09x11 - Hello, Tough Guy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

It's my party and a cry for one.

You will have two.

Oh, hi, Marcy.

Do as usual.

Three cokes.

Right.

Hey, Jenny, I'm sorry.

Now, if you're gonna dub with us at the
concert, you're gonna have to have your own date.

Date?

We can't share Chachi.

Don't worry, I'll have a date.

Freddy's gonna come through.

Freddy is not gonna come through.

Yes, he is.

Now, he just might reconsider.

He only turned me down because he had some
other silly engagement.

Jenny, his other engagement is that he's engaged.

He's getting married Sunday.

All right, fine.

It'll just be like always.

Two people laughing, me crying my little heart out.

Let's go play some music, Chachi.

All right.

Here's some change.

Go play My Heart Bleeds For You.

Thanks, Chachi.

Let's pick it together.

All right.

Next time you kick me, wear sneakers, all right?

Don't wear those pointed shoes.

Chachi, you've got to give Jenny a date.

Why?

Because she has no life.

The only time she goes out is with us.

Chachi, she could have dates, but the girl wants greatness.

She wants football captains and track stars and, uh... Me!

Yeah, face it.

The girl is fishing in the wrong pond.

Look, Joanie, everybody I know already has
a date for the concert.

Well, except, uh...

Hey, hiya, guys!

Well,

you won't do that when I'm a senator.

Maybe we could get her to lower her sights.

I don't know.

Eugene's a pretty big drop.

She may need a parachute.

Listen, you go talk to Eugene.

I'll talk to Miss Lonely Heart.

Yeah, all right.

Hey, Belvin.

Jenny?

No?

Uh, what I'm about to suggest is for your own good.

What?

Well, you're gonna be a lot happier if you
go to the concert with your own date.

So you're gonna have to lower your standards.

How low?

Hi, Jenny.

That low?

Let me say that your radiant beauty is
more than these mortal eyes can behold.

My soul is blind.

Shut up, Eugene, and get to the point.

I certainly will.

Would you do me the great honor of
accompanying me to the Chuck Berry concert?

I'm sorry I can't.

I have a headache.

Oh, when'd you get that?

As soon as you asked me to the concert.

Wow, what a coincidence.

All right, I'll go with you.

Wow, cowabunga!

Oh, I have to leave.

I feel dizzy.

I've got to go.

I'll be beat up.

Oh, a breeze in a paper bag.

It always helps me.

Why don't you stick your head in it and blow yourself up?

Thank you.

I'll get Jenny to come down and you get Eugene to come up.

Maybe they can meet somewhere in the middle, okay?

Johnny, aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, hi, Johnny.

Look at this, nobody... Oh, Eugene was here.

Fonz, I got a fortune in here.

Yeah, what is it?

What is it, Al?

You remember, I told you I wanted to get
something in here to make this place really classy?

Yeah.

Okay, you ready?

Here we go.

Gumballs are going to give us clicks.

Not gumballs, antiques, Fonz.

How much, Al?

A mere hundred dollars.

A hundred dollars is a good buy.

Yeah, right.

Good buy to a hundred dollars.

Try it out.

Give it a try.

I didn't get anything, Al.

No.

Try it again.

Stop that, would you?

You don't shake an antique.

Would you shake a little old lady?

She didn't give me a gumball, yeah.

Hey, Fonz, I need your advice.

I'll give you some.

Don't put any money in that machine.

No, but it's about Eugene.

How can we make him more manly so that Jenny will like him?

You can.

Anything else?

No, go ahead.

See you.

Fonz, listen, you know, Chachi, I was just thinking, I've
owned this comb now nine years, it never touched my hair.

Never?

No.

How do you do that?

Each one of these babies is trained, huh?

Good boys.

Fonz, can we talk now?

Or do you want to be alone with your hair?

Sure, Bill Wanska, it's just my office, you know.

Come on, Fonz, look, I need some suggestions for Eugene.

Hey, I thought we settled that.

I do not dwell on a hopeless.

But it's for Eugene.

That poor girl's got no life.

Now, it's not that I want to make Eugene
Charles Atlas or anything.

It's just that Jenny's going to think he's
more of a man, you know?

I didn't realize we were dealing with deception here.

Yeah.

In that case, the Barufi Sting, use it in health.

What exactly is the Barufi Sting?

You don't know what the Barufi Sting is?

No.

Remember Rocky Barufi?

Oh, yeah, he's in the Falcons.

Isn't he the one that used to grab me by my ankle?

And dangle me off the roof?

He's a very fun guy, you know, but not very tough.

He used to go down to the beach and girls
would kick sand in his face, you know.

He needed a social rep.

He needed more of a date than just his sister, you know.

So, he meets this Buffy Mandel and falls in love, right?

But every time he asked her out,
she would dump beer down his pants.

Now, he liked it, but he wanted more of a relationship.

Now, I can understand that.

So, we go to this place where Buffy Mandel
hangs out, right?

And I start to wonder, you insult her,
and Buffy, and Buffy, you know,

she gets crazy, and then Rocky takes a
swing at me, you know?

And you decked him, right?

No, no, no, no, no.

Why is everything so simple to me and so
complicated to everybody else?

Oh, because you're the Fonz.

Yes, I am.

Anyway, Rocky Beruffi takes a swing,
I go down for the count, Rocky's a hero,

Buffy is impressed, and she starts to date him.

She's dating him?

Dates him.

She marries him.

She married him?

What are you, a parrot?

Oh.

You mean her name now is Buffy Beruffi?

Are you kidding me?

What am I wasting my time for?

It's a good plan.

Take it or leave it.

No, it's a great plan.

I'll take it.

Yeah.

I'll take it.

All right.

Oh, listen.

I'll go tell Eugene right now that you're
going to take a dive for him.

Hold it.

Right here.

Rocky Beruffi is my blood brother.

Uh-huh.

Eugene is another form of life.

Does that tell you anything?

It tells me you won't do it.

And who will?

Just stay down long enough to make it convincing.

You think I can do it, Mr. C?

Well, sure.

As long as you make it look real.

Let's see you do it.

All right.

Let's test it right now, Eugene.

Okay, now we're sitting in Arnold's and I
say, um, boy, Jenny, that's a nice looking dress.

Did it come with a Halloween mask?

Eugene!

Stop that.

Listen, you're not supposed to laugh.

You're supposed to tell me not to make fun
of your girl and then take a swing at me.

Remember that.

Can you believe this man is going to go to Harvard?

Let's try it again, okay?

Okay, here it goes.

How dare you speak to this beautiful young lady that way.

Good.

You see, she would be sitting at Arnold's right now.

I got it, dear.

And you're swinging me, you think.

Oh, yeah, right.

This is going to do.

Great.

Sorry, sorry.

I don't have much experience.

If I make a fist, I black out.

That's no use.

I'm always a failure.

I'll never get to grow all my dreams.

Chachi, come over here.

Now, look, the first thing you got to do is
you got to keep your back to Jenny, you see?

That way you can hide the punch with your
shoulder, like this.

Oh, oh, Chachi, Chachi, Chachi, Chachi.

You okay?

You all right, Chachi?

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

You missed me by a mile.

Boy, it's so real.

This is going to be neat.

Oh, you are terrific.

Boy, Jenny's going to be real impressed.

Thank you, Mr. Cunningham.

Please, please, accept this pen as a symbol
of thanks for what you have done for me.

Thanks, Mr. C.

It's got a picture of Abraham Lincoln on it.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Turn it upside down.

Watch his beard grow.

All right, just another moment here,
and she's going to be all hanky-danky.

Ah, there you go.

Now give it a try.

Again with the shaking?

You're supposed to put a penny in there.

Not my penny.

Oh, I've heard it.

All right, here you go.

You got my favorite.

I think it's bad.

Yellow.

Huh?

What's the matter?

How old is this machine?

Today, I think it's got to be at least 75 years old.

It's amazing what 75 years can do to a gumball.

I'm going to get this out of here.

No, it's in there real good.

Oh, good, there she is.

You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Here we go.

The roofie stays.

Hi.

Hi.

Where's Joanie?

Oh, she's in the bathroom getting old gum out of her teeth.

Hi, Pinky Bear.

Hi.

Now?

Not now.

Not now.

I'm glad we caught you here.

Say, Jenny, tell me something.

With, uh...

With legs that skinny, do you find it hard
standing up in a strong wind?

You want I should beat him up, huh?

Are you kidding?

You'd clean your plow.

Eugene, what are you waiting for?

I asked her if she wanted me to beat you up.

She said no.

Well, don't let her ask this time, okay?

Eugene.

Eugene, darling, why don't you make yourself useful?

Go over to the jukebox and play Blue Moon.

You like that song?

Yes.

Boy, only a jerk would like that song.

Um, you're speaking about...

The woman I love.

You say one more bad thing about her,
one thing, and I'll give you a good sound ration.

Okay.

Okay.

Is that your face or did your neck throw up?

That's it, that's it.

Oh, come on, Arcola.

Okay, come on, come on.

Oh, come on, Arcola.

Neck, what's that kind of thing?

Okay.

Okay, come on.

Oh, shut up.

What?

Is he hurt?

I think he's dead.

How can you tell the difference?

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You know guys, you've got me.

Your favorite cousin of all time to thank
for bringing the whole family here.

Sure, our parents always talked about
taking us on a Walt Disney World vacation,

but they never got around to it.

So when I heard that grown-ups can get a
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You know, Grandma, you've got me.

Your best grandson ever to thank for
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This is Merton Grundy.

He was only small change at the bank,
but recently he started to change his image.

He got the newest design in band, Ford
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A wild and woolly paint job, and he customized Ford's
spacious front room especially for his special friends.

Get a Ford and do your own thing.

Ford.

The closer you look, the better she look,
uh, the better we look.

Jenny, why don't you just give Eugene a break?

You know, he tries so hard to make you like him.

Jones, the man, is a geek.

I cannot believe he'd think I would buy
that charade of his.

I mean, the guy sucks his thumb in study hall.

Oh, he does not.

Yes, he does.

No, he just bites his nails.

I've seen him.

When he thinks no one is looking, the thumb goes right in.

Come in.

Hi.

Oh.

Anybody still mad at me?

Just us two.

Well, it might show you have to know that the,
uh, x-rays show that Eugene's arm isn't broken.

It's just sprained.

So he's gonna drop the lawsuit against you.

And now for the good news.

We can still all double date to the,
uh, Chuck Berry concert.

Oh, good.

I'm not going to the concert with that whip.

Aw, Jimmy.

Come on.

The man is humiliated enough.

Now, if you go to the concert with him, it'll
give him back a little bit of his dignity, you know?

I know.

Think of it as a mercy date.

No, he really does care for you.

Besides, you know, I feel a little guilty
for beating him up.

Just go to the concert with him.

Give him one happy moment in his pitiful little life.

Well, all right.

I'll go.

Yeah?

But if he tries to kiss me goodnight,
I will rip his lips off.

You blow the Barofi's thing.

It happens.

No, it doesn't.

Not since the cave times has it happened, huh?

Move over.

So, huh?

k*ller Cunningham.

How'd you do it?

Want to go a couple rounds?

Fonz.

Huh?

Well, Dad taught me the self-defense stuff
you learn in the army.

Yeah?

You know, when I thought Chachi was really
hurt, I guess I went crazy.

You're cute, Fonz.

Fonz, you gotta see how humiliating Eugene is.

You can't believe it.

I know, I know.

I saw some Girl Scouts pelting him with cookies.

Oh.

Is there something you can do?

No, not a zipper-oony.

I'll tell you something.

Spending time with Eugene is the last time
I can accomplish more than a coma.

Oh, Fonz.

Fonz, little girls pelting him with cookies.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, hold it.

I'll meet you down here.

A favor you could do me.

After the concert, go eat at Vinnie's, all right?

It's right across the street from the stadium.

Do that for me, will ya?

How would that be doing you a favor?

Well, look.

I don't want him in Arnold's, you understand?

When people see him, they throw garbage at him.

He messes up my restaurant.

Oh, right.

Vinnie, Vinnie.

I'll go to Vinnie's.

Josh.

Are you sure this is the place Fonzie was talking about?

Well, it's the only, uh, Vinnie's across from the stadium.

I guess this is it.

Well, why would he send us to a place like this?

He didn't want Eugene in Arnold's.

You punks, come in here.

Either eat or just soak up the atmosphere.

Ah, this place was highly recommended.

We'd like a table for four.

Table for four, huh?

You better hurry before it's taken.

Thanks.

Garçon, garçon.

Would you like a menu, please?

Menu?

Menu?

Ha!

You can't smell it.

We ain't got it.

We got beer, and we got chili.

You're too young to buy beer.

And if you don't like chili, feed it.

Let's have four chilis.

Yeah, good choice.

I guess I'll take my coat off now and show the bod.

Let me help you, pookie bear.

Hey, you bumped me.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Very sorry.

I didn't mean to... Hey!

Hey, you did it again.

You did it again.

Al, I'm sure it was an accident, okay?

There ain't no accidents.

Only victims.

Well, heck, I'm sure we can all be friends.

Here, accept this nickel.

Quarter.

You want to step outside, four eyes?

Well, I can use the fresh air.

Oh, I get it.

This is another setup.

I suppose you paid this gorilla to take a
dive for you, right?

Your old lady is calling me a gorilla.

I don't beat up broads.

That means I gotta beat you up.

Come on, my chili's getting cold.

Well, look, pardon me, sir.

You know, I think we can discuss this like a
couple of adults over a nice bowl of hot chili.

What do you say?

Get it.

I can't.

I can't stop it.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Well, you guys must really think I'm gullible.

I suppose when you come back in here, you're
gonna tell me Eugene beat up this creep, right?

Now she's calling me a creep.

I'm gonna hurt you bad.

Jenny, be nice to the man, please.

This is really silly.

Now, watch.

No, no, no.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, stop!

We are gonna die.

That is very convincing, Chachi.

Really, that's a great act.

Jones, get a load of this.

No, no, no.

It's all an act.

And that was a very convincing one.

You gonna be first buzzard breath?

Wait, wait, wait.

How about you?

Possibly.

Listen, I think, um, I think if anybody's
into the fighting here, it should be me, okay?

Why?

I can defend myself.

Well, for a few seconds.

Look, when I'm busy with this guy,
you run out of here and call the police.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Ambulance.

Come on.

Here.

Hold my jacket.

Oh!

Oh, gosh.

Oh.

Hey!

That's not fair!

Let him go!

Hey!

Hey, that's my friend!

Am I winning?

No!

Hey!

Oh, hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Eugene!

Eugene!

You were wonderful.

Why?

What happened?

Oh, Eugene, you were terrifying.

You acted like a... a person.

Does this mean you'll go out with me again?

Call me.

Jenny!

On the telephone, Eugene.

Listen, you two lovebirds, I think we should
get out of here before this guy comes too, okay?

No need, no need.

Look, we ordered some chili, so you might
as well sit down and enjoy our meal, huh?

Oh!

So where is it?

Where is the music at?

The briefcase is safe in my custody.

Good.

Now bring it to me immediately.

Hi-ya!

MTV2, I should have known.

You'll never get away with this, Shearer.

I believe I already have.

MTV2!

Where the music's at!

Hey, guys, look!

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We're working through lunch.

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Max, glad you're working the lunch shift.

I work any time.

Maalox Max.

When you have it all, treat it all.

Dad, this is dumb.

It's go time.

Oh, boy.

Here's one way to get computer help.

Target in sight.

Can I help you?

Not a word of this to your mother.

Hang on.

Here we go.

What do you want from me?

I want you to make this.

Go away.

Please.

Please.

Don't go there.

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Come on, guys.

Time for bed.

I'm amazed, Mom.

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Hello?

Thank you.

Very good job, huh?

Thanks, Fonz.

Vinnie, I don't know how to thank you.

Hey, Fonz, you always came through for me.

Can't must have been a good friend of yours, Fonz.

No, no, it's my curse to take care of the
less fortunate, you know?

Just think of me as the Statue of Liberty.

Give me your poor, give me your tired,
give me your hungry, give me your jerks.

Hey, Fonz.

Yeah?

One time.

No, I got it.

Come on, Fonz, one time.

Yeah.

Oh, all right.

Up next, it's an all-in-the-family hour.

Yep, back-to-back bunkers.

Here's a family with real issues.

Like the Vietnam w*r, Watergate, Women's
Lib, you name it, and they'll fight about it next.