaks,

and your only problem
is that sometimes they get out.

It's not a prison
for quirky X-Men

and sexy scissorhands, Banks.

It's the only place capable
of housing literal monsters

that commit actual crimes.

So I should be a dangerous freak
but never a criminal monster.

And the difference is?
You're on my team.

[ Both scream ]
Pilot: Mr. President!

We're entering the Triangle's
outer fringe!

This is as far
as Air Force One can go!

What?
But we're still in the air.

Yep.
Time to change planes.

Deploying umbilical!

Woman: Secured
and ready for passengers!

Amelia:
Hello, Mister President!

Welcome aboard!

Thanks for the assist, Amelia!

Wait, Amelia?
As in Earhart?!

The one and only, dollface!
[ Squeals ]

She's the only pilot that can
navigate the Bermuda Triangle.

FDR's people found her
here flying in circles,

so they put her in charge
of Triangle transit.

Classic FDR,
just giving out jobs.

Then Truman gave me
these babies!

[ Rapid g*nf*re ]

[ Laughs maniacally ]

[ Shark screams ]
Yes!

[ Cow moos ]

[ Dune worm shrieks ]

[ Laughs maniacally ]

So... she can never land?

Wouldn't want to, kid!
Love flying.

Landing?
That's for cars!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Uhh...
We're here!

Here, put this on.
We parachute from here.

Okay, fun. Huge fan.

Thank you for all
you've done for Americans.

And women.
And lesbians.

[ Grunts ]
You're welcome!

Wait, people are
still doing labels?

Whoo-hoo!

Alright, Banks, no matter
what this guy says or does,

remember we're not here
to make friends.

Mister President.
Warden Ken Jeffries.

Save the pleasantries, Warden.

I'm here for a full inspection.

Loud and clear, sir.

That's how we did it
in the Marines.

You're a Marine?

Three-Eight, Camp Lawson,
Okinawa.

Oo-rah!
Oo-rah!

Oo-rah!
Oo-rah!

Oo-rah!
Oo-rah!

Oo-rah! Yeah! Oooooo-rah!

[ Both laugh ]
Um, guys?

My office is this way.
Want to march?

I was just gonna say!

[ Chanting ] I don't know
what I've been told!

Curtis: [ Chanting ] I've been
told what I've been told!

♪♪

Spirits! Aliens!

Mutants and Goo-gas!

Welcome to The Triangle!

You are here because
you have haunted, morphed,

doppelganged, eaten,
or maliciously laid eggs

in the greatest country
on Earth.

[ Laughs evilly ] Your kingdom
is a fleeting dream.

If death cannot contain me,
how will you?

I am Dracu...

[ Screaming ] Well, in here,
you are Prisoner 7-5-6-2.

If you open your mouth,
we will shut it.

If you extend a second,
telescoping mouth,

we will teleport you
into solid rock.

Guard: I don't want to hear
a single villain monologue

from you worms or a single worm
monologue from you villains.

From here on out, your a*s,
ovipositor, pellet tube,

fecal portal,
or possessed car trunk

belongs to me!

Jeffries: Triangle mint
on a triangle tray?

Thanks.
I'm good.

I know what you're thinking...

"That's a pretty pointy shape

to base an entire prison's
interior decor around."

But half these animals
have razor-sharp bones,

and the other half can suck
your soul through your nostrils,

so why use a plastic
butter knife, right?

I'm mostly worried
about the very large,

triangular trophy displayed
on that remarkably high shelf.

Ah! You're thinking
if there's a big riot

and a climactic showdown
in this office,

I'll end up impaled
by a symbol of my hubris.

Well, if so,
I'll welcome that death.

Oo-rah!
But also we should talk about

how your prisoners escape a lot.

You're damn right we should.

This prison needs to be
locked down and sealed tight.

I've got a thousand guards,
and I can trust about 50.

And they're all marines.
Marines!

Guys, maybe we could
take a look at the site

of the Loch Ness Monster escape?

I mean, it's just a wall
with a big hole in it,

but if you really think
looking at it will help...

Sorry.
I brought my boss.

[ Humming ]

Hey, Mister Newbie,
can I ask you a question?

Are you gonna squeal
like a piggy when I...

[demonic voice] rend and mince
the soft puckered flesh

of your sphincter?!

Yeah, yeah.
You're a Soul Ganderer.

You can't touch people
that don't look at you.

[ Grumbling ]

He'll try to get you
with a mirror tonight.

I don't need a prison tutor.
Oh, that's probably true.

You are doing better
than Dracula.

Blah. Blah.

[ Sniffles ] Blah.
[ Cries ]

Hey.
Nosfor-c*ck-tu.

[ Laughs ]

You'll never be cool.

Uh-huh.

Hey, you scanning the room?

It's my job to scan.

He didn't mean any harm,
Metaldetectoid.

If I want any information
from you, I'll scan you.

The only thing
I'm scanning right now

is this half-breed's
triangle jello.

You should recalibrate.

Ah!
Ah, sh*t, my lens!

It's pretty crazy
he didn't scan that coming.

Oh, my God,
I-I'm seeing color bars!

Jeffries:
This is where Nessie got out.

Triple-plated steel.
Electrified.

Voltage wasn't
Scottish Dinosaur-rated, though.

That's on me.
Takes a man to admit that.

What are all these doors?

Part of my new inmate
work initiative.

We have the prisoners
paint the doors.

I got the idea
from "Monsters, Inc."

Huh? I got a prison
full of monsters, right?

Why not put 'em to work?
Right, right.

Like a one-eyed Billy Crystal.

That's what I called
my wiener in the Marines.

Hey!
Do that thing differently!

Sir, this is getting ridiculous.

You've completely dropped
your standards

and are letting
this guy slide on everything

because he's a Marine.
That's accurate.

But is that
what a Marine would do?

Nice try.
The answer is yes.

Because the marines are
pre-vetted by the Marines.

If you can be a Marine,
you can do anything.

As long as there's a Pixar movie
to guide you, I guess?

Would it be more rational
for them to make license plates?

Did that trope ever make sense?

He's just making
the place efficient.

Like the Post Office.

Ooh, g*dd*mn,
I love the Post Office.

Friends, my apologies.
No problem.

You said you had
a voltage issue?

Should we look at
your power grid?

That is next to the game room.

Oo-rah!
Oo-rah!

Oo-rah!
Yeah!

I'm just going to...
check out some...

Who cares? You're gone.

Whoa!
Sorry, can't let you do that.

New protocols...
you said no snooping.

Yeah, but I think we just need

to crawl in this hole
and make sure.

Kinda defeats the purpose
of having guidelines.

You want me to deactivate
so you can do some bad sh*t?

No, no, I want guidelines.

It's just this once, okay?

If I do it again, you can double
down on the restrictions.

Sounds like a slippery slope,
but alrighty!

[ Panting ]

Hey. Those guards...

you think they could help
move some contraband?

Har! Narc much?

[ Laughing ]
Yar-har-har-har!

He heard a rumor
you're an undercover cop.

Why would anyone think that?

Eh, I can't speak for them.

Me, I've got telepathic
filaments in my tentacles,

so I actually know you're
working for The President.

Hey, relax.
I'm telling you I know

because I want you to find
what you're looking for

before you get k*lled.

And what am I looking for?
It's not what.

It's where.
And where is that?

Mm, let's just say you're...
Will you f*cking stop?!

So-rry! God-uh!

[ Panting ]
[ Machinery hums ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ahh! Ugh!

Ugh! Ugh!

Jesus!

"Prisoner Not Found."

Why am I not surprised?

Ow! What the hell?
Hi again!

Looks like you're about to jack
into a dead sentient android.

That's bad.
I'm just accessing its memory,

probably to bring its K*llers
to justice.

But you said to double down
if you broke protocol again.

Oh, my God.
If I do something actually bad,

you can make it hurt.

Until then, override and
give me some damn flexibility.

[ Scoffs ] Don't yell at me.
You programmed me.

Android: Ahhh!
I-I can't take it anymore!

Hernandez, help
me tighten these restraints.

Is it a weird time to say I'm
morally conflicted about this?

No, it's the perfect time,
Hernandez!

Ahhh!

[ Electronic beeping ]

I need to find Hernandez.

[ Squishing ]
Ugh.

Okay.
Side quest completed.

[ Door buzzing ]
That's it. East Wing.

That's where Nessie went?

Guards tried to take him there,
and he went berserk.

Hell, I don't blame him... you
go there, you never come back.

That's why the escapees

are registered as deceased
before they leave.

They're not being helped
from inside.

They're being marked for death
and doing their best to get out.

[ Whistle blows ] Guard:
Yard time is over, freaks!

Get your ugly asses, carapaces,

and prehensile tails
back inside now!

Not you two.
You know what happens

when inmates try to find out
if we're corrupt, don't ya?

You reveal your corruption?

It's the least we can do.

Hey, Metaldetectoid, you hungry?

Yeah.
For unfinished beef.

How is this a threat?

I already beat this guy up
in one move.

And by scanning that move,

I extrapolated
your entire combat style.

Prepare to fight... yourself!

Rahh!

[ Grunting ]

Why would fighting yourself

be harder than fighting
a stranger?!

I fight myself every day!

[ Grunting intensely ]

Hey! Hey!
Whoa, take it easy!

We get it, man! You're good
at kicking your own a*s!

[ Bleats ] You get a pack
of cigs when you k*ll 'em.

Use your horns.
He's feisty.

If you think
I'm scared of a leprechaun,

you don't know goat.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Spider:
You think I'm stupid?

I'm not fighting them
for a pack of cigs!

But I would do it
for a picture of your wife.

Deal.

Mm-mm-mmm.

What's a hot spider like her
even doing with a guy like you?

Maybe it's not really my wife.

Maybe I've been giving you
photos of spiders

to make you do sh*t.
[ Sighs ]

Tangled in the web
of my own porn addiction.

Both: ♪ We're eagle, globe,
and anchor ♪

♪ We fight
with piss and rancor ♪

♪ Semper Fi, that's my guy ♪

Marines!

Yeah! [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughs ]

It's amazing, isn't it?

We were both soldiers,

and now we're each kings
of our own domains.

In a way, you've got a
harder country to run than I do.

Trying to contain
all these monsters.

Well, if they let me run
it the way I really want,

both of us could be happy.

♪ The world is full,
of different folks ♪

♪ And some of them
are monsters ♪

♪ They're not like us,
so lock them up ♪

♪ And seal their screams
forever ♪

♪ If the cells get full,
you cull the herd ♪

♪ And their deaths
will be my... ♪

h*! Whoa!
Okay, a little extreme.

I didn't know you'd go
full n*zi.

Aren't people who call
people Nazis the real Nazis?

[ Cellphone ringing ]
Nope. Answer your phone.

This is Jeffries.

Christ. Alright, I'm coming.

What was that?
Fight in the yard.

A new leprenoid
k*lled 20% of Cell Block D.

Uh, about that.

The "leprenoid's" mine.

Before I came, I, uh...
I put him undercover

because I thought you might
be... incompetent.

Oh.
Quite the "oo-rah" move.

Right?
But you can bring him up here.

He won't be causing you
any more trouble.

You're right about that.

"Guard button?"

Oh, wait... what is this?

I'm sorry it had to come
to this, Curtis.

So really it's a door button.

The guards were
already waiting behind the door.

Also, you really think
you can get away with this?

I'm the President!

You're in the Bermuda Triangle.

It would have been weirder
if you'd made it back home.

Rgh! I guess you pushed the
"bag over the head" button?!

Ugh!

[ Groaning ] Huh?

What is... What is this?

[ Grunts ]

[ Sighs ] Can't believe
I trusted that monster.

Not always a bad thing, sir.

O'Doyle? I came in
here hating these freaks,

but I found kindness
in a radioactive Swamptopus.

Hi.

How radioactive is he?

Like a laptop on a crotch or...?

Jeffries: Alright, test subjects
are locked in.

Canisters are online.

Begin the extraction!

Aghh! God in heaven!

[ All screaming ]

Sir, I have a technique
for this...

Imagine every scream brings
your mother closer to orgasm.

What?!
So you deprive her of it!

[ All screaming ]

[ All breathing heavily ]

Jeffries: Did the tank
fill with anything?

No, sir.
Goddammit!

I added microchips
to the canisters.

How is it still not collecting
their screams?

Wait, you're seriously doing
a "Monsters, Inc."?

I told you I was!

You got it backwards, you idiot.

You're supposed
to use children for the screams.

That's what the doors are for!

We were eventually
going to connect them

to children's closets.

And then, of course...
come the giggles.

Goddammit, how desperate was I
to connect with someone?

Check the wiring
and run it again!

Harder!

[ Curtis screaming ]

Hey, pal, this East Wing,
Room 213?

You know it.
t*rture central.

You believe that's the
President of the United States

squealing in there?

[ Screams ]

Thank God.
I don't know how long

I could've sustained
that guard accent.

Urgh!
Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Whirring ]

Ahhh!

What do you think?
Do you like it?

What the f*ck?!
Why am I on fire?!

I did what you asked!

You're trying to hack
into a federal prison.

Override!
Just open door 213!

Okay, okay. Hmm, so
many doors. [ Screaming ]

[ Chuckles ] Might take
a while to find that.

Hmm, let's see.
[ Hums ]

Oh, my God,
just open all the doors!

Ahh!
Thought you'd never ask!

I love us. Byeeee!

[ Screams ]

[ Alarm blaring ]

[ Screams ]
I'll never do it again!

Ooh! Pain's gone.
Might do it again.

[ Screaming ]

Stop! Let me go!

All I did was lead
a troubled child

to an eternal realm
of light and love!

Never saw it.

[ Babies cooing ]
Blah!

[ Babies crying ]

[ Laughing ]
Yar-ha-ah-ha-har!

[ Whispers indistinctly ]

Oh sh*t! Oh, God!
I've been so mean to them!

[ Panting ]

Oh, it's just you.

What are you gonna do,
turn into a bat?

[ Gasping ]

No, no, no... Agh!

Meeting adjourned.

Check out me, Dracula,
in "Monster Squad," 1987.

What the hell is going on?!

[ Tires screech ]

Thanks for the lift,
Evil Haunted Car.

♪ I'm not haunted,
I'm just evil ♪

You!

♪ It's time to chase you down ♪
Ahh!

Banks!
Holy sh*t, way to go!

I know, right?
I'm kind of awesome.

I should've listened to you,
Banks.

I got so sucked up
in Marine culture

and bro-ing out,
I-I took my eyes off the ball.

I was wrong, too, sir.
There's things in here

that need to stay
locked up forever.

Yeah, but not all of them. Hi.

So, all our lessons
cancel each other out?

Maybe the lesson is that,
together, we learn nothing.

Can we just go back
to that evil car?

I mean, if it was making up
original songs to communicate,

why not just talk?

So much extra work.

[ Minion snarling ]

Right. Let's go!

[ All grunting, panting ]

[ Beeping ]

TV ghost!

This is why you need
ghost walls!

[ Grunts ] Jeff Dunham
should be in this cell, not me!

[ Groans ]
[ Beeping ]

[ Girl giggling ]

Um, guys?

You wanna play a game?

It's called oopsies killsies.

Nobody look at her.
She can't hurt you

if you don't look.
I already did.

Yeah, obviously I did.
I said "um, guys"

to draw everyone's attention
to her.

Yeah, I looked at her, too.

[ Giggles ]
Here comes the...

[demonic voice]
predictable big voice!

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! Run!

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Growls ]

Get ready to be
a head on my shoulders!

[ Engine shuts off ]

Sometimes the best way
to fly is to land!

Amelia! Whoa! Big assist!

You, ma'am, are a legend!

Well, now f*cking what?

Stupid... [ Grumbling ]

It's over, you piece of sh*t.

You ruined it!

You know how long I plotted

to get that scream power?!

Was any of today real?

Were you even a Marine?

Of course I was,

but I got kicked out
for k*lling another Marine

and pirating "Toy Story,"
not in that order.

So this whole time,
you were the real monster.

Obviously!
They gave me a trophy for it!

[ Ding! ]

Oo-rah!

Ugh! Ow!

Ahh!

Ugh! [ Groans ]

I saw this coming.
[ Groans] I set it up.

You better tell the people

that I-I died getting out
in front of it.

Ow! [ Groans ]

[ Canister humming ]

Did that canister
just fill up with power?

It looks like he accidentally

invented a way to contain irony.

What? Didn't he just tape
microchips and wires

to the outside of a scuba tank
with a horn on it?

[ Canister hums, dings ]

Okay, we get it.

Eh, that should do it.

All set, Mr. President.

Bit tricky figuring out

how to get a consistent signal

through a pocket
of intangible ether.

But you were in a pinch,
and you called Finch.

Yes, Finch,
you're a very memorable person.

[ Line ringing ]

[ Telephone rings ]
Warden Earhart.

Amelia, you've got
a direct line to me now,

I want open communication

between the Triangle
and my office.

Of course, sir.
And do I get a secretary?

Is she gonna be hot?

Uhh, I-I'll see
what's in the budget.

Also how is the, uh, Swamptopus?

He's doing good.
Started tutoring other monsters,

trying to help them
get their GEDs.

See, in my day, I was a monster

for having boobies
and flying a plane.

These rag-a-muffins
deserve a chance

to be seen differently, too.

You're the boss, Amelia.

Thanks, Mr. President!

And good boobie-bye.

Welp, seems like our
secret monster Guantanamo's

finally in good hands.
And as for me,

instead of limiting my behavior
with painful internal protocols,

I've decided to trust myself
with a more subtle reminder.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Wait, which one is ringing?

They need to jiggle when they
ring so I have a visual cue.

I think it's the pentagram.

What happens if I answer
and they're not calling?

Then it calls them.
[ Groans ]

Hang on, I got this.

[ Door whirs ]

[ Muffled ringing ]

Alright, I'll add a jiggle.

God-uhh!

♪ Sometimes monsters
go to prison ♪

♪ Sometimes they don't ♪

♪ Sometimes
we're the real monsters ♪

♪ When the monster
is our shame ♪

♪ But who's to blame ♪

♪ If we don't wash our ba*ls? ♪

[ Chuckling ]
Blah! Blah!

Who's that?

You don't want to f*ck with him.

He used to get picked on,

but then he turned into a bat,

flew into
a prison guard's mouth,

and turned back into Dracula.

Inside the guy.

So, if I fight him,

I just need to keep
my mouth closed?

Are you talking about Dracula?

Mind your own business.
[ Hisses ]

You did it now, fish!

[ Bat grunting ]

[ Indistinct shouting,
cheering ]