10x09 - There's No Business Like No Business

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

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♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
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♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

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[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

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♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
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♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

That's for sale.

Look, Mr. C, I gotta talk to you about something here.

Well, I've been working here for over a
year now, and I really think I deserve a raise.

I can't give you a raise, Potsie.

In fact, one of us has got to go.

I didn't know things were that bad.

What do you want to do, draw straws?

Well, I thought since the place is called
Cunningham Hardware that maybe I should stay.

You let me go?

Why, I pay for everything I break.

Yeah, and ever since the new mall opened
up, that's the only money I've made.

I'm sorry, Potsie, I just can't afford you anymore.

What can I do?

I'll work for free.

Nothing, anything.

Well, that's very nice of you,
but I couldn't ask you to do that.

Whew, what a relief.

If you said yes, I wouldn't have had to
drop out of college and get a job to work here.

See ya.

Oh, uh, Potsie.

Yeah?

Do you mind letting me have your keys to the store?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I meant to tell you about that.

You see, I lost them down by the docks, but don't
worry, it has the store's name and address on them.

Hey, Fonzie, look what Roger gave me.

Hey, let me tell you something, everybody
pays cash, no exceptions, understand that?

Oh, you poor little things, you swim all your
lives and you can't make it to the Olympics.

Coffee, Arnold?

No, thanks, Potsie, I just had a cup.

Bye!

Cool.

Hey, guys, how you doing?

Hey, aren't you supposed to be working today?

Mr. C let me go, shop's going under.

That's terrible.

No, I got another job down at the mall, nails and pails.

Ah, what a great place to work.

They got a bowling team, a dental plan,
and I get to take a lie detector test.

Not you, not you, it's terrible that Mr.
Cunningham is going under, isn't it?

Right, right.

Yes, yes, and I'll tell you something,
it's happening all over.

You see, the small mom and pop
entrepreneurs, they can't compete with the

altering patterns of urban demographics or
the large national franchise operations.

No, I think it's because everyone's shopping at the mall.

Poor Mr. C's going broke.

Listen, come on.

Come on, let's get over to Cunningham's house.

Yeah, good idea.

Hold it, hold your ground right there, huh?

In a time like this, the man's got to be
with his immediate family.

You're right.

I shall go.

Oh.

Aren't we related?

Yeah, of course you are.

You're brothers.

People say I'm dumb.

It's almost supper time.

We have spent the whole day at the mall.

Well, you know, we didn't have to stay for
the whole Christmas pageant.

Oh, but Casey...

How often do you get to see the
Clydesdales dance on their hind legs?

It's.

Supposed to come up to you next week.

Well, I finished with my finals early and
I couldn't wait to get here.

Oh, by the way, Chachi sends his love.

Oh, you look so cute.

Oh, I wish we'd known you were coming.

You could have gone shopping at the new mall with us.

There's a new mall?

Oh, wait till you see it.

Listen, they have a movie theater and they have
three department stores and they have a sausage shop.

Oh, and I got the cutest little A-line
dress with a little white Peter Pan collar.

Come on upstairs and I'll show it to you.

Okay.

Well, no, dear.

Joanie, my goodness, we haven't even talked yet.

Oh, Mom, I'll be here a week.

Well, then what are you worried about?

We've got plenty of time to talk.

Thank you.

Marion.

Oh, Howard.

Howard.

Guess what?

No, I got no time for games, Marion.

I got to talk.

I got to talk to you about something.

Maybe you'd better sit down.

Come on.

What?

What is it, Howard?

Well, it's about the hardware store, Marion.

You went shopping at Nails and Pails?

Well, you know, Howard, all the stores are so
close together, and, uh, I'll never go there again.

Well, you don't have to worry,
sweetheart, because, well, I... Daddy!

Sweetheart!

Oh, what a surprise!

Oh, darling, excuse me.

Dear, your father wants to talk to me.

Oh, Uncle Howard!

Look at my new dress!

What do you think?

It's beautiful.

Aunt Marion bought it for me.

You better take it off before you spill something on me.

Casey, keep it on.

Howard, I thought you would take the girls out to dinner.

Oh.

Dinner?

Out?

At a restaurant?

Oh, well, I mean, I just thought maybe Joanie
would prefer one of your home-cooked meals.

All I have is meatloaf.

That's a feast, Marion!

No one does it better!

Ah!

Fonzie, you're just in time for dinner.

I'll tell you something.

This is so touching.

I mean, you're on the brink of financial disaster, and
you're willing to share your last bit of bread with me?

Fonzie, please.

Oh!

Hi, Fonzie.

You come here when your father needs you the most, huh?

Yes.

What a daughter.

What a daughter.

She's a lovely girl.

She's a lovely girl.

Howard, what is Arthur talking about?

Well, that's what I tried to tell you when we were alone.

I'm not alone, Marion.

I'm afraid Cunningham Hardware is going to have to close.

Casey, take that off before you spill something on it.

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Oh, my goodness, I thought she was so
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So Olive Garden introduces new chicken and
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Olive Garden, when you're here, you're family.

Fonzie, that's not exactly how I planned
to tell everyone the bad news.

About a million sorries.

You know, I didn't know the cat was in the bag.

Howard, you always said hula hoops may
come and go, but hardware is forever.

Marion, just because you put something on
a business card, that doesn't mean it's true.

Howard, why didn't you tell us about it before now?

Because ever since I've had the store, I have
never brought my business problems home with me.

Of course, those were the days when I had a business.

Dad, I'm sure this is just a passing phase.

Things will get better, they always do.

Yeah, that's what I thought, sweetheart.

But I've been pouring good money after
bad into that store, and it's a losing proposition.

What do you mean, losing proposition?

That store straightened two kids' teeth,
sent them to college, put you on family

vacations, and we spent all those enjoyable
evenings watching them boring slides.

You know, life is funny.

A few years ago, I was a successful businessman, and Fonzie
was a delinquent trying to make a go out of his garage.

And now look at us.

His garage is prosperous, he's got a
half-interest in a popular restaurant,

he teaches school.

All right, I was lucky.

I was very, very lucky.

Sure.

All right, I was amazingly shrewd and wise.

Oh, Howard.

Howard, you've been in trouble before.

Remember, every cloud has a silver lining.

Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn.

Remember the Alamo.

K.C.

There were no survivors there.

Look, you people just don't seem to understand.

The store is not going to get any better,
and it's all my fault.

Daddy, don't say that.

They offered me space in that mall, and I turned it down.

I've taken a perfectly good business and
thrown it right into the sewer.

I'm sorry.

I think dinner's going to be a little late tonight.

Not if I can help it.

Whoa.

Fonzie, I've seen my father angry,
but I've never seen him scared.

You've always seen your father like a rock.

You know, when I was a little girl, I'd sit on the front
step every night and wait for him to get home from the store.

The minute he stopped that car,
I'd run up to him and start pestering to

play, touch the sky with me, and he'd never say no.

He'd put me in his arms, and he'd throw me
up in the air as high as he could and catch me.

And I knew that he'd always be strong
enough to, no matter how high I tried to fly.

But I don't understand it, Fonz.

I thought he'd always be that strong.

And then he'd never give up.

Get over here.

I don't like to see that.

All right, come here.

First of all, your father's very strong.

Second of all, you've got enough C's crying in this house.

And third of all, salty tears are very,
very bad for my leather.

Now listen, shortcake, your dad was there to catch you.

He was there to catch me.

All right, we've got a problem here.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

Dig it?

I'm telling you something.

He lost his confidence.

He lost his confidence for now.

So did Small put him on his duff for now.

You know, it is like the Lone Ranger and
the Cavendish g*ng.

You know, when they ambushed him and left him
with his buddies there, and they left him for dead.

Did he give up?

No, he did not give up.

With g*ns blazing, right?

And so will your dad.

I will make sure this store does not go down, huh?

Yo, I'm very excited, I'll tell you
something, 30 seconds to blast off,

all systems go, hey.

Oh, I love sales, there's so many things I
want to take home.

Uh, Marion, I think you better stay behind the counter.

Look, Fonzie, are you sure this thing is going to work?

Nobody shops at night.

Hey, the mall stays open till late, you stay open till


Now listen, I may be losing my business,
but I am not losing my mind.

Fonzie, I can't go.

They don't compete with nails and pails.

They got mass advertising, volume buying.

And have you heard their new commercials
with those little singing hammers?

Yeah, I love them.

It's overrated, Mr. C.

Let me tell you something.

They hired Potsie on his own merit.

You're right, I can do this.

Boom, let's go.

Huh?

Turn it now.

Oh, yeah, good.

Welcome to Cunningham Hardware.

Welcome.

Come on in.

Hey.

Come on, see, this looks like it might work.

Are you kidding me?

They're all hardware hungry, huh?

You take the store, I'll take the door.

Okay.

Let me tell you something about everybody
who's buying one of these, huh?

Thanks, but I really don't need one.

Yeah, right, get over here.

Let me tell you about these.

They are so much easier when you
buy them than if you... You digest them.

Four, four, I'll take four.

Of course you will.

There you go.

He's a very pretty blue.

Can I see you for a minute?

Of course, yeah.

Isn't this a great night?

Yeah, I appreciate what you're trying to do.

What am I doing?

You have brought all these people here.

There's not one legitimate customer in the place.

Hey, that is very unfair, Mr. Seagull.

I might have encouraged a few people, but I never saw him.

Uh, sir, come here.

You ever see my face?

No.

You know me?

No.

A legitimate customer.

You buy your heart out, take over.

Oh.

Well, you're Cunningham hardware, sir.

What can I do for you?

Well, I've been looking all over the place.

Can you tell me how to get to the mall?

You kidding me?

You're the boss, huh?

What a night.

What a night.

Talk about your free enterprise, huh?

Fonzie.

You.

The last three customers I had bought two
nails, a yard of string, and a cork.

Now, that's not free enterprise.

That's a scavenger hunt.

The ship has not sunk until the captain's
nose is under the water, huh?

And besides, I haven't made out my list yet, huh?

Gee.

Let's see here.

Oh, yeah.

I need one of these.

What is it?

That's, uh, I need one of these.

And, uh, I'll take, like, a whole case of these.

What are they?

Wingnuts.

Love them.

Love them.

Put them on my tab, will you?

Fonzie.

Yeah.

I appreciate all you've done, but you're not
gonna be able to bring people in here every day.

Wanna bet?

I appreciate it.

I'll have people here tomorrow morning.

When they run out of money, I'll have more people.

When they run out, there's always Europe.

See?

Oh, what a sale, Howard.

Another night like this, and you won't
even have to stay open during the day.

Nice try, Marion, but I know when I'm beaten.

Nope.

This is the end of Cunningham Hardware.

I'm gonna have to go and work for somebody else.

Maybe Nails and Pails will hire me, huh?

I can just see it now.

There I'll be.

Stocking shelves, and some young smart
aleck will be bossing me around.

Get a move on, Cunningham!

Oh, my God, I could be working for Potsie.

Oh, please, Howard, please.

You know the worst part about it, Marion?

All the time and the effort that I have
put into this store is added up to nothing.

Oh, don't say that.

Now, this might be the end of Cunningham
Hardware, but it's not the end of Howard Cunningham.

So what if you would have to work for somebody else?

I'd still love you.

I'd love you if you were a soda jerk,
if you were an Usher down at the theater,

if you were that man who cleans out the
toilets down at the bus station.

That's enough, Marion.

No, what I'm trying to say is that no matter
what happens, we always have each other.

And that's what counts.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Okay, now, Howard, come on, let's go home.

No, you go on ahead.

I'm going to close up here.

Oh, really?

Well, you hurry then, dear.

And I'll have some hot cocoa waiting for
you and a fire in the fireplace.

And when you get home, we can snuggle.

That's.

The last time you saw him?

Well, thank you, Arnold.

Good night.

No, I'm sure nothing bad has happened.

Oh, I'm sure something bad has happened.

Call it, Marion.

I don't know what to tell you, Mrs. C.

I asked everybody.

I've been everywhere.

Nobody's seen him.

Hi.

Oh, Howard!

Oh, Howard!

Are you hungry?

Are you hurt?

Are you drunk, Howard?

No, I'm fine, Marion.

In fact, I haven't felt this good in years.

Oh, I know it.

You're drunk.

I am not drunk, Marion.

Now, look, after I left the store, I was so depressed, I
decided to walk around for a while and think things over.

And I found myself in front of our old
apartment on Bradley Street.

And suddenly I had this powerful memory of
someone who used to live in that building.

Oh, really?

Old Mr. Metzger who ran a fish market out of his bedroom?

No, Marion.

Young Howard Cunningham who started a hardware business
on a shoestring and built it into a thriving enterprise.

I know that guy.

Yeah.

So then I kept on walking and I found
myself halfway across town.

And I came to this large pet shop.

They had a big sign in the window that said, for rent.

And that young Howard Cunningham inside of
me said, you belong in that store.

Oh, but Howard, you don't know anything
about the pet business.

Forget the pet business, Marion.

I'm going to move Cunningham Hardware into
that new location.

It's got plenty of parking in the back,
a loading zone out front, and there isn't

another hardware store around for five miles.

Oh, that's my dad talking.

Howard, relocating is expensive.

I mean, it won't be cheap getting rid of that doggy smell.

It's a big move.

Now, isn't that risky?

Of course it's risky, but the ship has never
sunk until the captain's nose is underwater.

I told him to say that.

Marion, we're going to have to refinance the house.

Oh, why?

Howard, we just finished paying off a 20-year mortgage.

I mean, it took us 20 years to do it.

That means we're going to have to start all over again.

Oh, my.

Yeah, listen, a very important convo is
going down here, so girls, please.

Oh, sure.

They need to talk alone.

Oh, well, listen upstairs.

All right, let's talk.

I don't, I wish I could, but I got to go upstairs
and lay my stuff out for tomorrow morning, huh?

Don't let the butt bugs bite you.

I don't know.

Our home.

Why don't you just sell us to the baker?

Marion, listen to me.

When we lived in that apartment, I
didn't know the first thing about hardware.

But we scrimped and we saved and we risked
everything we had.

And we built that into a thriving business.

I know I can do it again, Marion.

I know that we can do it again.

Now, what do you say?

Oh, Howard, there's a fire in your eye.

And I love it when there's a fire in your eye.

It means there's smoke in your chimney.

When there's smoke in your chimney,
it means there's wood in your pile.

And when there's wood in your
pile... That's enough, sweetheart.

Can we refinance the house?

Oh, Howard, of course we can.

Oh, Howard.

You know, guys, you've got me, your favorite cousin
of all time, to thank for bringing the whole family here.

Sure, our parents always talked about
taking us on a Walt Disney World vacation,

but they never got around to it.

So when I heard that grown-ups can get a
vacation planning kit for free,

I told my mom, and she called 1-800-332-8338 and got it.

She couldn't believe all the new things
there were for everyone to do.

Then again, how could you not have a good time down here?

Where else could you eat breakfast with Mickey?

Even Aunt Lorelai's acting like a kid.

I helped make that happen.

And how about those rooms?

Right in the middle of everything for $77 a night.

You're the man, Bobby.

To order your free Walt Disney World
vacation planning kit, call 1-800-332-8338.

But hurry, supplies are limited.

You know, Grandma, you've got me, your best grandson
ever, to thank for bringing the whole family together.

Do you have a minute for a cup of coffee, a beer?

How about a milkshake?

A milkshake.

No one ever gave Jackie Callen a chance.

Stick to what you know.

You're a secretary.

So she took one on herself.

You're a woman.

You ain't never managed nobody in your whole life.

I said they were nothing to worry about.

Meg Williams.

I'm not gonna disappear just because I
make some people uncomfortable.

Omar Epps.

Do you always talk like this?

Talk like what?

Too much.

Against the ropes.

You gotta leave some room for sleep.

Haven't you slept enough, son?

Rated PG-13.

Starts Friday, February 20th.

Only in theaters.

Plan A.

Walk two miles before kids get up.

Plan A.

Watch what I eat today.

Plan E.

Equal.

It plays a delicious part in a healthy lifestyle.

That little part you can do every day.

Okay.

Plan A.

Try new exercise equipment.

Plan E.

Equal.

Easy.

Every day.

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Pick a ripe box today.

Howard, what are you doing?

I got plans, Marion.

Yeah, not in front of Joanie.

No, I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about floor plans for Cunningham Hardware City.

Oh, yeah?

Hardware City?

Yeah, well, it was Pet City.

This way I get to save half a side.

Oh, but we're just gonna pack them in, huh?

Right, Dad.

I'm so proud of you.

And I just want you to know that,
um, I never thought you'd give up.

That's why daddies love daughters.

No.

That's why daughters love daddies.

Uh-huh.

Mr. C!

Mr. C!

I heard about the store.

When do I start?

Okay, who told?

Welcome back, Potsie.

Oh.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Up next, it's the Brady Bunch,
and Kitty Carryall is missing.

But today, the two Kitty Carryalls seen in this episode are
safe at home with Brady Actresses Susan Olsen and Eve Plum.

Stay tuned for episode number seven.

Oh, baby.

These happy days are yours and mine.

These happy days are yours and mine.

Happy days.

Happy days.

Happy days.

Thank you.