07x19 - The Hucksters

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Here he is.

Hi, Daddy's home.

I.

Know how much it means to you, so we waited dinner.

Oh, honey, I already ate at the Fatty Burger.

Hello.

Oh, dear, pass the peas.

Well, I know, I'm sorry, but something happened to
me in Chicago that's going to change our whole lives.

All right, so everybody stop eating and listen to me.

Oh, how?

Freddie Prebble.

Freddie Prebble.

Oh, yes.

Very nice young man.

He used to work for you.

He could never find his way home.

That's the guy.

Well, I ran into him at the convention.

Now, you know, I taught that nitwit everything
there is to know about the hardware business.

So what does he up and do?

What, Dad?

He becomes a millionaire.

Six years ago, he was a nobody, and
today he owns a chain of hardware stores.

And six years ago, I was exactly where I am today,
struggling to make a living out of one dinky little store.

But it's a cute little dinky store.

Well, I should be able to do as good as Freddy Preble.

That's a great story, Dad.

Let's eat.

Hands off the food.

I'm not finished yet.

So I asked Freddy, I said, how did you hit it so big?

And he says, advertising, TV commercials.

That's the difference, Howard, old man.

He's bald, and he's calling me old man.

Yeah, commercials, that's a good idea.

You ought to do that.

I'm going to do that, Richard.

You know the camera I gave you for your birthday?

Well, we're going to go down to the store,
and we're going to sh**t some pictures.

And then I'm going to call up Channel 8,
and I'm going to buy advertising.

And you can write the copy for the announcer to read, huh?

Okay, now I'm going upstairs and change clothes.

And while I'm doing that, I want all of you to
think about what you want when we're rich.

Well, what do we want?

We want to eat.

You got it.

Now, please, will you turn on the set by
commercial if you have any money?

Hey, hey, this is it.

This is Cunningham Hardware.

It's located on the corner of the street.

This is Cunningham's Hardware Store from the inside.

We've been here since 1946, selling plenty
of hammers and nails and wrenches and

pliers and bolts and screws and electrical outlets.

We'd like to sell you a whole lot more.

Remember our famous motto, if you need hammers or nails or
wrenches or pliers or bolts or screws, come to Cunningham's.

And now, back to Zombie Theater.

I wrote that.

Boy, wasn't that terrific?

Wasn't that great?

Well, wasn't it?

Oh, great.

It was really terrific.

The color was perfect.

Yeah, I liked your famous motto.

Real catchy.

Oh, thanks.

That was my favorite part.

Really?

I tell you, this thing is big.

The store's going to be jam-packed tomorrow.

Hey, look.

If any of you guys want to earn some extra
money, show up at the store.

As soon as it opens.

We'd better leave, Howard, because it's
bright and early in the morning.

I don't understand.

I can't figure it out.

This is the worst Saturday I've had in four years.

Jim!

Ah!

Hey, everybody.

How you doing?

Oh, you look exhausted, huh?

Well, they must have come in here like
locusts and just... Picked up everything.

That's not the way it works, Fonz.

No, huh?

Maybe it wasn't a good idea.

It was a good idea.

I'm telling you, it was a great idea.

And I've been thinking about it.

I've been thinking long and hard.

I think I finally figured out what our problem is.

We don't know what the heck we're doing!

No, Richie, don't stop.

You're on the right track.

Look, I'm sorry.

It's partly my fault, too.

I'm a journalist.

I try to write the truth.

I don't know anything about hype or selling.

Oh, it's okay, Richie.

Dad.

Dad, there was this fellow who lectured at college.

He's in advertising.

He's got an office here in Milwaukee, and
maybe he can help us do this thing right, huh?

His name's Van Buren.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's go find him, huh?

We're closing up early.

I'm going to make a bigger and a better commercial.

Oh, how are you?

You were just like a little ball of energy.

Well, I'm going to get you yet.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Well, gee, Mr. Van Buren, I like your ideas, but you
know, Cunningham Hardware is not a very big store.

Mr. Cunningham, it's not a big store yet.

Oh, you hear that, Marion?

He said, yeah, yeah.

I have an idea, Mr. Cunningham.

Let's put this on the back porch and see
if the cat licks it up.

Oh, that's advertising talk.

Now, what would you consider a reasonable
return on your investment for this ad campaign?

Oh, gee whiz.

I don't know.

Well, maybe a 25% increase in business?

Well, 15%.

Don't say 10, Dad.

You'll have to call a doctor.

That's about 40, huh?

What?




in two months or I return my fee.

Now, let's plant that in the ground and see what grows.

You mean to tell me that you're going to
guarantee me a 40% increase?

In writing, I have complete control.

You do exactly as I say.

Oh, of course I will.



You're the expert.

Howard.

What's the matter, Marion?

Well, dear, you're giving him complete control.

Yes, but I have all the guarantees.

Now, come on, Marion.

Let's stick it in the toaster and see if it pops.

I have an idea, Mrs. Cunningham.

I see the four of you on television,
in the commercial, on TV.

Us?

Wow.

On TV?

Well, Howard, what are you waiting for?

You have the guarantee.

Just sign it.

It's like the four of us are going to be a star.

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Where do you unwrap the magic?

It's all the inside.

JCPenney.

Inside that robot is something familiar.

A battery.

And while you may think all batteries are
the same, listen to this.

It's just the rain.

But with his Phonak hearing aid,
he's hearing it for the first time.

And when Phonak chooses a battery, they trust Duracell.

You heard the rain.

So whether it's a child's hearing or
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Duracell.

Trusted everywhere.

All right, places, everybody.

Now remember, tonight, we go on live.

This is just a rehearsal.

Are you ready?

All right.

And action.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you the owner of this store?

Why, yes.

I'm Howard Cunningham.

Well, I tried shopping at another hardware
store, and I'll tell you the truth.

They weren't too friendly.

Tell me this.

Is this a friendly hardware store?

Friendly, sir?

Why, when you come into Cunningham's
hardware, you're treated like one of the family.

Oh, Marion.

Oh, Joanie.

This is my wife, Marion.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

This is my daughter, Joanie.

Would you like some cookies?

We just baked them.

Sure, you guys are friendly.

Oh, Richie.

Hello, sir.

This is my son, Richie.

Did you meet my mother and my little sister?

Oh, yes, I did.

A real pleasure.

Would you like to join us for dinner?

By golly, this is the friendliest store in town.

That's right.

And remember our jingle.

We'd like to sell this to you.

A hammer, a hacksaw, a bolt, a screw.

We'd like to sell tools, to you, today.

Boop, boop, they do.

Beautiful.

Sidney, you were terrific as always.

Thank you.

Mr. Van Buren?

Yes.

How are we?

Oh, fine.

Fine.

Really?

Really?

Really fine?

Well, now that you bring it up,
I guess I sort of pictured a younger son.

Oh.

Oh, well, you know, it's too bad we
weren't doing this a few years ago then.

I could probably act a lot younger.

How about this?

Hi, Dad.

Better.

Better.

I think maybe wardrobe might help.

Go to wardrobe.

They'll figure it out.

Right.

Oh, Richie!

This is my son, Richie.

Hello, sir.

Have you met my mother and my little son, Mr. Van Buren?

I'm sorry.

Look, I just don't feel very... very
comfortable in this particular outfit.

Cut!

Cut!

You know, the beanie and the shorts.

Yeah, I know.

Look, young fella, do you want to let your father down?

Well, no.

Of course I don't want to let him down.

Well, how much do you really want to be in this commercial?

Less and less all the time.

Good!

Good!

Okay, bring in Billy!

Billy?

Yes, I took a few precautions.

Tough break, kid.

But then again, nobody ever said that show
business was fair.

Be careful with this glove.

This has got Hank Aaron's autograph on it.

I got it right before the 57 World Series.

What is this?

Show and tell?

Just give me the glove!

This kid's cruising for a bruiser.

Yeah, but he's good.

Now, that's artistic temperament.

Billy, you know your lines?

Hey, of course I know my lines.

But look, don't hold me to the copy.

I might throw in a couple of things if I get hot.

You're a frightening child.

All right, let's take it from Billy's entrance.

The beanie.

I was the only one who got replaced.

All right, I want you to come around here.

I want the two kids together.

All right, Howard, are you ready?

And cue him.

Oh, Richie!

This is my son, Richie.

Hello, sir.

Have you met my mother and my little sister?

Cut!

Something seems not to work.

Well, I could call on my big sister.

Yes, well, I think I know what the problem is.

Do we need two children?

Mr. Van Buren, if you think that it's not
working out, I don't want to stand in your way.

The commercial is what's important, not me.

That's a very professional attitude.

Okay, bring in Scruffy.

Scruffy?

Scruffy?

My dog?

Howard!

Howard, say something.

Your daughter's been replaced by a dog.

Mr. Van Buren.

Yes, yes.

Do we really have to replace Joanie with a dog?

Howard, remember our agreement.

You get a 40% increase in business, guaranteed.

Now, I call all the shots.

You gotta let me call the shots all my way.

All right, I am, I am.

I mean, I let you replace my son,
and I let you replace my daughter.

What more can I do?

Oh, now that you're bringing it up.

But!

But!

But!

Come out here.

Howard, this is Bart.

Now, isn't he a good-looking guy?

Well, yeah.

Don't you wish you looked like that?

I bet I will in a minute.

When women see him on television, they're gonna come
into this store just looking for an excuse to buy something.

Yes, but when they get here, they're gonna find me.

That's right.

Yeah, of course that's right.

I've got it.

I've got it.

You will be Iggy the Stock Boy.

Iggy.

Now that it's all settled, bring in the family.

All right, step aside, Iggy.

I'm stepping aside.

Hi, there.

Well, Billy, it's almost perfect.

Yeah.

Almost.

Almost perfect.

All right.

Yes.

Oh, Ingrid!

Hi, where do you want me to cuddle?

Stay in there.

Now that's the Cunningham family.

Who are we?

I don't know about you, Marion.

I'm Iggy.

Okay, we're running late.

This is the last rehearsal.

So, Howard, you know your lines?

Yeah.

I think so.

So, here are the screwdrivers, Mr. Cunningham.

Here are the screwdrivers.

Relax, relax.

That's very good.

Where's your lovely family?

Oh, them.

Well, I don't think they're coming down.

See, it sounds kind of crazy, but, well, they think
that this whole thing has turned out kind of degrading.

Degrading?

A 40% increase in business?

Well, they'll change their tune about
degrading when you buy them a car.

Yeah, and the new dishwasher.

I told them that.

Now you're talking my language.

You're doing the right thing.

All right, places, everybody.

Hey, Mr. C, I'll tell you something that's
very exciting, huh?

All these cameras and everything.

Hey, Fonzie, you're just in time to watch
the dress rehearsal.

Oh, listen, now, get out of your way.

I was just wondering, when you get a moment,
would you sign my helmet right next to Annette Funicello?

Oh, you've got Annette Funicello's autograph?

She gave me hers, I gave her mine.

Do you belong here?

Yeah, I belong everywhere.

Why don't you get on with your little work here, eh?

Thank you, Ralph.

Howard, I've got a big surprise for you.

I'm not Iggy anymore?

No, better.

We lined up a celebrity.

Who?

Oh, you'll see.

All right, last rehearsal.

Let's go.

Places, please.

All right, Sidney, you're still in there?

You ready?

And action.

Excuse me, sir, are you the owner of this store?

Yes, sir, I'm Howard Cunningham.

Oh, well, tell me, is this a friendly hardware store?

Friendly?

Sir, when you come to Cunningham, hardware
store, you're treated like one of the family.

Oh, Marion, Joanie, this is my wife,
Marion, and my dog, Joanie.

How about a cookie, you big, handsome man?

Thank you.

Oh, Richie, and this is my son, Richie.

Here are your screwdrivers, Mr. Cunningham.

Oh, thank you, Iggy.

This is my stock boy, Iggy.

Gee, Dad, look who just came to the store.

It's Henry Aaron.

It sure is, Iggy.

You know, folks, Hammer and Hank wouldn't buy his
hammer anyplace but at the Cunningham's Hardware.

You know, they lead the league in friendly service.

Cut!

That was terrific, Henry.

It is.

It's Henry Aaron.

All right, everybody, we go on live in three minutes.

Hey, Fonzie, isn't this exciting?

Henry Aaron.

Oh, yeah, it's exciting, Iggy.

You see, they had a few cast changes,
but Mr. Van Buren knows what he's doing.

He's calling all these strangers the Cunninghams.

Yes.

Well, you see, that's called improved
personality image, you know?

Oh, yeah, I thought it was called lying.

Well, it's not lying, Fonzie.

I mean, Don Amici played Alexander Graham Bell, didn't he?

Yeah, right, but he wasn't selling phones, you know?

I mean, it's the real store here.

You're the real owner, right?

Mr. C., is this legal?

Oh, you're kidding.

No, I'm not.

Wait a minute.

Uh, Mr. Van Buren.

Yes, Iggy.

Hey, Howard.

All these actors playing my family... Now, is that legal?

Define legal.

What's not against the law?

Oh, that legal.

Well, technically speaking, if somebody
wanted to make a case out of it,

we wouldn't come out completely clean.

By the time they dragged it through the
courts, you'd be so rich, it wouldn't matter.

Hey, you see, Fonzie, it's okay,
because by the time they drag it through

the courts, I'd be so rich, it wouldn't matter.

Shame on you.

I don't believe what you're saying.

Neither do I.

Howard, Howard, Howard, now, we're here.

Now, not because of the new dishwasher, but if you think
that what you're doing is right, we want to back you up.

And we figure if you didn't think it was
right, then you wouldn't be doing it.

We believe in you, Dad.

All right, places, everybody.

Ten seconds to air.

Iggy, get on the side.

Everybody back there.

All right, ready?

Five, four, three, two, one.

You're on the air.

We will return to our feature in just a moment.

But now, this word from our sponsor.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you the owner of this store?

Yes, sir.

I'm Howard Cunningham.

Oh.

Well, tell me, is this a friendly hardware store?

Friendly?

Well, sir, when you come to Cunningham's
Hardware Store, you're treated just like one of the family.

Oh, Marion, Joanie, Richie.

This is my wife, Marion, my son,
Richie, and my dog, Joanie.

Would you like a cookie?

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

Here are your screwdrivers, Mr. Cunningham.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Iggy.

This is my stock boy, Iggy.

And don't forget our jingle.

We want to sell toons to you.

All right.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

That's enough.

Have a cookie, Iggy.

I don't want a cookie.

And stop calling me Iggy.

Now, look, folks, all of this is really nonsense.

This man here, he is not Howard Cunningham.

I am the real coward Howard Cunningham.

And this is not my real family.

If you want to see my real family, just follow me.

They're right over here.

Don't move the camera.

Don't move the camera.

How would you like to be dead on live TV?

Move the camera.

You could have been rich.

You should have been rich.

Now, look, folks, this is my real wife, Marion, and
this is my son, Richard, and this, this is my dog, Joanie.

I love my, my, my, my daughter, Joanie.

I do the best I can.

I'm an honest businessman, and I stand behind what I sell.

So if you want to come down here to Cunningham's Hardware,
we'll give you quality merchandise at a good price.

Thank you very much.

Oh, wait a minute.

I almost forgot.

Uh, uh, Mr. Aaron.

Oh, oh, Mr. Aaron.

Hey, hey, hey, Gary.

Hey, Gary.

Now, this, this is really on the level.

This is the real Henry Aaron.

I've met you before.

I've met him.

I, hey, kid, here.

Give me, give me that glove.

You see that?

Remember, you, you signed that right
before the 57 World Series?

It was the thrill of my life.

Autographing my glove?

No, you're playing in the World Series.

Oh.

Ah.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

Fellas, we still got a commercial going on here.

We got 10 seconds left.

Hey, Mr. Cunningham, allow me, huh?

Hey, everybody, how you doing?

Cunningham Hardware.

The man believes in everything he sells.

He's open six days a week.

On the seventh day, he takes a rest.

Come down here, leave a lot of money.

I love you.

Whoa.

Mr. C, you were great.

I'll tell you something, Hank.

You were great.

Would you let go of the man's hand, please?

Come down here for a minute.

You're on live television.

You know you made a fool out of yourself.

That's Hank.

Will you cut it?

Stop.

This one.

A couple papers, mails in a mailbox.

Yeah.

Give me the package.

They think the signs read, no one is home.

Yet they missed the most important sign of all.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Hello?

It's Briggs.

It's okay.

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What do you call a sale?

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Sweet.

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Where do you unwrap the magic?

It's all the inside.

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Wait till you see this, Henry.

This is a great one.

Oh, here's a picture of me sliding home in
the Little League Championship.

Oh, that's terrific.

Yeah, I was out.

But over here, that's a picture of me
diving after a line drive.

Oh, that's great, that's great.

That one just ticked off my glove, but I got one over here.

Oh, it's really terrific, but I really have to go now.

Yeah, the season starts in three months.

Listen, Mr. Aaron, I can't thank you
enough for helping out on the commercial.

You know, I really thought that commercial
was on the level.

Well, thanks to your endorsement and
Fonzie and... And Howard, your honesty.

Yeah, yeah, well, I think it'll be just terrific.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, how you doing, huh?

I want to just tell you, Hank, I love
your style, I love your name, huh?

You're in the Nick time, Arthur, he's just leaving.

So long, folks.

Hey, I'll walk out with you, all right?

Hit a home run.

Don't I always?

Goodbye, gray sky, hello, blue.

Nothing can hold me when I hold you.

Next on The Brady Bunch, a matter of national security.

You know, if Richard Nixon had seen this
episode involving Peter's secret tapings,

the course of American history could have been changed.

Stay tuned for The Private Ear, next on TV Land.

These happy days are yours and mine.

These happy days are yours and mine.

Happy days.