04x21 - The Battle of Mineral Springs

[bunniefuu]

I think the negotiation
went very well, don't you?

Don't I what?

Oh, all right.
Don't give me credit.

But I think that
reciprocal option idea was,

if you will forgive me,
absolutely brilliant.

But not half as brilliant

as my idea of sending you
through law school

so we could save
all legal fees.

[laughs]

JARROD: Whoa!

Well, now,
I don't remember hearing
anything about a detour.

I wanted to make Brazo
by sundown and spend
the night there.

Well, what's that down there?

Oh, that's a little town
called Mineral Springs.

I've never been
through there before.

Well, what have
we got to lose?

All right, maybe spending
a night in a strange town

will help break the monotony
of the trip back to Stockton.

Giddy up.

♪♪ [theme]

Bustling metropolis.

Yes. Well, at least we'll get
a nice quiet night's sleep.

[both chuckle]

How was yours?

Awful, but at least
the portions are small.

I know.

Oh.

I think you've made
a little mistake here.

Eleven dollars!

You're right, sir.
There was a mistake.

Thank you for calling it
to my attention.

That's perfectly all right,
young lady.

Twelve dollars?

I forgot the bread and butter.

Young lady, two people
can have the finest meal

in the most elegant restaurant
in San Francisco

for half what you charged.

San Francisco must be
a wonderful place.

You can't ask for
a better explanation than that.

No.

Pay the lady before she
remembers to charge us
for the salt and pepper.

Oh, no, ma'am,
that comes with the meal.

And it was the best part of it.

Young lady, I hope
you will have the decency

to use some of these
ill-gotten gains

to buy your cook a cookbook.

[chuckles]

We're checking out.

Yes, sir.

That'll be $28, sir.

Twenty--

You're joking.

Then shouldn't you
be laughin'?

Fourteen dollars a room?

Look, you can get
the best suite

in New York City
for less than that.

Well, New York must be
a wonderful place.

Now, look, $14 a room
for this place is outrageous.

Well, I can't argue with you
on that...

if it was $14 a room.

Isn't 2 times 14 still 28?

Correct!
You're a bright young fella.

But it was only $10 a room.

Uh, what's the other $8 for?

Well, now, there was a dollar
for horse hitchin'.

Horse hitching?

I seem to recollect
your hitching up yesterday.

Yes, I hitched up
to the horse rail.

That was the hotel porch rail--
private property.

There wasn't
anyplace else to hitch.

I reckon you're right.

And two dollars
for towels and water...

and three dollars for feedin'
and washin' the horse.

Three dollars?!

Do you realize I could get
a dozen horses

fed and washed
for three dollars?

Not here.

And then there was two dollars
for miscellaneous.

Oh, I'm going to hate myself
for asking this,

but miscellaneous what?

Oh, things like kerosene
for the lamps, readin' matter...

Do you, by any chance,
mean that dog-eared book

"Birds of North America"?

You don't like birds?

I love birds, but I'm not
too fond of vultures!

Oh, Jarrod, you were lucky.

The literature in my room
was "Ferns Are Our Friends."

Look, we didn't even
read the books.

Might be and might not be.

Oh, pay him and let's go.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna pay him!
I'm not gonna be taken!

I wanna talk to
the proprietor!

Start talkin'.

Oh!

Now, look, you may think
this is funny, but I don't!

You might as well face it,
I am not gonna pay that bill!

We got some trouble, Joe?

Seems like these folks
are fixin' not to pay the bill.

Well, you know
that's against the law.

Didn't they teach you that
at law school?

Now, look, Mother,
will you just let me
handle this, please?

Your mama knows best.

You really don't wanna
go to trial over this, do you?

Oh, no.

I certainly do!

Oh.

All right,
straight in there, folks.

You mean to say
you try cases in there?

Oh, no, no, over there,
but judge won't be

holdin' court
till this afternoon.

Well, then why do we
have to stay in there?

Oh, you don't, ma'am, no.
You just have to post bail.

Post bail.

How much?

Uh, 200 a piece.



Well, how 'bout
some breakfast?

Oh, that would be nice.

Good.

JARROD: Hold it.

What do you charge
for breakfast?

Oh, I won't
charge you nothin'.

Oh. Well, in that case,
we'll have some.

Jarrod, you're handling
this case beautifully.

Well, as a matter of fact,
I am.

Would you have liked
to gone back to Stockton
without breakfast?

This one's bound to be better
than the one at the hotel--
and free.

I wish we were.

Oh...

Uh-oh, we're still
in enemy territory.

Good morning.

Breakfast will be
three dollars, please.

I thought you said
there was no charge?

Oh, I said
I wouldn't charge you.

I didn't say what she'd do.

Yeah, in advance, no doubt?

Well, seein' as how you're
behind bars,

your credit isn't
as good as it might be.

She's got a point.

I told you,
I'd handle this.

I know you did,
but I'm in jail
and I'm hungry.

Oh, all right.
Here's your three dollars.

Thank you.

Ew.

The cook did not
buy the cookbook.

[groans]

Municipal court
of Mineral Springs
is now in session.

Judge Ben Moore presiding.

Thank you, honey.

All right, Elmer,
what's the problem?

These folks
don't wanna pay Joe's bill.

You don't?

We certainly don't.

Well, seems about
right to me.

On the contrary, your honor.
It clearly violates the
principle of quantum meruit,

clearly established
by the case of--

Now, hold it, young man.

"Countem" who?

Aren't you a lawyer?

No.

Are you?

I am.

Well, now, isn't that nice?

Look, how do you expect
to judge this case
if you don't know the law?

Now, nobody
knows the law better.

Uh, where's the law at,
honey?

Oh, here, Daddy.

Thank you, dear.

Ah, here it is
right here.

It says "Anybody
who don't pay his bills
is breakin' the law

and goes to jail
until he does."

That's what it says here.
You're breakin' the law,
all right.

I'd like to know
the origin of those laws.

Well, I'd be glad to tell ya.

Duly passed by the mayor
and the town council.

I'd like to discuss this
with the mayor.

Oh, sure thing.

Start discussin'.

You're the mayor?

Mm-hmm,
and Joe and Elmer and me
is the town council.

Oh, you win this one, Jarrod,

and you're ready to sit on
the United States supreme court.

Twenty-eight dollars.

Thirty eight.

What's the extra ten for?

Court costs.

Now, look,
this is highway robbery.

There ought to be
a law against you!

This is the most outrageous--

Pay him.

I always say a man's best friend
is his mother.

Oh, I can't take
any more of this.
I'll pay. I'll pay.

There, we're square!

-Uh-uh.
-Now what?

A little matter
of contempt of court.

I don't believe this.

Oh, I do.

"Outrageous,
highway robbery..."

That's pretty strong words,
young fella.

Let's see,
I wonder what that's worth.

What I am thinking
is worth at least $100.

Did you say $100?

Yeah, that sounds
about right to me.

I trust your judgment,
young fella.

After all,
you went to law school.

A lot of good
that's done us.

Look, whose side
are you on?

Apparently,
the wrong one.

Let's see now...

$100 will do it.

All I've got is $90. There.

Now, I assume that you
will accept our bank draft
for the extra 48.

Why would you assume
a thing like that?

Oh, your honor,
I'm Victoria Barkley,

and I assure you
that bank draft

will be honored
by our bank in Stockton.

Yes, ma'am,
but this ain't Stockton.
This is Mineral Springs.

Then may we talk
to your local banker?

Oh, sure thing...

except we got no bank.

No bank?

No.

There's a bank over in Brazo.

May we send our draft
over there to be cashed?

Everything over in Brazo
is controlled by Ed Crawford,

includin' the bank.

Why would he cash your draft?

It's just possible he's
heard of us and will cash it.

Oh.

All right, you make it out,
and I'll send it over.

Pete, ride over to Brazo
and see if they'll cash this.

That's for $100.

Well, you got 90 now.
You only need another 58.

Well, if you don't mind,
I'd like to have
a little extra cash.

We may run into another town
like this on the way
to Stockton.

And may I correct
your arithmetic?

I only need 48 more dollars,
not 58.

Nothin' wrong
with my arithmetic.

There's another $10 now--

messenger charge.

[bangs gavel]
Court's adjourned.

Well, of course I know
about the Barkleys.

Be happy to cash a draft
of theirs any time.

Although it's hard to imagine
the Barkleys

bein' in need of such
a piddlin' sum as this.

I guess they ran
a little short.

Yes, I guess so.

Well, you just tell them
to feel free to call on me
any time.

And please present
my respects to them.

Now, what do you suppose
the Barkleys are doing
in Mineral Springs?

Oh, just passin' through,
probably.

Yes, well, I hope so.

How they doin', Pa?

Quietest prisoners
we've ever had.

They sure are nice folks.

Mm-hmm, seem to be.

Do they have
to stay in jail, Pa?

Well, seein' as how
we're holdin' their buggy...

They couldn't get very far.

I mean, it doesn't seem right
to keep 'em cooped up.

You're sweet and thoughtful,
Janie, just like your ma.

Come on.

You're very quiet.

I'm planning
a jailbreak.

Wrong file.

[footsteps approaching]

Did the money come?

No, not yet,

but we're lettin' you out
till it arrives.

Well, this sudden trust in us
is very touching.

Our Janie here thought
you'd been cooped up
a little too long.

Oh, aren't you afraid
we'll try to run away?

No, we ain't.

We got your buggy,
you know.

And I'm not much of a runner
on an empty stomach.

[chuckles]

Yeah, that's right.

Well...

Oh, I'd be glad
to fix you some lunch.

No charge.

Oh, that's very kind of you,

but do you mind
if I fix the lunch?

Oh, you don't wanna bother.

Oh, yes, she does.

Why don't you just
come along and join us.

This newspaper
is two weeks old.

How often do you get
deliveries here?

Whenever someone
passin' through
leaves one behind.

Lunch will be
ready in a minute.
It smells marvelous.

It sure does.
She's a good cook.

I suppose you'll be leavin'

when Pete comes back
with the money.

That's right.

Unless, of course,
your father, the judge,

finds another one of those
little laws in that book of his.

He won't.

Your mother's nice.

Runs in the family.

I...

I don't suppose
you could stay a while?

Oh, Janie, I'm afraid
this town's just a little
too rich for our blood.

Sit down a minute.

Tell me something--

why does a pretty girl
like you stay here?

It's my home and Papa's home.

And it's a--

it was a nice place.

Here we are.

Ah...

thank you.

Well, this is like a party.

Mm-hmm.

Now...

Mmm.

Mmm, this is good!

I wish I could cook.

My mama died
when I was a baby

and Papa didn't know
how to teach me.

It's so unfair to Joe,
me workin' in the kitchen.

Why do you?

I'm about all that's available.

Well, where is everybody?

Moved away, mostly.

Why?

I guess there's
no point in pretendin'.

The town is dyin'.

Nobody even comes
through here anymore.

Well, I can't say
that I blame 'em.

Oh, but it wasn't
always like this.

See, Grandpa started this town
and Papa helped build it.

And it was a nice place.

There was almost 500 people
that lived around here once.

I mean, good people,
farmin' and ranchin'

and runnin' small businesses
and buildin' futures.

Now there's less than 100.

What happened?

That Ed Crawford put his hands

around this town's throat
and squeezed!

Well, it seems to me
it'd take a pretty big
pair of hands to do that.

Well, he did it!

He built a brand-new road
through Brazo,

and gradually got
all the traffic from here.

Then he set up
twice-a-day stagecoach service

and once-a-day freight wagons.

And our stages only ran
three times a week,

and our freight wagons
once a week.

We couldn't compete.

And eventually,
all the people moved to Brazo
where things were boomin'.

Now we're just
doin' what we can
to hang on.

Janie, you mean that you're
tryin' to support this town

by bilking unsuspecting
travelers like us?

And we hate it,
but we have to do something.

We have to pay for
the schoolbooks for the kids

and pay for a part-time
school teacher

and try to keep
a doctor in town

and repairs and...

and that detour sign.

That was my idea.

I guess it's terrible,
but...

we just had to get the people
through here somehow.

Well, you can't keep on
doing that forever.

Maybe not, but we're just not
going to let that Ed Crawford

k*ll our town without a fight.

At least we're tryin'.

Well, Pete's back.

The fine is paid
and here's your change.

Good.

Your buggy's outside
and you're free to go
any time you want.

My, something smells good.

Mrs. Barkley's
a wonderful cook.

Hey, a couple riders comin' in!

I better get Joe!

I gotta get things ready!
Thank you for the nice lunch!

Well, shall we?

Horse hitchin'--
$4.

[both laugh]

"Ferns Are Our Friends."

[laughs]

A dollar for bread and butter.

[laughs]

I wish Audra and Heath
were here for this.

It's not that funny, Nick.

Of course it is!
$148 to stay overnight.

Who's runnin' this town?
The Dalton g*ng?

They're really
very decent people.

Of course they are.
When are you goin' back
for another visit?

Couple of days.

What for? To finish readin'
"Birds of North America"?

Nope,
goin' into business there--

a stagecoach line
and a freight service

from Mineral Springs
all the way through the valley
to Stockton.

You're not serious?

He is serious.

Oh, now, come on, Jarrod.

Just because
you feel sorry for them--

It doesn't have
anything to do with that.

We talked it over
all the way back,
and it makes sense.

All right,
now wait a minute, whoa.

What kind of a deal
did you make with them?

Oh, well, they don't know
anything about it yet.

We may be gone
a couple of weeks.

We? Well, why do you
have to go along?

Well, I don't have to.
I want to. Maybe I can help.

Have you forgotten?

I used to help my family
run a freight service.

Matter of fact,
that's how I met your father.

And it sure
brought me good luck.

With my experience, maybe I can
bring them some good luck.

[chuckles]

Mother,
you sure are something.

[laughs]

Yes, aren't I, though?

[chuckles]

I don't understand.
Those wagons got
our name on 'em.

Why not? We're partners.

That don't seem right,
Miss Barkley.

We can't even pay
our share of the costs.

You'll pay your share
by the work you do

and the facilities
you provide at this end.

Hey, see that old empty store
over there?

It'd make a great depot.

Why would you wanna help us?

It's a business venture.

And if we're successful,

it will be good for you,
us, and the whole valley.

Makes a lot of sense, Ben.

We in business, partner?

That's gonna look
just fine, Lou.

How you doin'
with those schedules?

Well, I've got the one
worked out from Mineral Springs
to Stockton,

but not the one from Stockton
to Mineral Springs.

Well, what's the problem?
You just reverse 'em.

Uh-uh, have you forgotten
that long hill seven miles
out of Stockton?

What about it?

Well, it doesn't much matter
going down the hill,

but going up in the heat
of midday, well, it's slow
and tiring for the horses,

uncomfortable
for the passengers.

What I'm trying to work out
is a schedule that will get
the freights and stages

up the hill in the cool of
mid morning or late afternoon.

You know, that Nick
is right for once.

You really are something.

[chuckles]

[grunting]

That it?

That's it.

Evening, Ben.

Evenin'.

Coffee, Papa?

What's wrong?

The evenin' stage
just came in.

No passengers again.

Been in business a week
and only had five passengers
all that time.

The freight we been haulin'

won't even pay for
the horses' feed.

We can't go on
like this, Miss Barkley,

lettin' you pay
everybody's salaries

with nothin' to show for it.

Well, if we're not complaining,
why should you?

It just don't seem right.

Ben, people are used
to doing business in Brazo.

Give them time.
They'll come to us.

But will they?

Sure they will,
and starting tomorrow.

Seems to me you're buildin' up
a lot of rash hopes,
Miss Barkley.

Oh, I don't think so.

When the morning stage
leaves for Stockton,

if there are no
paying customers,

we'll fill it with
non-paying townspeople.

And we'll fill the freights
with empty boxes.

Well, I don't understand.
What good is that gonna do?

Well, when people see
our freights and stages
going through loaded,

they'll start coming to us.

Business attracts business
and illusion becomes a fact.

That sounds kinda crazy.

Jarrod like the idea?

Uh-huh.

He's out now looking
for non-paying customers.

Mornin', Mr. Crawford.

Burt, everything goin' well?

Well, uh, I don't know.

Anderson didn't show
with his load this mornin'.

Gilman and Miller,
they didn't show yesterday.

Well, perhaps they're
just not ready to ship yet.

Maybe, but a couple of boys
been tellin' me

they been seein' them wagons
from Mineral Springs

all loaded up
and makin' the runs.

Are the Barkleys
still in Mineral Springs?

That's what I hear.

There you are, Mark.

Oh, and tell Stockton
to run an extra wagon
if they have to.

You may need
additional drivers.

I hope so.

Hey, is that real business
or make-believe?

That's the real thing, Elmer.

Boy, it sure beats
arrestin' horse-hitchers,
don't it?

[all chuckle]

Good morning.

Morning.

Well, you must be
the Barkleys.

That's right.
What can we do for you?

A little business, perhaps.

Well, that's what
we're here for.

Good, good.

I'm Ed Crawford.

Oh, I see you
heard of me. Good.

Well, of course,
I've heard of you,
and I like what I hear.

That's nice.

You're the kind of people
that gets things done.

So am I.

You mentioned business.

Right to the point.
I like that, too.

Yes, some business
that would mean something.

Now, people like you
shouldn't be mixed up with
these small-time scroungers.

This town and everyone in it
is gaspin' its last.

Oh?

Well, we'll see.

Of course, you could
breath a little life into it
for a while,

but is that what you want?

What is it you want?

To do business with ya.

Now, Brazo has become
the center of things
in this part of the valley.

Stockton is the center of things
out your way.

Now, if we pool our strengths
and work together,

we could control
this entire county.

Well, what makes you think
we want to control this county?

You see, all we really
wanna control is you.

[chuckles] Well,
perhaps you'll think it over,

and reconsider.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Well, you think they're
gonna give us any trouble?

They might...

if you don't know
what to do.

I just can't
understand it, Ben.

In a week, we've lost almost
all the business we've built up.

There's got to be
some explanation for it.

I've been talkin' to people,
but everyone's clammed up.

Never had trouble
talkin' to 'em before.

It's like they were scared.

[footsteps approaching]

Ooh.

[chuckles]

Elmer, you're drunk.

When you drink,
you get drunk.

But on duty?

I seen my duty
and I done it.

Jeff Gray does not like
to drink alone.

Ah, you get out of here
and go sleep it off someplace.

I ain't that drunk.

Mr. Barkley and I
got some business to discuss.

So have I--

Jeff's freight business.

Which we don't happen
to have anymore.

Ben, you know Jeff.

Sober, you can't get
a word out of him.

Well, drunk,
you can't shut him up.

Now wait a minute.

You mean you got him to talk?

Matched him drink for drink.

He sprung like a leaky trough.

[chuckles]

Jeff has been threatened.

By who?

Even Jeff
doesn't know.

Couple of fellas showed up
at his ranch the other night

and said they knew he'd been
shippin' out of Mineral Springs.

If he didn't start shippin' out
of Brazo, they'd burn him out.

-And all the others, too?
-According to Jeff.

Well, it's Crawford's men.
There isn't any doubt
about that.

But what I can't figure out
is how they know who's
shipping what.

Now, did Jeff have any idea
about that?

No, but I do.

I've been noticin'...

a couple of strangers been
hangin' around the depot lately.

You know, watchin' the wagons
comin' and goin',

who's shippin', and who's
bringin' stuff in, right?

And watchin'
the stagecoaches.

Come here.

I wanna show you something.

There, you see those
two guys over there?

They're not from around here.

And when did you
first notice them, Elmer?

They rode in this mornin'
before the first wagon
went out.

And they're probably
waitin' around for

the afternoon wagon
to come in.

Tonight whoever's
doin' business with us
is gonna be paid a visit.

Not if they're in jail.

They ain't broke no law.

Ben, your handwriting
is terrible.

What you lookin' for,
Jarrod?

You must have an ordinance
in here against loitering.

I reckon we don't.

Reckon we ought to?

I reckon.

Well, there's three of us
on the town council.

There's Joe and there's Elmer
and there's me.

Got a majority right here.

"All loiterers...

will be arrested."

How's that?

Uh, it sounds legal to me.

[belches]

Well, Elmer,
you think you can handle it?

Ben, the day I can't
outdrink Jeff Gray,

I turn in my badge.

One of Crawford's men.

Yeah.

Galloping down a busy street
like this just isn't safe.

Might run down some of those
innocent women and children.

Good point.

Guess we'll have
to write another law.

Elmer...

"No gallopin' on busy street."

Hey, Ben, is there anything
in the book about--

excuse me, ladies--
spittin'?

No, but there will be
in a minute.

You think
the jail's big enough?

Oh, sure.

"No spittin'--"

excuse me, ladies--

"allowed."

Are you holdin'
some of my men?

Oh, they yours?

On what charge?

A whole slew of things--

violation of ordinances
number 27, 28, 29, 30.

Be more specific.

Loiterin', gallopin',
gunnin', and spittin'.

This your idea?

Who, me? No, no.

He's the mayor.
They're the town council.

I'm just an
interested observer,
that's all.

And I hear you're a lawyer.

Well, that's right.

And as such, I'd like
to give you a little free
but valuable advice.

You and your men
stay out of this town.

[chuckles]

Or you'll do what?

Build a bigger jail,
right, Mr. Mayor?

Mm-hmm.

What do I have to do
to get my men released?

Payin' the fine will help.

How much?

Let's see now...

that comes to, uh...

$340.

What about the g*ns?

They're confiscated.

Everyone in town
is wearin' one.

Local residents got a right--
ordinance number 32.

Just a minute.

What?

Ordinance number 33--
smokin' in a public buildin'.

Fine'll be $10.

I never would've
believed that.

Oh, me neither.

Took it like a lamb,
never said a thing.

Oh, he said a lot...

loud and clear.

Mr. Crawford has just
declared w*r, gentlemen.

Whoa!

Mr. Barkley! How is he?

He's going to be all right.

Are you sure?

Doc's got him
all fixed up.

All he needs now
is some rest.

What are you gonna do?

Well, we can't send
the wagons out anymore

without armed guards.

There aren't any around here.

So I've wired my brother Nick
to hire the men we need.
They should arrive tomorrow.

No! No!

Well, we've got to do something.

What's the matter with you?

Hasn't there been enough damage?

Are you gonna keep going
until someone gets k*lled?!

-Oh...
-Wait a minute, Mother.

[crying]

Hey, what's this?

Janie?

Here, come on.

Now you dry
those tears.

Come on.

Please, go home.
Go back to Stockton.

Once you thought
it was a pretty good idea
if I stayed.

Yes, and I meant it.

And once you said
you weren't gonna let

Ed Crawford k*ll this town,
you were gonna fight.

Well, that's all I'm doing.

Not that kind
of fighting, Jarrod.

We did a lot of wrong things,
I guess--

overchargin' and finin'--

but nobody was really hurt.

I don't like people to be hurt!

Well, I know you don't, Janie,
but sometimes--

I wanted you and your mother
to stay...

because you're nice people...

and nothin' nice
was happenin' here.

And then when you said
you'd stay and help us...

well, that was happiest thing
that's ever happened to me.

Well, I'm still here, aren't I?

But it's not like
I thought it would be.

Well, sometimes things
just don't work out the way
you expect.

For people like me, maybe.
I'm not smart or educated.

But you are, and that's why
you shouldn't be fighting
Ed Crawford his way.

Well, what else can I do?
I've tried everything.

Sometimes you just
have to stand up and fight.

It's all a man like that
can understand, anyway.

That's why a man like you
should be able to outsmart him!

Oh...

Why'd you do that?

I guess because
I wanted to.

Good night, Janie.

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

And hello to you, too.

[exhales]

Nick, you look awful.

Where the devil have you been?

You were supposed to be here
this morning.

About my looks...


in the sun

is not exactly
any beauty treatment,
you know.

What happened?

Bushwhacked just the other side
of big rock--



And they turned
our horses loose.

Anybody hurt?

No, but if that was
the Crawford g*ng

and they were tryin'
to get a message across,
it sure worked.

The men I brought with me,
they're on their way
back to Stockton.

They all quit, huh?

On the spot.

If word of this gets around,

we won't be able to hire guards
for all the money in Stockton.

Well, isn't there
any kind of law around here?

Not enough.

Not even enough to go in there
and arrest this Crawford?

On what charge?
We don't have any proof
that he's raiding our wagons.

Well, now, what kind of proof
do you need?!

Nick, his men always wear masks
and they don't take the wagons,

so we can't catch him
with the goods.

Well, isn't there some way
we can make 'em take
the wagons?

And how do you propose
to do that? They're not
interested in loot.

Well, maybe they're just
not interested in the kind
of loot you're carryin'.

Oh, everything's always
so simple for you.

What am I supposed to do,
just ship something they'd like,

like a load of
harem girls or--

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You may have an idea there.

Harem girls?

No, but something that would
make 'em just as dizzy.

Whoa!

All right, now just
throw down your g*n.

Start walkin'!

Hey, Burt, look at this.

Hey, now I get an idea
that's the kind of cargo

Mr. Crawford wouldn't
want us to burn.

Mr. Crawford said never get
caught with the U.S. mail.

Get rid of that sack.

Ha!

Giddy up.

They bite?

This is all they left.

Nick, when we imported
all that beautiful champagne
from Europe last year,

I never figured
we'd be usin' it this way.

Yeah, well, we did want it
for a special occasion.

Well,
this is a special occasion.

Mm-hmm.

That's the stable
down there.

All right, let's go.

Where the devil could they
have hidden that wagon?

Well, they could've
burned it.

No, we'd have
seen the blaze.

Well, there must be
some more stables in town.

Hold it, wait a minute.

Wet paint.

I'll get it hitched up.

[gasps]

Morning.

Well, what do you want?

I'd like to see
Ed Crawford, please.

What, at this hour?
Not on your life.

Not on your life.

Oh, if I wake him now,
he'll k*ll me.

Would you rather be k*lled
by a friend or an enemy?

Don't forget the key.

Open it.

Light that lamp.

All right, get over here.

Mr. Crawford.

Wake up, Mr. Crawford.

Get out of there!

What is this?
Some kind of a joke?

No joke. You're under arrest.

Are you crazy?
You can't arrest me.

Oh, can't I?

Now, that is
a U.S. deputy badge.

My, what good eyes
you have, Grandma.

Where'd you get that?

Ben Moore introduced me
to a federal marshall.

Now get out of there!

Well, now just a minute.

Well, at least you're
gonna let me get dressed.

Why, I think you look
perfectly fetching
the way you are.

I couldn't help it,
Mr. Crawford. He made me.

Get over here.

Now you make so much
as one little peep,

and Mr. Crawford
may get hurt.

And I don't think
Mr. Crawford wants that,
does he?

Just be quiet
and do like he says.

Get in there.

All right, let's go.

Move!

Open it.

Well, now doesn't
he look pretty.

See, I told you.
Get up in there.

Hey! Come back here
with that wagon!

Come back!

Get down.

You know, for a lawyer,
he's not too smart.

-Did you hear that?
-What's that?

Go on, tell him.

I said for a lawyer,
you're not too smart.

So perhaps that wagon
was stolen.

But you didn't
see me take it.

So you broke
into my private property
to get it and get me.

Now, as a federal officer,
if you are one,

you have to have reason
to believe that I had

committed a federal offense
in order to do that.

And stealin' a wagon
is hardly a federal offense.

So your breakin' in
was unlawful entry,

search and seizure.

Well, now, I think
that sounded pretty good.

What about you, counselor?

Excellent, excellent.
You amaze me, Mr. Crawford.

I couldn't of stated the law
any more perfectly myself.

Let's go.

A federal judge
will have to release me!

It isn't as if
U.S. mail were involved!

Ah, but it was,
Mr. Crawford.

Nick.

A second bag.

Second bag?

There's one other offense,
Mr. Crawford--

goin' around in public
in that nightshirt.

I'm gonna have to charge you
with indecent exposure.

[laughs]

♪♪ [theme]