Deep in the Garden
State,
past the noises and bustle,
a worm dances on a rock.
Until perched on a cliff,
sits a nest of Wagtails
chirping eagerly for food.
Their mother arrives with
a worm, feeding her brood.
But as she does, another
wagtail swoops in,
stealing the prize, the
mooch of the forest.
Instinct runs deep in the
animal kingdom,
and habits are hard to break.
Try as they might to blend
in or follow the rules,
the inner desire for a shortcut
will always shine through.
No matter how hard they try,
one thing never changes.
Once a mooch, always a mooch.
Oh my God, I forgot
how comfortable you are.
Oh, I hate your music.
Me, or my music?
Your music.
That's even worse.
Bye, my angel.
Hey, can you pick up dinner?
I have to redesign the
website proposal for Thursday.
I'll pay.
I'm going out with the
guys tonight, remember?
That's right.
Your fake birthday party
you didn't invite me to.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
Actually, I have something for
you.
-Oh, you do?
-Yes.
Hm.
Why are your hands in your
pockets?
Um. They're cold, I guess.
Shane!
Leslie.
Oh, fine. I didn't want you to
see them.
Seriously?
What, are you in middle school?
Yes.
Tomorrow it's right back
to high school, though.
You need to get a job.
That's why I have you.
-Shane.
-I'm kidding.
I'm not marrying a 30-year-old
caddie.
I'm 29, actually.
Bye.
-Pay the utilities.
-On it.
Still cold.
Every damn day, Linda, why are
we living
in this cheap a*s
neighborhood?
Whoo!
What the f*ck?
I hope you get into an accident
today.
Same to you, buddy.
Shane.
Sunny day
today.
We can expect much more--
Shotgun start today.
So, make sure you direct
your group to the right hole.
We're playing a scramble.
Sorry, guys. What's up,
Jordan?
Early bird gets the worm,
Shane.
Early bird gets the WORM.
All right.
Head off to your assigned
carts. Have a good round.
Best caddies in New Jersey.
Get your assignment, man.
Uh. Hey, Jordan.
What is it, Shane?
My assignment?
Oh, let me check.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Oh!
You didn't get picked.
But, it's a beautiful day.
Uh, go sneak into a movie or
something.
Wait, wait, um, like,
can't you switch some things
around with that fancy
clipboard?
You know, or just give
me Rollie's assignment.
His parents are loaded.
Shut up, Shane! Don't do that,
Jordan.
Relax. I'm not.
There's more to life
than making money, Rollie!
Yeah? You wouldn't know.
Oh, you wouldn't know.
I'm, I'm sorry about him.
He's, like, unhinged.
Huh. Why do you work here,
Shane?
It's, it's the people, you know?
We have a good team and a great
leader.
I'm serious.
I don't know.
Pay my utilities? Why do you
work here?
In two to three years, I will
be playing on the pro tour.
Every day that I'm here,
I'm one step closer to
achieving that goal.
You get what I'm saying?
I do. Pick unrealistic goals.
Have a goal.
Your nails are disgusting.
-See you tomorrow.
-Hopefully not.
Morning, Don!
Hey, hey, wipe, wipe your hands.
Wipe your hands. They're new.
I don't want any of that
cream cheese bullshit
getting on 'em.
Taylor Made. Nice. Hey, Joey.
No, thanks.
Okay.
All right, Jordan.
All right.
Hey, Putts. What's his deal?
Shane?
A little old to caddie, no?
Yeah.
I mean, he used to work
at Scooter Music on Valley
until the place closed down.
Still has a bunch of CDs
he tries to sell us though.
-Interesting.
-I mean, it's like
have you ever heard of
streaming?
Okay, can we not? Please?
-I'm already sweating.
-Yeah, sorry.
I'm just smack that attitude
off your glittery face
if you talk to me like
that again, you hear me?
Loud and clearly.
f*ck you too, Rollie.
Stupid f*cking broccoli head.
Shut up.
-Yo, I'll be right back.
-Fast round.
No, Leo. Not a fast round.
Thank you.
Birthday boy.
Come on.
Oh, my God. Stop.
-It's your birthday.
-Next week.
Oh, please.
Where is everyone?
Uh, the girls are
inside. They were cold.
Wait, the girls are here?
You invited... them.
Oh my God.
Anna is really pumped.
She used to listen to Good
Charlotte back in the day.
She's excited.
Yeah. Okay.
Jesus, Jon. This is not Good
Charlotte.
Hey, excuse me!
Where's Leslie?
She thought it was guys only.
Why would she think that?
Because her boyfriend's an
idiot.
What did he say?
Hey, who's next?
Uh, can we get eight IPAs
and eight tequilas, ASAP?
Jon, do you have any cash?
Uh. Yeah.
No, Jon.
It's his birthday.
-Yeah, next week.
-It's his birthday next week.
Can you make those Patrons?
And doubles?
Thank you. Keep it open.
I'll get the next one
for you. Don't worry.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
All right. Let's f*cking get it.
Oh!
Ew!
Ooh. Mosh pit, I'm in the
middle.
Somebody called this guy a cab.
And that's how I got
Tiger, Cheech Marin,
and RBG to sign one golf ball.
So, remember, be kind.
Don't walk on anybody's line.
Right.
There he is.
Shane, can you remove the
shades?
Yep.
He didn't remove the shades.
Okay. Day two.
36 holes was a lot.
But, today is a light 18,
so give it all you got.
Yeah?
It's the same assignments
except, Rollie,
I'm gonna have you come
work with me today.
-Sound good?
-Yeah.
What the f*ck?
Oh, so when Mama's boy
Rollie isn't picked,
he still gets to work?
- What are you whining
about? You're going out.
Out?
Wait, what do you mean?
What do you mean?
First timer over here.
Remember, it's car path only
on 11
due to the rain last night.
All right. Let's have a great
day.
Let's do it. Hey, uh,
shouldn't you follow him?
I don't think his pants are
gonna unbutton themselves.
Yeah, you wouldn't know.
What? Yeah, I wouldn't know.
Comfortable?
What?
Are-you-comfortable?
Yeah, sort of.
Good.
Thank you.
Hey.
Don?
Huh?
You're Don?
I am.
You guys have clubs?
Brand new Taylor Mades.
Oh. Cool.
Nice.
Uh, where?
Oh, there he is.
Oh, finally. Here we go.
Whew.
What club would you
like?
What club do YOU think I
should use?
Driver?
Driver.
Driver it is.
-Okay.
-We gotta pause it.
We gotta video this.
-Yeah.
-Here we go.
Okay.
Don't forget to stretch it out,
Grandpa.
Yeah.
Opa!
Thank you, Shane.
It looks worse in slow motion.
I'm dropping by you,
Larry. f*cking cheat.
You're the only cheater
in this group, Don.
-Good choice.
-What? What?
God, he's terrible at golf.
You're up, Joey.
Uh. I'm not really feeling
this hole.
Uh, just mark me down a four.
Rich.
Four, for?
Uh, Joseph.
Joey cool?
Uh, no.
Oh, frick. Do you have a pen?
Oh my God.
Here.
Thank you.
Hey. Glitter pen, nice.
Keep it.
Got a pack.
Hey, uh, Shane.
What?
We can't mark a four if
he didn't play the hole.
You don't think I'd get a four?
No, no.
I'd get a four anytime I want.
Just, we have to turn
the cards over at the end-
Mark, Mark, shut up, dude.
Okay? I truly don't care.
Worry about the two idiots in
front of you
and I'll worry about mine, okay?
Yeah? Gotcha, Joey.
Gross. Don't touch me.
Hop on.
All right.
Hey, Mark, Mark, help us!
Oh, save me!
Run!
Mark, thanks.
Great work today.
Thank you, sir. The sand gets
us all.
This guy.
He's great, this kid. I know.
Don, listen. Last chance.
It's a great offer. You should
take it.
She's not gonna ask again.
Kiss my Italian a*s.
Okay. All right, all right,
all right.
No, I'm just, just kidding.
Seriously.
Seriously.
There's a public course down the
road
you should really think
about taking classes.
What? Tell me now how much you
love me.
- They're definitely g*y.
- My God.
Shane.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Don, Joey.
Oh, uh, hey, Don.
We, uh, we don't get
paid hourly, you know?
Oh, right.
See my wallet, it's uh,
a little light today,
if you know what I mean.
No, uh, I don't know what you
mean.
Mm.
Come to my house. We'll work it
out.
I don't know where you live.
Figure it out, detective.
See you, Joey.
f*ck off, Shane.
Any day.
Wowie.
Monsieur! Hurry!
Hurry!
-Monsieur!
-Yeah?
-Come.
-Okay.
-Oh, lo, lo.
-Come on.
Is that a problem?
-Is it
-No. No.
Oh. Oh no.
Forget it! Forget the whole
order.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Come, come.
Go ahead.
Ti, ti, ti, ti.
Hey. You thirsty?
Always.
Natalie, get me, uh, two Diet
Cokes.
Oh. Uh, regular for me.
No, diet or water.
Okay. God.
Water.
Two Cokes and a water, please.
Oui. Yes, sir.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
Okay. Uh, okay.
Sit. You find the place okay?
Yeah.
Um, you know, 10 chimneys
helped.
Well, yeah. That's
what they're there for.
Ah.
Figured. It's like, that's my
sign.
What's your father do?
Uh, I will let you
know if I ever meet him.
Oh, commitment problems.
Father like son, I
guess.
-You smoke?
-Like a chimney.
Hm. Take your pick.
Okay. Mm.
Let's go Cuba. Pick two.
-Thank you.
-Sure.
Now and later.
And how about your mom? She
work?
Uh, yeah.
She manages Sunnyside Diner.
She make a good living?
No.
Well, there's more to life
than making money, right?
I wouldn't know.
You're tough, huh?
No, sir. Quite soft, actually.
I just came here to get my
money, not a therapy session.
Well, you got your money.
You said yesterday to come by.
I know what I said.
Someone took $400 from
my wallet the other day.
I mean, that's a pretty big tip
for a round of golf, don't you
think?
Depends on the round, I guess.
I'm just gonna cut right to
it, Shane.
I'm in a bind.
I need some help.
I need someone like you.
Someone who, like me, comes from
nothing,
doesn't give a sh*t what people
think,
someone who's 30, working
a job for teenagers.
I'm 29, actually.
Shane, I will give you 50
grand to do a job for me.
Pardon, sir, ice, uh--
50,000?
Five now. 45 when you complete
the job.
45 now.
No.
Fine. Deal.
The road to success is a bumpy
one.
You can't be afraid to hit a
few potholes along the way,
but to make a long story less
long,
I started a nightclub
with my two frat buddies,
Larry and Hollis.
You met them yesterday.
Oh, yeah, good guys.
-Pieces of sh*t.
-Uh, f*ck them.
I got a loan, and I
opened up Butch Cushions
and the Moon-Dance Club.
Like "Butch Cassidy and the
Sundance Kid"?
Yeah, yeah. I got it.
Yeah, they were big
film buffs, whatever.
They handled the creative.
I made sure we didn't go
bankrupt.
Did you?
Go bankrupt?
Do you think I went bankrupt?
All right. So what's the
problem?
Hang on one second.
All right, sure.
Hey, moron. Hey, f*ck are you
doing?
What? What?
Didn't Natalie tell
you I needed a phone?
What? First time I'm hearing
about it.
-What?
-Oh, first time.
Don't f*cking lie to me, Joseph.
-What?
-Don't f*cking lie to me.
Get up off your a*s and go to
the mall
and get me a f*cking phone.
I am not asking.
Why can't Dina do it?
Because I didn't ask Dina to
do it.
I asked you.
Jesus f*cking Christ.
Do you want me to send
you back to your mother's?
Yeah, good luck bringing
girls back to that sh*t h*le.
Fine. Whatever.
Yeah, whatever.
Sup, Joey?
Careful.
Sorry about that.
No worries.
You're divorced?
That is the job, Shane.
Sheila, my ex, she filed for
divorce
and is threatening to sue me
for everything despite our
prenup.
Now she moved out a few months
ago
and now she's living in an
apartment above Cooper's
Library.
You been?
No, not much of a reader.
No, neither is she.
Anyway, her and my former
partners are blackmailing me
until I bend over and
give her what she wants.
The kids?
-The club.
-Oh, yeah.
But everybody, everybody
has skeletons in their closet,
Shane.
Including Sheila.
Your job is to find her closet
and rip the f*cking
hinges right off of it.
And uh, why me?
Why not, you know, like a, a
private,
private, private p*nis?
What do you mean, private d*ck?
Yeah.
I honestly tried, four of them.
But they each sided with her.
She is as seductive as she is
cunning.
No offense, Shane,
but I am looking for someone
that has nothing to lose.
I mean, I figure if you're
willing to lose a job over $400,
then you're probably willing
to do whatever is necessary
for a little bit more.
Interesting.
What is?
It's just a thing I say
sometimes.
Whatever you find, it's
just between the two of us.
Understood?
Leaving already?
Dina?
What did he want?
Who?
Don't be cute.
He owes me some money for
a hit I pulled on a guy.
Hmm. Join the club.
-Which one?
-Who cares?
Hm.
How'd you know my name?
Photo.
Sweater with your name on it
helped.
I don't have any photos of
you.
I guess I'll have to ask my
girlfriend
to send you some then.
Guess you will.
I like them, by the way.
Like what?
Your nails.
Mr. Shane!
Mr. Shane!
-Mr. Shane.
-Miss Natalie.
My husband.
-Mrs. Natalie.
-He is missing.
He was working for Mr.
Simisomo, spying on the misses.
Um, why, why are you telling me?
You are the d*ck-tective, no?
Oui, oui, yes.
I talk to the, the police.
They, they, they do not listen
to me.
It's probably the accent, you
know?
His name is Louis.
Is he French?
Oui. Yes.
Yeah.
Does Don know?
No. No, please.
Please, it's just the
between you, you and me, no.
Okay, okay. Sh, okay, okay.
He probably just lost his way
and needs some sense knocked
into him.
Okay? I will find him free of
charge.
Our little secret.
-Merci beaucoup!
-No, no, no problem.
Oh, oh, oh.
Um.
I, uh, I have a girlfriend.
Oui? Lucky lady.
Toot ya later, Natalie.
Bye.
- My chain fell off.
I'll stop on the way.
Okay, merci.
Don't look at me.
Shane, pick up for Shane!
Thank you.
Big appetite?
Uh, yeah. I guess so.
Well, I hope so.
Anything I can help you find
today?
Are you shopping for yourself,
for a man, for a woman?
Your mom, your dad, dog?
Uh, woman.
Oh, wonderful.
Is she a, she a special woman?
-Yeah. Yeah, sure.
-Great.
'Cause I only sell to special
people.
-What?
-Let's have a look, shall we?
How long did you say that you
were dating?
-Uh, four years.
No, five. Five years.
-Five years.
Oh my, that is perfect
because this diamond right here
was mined... five years ago.
You didn't happen to start
dating in,
what was the, when did you start
dating?
-It was--
- February.
February. Stop it.
This is a February diamond.
Actually, it may have been
March.
Close enough.
We could always just, you know,
fudge the papers a little.
How much did you say it was?
You know what? I didn't.
'Cause I just, I don't feel
comfortable
putting a price on love.
Nine, plus tax.
9,000?
Plus tax.
Jesus. Okay.
I was thinking more like one or
two.
Well, I was thinking more
like she was a special person,
but I guess she's not.
Oh no, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hey, no, no, no, no.
She's, she's special. I
only date special people.
Oh, oh, you're good.
Okay. All right, fine.
This is what we're gonna do.
Option A. $7,000 cash today.
Okay. Option B?
12, zero interest weekly
payments of $1,000 cash
plus tax starting today.
Zero interest?
Plus tax. Yeah.
-Deal.
-Now don't be late.
Or else my friend interest
is gonna be paying
your pretty little face a visit,
and he's a real f*cking b*tch.
Okay?
Okay.
Hey, Shane.
Hey. Uh, dinner's on the
counter.
You ready to leave in 20?
Hey, what are we doing again?
Tennis?
Thunderball.
Oh.
It's been great. So, yeah.
So Paul's mom has been
watching twice a week,
but she does just sit
them in front of an iPad,
which is tough.
-Yeah.
-It's tough.
Yes, it's tough.
Because she's not my mom
and you don't say anything.
Well, you know what?
At this point, I would take
anything.
Two days sounds amazing.
I mean, I would take
childcare over my job any day.
-Easily.
-Girl, it is a trade.
Do you want kids, Leslie?
Uh, I think she wants a ring
first.
Mister.
Yes. And yes.
I mean, I don't know.
I mean, it's, it's hard
right now to imagine.
Working 80 hours a week
and raising a kid, I mean,
it's, yeah, it's not possible.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-It's a lot.
Maybe you won't have to.
Leslie, you're dating someone
else.
Apparently I am. Yeah.
Did something happen, Shane?
Um. Yes, Jon.
It did, actually. Thank you for
asking.
Um, I got a job.
-Okay.
-Caddie?
-No.
-Did you sell more CDs?
Got like a, uh, like a job, job.
-When did that happen?
-Doing what?
Uh, a guy at the club, offered
me to do some work for him.
What kind of work?
Research and development.
Ooh, why you?
He said that he likes my
personality.
God.
He said he likes assholes?
You never know.
-Good for you.
-That's good for,
-yeah, connections sometimes.
- Yeah.
Were you gonna tell me
about this job, Shane?
Yes, obviously.
I thought you'd be a
little happier though.
Can we not? Can you turn this
off?
How do you turn this
-f*cking thing off?
- Okay, okay, just ask.
-Just ask.
-It's really loud.
It's really angry. It's,
it's giving me a headache.
It's off. Relax.
It just feels a little sketchy.
I mean, most people don't
just go to a golf course
and then walk out with a legit
job offer.
Well, I guess I'm just
not like most people.
What do you know about this
guy, Shane?
I mean, w- w-what do you know
about the work you're gonna be
doing?
-I know enough.
-Do you have a salary?
Some now. Lots later.
Okay. What about benefits?
Retirement?
Leslie, I made more
money than you this month.
Well, that's amazing.
Are you gonna pay this month's
rent?
If you pay utilities.
It's not about the money, Shane.
I'm so confused.
I don't make enough money,
yet money isn't what you want,
right?
Jesus, everyone in this town
is crazy.
Armpit of America, I get it now.
God.
What are you doing?
Uh.
I'll see you at home.
Are you serious?
You're gonna get out of the
f*cking car
because I didn't jump
for joy at your new job?
No, no, no, Leslie,
I, I think I need to talk to
that woman.
What?
She, she signed a prenup,
but now is filing for divorce.
You know what? Just, okay.
-I'll see you...
-Get out of the car, Shane.
Okay.
Oh.
Leslie, my phone.
My phone!
Awesome, Shane. Great.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Maybe in HD.
I was being facetious.
So was I.
You here to run me over?
Finish the job?
Something like that.
Beautiful. Isn't it?
I think so.
The building doesn't allow open
flames.
I'd offer, but I guess you-
I don't.
But I'll take one.
Then no.
I assume my pathetic husband
sent you.
Only God knows, and only
she cares why you'd accept.
But you did. And now you
have followed me here.
Try to sniff out what I've got
on Donnie.
Nope.
He said you were good. He's
right.
But I didn't follow you here.
Really?
Our paths seemed to
have crossed on their own.
Really?
I was driving home with my
girlfriend
when someone crossed the
street without looking.
I deduced they either
fancied a late night read
or they lived above a library.
Donnie must be getting
smart in his old age.
Why's that?
Hiring someone with a
personality.
And a nice face.
I will, uh, pass that along.
Please do.
Anything else I can pass along?
It's my first day of the job
and, my, uh, more later depends
on it.
I'm sure it does.
Any information I have
has already been shared
with those... film buffs.
But I'm not the kind of woman
to leave a man empty handed.
No?
Whiskey?
Is it expensive?
It's French.
If I must.
Donnie wants to keep out of
prison.
His business lies with his
brothers now.
I only pull the strings.
I don't tie the knots.
And, uh, where might
I find these brothers?
Outside of Thanksgiving,
Christmas, and baby baptisms,
I'd try the club.
Night or golf?
Is there a difference?
Hmm. Thank you, Sheila, for
the drink and the information.
Anytime...?
Shane.
It's a shame, Shane.
What's a shame Shane?
It's a shame about
your girlfriend, Shane.
My daughter would like you.
Why is that?
Let's just say we have
the same taste in men.
You know where to find me now.
I do.
I wrote it down.
Shane, what the hell?
Hi, sorry. Uh, I got locked out.
-Is Leslie there?
-Uh.
Yeah, she is.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah. Um.
Sorry.
That's okay. Um-
Just come, yeah, you're fine.
That's what animals do to each
other.
What is that stink face?
Did evil Mr. Shane scare you?
Morning, Anna.
You get something to...
Of course, you did.
Hey, Anna? Can I ask you
something?
Do you think that I'm a failure?
Uh, are you sure you wanna ask
me that?
Well, I know that
you'll be honest with me.
Exactly.
-Good morning.
-Hi.
Sleep okay?
Uh, no, not really. I
could use another pillow.
-Oh.
-Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
I, Sebastian still has some
frozen milk in the freezer.
Jude?
That's Jude. Seb is five now.
Yes, I know. Jude.
Do you?
Yeah, I do, Jon.
I had a brain toot. What's the
problem?
Why are you in such a bad mood?
Do you need a ride? Somewhere?
Yes, I was going to ask you,
would you be okay if after you
go to work,
I take the car?
It's just, it's my first week on
the job
and I don't think my bike's
gonna cut it.
What happened to Leslie's car?
It's in rough shape at the
moment.
The car? Is in rough shape?
I promise to drive sober.
And I will return her full and
satisfied.
Honored that you offered to
drive sober.
What do we think, today...
Today's tough.
-Shane, I'm sorry. Um.
-Oof.
Let me grab my bag
and I will take you home.
Always great seeing you, Shane.
Ooh. Thirsty?
Don't you have some place to be?
I feel like since your wedding,
she's just been trying to kick
my a*s.
Atlanta City wasn't even my
fault.
Zach hired strippers. Not me.
Where are we?
I need it back by 4:00.
But today's tough.
Today's gonna be a lot tougher
if you don't bring it back by
4:00.
-5:00?
-Shane.
I'm kidding. Jude is five.
sh*t, Sebastian, right?
Call me if you need me.
Okay. Um.
Oh, hey, Jon.
Jon.
Jon.
I just wanna say thank you.
I needed a win today.
And what I need is the car
back by 4:00.
Okay
You look good.
God damn, Jon.
You don't have a f*cking iPod?
Wow. Business Time.
Hey, babe.
I just figured out how
to do audio recordings.
-Oh my God.
- So I thought
I would make you a little note
-to go along with this mix.
-Oh my God.
Some of my favorite jams
that helped us start this
beautiful family of ours.
God, Anna, this is so
embarrassing.
Oh, thank you, God. Thank you,
God.
Oh, blackmail.
Caboose.
- That's tough
spot to be in.
Another one he's missed today.
And he's got a decision on his
hands,
does he try to sh**t onto the
green
does he play it safe and
lay one on the fairway?
It's interesting to
watch seasoned players...
Oh, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.
Yes. Leo.
What is it today?
Fip, fip, fip.
What is that? That noise.
Your shirt, just needs
a quick little fippy, fip.
Why do you work here, Leo?
Oh, I don't know.
To pay my bills.
I used to think the same thing.
Whoa. Thanks, Shane.
If I did not call your
name,
feel free to go home,
or you can hang around.
It's a weekday, so we're
expecting walk-ons.
All right, have a great day.
Best caddies.
Ah, my star caddy.
Phone's been ringing all morning
for you.
Tell him I'm busy, Jordan.
I'm not here to work.
I was joking.
Nobody called dip sh*t,
and tuck in your shirt.
Hey, mama's boy. Come here.
-Come on.
-What, Shane?
Some of us work.
Name, uh, Don Simisomo
mean anything to you?
What is that? Why are
you talking like that?
Talking like what?
Like we're in an episode
of "Law and Order."
Stop that. You're being weird.
Okay. You just answer the
question.
Yes. The big Italian
dude with the g*y son.
We all know him.
Oh, um, just because he's a
little weird
and wears some glitter
doesn't mean you can call him
g*y, dude.
Okay. He told me he was g*y.
You added the weird
part, you woke as*h*le.
Oh, well, hey, hey,
come here, come here.
Hey, hey. Come here.
I'm not done. Let's go.
-I'm--
-Look.
I know that we have the kind of
friendship
that acts like, you know, we
hate each other in public,
but in secret, we're best
friends,
but I'm being serious, okay?
Don ever mention anything
about his brothers to you?
He doesn't have any
brothers, I don't think.
I mean, he was in a fraternity
with Larry and Hollis,
but that's...
Wait a minute.
What?
Yeah?
Are you working for him?
Uh, I mean, just
doing a little research.
-Yeah. Oh my God.
-For him.
Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh, that's perfect.
Oh, you seriously don't know?
Okay. Hey, guys.
How many of you have been asked
to work
for the big Italian dude?
He asks everyone
here to work for him.
And you only say yes if you're a
dumb a*s
or you're completely desperate.
So it's perfect for you,
actually. It's a great fit.
Tell me he is working for him.
Jordan, shut up. It's too
late for you to join in, okay?
Yes, Jordan. Come on.
Join in. It's not too late.
Shut up. Stop laughing.
You should have went
to college. So stupid.
Shane.
Thank you. I needed a win today.
Congrats on the new job.
Woo.
Making more money
than you could dream of.
Yeah, I bet you are.
Dude, that f*cking guy.
-What was it, like $50,000?
-Maybe 100.
I have feelings too.
No credit? No
problem.
Let us find a payment plan
that works for your budget.
The right diamond can change
everything.
Now I'm--
I'm serious.
He's not here, I'm sure.
2:00
Today. Are you serious?
Well, of course I'm
interested.
It's just been a while
since I did something
so ill*gal
Oh, I'm on my way.
Yeah, no. We'll put it
on the cushion card.
Make Donnie boy pay for it.
What are big brothers for?
Okay. Okay.
Rosebud.
Another round, Larry?
Nah, had enough sand for the
day.
-Gets us all, sir.
-Yeah. See you, Leo.
See ya.
Shane, tell Don I said hi, will
ya?
What?
I used to work for him too.
If you play a cards right,
you could end up here.
Huh. Wow.
This place is a bump on the
road, Leo.
I will never end up here.
I used to think the same thing.
-Hmm.
-Hey, you can't do that.
Okay.
Great choice. Theater four.
-Last one on your left.
-Thank you.
Hey, get, get.
And my mom
always told me that these
would k*ll me someday, but
it's a hard habit to break.
Does it matter? Ain't
nobody waiting for me.
Not everyone's cut out
to be a private d*ck.
It comes with a job.
Some men are built for the
simple life,
the picket fence, a dog
to keep your toes warm,
someone waiting for you
at the end of the day.
The glossy pages of a magazine.
I've tried to want that life,
but deep down there's
something in a man like me
that won't sit still.
A naughty bird with a
need to flap his wings
even if it means flying alone.
Cooper's.
Cooper's.
Cooper's.
Still it gets to you,
doesn't it?
The way they laugh together,
like the rest of us don't even
matter.
Makes a man wonder what
he's really chasing.
Crossing the road where
he must make a choice.
Which side of the window
are you gonna be on?
Finally.
You ever see "Wedding Crashers"?
Shane, it's almost
7:00. I have to get home.
This is scene where the main
character
is playing this clapping
game with her boyfriend.
Yeah, it's a Woody Allen thing
from Annie Hall with the
lobsters.
The point of the scene
is not the clapping game.
The game doesn't matter.
It's supposed to represent
something
that's missing in their
relationship.
Yeah, it's called subtext.
Right.
Jon, I'm worried that Leslie
and I lost that subtext.
Shane, relationships
are hard.
They're always gonna be hard.
Want my advice?
Life is short, get married.
Thank you, Jon.
Tell Anna I am sorry and
I will make it up to her,
maybe a custom, sexy CD.
Wow, you're such a d*ck.
I'm gonna burn a copy
of that and listen to it
while I, you know?
-Get out of the car.
-Have a good night, Jon.
Thank you very much.
Your gift arrived.
Uh, didn't know you were home.
My car's in the driveway.
Right.
Uh, you look nice. Fancy.
Had my website redesign
proposal today.
I figured I would look like I
cared.
How'd it go?
It was good.
I mean, it was great,
actually. Um, they approved it.
It feels good to be appreciated.
I bet.
Are you going out?
Yeah, there's a few things.
A few questions I need answered.
You coming back?
If it's unlocked.
It's unlocked.
Then okay.
Okay, then.
Oh, do you want your phone?
Uh, yeah. Toss it.
f*ck.
Got it. Thank you.
Yeah.
Beautiful, isn't it?
The fire?
Yes.
The fire.
My mother never could
resist a little French a*s.
Or any a*s for that matter.
Okay.
You know, I never did get my
photo.
Did you forget to ask your
girlfriend?
She's been... busy.
Fini.
There they go.
Where are they going?
Couldn't say.
The club?
Golf or--
Night.
Have you been?
No. Should I?
Never know what you might
find stuck to the floor.
I'll keep that in mind.
I, uh, should be going.
Before wetting your whistle?
Pardon?
Merci.
You sneak into your
mother's place often?
Only when she has company, so...
Yeah.
May I?
Help yourself.
Does your father know
about your mother's
piece of French caboose?
-Not this one.
-Hmm. Interesting.
What's interesting?
Just a thing I say sometimes.
I thought you meant me.
What's me?
Interesting.
Ooh, interesting.
What is?
You.
Phew.
You know...
I still don't know you're name.
Do you, uh, do you want to?
I haven't decided yet.
Well, when you've decided...
I can tell you.
Needs another coat.
Not everyone agrees.
Am I everyone?
Uh, another coat it is.
I've decided.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Shane.
Shane.
It's a shame, Shane.
What's a shame, Shane?
About your girlfriend.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I should get going.
Hmm. Mmhhmm.
Wait, Shane?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Life's short.
And?
That's it.
Okay.
Happy birthday, Shane. You
as*h*le.
There will come
a time in this bird's life
where he will have to make a
choice.
Reaping the rewards of his
neighbors will not last
forever.
It's time to build a life of
his own.
Sorry, sorry.
Don't worry, Leslie.
The inner desire--
Time to grow up.
Thank you, sir. Have a good day.
Hey, right back at
you, buddy.
Hey, nice helmet.
Hey, right back at ya.
Hey.
Hey.
Yeah, you.
Mind opening up?
Uh. Yeah.
Uh, they must have moved the key
on me.
You work here?
I'm here, aren't I?
What's your name? You got ID?
Um. I own the place.
Don Simisomo?
Don? You're Don Simisomo?
One and only.
Thought you'd be older,
but hey, I'll take what I can
get.
Served and witnessed.
Thanks, Pal. I needed a win
today.
Caboose.
Caboose?
Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa.
Hey. Hey.
Hey, whoa, whoa, buddy,
buddy, buddy. That's my bike.
- Not anymore.
- Oh, whoa, whoa! Ah!
What the f*ck?
-Come on, buddy.
-Ain't your buddy.
I'm interest and I'm a b*tch.
You missed a payment
Diamonds Fix Everything.
So today, it's your bike.
Tomorrow, it's your body.
You have a good day now.
- Sir, sir.
Your name is Interest?
Oh, okay. Okay.
Whoa, okay.
Um.
This is fun. This is funny.
Um. Look, okay.
Seriously, um. the helmet, it
was a gift.
Can you please, can I
just get the helmet back,
that's all I'm--OH
Jon.
Jon!
Shane, you home?
Yeah. I'll be out in a sec.
God, what is that
smell?
Hope you're hungry.
Life is short.
Pretty good, huh?
I don't know what to say.
Oh my goodness.
Well, actions speak louder
than words.
Oh, wow. Lemon chicken.
-Yeah.
-Mm.
-The best.
-Yeah.
Mm.
Lemon chicken.
Wait, oh, is it too much lemon?
No. It's fine.
Oh, f*ck me.
No, it's okay. I'm sure
the rest of it is great.
Think if I add like some
salt it would make it--
No, no, no. It's fine.
-It really is.
-You sure?
It's fine.
I wanted tonight to be special
and I feel like I just
soured it with lemon.
What?
One, this is sweet.
Look, you cooked.
You dressed up.
You look very nice.
You bought me these clothes.
Yeah. I remember.
Leslie,
we've been together for...five
years now.
-Four years.
-What?
Four years we've been together.
Right. Four years.
We've been together for four
years now.
I know that we've had our ups
and downs,
but I want you to know
how much I care about you
and how much I love you.
I know that I'm not always
perfect,
and I'm rough around the edges,
but I promise I'm working on
that.
-Shane.
-Leslie, I love you.
-Shane.
-I want to spend
-the rest of my life with you.
-Oh. Shane.
I'll call your dad tomorrow
first thing.
-Seriously, please-
-Leslie, please, Leslie,
-will you marry me?
-Shane, no.
No?
I mean no...no.
What, what is this?
I thought this is what you
wanted.
I mean, I wanted to talk to
you about it. Decide together.
I didn't want to just come
home one day to dinner
and you've done this. Come on.
I am so confused.
I want a future, Shane.
I need plans. I need stability.
Yes. Stability.
Is that so crazy?
Yeah. Let's see, you
asked me to get a job.
I got a job.
You asked me to get a
ring, so I got you a ring.
And then you asked me
to take care of myself
and I make lemon f*cking
chicken.
I want you to want to make the
chicken.
I want you to think to yourself,
"I'm gonna make a chicken
tonight" on your own accord.
Hey, don't use that fancy
subtext chicken sh*t on me.
I know that that's not
talking about the chicken.
We are talking about the
chicken.
That's the whole f*cking point.
Can you please turn this music
off?
I can't hear myself think.
You always play this. Everyone
hates it.
-Oh, everyone?
-Yes.
Everyone is against you on
this one.
Sure. Yeah, yeah.
You want me to turn down the
music?
-Yes.
-Okay.
-Please.
-Yeah, no worries.
No worries. How's this?
Oh.
You know what, Leslie?
Are you f*cking serious?
-You know, maybe, actually-
-Shane.
I think I listen to
this music
because it means something to
me.
-Shane, turn it off.
-Yeah.
And maybe just maybe,
just maybe if once in a while
you would actually listen
then maybe you would actually
hear me
and realize that I don't want
to wear your f*cking clothes.
I thought you liked my f*cking
clothes.
I lied. I f*cking hate these
clothes.
Okay.
You know this part. Come on.
You look like a f*cking idiot.
Shane!
You know what, you might as well
see
what you're signing up for, you
know?
You can't marry parts of me.
Gotta marry the whole package,
baby.
Yeah!!!
Oh, you know it!
Oh yeah, oh! Hold on, Leslie.
Don't go anywhere.
Oh yeah, this is how you want
to end it?
Oh!
This is it?
Okay, fine. I hate you.
Great.
Me or my music?
Hey, that's my chicken!
ow!
-Back the f*ck up!
-f*ck.
There's more where
that came from, Shane.
-Ow! Jesus Christ.
-Get away from me.
Ow! Okay.
-It's slimy.
-Oh.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no.
Oh, yeah? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I sour your evening?
No, actually, you soured your
evening.
Just like you soured the
past four years of my life.
-Five!
-Four!
Ow.
What the f*ck?
How dare you lead that
Frenchman to my house?
Shane, run.
Followed me to my home. He
attacked me.
Who?
Caboose! You idiot!
He was looking for you.
He was looking for you!
Stalking me, stalking my
children.
f*ck!
I don't want you ever,
ever coming near me
or my family ever again.
Is that understood?
Is that understood?!
Understood.
Shane, I'm sorry about all that.
-Are you?
-No.
I'll leave the rest out back
tomorrow.
Good luck finding your own
apartment
and paying your own rent.
Oh, but you pay utilities.
That's not nothing.
Oh.
I should have used less lemon.
I used too much lemon.
Excuse me.
Ah. Sorry.
All yours.
Thank you.
Louis, right?
You know, she said you were
good.
Did you, uh, you follow me here?
No.
No, no, no.
Madame Simisomo she has, uh,
moved on.
You know, you spend your life
searching
for meaning, purpose.
And then...
poof.
A pregnant woman beats
it out of you.
C'est la vie. Huh?
She's beautiful. You know?
Your wife, Natalie.
Aye. She is.
She deserves better.
She loves you.
She told me. Sort of.
She's hard to understand.
She loves the idea of me.
Like Annie Hall.
Like Amelie.
Au revoir, Shane.
Over and out, Louis.
Well?
What am I looking at?
Louis. He's married to Natalie.
Yes. I see the photo of Louis.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
What is this?
Ah, that.
Also, Louis.
Let me get this straight.
You are telling me that my wife,
Sheila,
is sleeping with my
housekeeper's husband, Louis?
Correct.
Based on the blurry photo of
an a*s.
He is French, sir.
No, this is a waste of my time.
Cool those jets, Don. There's
more.
-I got the good stuff.
-Okay, great.
I'm ready.
Do you have the rest of the
money?
Yeah.
Good. You're gonna need it.
I don't understand.
You will.
Where do I begin?
When we first met, I
sensed a bit of tension
between you and Joey.
-You're, Don?
-I am.
At first, I thought nothing of
it.
But then, piece by piece,
everything started to make
sense.
Glitter on Joey's cheek.
Do you have a pen?
Glitter pen. Nice.
Keep it. I've got a pack.
He sure does.
It was from a nightclub.
Joey was breaking curfew
and sneaking out to the one
place he knew you were
avoiding.
Butch Cushions and the
Moon-Dance Club.
This time, he wasn't alone.
Two sweaty, hot men
dancing their cushions off.
Seems these two are real--
Stop. Stop.
Stop.
Just because I'm out
doesn't mean I'm out to
my dad, you woke a*s.
It seems these two are what?
Uh, just really, really good
friends.
Oh. Okay.
Anyway, your brothers, not blood
brothers,
just d*uche bag fraternity
brothers saw an opportunity.
So, Larry turned to Hollis and
whispered.
Does, um, Don know Joey's out?
-Like, out and about.
-Isn't he breaking curfew?
Let's find out.
-Come.
-Ha, ha.
Their winning hand
just danced into their laps.
Not literally, just a
thing I say sometimes.
You're up, Joey.
-I'm not feeling this hole.
-What?
What I realized was the
tension
wasn't between you and Joey,
but between Joey and your
brothers.
Hey, moron.
-Hey, f*ck are you doing?
-What?
Go to the mall,
get me a f*cking phone,
and I'm not asking.
Jesus f*cking Christ.
Do you want me to send
you back to your mother's?
Yeah, good luck bringing
girls back to that sh*t h*le.
Fine. Whatever.
Joey didn't
go to the mall. Did he?
He went to your office, printed
out your bank statements,
and stuffed them in an envelope
intended for one person
and one person only.
God herself.
Sheila.
The final piece of Sheila's
puzzle
delivered to her bedroom post.
Evidence that her husband
was embezzling money.
She got the proof she
needed to take action.
So, Sheila took action.
Served and witnessed.
Turns out Sheila comes
from quite a bit of money.
-Mmm.
-French royalty of some kind.
Which, I'm sure you already
know.
Having made you sign a
prenuptial agreement.
You asked me to rip open
Sheila's closet, so I did.
It's full of infidelity
and cheap French whiskey.
It's disgusting, actually.
Which could have helped your
case
if your closet wasn't full of
fraudulent bank statements.
Since it was safe to
assume you could afford
to pay the rest of the money,
I made a deal on my own.
My cooperation in Sheila's case
in exchange for her paying
off my diamond ring.
Interest is knocking on my
door and, uh, he's a b*tch.
Also, he stole my bike.
But on the bright side,
Sheila did say that you're
getting smart in your old age.
-Did she?
-Yeah.
-So, that's not nothing.
-No, it's not.
Who knew...
a little bit of glitter
could shed light on so much.
Natalie.
Can you get Shane a towel on his
way out?
Towel?
Ow.
My cigar. It's from Cubano!
How was the pool?
Warm.
What did he want?
To talk.
With you?
Talk?
Yeah.
We talked.
And are you two... finished
talking?
No, I, uh, I think we're
just getting started.
I, uh, I have something for you.
It's, uh, from my ex.
See you around?
Sure hope so.
Me too.
Mr. Shane!
Mr. Shane!
Mrs. Natalie?
Did you have any luck?
Finding your husband, Louis?
Ou i. Yes.
I'm not one to break hearts,
Natalie.
But he's an idiot.
He doesn't deserve you.
Sometimes, people make mistakes
and they don't know what
they got till it's gone.
I think that's a song.
Okay.
But...
life is short.
I'll see what I can do.
- Merci beaucoup.
-Yeah.
I'll toot you later, Natalie.
tout l'heure, Shane
Au Revoir!
Jersey's finest.
If I called your name,
head off to your carts
to meet your golfers.
If I didn't call your name,
well, just f*ck yourself.
Pardon my French.
Well, Shane, if you weren't
making all that money,
I'd be really worried.
There's more to life
than making money, Rollie.
Yeah.
You'll never know. Hm.
Hey, uh, Jordan, wait up.
What, Shane? Why are you here?
I just want to let you know
I, I, I took your advice.
Yeah? What's that?
It's, uh, it's just a mock up
right now,
but I'm saving up to get
them done professionally.
Like you said, every day that
I'm here,
I'm one step closer to achieving
my goal.
Of being a d*ck?
It's slang for a detective.
You said pick unrealistic goals.
d*ck, detective.
Yep.
All, all right, Shane.
All right.
I might have something for you.
Yes. Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, you can thank me after.
God.
Wait. What am I doing?
You'll see.
Welcome.
Someone played their cards
right.
Yeah, like, looking in the
mirror.
It sure is.
I will, uh, just drop my things
and fip, fip, fip my shirt.
All riiiight.
Hurry, hurry. Early bird gets
the worm.
Even deeper
in the garden state,
a cunning opportunist stumbles
upon a fork in the road
until...
a worm dangles on a string.
Instinct runs deep in the
animal kingdom,
and habits are hard to break.
Try as they might to blend
in or follow the rules,
the inner desire for a shortcut
will always shine through.
No matter how hard they try,
one thing never changes.
Once a mooch, always a--
Welcome to Nashville.
We did it. We're here.
There's a dude, Aaron Gillespie.
Uh, he's in the band
Underoath and The Almost.
Basically, I kind of vomited
on myself at the concert.
So I shot him a message.
Hey, man.
Rando message, but I was
the dude who threw up
at the show last night,
want to say sick show.
If you ever need someone
to do backup vocals
or a duet, hit me up.
So that's what I did.
Moved to Nashville, baby.
Let's go meet Aaron, dude.
What is up, dude?
-How's it going?
-Shane.
Let's just, you can use the
bathroom.
-Okay.
-All right, you know,
I'm working, like I said.
-Yeah.
-So, let's work.
-Okay.
-Come on in.
-Bathroom's just here.
-Yeah.
I'm gonna take a shower.
Yeah, just, you, you don't
need to talk
to me through the bathroom door.
Yeah, yeah, no worries.
-Okay.
-You're, you're good.
-Oh, dude. Sick.
-I--
-Gotta feed myself.
-Oh.
Just, uh...
Oh, nice, dude.
What key is this, C?
Oh, dude, this guitar
is missing in the back.
-Hey, buddy.
-Yeah.
-Hey, buddy.
-Sorry.
Careful, man.
It's like a, it's like my main,
-my main game--
- That's your main squeeze?
Yeah, my main squeeze.
Let me work on one of your
side chicks.
And it's a C or a G.
Depends if there's a--
I thought you were a
drummer.
I've been slamming the guitar
lately.
I mean, dude, feel my fingers.
Calluses on the tips.
I don't need to feel the
calluses on your fingers.
-We're good.
-Okay.
You get, you don't need to...
Don't touch those, please.
I won't. Yeah, yeah.
Why is it gold?
Oh, it says it!
-500,000? That's pretty good.
- Yeah, sure.
We could do better.
Like, what do you want to do?
I want to make music.
I want to, I want
Nashville to be Smashville.
Did you bring, like, a
composition, a song, like...
You playing the guitar too?
That's music, you and me.
Team, when did you make this
demo?
A few weeks ago. Gotta get
it mixed and mastered though.
-Just listen, dude.
-I can scream too.
Ah.
Where's Stephen? He's not here.
Again, I have 15 or 20 minutes
and now we've just wasted them.
Let me lay down one track.
We have been past five
minutes.
All I need is two.
Give me two minutes on the mic.
Can I remove this black thing?
-No, don't remove anything.
-Okay.
-Put the headphones on.
-Yeah.
Give them to me.
Put them on.
-Eyeliner.
-Eyeliner.
I wanna push...
Oh.
Holy sh*t. Hold on a second.
I'm literally doing this.
I'm literally filming
with Aaron Gillespie.
-Here we go.
-Yep.
Dude, uh, there's a
ticking in my headphones.
I know. It's
called a clip track, bud.
Click track?
Is that gonna be there when I
actually start sing the song?
Yeah. Here it comes.
-Wait, wait.
-Here it is.
I, I still hear it.
-Can you hear yourself okay?
-Uh-huh.
Okay.
I'm so naughty.
Yeah.
I can hit up top!
Yeah, get up there.
It's a little country.
Usually when you're singing,
you don't,
you don't need to talk in
between.
-Oh, okay.
-Here's,
here's the second verse.
Okay, but did you like what I--
Just sing.
Do a, oh.
It's a little quiet.
Here's the chorus branch.
Oh, f*ck yeah!
Do I need like an accent or
anything?
You can do
whatever you want.
Okay.
I can do a pretty good British
c*ck.
Mm.
Last chorus, here we go.
Let's do it, friend.
Do you feel--
Vibrato.
Did you feel like you
got what you needed?
Uh. I hear someone's phone
ringing.
It's fine.
You feel like you got
what you wanted there?
Um. I mean, I can go for
another if you-
So do you want this
like just emailed to you
or how do you, how do you want
it?
I mean, can you Spotify it?
You may do it.
Thanks for
watching Shane's movie.
Yeah. Nailed it.
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Mooch (2025)
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