06x13 - Marriage and Stuff

[bunniefuu]

You know, it's a lucky thing for us they
don't let people into Hong Kong on their looks.

We'd never make it.

I look like I'm sick to my stomach.

I was.

That was the day I beat Freddy in the pizza eating contest.

And I won a double strawberry malted as a prize.

I think the anchovies got me.

Dad, how come we each don't have our own passports?

Well, this way I can keep you all in my pocket.

What about Uncle Charley?

Well, he's in the Merchant Marine.

He's had a passport forever, I think.

We'll just have to sort of keep an eye on him.

He's been acting sort of weird ever since he
found out we were going to take the trip to Hong Kong.

He has?

Yeah, Dad.

I made a slingshot out of one of my old sneakers with
his razor, and he didn't even string me up by the thumbs.

I'll get it.

Dad, you better tell him to start packing his junk.

You mean he hasn't tried packing yet?

No.

Oh, hi, Lori.

Well, gee, that'd be swell, but I can't.

Oh, we're going to Hong Kong tomorrow.

Well, you see, Dad's in the airplane
business, and they're ferrying this plane

over to Hong Kong, and Dad has to meet
this guy, so we all get to go along.

Charley, why aren't you packing?

Who's that?

That's Lucy.

Her real name was Kwan Lucy.

Here's the runner, Sam.

I was just a kid when we came into Hong
Kong on the old Betsy Hobart.

I got done up on my whites and hired a
sandpan to take me ashore.

That's a small Chinese boat.

She was rowing it.

She ran me over to the Star Ferry.

And that night, when I came back from
Kowloon, there she was again.

I asked if she ever slept, and she said sure.

She slept while she was waiting for me.

She's very pretty, Charley.

I got to know her pretty good.

We used to take the tramway and go up to the top of
Victoria Peak, and sometimes we'd take the old Star Ferry.

And then one day, the old Betsy Hobart
up-anchored before I could tell Lucy to wait for me.

You never went back, huh?

Sure.

Ten years later, in the Merchant Marine,
they don't put in where the chief cook wants.

And where do you write to somebody who
lives on a floating house?

Charley, are you trying to tell me something?

Yeah.

I'm not going.

But you've got to go, Charley.

Who says?

I'm not going back there and rake up all those memories.

You've got to go for two reasons.

One, you just might run into Lucy again, and
two, well, it just wouldn't be a family trip without you.

Hey, you really think we might run into her?

Well, why not?

You know, just the other day I ran into... Vincent Wardell.

Of course, you don't know who he is, but,
well, I haven't seen him since high school.

Yeah, well, running into Vincent Wardell
in downtown Bryant Park and finding Lucy

in Hong Kong ain't exactly the same kind of thrill, Steve.

Uh,

Rob, why do we wait here?

Mr. Atherton's secretary's supposed to meet us.

Watch out!

Boy, you could get run over here.

Yeah, Hong Kong's a busy little place.

This is nothing.

Where do you see the bazaars in Nathan Road?

You can get anything in the world real cheap.

Why, they'll run you up a suit in no time.

And they got stores where you can buy snakes for food.

Snakes?

Man, there ain't nothing like a good,
thick, charcoal-broiled...

Oh, he believed it.

Hey, when do we get to see those guys
pulling carts with people in them?

You mean rickshaws?

Ah, they got them all over the place.

I wonder how many miles they get on a pound of rice.

Uh, fellas, why don't we go?

Wait over here.

Mr.

Douglas?

Yes?

Permit me to introduce myself.

I'm Wan Tsun, Mr. Atherton's secretary.

How do you do, Mr. Wan?

These are my boys, Ernie, Chip, Robbie.

Hi, how do you do?

Charley.

This is the boy's uncle, Mr. O'Casey.

Charley, this is Mr. Wan Tsun.

How are you?

How do you do?

How does Hong Kong look to you so far?

It's neat.

Neat.

I've heard many adjectives used to describe you.

I've heard many adjectives used to describe our
community, but neat has never been one of them.

Shall we go?

By rickshaw?

I'm afraid not.

Just a plain old unimaginative limousine.

I shall precede you to the customs inspector.

Fine.

Mr. Wong Soon's a neat man, but I don't
think he's Chinese at all.

How come?

He didn't say a thousand pardons even once.

Uh, Lynn, why are you bringing me that telephone?

Oh, thank you.

Tell me, did you find the peanut butter?

Mr. Douglas has three boys, and American
boys absolutely waste away without peanut butter.

Yes, sir.

I find peanut butter at Dai Moro department store.

Too kind, chump, and smooth.

Americans also have a thing called drip
coffee, which I understand has merit.

Oh, hello.

Hello, uh, Clive Atherton here.

I'm trying to discover whether a party of Americans
named Douglas have passed through customs.

I hear can't call, Mr. Atherton.

Oh, it's all right, thanks very much indeed.

I think they've just arrived.

Thank you.

Why, Douglas, old boy, it's good to see you again.

Good to see you, Mr. Atherton.

Well, you said to bring the whole family,
and here they are.

Ernie, Chip, Robbie, Uncle Charley, this is Mr. Atherton.

Well, welcome to Hong Kong.

Lin brings some refreshments for our friends.

Well, it is nice to have you here again.

Well, thank you.

More peanut butter sandwich.

This time, chum.

Thanks.

Yeah, thanks.

We checked and we found that peanut butter
was an American diet staple.

Well, that was very kind of you, Mr. Atherton, but the boys
will be very happy to eat whatever your local dishes are.

Oh, nonsense, Douglas.

It's been 30 years since I've been in
England, but if I were to miss my tea at a

level and say, Oh, Mr. Atherton, what time would
you like to go over the plans for your new plan?

Oh, plenty of time for that, Douglas.

You've just arrived in the most exciting
city on the face of the earth.

I insist that you get to know it better.

You know, the Chinese have a saying about rushing to work.

It goes, um,

Did I get it wrong again, Lynn?

That's very good, Mr. Atherton.

Oh.

Oh, come on.

I can see by that inscrutable face of yours that I've
stabbed the Cantonese language in the back again.

I'm always getting my quotations mixed.

Well, you may tell them what I said.

Go on, go on.

I won't lose face.

You say, if every person was fat,
we would all be closer together.

Hey, Chip.

Look down there in the heart.

It's on a tongue at some place.

Hey, Chip.

They don't look so bad.

How come they call them junks?

Well, junk doesn't mean junk.

It's Chinese for bull.

No junk like that.

All right.

Boy, some view, huh?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was working with Mr. Atherton and lost track of the time.

Whenever you guys are ready, let's get going.

We got a lot of faces to look at to find Lucy.

Okay, Charlie.

Dad?

Lucy.

This is the girl, huh?

Yeah, her name is Kwan Lucy.

Charlie met her when he was here 35 years ago.

Well, if he ever finds her, she'll be 900 years old.

Well, yeah.

But let's just say that she won't be the
young girl he's looking for.

Yeah.

Hey, Rick, take a look at this.

Still got a little left here?

Yeah, when we get to Kowloon.

Can we go to Nathaniel Street first?

Where?

Nathan Road.

Oh.

Hey, Dad, I saved up a little money.

I thought I'd have one of those tailors make
me a 10-minute suit like everybody says they do.

Oh, here's it.

Let's see it.



Rob, I've heard these Chinese tailors are
fast, but they're not quite that fast, I don't think.

Dad, will you tell somebody to quit
putting peanut butter on everything?

I think it's getting in my butt.

I think it's getting in my butt.

Well, don't expect her to look...

I know it's been a long time.

Steve, I'm not searching for a good-looking young girl.

I'm searching for a good-looking old dame.

I ain't exactly a fathead.

Oh, neither way, Charlie, you're the old China hand.

Huh?

This Jasper here is tattooing that sailor.

Anybody who would get tattooed ought to
have the barnacle scraped off his brain.

Hey, Max!

Max!

Charlie!

Charlie!

Hey, Steve, this is Max.

I never could pronounce it.

It's his last name.

Hey, Max, this is my family here.

The fun tattoo, big heart, Earl, say Lucy.

No, no, no, no.

I had it taken off a long time ago.

I didn't need a tattoo to remember her name.

Max, have you seen Lucy?

She don't get tattooed.

I don't see.

Go to Bubba's shop, ask for Sue Lane.

Knows everybody.

Yeah, I will.

And I'll be back and we'll have a bowl of rice together.

Come on, let's go over to the barbershop.

Come on, let's get going.

See you, Max.

Pardon me, anybody by the name of Su Ling here?

I'm Su Ling.

Do you know a lady by the name of Kwan Lucy?

Kwan Lucy?

Nese cream of Kwan Lucy?

I don't think so.

Well, thank you.

Come on, let's go.

Charlie.

Yeah?

This is a barbershop, huh?

Yeah.

What are all the... What are all the girls doing here?

Well, they have lady barbers here.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, nice place to get a haircut, huh?

Come, son-in-law.

Steve, when you're getting the works,
I'm gonna look for Lucy.

Yeah, I'm gonna go get measured for that suit, Dad.

I'll be right back.

Charley!

Ernie and I will go down and watch Max for a while.

Yeah, we'll see you later.

I didn't mean to...

I just was commenting on the fact that we
don't have a very...

I need it as soon as possible.

I need it as soon as possible because I
have this date with this girl tonight.

Oh, we cannot make suit in ten minutes like you suggest.

Perhaps in two hours.

Ha, two hours.

Well, back home we couldn't get a suit
cleaned in two hours.

Say, uh, you're not... Chinese?

No.

Portuguese, from Macau.

Hong Kong is a mixture of all, senor.

My wife, she is Cantonese.

My friends are the Haka, the British,
the Malayans, and the others.

Most here I can to Nice.

I would give very much to visit your wonderful country.

Well, maybe you will someday.

Now, this is my material.

Yes.

You come back in two hours.

Oh, great.

All right, so long.

Henry, get me size 37 in this fabric.

That klutz is coming back for it in two hours.

Oh, what a haircut.

Oh, there's no hurry about the shoes, honey.

Why did you shine them again, huh?

Well, are you trying to put me together?

Hey, Dad, look.

Thanks very much.

You didn't.

Sure we did.

We get a whole book of them for a dime.

Got a neat magic shop next to Matt's.

Yeah, well, that kind of walks right off.

That's what it is.

Hey, Dad, I just got a message for that suit.

Oh, good.

I'm supposed to pick it up in two hours.

Two hours?

That still sounds a little fast.

I mean, I've looked in every female face
from here to the new territories.

Nothing.

Oh, and Charley, how much do I get these girls?

The price is right over there on the sign.

That's a big deal.

It's a waste of time for me to look for Lucy.

I've asked everybody I...

Steve, look!

Taxi.

It's her.

You sure, Charley?

Well, Uncle Charley, don't just stand there.

I.

Memorized the license number.

Well, that's something to go on.

Uncle Charley, what's the matter?

She hasn't changed a bit.

And I look like a reject from the old folks' home.

Oh, don't be silly, Charley.

Yeah, Uncle Charley, you look younger than lots of guys.

Name one.

Well, there's a... Methuselah?

Yeah, but I can't say that.

Let's go, huh?

Bye.

Goodbye, George.

Well, as I see it, Douglas, if your son
got the license number of the car,

then the problem of tracing Lucy should be purely routine.

Well, there's another problem.

He doesn't want to see her.

Yes, I heard the boys discussing that.

Something about, something about his being
too old for her or some such rot.

I caught a glimpse of her, and she does seem quite young.

Maybe she has a daughter who looks like her.

Oh, it's possible, you know, but some of these
lovely oriental ladies seem to defy the passage of time.

You know, the Chinese have a saying about
youth belonging to the lotus and spring

leaping about all over the place or
something like that, you know.

Uh, Wan Tsun, my lad.

You say that he was an officer on board a
ship called the Maisie Ellum?

I think she was the Betsy Hobart.

He was the chief cook.

Oh, let me see.

Oh, Wan Tsun, my lad.

Some years ago, Mr. O'Casey achieved the
gentle passion for a lady named Kwan Lu Si.

I know, sir.

The whole house is buzzing with it.

What Chief Cook's Grant of the rank of
officer in 1931, I'm referring,

of course, to the American Merchant Marine.

Perhaps on some line, sir.

However, I believe we can stretch a point.

Stretch away, then.

Mr. Douglas here tells me that the last time
Mr. O'Casey saw Miss Kwan, he was in his dress whites.

That's the way that you must see him when they meet again.

I understand, sir.

Maybe he understands, but I don't.

I'm sorry, Douglas.

I didn't intend to tell you right now, but
I've arranged a little party in your honor.

The next two is tonight.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Oh, just a few naval officers and military
attachés, diplomats, Chinese business executives.

Oh, typical Hong Kong group.

It looks like Gary and the Pirates or something.

I wouldn't go around saying that, Chip.

After all, we are the guests of honor.

Hey, where's Uncle Charley?

He must still be getting dressed.

Charley?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dumbest thing I ever heard.

Wearing an outfit like this just because
everybody's dressing formal.

Well, you look great, Uncle Charley.

You look fine.

Ah, the guests of honor.

Come along and I'll introduce you.

Here, these two cream puffs I saved for you.

Thanks.

Got Peter Butterpush inside?

Luan.

Yes, Robert?

We're the only young couple here.

Would it be okay if we went somewhere else?

I mean, I don't think Mr. Atherton would mind.

Of course.

Right after this dance.

So I brought this monkey over to the
island, and he ran away with a baboon.

Mrs. Kwong, I'm delighted you could come.

I want you to meet...

Charley.

Lucy.

Well,

that's what Uncle Charley said.

Why, see, Douglas, have you seen O'Casey anywhere?

I wanted to settle an argument about the amount
of tonnage in Victoria Harbor in the early 30s.

He talked to that lady for a long time.

Then he disappeared.

The only other time I ever saw him talk to
a lady so long was when he thought the

checker at the supermarket chipped him out of 30 cents.

Well, I wonder where he could have gone to.

I think I know.

When old Atherton introduced you as Mrs. Kwong, I figured
I'd have to fight your husband to get to talk to you.

My husband was very good to me while he lived.

I revere his memory.

Oh, heck, I revere his memory, too.

I'd rather revere his memory than have him
here hitting me with a stick.

Are you sure you're a grandmother?

You look like the same pretty little kid
that waited for me in the same pan that night.

And you look like the same young officer.

The light never was any good around here.

Lucy?

We have a saying.

The river meanders when it is young, but
when it becomes old, it lives in its own channel.

You were about to ask me to return to
America with you, were you not?

Well, yeah.

We have cut our own channels.

I with my sons and grandsons, and you with your family.

The channels are too deep.

We cannot leave them.

Heck, Lucy, I haven't cut any channels.

It's more like an irrigation ditch.

Charley, let's live these moments and think how
lucky we are that we had the chance to live them.

Most people never get to meet on Victoria Peak twice.

Loan, what I'm going to do is come back here
someday, and when I get home, I'm going to write you.

I will answer, and I'll save your letters
for the rest of my life.

Two young people, just as we were such a short time ago.

Yeah, but Robbie is right about keeping in touch.

I wish we had.

You know the boy?

I sure do.

He's one of my channels.

Okay, Composition on Hong Kong by Ernie Douglas.

Hong Kong has a peninsula that hangs down,
and if it hung down a little further,

they wouldn't need the Star Ferry.

Hong Kong has a street named Nathan Road,
and Nathan Road has Max.

You can get suits real fast.

And most of the tailors are not crooks.

But if they tell you they can give you a
suit in two hours, it's a jip,

because when you look at the label, it says New York.

If you have an uncle that was in Hong Kong


same girl he knew back in those olden days,
send him to Hong Kong, and you'll find her.

If you need a haircut in Hong Kong, five
ladies beat you up, and you have to pay for it.

And the main thing is, if you're a kid and you get to
go to Hong Kong, don't bring along any peanut butter.

That's as far as I got.

Well, I think that about covers everything, Ernie.

Right on the nose.

Now, what are you looking at, Charlie?

Travelogue.

All about the wonders of Indianapolis.