03x31 - The System

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray,
and as Bub, William Frawley.

Well, don't just stand there, answer it.

I can't.

Why not?

Well, it's probably for me.

Well, I'm glad I asked.

Now, wait a minute, Bub.

Just tell her I stepped out for a minute.

I'm not going to lie for you or anybody else.

But you have to.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Just wait right there.

Look.

Now you won't be lying.

You know what you're going to turn out to be, Albert?

A disbarred lawyer.

Last year, Pollywogs.

This year, Cub Scopknots.

Hello?

If it sounds like I'm bent over, it's because I am.

Robbie?

He just stepped out.

Take the message, Bub.

Can I take a message?

All right, I'll tell him.

Goodbye.

Who was it?

It was a girl with a voice like a chicken.

Sounded like Wallaby.

Oh, yeah, Sir Wall-E.

A bug?

Forget it, Jasper.

Chip, answer the phone, Chip, and tell her
I'm not in and take a message.

I can't, I'm counting loose.

Chip, a Cub Scout is always helpful.

Yeah, and a Cub Scout's always truthful.

Mike, come here, come here.

Look, answer the phone for me.

I can't talk to any girl until I find out
who I was going to ask me.

What?

Please, just tell him you don't know where
I am and take the message.

Okay, okay.

Hello?

Uh, Robbie?

No, he isn't.

He was here just a minute ago.

Uh, yeah.

Okay, okay, I'll tell him.

Linda Stevens.

Boy, she's a real steamer.

Hey, uh, what is all this about?

Oh, well, there's going to be a Sadie Hawkins day dance.

You know, the girls have to ask them, boys.

And all these girls ask you?

Yep.

Uh, there'll be more.

Of course, some others would like to ask,
but, uh, you know, they just figure it's hopeless.

Oh, well, it's nice you're so humble about it.

How are you going to pick the lucky girl?

I don't know.

I'm going to have to start working on that.

Say, you know, it'd sure be a shame to end
up with the wrong girl.

Yeah.

You, uh, you ought to try a, well, a scientific approach.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll take the one with the best shape.

Fine.

You're early.

Well, I caught a couple of green lights for a change.

Good.

Dinner's late.

I've been teaching Chip how to tie a bowline.

Oh, he's still on the knots, huh?

Yep.

Have a good dinner.

Hmm?

And mulligan stew.

Do you mind?

Not at all.

Thank you.

Help yourself.

Mike, come on, just once more.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Well, I'll fix it so you won't have to lie.

Hey, why don't one of you pick up the phone?

I'll be careful in there or they'll enlist
you in the lying department.

Hello?

Just a minute, I'll call.

Robbie!

Robbie?

Robbie!

I'm sorry, he doesn't answer.

Well, sure, I'll tell him.

All right, bye-bye.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Rob, it's just a matter of idle curiosity,
but why didn't you answer?

Well, I was making it easier for Mike to lie.

He has scruples.

Oh.

I said I didn't answer, and he didn't answer.

Well, I suppose you might say that's the
truth, technically.

Did anybody bring in the evening paper?

Well, Chip had a here while ago, Dad.

In that case, I may never find out what is
going on in the world today.

Audrey Kent.

Well, of all the long, thin, creepy females.

Boy.

Things must be pretty tough over at Robbie's high school.

There are eight girls over there with absolutely no taste.

They're actually competing with each other
for the right to take Joe Humble here to a dance.

Well.

Who are you taking, Rob?

Well, Madeline Bullcroft is out because she uses some
kind of goofy soap that makes her smell like kerosene.

And Audrey Kim must be about nine feet
tall, so who needs her?

That leaves six in contention.

That's what he calls a scientific approach.

Well, Chip must have taken that paper.

Here's the paper, Dad.

Hmm?

Oh, thanks, Rob.

Did Chip tie that up like that?

Yeah, he's bucking for Cub Scout points and
not... Well, the Cub Scouts are a great organization.

Rob, uh, I've been thinking.

No, I guess not.

It'd be criminal to waste an opportunity
like this on a kid.

Listen, don't try any of that scientific
approach stuff with me.

I'm no Guinea pig.

Dad, we've been studying this new system in psychology.

In fact, I have to write a term paper on
the use of indirect questioning.

Of course, not that Robbie could understand it.

It'd be like explaining relativity to tr*mp.

Do either of you fellas have a knife?

No, Dad.

I wouldn't understand one, Mike.

I, uh, I don't think I do, Dad.

Well, what wouldn't I understand?

Oh, uh, the system's a little complicated.

I don't know about you, but, uh, it sure works.

Well, what kind is this?

Oh, you don't want to know.

Oh, you don't have any system.

Yeah, well, that's right.

Chip?

Yeah, Dad?

Oh, there's my string.

Yes, and that's quite a notch you put in there.

It's a rolling itch.

Oh.

It's a bit.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Look, Rob, if I tell you my system,
will you leave me alone?

Well, yeah, sure.

Okay.

We got eight girls, right?

I've got eight girls.

All right, you've got eight girls.

First, I'd make up a list of all the
character traits the ideal date would

have, like sense of humor, consideration, stuff like that.

Then I'd make up a questionnaire to rate
the girls on each one of the traits.

Highest score, best date.

You mean I'm supposed to give them a test?

I can just see that.

Melinda, are you considerate, and do you
have a good sense of humor?

Listen, Rob, in the first place,
you wouldn't give them the test.

I would.

In the second place, the girls wouldn't
have any idea what they're being tested on.

I'd use a technique called indirect questioning.

That's the system.

Well, how come you're so interested all of a sudden?

Because you need a really first-class girl.

And because I can use a subject for my
psychology term paper.

Well, uh, how do you know this is
a... Incorrect questioning will work.

Indirect questioning.

Indirect.

Because I've seen it work.

Look, Rob, you'll find out things about
these girls they don't even know themselves.

Well, uh, maybe.

Great.

I'll drop the questionnaires right now.

Then in the morning, I'll drop a copy off
at each subject's house.

Then after school, I can go pick them up.

What's the matter?

All of those subjects will be waiting for
me at school tomorrow.

Well, can't you dodge them for one more day?

Well, boy, how am I supposed to dodge a
wolf pack, a Roman female?

Uh, not this morning.

Hey, did you do that composition on about how
you'd change your parents if you got the chance?

Oh, yes, I did.

Did you?

Yeah, I sure did.

I can't find it.

If I left it at home and my mother finds
it, she'll k*ll me.

Well, listen, if you see Robbie,
tell him I'm on the prowl for him.

She's not contagious anymore, Mike.

But the doctor said she shouldn't talk too much.

All right, fine.

Thank you.

You sure you don't mind answering a few questions, Mike?

I hope it'll help you, Mike.

Good.

Well, I'll probably be doing most of the talking anyway.

Mother said it was something psychological.

Yes.

Well, I'm conducting a little survey on
typical teenage attitudes.

Most teenagers are so superficial, don't you think?

Well, I... You don't resent a girl
who thinks for herself, do you?

You better not talk to me.

A lot of boys resent girls who think for themselves.

I feel it's symptomatic of their basic
insecurity, don't you?

Now, these questions may seem foolish at
times, but what I'm looking for is a basic pattern.

Yes, we all are.

Robbie?

Oh, you're not Robbie.

No, I'm Hank.

Robbie's good looking, too, only different.

But I... I was looking for Robbie, and I
knew his locker was along here somewhere.

Oh, hi, Robbie.

Hi.

Hey, listen, how come all the chicks are looking for you?

I don't know.

Chemistry, I guess.

Well, how come you're trying to avoid them?

Well, it's my contribution to science.

See you later.

Now, in this first group of questions,
you'll have three choices.

Don't think too much.

I'd rather hear what comes into your mind first.

You're impulsive, aren't you?

A man who isn't afraid to act.

Now, here we go.

Your first question is, would you rather
bake a cake, fly a plane, or read a book?

You're thinking.

Oh, I can be very domestic.

But I'm also adventurous.

And I have my intellectual side.

Have you ever wondered why women are
attracted to older men?

Men in their 20s?

Boys my age are just boys.

But then again, I think all men are boys.

Don't you?

What.

Are you doing in this closet?

I'm waiting for my lunch.

How are you going to get lunch in here?

You're going to bring it to me from the cafeteria.

You mean you want to get lunch in this closet?

I have to.

Now, be careful when you're going out and
don't let anybody see you come in there.

Well, can you at least tell me what you're
running away from?

Eight girls.

Eight girls?

Yeah.

Boy, if this is science, give me the old hit or miss.

Elaine, you're going to... Do you think it's wrong for
a girl in her teens to date a boy who's so much older?

But your mother's... And if a girl's attracted
to a boy, why shouldn't she date a boy?

Why don't you take the initiative?

Or do you think there's a real basis for
the old double standard?

And if you do, how can you reconcile that position
with all the talk about emancipated women and equality?

How?

How?

Uh, Hugo's going to be here long?

Mm-hmm, till the bell rings.

Have you seen Robbie?

Uh, not for a while.

Oh, my, that cupcake looks good.

We didn't have a chance to get lunch yet.

You want this?

Oh, we don't want to take your lunch away from you, Hank.

Well, it's not mine exactly.

There's no way for me to get it to the
person who bought it.

Well, it's just going to go to waste.

Hi, Sally.

Oh, hi, Janie.

What's new?

Oh, you're going to take the Sadie Hawkins bash?

Hank Ferguson.

I called Robbie Douglas first, but I couldn't reach him.

I called Robbie, too.

For what?

To get Johnny Dunning's new phone number.

That's funny.

Linda Stevens called Robbie to get Clark
Dunning's new phone number.

Jeffrey's number.

I'll bet he thinks all the girls are
calling to ask him for a date.

Oh, that's hysterical.

Bill.

Don't know why he couldn't have come home for dinner.

Because I haven't finished analyzing the data I compiled.

But couldn't he have waited here just as
well as down at the library?

No, Dad.

Bub promised Audrey Kent that he'd have
Robbie call her as soon as he stepped into the house.

So I couldn't let him step into the house.

So you have all the fun of the experiment,
and Robbie does the suffering, huh?

Oh, no.

I'm using myself as a Guinea pig, too.

Oh?

Well, yeah.

One of the guys in my class is doing a survey for me.

So I'm going out Friday night with whoever
he comes up with.

Turn down the volume.

Everybody's mumbling on that program.

That isn't the TV, Bub.

That's us.

Oh, wow.

That speaks up.

Thanks a lot, Big Brain.

You really clobbered me good.

Now just take it easy.

What's the matter?

He talked me into using his system.

Now, wait a minute.

You talked me into it.

Well, yeah, but you talked me into talking you into it.

Boy, three of the girls on my list already got other dates.

Rob, if you'll wait just a minute,
I'll have your answer for you.

Well, I wouldn't let you pick out a date for tr*mp.

I'm going to go call Elaine before I lose her.

Well, Mike, it looks like there's one
scientific element you've overlooked.

What's that?

The girl's mother's.

The mother of any eligible girl remembers only too
well what she went through when she was in school.

And she's not going to let any boy keep
her daughter dangling.

Well, Rob seems to be so popular, I figured the
girls wouldn't mind waiting an extra day to land him.

And Sarah Wally?

And Marshal Lou Gruggenheim?

Yeah, thanks, bye.

Elaine says her and two others on my list
already got dates.

She and two others.

Yeah, my strength's six out of eight.

Elaine wanted to go with me, but her
mother met Richard Toomey's mother,

went to the market and honked everything up.

Boy, if I'd only called yesterday.

In other words, Richard's going with Elaine, huh?

Who does that leave?

Boy, this is like trying to sleep in a
tree full of magpies.

It's Audrey Kent and Madeline Bocro.

Madeline Bocro, she's the one that smells like kerosene.

I'll lend you some shaving lotion.

You can sprinkle her.

Well, your troubles are over.

I've got your answer for you.

Mike, just as a matter of academic interest,
who does your scientific computer indicate?

Audrey Kent.

See, according to indirect questions... Audrey Kent.

I wouldn't take her to a rabbit roundup.

Yeah, I'll tell you, I can't, Rob.

Look, just science a chance.

Maybe Mike was right.

Maybe Audrey will turn out to be real neat.

I'm going to ask her in the interest of science, all right?

She's the only one left.

Even Bullcroft got a date.

Hi, Audrey.

Oh, oh, hi, Robbie.

Look, Audrey, about the dance Friday night.

Oh, that's all right.

I really didn't expect... Thanks.

Would 7.30 be okay?

Hank has to pick up his date first.



Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

I guess I'll be late.

I'm not going to dance.

I'll be right on time.



Boy, are you sure Mike asked the right question?

She looks like a tall Benjamin Franklin.

You made our reservations?

Absolutely.

The head waiter has an old friend of
Daddy's and he always gets us a good table.

But don't you think Philips is a little bit extreme?

I mean, you're supposed to... Well, that is...
I thought you were a girl with simple tastes.

Oh, whatever gave you that idea?

Oh, no.

Is that yours?

Yeah.

The motor's in great shape.

Well, it's obvious we can't go to Philips in that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I guess we'll just have
to... We'll just skip Philips.

Oh, no.

We'll just park it a few blocks away and take a taxi.

Here we are.

We're tonight on line.

You off?

Don't keep the poor girl waiting.

Hey,

I did test cherries, do you believe?

Those poor chefs work so hard, and I know
how they love to make those elaborate desserts.

That's the only reason I ordered it.

Oh, well, that was very thoughtful of you.

Father.

Taking me to the door.

Oh, it's no bother.

No, please.

It would just lead to silly romantic ideas.

You'd want to kiss me goodnight and just
be embarrassing for us both.

So let's just shake hands here.

Well, it's been a delightful evening.

I.

Thought I was still twisting with you.

Well, I had to sit down because I was getting a cramp.

Oh, Robbie, I had a wonderful time.

Me too.

Thank you.

Look, up in the sky.

It's a bird.

It's a plane.

It's not Superman.

It's My Favorite Martian.

Stay tuned for two episodes of My Favorite
Martian during this twice as nice morning on TV Land.

Stay tuned for two episodes of My Favorite
Martian during this twice as nice morning on TV Land.