06x29 - A Hunk of Hardware

[bunniefuu]

Ernie, get in here.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Come on, Ernie, you're going to be late for school.

Stop fooling around with those silly pennies.

Okay, okay.

Does it still hurt to eat, Chip?

My throat's a little sore, but I think I
could have gone to school.

Look, you're going to take it easy today and over the
weekend, too, so you can go back to school Monday for keeps.

Gosh, Uncle Charley, you talk like I
picked up the sore throat on purpose,

like I was a crook or something.

I didn't say that, but I know how kids can
be sick all week.

Comes the weekend, zowie, they're off and running.

Girls, skateboards, baseball games,
then Monday, flop, back in bed.

Morning, Charley.

Morning.

Hi, guys.

Morning, Ed.

How are you feeling this morning, Chip?

Okay.

Uncle Charley said I had to stay home one
more day after the fever went down.

I agree.

No coffee for me, Charley.

I'll just have the juice.

I'm late.

Steve, how much longer do you have to
serve time on that jury?

Well, it's almost over.

We'll get the state summation today.

The old lady identified the boy that took her purse.

He just doesn't look like the type to me.

They never do.

Kid got a record?

Oh, yeah.

He's got a record.

He's guilty.

Throw him in the clink.

Well, of course, his past record has
nothing to do with this case, Charlie.

He's entitled to a fair trial.

Well, how old is he, Dad?

He's Robbie's age.

Every time I look at him, I wonder how I'd
feel if he were my son.

Okay, give him a fair trial.

Then throw him in the clink.

Dad, doesn't this jury junk take you away from your job?

Oh, yeah.

But it's a part of being a good citizen.

It's a duty and a privilege, really.

Well, I gotta go.

I'll see you guys.

All right.

Now, goodbye, Ernie.

I'm gonna go, too.

And, Charley, if I can't get home for
dinner, I'll call you.

And take care of the door, Chip.

Yeah, man.

I wonder why I never get called for jury duty.

Well, they can't call you, Charley.

You're exempt.

You're the mother of three growing boys, remember?

Oh, morning, Jack.

Morning, Mr. Douglas.

Say, these are for you and a package for
Chip, four cents due.

Oh, four cents, huh?

If you don't let me change, I guess Chip
can take off four cents, though.

Uh, Chip, a package for you.

Bill, Bill, Bill.

Well, uh, I'll see you, Jack.

See you, Mr. Douglas.

Morning, Mr. McAtee.

Morning, Chip.

Here you are.

Four cents to do.

Uncle Charley, my model blanket's here.

I need four cents.

Here you are, Mr. McAtee.

Okay.

Thanks a lot.

Hi.

Hi.

Uncle Charley, before you tell me what a tough
day you had, let me tell you about a really tough day.

It fell down at recess and clobbered both knees.

Miss King surprised us with a rotten English test.

And John Dunn drew a picture of Francis
Whitfield on the blackboard.

So we had to stay after school on account of we laughed.

What a day.

Yeah.

It was all peaches and cream.

Good.

What's the use of telling them what really happened?

Nobody listens.

Hi.

Hi.

World w*r I?

Yeah.

Neat.

How'd you like to fly in one of these old
crates with a bunch of bad guys sh**ting at you?

No, thanks.

Oh, Ernie, I knew you wouldn't mind.

It came postage due.

I bought four cents so I wouldn't have to run
all the way upstairs on account I've been sick.

Okay.

I'll pay you back as soon as we go upstairs.

I've got 94 cents in change in my drawer.

I know.

I check everybody's change for valuable coins.

Did you ever find anything good?

No.

Not so far.

A few Indian heads.

I guess my only really valuable penny is my 1914D.

It's worth 37.50.

Dad gave it to me to start my coin collection.

It was right here.

Right with these.

I don't know where I could...

Jim, you!

Ernie, no!

My 1914-D, minted in Denver, worth $37.50.

In another 20 years, it would have been worth a fortune.

Ernie, I didn't.

Four cents postage, stabbed in the back by my own brother.

Don't you think I'd know a 1914-D when I see one?

Ernie, I didn't do it.

I didn't give it to the mailman.

Man.

Anybody home?

Oh, hi, guys.

What are you doing down there?

Dad, you remember Ernie's 1914 D penny?

No, don't tell me you lost it.

Chip swiped it.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Uncle Charley.

That's not fair.

Chip says he didn't even see it.

It was on that table this morning.

Chip admits that he took four of Ernie's
pennies to pay the postage.

It's gone.

Figure it out for yourself.

Chip took four of Ernie's pennies to pay the
postage, and one of them was the 1914 D?

Yeah, and so far, just in case Ernie
dropped it, I've dumped out the vacuum,

looked in all the kids' pockets, and crawled over
rugs, and checked under all the pillows and cushions.

I even tracked down the mailman and got him to
go through his change in case Chip did give it to him.

By the time I found him, he could have
left it anywhere, if he ever did have it.

Well, how's Ernie taking it?

No worse than the Brinks robbery.

Move over, fellas.

Chip, just don't sit there.

Come on, look.

Dad, in 1914, it was worth one penny.

Now it's worth $37.50.

In 20 more years, it would have been worth millions.

Ernie, Chip says he didn't take the penny.

He says.

It was on the table when I left this morning.

Chip admits he took four pennies.

It's gone.

Figure it out.

I know it looks bad, Ernie, but it's still
circumstantial evidence.

Dad, with evidence like that, what would your jury do?

Well, I don't know.

I suppose some of them would vote to
convict Chip, but... Well, I'm with them.

Well, either way, the penny's gone.

What can Chip do about it?

Well, I'm reasonable.

I'll accept the present value, $3,750.

Well, that's fair enough, if you were guilty.

And he has to be my sworn sl*ve for ten years.

Well, Ernie, why don't you take it easy
for a while and let me think it over, huh?

I want to be fair to both of you.

Yes, sir.

Dad, you and I both know Chip is guilty,
only he's got two things going for him.

He's bigger than me, and he was in the family first.

Dad?

Yeah, Chip?

Would he listen to reason?

$37.50 cash and 10 years in bondage.

Dad, I'm sorry.

Lost his 1914.

But I didn't take it.

Well, Chip, we've searched every corner of the
house, and we have to face the fact the penny's gone.

Now, somebody must have taken it.

I used to save coins when I was a kid.

I know that.

Well, I helped Ernie organize all this junk by dates.

I explained to him about mint marks.

Would an old expert like me give a 1914
deed to the mailman?

Well, not on purpose, I suppose.

Or any other way.

Dad, I looked at those pennies before I
picked them up off the table.

They were all late Lincoln heads.

Are you sure?

Dad, I give you my word.

Okay, Chip, if that's good enough for me,
I better get ready for bed.

I'll try to figure what to do about Ernie.

Okay.

Good night.

Good night, Dad.

Ernie, I'm sorry I lost you in 1914, D.

Lost, he says.

You guys okay?

Sure.

Good night.

Night.

Good night, Ernie.

Even in prison, they don't make you sleep in
the same room with the guy who robbed you.

Ernie, the way we operate around here,
a guy gives his word, that's it.

Especially if the guy's bigger than you are.

Chip ain't bigger than Steve, and Steve takes his word.

They've got a very warm relationship.

Me, I'm a Johnny-come-lately.

Ernie, you've got the same rights as Chip.

And we love you the same.

You give your word, we take that too.

Okay, I give you my word.

My 1914-D is missing.

And it didn't walk away by itself.

I know, I know.

Come on now, say goodnight to Chip and forget about it.

Goodnight, Ernie.

Uncle Charlie, you can deliver a message
for me to that crook in the other room.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, my second night.

Chip, Ernie says goodnight.

So we acquitted him.

Turned out the woman needed glasses but wouldn't admit it.

When she really got a good close look at the
boy, she wasn't sure he was the one after all.

Yeah, it looks to me that Ernie is
accusing Chip the same way.

How can he be sure?

Any luck, Charley?

No.

Ernie still thinks we're siding with Chip
because Chip got here first.

I try to be fair to both of them.

I believe Ernie when he says the penny's missing,
and I believe Chip when he says he didn't take it.

At a time like this, I'm just as happy not to be a father.

You're wrong no matter what you do.

Well, Charley, neither the penny nor the
problem is important.

The important thing is the trust one
brother has for another.

That's what we're trying to protect.

Now, Chipper, what are you doing up?

I heard you guys talking down here.

I've got to do something drastic about Ernie.

Like a little smack on the chops?

No, it'd be easy to shut the little guy up.

But I've got to live with him in the same house.

Well, we all have to, Chip.

What do you suggest?

Well, you've been telling us about what
happens at the courthouse.

The jury and the judge and all that junk.

That old lady thought the kid grabbed her purse.

Well, they didn't spank her and tell her to shut up.

They listened to both sides.

Well, I've listened to both sides.

I've listened to both your sides.

Yeah, but Ernie thinks you and Uncle
Charley and Robbie are all on my side.

What we need is a jury of peers.

You want to hold court here in our living room?

With a bunch of kids?

Well, yeah, all kinds of kids,
like you had in the courtroom.

Well, what would be the point, Chip?

Dad, you said the American jury system was so great.

What's so wrong about using it at home?

Well, I don't know.

I won't be able to be here anyway, Chip.

I have to work all weekend to make up for
the lost time I spent on the jury.

But, uh, well, it's up to Robbie and Charley.

Well, you can count me out.

No juvenile trial for me.

I'm playing tennis with Gene Billingsley.

Well, we could still have it.

All we need is Uncle Charley in the kitchen.

And if the kids get out of line, he could yell at them.

That I can do.

Well, do you think Ernie'd accept the verdict of the court?

I think he'd like the idea of us trying to be fair.

Well, I guess it's worked for adults all these years.

Maybe it's worth a try.

Sure, it's worked for adults.

But have you noticed you never saw a judge
under ten years old?

Chip call you?

This morning.

Chip phone you?

Ernie called me.

Hi.

Reporting for jury duty.

Come on in.

Hi, how are you?

Hi, how are you?

Page, pass that.

Hi.

That's where the lions are.

Hey, there he is!

Yay!

The judge is about to enter.

All rise.

Morning, judge.

Morning, bailiff.

Oh, yes, oh, yes.

Court is now in session.

Judge Fitzgibbon's presiding.

I'll be seated.

Gentlemen and ladies of the jury, now Ernie and Chip
called you and told you what you'd be doing this morning.

This here is a courtroom.

I'm sure you've all seen courtrooms on TV
and know how to behave.

Yeah, kid?

Maybe you big kids have seen this junk on TV, but
I'm not allowed to stay up any later than the last of you.

Well, any of you kids who never saw a
courtroom on TV, you just sit there and watch.

You just sit there and listen, and I'll
tell you what to do and when to do it.

Thank you.

Now, Bailiff, what's the first case on the docket?

Your Honor, it's a state versus Chip Douglas.

Who's prosecuting for the state?

Your Honor, I'm the DA.

I'm also the plaintiff and complaining witness.

The DA may make his opening remarks.

Thank you, Judge.

Ladies and gentlemen, the state will prove
that on the morning of Friday last,

the defendant, Chip Douglas, did willfully
and with malice steal a valuable coin,

namely a 1914 D-penny.

Quieter, I'll clear the courtroom.

Now, who's for the defense?

I am, Your Honor.

The defense will prove beyond a doubt that
Chip Douglas is innocent.

We shall show that a nice kid like Chip
wouldn't do such a rotten thing.

Quiet!

Quiet in a courtroom!

Any further demonstration and I'll throw you all out.

Jury or no jury.

The prosecution may call its first witness.

I call Ernie Douglas to the stand.

Ernie Douglas, do you promise to tell the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth, Cub Scout's honor?

I do, take the stand, we'll skip the name
and address and jump, everybody here knows

me, the court will accept such facts as
already in evidence, go ahead witness,

well to give you the background material,
my dad gave me a 1914 D penny to start off

my coin collection, in 1914 it was
worth one cent, now it is already worth 37.


it, anywhere at 37.50, I'm going to start

saving coins, hey Ernie, a 1964 Lincoln
head worth anything, it's worth a penny

kid, come on you guys, knock it off,
one more outburst and I'll call Uncle

Charley on you, go ahead Ernie,
continue, when I left here yesterday

morning, all my pennies were on that
table, Chip was home with a sore throat,

the mailman showed up with a package,
a model plane kit, when I came home after

school, the 1914-D was gone, okay Douglas,
your witness, Ernie, let's admit,

just for the sake of argument,
that your 1914-D penny was on the table

when you left for school, now how do you
know what happened while you were away,

even admitting that I, I mean the
defendant, took four pennies, you have no

evidence that he took that penny,
somebody did, but you don't really know

who, how do you know it wasn't Uncle
Charlie, or Robbie, or tr*mp, because none

of those guys swiped four cents off the
table Ernie it's up to you to prove beyond

a shadow of a doubt that nobody but Chip
Douglas could have done it in my book he's

the guy that doesn't make it so it will
when the jury votes no further questions

judge the state rests and now for the
defense Chip the defense calls Marvin.

Opperman hi everybody hi Jim hi Marvin
Opperman do you promise to tell the truth

I do take the stand your name Marvin
Opperman age 13 Bryant Park Junior High.

School honor student what is your relation
to the defendant friend ever since he was

a kid have you ever had any business
dealings with him sure for many years

describe those dealings we traded baseball
cards cards, stamps, shells, rocks,

even cigar bands.

And in any of those transactions,
were you ever cheated by the defendant?

Gosh, no.

He's as honest as the day is long.

Real witness.

Marvin, did you ever trade with any other kids?

Gosh, yes.

Like how many others?

Like almost all the kids in school.

And in any of those trades, did you ever get cheated?

Gosh, no.

They're as honest as the day is long.

No further questions.

The big dumb witness is dismissed.

Any other witnesses?

Yes.

The defense has a surprise character witness.

Come here, tr*mp.

Come on, boy.

Come on.

tr*mp, do you know the defendant?

Do you?

Ladies and gentlemen, we all know a dog wouldn't
behave like that unless the defendant was an honest person.

Cross-examine him.

tr*mp, do you know the plaintiff?

Me?

tr*mp, do you know all these kids?

That's all, Your Honor.

No further questions.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it's in your laps.

Now, you kids file out into the dining
room and talk this over.

And when you've decided who's right and who's wrong
and what we ought to do about it, come back and say so.

Uncle Charley, how did we ever let Chip
get involved in this?

Ernie makes him look like a kid.

He handled the case real good, Ernie.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, Douglas.

Call me when the jury comes back.

I'll be upstairs drawing a chalk line across our room.

Chalk line?

Sure.

Dividing the room so they won't have to meet or talk.

Well,

I got here as soon as I could.

I had a couple of things I just had to finish.

The jury has been out for ten minutes.

Where's Ernie?

The DA is upstairs drawing a chalk line
down the center of his room.

Dad, it was awful.

Ernie didn't get it off his chest at all.

Now, I'm sure I'm a crook.

Well, I suppose I'd better go and talk to him.

Really upset.

Oh, no.

Oh, there you are.

Ernie, I thought we'd better have a little
talk before the jury comes in.

Dan, I don't know how to tell you this,
but I just found the penny.

You found it?

Where, Ernie?

Well, I was taking my pants out of the
closet and it fell out.

Here it is, the 1914 D.

Yeah, that's it, all right.

Boy, Chip was right.

I'm just a rotten kid.

No, Ernie.

No, you're not a rotten kid.

It's just that, well, you haven't been here long enough
to realize that when one of us gives his word, that's it.

But you'll catch on.

You mean I get another chance?

Sure you get another chance.

We'd better get out and tell him that
court's adjourned for the day, huh?

Boy, if I was Chip, I'd poke me right in the eye.

Don't worry, I've known Chip longer than you have.

Oh, yes, oh, yes.

Now, I'll hear this.

The jury is coming back.

Hey, Dan, let's stop it.

Oh, wait a minute.

Just for fun, let's see what verdict they bring in, huh?

Have you reached your verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

Will the defendant please rise and face the jury?

What have you decided?

Well, we did a lot of yakking before we agreed.

And it seems to us you've got to start
somewhere believing people.

And if a brother doesn't believe his own brother...
pretty soon nobody's going to believe anybody.

So we think Ernie ought to believe Chip.

And if Chip says he didn't swipe the
penny... well, that's good enough for us.

And you're not guilty?

Yeah, sort of.

You know something?

For a bunch of dumb kids, you're all right.

I'll be back in a minute... with
milk and cookies for everybody.

Chip...

Ernie has something he wants to tell you.

Chip... I found my dumb 1914 deep penny.

I was taking my pants out of the closet.

It fell out.

Oh.

How about that?

Yeah, how about that?

Come on, let's go get some cookies and milk.

How about that?

Yeah, how about that?

Boy, I'd have belted it.

Well, fortunately, Rob, with the jury
system, you don't have to belt either party.

How about that?