04x19 - Marriage By Proxy

[bunniefuu]

Don't knock on those
plates or they won't blow away.

Mr. Wolfer and I, Gene, says you shouldn't
put dirty junk on junk you're going to eat from.

So, find a clean rock.

You know why I think Mike invited us to this barbecue?

Sure.

Now that he's going to get married, he doesn't
think it's so terrible if his brothers hang around.

So we can do all the work.

Now, cut it out, Mike.

Just stop it.

Listen, girls who hit their future husbands in the mouth
with wet dish rags have got to expect this sort of treat.

It was an accident.

I told you that.

Oh, it's an accident, huh?

Now, look, you just stay right over there.

Now, look, Mike, we have to get everything
ready by the time Wally and Barbara get here.

And if you don't cut it out, then just stop it.

Stay right there.

Now, look, Wally and Barbara are going to
be here any minute.

Robbie, talk to your brother.

Why, Mike, how are things?

Oh, you're no help.

Hey, Rob, what do you think of a girl who washes out a few
cups, then turns around and hangs a dishcloth on your nose?

Oh, girls like that have to be punished.

You're right.

Now, look, Mike, that's enough.

Now, just stay right there, okay?

Okay.

You can't hang a dishcloth on somebody's
nose unless it turns up like a hook or something.

Chip, Mike was just saying that so he
could horse around and chase her.

What's the fun of chasing a girl?

Anybody can catch them.

Yeah.

What's the rush?

Sorry, Mr. Douglas.

Come back here, you coward.

Sorry, Bub.

Sally, you better give up.

You better give up.

Careful when he comes through, Mr. Douglas.

I heard that.

Hold it down, will you?

Take it easy.

Crap.

Even the dogs are fat-headed.

And that's about to get married.

They're just having fun, Bub.

Yeah, well, somebody ought to tell him
that getting married is not just running

up and down stairs all day tickling each other.

They'll find that out soon enough.

Let them have fun before the whole thing dawns on them.

Hey, it's quiet down there all of a sudden.

I'd better go and check.

Maybe they've broken a leg or something.

Do you really think so, Bub?

Oh.

I guess not.

That'll teach you to hang a wet dish rag on my nose.

I'm glad I did it.

I'm glad you did it.

Mm-hmm.

Good.

So much fun making it.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, this guy, isn't it?

Mm, kind of.

Yeah.

Thank.

You.

Wally went right out and got it for our anniversary.

I didn't know you two had been married a whole year.

One year and two weeks.

But this is for the second
anniversary of the time Wally almost

asked me to marry him, but couldn't quite get up the nerve.

That's something you've got to learn about marriage, Mike.

We have anniversaries for everything.

Like the first time we met.

The first time we went to a drive-in movie
without another couple.

The first time her mother decided she liked me.

And the first time we held hands right-handed.

The first time we held hands left-handed.

And the first time I said I liked her dress.

That was last Thursday.

Who likes some rare?

I do.

Okay.

Hey, that big fat one's mine.

Chip, do you always... Do you
always have to hang around to be a pig?

Well, give her that one.

I slapped that big fat one together with my own two hands.

Well, in that case, maybe I better give her another
one so she won't get bubonic plague or something.

Hey, you guys, at the risk of sounding
very corny, may I ask you a question?

Go ahead and get corny.

Well, has married life been everything you
expected it to be?

Frankly, the only reason I'm staying with
him is because of his parents.

They don't want him back.

Mike was asking a serious question, honey.

Let me tell you about marriage, Mike.

It's perfect.

It's heaven on earth if you got the right woman.

So happens I got Barbara here.

What am I going to do?

All right, Wally, just for that, get the treatment.

Completely helpless when he's tickled.

Make me chase you, dear.

Get it over with.

No kidding, honey.

There's a place for everything.

Look out, Wally, run.

Boy, if I actually done like that with a
girl at school, I'd get expelled.

You know, someday I'm going to tape.

I'm going to tape all the stupid stuff you say and
play it back for you when you're around 16 years old.

Must be a new craze like Mahjong.

Kick on your partner and you get a prize.

Oh, no fair.

No fair.

O 'Casey got it in his throat.

Hey, foul.

What's the foul?

We won.

Offside penalty.

Five yards.

Now you're going to get it.

Yeah, yeah, get her.

What is it, hon?

What's the matter?

Hey, somebody.

Quick.

Barbara, what's the matter?

Are you all right?

Barbara, are you all right?

Get some water.

Yeah.

Hey, stand aside, will you, please, folks?

Let me have a look at her.

What's the matter?

Do you feel a little dizzy?

Here, Mike.

Here.

Is she okay?

Well, you can all relax.

She's going to be all right.

Well, what is it, Bub?

If I were you, I'd see my doctor as soon as you can.

See my doctor?

What is it?

What's the matter with you?

Well, I've seen a lot of cases like this.

Oh, now, don't give us your background, Bub.

What's wrong?

Yeah.

I'll bet you my last pair of suspenders
that this young fellow's going to be a father.

A father?

Hey, you guys.

The hamburgers are ready.

Congratulations.

Did you hear that, hon?

Are you all right now?

I'm fine.

You sure?

I'm sorry.

You want another glass of water?

You sure you're okay?

She'll be all right.

You mean, he's going to be a father?

I mean, you mean Wally is going to be a father?

Well, let's put it this way.

She's going to be a mother.

Oh, you was putting the car away.

You just got a message from your attendant.

Sally?

I guess so.

Why, have you got another?

No, Bob.

What did she say?

Well, instead of coming over here, you're supposed
to meet her at some dame's house named Dingbatter.

Something like that.

Dingbatter?

Oh, uh, dimming?

That's it.

And Sally says she'll explain the whole
thing to you when you get there.

And who's this Dingbat?

Dinning, Bob.

Martha Dinning.

She's one of Sally's best friends.

Oh.

Oh, and another thing.

I'm supposed to give you a kiss, but forget that, Hobart.

Yeah?

Come on in.

Hi, what are you...

His name is Eric.

He's three months old, and he's Martha.

Well, where's Martha?

Something came up, and she had to go over to her mother's.

She says there's not another person in the
world she'd trust Eric with.

What does that mean?

I mean, do we have to stay here all evening?

Just for a couple of hours.

Look at him, honey.

Look how completely helpless he is.

Yeah.

Think how proud and responsible you must
feel when something like this happens to you.

This is yours.

Responsible is the word.

You know, it seems to me it would make a man
want to go out into the world and want to do things.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, what time did Martha say she'd be back?

She didn't know for sure.

Oh, here, I have to go warm his bottle.

No!

Honey, it's only a little baby.

Sally!

Sally, I'm liable to break it.

Sally?

I've already done something wrong.

Sally?

Hey, Mike.

Hi, how are you?

How are you?

Long time no see.

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I thought you did your studying at home.

Oh, well, Francie threw me out.

She's getting a little jittery.

You know how it is.

Yeah.

Know how what is?

Well, I mean, with the baby due any minute
now, you know, she's getting a little sensitive.

You mean Francie Marfield's gonna have a baby any minute?

Francie Sears.

She hasn't been Francie Marfield for two years.

Oh, I know.

I went to grammar school with Francie.

She beat me in a debate once.

I just can't believe it.

Well, I can't.

She beats me in debates all the time.

You know, Barbara and Wally are gonna have a baby, too.

Hey, Mike, we've been friends for a long time, haven't we?

Yeah.

Listen.

I've got it all figured out, so this will never
happen, because I'm covering it from every angle.

But I just want to cover it once more.

What will ever happen?

Well, that you'll have to take Francie to the hospital.

Why?

Wait a second.

Don't panic.

It can't happen.

Really, 50% of the babies are born in the daytime.

And I work at night, so that cuts it in
half right there, huh?

Yeah, but, uh... Not two.

If it happens while I'm at work, she can just take a cab.

Of course, uh, cab drivers are a little impersonal.

Absolutely.

Now, three, her mom lives real close by, and she
can just come over and take care of the whole thing.

Why can't you just take a couple of days
off from work, Howie?

Well, because the doctor says it can happen
tomorrow, the next day, three weeks from now.

Now, four, my folks will probably be back
from Philadelphia long before anything

happens, and they can come over and take
care of the whole thing.

Well, couldn't she call you at work?

Heck, they'd certainly let you off for
that, and then you could drive it yourself.

On a motor scooter?

Oh.

Now, five, I've alerted the whole fraternity.

There are at least ten, ten guys.

All primed to take over.

Oh.

Well, that's different.

Yeah, well, I mean, like I say, it can happen.

But you can't blame me for not making sure, right?

Right.

Oh, no.

It's the wrong number.

Please, it's the wrong number.

Please, it's the wrong number.

Mike.

Yeah.

Do you know anybody named Francie Sears?

Oh, now I told me about you, I decided not
to call this fraternity.

I mean, I don't know them, but I do know you.

What time for a mother to be visiting her sister?

Yes.

Do you know who I'd really rather be with you?

She goes to pieces in a crisis.

Miss?

Yes?

Could you stop that for a minute?

We're going to have a baby.

I see.

Who's your doctor?

I don't know.

Who's the doctor?

Dr. Milton Stoner.

Dr. Milton Stoner.

Oh, yes.

Mrs. Sears.

Have you called your doctor?

Yes.

Then I called my husband.

For a while there, I was afraid we were
going to have to come over on his motor scooter.

Well, you know what?

You can talk something else out, though.

Oh, I should hope so.



What is your wife's maiden name?

My... Oh, you don't understand.

This is admittance.

Mrs. Sears is here.

Thank you.

Her maiden name, please.

Well, Marfield, but... Marfield.

Yeah, Marfield.

And your middle name?

Stephen, but I don't think it makes any difference.

Francie?

Oh, are you okay?

Fine.

Just a little tired.

Would you like a wheelchair?

No, thanks.

I'll make... Would you like a wheelchair?

No.

Look, miss, does she have to stay here and
answer questions?

This poor little girl's gonna have a baby,
and she's very upset about it.

All right, all right, young man.

Take her to the first elevator and go to
the third floor they're waiting for.

All right.

Third elevator, first floor.

Easy.

Now, you all right?

Oh.

Now, uh...

Don't go anywhere.

Okay?

Boy, this is m*rder.

That's the way all new fathers feel.

I'm not a new father.

I practically haven't seen her since the seventh grade.

Uh, young man.

Yes?

The elevators are that way.

Just... just relax.

Just like going to the market for a sack of potatoes.

I didn't mean that.

Oh, no thanks.

I don't have a headache.

You will.

Cigarette?

Yeah, thanks.

One, please.

Mr. Sears?

Is Mr. Sears here?

He's the father of a seven-pound baby girl.

Sears?

Sears, that's me.

Well, it isn't really me.

I mean, hardly know my wife.

I'm sort of a father by proxy.

Francie had a baby?

You can't get emotional about these things.

Right.

Mike, how's Francie?

What happened?

That boob down at the plant didn't give me
the message until ten minutes ago.

Francie is just fine, and the baby's fine, too.

She's in there.

Hey, Mike, no kidding.

Thank you.

She?

His name is Robert.

Well, you better change that to Roberta.

You'll find her in there, Mark.

Sears' girl.

I'm going home.

And I am never, ever going to go through
anything like this again.

You're breaking off the engagement?

Dad, I just can't go through with it.

I'm not ready.

But you still love Sally.

Oh, sure I do.

I just... I just didn't picture all
the things that might happen.

I suppose you pictured a little
vine-covered apartment with pretty

furniture and a new TV and friends dropping in
occasionally for cards or philosophical discussions.

I don't know what I pictured.

But I'll tell you, what Wally and Howie
and Martha are going through isn't a part of it.

Mike, did it ever occur to you that maybe
they like what they're going through?

Like it?

How could they possibly like it?

That baby bit is m*rder.

Dad, you have no idea.

Well, sure you do, but you're different.

Look, I haven't always been a father, you know.

I started out a scared young fellow just like you are.

I remember the night you were born,
I made quite a fool of myself at the

hospital by insisting on three doctors for your mother.

Three?

Oh, sure.

One couldn't possibly have handled it.

And then when they announced you were born, I fainted.

Right there in the hall in front of Bub
and all the other expectant fathers.

Well, I passed out, too, and it wasn't even mine.

You know, after we brought you home, I, uh... Well, I
didn't pick you up for, well, it must have been two weeks.

Afraid you'd break me.

Oh, yeah.

And I didn't want to infect you with my,
uh, my adult germs.

Every time I came into your nursery, I wore a mask.

Until Bub got a hold of it one day and burned it.

No kidding?

No kidding.

So, Mike, uh, I think your reaction to all
this is, uh, really pretty normal.

Well, I... Well, I do feel a little less foolish about it.

Good.

How, uh, how about the engagement?

Still on.

Thanks, Dad.

Good night, Mike.

I'll tell you one thing, though.

I'm sure glad our wedding isn't for a while.

Give my nerves a chance to recover.

Good night, Dad.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, catch, mister.

Oh.

Here you are.

You don't have to float so sissy, mister.

I can catch it.

What's your name?

Jimmy Robinson.

I live at 303 Maple.

Well, you've got quite an arm, Jimmy.

Sure, I'm five.

Well, Jimmy, I'd like to play baseball
with you, but you're only five?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

I mean, five's awful young to be walking around in a suit.

And talking and playing baseball, isn't it?

Uh-uh.

My brother's only three, and he walks around and talks.

But he plays baseball pretty awful.

At three, he walks and talks?

How many is this?

Three.

That's how many he is.

Some children start talking when they're only a year old.

Jimmy, I want you to meet Mike, your future uncle.

Hi, future Uncle Mike.

Uncle Mike?

Uncle-in-law, if you want to be technical.

He's my sister's boy.

A very short time ago, he was a tiny, helpless baby.

Then you arranged this?

To show you what happens to the
frightening creatures called babies.

Here's your picture, and I've saved a thousand words.

But how did you even know?

Two things, Mike.

Women's intuition, and I asked your father
what was the matter with you.

Sorry.

Here's Mike.

Oh, you all set, Mike?

Here you go, Jim.

All set for what?

We're going to pick up Ernie, Hank,
and Betty, Jane, take us to the movie.

Yeah.

Don't you remember?

No.

What?

I said no.

Yeah, but they're waiting.

Uh, Chip, uh, forget it.

It's all over.

See you guys later.

Yeah, you're right.

Just forget it, Chip.

It's all over.

Okay, Jim.

Boy.

Hey, come on.

Let me try one.

Watch it.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you Polish the car while I play with my nephew?

In law.

Thanks.

I'll Polish that over there.

Coming up later, we'll award you an Oscar
and a Tony in an Emmy-winning show.

The Odd Couple.

Catch back-to-back episodes starting at
noon, 9 Pacific, right here on TV Land,

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♪♪♪♪.