06x20 - Tracy Morgan, Tim and Eric & Ron Funches

[bunniefuu]

[touch tones beeping]

[phones ringing]

[upbeat music]

[children singing]
Come one, come all

'Cause we're having a ball

We're just making
some calls to strangers

We're back on the cell

And the world's
gone to hell

But you're gonna
feel swell

When they pick up

From New York to Alabammer

They'll probably wanna
throw our a*s in the slammer

'Cause we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother

Won't you join
the Crank Yankers tonight?

- "Crank Yankers."

[upbeat music]

[line trilling]

- [bleep] Gym.
- Hi, who am I speaking with?

- Who’s this?
- This is Craig.

- Craig,
how can I help you, man?

- Hey, man, I’m just calling

because I met a guy
at the gym the other day,

and I’m wondering if you
can help me find him?

- Possibly.

- Okay. He was real built

like a real like
muscular, strong dude

with like the neck things,
like the slumps on the neck.

Do you guys have any regulars
that come in with those?

- Lumps on the neck?

- Uh, you know,
like when your neck--

when your neck’s so muscular

that it looks like
you have two necks.

Like, you know what
I’m talking about?

- He had some traps?
- Yeah [chuckles].

Yeah, that’s probably what
it’s called, sorry.

Do you guys have any guys
with big ones of those?

- I mean, probably, yeah,
there’s a few.

- I’m asking ’cause I was in
there, uh, like a week ago

and this guy I met he--
he had his--his neck

was as thick as probably
my whole chest.

And I’m not a small guy.
- Uh-huh.

- And we got to talking,
and he didn’t--he didn’t

wipe down the machine before me
so I was gonna get on to him.

But then we got to talking,
and we had a lot in common

and I feel like we kind of
hit it off,

but I didn’t get
his name or number.

- White guy? Black guy?
Hispanic guy?

- He was like white
or Hispanic.

Or like
real light-skinned Black guy.

I mean, he just--he was
very ambiguous.

- I don’t know, I hon--
I honestly don’t know, man.

You know, I mean,
there’s a bunch of dudes

in here with
some traps and stuff--

- He had like
a big head of hair, too.

- Long hair? Big hair?

I don’t know man, I hon--
I honestly don’t know.

I-I honestly don’t, man.

- I’m sorry, dude--is there
just anybody you can think of?

’Cause I’m just worried
I’m not gonna be able

to find him again.

He was wearing those like
’80s gym shorts,

and there was kind of a
flopping around going on.

[laughs]
If you know what I mean.

- ’80s gym shorts.
- Yeah.

And he was hanging loose
in those things.

- I--well, most guys
I’ll tell ya, to be honest,

most guys come in
at the same time.

So I mean, you know, if
you’re here during that time,

you’re bound to run into
him again, man.

- Yeah, I just got a lot
going on.

- I can’t think of--I can’t
think of who it would’ve been.

Honestly, I mean, there’s
a lot of dudes in here--

you know that are--
- Like hot. Built.

- That are that way,
you know what I mean?

There’s just a lot.
- But he was giving out

free headlocks, though.
That might be something.

- He was giving out
free headlocks?

- Yeah, he was saying anyone
who wants a headlock

get on up here.
- Head locking people?

- And then he was
giving out headlocks.

- No, but I remember some--
I remember--I remember

hearing something about
headlocks.

I do remember, ’cause I was
downstairs and I was doin’--

I was downstairs.
- Is there any guys

that come in regularly
that like--

’cause I remember another
thing about him is

before he got off
the machine,

I was watching him bench,
and he was k*lling it.

But he was--every time
he pushed up, he’d go--

he’d go, "Aaaaaah!"

You know what I mean?

He’d just really like
let it out with the push.

- Jeez, man, honestly, that
would’ve stood out to me,

because I don’t really like
people doing that,

and I still can’t think of
who that would’ve been.

- Wait a second, I’m--
- Oh, hold on.

He has a lot of hair,
this dude.

He’s got a lot of hair.

He’s got long hair like--
like long hair.

- Yes. Yeah like down--
down his back, yes.

- [exhales] He’s a regular,
and I don’t know his name.

I honestly do not know
the guy’s name.

- Can you take down a note
for me

just to leave for someone else
at the desk

so they could maybe
identify him?

- Sure.
- So if you see him,

give him this note, okay?
Hey, you...

Did you get that?
- Okay.

- It’s me.

- Uh-huh.

- ’Sup?

- ’Sup. Okay.
[laughing]

- And then put a question mark
on it.

- No problem man.
Huh?

- He might meet a lot of guys
in there,

so I’m just wondering--
I’m sorry to be so annoying,

but you’ve been so helpful--

would you mind drawing
a picture of me

if I just described myself
to you?

- Dude, I can’t draw a picture.
I got--I got someone

sitting here waiting
to get a membership, man.

- Well, I mean, they can wait.

We’re doing something
important here.

- No, I’m not--
They’re not gonna--[chuckles]

Sorry. You can send me
a picture, I don’t care,

but you know, whatever.
- Okay.

- Send me a picture
through your email.

- And then you’ll print it
and give it to him?

- Sure. [laughs] I’ll put
your note on the picture

and hand it to him, okay?

- You gotta promise me
you’re not gonna also stop him

from yelling, ’cause I feel
like now I ratted him out

on the grunting
while he does that.

- [laughs] No, no I wou--
- And it’s really hot.

It kinda turns me on.
You know what I mean?

- Seriously I got some--
I got someone here, man.

I gotta get off the phone.
I gotta sign someone up.

- Totally understand.
Before you do,

can I just ask you one more
thing before you go?

- What?

- Cou--would you mind grunting
for me a little bit?

- No. I’m not doing that, no.
- ’Cause it could be you.

- I’m gonna get off the phone.
Okay. Bye.

[line clicks]

[upbeat music]

- He was sweet. He was sweet.
[laughs]

- Ready to prank.
[chuckles]

[line trills]
- Let’s enter the prank zone.

- Hello, Everything Bagels.
- Do you do custom orders?

- I’m sorry, uh, I’m not sure
what that means.

- Catering.
- Uh, yes.

- Great. Let me put you on
with my brother, Mork.

- Hi. Mimi Mork.
We have a very special

surprise bar mitzvah we’re
doing for Daddy next weekend,

and we want to make it
a wonderful event.

And we want to do something
like the Michelin woman

out of bagels.

So you’ve heard of
the naked women

with the sushi eating off--

we want to do something
a little bit more wholesome

and buy a bunch
of your beautiful bagels,

put them around a lady,
and serve that to our Daddy

for his first bar mitzvah.

- Now, needless to say,
that’s gonna be a big bagel.

- Yeah. Ha ha.

And we’d want to do something
like long bagels

and a little scallion
cream cheese in between

and then some lox
so it looks like

a really wonderful feast
for Daddy.

- I see.

- It’s gonna end up
being a dozen bagels

for this big bagels.

- When would you need this by?

- Next weekend
is the bar mitzvah.

- All right, ’cause I would
recommend calling back tomorrow

when a manager
or supervisor is here.

- Right.
- So then they would know

more details, and when it
comes to like customizing,

like they’re in charge of
that stuff.

- One--yeah one of the most
important things is,

uh, Daddy’s bar mitzvah
is Smurf-themed.

So we’re wondering if you could
add a little bit of blue dye

to the bagels to make
the Michelin bagel woman

kind of this blue experience.
- It’s an adult bar mitzvah,

so it’s not going to be
something anyone’s

going to judge too harshly on
if it’s not perfect.

- Sounds...unique.

- And the way that we’re
planning it is I’m gonna--

Mork is gonna dress up
like Gargamel,

and I’m gonna come in
and it’s gonna be,

"Oh, no, the bar mitzvah
is ruined.

Gargamel’s here!"
My brother Brad says,

"Don’t worry,
we have the bagel woman."

- And then we’ll roll her out--
whether it’s you

or somebody else, an actress--

and they will be surrounded
in bagels,

poppy seed and whatnot.

And hopefully if--if we can

toast them
at the right temperature,

it’s not gonna singe anyone.

- No. And Gargamel will jump

right on top of the bagel woman
and say, "Let’s feast!"

And Daddy and all his friends

- [giggling]
- Will come and nibble

on the bagel woman’s...

slowly revealing
the blue cream cheese.

- We can’t have any hair
on anybody involved, though.

That’s why, uh, Mork and I are
getting completely shaved,

uh, for the occasion.

- I’m sorry, what was that?

- I’m just worried anyone
there is going to be--

if you have people with hair,
like eyebrows

or even hair on their heads
or their back or anywhere,

we just--I know that’s
something that Daddy’s

not gonna want to see.

And if we could do bialys
at some point,

I think that would be fun
to munch on.

- Um, I’m not sure
we have that.

- And one of the fun parts
that’s gonna happen

after the ceremony
is gonna be, uh,

Smurfs vs Transformers.

So we have some of my dad’s--
Daddy’s friends from work

are dressing up
as the Transformers.

And they’re gonna come in
and scare the Smurfs.

And we’ve never seen
anything like it.

- We want, you know,
we want this bar mitzvah,

since he didn’t have it
as a kid,

just to be his dream party
and to see all of his--

all those old-timers
that spend so much time

making those Transformer
suits--Optimus Prime.

- His friend Joe is gonna
dress up as Bumblebee.

We hope.
- Yeah.

- So when--when it
comes to like catering,

like, we’ll only do like--
you guys will just pick it up?

Like, we won’t go there.

- But who would be in the--

yeah, I’m sure Mork
is going here--

but who would be in
the bagel costume then?

- We can’t do any bagel people

or help you with costumes
at all or anything like that.

- Well, uh,
that’s a little weird.

- I mean, we have--we budgeted
for the bagel costume

and for someone--and we can
even offer it to you.

We have $35...

you know, if you’re
comfortable with that

for a two-day commitment.

Can you picture how cute it is

for mimi Mork to be
in the Gargamel costume

and roleplaying with all
my Daddy’s old-timers

in their
Transformer outfits.

- And I’m gonna be
Gargamel’s cat, on all fours,

dressed up as a cat.

- Nope. No, thank you.

We’re not doing that.

- And I’ll be petting the cat
and I’ll be tossing the cat

onto--onto the bagel sculpture,

and Brad’ll be licking
the cream cheese up.

[slurping]

It’ll be a wonderful day
of this 12-hour party.

- Oh, Jesus.
[line clicks]

[laughter]

- Such a good place to hang up.
- I know.

- Such a good place to hang up.

- Hey, do you know who
Caitlyn Jenner is, baby?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that’s me, baby.

Listen, we need a few supplies
to win this challenge.

You want to help?

- I don’t know if I do or not.

[chuckling]

- Let’s just hang up
on these people.

- [chuckles]

[line trills]

[line trilling]

[click, beep]

- Hello, uh, this is, uh,

gonna be a weird call, okay?

Do you know who Bill Maher is?

- No. Mm-mm.

- Okay, well, that's me,
and I'm a celebrity.

I'm surprised
you don't know who I am.

I'm part of
a reality show and--

- Uh-huh.
- We have to call people

and get supplies.
It's part of the challenge.

It's a stupid challenge,
but I'm doing the show

because it's for charity.
Okay?

- Okay.
- We have Jeff Goldblum here

and Caitlyn Jenner,

so I'm gonna
put some of them on.

This is rid--Caitlyn,
what do you want?

- Hey, do you know who
Caitlyn Jenner is, baby?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's me, baby.

Listen, we need a few supplies
to win this challenge.

You want to help?

- Well, I don't know if I do
or not.

- Yeah, yeah.

It's for charity.
We need four hammers

and six packs of nails.

- Uh, yes, yes, also uh,
Jeff Goldblum here.

Uh, we also need to
get some of the tarps, uh,

for the supplies.

Do you have tarps there?

Yes, yes?
- Okay, you said four hammers--

- Uh, yes, yes, four hammers.

- And we sell nails
by the pound.

- Let's just hang up
on these people.

- Uh, no, we're not hanging up
on you.

Uh, yes, we need four hammers,
some supplies,

and some tarps.

Have you seen "Jurassic Park"?
Yes, yes?

- No.

- What? I--ha...

- Ma'am, you haven't--

You don't know
any celebrities, huh?

- I don't.

- Everyone knows who we are.
We're famous.

You must live in
Podunk, Nowhere, ma'am.

- Ha ha.

- Just kidding.

- You're blue-collar people?
I love blue-collar people.

- Good.
- All right so can you--

You're gonna have to
just give us

these hammers and some nails,
all right?

- Now, are you asking them
to--to be donated?

- Uh, yes, yes, donated nails
and hammers.

- Yeah, if you could just give
that to us, that'd be great.

- Okay.

- Uh, yes, ma'am,
thank you so much for your, uh,

wonderful, uh, patience
with these, uh, lunatics.

Uh, we're gonna need
the hammers.

I thought I could persuade
some nails,

take them off the walls
with my sultry voice.

Do you like my voice? Yes?

- I can't do that
because the--the boss,

the owner is not here today,

so you would have to call back
Monday and talk to her.

- Oh, great. We gotta call back
and do this? Great.

Ugh, what is it with you
people?

- Okay, we'll call back.

Don't listen to that
old stick in the mud.

Total a*s.

You don't know Bill Maher?
He's a pompous a*s!

- Oh, shut up, Caitlyn.
- You shut up.

I'll kick your a*s.
I'm an Olympic champion, baby.

- [laughs]
- Won 14 gold medals.

- Thank you.

- Size 16 Jimmy Choos, baby.

[line clicks]

- Hello? Oh crap.

I think she hung up on us.

- My brother. All right, man.

- I can tell you a New Yorker,
Victor.

You a New Yorker.

- Yes, yes, all the way, baby.

- You guys got any desserts
right now?

- Uh, I got cheesecake
with raspberry on top.

- Oh, I don't--I'm allergic
to [bleep] cheesecake.

You trying to k*ll me out
there, Victor?

- [laughs]

- I'd like to see the menu.

[line trills]

[line trilling]

[click, beep]

- Hey, this is Ron.
Who am I speaking to?

- Uh, this is Victor.
Who's this?

- Hey, this is Ron, Victor.
I just want to see

if I could place
an order to pick up.

- Oh, yeah, what can I get
for you, sir?

- I want to get
a salami and provolone.

I'm also gonna get a grilled
chicken wrap, um, and also--

- Wait one second, one second,
one second, buddy, one second.

What's the first thing
you want?

- See, now you I like, Victor.

This is what I like
about you.

- [laughs]
- That's what I like, man.

I called the other day,
I talked to somebody.

I was a little bit rude to them
and they just took it, man.

I was like, you know, if
I'm rude, call me an as*h*le.

Call me a [bleep] d*ck,
you know?

That's what I want
in New York City.

You know I can't just be--

- Oh sh*t, oh sh*t, okay, okay.
[laughs]

- Yeah, you get it.
You get it.

So if I get rude, you put me
in my [bleep] place.

All right, brother?
[laughs]

- All right, let's start
it again.

All right salami, provolone--

- Oh, you starting from
the beginning?

Now, okay,
now this I don't like.

Okay, you got it, you got it
the salami and provolone.

You got it, I'm sorry.
I apologize again.

- Uh, well, what is that
a roll, a hero?

- I'm sorry, Victor, I know--
I don't want to bulls--

I don't want to waste
your time.

I know there ain't no
bullshitting with Victor.

I apologize. Let me shut up.

- No, it's good. You good.
Don't worry about it.

You good. You good, man.

- I appreciate you, bro.
I appreciate you.

'Cause you gotta teach some of
them other workers there

to stick up for themselves.

They need
some type of training....

- Yeah.
- To deal with New York City.

If like my mom come in there--

- Got to get it together,
right?

- You gotta get it together,
Victor.

You know if I tell you,

"Hey, your [bleep] sandwiches
ain't sh*t,"

you gotta come at me and go,
"Yo mama ain't sh*t!"

You know, Victor?
[laughs]

- My brother, all right, man.

- I can tell you a New Yorker,
Victor.

You a New Yorker.
- Yes, yes, all the way, baby.

- You guys got any desserts
right now?

- Oh, sure, I got a cheesecake
with raspberry on top.

- Oh, I don't--I'm allergic
to [bleep] cheesecake.

You trying to
k*ll me out there, Victor?

- The what--
the cheese?

- No, I mean,
I can have cheese,

but I'd be overloaded
with that cheesecake.

I can't breathe, Victor.

- Yeah, yeah, I got a--man, you
should take the apple, uh,

banana, blueberry cake.
Good, man.

- That's the one, that's the
one you recommend? Because--

- Yeah, man, it's so good, man.

- All right, that's what
I like about you, man.

See, you everything for me.
You put me in my place.

You my life coach.

You keep me away from
eating food that'll k*ll me.

I love--man you the best.
You the best.

Everybody need a Victor,
especially that b*tch Sampson

down in 17th Street Market.

They don't know what they
doing over there.

Ha ha ha.
[line clicks]

Victor?

You gotta call me a b*tch

before you hang up on me,
Victor.

[line trilling]

[click, beep]
- Can I help you?

- Hey, I was just talking with
Victor and, uh,

we got disconnected.
I was trying

to finish my order with him.

- Oh, sure. You left off
with the cake, correct?

- Yes, yes, you got it.
You got it, I appreciate that.

I just wanted to get that
Bernie Madoff meatball sandwich

and then Victor promised
he'd tell me

to go [bleep] myself
when he hung up.

And it was our inside joke.

Don't think
that he was being rude.

- Is this a delivery or pickup?
- This'll be pickup, pickup.

- Okay.
I'll see you here then.

- Okay, could you tell me
to go [bleep] myself?

I don't care go ahead.
- No, no. No, not at all.

You're more than welcome to
come sooner, anytime you want.

- You know me long enough,

you'll tell me to go
[bleep] myself.

- All right, I'll see ya here.

- See you soon. [Bleep] now.
[laughs]

- Buh-bye.
[line clicks]

She didn't have
the same energy as Victor.

- You can either seat
eight people in there

or you can put down all
the backseats and have

plenty of space in the back.
- Oh, wow.

You know about them backseats,
huh?

- Well, I've--I've definitely
traveled all over Alaska,

and, uh--
- And you definitely

let some backseats down.

You had sex with girls
in backseats before, man.

Come on, man. You sound
like a freak just like me.

- Let’s go to Al--They don’t
know who Spoonie is in Alaska.

[line trills]

[trilling]

- Hello, this is [bleep]
returning your call.

How may I help you?

- Uh, yes, me and my wife
just got here.

We are two Black people
from Brooklyn.

And we just got to this
beautiful place in Alaska.

It is incredible.
We got here yesterday.

So we want to rent a car.

We want to
make a baby in Alaska.

- Okay.
- We probably gonna have to

do it in the car, ’cause we
want to do it in the woods.

- So if you’re looking at
having enough space in the back

to sleep--
- Oh, yeah, you got my--

You reading my mind, man.
- [laughs]

So I have a premium SUV.

- Well, I’m a--I’m
a well-endowed guy

so I’m gonna need some space.
- Okay.

So yes, I have a premium SUV.

And you can either seat
eight people in there

or you can put down
all the backseats

and have plenty of space
in the back.

- Oh wow. You know about them
backseats, huh?

- Well, I’ve--I’ve definitely
traveled all over Alaska.

And, uh--
- And you definitely

let some backseats down.

You had sex with girls
in backseats before, man.

Come on, man.

You sound like a freak,
just like me.

- So how long were you looking
at renting the vehicle?

You just need it
for one day or--

- A few hours?
A couple of minutes.

I’m--I--I--I’m not ashamed
to say I’m a minute man.

Ten minutes, a minute,
she still love me.

- So you want to rent
the vehicle for one day,

and the vehicle does
come with--

- Can I tell you something?

I was actually born in the same
car that I was conceived in.

- That’s impressive.
- That’s crazy, right?

- Oh, yeah, that’s--

- My father didn’t
get rid of the car.

Still had the stains
all over the backseat

and everything, man.

You know something else?
My cousin, my first cousin,

his name is Anthony,
he was born in a tank.

A army tank.
- That’s pretty crazy.

- My whole family was born
and conceived in vehicles.

- Uh, that sounds pretty,
pretty epic.

- Hey, could I ask you
a question?

- Yes, sir.
- If y’all find like

used condoms and stuff
all over the place,

I won’t get sued, do I?

- Uh, you shouldn’t get sued.
Um, I recommend taking out,

uh, the trash if there’s any
extra trash in the vehicle.

- Could I ask you
another question?

What is the shape of the gear
shift, ’cause she’s freaky.

She gets very freaky.

- Sir, I can definitely
rent you the vehicle,

um, but I won’t be able to
continue the conversation

if it keeps going--
- You know something?

You know something?

My great-great grandfather
was born in a blimp.

He died ’cause he fell out
the blimp.

- Um--
- Do you have tinted windows?

- The ones in the back of
the premium SUV?

- I don’t want the tinted
windows, ’cause I want

hitchhikers and animals
to watch us.

- Okay, um, sir,
I won’t be able

to continue the conversation

if it keeps going
this direction.

- D y’all have a unicycle?

- Uh, we do not currently
rent unicycles.

- My aunt was born on
a unicycle.

[line clicks]

[upbeat music]

- Look at that.

[singing]
MTV