Ladies and Ben,
how are we doing?
Hello.
How's the bride?
Cool and collected. How else?
How's my brother?
He tried to run,
so I tied him up.
Oh...
kinky.
I show up to the
University of Virginia
fall semester, freshman year,
confident, charming,
already well experienced
in the sexual arts.
-Mark.
-Who should be my roommate,
but a skinny,
book-reading mama's boy.
You cried that first night,
-I remember.
Mark.
Still dating his
high school sweetheart.
Come all the way to Virginia
from bumfuck, Missouri...
St. Louis.
Thinking he was there
for an education
in higher learning,
only to realize that
he was actually there
for an education
in the worldly ways
from his soon-to-be best friend
and eventual best man, Mark.
Yes, he taught me so much.
Listen, I left my cufflinks
in the overnight bag.
I might need you to grab them.
Drink.
I don't wanna get drunk.
I didn't say to get drunk.
I said have a drink. Come on.
Last thing you want is
to be tense at the altar.
Last thing
I want is be distracted
because I have to piss.
God...
dammit!
There you go.
Settle those nerves.
You know, monogamy
doesn't scare some of us
as much as it scares others.
Who says it scares me?
You have six different
Stephanies in your phone.
Yeah, that was a
popular name in the '90s.
Plus, I watched a lot of
"Full House" growing up.
I'm pretty sure that
Jodie Sweetin taught me
everything there is
to ever know about lust.
You could at least
get their last names.
I'm sure Stephanie Red Hair
would appreciate the effort.
Stephanie Red Hair
appreciates effort,
plenty, Ryan, trust me.
If you want,
I could call her
Stephanie Old Faithful.
Why Old Faithful?
What is Old Faithful, Ryan?
A geyser.
Oh goddammit, dammit!
Bring a snorkel!
Nope, nope.
Where are the guys?
I asked Ben to round
everybody up
to get ready to see people.
A little early, no?
Maybe.
I wanna spend the rest
of the time alone.
Oh, sh*t. Say no more.
-I'll get out of here.
-No, no, not...
You know what I
thought on move-in day?
Oh sh*t, my
roommate's awesome.
He'll probably wingman
the sh*t outta me.
Oh sh*t, my
roommate's a blowhard,
troglodyte-wannabe jockstrap
high-school baseball star
who thinks college
is for keggers
and to have as much
sex as possible.
Come on. Was I so bad?
I wanted to thank you.
You're welcome.
For what?
For better or for worse,
you did become my best friend.
I didn't have a brother, so.
You took that what was it?
Skinny, book-reading mama's boy.
You helped me come into my own,
and in the end,
you did wingman
the hell outta me.
You're still a
book-reading mama's boy.
I am, yes.
But if it weren't for you,
I wouldn't be here today.
Trust me, dude, the reason
she's marrying you are yours,
not mine.
Having some trouble?
Stupid zipper's caught.
I hate that.
What are you tabling for?
Pancakes for Parkinson's.
You wanna volunteer?
Not entirely sure
you want me to.
The one time I tried
to cook pancakes,
it ended in disaster.
Oh my!
A disaster, huh?
I either burned them
or I flipped too early,
and they fell apart.
You gotta wait till you count
five bubbles in the batter.
Five bubbles?
Yeah, then you know
it's cooked enough
to handle the flip.
All right, I'm in then.
Oh, I'm Rose.
I am Ryan.
Thanks for volunteering.
Yeah.
Are you on the committee?
I am.
My dad has Parkinson's
actually, so.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No worries.
We're just glad
you're helping us out.
Well, some people are doctors.
Some people ruin pancakes
at charity events.
We all do our part.
So where do you live?
I live on 14th Street with
my friends Mark and Ben.
Oh, nice.
I'm in the Pi Phi house.
Of course you are.
What is that supposed to mean?
You just seem like a Pi Phi.
Oh, I see, and
how do Pi Phis seem?
It's not a bad thing.
Oh, hold on. Sorry, my phone.
Hey.
Oh yeah, I just got finished
signing up volunteers.
Okay, another night then.
All right, no worries.
Okay.
Bye.
Boyfriend?
Oh, we're sort of
on-again, off-again.
And right now you're...
Mostly off, I guess.
Hey, I got some
friends meeting up
at the Virginian tonight.
You should come.
Sure, that sounds like fun.
I love the Virginian.
Yeah, I love a
good glory hole.
-What?
-A glory hole.
What do you mean?
You know, like
a small, rundown,
out-of-the-way, charming place.
You mean a hole in the wall?
Hole in the wall.
What's a glory hole?
You know, it's
your last chance.
For what?
Tell me I'm making
a huge mistake.
Getting married?
Well, marrying her.
Why would that be a mistake?
I don't know.
You told Ben he was crazy
when he proposed to Livia.
He was crazy.
He proposed in college
like a horny Mormon.
They're still
together, though.
Yes, I was wrong.
True love is real.
Some people do find happiness.
Blah, blah, blah.
Have you seen her today?
I have.
How does she look?
Hideous.
She looks great, man.
How the hell do you
think she looks?
She's in a pretty white dress.
She can't stop smiling.
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
Okay, Rose.
You can do this.
You just...
you just walk up and...
you just, you just
walk up and...
f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!
f*ck!
Hmm.
You know, that's
why God made clip-ons.
I'm not wearing a
clip-on to my wedding.
Oh yeah, it's my wedding.
Everything has to be authentic.
I'll go
download instructions.
Hey, you're here.
-I'll go.
-No, no need, man.
We're gonna have a few drinks
before we head out tonight.
-It's Monday.
-Neat thing about Ryan,
you'll be surprised to learn:
he looks like a man,
but he's actually a calendar.
Ryan, would you like
to have a drink with us
on this most auspicious,
apparently Monday night?
-I'm good.
-I like this painting.
Oh yeah, I love this guy.
He's a little kitschy maybe,
but I think the color is
a really effective way
to capture the,
like, expl*sive joy
in quiet moments like this.
It's so pretty.
Yeah.
Hey, where's the
bathroom in this dorm?
Do you need to sh*t?
Oh my God, no!
I have to pee.
Girls are on the even floors.
Thank you.
-I'll be right back.
-The clock's ticking.
More than three minutes,
we'll start assuming.
f*ck you, Mark.
Stick around
man. Have a drink.
When you asked me to hang
my poster over your bed,
I didn't think it'd be for that.
You know, you can
choose not to hate me.
It's only October.
We got a few months of
living together left.
Well, yes,
I'm aware, being a calendar.
Dude, that was a joke.
Come on, did that upset you?
It upsets me when
you drink in here,
and you know we're
not supposed to.
And then it looks like two
tornadoes f*cked their way
through your half of
the room last night.
Hey, those
tornadoes have names.
Yeah. What was hers?
-Katrina.
-Katrina was a hurricane.
Come on, man,
her name was Tess.
Look, I'm not exactly
reinventing the wheel
by having a little bit
of casual sex in college.
You should try it sometime.
You might find you
actually enjoy it.
Some of us are actually
looking for that, Mark.
Well, I mean, yeah,
in, like, 30, 40 years.
I mean, we're young.
We gotta sow some wild
oats before doing this.
I don't know.
I mean, her analysis was
un peu unsophisticate,
but she's not wrong.
It is pre...
It is pretty.
sh*t, I left
my phone in my car.
You're gonna make me
go get it, aren't you?
Probably.
My God, you're such a diva.
Well, I'll get it.
You need to get the cufflinks.
Right.
My sister won't let me
anywhere near that room.
I'm surprised you let me
anywhere near your sister.
What?
Nothing.
Good plan. You get your phone.
I get the cufflinks.
Rendezvous here.
Have six or seven more drinks.
Go to the altar.
Meet the love of your life
to get married in one
hour and 53 minutes.
Go to the reception.
Have a few more drinks.
Dance with the bridesmaids.
See how many stick their
tongue down my throat
and possibly in other orifices.
We will see, time will tell.
Hands in. Ready?
-Oh!
-Break.
f*ck it, let's do it.
Like, I wanna
FaceTime her just for a second.
Well, I don't know
how you're gonna have
any service out here.
My fantasy football
app wouldn't load.
-Hey.
-Hey.
How are we doing?
Good. Do you wanna
come in and say hi?
No.
Your brother left his
cufflinks in the overnight bag.
-Ah, right.
-Can you grab them?
-Sure, give me one second.
-Thanks.
Do you
know if Rose is here?
Mark says she wasn't
invited.
I haven't really
wanted to ask about it.
Yeah, me neither.
Have you
talked to her at all?
No, we had several conversations
after her dad died,
but you know, we just kind
of lost touch somehow.
Right.
Rose?
Rose!
Oh sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
Rose!
Rose.
Mark? Hi!
Hi! Holy sh*t!
I had no idea you'd be here.
-I know!
-Look at you, you look great!
-So do you!
-Oh my God! How are you?
Good, I'm good. Really good.
Where's Ryan?
I wanted to say a quick
hi before the ceremony.
He's just getting
his phone from his car.
He'll be right back.
I'll show you the cottages.
Great.
I can't
believe you're here.
What's the big deal?
Well, come on, I don't know.
I thought it'd be just
a little, you know...
I mean, he and I
talked about it,
but I thought that
he'd decided to...
Well, I didn't
know he changed...
I thought that he...
I didn't know you...
I didn't know. I
thought you weren't...
-Invited?
-That's the word.
I wasn't.
What?
Technically.
Technically?
Wait, wait. Okay, so what?
Did he call you last night?
Like, "Hey, sorry,
super last minute.
Can you make it to the wedding?"
No.
What? Did he, like,
sh**t you a text?
Nope.
Snapchat DM?
No Snapchat DM.
Carrier pigeon?
No, he didn't use
a carrier pigeon.
Cool, cool. Hey.
Quick clarification,
and I don't wanna put you
on the spot or anything,
but it seems like maybe
he has no idea you're
gonna be here today.
That's probably correct.
-Ballsy.
-What?
Look, this is a
really nice surprise.
I mean, who doesn't love it
when emotional complications
show up unannounced
to a wedding?
But I really think that
if he's not expecting you,
it's probably best if
he doesn't see you.
-Why not?
-Sure, sure. Fair question.
I just think that it might, you
know, bring up some memories
that he doesn't wanna
relive today, or ever.
And I don't wanna
be rude or anything,
but if you could just kindly
get the f*ck outta here.
I just need to talk to him.
Right, and in a fair universe,
we would both get
what we want today.
You would get to talk to Ryan,
and I would get to
lick chocolate mousse
off of Gal Gadot's abdomen.
Unfortunately, the
universe is very cruel,
and I don't think Gal
was invited either, so.
Mark, it'll be okay.
Yeah, that's very
optimistic, and I admire it.
Positive outlook,
beautiful thing.
I too have read "The
Secret," but I just think
if he's not expecting
this, it's probably...
Rose. Rose.
Rose!
Stop chasing me!
Stop running.
Oh my God!
Put me down, Mark!
No, no, no.
Put me down!
Mark!
You are the worst!
Look-
I know, it sucks that
you weren't invited,
but you can
understand why, right?
Of course I understand.
God!
What's she like?
What's who like?
Julia.
Julia. She's...
Why?
Because my best friend
is marrying the woman,
and I've never spoken to her.
Right, and again,
not trying to be rude
or anything, Rose,
but f*cking duh.
What did you expect?
Does he love her?
No, I don't think so.
I think they just got
bored this morning
and decided they'd
throw a wedding.
Does he love her like...
No.
No.
Holy sh*t!
Holy titty sh*t!
Aren't you just my
girlfriend's period after prom?
-What?
-Better late than never!
-Mark!
-Are you out of your...
f*cking mind right now?
-Calm down!
-No, no, no!
No, no, no!
I will not calm down.
You cannot come here today
and tell me to calm down!
I just wanna see him.
You're in luck. He's on Insta.
-I need to talk to him.
-You can't. He's gone.
-We just saw him!
-Nope, not him. Doppelganger.
Weird thing that
happens around here.
Look, it's over.
The wedding was early.
They drove the car away with
the cans into the sunset,
and the priest talked
like an auctioneer.
It was like,
"Ryan, do you take Julia to be
your lawfully wedded
wife, in sickness and in health?
I now pronounce you
man and wife. Sold!"
Why would you slap me?
You know that's my kink.
Mark, take a breath.
-It'll be okay.
-No, it really won't be okay.
Look, we have a
lot to talk about,
I promise you, and
I want to do it,
but now is not the time, okay?
So we're just gonna take
you back to your car.
Oh!
He needs to know how I feel!
No, he actually doesn't.
Why are you so strong?
I can't sit back
and do nothing.
Yes, you can.
You have to.
Oh, that is so
easy for you to say.
- Is it?
- Rose!
- Hello!
- Hi!
Oh my God!
Hi!
Oh!
Oh!
We were just talking about
how we hoped you'd be here.
Oh, I wouldn't
miss it for anything.
Including common decency.
-What?
-Rose was just telling me
that she has a white
dress in her car
that she wants to change into.
-Really?
-Yeah.
And I told her, "No one wants
to see you in a
white dress, Rose.
That's a terrible idea.
And as your friend,
I don't want to
see you do anything
that's gonna make people
think you're a total b*tch."
I don't usually side with
Mark on questions of decorum.
Thank you, Ben.
But you probably shouldn't
wear white to a wedding.
Mark's already drunk,
and it's not white.
It's red, which, yes,
can be frowned upon.
But if it's the right
dress in the right shade,
and it definitely
has to be worn today
because there won't be
another chance to wear it,
then, under certain
circumstances, it's okay,
as long as it doesn't call
too much attention to itself.
It calls too much
attention to itself.
It's a Lady Gaga dress at
the Met Gala, but crotchless.
Wow, I guess I would just
have to see this dress.
Trust me, it looks like sh*t.
Rose, everyone has dresses
they want to wear, okay?
I have a dress that
I want to wear today,
but we don't always get
to wear the dresses we want.
Did this dress
hurt you in some way?
You know what, I'm just gonna
stick with what I'm wearing.
It was so good to see you both.
See you at the ceremony.
I just have to do
one quick thing.
Mark, why don't you
tell Ben and Liv
that story about senior year,
how you had sex on Ben's
bed because you, quote,
"needed a change of scenery"?
-What?
-Dude?
I...
need therapy.
Does that mean
that I have had sex
where you have had sex?
Where, yes, but not when.
And the temporal
dimension is important
to consider here, I think, so.
Did you at least
change the sheets?
I gotta go.
Unbelievable!
Oh sh*t!
Oh jeez!
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
For the last time, leave. Okay?
You are not pulling
a Taylor Swift today.
A Taylor Swift?
The eponymous track
in her album "Speak Now"
in which she crashes a
wedding to steal the groom.
Why is that your
reference for this?
Just get the f*ck
outta here, Rose.
I just need a minute.
Oh, good,
because my primary concern was
that you might tell
him too slowly.
Mark, please, please
just help me out.
I just need to talk to him.
I know that this isn't ideal.
Isn't ideal?
No, no, no.
The Missouri Compromise
was not ideal.
Dropping the atomic b*mb
on Hiroshima, not ideal.
The girl I dated who
wanted us to role play
as Scout and Atticus Finch,
not ideal.
This is...
Look, look, I
sympathize with you,
I really do, more than you know,
and I want
to talk to you about it,
but now is not the time, okay?
You are the last person
that he needs to see right now,
so I am just begging you-
- There you are. Did
you...
Did he see you?
Rose.
Hey, Ryan.
What are you doing here?
Come on, you didn't think
I'd miss your wedding,
did you?
Um...
I didn't invite you.
So yeah, kinda.
This is great.
Have the old g*ng
together again,
the Three Amigos, huh?
The third triumvirate.
Let's just forget that all
the other triumvirates ended
in betrayals and assassinations.
Well,
Rose just wanted to say hi,
which she did. I heard it.
So I'm gonna go ahead
and take her to her car
so she can drive away from this
delightful, awkward tension.
And, Ryan, I'm noticing,
with my inestimable
powers of observation,
that your bow tie still looks
like a toddler's shoelace.
So we're gonna get you in there.
We're gonna get that tied.
Let's get to the altar to
marry Julia in 98 minutes.
I like this. This
is a good plan.
I love this plan. Let's do it.
Hands in. Hands in.
Come on.
Ready, break!
I need to talk to you.
-Okay.
-That's not the plan.
Guys. Ow!
Guys.
Okay, you know what, Rose?
I think we're probably
just a little bit tired.
I think we'll just hang
out here and relax.
Can I see him alone?
Definitely not.
-Mark.
-Ryan.
-Mark.
-Rose.
-Mark.
-Ryan.
-Mark.
-Rose.
Did you get the cufflinks?
-Yes, I did.
-Can I have them?
-No, you may not.
-Because you didn't get them.
-No, I did not.
-Can you please go get them?
No, I will not.
-Ryan.
-Mark.
-Don't come in! We're naked.
You're...
Why are you naked?
It's tradition, Claire.
What do you want?
Julia's grandfather
is stuck in her van.
-What?
-What?
He rides one of
those scooter things.
The ramp in the
van isn't working.
They need help to lift him down.
Mark's coming.
No, he's not.
Get Ben to do it.
Ben sent me to get you.
-It's too heavy.
-He'll be right there.
-Will he, though?
-Yes, he will.
You know, I've
been talking to Mark.
He's been doing a lot of
soul searching, and darn it,
I think he really likes
the place he's at.
I think he's my best man
and has to perform his
duties accordingly.
I think a pretty big
part of his best-man duties
involves staying in the room
when the groom's past
Al-Qaedas her way
into the groom's present.
I think we need to
stop talking about him
in the third person.
-Hypocrite.
-Guys!
-He's coming.
-Dude, I'm barely erect.
Okay, well then, hurry up!
I feel like we're
waiting for something.
Mark, you're my best man.
You have to do what I say today.
Fine.
-Rose, come help.
-Oh God.
What? She's really strong.
She can do it.
Look at those arms.
Look at that tone.
I bet you do Barry's
Bootcamp, don't you, Rose?
Mark, go!
All right. Okay.
But I'm coming right back.
I know.
No, no, no.
Like, right back. Okay?
The first time I had
sex without a condom
lasted longer than
this will take.
And trust me, she
was not impressed.
So I think it's probably best
if we just leave the door open.
-Okay.
-Okay, great.
No! No!
This is a holy day.
God is watching.
Ryan!
Oh, fine, but look,
this will be so fast.
Hi.
Hi.
Where are you taking me?
Yep.
Wow!
You said you like gardens.
How'd you find this?
I went to find a quiet
place to read outside,
and voila!
I can't believe
it's already October.
Stop it.
I don't wanna think about it.
What is it about millennials?
We're already so nostalgic
for the moments
we're living through.
So...
you think you're gonna
see Lauren again?
I don't know.
It just seems a little pointless
with only a few
months of school left.
DC's close.
If you hit it off, you can
always visit her next year.
Then I'm that guy who
keeps coming back to college.
So what? If you're
dating someone,
no one's gonna judge you.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Mmm.
Electric.
I'm sorry. I know.
Okay, she's great.
I'll pro...
I'll probably see her again.
I'm just a little worried.
No, I don't wanna
sound like a d*ck.
I know you're not a d*ck.
Come on.
I think maybe she's
just kinda dumb.
You d*ck!
Oh my God!
Look, this is just one
little example, all right?
But she was telling me about
one of her guy friends,
and she kept describing their
relationship as plutonic.
Like, "We went to
dinner last Saturday,
but it was strictly plutonic."
So what?
She mispronounced a word!
Don't be so pretentious.
Don't act like that wouldn't
annoy the hell outta you!
Give me a break.
Okay, I date Cap.
I put up with so much worse.
I just don't get that, Rose.
Yeah.
I don't really either, so.
Please tell me it's just,
like, a college fling.
You're not staying with him
after we graduate, are you?
I don't...
I don't know.
Well, he's gonna
be in Atlanta.
We'll be in DC.
What?
Nothing.
You...
You're not thinking of dating
him long distance, are you?
No, it's...
It's not that. I-
What's wrong?
I just don't really wanna
think about graduation.
-Okay.
-Okay, I just...
I just wanna lay here
in this lovely garden
and pretend like we
get to do this forever.
Done.
You look good.
Handsome.
Yeah, you too.
Nice dress.
It's been a while.
Homecoming, three years ago.
God! Really?
Has it been that long?
-Mm-hmm.
-Jeez.
It feels like just yesterday
we were graduating.
Yeah.
I think about that time a lot.
I don't so much anymore.
Sometimes.
Yeah.
It was a long time ago, I guess.
And now, here you are getting
all married and stuff.
-You know Vietnam?
-I do know Vietnam.
I was there.
Can you get me down?
I have
never been there.
-I was there.
-Wow!
There was a
fight, and the VC...
the VC...
So did you...
When did you get in?
I drove down this morning.
-Right. From New York.
-Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Long way, you must
have left early.
Well, yeah. I mean, you know,
there's usually traffic in
the cities on the weekend,
so I know some side streets
to avoid congestion.
It's just a straight
shot down I-95.
You know, if you plan
stops strategically.
-And then-
-Why are you here?
Because I'm in love with you.
-What?
-I love you.
What kind of cake did you get?
-Rose.
-Here's the thing.
-I love you.
-Jesus!
But that is not the only
development in my life.
I do hot yoga now.
-I have a cat.
-Just stop it!
-There's six hours.
-This is an incredible story.
Six hours!
-Hey!
-Thank you for your service.
Let's get him out, yeah?
Hey, you're stuck, right?
You don't wanna be here.
Who wants to stay
in a van all day?
Who the f*ck are you?
I'm sorry, I wanted
to tell you before,
but you were with Julia,
so I thought that would
be kind of inappropriate.
You thought that
would be inappropriate?
- Ready?
- Oh, we're strapped in.
- We're strapped in.
What? We're strapped in?
We'll unstrap him.
-Let's unstrap him.
-I don't think so!
No, I know. I'm sorry.
I-I-I
hate that I'm doing this.
I was going to be
mature and let you go.
I couldn't sleep last night,
and I turned on the TV.
"When Harry Met Sally" was on,
and I realized that
I had to tell you.
You had to.
Oh, why? Why did you have to?
Because it's a good movie!
-I served my country!
-Yeah, lift the chair.
I served my country!
You've probably never even
used a g*n in your life.
No, it's too heavy.
No, it's not too heavy!
Use your back, Ben,
that's what they say.
You put an AK-47
in your hands,
you wouldn't know
what to do with it.
You're the one who
said that life is short,
and love is worth the risk,
and that it's okay to
look like an idiot.
So here I am looking
like an idiot.
I know my timing is terrible,
but it was now or never.
f*cking look at you,
you're about to get married.
I know!
I know I'm getting married!
Lift with your back!
What do you want me
to be, a human ramp?
You're a wussy.
You wussy.
You couldn't handle it.
Right, let's get
him out of the chair.
Let's get him out.
-God dam-Fine,
okay, we're gonna get you out.
Stand on the chair.
Okay, I'm gonna grab
you in a sensitive area.
I'm Mark, and we're gonna
get you out, all right?
Here we go.
Come on, come on.
- Get him out.
- Stand on the chair.
Get his weight.
Get his weight.
Watch the handlebar.
Watch the handlebar.
Watch it!
Jesus Christ, Rose!
How could you do this to me?
You're the one who said
that we can't choose who
we fall in love with,
that sometimes it just happens.
Yeah, but you...
Jesus Christ, did I
really say all this sh*t?
Yeah.
It was really cheesy.
Well, I was young and stupid,
and you just rejected me.
So I was trying to
salvage our friendship.
Look how it was salvaged.
We went from best friends
to awkward friends,
to we haven't spoken
to each other in years.
When my dad died,
you sent me a letter.
Ben and Liv called.
Mark flew out for the funeral.
But from you,
I got a note.
Nine sentences.
I wrote 30 drafts of
those nine sentences.
I needed you.
I'm sorry.
I wanted to call.
I really did, but-
It wasn't just then, Ryan.
We used to talk every day.
I was in love with you.
I would've stayed that way.
I needed to not stay that way.
So what, you cut
me off entirely,
never talk to me again?
I did what I had
to do to move on.
I mean, you can't get
mad at me for that.
I mean, where was all
this six years ago?
We were graduating.
Everything was
changing so quickly.
I'd never thought
about you like that,
or-or let myself.
And let's be honest,
you were pretty
intense about it.
I was in love.
We were so young.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
I didn't realize it was
like purchasing liquor.
-I should have checked your ID.
-Fine, I, I was so young,
not to mention I had
just broken up with Cap.
Oh, Cap!
I know you never liked him.
His name was Cap.
It was a nickname,
and plus we'd been
dating for over a year.
Dating?
Please, he was hot and dumb,
and you weren't ready to
stop f*cking dumb, hot guys.
Ow!
You know that's
not all it was.
When you told me you loved me,
it was like...
it was like you were
speaking a foreign language,
and it took me a
while to, you know,
translate it for myself.
Once I finally did,
you were with Julia.
So I thought I'd tell you
when you were single again,
'cause that's how relationships
go, I thought, right?
That's how they go.
You meet someone, it's exciting.
You think, "Oh,
there's a future here,"
and then they ask
you to pee on them
to satisfy their urine fetish,
so you part ways.
But you and Julia just
kept staying together,
and then I realized
she probably doesn't
even have a urine fetish.
And then a year passed.
And then I saw you were engaged.
Believe me, I did not want
it to be this way, I didn't.
But if this was my only
chance to tell you,
I had to take it.
Did you date someone
with a urine fetish?
Do you really wanna have
that conversation right now?
No.
Rum and ammunition.
Yeah, let's go. Come on.
Ben, help me with this.
-Careful!
-Oh, no!
Oh, God.
Not that far, not that far!
- Ben, Ben!
- Are you good?
Help with the scooter, please!
It's a lot lighter
without a human on it.
-Get it out!
Well, we'll just put
it back on afterward.
All right, you
fix the scooter.
I gotta go. Lovely to meet you.
Where are you going,
what about the cufflinks?
No time, Claire!
I'm sorry.
I should have told you then,
but I didn't.
So I'm telling you now.
I know that this is
not the right time,
and this is not the right place.
Mark's probably right.
I look like a
total b*tch, but...
I am,
and I was
so in love with you.
Oh, God.
I waited so long to
hear you say that.
I thought about it every day.
Every song was you.
Every book.
Everybody. I went on dates,
I compared them to you.
I lived out our
relationship 10,000 times,
and you come in today
of all the days.
I mean...
what do you expect me to do?
I love her.
But what about me?
Ryan?
I'd apologize except I know
I'm not interrupting anything
because you're marrying a
smart, beautiful woman today.
And you wouldn't
want to f*ck that up
with someone you
loved in college,
unless Rose left and
you're cranking your hog.
No judgment here, man.
That'll keep you relaxed.
If you need tissues or anything,
you just let me know.
Best man here to help you.
So Mark's the same.
More or less, yeah.
Ugh!
What is it, child?
Put your f*ck' books away.
Let's go out.
I can't. I have
a test tomorrow.
Well, not with that
attitude, you can't.
Where do you wanna go?
Let's go to Coupes.
Coupes is gonna be
full of freshman girls
who just got their fakes.
-I know.
-That's special.
Come on, it's spring
semester of our senior year.
We're supposed to be having fun.
We're not supposed
to be doing work.
-You're not doing work.
-Yeah, I know.
I'm a prophet, and
I lead by example.
Ow!
Screw it. I'm in.
- What?
- What? I just had an exam today.
I need to unwind. Okay?
And Mark's right, we
should be having fun.
Exactly. Come on.
Bars, bars, bars, bars!
-Bars, bars, bars, bars!
-Bars, bars, bars, bars!
-Bars, bars, bars!
-Bars, bars, bars!
Guys, I really have
to do well on this exam.
Ryan, I really have
to do a freshman.
-Ugh!
-Oh, relax. It's a joke.
I would take a
sophomore in a pinch.
- Sicko!
- Hey!
Why are we friends with you?
Ryan, you've been
in that book so much.
If you get any closer, you're
gonna need to put on a rubber.
All right? Come
on, let's go out.
Let's have fun. Let's do stuff.
Someday you're
gonna be 35 or 40,
and you're gonna look back,
and you're gonna
wish you had more fun
in the last years of college.
We're all gonna
be in DC together.
We'll have plenty of fun.
Actually, I'm not.
What?
Accenture wants me
in New York instead.
New York?
Yeah, and they were up
in the air for a while.
They just confirmed it.
Hey, come on.
It's not like we gotta say
our goodbyes tonight, right?
We got a few months.
Let's go to Coupes
and have some beer
and listen to a shitty
band for a few hours.
Just as long as
there's no freshman girl
you're gonna ruin.
That's very
sex negative, Rose.
I'm gonna go get changed.
I'll meet you guys there.
No sweats for
the sorority girl.
You coming?
Yeah, you bet he is!
Come on, it's pretty f*cking
weird that they're engaged.
It's unusual,
but it's not weird.
Why are you so upset about it?
I don't know what's worse.
Ben proposing to Liv
or Cap going to Cancun
with his entire fraternity
over spring break
and not taking you.
I didn't know it was a secret.
Do you have any idea
what happens in Cancun
over spring break?
They play Mahjong, I think.
Oh, is that what
they do? My mistake.
I thought they
shattered pelvises.
He's gonna come back
with so much bacteria,
he'll have to declare
it at customs.
-Guys!
-We're just kidding.
I know, it's just he's
missing Pi Phi's formal.
Why? It's the
weekend before break.
I don't know, he's
going to Cancun early.
His little brother
has the week off
before they're meeting
up there, I guess.
Oh my God.
More Mahjong time, probably.
Sorry.
Anyway, um...
I need a date if you're
interested.
That's fine, I didn't
really want to go, so.
If either of you...
Actually, no, no, no.
Not you 'cause I'm 75% sure
you'd leave with another girl.
Just one?
Mm!
Vicki needs a date.
Then you can both come.
Wait, Vicki, Vicki,
with the Vickis?
Dibs! We're going. I get Vicki.
Only if you don't
use that nickname.
It's an endearing nickname.
In what world is it endearing
to call a girl Vicki Titty Face?
It's not an insult.
She has an amazing chest.
She knows it. She shows it.
I want to put my face into it,
so Vicki Titty Face.
Stop it!
Oh my God.
Come.
Hmm?
Come on.
Be my date.
My best friend just got engaged.
Don't make me go solo.
Well, I mean, I don't know.
I-I might be doing something
with Jess that night.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, I'll
see what she's doing,
and I'll let you know.
Yeah, I just thought
it could be fun.
Don't get mad at me.
Cap's the one leaving.
I know, I'm not mad.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Dude, you're going
to that formal.
-I will see.
-No, you will not see.
You and Jess have gone
out, like, four times.
You haven't even got
your fingers sticky.
You're gonna go with Rose.
Ben's gonna go with Liv.
I'm gonna go with
Vicki Titty Face.
It's gonna be a great night.
Looking for another
notch in your belt?
Oh, I'm sorry that I'm
not like Ben and Liv,
my first is my forever.
They're not each
other's first.
First, fifth.
Who gives a sh*t?
Okay, honest question.
What's your body count?
-I don't wanna do this.
-Why not?
Because I don't
want your judgment.
-No judgment.
-Bullshit, no judgment.
You're gonna Sandra Day
O'Connor the sh*t outta me.
No, I won't.
Fine. You go first.
You know, we don't
really have to talk-
-Five.
-All right.
Respectable. Ryan.
I'd rather not talk about it.
I'm just kidding.
I know it's two.
Oh, you, Dude!
Mark, he can get just
as many girls as you get,
but he has,
whatchamacallit, standards.
Oh, I have
excellent standards.
Oh, what? Like
that they're alive.
That's an important one, yeah.
Okay.
So how many girls have
met these standards?
Total?
-38?
Trying to get one
for each president,
but Miss Jimmy Carter
is proving elusive.
Holy sh*t!
Hey, hold up.
You said no judgment.
No, no. Look, I am
very kind to them.
I never pressure anybody.
I often scramble them
an egg in the morning.
Whoa, man!
How'd you ever raise enough
capital to buy 38 eggs?
That is a good,
healthy number.
Since I started having sex,
that's not even one a month.
That's not that bad.
Have you actually
cared about any of them?
Yes. Look, that's...
Y'all are making me out
to be a villain here,
and I don't appreciate it.
I am-I am a perfect gentleman.
I am very respectful of women.
You've just been calling
a girl Vicki Titty Face
for the last 10 minutes.
To you guys as a joke.
I don't actually mean it.
I'd never say it to her face.
To her titty face.
I swear to God, if
you keep saying it,
I'm not setting you up.
No, I'm sorry. It's a joke.
It's forgotten. It's gone.
I will never say it again.
Please, please,
please let me go.
I'm a good date.
You know I'm a fun date.
Fine.
I'm just enabling your
deepest insecurities.
And I very much
thank you for it.
And, Ryan, if you're free,
I'd love for you to be my date.
-Why?
-Because she asked you, dude.
I'll just be, like,
her good friend date.
It'll be totally plutonic.
I know, I know it's platonic.
Well, yeah, you're right.
It is platonic,
and it's gonna be platonic
until it's no longer platonic.
What?
Go to the dance with her, man.
Mix it up. See what happens.
What about Cap?
Do you think Cap is a
permanent fixture in her life?
No, but they're still dating.
What can I do?
You could go to the
formal that he's skipping,
eat some good food,
drink some good wine,
spin her around on
the dance floor,
and see how long she
thinks about Cap.
Dude, what is the issue here?
Everything.
She's still dating Cap.
So I feel scummy making a move,
and in the end, it's just
like another college party.
She might drink,
and I don't drink much,
so that feels shitty.
Well, yeah, if
she gets sloshed,
call a f*ck' audible,
Peyton Manning,
but come on, it's a party.
People are gonna drink a
little bit to loosen up.
A little bit of alcohol,
that's just nature's
truth serum.
Nine outta 10 people
owe their very existence
to a little bit of alcohol.
Even the Catholics
realize you can't get
through f*ck' church without
a little bit of alcohol.
I don't know.
Dude, you gotta f*ck'
use your imagination
here a little bit.
Look, close your eyes.
I want you to close your eyes.
I want you to picture this.
Yeah, close your f*ck' eyes.
Good. Okay.
It's the end of the night, okay?
You've both had a
few glasses of wine,
so you're feeling very
comfortable with each other.
The sun has set,
the moonlight's pouring
through the windows
and bouncing off her dark hair.
The band starts
playing some slow song,
like "You Look Wonderful
Tonight" or some sh*t.
Your hands are around her waist.
Her hands are around your neck.
Your faces are
almost touching...
and all of a sudden,
she looks at you,
and she realizes...
Now, is it the music?
Is it the wine?
Is it what she's
wanted all along?
She doesn't know.
It doesn't matter.
All of a sudden,
she kinda likes the
way your erection feels
pressed against her hip.
Hey, get outta here!
Next thing you know,
it's a Wednesday
afternoon between classes.
You're f*ck' in a janitor's
closet in New Cabell Hall.
I don't think she'd do
it in a janitor's closet.
Dude, I don't know.
She's got that secret freak
thing going pretty good.
How do you know?
Because it's like my
sixth and seventh sense.
Look, man, I'm not saying that
anything's guaranteed here,
but I'm saying you gotta try.
You're running out of time,
especially now that
she's not coming to DC.
Yeah, man, that just...
Sucks hard. I know.
Come to the formal.
You will regret it
forever if you don't.
-Yeah.
-No,
no, not "yeah."
Not "yeah."
Come on, you gotta be amped.
You gotta be full
of spunk and semen!
All right! Yes, okay.
Come on, man.
It's gonna be great.
Nothing gets girls
going like fancy dresses
and guys in suits.
It turns their inner
thighs into water slides.
That's why weddings are so fun,
which, by the way,
if this works out,
I get to be your best man.
Unfortunately, you're
the only candidate
at this point, so.
I will take what I can get.
Probably what
your 38 women said.
Aren't you a
f*ck' clever b*tch?
Ryan, the door's locked.
That's disconcerting.
Hey, baby, it's me.
I just wanna remind you
how much you love me
and how I make you smile
like you just took
12 hits of opium.
-Mark.
-You shhh!
I love you,
and I wanna grab a beer
and catch up after all this,
but you're not my
favorite person right now.
Oh, that's fine.
I'm not my favorite
person right now either.
Great. She gets it.
Self-loathing always
was your color.
Did you get the cufflinks?
No, I didn't get
the f*cking cufflinks.
Hey, buddy.
We gotta get this
tie tied, all right?
Let's get you ready to do this.
I just need a second.
Jesus!
- You broke him.
- I didn't break him.
I just need some
time to think.
-You made him think.
-I kind of want him to think.
It's a wedding, Rose.
If the groom starts
thinking, he's dead.
Come on, bud.
Let's get you going.
Let's do this.
He has the right to know
that he has a choice here.
Hey, Jennifer Aniston.
You had your say. Okay?
Look, I love you both very much,
and there was a time, I think,
that this would've worked great,
but that time passed
about a decade ago.
So we gotta get you ready.
You get up, you get excited.
You can't just sit
here stewing, man.
You gotta get going. We gotta-
-Just stop badgering
me for a second, please.
Okay? This is just
a lot to take in.
You can't do
this to Julia, man.
She doesn't deserve this.
No one deserves this.
I want you to be happy.
I do, I want you to do
what makes you happy.
I was just...
Maybe it could be with me.
I don't even know what
that looks like anymore.
I mean, for years, I
watched you date other guys.
Cap when you guys were on.
Someone else when
you guys were off,
just waiting for my chance.
All it did was k*ll me.
I mean, for Christ's sake, Rose,
you hooked up with one
of my best friends.
You told him about us?
What? No.
-What?
-Nothing.
Did you two fool around?
-What?
-You didn't tell him?
-No.
-Tell me what?
-Nothing.
-What were you talking about?
What were you talking about?
-I was talking about Ben.
-You hooked up with Ben?
I didn't hook up with Ben.
I made out with Ben
at a party once.
Yeah, I know. I saw you at...
Wait a minute.
What did you...
what did you guys do?
Did you sleep together?
-No.
-Yes.
-Did you?
-No.
-Yes, we did, Mark.
-Technically, we never slept.
-Find the loophole, Rose!
-I'm gonna k*ll you!
Okay! Look, it was not serious.
This happened one time.
It was a one-time thing.
It happened one, one time.
-Two times.
-f*ck! Two times.
It was a two-time thing, but
it was just the two times.
sh*t, three times.
-Put away the abacus.
-Oh my God!
Look, in our defense,
we were really,
really, really drunk.
Oh, all three times?
-Two of 'em.
-One of 'em.
Did you keep a ledger?
It doesn't matter.
That's not an excuse.
You're right,
that's not an excuse.
Not an excuse at all.
But if it helps, it really
wasn't even that good.
Hey!
Could you please help
me for a second here?
At least, she's being honest.
You're right, yeah,
she's being very honest.
Thank you for your
honesty, Rose.
Look, this happened really early
in our little dynamic, okay?
I knew you had a crush on her,
but I didn't know how
much you liked her,
and you'd just gone on a date
with Anna What's-Her-Name?
So I figured you were over Rose
and it'd be okay
if I jumped on it.
-Really?
-Or hooked up, whatever.
I don't know what we did.
I'm just saying, I never
would've done anything
if I knew how much
you loved her, man.
That's why I turned her
down the night she called me
after she rejected you.
sh*t!
What?
What the hell, man?
That one's on me.
You wanted to sleep with him?
Well, come on,
it's not that big a deal.
We'd already done
it three times.
Shut the f*ck up, Mark!
You couldn't stand the
thought of kissing me,
but you wanted to have
sex with this as*h*le?
-That's insensitive.
-I'm sorry. I was hurting.
You were hurting?
Yeah, you think breaking your
heart didn't break mine too?
I loved you, but
I didn't know how,
and I had just
broken up with Cap.
I just needed some comfort.
So buy a Snuggie!
Don't try to sleep
with my best friend.
Really, Rose. Not cool.
Oh yeah, Mark.
I know it's not cool,
and I really appreciate
that you're the one
who's teaching me
sexual tact right now.
That's great.
I'm sorry, which one
of us came here today
to ruin a wedding?
I did not come here
to ruin a wedding.
Oh, are you reading
1st Corinthians?
-Son of a b*tch!
-Love is patient. Love is kind.
Love comes in at the
last possible second
to ruin other
people's happiness.
Love is five girls
in one weekend!
That was a good weekend.
Oh my God!
Hardly anyone
completes a pentathlon.
-You named it?
-It takes stamina
and mental endurance.
You are a man wh*re!
You have the emotional
depth of a thimble,
and you have no
idea what love is.
Oh, f*ck you.
You don't have a
g*dd*mn idea about me.
Give me the ring.
-What?
-Give me the ring.
Go get Ben.
You're demoted from
best-man status.
Oh, come on, man. That is pa-
-Gimme it!
-Why? Why?
Because I slept with a girl you
never dated eight years ago?
I loved her.
At the time, I thought she
was the love of my life.
You slept with the
love of my life!
Well, now you're
marrying mine!
What?
What?
What?
You're in love with Julia?
What is love?
You know,
it's this intangible force
that we don't understand
and couldn't possibly-
Mark.
Yeah.
Man, this is f*cked up.
You didn't sleep
with her, did you?
No, man, come on.
I wouldn't do
something like that.
Give me a little credit here.
My little sister's here.
You need to tell
me about her too?
Oh, Mark.
Since we're confessing things.
I did not want this, all right?
You had me for
Thanksgiving senior year.
She was showing me your
spelling bee trophy.
You were in my room?
I didn't wanna do this, okay?
She came onto me.
All right, I told her
no like seven times,
which I should get a medal for.
Your sister is
sexually aggressive.
Oh, God!
Stop it! Stop!
I can't fight you
on your wedding day
-Stop it!
-Slimy son of a b*tch!
I thought of you
the whole time.
Oh my God, are you okay?
That did not go as expected.
f*ck!
I'm sorry! I need therapy!
You need to be neutered!
Oh, no.
Ben!
Mark!
What did you do?
-Oh, no!
-Whoa!
Move out of the way!
-Did you tell him?
-Long story, Claire!
I never would've slept with her
if I knew how much
you wanted her.
What?
Not you, me!
You had sex with Mark?
She did!
And you made out with her!
Claire?
No, me!
I don't remember that.
You infected every
woman in my life!
Me?
No, me.
You slept with Claire!
-Don't answer that.
-I didn't infect Julia.
-But you want to!
-What?
-What?
-What?
All right.
Can we maybe just handle
these things one at a time?
I always knew who you were.
I convinced myself there
was something else,
and there's not.
You're shallow.
You're broken, you're selfish.
You sleep with women too
immature to know better.
The reason you sleep
with so many women
is 'cause you know deep down
you're not good enough for one.
You know what? Fine, f*ck it.
Think whatever
you want about me.
I don't care.
All right?
Get your bow tie on
and get to the altar.
Because if you let her
ruin what you have,
you are dumber than I
ever would've thought.
Don't!
Don't...
touch me.
Did you get what you wanted?
Cram it.
You fell in love with Julia?
I introduced them.
I was dating one of her friends,
and I thought,
"This girl's amazing.
I should introduce her to Ryan."
That was stupid.
Of course, me and
her friend lasted
about 10 days after that,
so pretty good run for Mark.
Is that friend going
to be here today?
I think she will, yeah.
Hmm.
How many women have you
slept with at this wedding?
Just the three.
But in my defense,
only two of them were invited.
So what's he gonna do?
He's gonna marry her.
Yeah.
Hell of a fight, though.
f*ck you.
She loves him?
Very much.
She loves him enough that,
if he were marrying
somebody else,
she'd tell him
before the wedding?
That's a very specific
definition of love.
All right.
I gotta go find him
and undo your damage.
Hey, now.
Fine, our damage.
Hey.
Do you ever
think about the times
that, you know...
Uh...
Sometimes.
-Yeah, I guess.
-Hmm.
-Why? Do you?
Nah.
as*h*le.
as*h*le.
f*ck' as*h*le.
Ryan.
Hey, dude.
Is Rose there?
Uh, no, I thought she
was with Cap tonight.
Where are you?
I'm at Trinity.
Why would you go to Trinity?
Rose said she was here.
Why would Rose go to Trinity?
I don't know.
She texted me and
said she was here,
and it was an emergency,
but I can't find her.
And she's not
answering her phone.
Okay, all right. Calm down.
I'm sure she's fine.
It's probably just a...
One second.
Uh, she's here.
She might be drunk.
She's certainly drunk.
Is she okay?
Uh...
Yeah, I think so.
Eh.
All right,
I'll be there soon.
Okay. Yeah.
Hi, Rose.
Hello.
Whatchu doin'?
Nothing.
Is Ryan here?
Uh, no, he's at Trinity
because he said you texted him
that there was an emergency,
so he's there looking for you.
I know, I...
That's why I'm here,
because he wasn't there.
He is there.
I think you just left too soon
for him to be there.
Was there an emergency?
Yes.
What was it?
Where's Ryan?
He's at Trinity
looking for you.
No, he's not.
Are you okay?
Yes.
Are you sure?
No.
What's wrong?
We graduate in three days.
Right.
Yeah.
I don't want to.
Yeah, me neither.
I don't wanna go to New York.
You guys get to
stay in DC together.
It's not fair.
Look, New York is
gonna be great for you.
You're gonna thrive.
That's your element.
Cap and I broke up.
Did you?
We did.
And whose decision was that?
Technically, it was mine,
but it was his decision
to f*ck some freshman in Cancun!
No, no, no!
No, let me tell 'em.
Let me tell 'em.
Tristan Caperell is an as*h*le
who sleeps with girls who
turned 18, like, yesterday!
Rose.
So if you wanna take someone
who cheats on you with a
girl four years younger,
boy, do I have the guy for you!
Why are you so strong?
They're so skinny!
I know.
It's not fair!
Oh God!
I hate those skinny b*tches.
Ow!
He cheated on you?
Rub it in, why don't you?
Is that the emergency?
Sort of.
Plus, I just wanted to
hang out with you guys
before I lose you.
You're not gonna
lose us, Rose.
We're gonna be living
in different cities.
So what?
We're gonna drift.
No, we won't.
We'll stay as close as ever.
Okay, yeah.
-What?
-That's what people always say.
They say, "Oh, we're
gonna be friends forever,"
and then they're
not. It's a lie.
How could you know that?
You've never graduated college?
You cannot deny that
it's gonna change,
and it'll happen
little by little
till the next time
we see each other.
It's like, what?
Like, homecoming, random
road trips, weddings.
Hey, weddings are fun.
Imagine us at a wedding.
We'll tear sh*t up.
I wasted two years with Cap.
Yeah, he wasn't your best
choice, but you know what?
-We're not gonna do this.
-No, sippies.
-No sippies.
-Sippies, sippies.
No sippies, no sippies.
-No sippies.
-Sippie!
No si--, thank you.
Do you know that he
slept with somebody else?
I heard. I think
everyone heard.
A freshman.
A freshman!
That's something
that you would do.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I wouldn't cheat.
I wouldn't.
You're terrified
of commitment.
-No, I'm not.
-Yeah, you are.
No, I am not.
I'm not terrified of commitment.
I just need to find someone
that I'm not terrified
to commit to.
-That's different.
-Oh, yeah?
38, was it, or has
that number gone up?
I wonder, which of the 38 was I?
Okay.
I don't count you.
Why?
No, Jesus! Stop!
Look, don't take this the
wrong way or anything,
but you weren't just
another notch in my belt.
Oh.
-Thanks.
-No, taking it the wrong way!
Taking it the wrong way!
Oh my God!
Did you leave any
vodka for Russia?
Come on, we've already
done it three times.
Thrice.
That was two years ago.
But it was fun.
-It was fun.
-Yes, it was very fun.
But we said we would never talk-
Why are you being such
a vag*na about this?
Jesus Christ, what has
gotten into you tonight?
Apparently not you.
Come on!
I'm throwing myself at you
with no strings attached.
I thought this was what you
looked for in a woman.
Ooh!
Oh.
Jesus, Rose!
Do you really not know
why we couldn't do this
aside from the fact that
you're f*ck' obliterated?
No.
Oh God,
I swear I don't
get you sometimes.
You're just a piece of work.
-Oh, am I?
-I just don't even...
Are you half as
oblivious as you act?
Who are you calling 'olibvious'
Mr. Fancy Word?"
Do you have any idea what it
would do to him if he came...
Ryan!
Okay.
Come on! Hey!
What's going on?
I'm drunk.
I can see that.
Are you okay?
Mm-hmm.
I have to use the bathroom.
Are you gonna be sick?
No, I haven't been
sick from alcohol
since freshman year.
Junior year,
St. Patrick's Day.
Besides that.
Is she okay?
Yeah, man, she's fine.
She's just...
drunk and sentimental.
-She broke up with Cap, so-
-She did?
But don't do anything
about it tonight, okay?
She's in kind of a weird
place about it, I think.
How do you mean?
I don't know.
I think she's worried
about moving to New York,
and she thinks we're all gonna
drift apart or something.
Hey, she was looking
for you, right?
She wanted to see you, so.
Yeah.
You think that means anything?
Yeah, I don't..
I mean, it could.
It's a complicated question.
She's a complicated person.
You still gonna tell her?
Yeah.
I have to.
Yeah, I get it.
Just be careful.
You're the one always telling
me to sack up and do it.
I know, I'm not
telling you not to do it.
I think you should.
I just-just, you know...
Sometimes I just think that
Rose doesn't really
know what she wants.
I threw up.
Do you wanna
sleep here tonight?
Oh, yes, please.
Oh!
Oh!
All right, I'll
get her a blanket.
You make sure she
doesn't break her neck.
Oh!
Heaven.
Are you feeling okay?
Mm-hmm.
Puking helps.
I didn't mean
about the drinking.
Oh.
I don't know.
Can you talk about it?
I'm just really
gonna miss you.
Yeah, me too.
Did you have fun at my formal?
-Of course.
-Really?
Yeah, of course.
Did you?
I had so much fun.
I'm so glad Cap didn't go.
Yeah, me too.
I was worried.
You seemed distracted.
-I did?
-Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I must have been thinking about
a lot or something.
You're always thinking.
Am I?
You're always thinking,
but you never say what
you're thinking about.
No, I probably don't.
Mm.
Do you remember
when we first met?
Pancakes for Parkinson's.
Yeah.
We flipped pancakes
next to each other.
You sucked so bad.
That was, like, the second
time I'd ever held a spatula.
It was cute.
I got it, eventually.
Sort of.
Remember Halloween last year,
when we went to all
the frat parties
dressed like Gumby and Pokey.
- Yeah.
We looked hella good.
We did.
Do you wanna know what my
favorite memory is, though?
What's that?
It was when it snowed
two feet in a day.
We were stranded,
trying to get home
for Christmas.
We had, like, exams
on the last day,
so almost everyone was gone.
Flights got canceled.
So we put on our snow clothes.
And stole trays from the
cafeteria and went sledding.
No one could drive.
Almost everything was closed.
It was all just white...
and quiet.
It felt like it was
just you and me,
and we had the whole
campus to ourselves.
We built an igloo,
that was cool.
And then we stayed
out for hours,
till the stars came out,
and you said that they
looked like snowflakes.
What's your favorite memory?
I love you, Ryan.
Goodnight, Rose.
The one that got away.
Go away, Mark.
I...
got your cufflinks.
She's not the
one that got away.
Everyone says it's better
to have loved and lost.
No one ever says, "It's
better to have loved,
but never gotten."
You know, it's funny.
I used to hope for this.
I thought it didn't
matter who I was with.
I wanted Rosalyn
Baker to come in
with a declaration of love,
and we'd run off together.
I thought that's what I wanted.
Yeah, man, but you
know what they say,
"Wishes are like assholes."
That's not what they say.
Sure it is.
No, the expression is
"excuses are like assholes."
Right.
Well, maybe wishes
are like assholes.
Why would wishes
be like assholes?
I don't know, man. I'm just...
trying to find the words to say.
I never thought the
other woman would be Jules.
You know, my
father, when I was 14,
he gave me a talking to
about the fairer sex.
You know, he knew that when
you see a really pretty girl,
your first instinct is to
clam up and get nervous,
which makes you say
something stupid,
and you want to dip your ba*ls
into a blender and just...
So he said,
"Mark, when you see
a really pretty girl,
you just imagine her
sitting on the pot,
because, son,
even the most beautiful
woman you meet has taken big,
terrible-smelling shits
just like you have."
That's beautiful.
I know how much you loved her,
and I rooted for you.
You know I did.
Can I ask you something?
Is Julia perfect?
-What?
-Well, I don't know.
I mean, you know,
I think she is,
but you probably know
her better than I do,
so I'm just wondering
if she's perfect.
No.
Really? Weird.
You sure?
Mm-hmm.
Hmm?
What if I'd ask you that
about Rose senior year?
You loved her, you did,
but you also idealized
her a little bit.
And that's poison.
I mean, it's wonderful,
sweet, delicious poison.
You thought Rose sh*t
flowers and Hershey's Kisses,
but she doesn't.
She shits sh*t.
But you held onto
her in this, like,
perfect crystalline form,
and eventually it's
gotta turn over.
You know, it has to get real.
And what you and Julia have,
it's very real.
And I don't get that.
You know, to me,
she's still the perfect woman.
And my stupid male
brain keeps saying,
"Well, maybe if you'd
kept her for yourself,
it'd be you up here today."
I mean, it's stupid.
It's insane. It's a fantasy.
You don't need a fantasy.
You have a reality,
and you know her better
than you know anybody.
You know what she looks
like in the morning
when she hasn't tried one iota.
You know what she
mutters to herself
when she thinks she's
alone in the kitchen.
You know what the
bathroom smells like
when she loses a fight
with Indian food.
Man, what is
with you and poop?
I don't know.
I'll have to consult Freud.
It's probably bad.
The point is, is
that you know her,
and you get to
love her for life.
So don't trade
that for a fantasy,
because I have a fantasy
and I would trade it for her.
I just don't understand why
you wouldn't tell me about it.
I genuinely don't remember it.
Oh my God.
And it happened
before we were dating.
Hello.
Oh, sorry.
Oh sh*t, sorry.
I didn't know this was-
You're fine.
Can I help you?
Um, yes,
I am with the caterer,
and we just wanted to know
if you wanted an update on
the status of your food.
Sure.
Uh, it's being prepared,
and it will be so good.
Thank you.
While I have you,
can I inquire about
the four vegan meals?
Were those prepared?
Certainly, we made five,
just in case someone
gets converted.
Well, that was smart.
Oh, and, Rose.
Is there going to be cutlery
or will the guests
be eating the steaks
and salmons with their hands?
Ah, yes.
There will be proper cutlery.
You...
you just called me
Rose, didn't you?
I've seen pictures.
Right.
So I'm guessing you
don't work for the caterer.
I told him to invite you.
I hope you didn't think
that you weren't
invited because of
petty jealousy or anything.
Oh, no, I don't think that.
But I do recall
he did decide not to invite you,
which begs the question...
Why am I here?
One does wonder.
You know what? I actually
thought I had been invited.
-No, you didn't.
-No, you're right.
That was a lie.
Uh...
Do you wanna know when I
knew I wanted to marry Ryan?
Yeah, sure.
He told me once
that John and Abigail Adams
started all their letters
to each other with
"my dearest friend."
And it was something
about the way he said it
that made me realize,
all my boyfriends till then,
I'd never considered
any of them a friend,
but Ryan had become
a dear friend,
and he considered me as such.
It was something distinct
from our romantic
feelings for each other,
like a different kind of love.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I know you do.
So...
did you tell him?
Yes.
Well...
thanks for doing it
before the ceremony,
not during.
I'm not a total monster.
I know...
You couldn't be a total monster.
Ryan loves you.
Yeah, but he sees
the best in people.
He does.
That's what friends do.
Am I still getting
married today?
I think so.
Hmm.
Good.
I'd very much like to.
Thank you though.
Sure. But why is that?
Sometimes I know he's
thinking about you.
I don't know how to
explain that, but I do.
It's like he just
drifts off for a moment,
falls into a memory.
And I think I
would always wonder
if he really chose me,
or if he just took me
because he never
really had the choice.
So...
now I guess I'll know.
f*ck, that is mature.
It's not that different
from what you're doing.
It's pretty different.
Yeah, it's pretty different.
So where is he now?
Well...
we don't exactly know.
Hmm.
One of the gardens, probably.
He loves gardens.
Yes, he does,
Rose.
Tell him whatever you need to.
I think there's only
one thing left to say.
Well, go say it.
That's between you two.
What if she
hadn't moved to New York?
Ooh, hypotheticals.
Those are fun.
Yeah, sure. I'll play this game.
Hypothetical one,
what if Rose had never
moved to New York?
Hypothetical two,
what if I had never
introduced you to Julia?
Hypothetical three,
what if Scarlett Johansson
suddenly appeared and started
to diddle your nutsack?
Diddle, diddle, diddle.
I like those.
Those are all fun hypotheticals,
but they have absolutely no
bearing on where you are today.
You can walk down a
million different what-ifs.
You'd still end up right
here on this bench with me.
This is your reality.
Your fantasy's running
off with a girl
who broke your heart in college.
To make that your reality,
you have to go
into that cottage.
You have to tell Julia,
"Take off the dress."
Tell everyone else to go home.
Wedding's over.
Is that something you want?
No.
Yeah.
Part of me will
always love her, though.
Yeah, I know.
Go tell her goodbye.
Will you be okay with, uh...
The whole desperate
love of your fiance thing?
Yeah, man, I feel
really good about it.
Plus, hey, I got like
seven different Stephanies
just waiting on my call, so.
You are good enough
for one woman, Mark.
I'll see you at the altar.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey, you.
I'm so sorry this was...
Stupid?
-Yeah.
-Reckless?
Okay.
Selfish, impetuous,
dramatic, immature,
so tactless.
I get it.
And it was brave.
It is worth the risk.
Sorry it didn't
work out for you.
I just...
I just want you to be happy.
That's it. I promise.
I am.
You will be too.
Yeah.
I love you, Ryan.
I'm not...
I...
I can't say that to you anymore.
I know.
But if...
We'll just have to
keep it plutonic.
Yeah.
Strictly.
Look, I gotta get ready.
I can't figure out how
to tie this damn bow tie.
Here.
Let me help you.
My dad taught me.
- I'm Rose.
- Ryan.
Don't act like that wouldn't
annoy the hell outta you.
Come on, be my date.
Yeah.
And you said that they
looked like snowflakes.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Did you know ducks
have corkscrew penises?
-What?
-They're really weird.
Look at that.
Oh! Jesus, Mark!
Ew!
God!
I told you weddings
would be fun.
Yeah.
You also said we
wouldn't drift apart.
Yeah.
You know, when you and
I were fooling around,
I stopped because I
found out that, you know,
Ryan was pretty nuts about you,
and it seemed like you and
I were just having fun.
So I was happy to stand aside
and let him have his shot.
But there was part of me that...
I mean, you're great.
You know, you're beautiful,
you're smart, you're funny.
You're just the right
amount of crazy.
Let's face it, I'm
kind of a d*ck.
So, I mean, he's...
he's the best guy I know.
So I figured if one of
us was gonna be with you,
it should be him
because he deserves you.
But then you come today,
and you do all this.
And, man, I was totally wrong.
I definitely deserved you.
I mean, at this point,
oh man, do you even
think you deserve me?
You slept with his sister.
I need a lot of therapy.
Yeah.
Maybe I do too.
Hm.
How about this?
If we're still
single when we're 35,
we get married.
Really?
You need those two years, huh?
You think that's when
Prince Charming shows up?
He's just out there
flouncing around,
looking for some nubile beauty
approaching the tail
end of her thirties.
Hey!
God!
All right, 37.
I can wait.
So...
what do we do now?
We watch the people
that we are in love with
marry each other.
Sounds awesome.
Yeah.
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Do Us Part (2026)
Moderators: Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341