05x18 - Here Comes Charley

[bunniefuu]

You're spoiled, the whole lot of you.

You ought to be out working instead of letting
old ladies like me wait on you hand and foot.

Now, Fidocia, I'll be very glad to make my own breakfast.

Sit down, sit down.

I don't want you running to your father
saying I was dialecting my duties.

Oh, come on, Chiver.

Boy, Dad, she sure is a terrible lady.

Well, then, what's Fidocia done now?

Well, I had my mouth all set for pancakes,
and she gave me mush.

Well, mush is good for you, Chip.

I know it keeps you from getting rotten
bones, but it was cold, and it had lumps in it.

And she said I had to eat it on account of the
aborigines in Australia would be glad to get it.

See, well, I think that's pronounced aborigines.

Well, she said aborigines.

And that's another thing, Dad.

She pronounces terrible, she spells
terrible, and she even multiplies terrible.

And she's a real creepy lady to ask for
help with your homework.

Well, Chip, a housekeeper isn't really
supposed to help you with your homework.

Now, why don't you get ready for school
and stop defending Balfadosha, huh?

Who's in there?

Me, Dad.

I'll be right out.

Okay.

Whatever happened?

To fine lads like Tom Swift and the Horatio
Alger boys and ambitious people like Moby d*ck.

Look at folks.

Moby d*ck was a whale.

And a finer, more ambitious whale you'll never see.

Get the cream while I set up the mush.

Oh, boy, Dad.

Send Bubba Wire and get him back from Ireland.

Now, Fedosha's a real loser.

You were washing your socks?

Yeah.

Since when?

Since she got here.

Boy, Dad, she hates anything to do with feet.

Says she has a regular Phoebe about it.

A regular Phoebe?

Yeah, I think she meant phobia.

Dad, honest, she won't take phone
messages, she hates feet, she throws my

friends out of the kitchen, and she's real mean.

Can't we get somebody else?

Well, Rob, it isn't too easy to get
somebody to take care of four fellas.

I think it's just that, well, she's still sort of new
here, and, well, maybe she'll settle down, I hope.

Fedosha, if there's something that we're
doing that annoys you... Please, tell us.

Now, don't try to butter me up.

If there's one thing I've got a Phoebe
about, it's getting buttered up.

And another thing I've got a Phoebe about,
dogs in the house.

Well, tr*mp's part of our family.

Oh, he is, is he?

Well, Fedosha Barnett don't serve up food
to humans while a four-footed species lies

around letting his hair fly all over the room.

Well, you've been doing it for a week.

Well, I just quit doing it.

Out.

I said, out.

Now, just a moment for those... Now, eat
your mush and have respect for your elders.

Out.

Where are you going?

I'm not hungry.

You don't like my cuisine.

Just say so.

Don't sulk.

I'll see you later.

If you ask my consensus, I don't think
anybody named Moby d*ck was a whale.

So long, d*ck.

So long, Chipper.

Dad, can't we really do something about Fedosha?

I'm getting tired of going to school in wet socks.

Rob, I'm afraid she's going to have to stay.

For a while, anyway.

And why didn't you think to wash your socks last night?

Then it would have been dry this morning
and you wouldn't have had to wear wet socks.

See, I told you he'd say that.

So long, Dad.

So long.

So long, Mark.

So long, Mike.

Dad, she has got to go.

Oh, you too, huh?

She just threw our dog, tr*mp, out of the house.

Really?

What did he do?

He was just lying on the floor.

Letting his hair fly around the room.

That's what she said.

Oh, Dad, I've tried to look at her from the
standpoint that there's a reason for her personality.

Like a bad home life or a no good father
or a short person complex.

Something.

Do you know what conclusion I've come to?

No, I don't, Mike.

She's a plain, uncomplicated grouch.

Well, Mike, Bub isn't exactly what you'd
call a Lord Fauntleroy.

Dad, I haven't had clean socks in a week.

Well, neither have I, but... She's a foot hater.

Yes, that's what I've heard.

Mike, we're going to have to learn to put
up with her for a while.

Dad... Now, don't interrupt, Mike.

Bub is certainly unreasonable at times,
but we love him because he's in the family.

Now, she's not a relative, but we ought to
give her the same chance.

Dad, look at the back of your shirt.

What's the matter with the back of my shirt?

Look in the mirror.

What is that, the third one?

It's the fourth.

Yeah?

Well, he's already won.

He went to school.

Well, I'd have no way of knowing whether
he's got your arithmetic book or not, little boy.

I'm not a clairvoyant.

Yeah, well, you can call him some other time.

Fidocia, I think it's time we had a little talk.

Right.

You've got to do something about that
cheap iron you gave me to use.

It's a shirt burner.

Hey.

Fidocia, we were watching that.

That was not a good program for kids.

Dad, she came right over and changed the channels on us.

Just when the guy fell off the bridge,
and he didn't know how to swim.

Well, why don't you just tell her you want
to look at your own program?

Yeah, Chip, why don't you?

I don't know about you guys, but I'm scared of her.

And I am, too.

Yeah.

I guess I am, too.

I'm putting off having that talk with her,
but I guess I'm going to have to do it.

But it's not easy telling someone they're not wanted.

Shh.

I think it'll only hurt.

Fidocia, I need that light to write with.

It glams on the TV screen.

Dad.

Shh.

Fidocia, I think it's time we had that talk.

Right.

Where's my iron?

Well, what I mean is...

Somebody else get that.

My job's done soon as the last dish is dried.

I'll get it.

Hi.

Hi.

Bill, O'Casey live in these spots?

Bub?

Yes, sir.

Except he's gone to Ireland for a while.

How do you like a guy like that?

I wrote him I was going to drop by,
and he skips off to Ireland.

Well, he's been gone a while, sir.

When's he right in?

Oh, I guess five, six years ago.

Charley?

Charley O'Casey.

Steve!

Good to see you again.

You know, the last time I saw you,
this little fellow was about so high.

Well, Charley, it was this little fellow here.

Well, it's good to see you.

Boys, this is Bub's brother, your Uncle Charley.

We've heard a lot about you.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

Come on in.

Good to see you.

Come on.

Good to see you again.

This is a pretty trim little craft you got here.

Are you in the Navy or something, Uncle Charley?

Better than that, mate.

I'm in the merchant marine.

And you'd better call me Uncle Charley.

Okay, Uncle Charley.

Oh, well, what's Bill doing in Ireland?

Well, we all took a trip over there a while
back, and Bub just fell in love with the place.

Bub?

Well, that's what we call him.

Oh, I see.

And anyway, he's gone back to help your
Aunt Kate celebrate her 104th birthday.



I didn't think she was a day over 98.

Come on, sit up.

Oh, Charley, this is Mrs. Barnett.

She's helping us out around the house here temporarily.

I came here on one of those whims you get.

You know, a little voice says, go see your brother.

So, I came to see my brother, and he's not here.

I must have got a short circuit in my little voice.

Are you going back to sea, Uncle Charley?

You know it, mate.

Charley O'Casey is part of the sea.

My ship leaves San Francisco in three
days, bound for the Caribbean.

Well, Charley, why don't you stay here with
us until you have to leave for San Francisco?

Well, yeah, Charley.

You can tell us the story.

You sure?

Oh, Charley has never been one to butt in.

But you wouldn't be butting in.

Just a minute.

He's staying.

What?

Well, we hope he will, yes.

I'm leaving.

Hold it.

Don't let me foul up your deal with Mrs.
Barnacle here, Steve.

You're not fouling up a thing.

You're part of our family.

We want you to stay here.

If you think I'm feeding one more male
mouth around here, you just forget it.

I'm packing.

Get my check ready.

Steve, I...

What?

Hey, uh, Rob, don't let the eggs burn, huh?

The eggs are mine.

Rob's supposed to be doing the oatmeal.

Oh, who's washing the toast?

I'm doing the toast.

Oh.

Well, we'll have your breakfast in a
couple of minutes here, Charlie.

You're going to have to wait for your coffee, though.

I forgot to put it on.

No rush.

Did you ever stop to think that all the
rivers in the world empty into the ocean,

and yet it never gets filled up?

Mm, that's right.

Yeah.

Watch my eggs.

I think that's a Bible saying.

Wash my eggs?

No, that one about the ocean never filling up.

Dad, it's for you.

Oh, watch my eggs, will you, Ron?

How long does it take to go through the Panama Canal?

Oh, the best part of a day.

Hey, Mike.

They delivered your suit that you were hollering about.

You sit off the point till you get your orders.

Then they send you through.

One at a time, of course.

The whole ship gets lifted up about 80 feet.

Then you go through the cut, and then
you're out on the lake.

You're in the tropics, you know.

There's a jungle all around you.

You hear the jungle sounds.

Once in a while, you see these here little parrots.

And if you're lucky, alligators are horsing around.

And pretty soon, you see the first cut on the other
side, and they lower you down into the Caribbean.

Boy, that must be neat.

Oh, not the neat about the Caribbean.

That can get to be pretty rough.

Well, not neat, neat.

Swelny.

You'll have to bring me up to date on this jive talk.

I'm used to sailor lingo.

Well, anyhow, we horse around the Caribbean for a while.

And then we tie up at New Orleans.

Three days leave there, usually.

You know, this is the first galley I've
ever been in that didn't move.

You look like I was going away on ships, Uncle Charley.

Like some clown once said, I must go down
to the seas again.

To the lonely sea and sky.

And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.

If it's so lonely, how come you have to go?

Let me tell you about the Barbados.

I'm sorry it took so long.

Say, Charley, that was Joe Walters out at
the plant where I work.

It looks as though I'm going to have to be out of
town for a couple of days, and I was wondering if...

Oh, now, don't worry, Steve.

I'll keep an eye on the boys until San
Francisco hollers at me.

There'll only be two of us to bother with.

I'll be at the base.

Yeah, Mike's in the Air Force Reserve.

You two boys go to school?

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Charley, someday you're going to have to
tell me how to get a permanent job on a ship.

Maybe someday after you get out of school.

Nothing like the sea for getting a boy's
style of rights, Steve.

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, help yourself to the bacon, Charlie.

You know, we didn't get much of a chance
to cook while Bub was here.

It's surprising what you can come up with
when you really have to.

Yeah.

Party.

Hey.

Cut it out.

We're cooking for you.

Hey, Robbie, I guess you're one.

You're bigger.

We're making up rules to protect yourself.

Come on, come on.

Thank you.

Come on, come on.

Hey, you characters, hit the sack or
you're going to need those fillies to sit on.

Come on.

Well, he sounds just like Bub.

Yeah.

Come on now.

Go, go to sleep.

Now, if you need me, I'll be in Bub's room.

Well, good night.

Uncle Charley?

Yeah?

Will you tell me a story?

A story?

Aren't you a little old for that three bears bilge?

Yeah, but Bub always tells them one,
especially when Dad's gone.

It's like a little girl giving up dolls.

She wants to, and yet she wants to put it off.

Boy, Robbie.

Well.

Well, besides, he goes to sleep in 30 seconds anyway.

I never did anything like this before.

I never had any kids.

Well, you don't have to do it, Uncle Charley.

No, no, that's okay.

I heard this one once in Ceylon.

There was this stupid-looking little prince, see?

Now, this prince was a real flake.

So, naturally, he fell for the greatest-looking
Princess in the whole broken-down little kingdom.

Naturally, the Princess couldn't see.

The prince wore sour tea bags, so he got real lonely.

Now, remember, this prince was a real flake.

So, he called to his favorite elephant, and
he told the elephant to throw him into the river.

But, this elephant wasn't the brightest
animal in the zoo, so he got his signals

crossed, and he threw the prince up in a tree.

Well, anyway, the Princess saw this
silly-looking prince up in the tree,

and she thought it was some kind of new
pomegranate or something.

So, she told her prime minister to cut
down this silly-looking pomegranate.

And they did.

And they found out it was a human being.

So, they had it patched up by a wizard.

Only the wizard thought he was
working on a pomegranate, and he

patched him up into the best-looking
pomegranate you ever saw.

You see, I told you.

Uncle Charley.

How about finishing the story?

It's a good thing he went to sleep.

I didn't have a finish for it.

Good night.

Night.

There he is.

He looks like other people.

Yeah.

How many other people do you know that have been to the jungle
where they have those little parrots that holler at you?

And alligators are horsing around.

Something wrong?

Huh.

We just didn't want to butt in while you
were reading your sailor junk.

I'm not reading my sailor junk now.

Something I can do for you?

Well, this is my best friend, Ernie.

This is my uncle, Charlie.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi.

Isn't he going to tell us to shiver our
timbers or something?

How about this?

Blast me, barnacles!

What do you mean?

Boy, what a neat uncle I am.

All my uncle ever says is, what a fine little man I am.

Yeah, Bub and him must have learned to cook from
the same mother, because he sure makes neat desserts.

I'll still be aboard that ship Monday night.

Well, you're all ready.

Yeah, listen.

Be sure and thank your dad for everything
and say goodbye to Mike and tell Chip I'm

sorry he couldn't use me at that open house deal.

Couldn't use you?

He wanted you to come, but he knew you
were leaving tonight.

My car's out of place.

He wanted me to come?

Oh, sure.

That's why he ran out so fast this morning.

He hates for anybody to see him cry.

He hates for anybody to see him cry?

Chip, isn't your family coming tonight?

No, ma'am.

His dad's out of town on a business trip,
and his grandpa's in Ireland.

My mother will look at your junk if you want it, Chip.

It's okay.

Well, somebody ought to look at your junk, Chip.

What's he up to doing all that work and
nobody's going to see it?

Ernie.

Well, he's got no one to look at his junk.

Oh, yes, I have.

Uncle Charley!

Charley, oh, boy!

Oh.

Sorry I'm late, mate.

Had to cancel my plane ticket.

You canceled your plane ticket?

Oh, boy!

Well, so this is your cabin.

Yeah, you want to see my junk?

Sure, that's what I came for.

I did these two right here.

You did that all by yourself?

Yeah.

I am proud of you.

I think I got a cold coming.

That's Chip's Uncle Charley.

He horses around with alligators.

Oh, Dad.

Look, the eggs have suddenly stopped being watery.

Yeah, I think you ought to cook them a
little more, though, don't you?

I think the coffee's done, though.

Dad, well, you were glad Chip
and I brought up... Excuse me.

I'll pour Charlie his coffee.

Well, Charlie, now that you've missed your
ship, you can spend some more time with us, huh?

Yeah, we'll see.

Only you've got to let me pull my weight around here.

And you've also got to remember that Charlie
O'Casey never gets anchored in one port for very long.

Well, just remember, we'd be glad...

Mike, the eggs are burning.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, so's the bacon, Dad.

Oh, boy.

I thought you were watching this.

I'm sorry.

Well, we'll just have to throw it all out and start over.

Guys, this is a waste of time.

Rob, we have to eat, so it isn't a waste of time.

I'm sorry, Charley.

We'll have your breakfast in a little while.

No rush.

Rob, get some more eggs, will you?

Dad, when Uncle Charley wired the ship he
wasn't coming, they had to hire a new cook.

Well, that's what you did, huh?

You were a cook, Charlie.

Right.

You're a cook?

Right.

And a good cook is hard to find.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

He's letting you make breakfast.

President O'Connor, he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

Well.

Put it on.

You sure?

I'm sure.

Now, just relax, and I'll have your
breakfast ready in a minute.

No rush.

Stay tuned, Fandemonium viewers, because coming
up right now is one of the top ten most popular episodes.

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