10x19 - May the Best Man Win

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

My friends all tell me, thought it was fun to be fixed.

That morning's been a new day.

Hey, I'll tell you something.

Woo!

Listen up.

If you're being blackmailed, I'm right behind.

Do you understand how they carry?

I appreciate that, Fonz, but I am not being blackmailed.

I volunteered to direct the school play
because I like being around actors.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

Is that you?

That's me.

Get over here.

Oh, man.

Hey.

We are invincible.

You know who this is?

Do you?

Yeah, of course I do.

This is Jake.

Hey, Fonz, Nelson.

We used to be Falcons together.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Hey, Fonz.

That's an interesting nickname.

Hey, let's show him how you got the name.

Oh, fine.

Hey, Fonz, where are you going?

Hey, Fonz, can I go?

Hey, Fonz, why not?

I'll tell you something.

This man would not be a Falcon without me.

Oh, is that right?

Yes, that's right.

I gave him tips on pinball, motorcycles,
and the etiquette of Rumble.

Yeah, my dad got us the g*ng jackets.

Well, that didn't hurt either.

We were inseparable.

Then all of a sudden, one day, he disappears.

You disappeared?

Where did you go?

Well, I met this girl, Vicki Easton,
and pow, my life had new meaning.

Do I understand what you're saying?

I met this girl, Ashley Pfister,
and pow, her life had new meaning.

I hope your story ends sweeter.

Vicki ran off with an insurance salesman
on our wedding day.

I would have run him over, but my rates would have gone up.

I figured I'd better get out and,
you know, try and find myself, right?

So I decided to devote myself to helping mankind.

So I joined a monastery.

A monastery?

Yeah.

How'd you get in?

My dad got us the robes.

Ah, yes, the monastic life, making wine, celibacy.

Yeah, he's real curious because he's halfway there.

I make wine.

Well, the Wisconsin monks make cheese.

Oh.

Now, one day at the state fair,
where I might add we won first place in

the semi-soft division, I met Susie,
and my life changed again.

We swore we'd never part.

Saturday, Susie and I are getting married.

No kidding.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Oh, double thumbs.

Are you kidding?

That's great.

And I know nothing's going to go wrong this time.

You know, you've always been like a good
luck charm to me, Fonz.

Yeah.

I'd like you to be my best man.

Yeah, I'd be thrilled.

I'm entitled.

I know I can count on you.

I know Roger would mean a great deal to me
if you would be my Usher.

Really, me?

Who we just met?

You must really be a quick judge of character.

Of course, not that.

I just need a guy who looks good in a suit.

K.C., you were very quiet this evening.

Don't you have anything to say?

You had to ask me?

Well, oh, I'm not going to get this part
in the school play.

Because it's all who you know.

Lisa Wainwright's aunt knows Elizabeth Taylor's manicurist.

Really?

Look, K.C., I think you're going to get
the part on your ability.

Oh, yes, that's true.

And you know, dear, Uncle Howard and I
will rehearse with you.

Oh, would you?

Oh, that would be such a big help.

Yeah, well, you practice with her, Marion.

I'll just pretend it's a dinner theater.

Oh, Howard, no.

Come on, it'll be a lot of fun.

And afterwards, I might just find that I
can't resist my leading man.

Oh, okay.

But I'm no actor, so don't expect any Tony
Award winning performance.

Okay, this is a scene from I Only Shower When I Win.

Oh.

Oh, that's the name of it.

I Only Shower When I Win.

Yes, it's a musical.

I'm going to play Velma, Marion, you play
Lola, and Uncle Howard, you play Joe Bob.

All right, it's a steamy night in the Florida Keys.

You look disgusting.

Don't you ever take a bath after you're
through wrestling with those alligators?

I only shower when I win.

Oh, that's where they get the name in the book.

Yes.

Please, don't fight.

This is my house, and nobody tells me.

What to do?

I am the king here.

I am the big daddy.

Why don't you go back to the street?

Why don't you go back to the street where we found you?

At least I have some friends there.

You filthy gator grabber.

I said I'll have a knife.

Aha.

But do you have the guts to use it?

I love it.

I love it when you're sarcastic.

You smell like my handbag.

Kiss me.

Oh.

Well, blow me down.

Look at this.

Is this Rocky Baruffi?

Don't make fun.

My wife made me wear this.

She also wanted me to wear this vest,
these socks, and underwear.

But a man's got to put his foot down sometimes.

I agree.

I agree.

But, you know, you could have worn the vest, huh?

Uh, Fonz, here come the monks.

Fonz, it's the monks.

What's a rival g*ng doing on our turf?

Hey, Falcons, it's a Rumble!

Back off.

Give me room.

Let me breathe.

Woo, is that right?

All right, listen up.

Don't you ashamed of yourself.

These are real monks.

This is a church.

This is their turf.

Now, Roger.

Yeah?

Please, have them sit on opposite sides of the church.

Right, Fonz.

Okay, let's see.

Uh, men of God on this side, uh, car thieves on this side.

All right, Delvecchio.

Good.

To see you all.

How you doing, huh?

Fine.

Oh, you know, this reminds me.

I haven't seen my twin brother Al since his wedding.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Married a lovely, lovely lady.

Yeah, my aunt.

Oh, yes.

Surprised me, because he has the brains,
but I got the looks.

The father Delvecchio and your father.

Hey, Fonz, this is gonna be great.

Fonz, I'm so happy.

Hey, Fonz, how do I look?

Are you kidding me?

You look so good.

You look so good.

If the mortician saw you now, he wouldn't
have to touch you.

That's good, right?

Oh, you look nice.

Hey, father, you're dressed right.

Oh, just wore clothes.

Oh, boy, Fonz, I'm making quite a jump here, huh?

From monk to marriage, huh?

From brother to husband.

And that's just the both of you?

Wherever the four winds blow.

They gotta sing and run, Fonz.

All right, I'll get started.

Thank you, Saxo.

Dearly beloved, we are glad that you... I don't believe it.

Fonzie, my love!

Whoa!

Whoa!

It's coming.

It's coming.

It's coming.

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Fonzie!

Fonzie, it is you!

Yeah, yeah, it's me, all right.

Question is now, who are you?

Maybe this would be a nice time to introduce you.

Fonzie, I'd like you to meet Susie Blackman.

Hey.

Don't you remember?

Ten years ago, the Schatz Brewery
foam-blowing contest and dinner dance.

No!

Now listen, uh, uh, Miss, uh, Blackman,
I, I would love to just kind of mosey down

memory Lane with you, but it's time to
nudge you all up here with good old Jake, huh?

Who?

Uh, Jake.

Jake?

Yeah, yeah, me, Jake.

Remember Destiny's Play thing?

The man who sprung for the marriage manual?

So, uh, can we go out with the ceremony now?

Please do, please do.

Oh, look, I thought I'd forgotten about
Fonzie, but now that I see him again,

I, I, it would be unfair for me to marry you now.

Who says life has to be fair?

Uh, excuse me, uh, you have to understand,
I am very, very involved with this

fabulous woman, Ashley Pfister,
I mean, we're practically entangled.

Yeah, see, yeah, he's practically entangled.

Can we get married here and get a tax break?

Uh, Fonz, I hate to butt in, but I've been trained
to look for little signs of tension between couples.

Jake, Jake, here's your engagement ring.

There's a little sign now.

Susie, Susie, don't do anything, I'll regret.

Jake, I have a lot of things to think over,
but whatever happens, we'll always be friends.

Oh.

Oh, hmm.

Hmm.

She didn't mean it.

She didn't mean it.

We'll always be friends.

Well, I don't need friends.

If you're really my friend, get married.

Susie, I love you.

You, I'm not so thrilled about.

I don't know what to say.

Wait a minute, Jake.

Is this the most bizarre thing you ever saw?

How could you do this to such a sweet guy like
Jake, you, and to think I named my dog after you?

Come on, Falcons.

Wait a minute.

This is nuts.

Hey, guys, huh?

What are you... Hey.

I didn't, I don't...

No.

I don't believe you, Fonz.

I was really looking forward to this.

The reception?

Cheese dip?

Cheese dip?

Fonzie Delvecchio, get over here.

I don't even know this girl.

Well, you... Somebody.

Hey, what did I do?

Fonzie, my son.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Sometimes he's very obvious.

Sometimes he just likes to kid around, huh?

This could very well be a test of your character, Fonz.

I mean... Well, we won't know for sure.

We won't know for sure until you bring
those two kids back together again.

Let me tell you something.

I will get them back together again.

They'll live a long and happy life like Romeo and Juliet.

Yes?

Yes, she's here.

Yes, she is, too.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll tell her.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Well, K.C., honey, you got the part.

Oh, good.

You did, too, Jenny.

You're in men's wardrobe.

Oh, that's just perfect.

Oh, it's great.

Now, you are going to be on stage with Lance Mancusi,
and I'm going to be backstage fondling his clothing.

Whoa.

This is my last stop, Mr. and Mrs. C.

What's the matter, Arthur?

I humble myself.

I throw myself at your feet.

I need advice.

I got Susie and Jake coming over here.

I need something to tell them to get them
back together again.

sh**t.

Oh, whatever you want, Arthur.

We're always here for you.

So go ahead, Howard.

Show them the way.

Yeah.

Oh, well, uh, usually Fonzie in a situation like, I don't
know, I just never run up against anything like this before.

Oh, come on, Howard.

You always have a story or a similar situation.

Well, okay, let's see, uh, well,
I remember when I was in the army,

uh, this guy's wife came to visit him and
she didn't recognize him because his hair

was all cut off, so when he went to kiss
her, she just slapped him in the face.

You're just, you're kidding me, right?

You're just warming up, right?

I told you, Fonzie, I didn't really have anything.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

All you have to do is to tell me.

I told this Jake to go tell this Susie how
much he loves her.

At least the army story had some action in it.

Now, if you don't like the water, don't go to the well.

Howard, I didn't mean to get you back home.

I was out for two hours, Marion.

Dun, dun.

Okay.

Here you go, Fonz.

I found him at the zoo in front of the
lion's cage rubbing meat all over his body.

Good work out to go from here.

See you, Fonz.

I gotta go look for my underwear.

Can you imagine?

I got one pair and I lose it?

Hey, Fonzarelli, this better be good.

In case you hadn't noticed, I had a pretty bad day.

I got a plan.

I got a plan.

I'm gonna get you back together again with Susie, huh?

This is gonna be brilliant.

This is perfect.

You understand?

That's gonna roll off my lips like a rib ball.

You, you go to her and you tell her just
how much you love her.

That stinks.

All right, I got another one.

I got another one.

Answer the door.

I'm thinking.

I'm thinking.

Oh, Fonzie.

Fonzie, when I heard you wanted to see me
again, I got so excited.

Oh, hi, Jake.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just dropped by for a final round of humiliation.

Well, that should do it.

Next Christmas, when you have a cheese ball, think of me.

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.

We can talk about this, Jake.

You've done enough already.

I'm glad I came by.

Give me a chance to say my final words to
you before I go out and try and find myself again.

You're not nice.

Forgive my anger.

Come back here.

Fight for the woman you love.

All right, just don't go near the zoo.

Here I am, alone at last with the man I love.

Do you have any idea who you just let go through that door?

Oh, Jake's nice, but you're a legend.

Yeah, look, I understand.

It is very technical.

It's tempting to listen to the incredible things, the
fabulous things that people say about me day in and day out.

It is not true.

You understand?

First of all, I am not a legend.

I am, uh, self-absorbed.

Perfect.

I have low self-esteem.

All right, I'm a liar.

I don't believe you.

What am I going to have to say to you to
prove that I am not special?

All right.

All right.

I'm a little special.

How can you be in love with a guy who
don't even remember you?

You've got to remember it was such a special night.

No.

We were at a dance.

No.

And I was wearing a pretty blue dress.

No.

My hair was up.

No.

And I was fat and I had braces.

Yes.

Oh, you were.

Ooh, yeah.

Where's the rest of you?

Fonzie, that night is something I'll never forget.

Come on.

What did I possibly do?

Well, I was sitting in a corner all alone.

Nobody would dance with me.

And guys kept coming up to me and saying
things like, hey, turn around.

We want to play handball.

They got my goat.

Not nice.

Oh, I didn't like those guys.

But you saved me and threw them out.

And no guy has ever done that for me before.

Not even Jake.

And you spent the night with me.

And you spent the rest of the night dancing with me.

And for the first time in my life,
I felt good about myself.

Oh, yeah, okay.

You know, Fonz, I was unfair.

Maybe not.

This keeps getting better.

You know, maybe later you'd like to take out my sister.

I do not want to take out your sister, and I
do not want to see this Looney Tune anymore.

Looney Tune?

That Looney Tune happens to be the woman I love.

Oh, yeah?

How could you be in love with a woman?

It looks like she put on her makeup with a wrecking ball.

Hey, Fonz, you better take that back.

Take it back?

Come on, what are you going to do, Jake?

What are you going to do, Jake?

Hey, Fonz, don't push me too far.

Don't push you too far?

What, are you in love with... Is this your girl?

Or did someone order pizza?

Pizza?

Yeah.

Nobody calls my girl a pizza.

Jake!

Jake!

Now, did you see what this man did for you?

He stood up for you.

A second ago, he was standing up for you.

That's right.

That's right.

Just like you did for me.

No, you don't understand something.

Look, when I stood up for you, I knew I would win.

He didn't.

Huh?

What does that say to you?

That he's a better man than you.

Well, for you, yes, yeah.

That night, Susie, what I did for you, I
would do for anybody because that is my style.

What Jake did here tonight for you, he only did for you.

He loves you.

You understand that?

I gave you one of the great moments of your life.

He will give you a great life.

Huh?

Let's wake him up, all right?

Jake.

Come on.

Jake, darling, are you all right?

Here you go.

Yeah, I'm fine.

You're Susie, right?

Yeah.

Hi, Susie.

Hi.

I did a lot of thinking while you were out.

Let's get married.

Married?

Married.

You and me married?

What happened?

Let's not talk about it.

Let's come over here and do it.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Fonz.

Yeah.

Whatever you did, thanks.

That's what friends are for.

Hey, I'll tell you something, Fonz.

I'm going to go out there and tell
everybody you didn't stab me in the back.

Oh, no, don't knock yourself out.

Hey, Fonz, you're my best man.

Yeah, I got a mumble in my headache.

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Hey, Fonz.

Fonz.

Yeah.

I think I got the solution to Jake's problem.

This is a phone number, Mr. C.

Yes, that happens to be Milwaukee's
marriage hotline number.

I'll bet they get a hundred cases like Jake's every day.

Hey, a hundred times a day.

What's our city coming to?

Well, who cares?

I'm going to call them.

I want to hear what they come up with.

I want to put it in my files.

Listen now, Mr. C., just before you do,
I got this crazy idea.

Let me try it out on you, all right?

sh**t.

Okay.

I get Susie and Jake together, right?

Then I get Jake so mad, I insult him,
I insult him, and he starts to run at me.

I move out of the way, and he smashes his
head right into your fireplace.

Then she sees that he loves her.

And then they get married, and they go off
together into the sun.

And the sun said, you know, it's great.

It'll never work.

Yeah, well, you're probably right.

It's ringing.

Yeah.

Marriage hotline?

Yeah, I'm calling for a friend of mine who...

What the heck?

Listen, my wife has been complaining that
I watch too much basketball in bed.

Yes, I'm Howard Cunningham.

She did.

What?

Marion!

Next up, it's the Brady Bunch.

Thinking she's still in rehearsals, Susan Olsen
sticks out her tongue as she walks out of the kitchen.

Oopsies, they left it in.

See for yourself, episode 71 is next,
right here on TV Land.

Oh, baby.

These happy days are yours and mine, happy days.