05x21 - Be My Guest

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what's up?

I ordered the club special, okay?

Oh, yeah, fine.

Robbie, I wish you'd mention joining here to your father.

We could really have a ball.

Oh, boy, you don't have to convince me.

My dad would be glad to sponsor him.

Gee, that'd be great.

Let's sit down and eat.

I want to find the waiter so I can pay the check.

Well, they don't take cash here.

I just sign my parents' name for everything.

You know, this country club living gets
more appealing by the minute.

Then you will mention joining to your father?

Mention?

I'm going to develop a frantic sales pitch.

This place is the greatest.

Now if we can just convince Dad.

Don't count on it.

Listen, Steve's not much of a joiner.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

What size shorts do you wear?

Come on, give me those.

I've been to 26 since I was a cabin boy.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Dad, I'll bet you'll never guess what we
were talking about when you came in.

We were talking about the size of
Charley's shorts when he was a cabin boy.

What's the old country club?

Have you ever thought about joining?

Well, not in the last 15 or 20 minutes.

Why?

Why?

Well, Dad, listen, I was there today with
Polly Andrews, and they have this terrific

championship golf course, and have a
swimming pool, and billiards,

shuffleboard, paintball, football, and Polly Andrews.

Oh.

Who's Polly Andrews now?

Is she the one before Eleanor or after Susie?

Oh, you're way behind.

She's been the only woman in his life
since 4.30 yesterday afternoon.

Oh.

I told her I'd call her tonight and tell her.

But... Her dad is going to get guest cards for all of us
for next Saturday, and he invited you to play golf with him.

Well, that's very nice of him, Rob, but... Dad, please.

Do you always have to say bye?

But?

Well, no, of course not, but...

Dad?

You know, it wouldn't hurt us to go look around the place.

I mean, as long as we're invited.

Dad, you really owe yourself some golf.

You haven't played for months.

I know.

Yeah.

I may even dig up some clubs for myself.

I still got golf clothes from before I was
on the old Simon Gulliver.

Do you play golf at sea?

No, but I just might need them to beat off those
wealthy country club widows that'll be flocking around.

Now, look, it's not just going to be us
looking over the club.

They're going to be looking us over, too,
and we've got to make a good impression.

Can I at least call Paulie and tell her
we'll come Saturday, Dad, please?

Well, if it means that much to you, right?

Oh, thanks, Dad.

You're a real ugly purple.

Ugly purple?

That means tops, A1, ship shape.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

Can we join the country club?

Can they make me go to the dances?

I imagine dancing is optional, sure.

The rest of the family will be out later?

Yes, they're driving out with Mike.

He's my oldest boy.

This first hole's a par 5, huh?

That's right.



Where'd you hide the green?

It's over that hill.

Oh, here's the rest of our portion.

Good morning, Gary.

Good morning.

Boys, this is Steve Douglas.

This is Ed Clinton.

Steve.

George.

Cleveland.

George.

Steve, nice to know you.

What's your handicap, Steve?

Gary, I'm a 10, but I haven't had a club
in my hands for about two months.

I don't have a club.

I don't know if I can play to it.

A likely story.

Well, Ed's an 8, George is a 12, and
I'm 11, so you and I'll take them on, huh?

Fine.



That's fine with me.

Hope I don't lose too much money for you.

Oh, it's all right.

Gary's used to it.

Steve, you're the guest.

Lead the way.

Fine.

I've been trying to convince Steve he
should join Brookdale.

Fine.

I hope you know what guests are supposed
to do here at Brookdale, Steve.

What's that, Ed?

Lose.

Oh, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I'm pretty rusty.

Well, I thought you said you hadn't been
playing much lately.

Well, I probably won't hit another
drive like that the rest of the round, Ed.

How about that?

You don't think Jerry would?

Well, all this club needs is another golf hustler.

I think that's the pool area through there.

If you don't mind, Sally and I will go on ahead.

We want to change right into our beddings.

Yeah.

I think they're just going to head on the
counter here and just stop like that.

Like what?

This is a golf club, isn't it?

How else would a man dress?

Charlie, you're the only one working.

You're wearing short pants.

These aren't short pants, Buster.

They're knickers.

wh*res?

Knickers.

Golf knickers.

When they took golf knickers out of golf,
they took the heart out of the game.

Now, the girls' gym teachers' school wearers are black.

Now, look at that.

There's a fellow with a good golf swing.

You know, when I played golf with Bub,
I had a real good swing.

I'll show you.

You see?

You got to keep that arm stiff.

Lift that left arm there.

Leave this a little limp, you know?

Then you squat here a little bit.

You get down here, and you get all set, you know?

And then you holler, four!

But I hollered four!

This is life, isn't it?

Wonderful.

Hey, let's join after we're married.

Using what for money?

Well, I got it all figured out.

I'll consolidate my real estate holdings,
liquidate my stocks, and convert my bonds.

Your eyes are deep Amber, like twin pools of root beer.

Don't tell me you're thinking of food already.

No, I'm thinking of you.

And your lips.

Where'd you come from?

Oh, my good TV program's over.

Go hell with what you're talking about.

Oh, we weren't talking about anything.

Like to play ping pong?

Oh, we already did.

Oh.

I could put on my suit and we could horse
around the pool if you'd like.

We've been swimming, too.

Oh.

What?

I bet I know one thing you'd like.

What?

I bet you'd like me to get out of here.

Very perceptive kid.

I trained him myself.

Now, where was I?

Oh, that's good, George.

Pick it up.

Who are you, Jerry?

Yeah.

Thanks.

What happened?

Looks like they're going to let us win one.

Generous of them.

I'm right in your line, Steve.

How do you want to Mark?

Um, why don't you put out, Ed?

Here, go ahead.

Be careful, though.

It's a little tricky.

Oh, that's a tough break.

Yeah.

I bet it broke your heart.

Come on, Steve.

See?

Let's eat this.

Let's wrap up this whole chicken.

I don't think from here.

Oh, that's.

Another birdie.

Yeah, that's me today.

You know, this is the best round I ever had.

What a way to end the round.

I never got caught in a bind like that in my life.

Nice close shave.

Oh, great.

You must think you're pretty smart, ringing in a pro.

What are you talking about?

Monometer, huh?

Oh, come on.

He was as surprised as we were.

You just got hot out there today.

Sure did.

I put a bunch of good shots together the first time.

Well, lucky day, I guess.

Yeah.

Lucky enough to take us pretty good.

Oh, thanks, Ed.

Well, let's do this again sometime.

Give you boys a chance to get your money back.

Pass me.

No, thanks.

I'd rather play against the club pro.

Ah, that's a couple of sore losers.

I just hope they don't think I was lying
about my handicap or anything.

I played way over my head.

Oh, forget it.

Let's go find the family.

What the hell?

That's all.

Just trying to help.

Oh!

Nice bungee, guys.

A little touchy, but real nice.

Where'd he go?

Where'd he come from?

What's that?

Nick or nitwit?

Douglas, just control yourself.

What's the matter?

Matter?

I was playing a game with Harley Stevens when he came in.

I was all set to make a double bank shot,
which would win me the match, when he

grabbed my elbow and said, that's not the
way to do it, right in the middle of my stroke.

I not only missed the shot, but I tore a
five-inch hole in the pool table.

Who is it?

Oh, uh... Andrews is sponsoring his whole family.

You're head of the membership committee.

You're not going to let him in, are you?

I'll have a talk with Andrews.

Now, Otis, don't get so excited.

Just keep calm.

I'm calm.

I'm very calm.

I've only got one thing to say.

If you let that man in this club again, I'll burn it down.

Do you hear me?

I'll burn it down!

Well, I'm delighted you could all come out
and get acquainted.

Yeah, I got real well acquainted at the golf shop.

Yeah.

I made a couple of buddies.

Today, myself.

How about it, Dad?

Can we join?

Well, not so fast, Rob.

In the first place, I'd have to be
accepted by the membership committee.

Right, Jerry?

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

I'm sure the whole family made a fine impression.

Did you tell Mr. Douglas about the dance tonight, Daddy?

Oh, that's right.

Every Saturday night, we have a dinner dance.

And, of course, you're all invited.

Hey, that sounds great.

Marvelous.

Is that all right with you, Robbie?

Well, I'll have to check my social accounts.

Look, he'll be the first one here.

I don't think Uncle Charley and I can make it.

This is our big night for television.

Yeah, we don't make much of a couple on
the dance floor anyway.

But what about you, Steve?

Come on, Dad.

Well, thanks very much.

Good, 8 O'clock.

Mr. Andrews, excuse me, sir.

Mr. Hargraves would like to see you in the committee room.

Oh, thank you.

Will you excuse me, please?

Molly will take over.

Enjoy yourselves, everybody.

Oh, I'll see you tonight.

By time, of course, sir.

Hello, gentlemen.

Oh, Jerry, would you sit down, please?

Well, you certainly sound serious.

You sure you want to sponsor the Douglas
family for membership?

Well, I met him today.

His son is dating my daughter.

I'll find him a fine guy.

Well, it's not just Mr. Douglas.

My wife tells me it's other members of the family, too.

Oh, now, just because the old man was wearing knickers.

It's not just the knickers, Jerry.

Now, Ridgely was pretty upset in the card room.

Yes, and I had to pay $50 to repair the
felt on the pool table.

And I understand the youngest boy pushed
Mrs. Richards' poodle in the swimming pool?

I don't understand.

They didn't strike me as that kind of family at all.

Jerry, why don't you make it easy for them and for us?

Just drop your sponsorship.

Well, I invited him to the dinner dance tonight.

Tonight?

What about our poker game?

What about our poker game?

You certainly didn't invite him to play
poker with us tonight.

You can't just let this golf hustler come in here.

He probably will clean us at poker, too.

Well, now, I don't know.

Strikes me the poker game is a pretty fair
test of any man's character.

Agreed.

How about it, gentlemen?

Tonight, the acid test?

I don't see Daddy, but, well, I'm sure
he'll be here any minute.

Well, why don't you kids go in and dance?

There's no use wasting that music.

Okay, Dad.

I'll wait for Mr. Anderson.

Paula, I'll be right in.

All right.

Dad.

Yeah, Mom?

Would you please try to, well, watch it tonight?

No, you better watch it.

I don't want to lose too much money playing poker.

Dad, what I mean is, after what we heard
this afternoon about Chip and the golfers,

and the golf shop, and the poodle in the
pool, and Uncle Charley's knickers,

and the c*ck waiter and stuff, I'd just
like to make an extra good impression tonight.

Okay, Rob, I'll try to watch it.

Yeah, you know, just be sort of, you know, debonair.

Well, I won't guarantee that I'll be debonair.

Dad, I'll see you later.

Well, Steve, shall we stop at the bar and
knock off a drink?

Jerry, I've just knocked off about four.

Did you have?

I knocked the whole tray up on the floor.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the
washroom to dry off a little.

Yeah, well, I'll wait for you in the card room.

Hi.

Hi.

Big turnout tonight.

Yes.

Excuse me.

May I have a word with you?

Sure.

Mr. Henshaw, I'm Tom Hargraves,
chairman of the membership committee.

Hi.

I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you to turn in your name.

Turn in your guest card and leave.

Leave?

Well, I'm here as a guest of Mr. Ferguson.

I was here last week.

I realize that.

We just don't like the way you play cards.

Are you insinuating that I'm cheating?

We'd appreciate it if you'd leave as quietly
and with as little disturbance as possible.

This is an outrage.

You'll never see me in this club again.

That's the general idea.

Hello.

Me too.

Well, I don't suppose my three queens will hold up, but...

King High Straight.

I caught that Jack right in the middle.

You see, I keep forgetting.

Does a flush beat a straight?

Flush beats a straight.

Well, I guess I win that.

I have a hard flush there.

I'm sorry, Steve.

I played out of turn.

Oh, that's okay.

Cigars, Steve?

No, thanks.

I have my pipe right here.

All right, gentlemen.

Andy won, and we'll play the same game.

Jacks are better.

Andy, Steve?

So?

Would it be all right if we took off our coats?

Oh, I think it's very comfortable.

Oh, it's fine.

Now, what about it, Jerry?

You want to open?

I own for two reds.

Are you in, Steve?

Oh, what did you open for, Jerry?

Two reds.

I'll stay.

I'll stay.

Cards, gentlemen?

Me, too.

Steve?

I'll take four.

Four.

One, please.

Give me one, Tom.

Your bet, Jerry.

My bet?

Two brews.

Are you raising, Steve?

Raising?

No, no, no.

Two is the bet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Two blue.

Now, it's too rich for me.

Three aces.

Meets me.

Well, I'm afraid I, uh...

I drew four Jacks.

You drew four Jacks?

You dare.

To explain, Mr. Douglas?

Gentlemen, I swear I'm not used to going
around with cards in my dinner jacket.

I don't know how to do it.

I.

Want to tell you, the whole thing was a nightmare.

They all thought I was a card shop, and I don't blame them.

There were aces in all the pockets.

The aces came flying out of the sleeve.

Charley, did you rig my coat?

Me?

I didn't think of it.

We made a great little impression.

I'll bet you Pauly won't even speak to me.

Boy, first Chip in the poodle, then Dad being
accused of being a golf hustler and a card cheater.

I got along fine.

So I spilt a couple of c*ck.

Hey, wait a minute.

This isn't my wallet.

This isn't my coat.

Who's ringing this time of the night?

Probably the Bunko Squad.

Yes.

Oh, come in, gentlemen.

We brought back your coat, with our apologies.

Your wallet's in the inside pocket.

Oh, thanks.

This coat I've been wearing with all the aces in it belongs
to somebody by the name of Henshaw, whoever he is.

Well, he was a professional card sharp
who's been hanging around the club.

Oh.

Yeah, he came back for his coat.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

For a while there, I didn't even trust myself.

Won't you come in and sit down?

No, thanks.

We've got to get right back.

Steve, as chairman of the membership
committee, I'd like to co-sponsor you with Jerry.

I know you and your family would be a
great addition to the club.

Yeah, great.

Well, that was very nice of you both.

We had a wonderful time out there, Jerry,
but I think we'd better just leave it at that.

Is it because you're annoyed at being suspected, Steve?

No.

I promised Rob to go as your guest
because, well, it seemed to mean a lot to him.

Actually, I'm out of town so much
traveling that I really wouldn't get a

chance to use the club enough to make it
worth my while to join.

Maybe sometime later.

Well, I'll call you one of these days and
we'll have another round of golf.

That is, if you'll promise to be my partner.

Our loss, Steve.

Good night, Doc.

Thank you.

Thank you, Dad.

Now what am I going to do about my
swimming date with Polly?

Ask her to come over and turn the sprinklers on her?

Hey, take her to the park.

The city plunge.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Steve, I must say you could have said something
sooner about not really planning to join the club.

Sooner of what?

I wasted two hours pressing my golf knickers.

Professor, you should have burned them.

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