05x30 - Steve and the Computer

[bunniefuu]

This.

Is the age of the computer.

The big, complicated mechanical marvel
watches over us like a giant, pulsating brain.

Today, it indexes our past, controls our
present, predicts our future.

It tells us what we will buy, where we will
go, and what we will do when we get there.

But who is to say that tomorrow the
machine will not be the master and we only

robots, allowed to exist merely to push its buttons?

Someday our daily lives might even, well, see for yourself.

Good morning, Charlie.

Good morning, Steve.

What are you having for breakfast?

I'll, uh, I'll find out.

Dry toast and black coffee.

Funny, I thought I wanted pancakes.

Who knows best?

You or the computer.

Morning, Dad.

Good morning, Chip.

Morning, Uncle Charlie.

Morning.

What did it say?

Go back up and wash your ears.

That machine never sleeps.

Morning, Dad.

Good morning, Rob.

Good morning, Uncle Charlie.

Morning.

Good morning, Betsy.

Corned beef hash and poached eggs and
pancakes with maple syrup.

Betsy really knows how to feed a growing boy.

I told you some black comedy.

She must have overheard me yesterday when
I happened to mention I'd gained a few pounds.

I'm going to the office and try out the computer there.

Maybe if it's in a good mood, I can get something to eat.

I'll see you during the coffee break.

I'll see you.

Bye.

Good morning, Mr. Douglas.

Good morning, Miss Baxter.

Your mail.

Oh, thanks.

Now, let's see.

I have a conference with Mr. Elroy
scheduled for 9 O'clock, right?

That's right.

But I've already taken care of it.

I put your cards in the computer, and the
computer started your conference without you.

Oh, good.

Let us know how it comes out, huh?

We'll be at the golf course.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, this will be my last day here.

The computer has decided to replace me.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

With whom, Miss Baxter?

With another computer.

Well, we all have to go sometime, don't we?

Two hundred.

Twenty-five yards right down the middle.

Nice drive, Ed.

Oh, thanks.

Now, let's see.

See you right there.

Oh.

Over the right side under that big tree.

I wish I could get rid of that fade.

Well, maybe I'll get better as we go along.

Let's see what happens.

Okay.

Now.

Oh.

I lost to you again.

If you want 11 holes, I want 7.

That puts you 4 up.

I owe you a dollar.

You have just seen the golf game of tomorrow.

The day after tomorrow, computers will
play each other, and we will be the caddies.

But today, our computer is not some
fantastic mechanical monster.

It's just a piece of machinery.

Or is it?

Hi.

Hi, honey.

Professor Giuliano told me you were here.

Oh, Sally, meet Betsy.

I think you two girls ought to know each other.

She reminds me of a girl I went to school with.

Great brain and just about the same measurements.

What did you do with those questionnaires
Mike and I filled out?

The marriage questionnaires you filled out
at the party the other night?

Well, they're here.

Hey, what was the idea of all those questions?

Oh, well, they're part of my study of the
personality, the background, the interest

factors which make for the most successful marriages.

Now, I guarantee you that this computer will pick out
the ideal couples with no guesswork and no mistakes.

Hey, why don't you put me on the phone?

Mike's card.

I'm with a girl.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll take Mike's card.

Put it through the machine.

And here we have the answer.

Here's a happy couple.

Mike Douglas and Laura Lee Royce.

What?

Laura Lee.

What happened to Sally?

Well, her card was in there with all the other girls.

I guess Betsy must have rejected her.

I thought you said that Betsy doesn't make mistakes.

She doesn't.

Not according to the criteria, I understand.

Well, I got news for you.

This time, Betsy goofed.

See you later, Al.

Now, wait a minute, Mike.

Honey, we haven't got much time.

Could you do the same thing with my card?

Yeah.

Sally, you don't actually believe in this stuff.

Well, of course not.

It's fascinating, like a fortune cookie.

Besides, I want to find out who I should
marry instead of you.

All right.

Here it goes.

There's your answer.

Sally Morrison and Charles Embry.

I don't even know him.

Neither do I.

Well, there, you see, that proves the
computer's off its rocker.

I know Charles Embry.

Oh.

Well, I think we've had enough fun and games for today.

Goodbye, Al.

Oh, goodbye, Betsy.

Come on.

Oh, honey, come on.

Bye, Al.

Goodbye.

Don't.

Let our giant computer scare you.

The card with your question goes in here.

How much is it?

Well, a yes or no question costs a penny.

And your card.

And we'll put this in here.

And your answer.

Hey, the machine's right.

I asked it if my name was Bobby and it answered yes.

Well, you're going to have to excuse me.

I have to do some minor repairs on our computer.

Boy.

All right?

All right.

But you've got to speed it up.

A man could answer a question that fast.

But gosh, I've got to grab the card, press
the buzzer, ring the bell, stamp the card.

And besides, I have to have time to think
about the question.

That's the step we're going to eliminate.

Machines don't think.

They just answer.

Okay, next.

You can ask that machine anything.

It doesn't matter.

It's magic.

Don't tell anybody, but I'm asking Chip's
computer if I should run away from home on Monday.

How come Monday?

My music lesson.

This question's yes or no.

That's a penny.

I've been working on her, and she's faster than ever.

I mean, he's faster than ever.

Boy!

It is fast.

Computer says yes.

So long, Chip.

Got a lot of things to do.

Get the answer you wanted?

Sure did.

Okay, Ernie, that's all the business for today.

This answering questions makes me hungry.

You think your Uncle Charley could feed
the machine a peanut butter sandwich?

Let's go ask him.

Have you ever dated her?

Who?

Laura Lee Rice.

I hardly even know her.

What happened?

How can you be sure?

Honey, I am sure.

Mike, you can't just laugh off a computer.

It's like saying two and two doesn't make four.

The computer has spoken.

Who are we to disagree?

Who do we have to be?

I just don't like the idea of Laura Lee
Rice coming along and breaking us up.

I want you to take her out.

Make sure before we get married.

Take her out?

You're kidding.

I'm not kidding.

You're kidding.

Okay.

My first free night, I'll call her up and
ask her for a date.

When?

Well, let's see.

I'm dating up with you clear to the wedding.

Maybe I can work her in after the honeymoon.

Information.

I'd like the telephone number of Miss Laura Lee Rice.

R-O-Y-C-E.

Sally, you don't have to be logical,
but please stop being ridiculous.

Yes.

Oh, what a guy has to go through.

Now I gotta get the consent of a computer.

Uh, did you enjoy the movie, Laura Lee?

Very much.

So did I.

Of course, I like all of Fellini's pictures.

Me too.

But the best scene is the one in the cemetery.

Oh, yes.

That was the best scene in the picture by far.

Um, what's your major?

Psychology.

Mine too.

What a coincidence.

What a coincidence.

We even talk together.

Let's see now.

Well, let me, uh, I think I'm going to
have the hot French double delight.

That's my favorite.

Only I have them leave off the coconut and
put on a maraschino cherry.

You read my mind.

Our tastes are exactly alike.

Uh, did you hear the one about the king's wine tasting?

Sister, the wine had been poisoned,
and just as he was falling over,

he grabbed for his throat and he said,
Not with a chicken, too dry.

Oh, you heard it.

Yeah, Tommy Wilson told me.

He told me, too.

Hi, honey.

The experiment was a success.

It turned out miserably.

Laura Lee and I have everything in common.

No surprises.

It was a delightful bore.

Hi.

Mike, this is Chuck Embry.

Chuck, Mike Douglas.

Oh, hi.

How do you do?

Hi.

Chuck?

Charles Embry III.

The guy that came out of the computer?

We agreed.

Gee, it's nice to meet you, Mike.

I've heard a lot about you.

Say, can I get you some coffee?

Uh, no.

No, thank you.

I think I'll, uh... I think I'll be running over.

All right, Mike.

I'll see you tomorrow night, honey.

Or, Sally.

Honey.

Good night.

I'll call you later.

Oh, hi, Jeff.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Chip here?

Yeah, he's around here someplace.

Come on in.

Chip here!

Yo!

Jeff's down here.

Mr. Douglas?

Mm-hmm?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure, Jeff.

What is it?

You know about computers and things.

Did they ever make a mistake?

Well, Jeff, I've never known what a mistake.

Except in the, uh, problem of human relations.

Uh, parent relations?

Well, this is a different kind of relation, Jeff.

Hi, Jeff.

Good.

Hi, Chip.

You got a knapsack I can borrow?

Yeah, upstairs.

What do you want with it?

Oh, nothing.

Hey, Dad, I've been thinking about that darn computer.

Boy, everybody's computer happy around here.

You know what we ought to do?

Put on our spike shoes and grab a couple of baseball
bats and go out and play a game of bust the computer.

Well, I've been trying to figure out a way
out of this mess.

And I think I've got a clue, at least.

What?

Oh?

Dad, would you mind coming out of the university and
filling out one of those marriage questionnaires of Al's?

You mean now?

Yeah.

You want me to fill one out?

One for you and one for Mom.

Oh, I get it, Mike.

Then if the computer doesn't match up our
cards, it'll show how wrong it can be.

Yeah, and even Sally will see that a
computer isn't some sort of infallible oracle.

Well, maybe you've got something there, Mike.

Let's go.

Oh, good.

Put my coat in the closet.

Oh, okay.

One of the smartest fellas I ever knew swore
your mother and I were completely mismatched.

He had a brain like a computer.

Who was he?

His name was Avery Hamilton.

He thought he would have been the ideal husband for her.

He's going to compute all the information, and we
will find out who should have been your proper mate.

All right, take it out.

It'll be interesting to see who should
have been your mother, Mike.

Yeah.

I don't believe it.

It picked Mom.

Oh, no.

If Sally finds out about this, oh, let's go.

Al, now, this is silly.

That thing just couldn't be that smart.

I mean, it just got lucky or something.

Let's try it again, huh?

Oh, if I try it again, the same thing will happen.

It will.

Al, there's something wrong about this whole thing.

I mean, if this machine... If this
machine can tell you who you ought

to marry, it can tell you what you
ought to eat, what you ought to...

I mean, it could run your whole life for you.

Dad, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.

I, uh...

I thought... I thought I heard you yell.

Oh, I was having kind of a bad dream.

Maybe I did yell.

Oh, what's going on?

Well, I got to thinking about that computer picking your
mother's card and mine, and it was a little disconcerting.

I came up here to see if I could
straighten myself out or something.

Are those Mom's letters?

Yeah.

Oh, well, I don't want to bother you.

I guess I'll go back to bed.

No, no, wait a minute, Mike.

Stay here.

Here's the one I was looking for.

I'm glad you came up, Mike.

I want you to hear this.

Dear Steve, it's very difficult to write this, but I must.

I've decided to break our engagement.

Dad.

I don't think it is possible for people as
unsuited as we are to be happy.

How anyone could say that writers like
Thomas Wolfe and A.E.

E.E.

Cummings are mediocre is beyond me.

As for politics, we're completely at odds.

Your stand on the tariff question is too
juvenile for words.

What was your stand?

Well, I guess it was too juvenile to remember, Mike.

We just don't seem to agree on anything.

There's not your golf, the Lambeth Walk,
and the final straw was last night when I

found out you couldn't stand Give Her a Chance.

Who was Give Her a Chance?

Oh, he was an orchestra leader.

Glide and dance with Give Her a Chance.

I'm sorry, Steve, it would be a tragic mistake to go on.

But, darling, whatever is ahead for me, I shall always...

Well, I guess you get the point, huh?

You and Mom were pretty far apart, too.

Yes, if we'd had to depend on a computer,
we'd never have made it.

But what about the questionnaire?

Well, Mike, I answered those questions
about your mother and me as I remembered

us after 12 years of compromises,
adjustments, and growing together.

The two people on those cards as I filled
them out just weren't the same people who

were thinking of getting married 12 years before.

Dad, that's it.

That proves why computers aren't always accurate.

All they know is the information that's fed into them.

And if that's not complete, neither is the answer.

That's it.

Well, I'm going over to Sally's.

Well, Mike... I think it's just a little late, isn't it?

I don't care.

If she's asleep, I'll throw pebbles at her window.

This is too important to wait till tomorrow.

Good night, Pat.

Good night.

Yes?

If your fastball's as good as your curve, we
could use you tomorrow against the Giants.

I didn't care how late it was.

I had to tell you something.

Mike... Mike... I've been silly.

No, you haven't.

Yes, I have.

No, you haven't.

Yes, you have.

And that settles it, Sally.

And now, let's all get some sleep.

Come.

On, I'll walk you to your car.

I was just going over to your place.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi, Jeff.

You know what Jeff asked our computer?

No.

His mother's looking for him.

Oh, boy, are we in trouble.

Bobby Ringenbaugh told me Jeff asked our
computer if he should run away from home.

And our computer said yes.

You mean you said yes?

Well, it was your idea not to think about the questions.

Come on, we better go find him.

Oh, hi, you guys.

How's the computer racket?

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Mike.

You sound great.

But, uh, where you been all... Oh, uh, Sally
and I went on a... Well, who's female computer?

Royce.

I thought, uh, Al and the computer picked her out for you.

Went back to check her computer card.

Oh, and it matched her up with Al.

While Al was checking her card,
their hands happened to touch and wham.

Oh, well, that'll teach her to fool around
with a computer with wet hands.

Hey, Jeff, you, uh, going camping?

I just came to bring back Chip's knapsack.

Oh, fine, I'll give it to you.

You know, Mr. Douglas, I reckon the lesson
was canceled anyway.

The lesson?

Yeah, it just goes to show you,
computers can make mistakes.

You know something, Jeff?

Hey, Mr. Douglas.

Goodbye, Jeff.

We're scheduled off the standard
full-length versions of these classic My3.