06x08 - Monsters and Junk Like That

[bunniefuu]

Now, boys, I want you to listen very carefully.

Please do not volunteer your fathers
unless you're sure that they're willing to appear.

We want this father and son program to be
the best one that we've ever had.

All right, Pete.

Put me down with my dad.

Dad, Dad and I play harmonicas together.

He gets a big charge out of it.

All right, good.

Now, who's next?

Ernest.

I thought I wanted to hear my dad.

Good.

What sort of an act do you do?

I don't know.

I haven't been in the family long enough.

But I know he'd want to be in a father and
son show with me.

Well, Ernest, perhaps you'd better wait
and talk it over with him.

No, ma'am.

I want to volunteer now, before there
ain't any room for us.

Isn't.

Don't worry, Ernest.

I'll save a place on the program for you.

Ernie, look.

Come on.

You're too young to be in love and too old
for the colleague.

So what is it?

Some big kid after you?

Worse than that.

I told my teacher me and my dad would be
in the father and son program.

And Chip just told me dad can't do anything.

He can't do anything?

Why, that's ridiculous.

Steve can, uh, well, what he can do is, uh,
come to think of it, you do have a problem.

Well, it's not the end of the world.

It's just the end of Ernie Douglas.

Hey, wait a minute, Ernie.

There must be something your dad can do, uh.

What?

He was in a couple of plays at college, uh.

You two could act or something.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Oh, but when would he have time to rehearse?

He's so busy.

Well, maybe there's something that he could just
walk around and he wouldn't have to learn any lines.

Great.

What play is that?

Uh, I don't know.

Hey, why don't you write a play for him, huh?

You too, you know?

You got a pen and plenty of paper.

That's all you need.

Me?

Sure, when you get to look at it.

If he was to stand next to you, he'd look ten feet tall.

Yeah, like a real giant.

Yeah, like one of them monsters.

Sure.

I could be the good guy and I could k*ll him.

And all he'd have to do is to grunt and fall down dead.

He'd leave.

Now you're talking.

That's what I call a father and son program.

Thanks, Uncle Charley.

Even Dad would know how to be a dead monster.

Where's Ernie, huh?

He's upstairs with a do not disturb sign on his door.

Oh, would you tell him dinner's ready?

Yeah.

Well, tell him again, huh?

Give him time.

I happen to know he's working on something very important.

Well, important or not, Charley, he has to have dinner.

Ernie!

Oh, there you are.

Look, here it is.

How did you know I was a writer?

Oh, did you have to write something for school, Ernie?

School?

And me?

And you, Dad?

We're having a father and son night.

And all the guys who do junk with their
fathers are going to do junk in front of everybody.

Like Pete and his dad playing clunky harmonicas.

I volunteered you.

Oh, fine, Ernie.

What do I have to do?

It's a play.

Well, you won't have to take a
lot of time to rehearse because

all you do is be a giant and get k*lled and clunk around.

Well, I think I can handle that.

I don't have to say anything, huh?

No, I do all the talking.

And boy, just wait till I tell Mrs. King and the
other kids that my dad and me have the best act.

Even though my dad can't do anything.

What night do we do this, Ernie?

Not until next week.

Oh, but I think we ought to start rehearsals right
after dinner tonight so I can get my part down real well.

Steve, you should have seen him this afternoon.

Saddest looking kid on the block because he
couldn't figure out what you two could do together.

A week for Friday night, my dad will be
the best monster that ever died.

Friday night, Ernie?

A week from Friday night?



On account the show might run till 9.

But the kids can sleep late on Saturday.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ernie, but I won't be able to make it.

I have to be in Washington a week from Friday night.

Steve.

Charley, it's been on my calendar for a month.

I have a very important meeting at the Pentagon.

Well, Dad, couldn't you postpone the meeting?

Postpone a meeting at the Pentagon?

Well, Dad, maybe if you explain to the
Pentagon, you know, that junk about being

a dad, kids are going to grow up to be leaders.

You have to show me care and junk like that.

It just can't be done.

Steve, there must be some way.

Don't worry about it, Dad.

A play about giants and kids is kind of silly anyway.

I'll bet Shakespeare didn't sell his first play either.

I thought your junkie play sounded sort of good, Ernie.

Hey, Ernie, how about a giant who turned
out to be a brother who was in college?

No, this is father and son night.

Let's forget it.

Ernie, any adult that stood next to you
would sort of look like a giant, wouldn't he?

Wouldn't have his dad?

I realize that, Chip, but if that's not possible,
then you have to do the next best thing.

You get another adult.

Like what other adult?

Uncle Charley?

Who else?

Well, sure.

Well, he'd be big and old and a terrific monster.

How about that, Ernie?

Well, I don't know, maybe.

Ernie, Uncle Charley was involved, Bill.

He knows all about show business.

When you come to think of it, it'll be a
lot better this way.

I didn't say I'd do it.

In front of all those people with a kid?

Well, uh, will you?

Yes.

Gee, thanks.

Well, as long as you're acting, act a little enthused.

Well, then it's all settled, huh?

I just wish I could be here to see you.

Hey, Ernie.

Ernie, this makes you a regular member of the family.

Dad was supposed to be there the day I
pitched my no-hit game, but it was in Denver.

Oh, yeah, yeah, and the time I won the
swimming meet, I had to wait a whole week

for Dad to return from London so I could
show him the cup, but I got over it.

Well, I'll get over it, too, I guess.

Excuse me.

Chip, I was there when you pitched your no-hitter.

I know that, Dad.

And I was there when you... Yeah, I know,
Dad, but, uh, well, we tried to make it easier.

Oh, well,

that's the kind of stuff that k*lled vaudeville.

What's vaudeville?

Eh, what's the difference?

It's dead.

Well, that was very, very nice.

Now, um, we have the first run-through of
a play written by Ernie Douglas.

Are you ready, Ernie?

Yes, ma'am.

This play is entitled The Terrible Giant
Bad Guy and stars Ernest and his father.

Mr. King, my uncle and my father.

Oh, excuse me, correction.

The part of the giant will be read by
Ernest's Uncle Charley.

Ladies and gentlemen and kids, this play is
about a big iron giant that has lived for 1,000 years.

It is about a giant that has lived for 1,000 years.

It is about a giant that has lived to
attack our city, of which I am in.

We will try to stop it.

I thank you.

Very worried about saving my city.

Where's my chief of police?

Here I am, Mr. Mayor, and I have bad news for you.

The giant is outside the city.

He's torn down all the trees in the forest
and destroyed many houses.

If this keeps up, there's going to be trouble.

It looks like our only hope is our local mad scientist.

Did I hear someone call the mad scientist?

I see you have your secret ray g*n with
which we can k*ll the giant with.

I think it's ready.

I will test it.

Oh, woe is me.

The g*n does not work.

I'll have to go back to my lever.

Lever.

Back to my office.

Can nothing save us?

That's the kind of stuff that k*lled Vaudeville.

What's Vaudeville?

Oh, never mind.

I can save you.

I perfected my secret ray g*n.

My father perfected it.

Try to get out of here.

I am shot.

Is this the end of Little Rico?

At this rate, I am shot.

I am shot.

Right will always win.

Now we can raise our children in peace.

We thank you.

Wonderful.

Wasn't that a most exciting play, gentlemen?

I knew we could do it without you, Steve.

Hold, hold this.

How was I, Ernie?

Just fine, Uncle Charlie.

How'd you like the line I threw in at the end?

Okay.

I play the different from the script.

Every actor has his own ideas, you know.

Sure, Uncle Charlie.

Well, Ernest.

Ernest, your father's going to have to go some
tomorrow night to do the part as well as your Uncle Charlie.

My dad's not going to be in the play, Mrs. King.

He's going to Washington.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ernest.

I know how disappointed you must be.

I'm not disappointed.

Uncle Charlie's a very good monster.

Mrs. King, I brought a camera.

Do you think we can get all the fathers
and sons together for a picture?

Well, certainly.

Gentlemen, would you line up by the
blackboard, please, for a photograph?

Come on, Ernie.

Let you and I get in the picture.

Come on.

Oh, Mr. O'Casey, since you're not a
father, why don't you take the picture?

Yeah, well, I was going to...

Well, you get in the picture anyway, eh?

Yeah.

I wish you could have seen Ernie's face last night.

The other kids were with their dads,
and all Ernie had was me.

Well, Charlie, I'd give anything to be
there, but I just can't.

My plane leaves in an hour, I've
got all my charts and papers, and at 9.



A very crucial meeting.

Now, you tell me how I can be in
Ernie's school at 7.30, and... Yeah, I know.

I have to leave early.

Check on the props and jump.

Have a nice trip.

Oh, thanks, Ernie.

Now, you and Uncle Charlie knock them dead tonight, huh?

Yeah.

We sure will.

Uncle Charlie falls dead better than any
monster I've ever seen.

Look, kid, I was a pro before you were born.

Have you tried on your outfit yet?

Yeah, I picked it up at the costume place at noon.

Fits like a glove.

You have to wear a costume?

Yeah, I'm the Iron Giant.

I wear these here iron drawers, you know.

I tried to get Ernie to rewrite the play and make
me King Arthur, but you know these stubborn writers.

Okay, Uncle Charlie.

I'll expect you at school made up and ready to go.

I'm ready by seven.

Bye, Dad.

Ernie, you know I wouldn't let you down if I could help it.

I know, Dad.

Okay.

See you when I get back, huh?

Bye, Dad.

Well, that's that.

Charlie, I wonder if I...

No, no, I couldn't.

What?

Well, I was thinking, Robbie could drive
you to the airport and you could meet Joe

Walters and give him all the charts and papers.

I could drive straight to school and fall dead and then
make a beeline for the airport and catch a later plane.

And Joe could set up the charts and make
excuses till I get there.

Why don't we do that?

Steve, I take back all the things I've
been thinking about you.

Hey, first I better see if I can get into that costume.

Where is it, Charlie?

In my room.

All right.

I can't wait to see the look on Ernie's
face when you walk in.

Oh, boy.

So, Mr. Walters, we'll see you with the
charts and stuff at the airport.

Dad will meet you later at the Pentagon.

He wants you to keep things moving until he gets there.

Oh, no, he's not sick.

It's just sort of a family emergency.

Yeah, okay.

Goodbye.

Hey, Steve, we're ready to leave.

I got your briefcase and your grip, Dad.

Sure you got everything, huh, Cheryl?

Oh, my God.

Hey,

that's what I call a real monster.

Well, I don't think it looks much like a monster.

It's more like a robot.

But if Ernie thinks it looks like a monster, that's okay.

After all, he's the author.

I just thought I'd better try this thing on to see if
I could get into it before I got over at the school.

It's a little snug.

It would be.

It just fit me, and you're a lot bigger.

Yeah.

How about what's the difference, as long as you got it on?

Yeah, well, I'd better get it off.

You fellas better get going.

You don't want to miss Joe now.

You sure you can get out there?

Maybe I should get a can opener.

Hey, I don't want to ruin it.

I'm going to be in a play.

Now, go on, you guys.

Go.

Come on.

Ooh!

Put the helmet on first.

Hey, fellas!

Put the helmet on first.

What.

Am I trying to do?

My house key is in my pocket.

Can I walk to the school by 7.30?

No, I can't walk to the school by 7.30.

Oh, hello, Mr. Monster.

Hello, Hattie.

I'm not really a monster.

I'm Mr. Douglas, your next-door neighbor, remember?

Is your daddy home?

No.

Oh, well, is your mommy home?

Yes.

Oh, well, could I talk to her, please?

Sure.

She's in the bathtub.

Oh, well, I'd better not talk to her right now.

I'll tell you, I don't think she'd mind if
I use your phone.

It's very important.

Sure, Mr. Monster.

Come in.

There you are, Mr. Monster.

Oh, thanks, Betty.

Uh, Pammy, would you dial for me, please?

I'm not allowed to.

Oh, well, just the old Pammy.

Will you tell my mommy?

No, no, no, it'll be our secret, Pammy.

Is the old the one that looks like a donut?

Yes, yes, you just dialed the donut, Pammy, that's right.

That's fine, thank you.

Uh.

Pammy, could you hold the telephone up to my ear?

I will.

Thank you.

Uh, hello, operator?

Operator, uh, could you get me the...

I'm sorry, operator, my visor dropped down.

I said my visor... Well, never mind, operator.

Look, this is an emergency and I can't dial.

Would you just get me the Bryant Park Cab Company, please?

Fine.

I'm sorry to put you in all this bother, Pammy.

That's all right, Mr. Rodster.

Uh, hello.

Hello, uh, Bryant Park Cab Company.

Could you send a cab out to 835 Mill
Street right away, please?

You can't?

Well, how... It won't be for how long?

But I haven't got time.

I'm in a... I said I'm in a hurry.

Hello?

Hello?

Uh, you can put it down, Pammy.

They're hung up.

Well, thanks.

Thanks very much, Pammy.

You're welcome, Mr. Monster.

Mr. Monster, you going out to look for people?

No, Pammy.

I'm going to look for the, uh, Bryant Park Elementary.

Good night.

Oh, good night.

Hey, Ernie, the show's going to start in a minute, and
Miss King wants to know if your Uncle Charley showed up yet.

No, but he'll be here.

I know he will.

Pardon me, madam.

Could you spare a dime?

I have to find a phone booth and make a
phone call so they can come and pick me up.

They'd better hurry.

Hurry?

The only reason I have this outfit on is
because I'm doing a father and son thing

over at the school and I'm late already, you see.

You certainly go to a lot of trouble for a dime.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate this.

Thank you.

Sonny, I just dropped a dime.

Would you mind picking it up for me?

Sure, mister.

Hey, there is a dime there.

Yeah, yeah.

So that's why you're giving away.

Yes.

Wait, son.

Just a minute.

Miss King's getting worried.

I'm not.

Uncle Charlie will be here.

Okay.

Go away.

Nice.

Go away.

Go away.

Go away.

Oh, hello, officers.

I'm sure glad to see you fellas.

You won't be so glad when you find out
where we're taking you.

Oh, well, I can explain this.

See, I was going to do a plane.

I lost my keys.

Ernie, you're on next.

Uncle Charley's practically here.

Dear, I hope we don't have to cancel the play.

I'll have Pete and his father play another selection.

You.

Wouldn't believe me if I told you, Ernie.

We.

Are behind pair.

You been on yet?

All you missed was the other guys from their dance.

Come on, Dad.

Okay, well, we don't see them yet.

No, Dad, we'll see you later.

I'm ready, Mrs. King.

Come on, Dad.

Okay.

Watch your antenna.

So everything went okay in Washington, eh, Steve?

Everything went fine, Charlie.

Can I get you some more cookies, Dad?

No, thanks, Ernie.

Would you like some more coffee, Dad?

No, I've had plenty, thanks.

You want me to go and get your slippers, Dad?

No, I'm very comfortable, thank you.

Knock it off, Ernie.

Ernie, we know you appreciate what Dad did for you.

If you want to thank somebody,
thank the police who got him to school,

waited for him, and got him to the plane on time.

Yeah, with their siren going.

And don't forget that fella at the airport who
cut him out of that sardine can with his blowtorch.

That'd have felt pretty silly, clanking
into the Pentagon with that outfit on.

They probably would have shot me right into orbit again.

We'll be right back.