09x10 - Baby, It's Cold Inside

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Hello, Air Greenland, when's your next flight?

No, this isn't a crank call, I really want to go there.

Mom, Tony, you'll never believe it,
Richie just called, they're opening the

base to wives this weekend and I'm going to go.

Oh, Richie, oh, Richie, how is everything?

Oh, Richard, you sound like a woman.

Oh, that army.

Mom, it's the airline, I'm trying to get a reservation.

Oh, oh, well, it's really nice talking to
you and I'll give you back to Lori Beth now.

I'm so embarrassed.

Well, you know, this is a perfect weekend to go
to Greenland, it couldn't be colder than it is here.

Oh, kidding, gosh.

An hour, the plane leaves in an hour and I
have so much to do, I have to pack,

I have to, oh, I can't believe it.

After four long, lonely months, I get to see Richie
and he'll take me in his arms, he'll look me in the eyes.

Lori Beth, not, not in front of Joe Long.

Or me.

The baby, I almost forgot, Mom, I hope
you don't mind taking care of Richie Jr.

, uh, he's having his first cold.

So you'll miss it, he's gonna get a hundred colds.

Oh, no, I mean, he might be a little hard to handle.

Oh, I don't mind, I don't mind.

Oh, Mom, it's that darn boiler again.

Isn't Dad ever gonna fix that thing?

He says he doesn't have the right tools.

He owns a hardware store, Mom.

Could I borrow a suitcase?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, great.

I got a hundred of them.

Oh, Lori Beth, I miss Richie so much.

Oh, gee, I wish you were coming with me.

No, you don't.

You're right.

Oh, boy.

It's cold out there.

Feels good to be home.

How many times do I have to tell you?

You don't live here.

This is not your home.

I know that, Mr. C.

Is that today's paper?

Oh, Marion, I got great news for you.

I've been prepped.

Give me.

I've been practicing all day long trying to
figure out how I was going to tell you this.

So hold on to your hat, Marion.

Mr. C's got two free tickets to New York.

I got two free tickets to New York.

Well, tell me about it.

Well, it seems like I ended up selling
more Happy Plungers than anyone else has.

So, Mr. Happy is giving us a free trip to New York, and
he wants to talk to me about taking a job with his company.

You want to have a job in New York?

No, Marion.

I just want the free trip.

Yeah, Paul, you and I can have a ball.

All right, pull this up.

Guess where I'm going this weekend?

Paris.

No, Hawaii.

Oh, no.

Omaha.

Oh.

Sit down over here.

Oh, thanks, Paul.

How did you know that?

Process of elimination.

Get back in line.

Why are you going?

Why are you going?

Omaha.

You were looking at the delegate from
Jefferson High to the new teacher's convention.

Oh, yeah.

What kind of a teacher's convention?

I'm going to brush up on my library skills.

Brushing up on your library skills?

Mr. Seekerman, I found out last year 96%
of all the delegates were ladies.

Ah.

So I figured I'd put a little Dewey back
in their decimal system.

Dad, did you hear the good news?

In less than an hour, I'm on my way to see Richie.

Oh, that's great.

I'm going to get my best record.

Oh, I will, I will.

That's wonderful, sweetheart.

And Mom and I are going to New York.

Oh, New York, New York.

Oh, I'm going to Omaha.

Yeah.

I'm going nowhere.

That's right.

What about the baby?

Where's the baby going?

The baby.

Oh, that's right.

Well, no, that's very simple.

I just can't go to New York.

I can go to New York.

No, Mom, it's my baby.

I should be the one to stay home.

I can go to Greenland.

You know, there must be some responsible person
who can take care of the little guy for a couple of days.

I can't think of anybody.

Oh, that's all right.

Just because I'm going to be home and the baby's
going to be home, that's no reason to think of me.

Well, I'm just a little baby myself.

I'll go up to my room.

I'll play with my Barbie doll.

What was that all about?

Well, here's a wild guess.

She wanted to take care of the baby, no
one thought about asking her, you know?

Oh, well, that's ridiculous.

I mean, who ever heard of a kid taking care of a kid?

Mr. C, you haven't noticed, but your child
is no longer a kid.

Joan of Arc saved France at her age.

Of course Joanie can do it.

She's wonderful with the baby.

I don't know.

Do I know kids?

I know kids.

You know kids.

Come on, she's great.

You're right.

Joanie!

Howard, you're doing the right thing.

Come on down, will you, sweetheart?

I want to talk to you.

I hope this is important.

I left Barbie naked.

Look, sweetheart, I don't know why we
didn't think of it before, but,

well, we would appreciate it if you would
take care of the baby this weekend.

Oh, Joanie, I know you'll do a great job.

Oh, you won't be sorry.

I'll bathe him, and I'll feed him, and I'll burp him.

I'll even get him to grow some hair.

Oh, I'll take great care of him.

Oh, I promise.

Oh, great.

I'd better get going.

Yeah.

Well, now, we'll drive you.

I'll warm up the car, huh?

I'll get your coat.

Fine.

You've got to help me out.

He will not leave me alone.

I'll do anything for you.

Thank you.

All right.

Here you go, Mr. C.

Hey, Potsie.

Potsie.

Yeah, Fonz?

How long has it been since we hung out together?

Five years.

Let's make a deal that we meet every five years, all right?

I'll treat you to a game of skeetball.

Oh, great.

Oh, boy, is Ralph going to be jealous.

I can't wait.

Could you pick me up a couple of bagels?

Sure.

Oh, that's terrific.

You go to Bernie's Bakery, you see,
you take the D train, get off at Jerome,

you transfer to the 44 bus, then you get
off at Morris, you walk six blocks west,

and there it is.

I'm not going to have time for that.

I'm going to be in business meetings all afternoon.

Afternoon's too late.

You've got to get there five O'clock in the morning.

That's what Bernie takes.

He takes them out of the oven.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Come on, we'll spend the night at the
bakery and forget about the hotel, huh?

That's what I always do.

All right, g*ng, we're going.

Now, you take care of yourselves, and make sure that you
lock up all the windows and the doors before you go to sleep.

All the time.

Oh, grab a little baby.

Why is Mommy sleeping?

Okay, now you leave a few lights burning at night.

Don't open the door before strangers, and then we
wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.

It's the middle of winter.

Then you really shouldn't go swimming at all.

Mother always gets nervous when she flies.

Oh, don't worry about a thing, Mr. C.

I'll be around here a lot.

That's it, I'm saying.

Oh, no, no, Mr. C.

What I meant was, uh, I'll be around here
in the daytime a lot.

Now, look, you don't have to worry about a thing.

I'll make sure that Joanie leaves two lights on,
and I'll be out of here every night at 10 O'clock.











It's a deal.

Don't worry, Mr. C.

There's no one more responsible than our little Joanie.

Kids, it's party time!

No way.

Yes.

No party.

Listen, Jenny, this weekend is very,
very important to me, and I want to just

prove to everyone that I'm just not a little kid.

Well, I don't think you understand something, Joanie.

When kids' parents leave town, there's going to be a party.

Oh, really?

Well, how does everybody know this?

Well, you see, Chachi, it's like a grapevine.

It goes mouth to mouth.

And whose was the first mouth?

It could have been mine.

Uh-huh.

You just tell everyone.

You just tell everyone that there's no party.

Oh, you guys are a couple of goody-goodies.

You know that?

And listen, if you ever get bored or anything,
you can always give each other crew cuts.

Chachi.

Yeah.

Isn't this nice?

You, me, a baby.

It's just like if we were married.

You know, you're right.

It is just like we were married.

Hey, Hagen, my dear.

Why don't you go outside and pretend
you're my husband coming?

Home from work.

What?

Oh, come on.

Oh, Joanie, come on.

It's freezing outside.

I don't want to do that.

Don't you have any romance, Chachi?

All right.

I'll be right back with some romance.

Okay.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

How was your day, dear?

Oh, not too bad, honey.

I got a B in that math quiz.

Come on.

Act like we're married.

Okay.

Okay.

Another new dress, huh?

Is that why I work like a dog?

So you can lie around here like a queen,
stuffing your mouth with bonbons?

But I work 12 hours a day in the mines, huh?

Huh?

And how was your day?

Oh, the usual.

Did the laundry, bought a new toaster,
had an affair with the milkman.

How dare you?

How dare you buy a toaster without asking me?

Come on, Chachi, we're making a mockery of the whole thing.

Married people are happier than that.

Yeah, sure.

They don't have to be home at 8 O'clock.

Oh, no, it's that darn boiler again.

You know, it is getting kind of cold in here.

Yeah, I know.

Chachi, will you go look at it?

Yeah, all right.

Thanks.

Oh, sure.


gotta go back down again.

I hope this is fun.

Yeah.

I like playing married.

Can't you be a gentleman?

Thank you.

I'm sorry, Joanie, I tried to call
everyone and call off the party.

You know something?

No one was home.

Well, where were they?

Here.

Yeah!

It's all up to you.

The 2004 TV Land Awards are coming, so cast your votes.

Go to TVLand.com and select your favorites
in the viewer's choice categories.

Make your choice heard.

Log on and vote today.

I hate you.

You look fabulous.

My new diet.

What are you doing?

One of those carb things?

Wait a minute.

It's way better.

You should try it.

I'm too busy.

Well, me too, but they portion it,
calculate it, and ship it right to your door.

Really?

Really.

How good can that be?

You tell me.

Now there's a better way.

It's called Nutrisystem Nourish.

It's new, and it's not like any other plan.

With Nutrisystem, there's never any
counting, measuring, or guesswork.

Just a hundred great-tasting snacks and
meals ready to heat, eat, and go.

Mmm.

No way that's a diet.

Only Nutrisystem is based on the glycemic
index, an extraordinary new weight.

It's rich in good carbs and low in fat.

You can burn more calories more effectively.

Fabulous.

I feel thinner already.

Well, that makes two of us, since you just
ate my entire lunch.

Get the good carb answer with Nutrisystem and lose weight.

For the skinny on Nutrisystem, call 888-660-THIN.

That's 1-888-660-THIN.

The Uh-Oh Oreo.

The greatest tasting goof ever.

Look what's new at Publisher's Clearinghouse.

It's just a few clicks.

Now you can go to PCH.com and in no time
enter to win $10 million February 26th.

It's a whole new world.

This can't replace us, can it?

Easy entry at PCH.com.

That's what's new at Publisher's Clearinghouse.

Every night at 1130.

Cheers.

Everybody's doing a brand new dance now.

Okay, everybody, let's get naked and see who's fat.

John's, he didn't mean it.

Besides, who'd take their clothes off if they were fat?

You're not helping.

I think Bobby's getting a little out of control.

Oh, John's, he's harmless.

He's just unwinding from the pressures of
maintaining a straight C average.

Besides, John Swithart, don't be upset.

It's your party.

You make the rules.

God, what's going on up here?

It's not like a party.

Yeah, there is a party.

It's in the living room.

Well, why don't you invite me?

Oh, wow.

Look at this cute little Tammy from my third period.

Hey, Tammy, how you doing?

Oh, man, I hate third periods.

Listen, I'm sorry I'm on the edge.

Did you fix the boiler?

Fix it?

Are you kidding?

I just gave that thing its last rites.

It's a dance.

Go to the shop.

Oh, sh**t.

Okay, you got to call a repairman.

Here, start looking.

All right, B, B, B, boiler.

Let's party.

Let's go wild.

There's not enough room to dance.

Let's take a furniture out of the room.

Maybe later, Bobby.

Maybe later.

I'll get it.

It's Eugene and Melvin.

Melvin, Melvin.

I thought you said she was warm for your form.

Yes, she is.

Her lips say no, no, but her eyes say yes, yes.

Hey, Chachi.

How you doing, huh?

Everybody, listen up for a minute.

I've decided that the party can go on.

All right, let's party.

Yeah, well, there's a few rules that we have.

We have to go along with, all right?

Oh, come on.

Now, all right, now, look.

It's not going to make the party any less fun.

Yeah, this is great.

Next week and all done.

Gosh, Eugene.

Sure know where the action is.

Look, if you're not having fun, you can leave.

Joanie, nobody said we weren't having fun.

Oh, a ringing doorbell.

That's fun.

I'll get it.

Rudy to the rescue.

Who died?

I'm having a party.

Do they know?

You must be Rudy.

What does that say, Liberace?

So where's the busted boiler?

Oh, it's in the basement.

Good.

You want me to dig through the floor?

You got stairs.

Oh, oh, uh, follow me.

Uh, Chachi.

So, can you fix it?

Are you kidding?

My mother didn't name me Rudy to the rescue for nothing.

Yeah, well, uh, listen.

Rudy to the rescue.

What's this gonna cost?

Well, you're in luck.

Rudy's got a special this weekend.

Only $199.95.

$200?

No.

$199.95.

Listen, I don't think my parents would
want me to spend that much money.

Okay, it's been nice meeting you.

Joanie, I don't even know if you have that kind of money.

Do you?

Well, my dad left me that blank check in case of emergency.

Come again?

What's the matter?

I'm sorry.

When I hear blank check, the blood rushes to my head.

I'll get started.

Well, wait a minute.

Hey, I could take the baby to a hotel and
this can wait until Monday, right?

Well, you see, what you got here is your
standard Crookshank galvanized pipes.

Now, Crookshank was an idiot.

And in this weather, if there's no heat going through these
pipes, then the water in this pipe freezes and expands.

So?

So.

They could boist.

Boist?

That's right, you could be doing sea hunt
down in your basement.

You know what?

This happened in my mother's building.

Really?

Yeah, it cost her two grand.

Two grand?

Yeah, listen, you better listen to him.

He knows.

Joanie, that green lamp upstairs, is that an antique?

No.

That's a load off my mind.

You got any glue?

What?

Never mind, I'll find it.

Miss, miss, miss, you gotta decide.

You gotta decide.

It's just $200 an hour, it's $2,000 later.

It's up to you.

Joanie, you better get up here.

Quick, the baby's crying.

Well, can't I wait?

I gotta get the baby.

Hey, it makes no never mind to me.

I can save your house, or I can save somebody else's.

All right, all right, all right, save mine.

I don't know why I'm so nervous.

$200.

Sorry, I'll tell you what to do.

You go up to your room, I'll talk to your father,
you push your bed right in front of the door.

I spent the money, I'm gonna tell him.

I'm very proud of you.

Thanks.

All right, I'll take a look.

Thanks.

You know, it's them crookshank pipes.

The guy was an idiot.

You know, sweetie, if it's any
consolation, I just want you to know that

your best friend in the world, Jenny
Piccalo, will be right here, right by your side.

Hi, we're home.

See you, Jones.

Did everything go okay, dear?

Yeah, just fine.

The baby's cold is all gone.

Wow, Dad, did you lose some weight?

You look great.

No, as a matter of fact, I gained four pounds.

Well, on you, it looks good.

I don't know how it happened.

Want a bagel?

No.

Those are forever.

I know, but... Oh, those pumpernickels.

Well, did you have a nice weekend here?

Oh, yeah.

Well, enough about me.

How was New York?

Are we gonna move there?

No, no, I turned the job down.

We got off to a bad start.

We took a cab from the airport and he
showed us some sights.

Like Boston.

Well, it sure is good having you guys home.

Thanks.

So, any trouble with the boiler?

Sure.

Go ahead, blame me.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

Well, the repairman was threatening to
leave and the baby was crying.

Sweetheart, what are you talking about?

The boiler, it broke down and I had to call Rudy
to the rescue and he charged me $200 to fix it.

What?

I don't understand.

I don't understand you.

I leave you alone for one minute and what do you do?

You throw open the window and you holler, hey,
everybody, I got a blank check, come and cheat me.

Dad, I don't know anything about mechanical stuff.

Well, then why don't you listen to me when
I explain these things?

Because, Howard, you just explained them to Richie.

Yeah.

You man, you just love to have your little secrets about...

Boilers and plumbing and turtle waxing and...

And then you get mad at us women because
we don't know anything.

Oh, I'm sorry, Joanie, I didn't mean to yell at you.

It's just that the whole thing hit me so hard.



Boy, that's almost what I spent for the cab ride.

Joanie!

Oh, look at that, the happy wanderers are back.

Yeah, hi, Fonz.

How you doing?

So I went down there to look at the boiler, huh?

You know what I found?

Bagels!

Will you tell me what did you find?

All right.

$200 well spent that Joanie hadn't thought
fast could have cost you $2,000.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sweetheart, I knew you'd make the right decision.

Tomorrow I'm going to teach you how to turtle land.

Isn't that wonderful, Howard?

Isn't that wonderful?

Look at that, she's really growing up.

Aw, you were always the baby.

It wasn't so bad when Mitchie grew up
because I still had you as the baby.

But now you're not the baby anymore.

Why don't we let the baby be the baby?

Well, perfect.

Why don't we go and see the baby?

Oh, yes!

Aw, Joanie, I'm proud of you.

I knew you'd make the right decision under
tremendous pressure.

Aw, thanks, Dad.

We used to have a green lamp in this room.

Oh, oh, we'll talk about that later.

I want you to see how well I took care of the baby.

Broke it?

The baby's just fine.

Oh, by the way, uh, how was the teacher's convention?

I had such a weekend, I can't believe it.





Oh, boy, I wish I could have seen that.

Meet me up at my apartment, I'll be there in an hour.

I say this calls for action, and now, nip it in the bud.

You gotta nip them things in the bud.

I'm gonna get my bud nipper and go over
there and nip some bud.

There's only one way to take care of it.

Nip it in the bud.

That bud is nipped.

There's no place like TV Land.

Nip it.

Can I get life insurance at my age, in my health?

I'd like to leave my loved ones with a
little something when I'm gone,

but I'm afraid I'm too old to get life insurance.

If you're like these nice folks and
thought life insurance after 45 was

impossible to get or impossible to afford,
I've got good news.

If you're 45 to 79, Physician's Life
guarantees you up to $10,000 of permanent

modified whole life insurance designed to
help your family with the expenses they will face.

You cannot be turned down because of your health.

You can buy this insurance policy if you're 45 to


Just $1 pays for your first full month of protection.

After that, you can continue at a monthly
renewal rate that can never go up.

Plus, your coverage can never be canceled
because of your age or health.

Easy to get and easy to afford.

Now let me tell you why this protection is so important.

All of us someday may leave behind expenses for our lives.

There's no escaping it.

These expenses can easily add up to thousands of dollars.

You know, some people even expect the
government to take care of these expenses.

But the fact is, Social Security currently
pays a death benefit of just $255,

and only if you qualify.

That's why I urge you to take a look at this coverage.

It's one sure way you can help leave your
loved ones with dollars instead of debts.

I'm proud to be their paid spokesperson.

This is one phone call your loved ones
will be thankful for later.

So call right now.

To get your free information kit directly
by mail, call toll-free 1-800-258-5900.

That's 1-800-258-5900.

There's no cost or obligation.

You're just calling for information.

We're here when you need us.

Physicians Live.

Dad, this is dumb.

It's go time.

Oh, boy.

Here's one way to get computer help.

Target in sight.

Can I help you?

Not a word of this to your mother.

Hang on.

Here we go.

What do you want from me?

I want you to make this.

Go away.

Please.

Don't go there.

Go down.

Hey, there's a reason people gave Dylan.



First, Dell makes rock-solid PCs.

Then, they stand behind them 24-7.

Like this Dimension desktop with an Intel
Pentium 4 processor.

It's just $499 after mail-in rebate.

And right now, pay no interest till 2005.

Plus, get a free CD-DVD burner.

A PC you can rely on.

Thank you!

Easy as death.

Dell PCs use Intel Pentium 4 processors.

Howard, where are you?

I ran right over as soon as I heard you came back.

I brought my cream cheese.

I brought my tights.

Ready?

What are you talking about, Al?

My bagels.

Did you bring my bagels?

Oh, your bagels.

Sure, they're right here on the counter.

Great, that's great.

Why, I don't believe this.

Marion, call the police.

We've been robbed.

Say, you ate them, didn't you?

Yes.

You ate them!

I'm sorry, Howard.

I blanked out for just a second.

Come on, sit down.

Tell me.

Tell me how they taste.

Don't leave anything.

I can't do this.

I wonder how they taste.

All right, put down that butter knife.

Okay, I did exactly what you told me to do.

I went to Bernie's bright and early in the morning.

Nice and clean.

Oh, boy, and they were piping hot.

Oh, you can't touch it.

And then I rushed back to the hotel,
and I cut them open with a knife,

and I put a little butter and a little
cream cheese and a little lox in the hole.

Oh!

Yeah, yeah.

Little bites are big bites.

Well, I started out with... Little bites, but then I just
couldn't control myself, and I found myself popping

them into my mouth left and right like peanut.

Stop it, stop it.

What is it?

Start over.

Stay tuned for another episode of Happy
Days on TV Land's Twice as Nice.

It's not going to be nice.

It's going to be wild.

No, Potsie.

It's going to be nice.

Twice as nice.

Happy Days Happy Days Happy Days Happy Days Happy Days.