01x01 - Lost

[bunniefuu]

["Jerusalem" playing]

[music fades]

[dramatic music playing on TV]

{\an8}[TV narrator] Great whites are found
in temperate and tropical regions

{\an8}around the world.

They prefer cooler waters
and are often spotted in areas

with high concentrations of prey,
such as seal colonies.

Hey, guys. What you up t--

- Ow! What was that for?
- What?

Why did you swipe me in the face?

- [cat 1 laughs]
- I'm a cat. That's what cats do.

- Yeah, but why?
- Don't know. It's just what I do.

- What you do?
- Yeah.

- Right.
- I just do stuff.

I don't.

I do f*ck all.
Eat sh*t and die, that's my motto.

- Eat… You eat sh*t?
- No.

Eat comma sh*t, and die.

- You do eat sh*t.
- I have eaten sh*t.

- [cat 2 sighs]
- I've eaten his sh*t.

- Yeah, lapped it all up, didn't ya?
- Yeah, big old lump. Loved it.

All gone. Yum, yum.

All gone in my tum-tums.

- f*ck' hell.
- Oh my God.

We're watching a thing about sharks.
Well hard, those b*stards.

You know what the most dangerous animal
on the planet is, right?

- Easy. Shark.
- No.

- What?
- No.

- What could beat a shark?
- Right, well--

- k*ller whale.
- No, no, listen.

- Man.
- Pfft. What man?

Yeah, what man in the sea
bobbing around like a c**t

is more dangerous
than a f*cking k*ller whale?

- Or a shark.
- I'm not talking about an individual man.

I don't mean that. I mean humans.

- All right.
- When I say man… Mankind.

Man and woman,
mainly man, is the most dangerous animal

because he's destroying the planet.

- So he's gonna k*ll all life.
- f*ck him, then. f*ck man, then.

- Okay.
- When will he destroy it?

[hesitates] I don't have an exact date.

- I mean, not for years. We'll all be dead.
- Brilliant.

By that point, actually,
this is interesting,

the whole world will be run by robots.

Not interesting at all. Anything you say
isn't interesting. Remember that.

You're not interested in
what the robots are gonna do?

- No!
- f*ck robots!

- Yeah, what can they do?
- Now you're interested. You do wanna know.

What can f*cking robots do? Interest us.

- Control the weather.
- What sort of c**t says "interesting"?

What sort of c**t
says f*cking interesting?

- "Actually, interestingly…"
- In front of us?

f*ck robots up the arse.

- In our lair?
- You know nothing.

We don't wanna know nothing!
That's how we've survived for so long.

I f*cking love living in ignorance.

- sh*t for f*cking brains and proud.
- Yeah.

Always, always eye-opening
talking to you guys.

Brown-eye opening.

- f*cking wank off over a robot?
- Okay. Great stuff. Great stuff.

I'm not gonna wank off over a robot,
thank you.

I'm gonna go home and have some salmon.

[TV narrator] In search of prey
comes one of the world's deadliest snakes.

- [snake hisses]
- [cats yelp]

Jesus Christ!

It's all right. It's all right.
It's gone. It's gone.

[TV narrator] In the undergrowth, a mouse
braves the shadows to forage for food.

Oh, f*cking hell.

- One bite, mate.
- I'd t*rture it first.

Yeah, I'd f*ck it.

That's made me hungry, looking at that.

Let's go to the graveyard
and catch us some lunch.

- [bell tolls]
- We pray to thee, our God…

[cat 1] f*ck's sake.

How long does this sh*t take?
Just bury the c**t and f*ck off.

- Frightening all the mice.
- Here comes your sister, Olive.

She's not my sister. She's my half-sister
or cousin or summat like that.

- All right?
- Dumb as a bag of spanners.

- Who you calling dumb?
- Now you're in trouble.

No, it was a genuine question.
She has no idea who I was calling dumb.

Oh. f*ck me, she is dumb.

Who?

- Hey, guys. Sorry for your loss.
- What?

- Well, was it someone you know?
- [cat 2] Nah.

Just some dead loser who's scaring off
all the mice by being buried.

Oh, you're out hunting.

I just had some tinned chicken and rabbit
in a rich gravy with added calcium.

[sarcastically] Ooh, did ya?

And then did you sit on Mummy's lap
and have a little brushy? [chuckles]

- You have pudding after?
- I had pudding during brushing.

- [cat 1] f*cking hell.
- [cat 2] Oh God.

It can be painful,
so it's to take the edge off.

"I'm Ponce. I live in a big house,

and Mummy and Daddy love me
and give me f*cking gravy."

You have pud-pud?

- "Goo-goo-gaga. Me want pud-pud."
- Yeah.

You f*cking ponce.

- That sounds nice.
- It was.

Why don't you two f*ck off
and get married, then?

Okay.

[hesitates] No. No, thanks.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, not… not how it works.

f*cking hell.

John Fletcher.

Born 1940.

- Old prick.
- How do you wanna die?

Uh… hand job?

- How would you die of that?
- Dunno. I panicked when you asked me.

- Wanna think about it?
- I've gone off the idea.

Okay, what, then?

Parkinson's.

- Olive.
- What?

- [cat 1] How do you wanna die?
- Oh. Um…

I think if I knew I was ill,
I'd probably just k*ll myself.

- [cat 1] How?
- I dunno. I'd throw myself off a building.

Yeah, but then you'd be all right.

- What?
- You'd land on your feet.

You've only got nine lives.
The tenth time I jump off, I'm gone.

You haven't used any of your lives,
'cause you just land on your feet.

- If I jump ten times, the tenth time--
- Try and land on your face!

- Try and land on your face!
- I don't think we can.

- Of course we can.
- No, it's hardwired.

It's not. If you wanted to k*ll yourself…

Are you telling me if I went
to a building and wanted to k*ll myself,

I couldn't land on my face if I wanted to?

Instinct.

- You reckon you could land on your face?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Easy.

- Easy-peasy.
- How? What would you do?

- Headfirst.
- You'd have to tie your legs up.

Tie my legs up. Do what you want, love.
Just push me off that building.

So truss you up,
then get someone to push you?

- Yeah.
- Like a f*cking oven-ready turkey, tied…

- How would you jump if your legs are tied?
- I wanna be pushed.

- I'll push you.
- That's not suicide!

But would you wanna be pushed last minute?

"Oh, I don't know when it's coming"?
Bit of a surprise.

What, I'm tied up at the top
of a building? Bit of a surprise?

- How do you wanna die?
- Big fight.

- Against loads of dogs or summat?
- I will take on f*cking whatever.

Dogs, iguanas.

- [cat 1] Yeah.
- f*cking meerkats.

- Yeah.
- Do you wanna know? Bosh!

- Yeah!
- Animals go missing all the time, mate.

If you wanna end up on a f*cking lamppost,
your sad little face looking out.

Bit of A4. A few phone numbers
fluttering at the bottom.

- Violence never solves anything.
- Course it f*cking does.

Oh really, tough guy?
When does violence ever solve anything?

When you wanna beat the sh*t
out of someone, so you do.

- Bosh! Problem solved!
- [cat 1] Yeah!

Saying "bosh" doesn't mean
you're just right.

Oh, f*cking hell. Yeah.

Well, Mr. f*cking University Bollocks,
welcome to the university of life.

Great university. Where is that
in the league tables? Low, I imagine.

"Oh, I'm f*cking giving you some
f*cking stick, yeah?" Have that. Bosh.

- Job done.
- What… What job are you trying to do?

The f*cking main one.

I'm just saying,
then you're in a cycle of violence.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Okay, and you want that, do you?
- It's great.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Ground's all freshly dug.

- It's irresistible.
- He's only just cold in the ground.

This sh*t'll warm him up, then, won't it?

[groans, grunts]

- Look at that.
- [soil rustles]

Easy to maneuver.

- Done. Lovely job.
- That's absolutely outrageous.

- So disrespectful.
- Good. Humans are filth.

No, they're not. Not all of them.
Some of them are great.

Attenborough. Malala.
My owners, for example.

Owners? Owners? Listen to yourself!

They are my owners. They paid
a tidy sum for me, and I'm grateful.

Otherwise, I'd be in a shelter,
or worse still, homeless like you lot.

- And they treat me very well, so…
- [scoffs]

If cutting off your bollocks and throwing
'em in the bin is treating you well.

Do not miss them at all. Thank you.
They cloud the judgment.

Oh, that's sad. That is f*cking sad.

It's like Stockholm syndrome, innit?

You're some sort of trafficked sl*ve,

and even though
they're c**ts who mutilate you,

they give you pudding,
and suddenly you're all, "Ooh, thank you."

What are you to say
when someone gives you pudding?

Also, word of advice Mr. Smarty Pants,

call someone a c**t
and you won't be getting pudding.

[mewling]

[meows softly]

[cat 1] f*ck me.

- What now?
- Aw, it's a little baby!

- Should we k*ll it?
- Yes, and eat it.

No! Are you lost, love?

Yeah.

I wandered off from me house,
and I don't know how to get back there.

- Where do you live?
- If it knew that, it wouldn't be lost.

Shut up. It might know its address
but not know the way, you silly twat.

Do you know your address?

No.

- [Kitten cries]
- [Olive] Aw, don't cry.

We'll find your house.

All right, it came from that direction,
so let's go that way.

We ain't got time for that.

Exactly, we're a f*cking g*ng.
Not a thing that helps find lost kittens.

Exactly. Every cat for themselves, innit?
It's a dog-eat-dog world.

So you need to man up.

It's tiny, though,
and you're all big and strong.

[hesitates] Yeah. Yes.

She's… she's not wrong there, boys.

So we need to get this little c**t home.

♪ Making my way downtown, walking fast ♪

♪ Faces pass and I'm homebound ♪

♪ Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way ♪

♪ Making a way through the crowd ♪

♪ And I need you ♪

♪ And I miss you ♪

♪ And now I wonder ♪

♪ If I could fall into the sky ♪

♪ Do you think time would pass me by? ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
I'd walk a thousand miles ♪

♪ If I could just see you ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

[music ends]

{\an8}- Do you remember shops?
- Not sure.

{\an8}- Whoa!
- What the…?

[entry bell rings]

- f*cking hell!
- [cats yelp]

f*cking hell.
Just a cucumber. Just a cucumber.

Everyone chill, yeah?

Ugh! Why did you piss everywhere?

- Defense.
- What are you, a skunk?

- He f*cking smells like one.
- No, I'm a cat.

And I piss where I like.
Shows territory, ownership.

- So technically, it's mine now.
- What is?

- [cats yelp]
- f*cking hell!

Jesus Christ. Everyone calm the f*ck down.

[sighs] Let's go.

[soft guitar music playing]

Huh. Do you mind?

Go for it.

- Good work.
- Yeah, nice one.

Shoo! Shoo! Get out of here!

- f*ck off!
- Yeah!

- Get f*cked.
- Twat.

{\an8}[soft music continues]

{\an8}- Why did you knock that plant over?
- He's a cat.

{\an8}- So?
- So he's a bit of an arsehole.

{\an8}- Am I a bit of an arsehole?
- Uh, not yet, but you've got potential.

{\an8}Yeah, stick with us.

I'm hungry.

We all are. Get used to it.

Well, actually, I'm not.

No, you said. You've eaten.

I have, yeah.

Actually, in nine minutes,
my little timer opens up

and I get some dried food and some milk.

Why's your food on a timer?

Well, the family are away for the evening.
They leave my food,

and I pop in the cat flap,
wait for it to open,

and then snooze
in a big, lovely empty house.

Whoa, whoa,
your house is empty at the moment?

- With loads of cat food?
- And there's a cat flap?

Yeah, why?

[gobbling hungrily]

Oh, leave some of the salmon.
I mean, you're meant to digest it slowly.

- [cats belching]
- Okay.

- See you tomorrow.
- Gross.

- Twat.
- Thanks very much, guys.

- Now I'm gonna be hungry. Bye.
- Bye.

- Night-night, c**t.
- Right. Careful on the flap!

[pensive music playing]

Hey. That's my mate. Ralfy!

- Gus!
- [Gus] Hey!

- [Gus gasps] Ralfy!
- No!

[Gus gasps sadly]

Driver didn't even stop.

No.

They don't have to.
After all, it's just a cat.

People don't care about us.

People don't care
about anything except themselves.

They don't even care about each other,
to be honest.

It's sad.

It happens, kid. [sighs sadly]

I guess we're all future roadkill,
aren't we?

Better than slowly dying
in a hovel of starvation.

Or in agony from kidney failure.

Is that how I'll die?

[Gus] No.

We'll find your home,
and you'll be taken to a vet

when you're old and you'll be given
a lovely lethal injection.

- Nice.
- [Gus] Mm.

You won't die for ages though.

What does being dead feel like?

{\an8}It feels like nothing.

{\an8}It… it feels like you did
before you were born.

{\an8}You don't even know you're dead.
It's just everyone else does.

{\an8}So you'll just never see him again?

Exactly.

We'll just never see him again.

Well, we'll probably see him again
tomorrow, actually.

'Cause the bin men
don't come till Thursday.

[grunts] Unless a fox gets him tonight.

["Hammer and Felt"
by Beneath The Mountain playing]

[music continues]

Sorry we didn't find your house.
We'll find it tomorrow.

- What if we don't find it tomorrow?
- Well, we'll find it the next day, then.

What if we don't find it the next day?

[groans wearily] We'll give up.

[Kitten sighs sadly]

I'm joking.

We'll keep looking until we do find it,
all right? Just cheer up.

[music fades]

[Gus yawns]

Home sweet home.

- Good night.
- Night, mate.

{\an8}Right, you sleep there. All right?

It's not the Ritz,
but it'll keep you alive.

Thank you.

- [wind rustling]
- [dog barking]

It's dark.

Yeah, you're a cat.
You can see in the dark.

Yeah, but I don't like what I see.

This is a scary place.

Yeah, life's cruel, but you gotta stand
on your own four feet, yeah?

No one can help you but you, kid.

[sadly] Okay.

[Kitten whimpers]

[Kitten mewls, cries softly]

- [Gus sighs]
- [Kitten cries]

[poignant music playing]

[Kitten whimpers]

Thanks, Gus.

[music fades]

[rain pattering]