04x13 - Par for the Course

[bunniefuu]

I've been watching you out there.

Not bad.

Thanks.

Looks like you're k*lling rattlesnakes,
but it takes off pretty good.

I've never had a lesson or anything.

I believe it.

I wish my kid would get interested.

My dad really goes in for golf.

That's why I'm practicing.

Look, kiddo, let me show you something.

Come over here for a minute.

Try bringing your left hand over a little more.

You're holding it like a baseball bat.

Now get your right hand on.

Now bring the left hand over more.

That's it.

Another thing.

When you bring the club back, be sure you
keep the elbow inside, the right elbow in

there, so when you swing later,
you throw the club head out.

And another thing, be sure the left shoulder
is kept under the chin on the backswing.

That's it.

Now you see, you look lousy.

Now let that be a lesson to you.

Anybody gives you golf advice, don't listen.

My name's Cooper, d*ck Cooper.

Hi, Mr. Cooper.

I'm Rob Douglas.

Steve Douglas' boy?

Yeah.

Your old man's pretty sharp on the links.

You play with him much?

No, I've just been fooling around with the
game for a couple of weeks.

Now, I thought I just might surprise him.

Surprise him?

You'll floor him.

Well, you know, I saw that poster down at the pro
shop about the father and son golf tournament next week.

I thought I might... Sign up.

You think I'd be good enough?

Just sign up.

Your dad'll be proud of you.

Boy, that'll sure be a switch.

In the doghouse, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

What are you flunking?

Telephone messages.

Come again?

I don't know.

I must have a mental block or something.

Every time someone calls Dad, I write it down.

Then I either forget to tell him or I
can't find where I wrote it.

I imagine Dad's about ready to trade me in.

Son, quit worrying.

When your dad sees how you walloped that golf
ball, he won't care if you ever pick up a telephone again.

You really think so?

Listen, I wouldn't care if my kid forgot his own name.

If he'd only get interested enough to play
in that father-son tournament with me.

Well, heck, Mr. Cooper, that's all right.

He'll get interested sooner or later.

How old is he?

Four and a half.

And Rob, I don't know.

Seventeen and a half years old, and he
can't remember to deliver a telephone message.

What do I have to do to convince him?

Who founded the colony of Georgia, and when?

What's that got to do with... Oh.

Alexander Graham Bell?

Alexander Graham Bell?

Oh, I guess I got mixed up on account of Dad
was talking about robbing the telephone messages.

That's great.

And I suppose James Oglethorpe invented the Morse code.

He did?

Come here.

Read this.

But I read it already.

Take it and study it again and again.

You know what's happened three times this week?

And important messages.

He writes the message out of a piece of paper, and
then he says he forgets what he did with a piece of paper.

Hey, Bob, you had it all wrong.

James Oglethorpe didn't invent the Morse code.

He wrote, he's the guy who found the Georgia.

No kidding.

Now, I got this recipe from an old
vaudeville buddy of mine.

You just take cheese and bread and wrap it in tinfoil
and iron it, and you've got grilled cheese sandwiches.

How about that?

What do you know?

Now, put these away and pour some soup.

Out of the vacuum cleaner, no doubt.

You know what, Dad?

I'm going to flunk this social studies test.

Well, that's a nice idea.

That's a nice negative attitude, Chip.

I suggest you think positively.

Okay.

I'm positively going to flunk this social studies test.

Now, Chip.

Hey, Dad, guess what?

Well, if it's another telephone message,
I'd rather not have to guess.

I was just... Oh, my gosh.

Mr. Harris called.

I know that.

I found it out when he called again.

Oh, Dad, I wrote it down.

Well, I'm very disappointed in you.

Well, I don't blame you, Dad.

If I hadn't... What are you doing with the golf clubs?

Well, you know, this is your old set from the attic.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I started practicing and playing a little with the guys.

Well, how are you doing?

Well, I'm not... I'm not forgetting
about the telephone message.

Oh, no.

How are you doing?

That's what I've been wanting to tell you, Dad.

This guy at the golf club said I ought to, so I did.

But if you don't want to, I can unsign you.

Now, wait a minute.

You've been what?

Dad, I signed up to play in this
father-son golf tournament next weekend.

With me?

Well, you're the only father I've got who plays golf.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Well, that's great, Rob.

I didn't even know you were interested.

Well, I always heard you talk about it, you know.

Okay, you guys, come and get it.

Okay, Bob.

Robbie, wash your hands.

All right, Bub.

Hey, Bub, do you know California joined
the union when a woman was president?

A woman was president?

Probably Alexander Graham Bell's sister.

Chip, for your information, the United
States has never had a woman president.

That's all you know.

It says it right here.

California joined the union during the
term of Mildred Fillmore.

Mildred?

That's Millard Fillmore.

That's Millard Fillmore.

Boy, flunking social studies is gonna be easy.

Chip, that's all the talk I want to hear about flunking.

Damn!

No buts now.

You've been doing very well in social
studies and I expect you to keep it up.

Boy, Indians and explorers were interesting.

But this clunky stuff about the colonies... Well,
clunky or not, Chip, there's no excuse for failing.

Well, come on, partner.

What do you say after dinner we go down to
the driving range and hit a couple of buckets?

And after that, can we hit some ba*ls?

It was like a day.

It was a different world.

Last week, it was one big doghouse.

I recognize that melody.

It was Miseryville.

I mean, I couldn't do a thing right.

Every time I'd come through that door,
wham, down came the boom.

That's when I got this brainstorm about golf.

I was right back in the family.

Partners.

Partners?

Yeah, the father-son golf tournament.

Golf?

With your father?

What else do you expect of a father-son golf tournament?

He stripped his gears.

He's cracked the whole block.

What are you talking about?

Have you ever played golf with your father?

Yeah, last night.

He said my swing wasn't very good outside
in, but my form's pretty good.

Yeah, but have you ever played in a
tournament with your father?

No.

Well, I have.

Partners, in a tennis tournament.

We got into the semifinals, and I flubbed it.

He went and talked to me for a week.

Well, I don't think my dad...
Did I ever tell you about the night

I went bowling on Dad's team and
threw a gutter ball on a sparrow?

Team up with your father, and you win or else.

They can't stand to lose.

Oh, come on, Gil.

All right, look.

Your father's a pretty good golfer, right?

Yeah.

And he takes the game seriously, doesn't he?

Yeah.

Well, afterwards, does he talk about how I should have
used a different club and not miss this putt and stuff, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, brother, you're in trouble.

First off, your dad will start giving you
pointers, being real helpful.

Sure.

And if that doesn't throw your game off, nothing will.

And then he'll start the bit about how
proud he is of you and how it doesn't

matter if you lose because it's only a game.

Yeah, that's right.

Sure.

Like it doesn't matter to Washington at Valley Forge?

Rob, don't play golf with your father.

Don't play tic-tac-toe with him.

Don't play nothing with him.

Oh, come on, you guys.

Okay, forget it.

You make me laugh.

Okay, so laugh.

You guys, my dad's not gung-h*.

He's reasonable and sensible and fair.

Sure, and they all are.

As long as you win.

Okay, partner, let's get to work.

Chip, I thought I told you to stay inside
and study for that test.

Dad, I've been thinking.

Well, good for you.

All right, Rob, let's get the club to the top again.

Well, I mean, nobody's perfect.

Shift your weight a little to the right.

Not too much.

And if I passed every social studies test,
that'd be perfect.

Since nobody's perfect.

Inside, Chip.

Dad, I've been thinking.

Rob, I want you to keep that left arm straight.

Attaboy.

Since you're so good at golf and
everything, I... Rob, I'm not so good.

I work hard at it.

Just remember, the more effort you put
into it, the better you're going to be.

Well, yeah, so about the tournament, I thought maybe
we could... Chip could take a lesson from you, you know.

At least you apply yourself.

But, Dad... You know, I find myself bragging about
my number two son in a very modest way, of course.

Well, I was just... What Chip doesn't realize is
that, well, not trying is the worst kind of failure.

It's the same as... Well, it's the same as quitting.

Now, get the club back up the top again, Rob.

But, Dad, I...

Well, now... Now, suppose that you think... Maybe
you won't be good at something you're trying, and...

And people will be disappointed.

Well, I think they'd be more disappointed
in somebody who didn't try, don't you?

Is something bothering you, Rob?

Uh, no.

No, Dad.

Uh, left arm straight.

Uh, wide over.

Yeah, that's... that's fine, Rob.

Fine.

Put more upright here.

Get the elbows together.

Don't... don't drop the club.

You know something, partner?

We're gonna win this tournament.

What do you think we ought to do with the trophy?

Put it on the mantel?

Yeah, that's a pretty good place.

So you're going ahead anyhow, huh?

Look, if you came over to give
me a hard time... Oh, no, Rob, no.

Huh, I came by to give you moral support.

You're gonna need a friend when this is all over.

Yeah, well, Dad just went up to check on the handicaps.

We're up next.

Boy, are you asking for it.

Well, thanks for the moral support, friend.

Look, Rob, you just don't seem to understand.

Oh, I understand all right.

I understand that if I back out now,
Dad'll call me a quitter.

And he just doesn't happen to like quitters.

Yeah, but if you blow it.

So I won't blow it, that's all.

I hear your dad's quite a golfer.

Yeah.

You must be pretty good yourself, Robbie.

Hey, you're gonna be happy.

You're gonna be happy with that one.

That's down the middle.

Come on, knock one out there, Rob.

Dad, does that count?

No, Rob, put it back in the tee and hit it out there.

Look at that, will ya?

Okay, Rob.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's go.

Let's go.

Beautiful.

Dad, that was another nice shot.

Oh, thanks, Rob.

The more of them, the better, huh?

We want to win this, don't we?

Well, it doesn't matter that much to me.

Doesn't matter?

Come on, boy, we're in this for blood.

Yeah.

Rob, we got a little gallery for the finish, huh?

I guess they heard about a couple of
Douglases burning up the course.

Hey, Rob, that's a great shot nine feet from the pin.

Yeah, how about my apartment?

Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas.

I think we're playing with a couple of probes.

No kidding.

What are you to here?

Well, Gil, if I get a par here, I'll have a


That'll give us a total of 188.

With how many strokes handicapped?

Well, we get 42 shots.

Rob's kind of starting this game, you know.

So that'll make 146.

That'll do it.

It will?

It'll do what?

Well, the best score so far is 146.



And there are only three more foursomes behind you.

And the guys up there, they all said they're duffers.

So if you can get in on five, and your dad
gets in on par, well, you'll win the trophy.

We will?

Well, it'll look pretty good on the mantel, huh, Rob?

Well, Dad, I've hit it three times already.

That's right.

You lie three, I lie two here.

Now, if we both get down in two,
we're probably doing ourselves a cup.

I gotta hand it to you, Rob.

I didn't think you could do it.

I haven't done it yet.

Now, let's see what we've got here, Rob.

Brake's pretty sharp right at the cup.

Now, play it out about a foot on the left.

It's a little uphill.

Don't try to knock it in.

Just get it up close and get down in two.

You want the flag out?

Yeah, I guess so.

Take it out, d*ck, huh?

Robbie, go ahead and putt it out.

Now, wait a minute, Rob.

Wait a minute now, wait a minute.

It's a play just outside the left edge.

Take your time.

All mothers are reasonable and fair, as long as you win.

I guess Dad wouldn't be so proud if you don't win.

Boy, are you in trouble.

Now, wait, Rob.

Dad, I guess I looked up.

No.

Just play it right on the right edge.

Right on the right edge.

Knock it in, we'll get a tie.

No excuse for a failure.

Robbie.

Rob?

A little too much pressure, huh, Steve?

Yeah, I guess so, Ralph.

Excuse me.

It's me, Bub.

Oh, shoo, huh?

Yeah, a little old me.

Where have you been till this hour of the night?

I, uh, I was out.

From what I hear, you were way out.

Well, get in there.

Get in there.

I, uh, I guess Dad told you what happened, huh?

In color and wide screen.

He's waiting upstairs.

Bub?

Bub?

For me?

You.

Well, we thought you'd crossed the border by now.

I should have.

Dad's waiting to see you.

Yeah, I know.

You know, in some parts of China,
a father can sell an extra son like you.

Peace is what he wants.

Hello, Rob.

I was, uh, I was just going to bed.

Where were you at dinner time?

Uh, I was at Gil's house.

I figured it was no time to come home
after, uh, after you know what.

Night, Dad.

Come in here.

I want to talk to you.

Rob?

I don't know what to say to you.

Except I'm just going to... Disappointed.

Yeah, I guess you are, Dad.

Dad, I'm sorry.

What good does it do to be sorry?

Dad, I tried.

Sure you tried.

Now look, Rob, I'm warning you,
I don't want this to happen again.

Oh, don't worry, there won't be any again.

All right.

Well, the only reason I went through with it was
because I didn't want you to think I was a quitter.

A quitter?

Gil and Dave warned me, but I thought if I did my
best, and maybe with you, that'd be good enough.

Well, I'm sorry it wasn't.

And I'm sorry my dad has to make such a
big federal case out of losing a game of golf.

Game of golf?

And next time you can find yourself a
partner who plays for blood, Dad.

Now wait a minute, Rob.

You're fine.

I'm just a golf partner.

But maybe you can suggest somebody who
might be able to give me my telephone messages.

The telephone messages?

Is that what you're talking about?

Oh.

Oh.

Dad.

Mr. Olsen called this morning.

He wanted you to call him back before we
went out to the golf course.

I know.

I found out about that.

Dad, I'm sorry.

But, uh, let's forget about the messages for a minute, huh?

Sit down.

Now, what's this talk about my making a
federal case out of losing our golf game today?

Well, Gil and Dave were giving me the bit
about all the trouble they went through

when they played with their dads, and and you were
talking about how there was no excuse for people to fail.

And I missed all that.

All those putts.

And you said that you were mad because Chip was flunking?

Rob, you didn't fail.

I did.

It's easy for a parent when the only thing
he has to deal with is success.

And we haven't, uh, well, we haven't had
to talk about failure much.

But everybody fails, Rob.

It's something, sometime.

But whether you win or lose, doesn't make
any difference to me, Rob.

As long as you've done the very best you could.

I guess you didn't know that.

I mean, you've gone along thinking that it
did make a difference to me.

And that's why I say I failed.

I failed as a father, you see.

I guess so.

I hope you do.

Anyway, I, I feel a lot better.

Good.

I feel better, too.

Chip, what are you doing out of bed?

I was listening to that stuff you were telling
Robbie about how it's okay to fail if you try your best.

So I thought now it'd be a good time to tell you.

Well, I tried my best, but I didn't pass social studies.

Oh, well, now, Chip.

And I'm sure glad that doesn't make any
difference how you feel towards me.

Good night.

Good night.

You know, most of the time I can't figure
out whether I've won or lost.

You know,

most of the time.