05x07 - Lady President

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons.

Starring Fred MacMurray And as Bub, William Frawley.

I still don't think it's a good idea for
you to come home to lunch.

Oh, now that's a fight.

How do you do?

You're a guest here and you're knocking the food.

It isn't the food.

Chip ought to eat at the cafeteria and mix with the voters.

He means for our class election.

I'm running for president.

And I'm his campaign manager.

Oh, gee, I'm impressed.

This is kind of like a breakfast meeting
at the White House.

Gee, the White House.

One step at a time, Chip.

Gotta watch your image.

Right now, your image has jelly on its chin.

Listen, no kidding.

If you need any help writing speeches or
anything, you can count on me.

Heck, Mike, we don't need anything.

We've got this election all sewed up.

Oh, yeah?

How can you be so sure?

Simple.

There are 13 boys and only 7 girls.

Oh, I get it.

You're running against a girl, huh?

Her name's Kathy Bigelow.

If we let this Kathy Bigelow get this job, next thing you
know, she'll be running for president of the United States.

In politics, you've got to be able to take it.

It's a man's game.

Well, it's like another president once said, if
you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Well, I understand Miss Maitland's a young congresswoman.

It could be a stimulating evening.

And it could be a filibuster, too, Ed.

You know that.

Steve, she's only going to be here a few days.

Why don't you ask Joe Hessler in public relations?

Now, he's single.

I have asked him.

He's got himself engaged, going to be married soon.

Oh.

The congressional committee is just
finishing up their preliminary tour of the plant.

And I've asked Congresswoman Maitland to
come here and meet you.

Ed, I have just the man for you.

Dib Sebring in stress analysis.

Now, he's not engaged.

Sebring?

Oh, I don't know.

I'll call him.

Dib, this is Steve Douglas.

Say, Dib, how would you like to...

Oh.

Oh?

You can't make it, huh?

Oh.

Well, I don't know.

I guess I'm in.

I see.

Thanks.

Miss Maitland?

Hello, Mr. Preston.

How are you?

I want you to know Steve Douglas.

Steve, the Honorable Congresswoman Maitland.

How do you do?

Barbara Maitland, as long as there isn't a quorum present.

Steve's going to join us for dinner tonight.

Oh, another duty dinner, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, no.

As a matter of fact, I had several things
I was going to write my congressman about,

and now I can tell you, and you can tell
him, and save the postage.

Well, should we adjourn to the plant cafeteria for lunch?

Oh, Ed, maybe Miss Maitland would rather
have lunch downtown someplace.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, did you ever hear of a
politician who turned down an opportunity

to eat in a plant cafeteria with a thousand votes?

Well, you don't mind if I join you, Ed, do I?

Well, I know.

Come along, Steve.

Shall we go?

Oh, Jerry, are you going to vote for me in the election?

Tell you what, Kathy.

Why don't you run for class secretary?

Then I might vote for a girl.

Jerry, you must be open-minded.

Now, what are the duties of the president?

First, I have to leave the salute to the flag.

A girl can do that, can't she?

Yeah.

Well, then that proves a girl can be
president just as well as any boy.

I guess she could.

What's that you're saying, Jerry?

Well, we were sort of saying how maybe a
girl could be class president.

Class president?

A girl?

Mike just slid to the flank.

He could lead it.

A girl?

Who was it and made the flag?

A girl.

Betsy Ross.

Megan's one thing.

Liam's another.

Oh, boy!

See, Jerry, how can she carry on the
complex duties of the presidency?

She gets emotional like that.

Miss Fleming, I don't think it's fair.

What, Cappy?

Cappy, being a girl, we're outnumbered in
here, and those boys just refuse to vote for a girl.

Now, Cappy, remember, an election isn't
over until the last ballot is cast.

That's true for boys, but not for girls.

Cappy, do you have a current event for next period?

Yes, I was going to read an interesting
item from the congressional record.

Well, I think I have a story here that you
might like to use instead.

A woman congresswoman visiting Bryant Park?

Yes, and Miss Maitland defeated a man to get elected.

Boy, I wish I knew how.

Hi, Miss Fleming.

Oh, hi, boys.

Miss Fleming, I have a real interesting current event.

It tells how the number of automobile accidents in the
United States has increased since women were given the vote.

I'm Kathy Bigelow.

I'm from the Bryant Park Pathfinder.

You're from the Pathfinder?

I'm the girls' activities editor.

Oh, it's a school newspaper.

Well, won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you.

Uh, now then, Kathy, is that right?

Yes.

Well, you may be seated.

You may begin anywhere you'd like.

Well, to tell you the truth, Miss Maitland,
I'm not exactly here on newspaper business.

Oh?

It's kind of a personal problem.

That is, a personal political problem.

You see, I'm a girl.

Well, yes, that's personal.

I'm running for class president,
and I'm running against a boy.

You've got a problem.

It's just awful.

He and his manager talk about nothing but
how a girl shouldn't hold office.

Oh, they do, do they?

Do you have a manager?

No.

You do now.

You're going to help me?

Well, not officially, of course, but I'll be
available to give you moral support and advice.

This boy's so sure of winning, he
won't talk about the issues or anything.

It's exactly what Ned Pearson was doing a year ago.

What'd you do?

Well, I did exactly what you must do.

I challenged him publicly to a debate.

That way, he's either got to face you, and the
issues, or admit to the voters that he's afraid to.

Boy, and I can debate rings around him.

Good.

Now then, what, uh, what are some of the issues?

You want your president to wear a pony?

T-A-I-L.

Oh, there it is.

Well, I think Kathy's gonna like that.

Yeah?

Well, I didn't like her challenging you to debate, either.

Maybe I should have accepted the challenge.

You goofy.

She'd cream you.

I know I lost one vote by backing down.

Jerry Gassner said he didn't want a president
who was afraid to debate some clunky girl.

That's only one vote.

We're still ahead 12 to 8.

How are you two big-time politicians doing?

Okay.

We're making up our campaign signs.

Oh.

What's the results of the latest poll?



Opinions both ways.

Chip Douglas, the boy's boy.

A vote for Chip is a vote for a boy.

Boys vote the straight ticket.

Girls bolt the party.

Aren't there any issues in this campaign
besides the fact that you're a boy and she's a girl?

That's all the issues we need.

We got a majority of boys.

Well, you know, if you're elected,
you'll be president of the whole class.

Why don't you see if you can get some of the girls in here?

Yeah, but the girls have their chance of class secretary.

There's two of them running for that.

Wait a minute.

I might try it.

We ought to play fair and get the girls' votes.

How?

We make a sign that says, Chip Douglas
says, vote for Arlene Channing for class secretary.

Hey, and now endorsing a girl, that's good.

It's certainly better than this kind of politics.

That way we have a chance of getting
Arlene and her friends to vote for Chip.

Gee, I like this fair way of doing things.

In those days, my father was a small-town newspaper editor.

It used to bother him terribly that people
took good government for granted.

He used to say our national slogan should
be, I don't want to get involved.

And of course, that's always the easy way
to let somebody else worry about politics.

I used to feel that way, too.

But all of a sudden, I realized that he
meant me as much as he meant anybody else.

So I ran for Congress, and much to my
surprise, I got elected.

You make it sound very simple, which I'm sure it wasn't.

Oh, you have no idea.

Boys, make democracy work.

Keep girls out of the White House.

Miss Maitland, look what they're doing to me.

The looks of this, they're trying to do it to me, too.

They don't act like this in real politics, do they?

This is real politics.

No matter at what level, it's a tough,
lonely... lonesome fight, especially for a woman.

But I'll bet it's exciting.

It is.

And most of the time, it's worth giving up the... the
personal relationships that most women just take for granted.

Well, it looks like I'm not gonna have to
worry about giving up anything.

Let's see.

Let's just see about that.

Do you, uh... Do you have any
appointive powers or anything?

Well?

Well, I'm hall guard captain, and I can
appoint two hall guards.

Perfect.

And appoint two boys.

Boys?

Kathy.

Oh, I see.

And I know just the two.

Steve Mock and Johnny Pierce.

That's chickening out on the debate set, then the thinking.

All right, then.

Get in there and fight.

Thanks for everything, Miss Maitland.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hi, Steve.

Hi, Barbara.

Come in.

Thanks.

Say, who was the cute little girl that just left here?

Sir, Mark this moment well.

You have just had an encounter with the
first woman president.

Is that so?

It's a little early to tell, though, isn't it?

No, I mean she's running for president of
a class at school.

Oh, I see.

Look what she brought me.

Boys make democracy work, keep girls out
of the White House.

What kind of reverse psychology is this?

Oh, no, this isn't part of her campaign.

This just shows how low the male sex will
stoop to keep the female sex out of public office.

This is the work of the boy running against her.

Well, the spelling's all right.

I refuse to comment on the sentiments.

That's playing it cautious.

You know, I thought grade school elections
were on a little higher plane than that.

Well, you see, there are more boys than girls in the
class, so he thinks he doesn't need girls to vote for him.

Oh, I see.

Thank you.

Tell me, where are we going?

Well, I've made reservations at the Plush Parrot.

Oh, my, that sounds very swag.

Well, it's Bryant Park's answer to the Purple Pony.

The Purple Pony?

That's over in Mapleton.

The Purple Pony is Mapleton's answer to the Plush Parrot.

And after we have dinner, I thought maybe we'd...

Well, I'll think of something.

Steve, I don't know if I can keep up with the pace you set.

Well, I'll tell you, tomorrow night we'll
do whatever you want to do, okay?

You know what I'd like to do?

What?

I would like to have dinner at Shea Douglas.

Shea...

What do you mean, at our house?

Well, there'll be a dog, three boys, and a
father-in-law all trying to out-market each other.

Now, if you think you can stand that,
we'd love to have you.

I'd love to try.

Well, fine.

Tomorrow night at the Shea Douglas.

Good.

Well, it's chow time.

Oh, my.

Boy, it looks great.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, that looks good.

Yeah.

Say something good about the salad that
was made by a member of Congress.

Ah.

Well, uh, Bob, do you have the, uh, duty roster?

Yep, it's Chip's turn.

Dear Lord, we thank you for this good food.

Keep our family safe, well, and together.

I guess that's about all.

Amen.

Chip, uh, you didn't mention our guest.

Gee, I forgot she wasn't part of the family.

Ah.

Invariably, these invitations include both
the congressman and his wife.

So then my office has to get on the phone
and let them know I'm a congresswoman.

And then they say that in that case,
your husband is welcome.

Then we have to let them know that there
is no Mr. Representative Macon.

By that time, we're all exhausted and I'm
ready to settle for the first unmarried congressman.

I suppose you got to meet a lot of
unmarried congressmen in that way, huh?

No such luck.

I always seem to wind up with the same one,
Representative McElhaney from North Dakota.

You two must know each other pretty well by now, huh?

Oh, we do, intimately.

We had one thing in common to begin with.

You mean you're both single?

Well, besides that, the year that he was first
elected to Congress was the year I was born.

Well, I guess politics ain't all cussing
and conniving after all.

I've heard of worse tactics right here in grammar
school elections than we see in Washington.

Oh, you mean that little girl yesterday?

You see, she's running for class president against a boy.

And the cutthroat tactics he's using, strictly anti-female.

What was that sign, Steve?

Make democracy work.

Keep girls out of the White House.

Now, is that hitting below the belt or not?

From what you tell me, this young fella is
playing dirty pool.

Anyway, Kathy told me that this miniature
politician won't debate any real issues.

His only argument is that girls don't belong in office.

Miss Maitland, would you like some more coffee, Dad?

I'm not sure.

Do we have time, Steve?

I told the Prestons we'd meet them at 9 O 'clock.

I think we'd had better be going.

Rob, would you get Miss Maitland's book, please?

Yeah, sure, Dad.

Thanks.

Mr. O'Casey, before I leave tomorrow, I would very
much like your recipe for ham and potatoes, O'Casey.

Miss Maitland, for your salad, I'll trade you even.

Done and done.

Oh, Chip, you take good care of these fellows.

They need a steady hand to keep them out of trouble.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I'll see you later.

Thank you.

I need to carry it.

I'll take it.

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night.

Bye.

Good night, Dad.

Good night, Steve.

Good night.

Chip, anything you want to talk over before Dad gets home?

Mike, I think I'll call Ernie right away.

Hello?

Hello, Ernie.

Chip, something awful happened tonight.

You mean she's helping Kathy?

Hey, that ain't fair.

She's a pro.

Maybe we can get Kathy disqualified.

Now, look, does your father know you're
the dirty candidate?

Oh, not yet.

When I tell him, I don't know how I'll explain it.

Simple.

Just don't tell him.

In fact, don't give out any interviews unless I'm with you.

I've been right up to now, haven't I?

Yeah.

Don't tell him, huh?

Goodbye, Ernie.

Okay, goodbye.

Oh, hi, Chip.

What are you doing up?

Did you have a bad dream or something?

No.

Dad, can I talk to you?

Well, sure, Chipper.

What's on your mind?

Well, you know that school election Miss
Maitland was talking about?

The one with that girl Kathy, the dirty
pool-playing politician?

Yeah.

Well, I know who the dirty politician is.

You, Chip?

Yeah.

It's me.

You, Chip?

You mean you were responsible
for all those signs and... Yeah.

I thought that's how you're supposed to run a campaign.

Unfortunately, that's the way too many campaigns are run.

But I don't think that's what the
Constitutional Convention had in mind.

An election is supposed to be a choice of issues.

Well, what'll I do?

Well, the first thing you're gonna do,
Chip, is get back to bed and get some sleep.

Okay.

It's late.

We'll, uh, we'll talk about this in the morning, huh?

You know what's the worst thing about dirty politics?

What, Chip?

Fine, now.

You're the one.

You're the one who's been doing it.

Good night, Chip.

Have the talents completed their count?

Yes, we have, Miss Fleming.

Good.

And if you'll give us the results, we'll be
able to congratulate our new class president.

Chip Douglas, ten votes.

Gee, the two more boys must have voted for Kathy.

That's a stab in the back.

That's a slap below the belt.

Kathy Bigelow, ten votes.

It's a tie.

Good, good.

Well, we just can't take time for another written ballad.

Let's, um, let's see if we can break this
tie with a show of hands.

All in favor of Kathy Bigelow, raise your hands.

All right, let's see.

You count with me, tellers.

Hey, let's stare real hard at Johnny Pierce.

Maybe we can shame him.

They're pointing his hand down.

Seven, eight, nine, ten.

Look fiercer.

You're just looking down.

And that makes eleven.

Jim!

Well, it looks like Kathy Bigelow wins.

And the deciding vote was cast by her honorable
opponent and the good sport, Chip Douglas.

You don't need a campaign manager.

What you need is a psychiatrist.

Come in.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hi, Steve.

I was so afraid you weren't going to make it.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I got a little hung up at a meeting.

But I told you I'd drive you to the airport, and here I am.

Have you sent your bags down?

Yes, the boy took them.

Steve, I can't tell you how pleasant my stay in Bryant
Park has been because of you and Bub and the boys.

Oh, well.

By the way, Bub and the boys wanted me to
tell you that, well, if you ever run for

office here in Bryant Park, you'll win by a landslide.

And that goes for me, too.

Well, thank you very much.

Oh, speaking of elections, I just had a
call from the president.

Well, I'm impressed.

The new class president of 7A, Bryant Park Grammar School.

Oh, that president.

Male or female?

Female.

Good.

Kathy won.

Well.

You know what happened?

You know that boy, her opponent?

You mean the dirty politician?

He's the one that cast the deciding vote for her.

That's nice.

I guess deep down inside, he had the right stuff after all.

Well, most of these boys turn out pretty well, don't they?

I better go.

I'm going to miss the plane.

Say, when are you going to be in Washington?

How about the 10th of the month?

Sure.

Look, up in the sky.

It's a bird.

It's a plane.

It's not Superman.

It's My Favorite Martian.

Stay tuned for two episodes of My Favorite
Martian during this twice as nice morning on TV Land.