10x17 - I'm Not at Liberty

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

We're never gonna play with you,
you're never gonna play with me.

Three weeks of Army Reserve Action.

Duty, it could have come at a worse time.

Potsie, the reserves are today's Minutemen.

I, for one, am honored to be going.

Yeah, yeah, well, maybe you don't have anything
better to do, but I'm scheduled for root canal surgery.

And I was looking forward to it.

All right, Fonzarelli, freeze.

You're in violation of section 29B.

Your motorcycle's parked in a loading zone.

Observe, I am unloading.

Hey, Arnold, here are the straws you wanted.

Aw, jeez.

Thanks, Fonzie.

Boy, I sure was getting tired washing them old ones.

You see that?

There's no violation here.

Why don't you go and arrest Bambi for being an orphan?

One day, Fonzarelli, you're not going to be able to
shamelessly cover behind the skirts of your legal right.

Kirk, Kirk, get over here.

Hurry.

Hurry up.

Don't go out there alone.

There's a leash law in this city now.

Hey, Fonz.

Well, Fonz, looks like you're not going to be
seeing much of me for the next couple of weeks.

Oh, sh**t.

I had so many things planned for just the two of us.

Well, what he's trying to say is, well, Fonzie and I have
been called for the reserve duty at Camp Woldenberg.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You're going to camp?

Well, make sure your mother sews little
name tags in your underwear.

Right?

Fonzie, one's military obligation is no laughing matter.

Wait a minute.

I happen to be very patriotic.

I try to join up during the Cuban blockade, right?

Yeah, what happened?

Well, my knee ain't what it used to be
after that motorcycle jump.

Yeah, that was one stupid stunt.

But extremely inspiring.

Oh, there you are, Fonzie.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

This letter just came for you.

I think it's very important, so I ran it right over here.

It's from the Department of Defense.

Yeah, I can see that.

Yeah, it must be a thank-you note.

I sent them some ideas to soup up their tank.

Wow.

What's so funny?

Are you kidding?

They're asking me to come there to Camp Wallenberg.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'm going to go home right now and sew
name tags in your underwear.

I mean, come on.

I ain't in the Army.

I'm not even in the Reserves.

I didn't make it into Captain Midnight's secret squadron.

Well, I am.

I'm not going.

When I thought there was a w*r, I tried to join up.

And then when peace broke out, I made plans.

Oh.

I mean, what are they going to do?

They're going to teach me how to fight?

Fonzie, you can't just ignore the United States Army.

Uh, Ashley, don't you worry about it.

Howard is going to get Arthur out of this.

He is an expert at getting out of things.

In 20 years, he hasn't put up the storm windows.

Marion, do you mind?

I'm on the phone to Washington.

If you go into the Army, that means you
won't be coming to my birthday on Saturday.

No, it doesn't.

Sweetie Pie, I will be at your party, you understand?

I could be in the deepest, darkest jungles in Austria.

I hope so.

When I blow out my candles, I want Mommy
on one side and you on the other.

I am very touched.

I am.

I'm touched.

Fonzie, maybe you should... Maybe
you should make promises you can't keep.

Let me tell you something.

There are three people in this world you can count on.

Me, the Pope, and a lone ranger.

Yeah, well, thanks anyway, Homer.

I hope things work out for you.

Yeah.

Well, that was Homer Buford, my old army buddy.

He works at the Pentagon.

You see that?

Don't get your tummy tied up in knots.

Unfortunately, he's just been arrested for
giving secrets to the Russians.

I'm going to put together some pictures.

For you to put in your locker.

You're going to have to report just as ordered.

I'll tell you something.

Let's grab ahold of ourselves here, will you?

I mean, there are thousands of people all over the world in
the army, you know, defending our beaches for democracy.

I ain't going to miss one very cute guy from Milwaukee.

There's a cute one of Richie and Joanie in the tub.

Good evening, sir.

We have orders to pick up one private Arthur Fonzarelli.

Are you Arthur Fonzarelli?

Ha!

No, but bless you for asking.

No, he's that one cute fellow over there from Milwaukee.

You better come with us, soldier.

Yeah, uh, listen, gentlemen.

It's not that I don't want to go, you know.

I never saw trees walk before.

It's just that it's the weekend, you know.

I got plans.

Like, Monday.

I'm available Monday.

Now?

Yes, indeed, now.

h*, h*, h*, h*, h*, h*, h*.

I have seen, I have seen more pictures.

I know the guy gets the picture.

I have to kiss his girl goodbye.

You'd be a fool not to.

Then they go to the train station,
and she has to run alongside the train,

but the train is going so fast they can't
kiss, so they just touch hands.

That's when Howard always says...
You're making a spectacle of yourself, Marion.

That's what he always says.

Now, listen, Heather, don't you worry about your party.

I will be there.

This is a mistake, you understand?

I'll be back hour, hour and a half, all right?

Hey, guys.

Yes, down, down, down, down.

I don't want to be too pushy, but do you mind if I drive?

Yeah, okay.

I don't believe this place.

Hey, Fonz.

I hit the wall like this, I launch the m*ssile.

That's great, Fonz.

What are you doing here?

Hey, don't get too excited, all right?

This is a mistake.

I'm going to be out of here faster than you can see.

Audie Murphy.

Audie Murphy, you're still here.

You want to be my partner during bayonet drill?

You bet.

Hey, guys, you picked me.

Look, Fonz, in the meantime, why don't you
stow your gear over here, and this will be your bunk.

Okay, okay, let's get this together here.

Yeah, this is not my gear.

These are not my, this is not my life, you understand?

Whoa.

All right, listen, Fonz, I hate to pull a rank
on you, but this jacket, it's not that regulation.

Oh, yeah, right?

Yeah.

Who died and made you coat of arms?

All right, look, I realize you're
here by an unfortunate mistake,

but if we all pull together, we
might actually have some fun.

Yeah, that's right, the army's a great place, Fonz.

Good food, nice clothes, great training films.

Saturday night, the show, and a night of
pleasure, a month of pain.

I already saw the stage version, the movie's boring.

Well, I'll see you.

Oh, wait, Fonz, you can't just walk out.

Oh, yeah, why not?

Why not?

Because if the commanding officer finds
out, you'll be A-W-O-L.

The commanding officer, the man I want to
see, I'm going to straighten this out once and for all.

The CO's coming!

Fonz, come on.

Ten, hut!

Fonz, come on, down here, just by your box.

Just for me, once there.

Right here?

Yeah, that's good.

All right, I'll stay here.

Uh, ten, hut!

All right, men, fall in.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Fonzarelli, my Christmas came early this year.

Officer Kirk, I would love to say it's my
pleasure, but I can't.

It's Major Barton C.

Kirk here, and don't you forget it, dog face.

Let us not get carried away, all right?

This is one big mistake.

The Army doesn't make mistakes, it makes men.

No hiding now, Fonzarelli.

Hey, your flimsy Bill of Rights is not
going to do you any good here.

Life is good.

Not from this side of your face.

The 2004 TV Land Awards are coming.

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Mary Tyler Moore and d*ck Van d*ke, Don Knots.

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A half-hour special, Tuesday at 11 A.M.

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Happy birthday!

So, uh, where's the cake?

We're not having cake.

Uh-oh.

Yum, yum, yum.

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Be yourself again.

Everybody rise and shine.

Let's go.

Nah, I'm just kidding.

Come on, you guys.

Get out of bed.

Let's go.

Jump to it.

Let's go, Weber.

Let's go, Perry.

Fonzarelli.

Well, you're no different than anybody else.

Yeah, well, you are different, but not here.

What time is it, Roger?

Oh, 500.

In American time, Roger.

Uh, 5 A.M.

Good night, Roger.

Good night, Fonz.

Hey, Raj.

Yeah.

He's like a bear in the morning until he's
had his sugar pops.

All right, men, fall in.

Oh, Fonz.

Fonz Kirk is here.

Get out of bed.

Let him get his own bed.

Looking good, men.

Looking good.

Ship, ship.

Good work, Phillips.

See you, sir.

That's your bunk, but I guess I can't hear you.

Yes, sir.

I still can't hear you.

I can hear him.

Now, gut it out, will you?

Peek a stinking boo.

Well, I told you, out of that bed.

Now.

Sir, sir, permission to intervene?

Granted.

Thank you.

Fonz, Fonz, don't get him angry.

You'll never get a pass to Heather's birthday party.

Come on, for Heather.

All right, move it, soldier.

For Heather.

Let's go, down on the floor, soldier.

I'm warning you, Fonzarelli, if I catch you
screwing up, and I will, you're going to beg for mercy.

You're going to squirm.

You're going to crawl.

Oh, I'm going to break you, fella.

And don't think I'm just saying words.

Try me, fella.

You want to push me to the wall, you just try it.

You're on report, soldier.

What a way to start the day.

I'm going to k*ll him.

No, Fonz, no.

You can't k*ll him, Fonz.

It's just what he wants you to do.

Fonz, come over here and sit down.

Come on.

Come on.

Attaboy.

Come on.

Have a seat.

Sit, think, remember, Heather.

Think, Heather.

I'll tell you something.

What?

I'm going to get this pass.

Yeah?

And to get this pass, I'm going to be the best G.I.

since, uh...

What's his name?

The unknown soldier.

Ain't no use in looking down.

Ain't no discharge on the ground.

Am I right or wrong?

You're right.

Am I weak or strong?

You're strong.

Two, one, two, one, two, three, four.

Three.

Two, one, two, one, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Fonz.

I don't get it, Fonz.

You look great.

You didn't even break a sweat.

Well, I started to.

I told my glands to stop.

I didn't want to give Kirk the satisfaction.

I get that pass for Heather's birthday.

I will sweat.

All right, men.

Fall in for your passes.

Get up!

Proud of you, men.

You've worked hard.

There you go.

There you go, soldier.

And you've trained hard.

Young h*, suck it in over there, Weber.

Get it in there, boy.

Straighten up.

Everybody but Private Fonzarelli sweated hard.

Private Fonzarelli's pass.

You do want a pass, don't you, Fonzarelli?

You know I do, sir.

I don't hear you!

I said you know I do, sir.

I may be a hard man, Fonzarelli.

But I'm a fair man.

All you gotta do to get this pass is lick my boots.

Now you know I'm not gonna get my pass the
way you get promotions.

Okay, Aunt Marion, pin the tail on the donkey.

Okay, kids, now this is an old oriental
art form called making animal balloons.

Okay, now watch closely.

Watch closely, all right?

This is a poodle what got in a car accident.

Here, you try it.

All right, I'll try it.

This is gonna be weird.

Okay, barista girl, it's time for your cake.

We have to wait for Fonzie.

He promised to be here.

Heather, Fonzie's in the army defending our way of life.

Just think, if you were in Russia,
you couldn't have a birthday.

Even if you could have a birthday, you couldn't
have a cake because they don't have wheat.

But he promised.

I know, sweetheart, but sometimes
adults promise things, and

no matter how much they want
to, they can't keep their word.

Not Fonzie.

Why not?

Sweetheart, your friends are all very tired, and the ice
cream is melted, and Aunt Marion will never find the donkey.

You're getting warmer, Marion.

Warmer, warmer.

Now, you see, all that practice last night paid off.

Okay, everybody, it's cake time.

I guess Fonzie's just like everybody else.

Well, we're ready.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Heather.

Happy birthday to you.

Make a wish for your husband.

You want to start without me?

My wish came true.

Yeah, hey, I tell you, I'm going to be somewhere.

I'm going to be somewhere.

I got something for you.

Oh.

Well, you know, she'll grow into it, right?

This is just like I wanted.

Mommy on one side and Fonzie on the other.

I just wish that I could see them.

Well, listen, I want to tell you something.

You better blow out your candles because
they're melting in the cake.

You got it.

All right, all right, I'm going to tuck it
out from all this fun.

I got to go.

I love you and happy birthday, Ray.

I'll see you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hold it, Fonz.

What?

Here.

I thought they gave you a weekend pass.

Well, I didn't exactly get a pass.

I may seal you.

You're A-W-O-L.

However you spell it, I'm in deep trouble.

Hey, look, come on.

I'm going to drive you back to the boat.

Yes.

Well, can't you stay a little longer?

Hey, I'm with Lofthorpe.

I'm supposed to be back, what, at 1,700 hours?

Well, will you look at the time?

It's 1,800 hours.

See that?

I'm 100 hours late.

Adios, huh?

I'll see you.

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Quick, Kirk's coming.

What?

No.

Fonzie's not back yet.

He's dead meat.

And in big trouble, too.

Yeah.

Hey, slack, corporal.

I never thought I'd make it.

Fonzie, you're lucky.

Kirk's gonna be here any minute.

Hey, Fonz.

Yeah.

This came for you while you were gone.

I read it to me.

It's probably the captain asked me to sit at his table.

Hey, Fonz.

Yeah.

You didn't have to come back.

What are you talking about?

These are your release papers.

Are you kidding?

No.

You mean I'm out of the army?

Yep.

No more 20-mile hikes?

No.

No more mystery meat?

Nope.

No more showers with Potsie?

At ease, ma'am.

Major Kirk.

Sir, just the same.

That's the man I want to see.

Silence.

Fonzarelli, you are a disgusting, utterly despicable sight.

I wouldn't talk.

I've seen you in your shorts.

I'd cite you for insubordination if you
weren't in bigger trouble already.

The general's arriving here for inspection
in precisely two minutes.

You mean it's not oh two minutes?

Whatever you want to call it, Fonzarelli, any way you call

it, it's not much time when
you've got to redo a spoon of pen.

I can't believe this, Kirk.

The general is coming and you mess up my
bed like that, I'll never get it done.

I'll bet the next thing you're going to do
is mess up my footlocker.

You win that bet, Fonzarelli.

Oh, no.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe it.





The only thing you haven't touched is my duffel bag, son.

Oh, well.

Here it is.

Yeah, that's the one.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Check.

See if there's something else in there.

All right, Fonzarelli.

Now you clean up this pigsty, or you'll be in jail
making little rocks out of big rocks till the day you die.

Let me tell you something, tank breath.

If I was in the army, I would be shaking in my boots.

Peek a stinking boot.

Arthur Fonzarelli.

What's that word?

Civilian.

This is impossible.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

What's impossible is cleaning up this mess in 10 seconds.

And since there is no soldier assigned to
this area, I would assume so.

It is yours.

General.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, hot!

He's, uh, wouldn't by any chance at all
belong to you, would they, Major?

Yes, sir.

I mean, no, sir.

It's been a mistake, sir.

You see, we... Uh, your eminence,
could I, uh, speak forth here?

Just go right ahead, soldier.

Yeah, thanks.

I don't think the army makes mistakes.

They just make men.

That is key right.

And who might you be?

I'm just a patriotic American, sir, with a bum knee.

All right, private.

I want you to assume the position and give me 25.

One, two, three, four.

Four, five, six.

Goodbye, gray sky.

Hello, blue.

Next on the Brady Bunch.

Don't be surprised if you're mesmerized by Robert Reed.

Why?

He studied at the prestigious Royal
Academy of Dramatic Arts.

You'd probably already guessed that.

Stay tuned for episode number 16, Mike's Horror Scope.

Baby.

These happy days are yours to buy.

These happy days are yours and my happy days.