04x31 - Mike Wears the Pants

[bunniefuu]

No skates inside the house.

Okay.

Hello?

Judy Ashby, please.

Look, little girl, I think it's swell that you're four
years old, but get your mother for me, please.

Bathing again?

Look, little girl, tell her that Mike and
his fiancée are going to wait a little

while before getting married and moving to an apartment.

So, wait, little girl, don't hang up on me.

Wait, wait.

How can such a clean mother have such a rotten little kid?

Bob, did Mike's son move away after he and
Sally get married?

That's the latest bulletin, yep.

Hey, Chip, let's go out and build a dam in the gutter.

Mrs. Fletcher's watering the lawn again.

No, I don't feel like it.

Well, I'm going.

It's a natural instinct for those beavers.

Go, Wilson.

Well, you'll understand these things when
you get older, Chip.

How come I always have to wait till I get older?

Well, you'll figure that out when you get older.

Tell me, uh, why this great love for your
brother all of a sudden?

I can remember two or three occasions when
you'd have been very happy if he'd been in China.

Well, I don't like him.

I just don't want him to move out.

Well, you didn't expect him to live here forever, did you?

No, but maybe he'll stay here for just a little bit longer.

I tell him I won't bother him anymore.

Well, now, Chip, that isn't why he's leaving.

He just, uh, wants to do what's right for Sally.

Well, yeah, but Sally likes it here.

She likes tramps.

And Ernie, she even likes Wilson.

He's a terrible dog.

Chip, this is the way Mike wants it.

So this is the way it's going to have to be.

Honey, what are we waiting for?

Why don't we get married right away?

Because we agreed to be practical and wait
until you finish college.

Then we'll both be working and we can
afford a nice apartment.

Yeah, I know, but...

Honey, Honey, what would be our biggest living expense?

Rent, I guess.

Okay, I've solved the rent problem.

I've solved the grocery problem, the
laundry problem... Oh, wait a minute.

I don't think I'd like being married to a
part-time bank robber.

Honey, we're going to get married right away.

How?

We'll live right here at my house.

Your house?

Yeah, there's something doing all the time.

You'll certainly never get lonely.

No expenses.

You'll love it.

Are you sure your father'd like the idea?

Well, what difference would it make to him?

I already have my own room.

What more do we need?

Yeah.

Mike, what does Sally say about all this?

Oh, she loves the idea, naturally.

Well, maybe she's just too sweet to tell
you that living with your family might be a little.

...

inconvenient.

Inconvenient?

Oh, not at all.

I like it here.

In this way, Sally and I can get married right away.

Uh-oh, the shower's on again.

Well, back to the phone.

Twenty-seven female.

Mike, I must say that you found yourself a wonderful girl.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Well, we could sure use a woman's touch around here.

She might make a few improvements in the menu.

Now, that's enough out of you, Clifton.

Well, I was just kidding, Bub.

These dumplings are real neat.

They're pancakes.

And you know it, Charlie.

Well, Dad, what do you really think?

You haven't committed yourself yet.

Well, Mike, have you honestly thought this
whole thing through?

Oh, I think so.

You know, she's not going to be just another brother.

She's going to be your wife.

So?

Well, Bub does the cooking and the mending
and all the laundry.

And, well, he does about everything around
here that a new bride should be doing.

Then why doesn't Mike marry Bub?

Don't you see, Dad?

It'll be perfect.

When I'm at school and Sally's home from
her job, she can help Bub.

And Bub can teach her everything she needs to know.

Well, Mike, you and Sally are certainly
welcome to live here with us.

You know that.

It's your decision to make.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

We both have our hearts set on getting married right away.

Boy, that would be neat.

Sally does my homework better than you even.

Well, I'm glad you like her, Chip.

I'm going to get going.

I can't wait to tell Sally she's been
voted into the Douglas family.

So long, everybody.

Goodbye, Mike.

Thanks for the breakfast, Bub.

Where'd I put that list of frilly females?

I ought to give her that shower about Thursday.

What's the matter, Steve?

Is this marriage bugging you?

Bub, I just don't think that moving in here
with us is what you'd call a perfect beginning.

What's the matter with moving to a marriage?

Well, when I was married, I didn't even have a job.

Grandma had to take in washing.

And our honeymoon cottage was a piano
crate down behind the ice house.

But it was your own private piano crate, Bub.

Hello?

Is Mrs. Judy Ashby there?

Why don't you say it?

A bath?

Again?

Come in.

Well, in that case, little girl,
just yell through the door.

Just tell her, please, that Mr. William O
'Casey is on the phone.

And, little girl, little girl, don't hang up.

I'm not the...

Oh, hi, honey.

Having trouble?

That's that Ashby kid.

I'm trying to tell her that you and Mike are going to be
married right away and that the shower is set for Thursday.

She hangs up right in my ear.

Bub, before you make any more calls,
there's something I want to talk to you about.

Well, let's talk in the kitchen, honey.

I've got a pressure cooker full of ham hocks on
the stove and it's liable to explode all over the ceiling.

Come on.

What's the matter?

You got cold feet?

No, nothing like that.

I just think that if Mike and I move in here,
well, it's just not a good way to start a marriage.

Well, how can you tell until you try it?

Once we get married, with Mike still in
college, we won't have any choice.

We'll have to live here.

Well, if you spend the weekend with us,
you can find out for yourself.

Thanks, Bub, but I just don't think that
would solve the problem.

But there's no problem.

Mike can bunk in with Robbie, Chip with
tr*mp in the attic, and you've got Mike's room.

Hi, Bub.

Hi, Sally.

Hi.

Beat it, Prell.

Sally and I are having a coffee clutch.

I don't see any coffee.

Sally, after you marry Mike, are you going
to move in here with us?

Would you like me to?

Yeah, on account of nobody else around
here, no social studies.

Bub, can I ask you a question?

Make it quick.

Ernie wants to know what we're having for dinner.

Why?

Because if it's spinach or liver, he gets a rash.

Well, we're going to have ham hocks, so
he'll have to get his rash somewhere else.

Yeah, but you invited him over for the weekend.

I did not.

Yes, you did.

I asked you if Ernie and Wilson could come over on account
of his mom and dad had to go to Las Vegas on business.

Or something.

Well, I don't remember it.

Yeah, but I asked you real loud that time
you were taking a nap.

You didn't say no.

Well, maybe this weekend wouldn't be convenient.

Sure it is.

Chip and Ernie and Wilson can sleep in the
attic, so consider it all set.

Hey, Nate, it's like we're camping out
when we're camping in.

No campfires in the attic, Charlie.

Okay.

I'll show Ernie.

He's quite a guy, that little fella.

See, it's fun having you here this weekend.

You know, this is just the way it's gonna be.

I just love your family, Mike.

You know, they make me feel right at home.

Oh, good.

Oh, here's Dad after he came back from a fishing trip.

All he got that day was a sandwich.

It was a sunburn.

Oh, who's that with the ice cream all over his face?

Oh, that wasn't ice cream.

That's Robbie after a pie-eating contest.

You should see the guy who won the thing.

Mike, have you seen that new pipe of mine?

Uh, no, Dad.

Well, maybe you left it in the car.

Oh, I'm sure I brought it in and had it upstairs.

Yes, Dee.

Maybe I left it down here.

Bub, have you seen my new pipe?

I haven't seen it since I used it to stir the coffee.

Oh, we joke like that all the time.

Oh, here's Chip's third birthday party.

He's the one with his foot in the cake.

Who's this pretty girl you have your arm around?

Oh, that's Frank's cousin.

She used to come down from Connecticut
every summer and I'd get stuck with her.

Are you sure you were getting stuck with her?

What do you want, Ernie?

You gotta hide me.

Chip's after me with water.

Oh.

Well, how about under there?

Gotta break it in sometime.

Mike, I was sitting right there last night.

Would you mind checking under the cushions?

I might have slipped down in there someplace.

What?

Oh, my new pipe.

Oh, Bob and I checked the cushions this
morning looking for loose change.

Oh.

Did you find any?

No.

Hey, look!

It's gonna be sick!

Sherlock, you wouldn't mind doing your
slooping without my new pipe.

Come on, you guys!

Come on, you guys!

Hello?

Come on, you guys!

Come on, you guys!

Here we are!

Come on!

Come on!

Well, I finally got through to those 27 women.

Shower's set for Thursday.

I can serve the food in the dining room
and we can open up the loot in the living room.

Well, I don't know.

And I can twist up some of that pink cray
paper and hang it from the ceiling.

Bub.

Blue cray paper?

Bub, it's not that.

Oh, I see.

This place is commencing to look like an
army barracks to you, isn't it?

No.

I love it here.

I mean, everyone's so nice to me and everything.

Well, it isn't exactly like a honeymoon hideaway, is it?

Well, I noticed that you didn't even get a
word in edgewise.

Well, it's just that I don't think Mike
and I would get much privacy.

Well, that piano crate was a little
drafty, but Grandma and I were alone.

Well, that's what I dream of, our own piano crate.

Well, there's only one thing to do.

Let Mike change your mind.

And live here?

Now, you take this from your mother-in-law, Bub.

There are ways of handling a husband so that he
does what you want and still thinks that that's his idea.

They were looked all over for a bookcase,
but they're so darn expensive.

And then Francie got this idea to use the
glass building blocks for bookends.

As soon as we get enough money, we're
going to have our names sandblasted into them.

Francie, how's it coming out there, dear?

Just a minute, honey.

How are you?

Don't you think it's getting a little warm in here?

Mike, would you believe that that coffee
table over there used to be a door?

Yeah.

Yeah, I just knocked the doorknob off and
Francie had the legs and painted pink.

Hey, we have to keep the apartment warm for the baby.

Oh.

Howie, your collar.

Look at that painting over there, too.

Francie painted that.

She used a new technique where you use a spatula
instead of paintbrushes and you just kind of fling it on.

It's kind of fun.

Francie, how's the dessert coming?

The kids are waiting.

Hey, that was wonderful.

Hey, Mike, don't those look wonderful?

Thank you.

Really, really, they really look wonderful.

They're called iced frappes a la Chantilly.

Frappes a la Chantilly.

Francie's got this great French cookbook.

Why don't you boys take off your coats?

Yeah, that's a great idea.

No, really, hey, we're fine.

Don't be silly, honey.

I heard Mike say it was hot.

Come on, Howie.

What the heck?

You're among friends.

There's no call certainly to be.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Sweetheart, did you have to wear that particular shirt?

It was the only one left, darling.

Francie, the whole meal was delicious.

Really.

It sure was.

Delicious.

Only thing is, I don't know where I'm going to put this.

Thank you.

But I forgot to serve the soup.

Don't worry about it.

Put it in the bag and we'll take it home with us.

Well.

Hey, maybe we ought to just pop them in
the oven for an hour or two.

Maybe they'll thaw out.

It's said to freeze them.

Well, you did.

You did.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's pour the soup over.

Enough of your jokes, Howard Sears.

You could have reminded me to serve the soup.

And you don't have to say that again.

Sit there wearing that shirt.

Well, it's the only one, Francie.

I'm so worn out taking care of this
apartment and the baby and everything.

Hey, now, wait a second.

It's not my fault if you have to leave
your brand in all my shirts.

And what about this?

It looks like one of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

If the biggest thing in your life is clean
shirts, you should have married the laundromat.

Hey, Francie.

Oh, Fran...

Francie!

Francie!

Hey, baby, baby.

Hey,

Mike, I'm so sorry this had to happen in front of you guys.

That's okay, Howie.

Everything's under control.

She's gonna be all right.

Mike, I'm... Oh, yeah.

Howie, I think we better call it a night.

Oh, hey, you guys are going, aren't you?

Yeah, I think so.

Come on, you can stay a little bit longer, huh?

Thanks a lot.

It was a wonderful dinner.

Hey, look, it was my fault the whole thing
because she's so tired.

She's so tired and I clicked on her.

That's okay.

She didn't have Francie for us.

Huh?

Okay.

Thanks a lot.

Goodbye, guys.

Hey, let's do it again, okay?

Okay.

Hey, hey, you forgot you deserved.

You know, something occurred to me tonight.

I can imagine.

Promise you won't get sore?

Go on.

Well, maybe we ought to postpone our wedding.

Did Howard and Francie discourage you of marriage?

No.

That kind of blow-up could happen to any two people.

It's just that if we wait to get married,
say, for about a year, when I finish college.

...

What are you trying to say?

Well, I know you may not like the idea, but I don't
Honey, I really thought that little apartment was great.

You really liked it?

Yeah.

Now, I know you've got your heart set on
moving in here with us, but there are

times when I really don't think it'd be too convenient.

You're sure now?

I figure if we waited a year, we could
save up a little money and I'd be out of

school and working full-time and we could
have our own little apartment then.

Maybe you're right.

I agree.

You do?

Wait a minute.

That was too easy.

No, it wasn't.

I've been trying to get you to say that.

Tonight, I really thought I'd lost the battle.

Fine.

Come on in.

What brings you out of the attic at this time of night?

I've been thinking.

Oh.

I think it's m*rder when you're trying to
get some sleep, isn't it?

Yeah.

Mike?

Hmm?

How come you're still up?

I was reading.

And, uh, I got to sleep.

I was thinking, too, about keeping our family
together and how much fun we have around here.

You were thinking about that, too?

Yeah.

Why don't we have Dad buy the house next door?

That way you guys could live in it.

Well.

Chip, when a man gets married, he usually leaves the nest.

That means he goes out on his own, sort of.

You know, so his parents can't protect him anymore.

Yeah, I know.

We studied about it in life science.

Only it was about birds.

Right.

Birds and animals and people.

See, Chip, the best way for
Sally and I to get married would

be to save our money and then
in a year get our own apartment.

A year?

A whole year?

Well, that's how long we figured it'd take.

Hey, that's great!

I thought you were going to get married right away.

Boy, in a whole year I'll be clearing the seventh grade.

Yeah, you might even be shaving then.

Hey, yeah!

Come on, you guys.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Sally.

I couldn't sleep.

I thought I'd go down and get some milk.

I couldn't sleep either.

I was just going to talk to Mike.

Hi.

How are you guys?

What's everybody doing up?

Well, I guess we're all a little restless, Chip.

Well, Mike and I were having a little talk.

Mike says when you guys get married, I can
come over to your apartment and spend the night.

Bring tr*mp with me.

Sure you can, Chip.

Night, Dad.

Night, Sally.

Good night, Chip.

Night.

Hi, honey.

Mike, what happened?

Oh, I said the magic word.

What magic word?

Year.

I told him we weren't going to get married
for a year, and suddenly everything was fine.

Well, I guess at Chip's age, a year seems like an eternity.

Oh, I'm so happy, Mike.

That's great.

Uh-oh.

We have one more problem.

What's that?

Who's going to tell Bub?

The shower's all set for Thursday.

Oh, boy.

Look, Mike, I think maybe you'd better tell him.

Oh, why me, Dad?

Well, I think you two should.

Maybe you should.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

Oh, not me.

I already told you.

But the shower comes.

Look, look, what if you should?

How about you?

No, no, I... Hey, you guys, come on.

I got my deal.

Let Bobby do it.

Good night.

Hey.

Good night.

Little.

Girl, so please try and get this message straight.

Just tell your mother that... Now, don't hang up.

Don't hang up.

Please don't hang up.

Just tell your mother that I'll be calling
her one year from next Tuesday.

That's right.

There, at last.

I hung up on her.

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