13x20 - Department of Justice

[bunniefuu]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

It has been a busy week.

Progressive
Abdul El-Sayed narrowly

won the Democratic
primary in Michigan.

A SpaceX rocket
crashed into the moon.

And there was a Fender Bender
on I-71 in Cincinnati, which

isn't in and of itself
noteworthy, but the way it got

reported was pretty great.

Traffic is
slowing down both

sides around this car as well
as that on ramp… oh, sh*t.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

We literally just watched
a crash happen in real time.

And I almost said
something inappropriate.

Well, not almost.

To be fair, you basically let
the whole word out there,

not that I'm judging,
by the way.

Oh, sh*t is a completely
appropriate response

to seeing a car crash happen.

An inappropriate one would
have been if you'd said "Nice,"

or "Eh, that one didn't
quite do it for me"

or a long, soft moan.

But just blurting
out "sh*t," that

is called being a human being.

And look, I would
love nothing more

than to spend the rest of this
show enjoying clips of people

swearing on local news.

But sadly, there is no time to
do that, because we're actually

going to dive straight in with
our main story tonight,

which concerns justice.

It's both a snatched,
blindfolded lady,

and also a pretty good name
for a dog above 40 pounds.

Specifically,
we're going to talk

about the Department
of Justice, which

has been in the news a lot
lately for a bunch of reasons,

from its prosecutions of James
Comey and other Trump enemies

to subpoenaing journalists
who've reported critically

on the administration.

And just this week,
we saw an absolute fiasco

surrounding Jeanine Pirro,
U.S. attorney for D.C.,

and future star of
"The Real Housewives of Hell."

You might remember
last month, she

charged this former Olympic
canoeist with a felony

for allegedly vandalizing
the reflecting pool,

justifying her
decision like this.

Hearn willfully
destroyed property.

Did he have any tools,
or was it just his bare hands?

Right now, we believe it's
his bare hands, both hands.

Does that
indicate to you that

it was probably
damaged before…

or do you believe that he…

Oh, he damaged it.

Further.

But do you believe it had
already been damaged before…

He damaged the pool.

Before he touched it?

He damaged this pool.

OK, OK, first, you have
to promise not to take what I'm

about to say out of context.

Because I do not
want to see this

pulled out
in a headline tomorrow.

OK?

That said, we shouldn't
always have to believe women,

because sometimes
women like Jeanine

Pirro and many men
can be… and again,

do not quote me on this…

dumb as f*ck,
wrong as sh*t, and

louder than a drunk parakeet.

The point is,
that was a wild claim.

And last Friday,
the DOJ quietly

moved to dismiss
the charge, acknowledging

what everyone already
assumed that the damage

to the reflecting
pool was the result

of a botched installation
and not, in fact, vandalism.

Trump, though, was not happy
about that and reportedly

considered firing Pirro,
saying that she choked,

and adding this…

I was disappointed
with Jeanine Pirro…

really disappointed
with Jeanine Pirro.

She folded like an umbrella.

OK, that is unfortunately
a very funny way of saying it.

Honestly, in another
universe, a much better one,

Trump would be a sassy
upstairs neighbor

on a long-running sitcom.

Sadly instead,
he's the president,

and his bitchy
quips about being

bummed that the U.S.
attorney for D.C.

isn't getting the results
that he personally wants

are signs of a slow-moving
constitutional crisis.

And that is far
from the only sign

that the DOJ is increasingly
acting at Trump's behest.

Just this week,
the Senate confirmed

his former personal
attorney, Todd Blanche,

as attorney general, despite
among other things, controversy

over the anti-weaponization
fund meant

to benefit Trump's allies
and the accompanying

settlement that protected
Trump from IRS audits,

which is just madness.

The deciding vote
on Blanche came down

to Bill Cassidy,
who gave a speech

outlining the many, many good
reasons not to confirm Blanche

before announcing that he was
going to vote for him anyway,

and then ending his
address like this.

I'll be criticized
for this vote.

What's new?

But…

the people of Louisiana

can be assured that I worked
hard to understand the issue

and to make the right decision.

With that, I yield.

What the f*ck was that?

That has got to be
one of the most

over-the-top dramatic
performances I have ever seen.

And I will remind you, that's
coming from someone who has now

been in multiple soap operas.

I'm on "Days of Our Lives"
next week, by the way.

Now, as for him whining,
"I'll be criticized for this,

what's new?" I don't know, man.

Maybe try voting for something
people would actually like.

If every day before work
you psych yourself up

in the mirror
saying, here we go,

another day at the as*h*le
factory making everyone

hate me, it might be
time to reconsider

some of your choices.

And look, some
of the messes at the DOJ

have obviously
been well-covered,

from the reflecting pool
to its suspicious treatment

of the Epstein files.

But the damage
to it actually goes

far beyond
the splashiest headlines.

So given that,
tonight we thought

it might be worth checking
in on what changes

Trump has made at the DOJ,
who's working there now,

the priorities
they've been given,

and what that means
for the rest of us.

Let's start with
the fact that the DOJ

is a massive
organization encompassing

everything from the FBI to the
DEA to the Bureau of Prisons.

But we're going to focus
mainly on the thousands

of lawyers who, among other
things, litigate its cases.

They've long been
held in high esteem

within the legal profession,
and at least post-Nixon

most modern presidents
have understood

that their mission necessitates
a degree of independence.

In fact, the first time Obama
met with his U.S. attorneys,

he apparently told
them, "I appointed you,

"but you don't serve me.

You serve the American people."

And as this former DOJ
official points out,

that ideal is foundational
to how the department

is supposed to operate.

In the Department of Justice,
when you stand up in court,

you don't say I'm Mike Gordon
representing particular person.

You say I'm Mike Gordon,
representing the United States

and all of its people, even
the defendant, even the

judge himself.

Exactly, you represent
all America's people,

the defendant,
the judge, Queen Latifah,

your sophomore English
teacher, the Hawk Tuah girl,

a few 100,000 Steves, white
girls with dreadlocks named

River Swallow,
and the bus drivers

who close the door
even though they

definitely saw you running.

DOJ lawyers speak
for all of them.

And even Trump's first attorney
general this term, Pam Bondi,

seemed to know enough
to promise senators

that she would
preserve the agency's

independence during her
confirmation hearings.

I will not
politicize that office.

I will not target
people simply because of

their political affiliation.

Justice will be
administered even-handedly

throughout this country.

Well, thank you, Pamela Jo.

I, for one,
have always wondered

what would happen if Elle
Woods got hooked on lorazepam.

And now I know.

But the independence promised
by pinstriped Targaryen here

clearly did not last long.

Just a few weeks
into Bondi's time on the job,

she actually accompanied Trump
to the DOJ to address staff,

where she said, "We are so
proud to work at the directive

of Donald Trump."

He then gave a speech
in which he complained

that the DOJ had become
a corrupt group of hacks and

radicals, and made
it clear that he felt

it had been weaponized
against him,

even drawing this
striking comparison.

I was attacked
by a political opponent.

And probably, it helped that I
was attacked more than anybody

in the history of our country.

Alphonse Capone,
the great Alphonse Capone,

legendary Scarface, was
attacked only a tiny fraction

of what Trump was attacked.

OK.

First, I'm sorry, Alphonse?

What are you, Capone's
mother when she's mad at him?

But second,
why on Earth would you

try to affirm your innocence by
referencing a famous criminal?

If you don't want people to
associate you with something,

don't bring up the comparison.

There is a reason that you'll
never catch me making reference

to Mr. Peabody,
or Marcy, or Milhouse, or

the Nerdy Nut Bear, the
official mascot of Nerdy Nuts,

or indeed, this sink.

I need the audience
to keep us separate.

But sure enough,
almost immediately

after Trump took
office last year,

the DOJ began to purge
officials who'd investigated

him or his allies.

And that was just the beginning
of a massive housecleaning.

And it is worth
understanding the extent

to which the DOJ's
workforce has changed.

First, it's gotten
meaningfully smaller.

Before Trump took office,
there were just under



But nearly 4,000
have since left.

And only around 1,400 have
been hired to replace them.

In fact, they seem to be really
struggling to recruit people,

as the job standards
in some offices

have been lowered
to the point that applicants

no longer even have to have
worked as an attorney.

They just have to have
a law degree and

active state bar membership.

And even some of its non-lawyer
hires have been questionable.

Just watch this exchange when
Bondi testified before Congress

in February,
and a congressman brought up

some footage from January 6th.

I want to show you
just a brief video.

It's about 30 seconds.

And I'll ask you a couple
questions about it.

Attorney General Bondi, that
man works for you now, right?

Who was that, Congressman?

The man in that video, the
one who was in the police-worn

body cam footage, the one
allegedly yelling "k*ll them"

at police officers on January


He does work for us.

He works for you
at the Department of Justice.

Yes, he does.

Yeah, not great,
especially given that

the man in question,
this guy, was

hired as part of the DOJ's new
Weaponization Working Group.

Though maybe
the worst part there

is Bondi asking
for his name as if

any one in the crowd
of screaming,

violent rioters could
plausibly be working for her.

Did I hire the shrieking
lunatic you just showed me?

You'll have to be
more specific.

I see a lot of strong
candidates and familiar

faces there.

But it's not just
personnel that's changed.

It's priorities.

As you've probably
noticed, the agency's

brought a bunch of cases
and investigations

against Trump's
enemies, including

ones against James Comey,
Letitia James, Adam Schiff, and

Jerome Powell.

And it seems fair
to suggest that many

were brought on Trump's
personal instructions,

especially given last fall,
he literally posted this note

to Pam Bondi that read "Pam…

I have reviewed over


saying that essentially
same old story

as last time, all talk, no
action, nothing is being done.

What about Comey, Adam
Shifty Schiff, Letitia.

Justice must be
served now," all caps.

Now, there have been reports
that that was actually

meant to be a DM to Bondi,
but Trump accidentally

posted it publicly
instead, which

does seem plausible to me, not
just because of the use of Pam

up top, but also
because try and remember,

Trump was born in 1946.

And it's frankly a miracle
that we don't seem accidentally

posting more things
than he thought

he was typing privately,
like Trump approval rating,

or Kristi Noem bathing suit, or
which one was Lindsey Graham?

Now, many of the cases
and investigations

I've mentioned so far
have since fallen apart.

And while I would love
to list them all for you,

it's a lot more fun,
honestly, watching

them being recited directly
into Todd Blanche's face.

The record has been tough.

For both Comey and James,
the indictments get dismissed.

The indictment against
Congressman Adam Schiff

that he called for never
gets off the ground.

The probe into those six
Democratic lawmakers,

the grand jury
declined to indict.

A judge in D.C. tosses
out a subpoena

for Federal Reserve
Chair Jerome Powell.

That's bad news
for the department, no?

Well, not bad news
for the department.

It means that
we're working hard.

Look, those are
difficult cases.

They are difficult cases,
the ones that you talked about.

And some of them are still
ongoing, so it's not…

I'm dancing around
the conversation a little bit.

But we're not going to run
away from hard cases,

even if the media
doesn't like it.

OK, first, no one's
accusing you of running away.

They're accusing you of losing.

Rest assured,
everyone believes you

ran c*ck first
as hard as you could

straight into a brick wall.

And second, I didn't
realize the existence

of repeated
unsuccessful attempts

was actually good news.

That's huge for DC
movies, if true.

And that string of failures
brings me to the fact

that a lot of people that
Trump's brought into the DOJ

seem to be well below
the standard you

would expect in their jobs.

And one key sign of this is
the DOJ's repeated failure

to get grand jury indictments.

That's often a formality
in our legal process.

Basically, the government
gets to present

its evidence without any
response from the defense.

And grand jurors merely have to
decide whether the government's

proven that there
is probable cause

that a suspect has committed a
crime, which is a very low bar.

In fact, it is
so pro forma, there's

an old saying that any good
prosecutor can get a grand jury

to indict a ham sandwich.

And before you roll your eyes
at how folksy that sounds,

you should know the sandwich
in question pulled its d*ck out

in a movie theater.

And to answer the one question
that I know you all have right

now, it was "Despicable Me."

But incredibly,
Trump's DOJ has frequently

been unable to clear
that very low

bar with one notable instance
involving a literal sandwich.

You may remember
last year in D.C.

when a man threw a sub
at a Border Patrol agent

and then ran away.

Well, in the immediate
aftermath,

Jeanine Pirro bragged
that she was going

to throw the book at him.

He thought it was funny.

Well, he doesn't
think it's funny today,

because we charged him
with a felony, as*ault

on a police officer.

And we're going to back the
police to the hilt.

So there,

stick your subway
sandwich somewhere else.

OK, so first, he can't actually
stick his Subway sandwich

somewhere else.

He pretty famously
threw it at someone.

Second, I'd argue it is
technically still funny.

And finally, no notes
on the pantsuit there.

I genuinely like that
you went to your tailor

and asked to look like Cruella
de Vil if she got away with it.

But as far as bringing justice
to the sandwich thrower,

that man apparently
offered to turn

himself in after prosecutors
issued a warrant.

But instead, they launched a
militarized 20-person operation

to storm his apartment.

And the White House even
released this dramatic video

of that raid.

We're coming down.

Every part of that
is so dumb, including

the timestamps 11:13 to 11:21.

You are telling me it took
a SWAT team eight minutes

to arrest a guy whose
crime is committed

every day by children
at recess and who had already

tried to turn himself in?

As for West End,
D.C., are you trying

to make that feel gritty?

Where did your big scary
mission happen, dipshits,

somewhere between the Spanish
embassy and the Ritz?

But the very fact they
made such a production out

of that man's arrest is what
makes it so embarrassing

that when prosecutors
eventually

showed their evidence
to a grand jury,

it declined to indict him.

Pirro ultimately settled
for charging him with

a misdemeanor, but even then,
he got acquitted, in part,

because while the agent
in question testified that,

"The sandwich kind
of exploded all over,

and I could feel it
through my ballistic vest,"

and that he, "smelled
the onions and the mustard."

The defense pointed
to video showing

that the sandwich
had actually stayed

intact inside its wrapper,
which is just incredible.

I so wish I could have seen
that agent walk into a bar

after work and respond
to "how was your day?" with

yeah, not great, to be honest.

I told a jury a sandwich
exploded on me,

but they had video.

And that is by no means
the only high-profile

prosecution that fell apart.

In Chicago,
an attempt to prosecute

the so-called
Broadview Six protesters who'd

been arrested outside
the Broadview ICE facility

was withdrawn after
misconduct by the prosecutors

there, including the fact
they'd spoken to grand jurors

outside the grand jury room.

What's more, after initially
failing to get an indictment,

they tried again
but stacked the deck

by removing some
jurors who'd previously

voted against them, which
is just not how it works.

And transcripts
of that proceeding

were an absolute embarrassment.

Check out this
exchange from October 16th

between
assistant U.S. attorney

Sherry Mecklenburg
and a grand juror.

Grand juror,
"Are you actually presenting

any new actual facts
or just a different

viewpoint on your side?"

Ms. Mecklenburg,
"OK, I'm feeling

the skepticism already.

Are you going to be able
to listen with an open mind?

Tell me the truth."

Grand juror, "I… no."

Ms. Mecklenburg,
"OK, then you have to go."

Grand juror, "I heard
this case like, last week.

And I thought it was
a crock of expletive then.

And I still think it is."

Excellent.

I know that once
you do jury duty,

you're supposed to be out
of the running for a while.

But I would argue
that we should

have that person on all juries
going forward, because they

are a natural at it.

I genuinely wish
that they'd be called

for the Elizabeth Holmes
trial just so that we'd

have a transcript reading,
juror, "Holy sh*t,

your client is guilty as f*ck.

And why does she sound
like Mira Sorvino

at the bottom of a well?"

And look, you might
be thinking, well,

that case was
completely meritless,

I'm glad the DOJ f*cked it up.

But first, remember,
for people caught up

in these bullshit prosecutions,
they've been scary,

time-consuming, and costly.

And second, the DOJ's
incompetence, unfortunately,

isn't limited to these cases.

Some of their new hires
have f*cked up cases where

the stakes are much higher.

In Wyoming, Trump's newly
appointed prosecutor,

a man who'd incidentally
never before appeared

in court as part of a criminal
or civil proceeding,

behaved wildly
unprofessionally,

including at one point,
handing out his business cards

to members of the grand
jury and inviting

them to reach out to him.

His conduct was
so egregious, a court

dismissed indictments
that he'd gotten

against nine
criminal defendants,

including ones facing
charges for m*rder

and repeat possession
of child p*rn*graphy.

And while a new
grand jury later

recharged those
particular cases,

it is not great that
this guy is seemingly

learning how grand
juries work on the job,

especially given he's still in
charge of that f*cking office.

And that is the thing here.

In normal times, the DOJ does
some incredibly important work.

But sadly, under Trump,
while political prosecutions

have risen, other
genuinely important ones

have either been messed
up or just tossed aside.

For all the headlines
about bullshit cases like

the reflecting pool
or the sandwich m*rder*r,

the real decay at the
department has unfortunately

got much less attention,
which isn't good,

because it does feel important
that people know that not long

after Bondi was appointed, the
agency began shutting down more

than 23,000 criminal
investigations concerning

things like terrorism,
white-collar crime, drugs,

and other offenses,
and including everything from

a Virginia nursing home with a
recent record of patient abuse

to an investigation
into a cryptocurrency

company suspected
of cheating investors.

But maybe the grimmest
picture of the quiet damage

a politicized DOJ can do
can be seen by looking

at its Civil Rights Division.

It's often referred
to as the crown jewel

of the Justice Department.

It was created by Congress
during the Civil Rights era

to ensure all the new laws
prohibiting discrimination

in voting,
employment, and so on

were actually being enforced.

Unfortunately, that mission
has now been turned on its head

under its current
leader, Harmeet Dhillon.

You may remember that we showed
you a clip of her earlier

this year talking about how
she finds cases to pursue

on social media
and by following

accounts like Libs of TikTok.

Well, that is just
the beginning of the red flags

when it comes to putting her
in charge of civil rights.

Someone asked me
what I think is one of the…

or the most critical civil
rights issue of our time

that's on a daily basis

And I said, I think
it is… it's not

even in the Bill of Rights.

It's the fact that
Americans feel

like they have to lie every
day to get through the day.

They have to lie
about pronouns.

They have to lie
about the person

in the cubicle next to them
being qualified if they aren't.

They have to pretend
to laugh at and

like certain types of jokes,
late-night comedians

when they don't
agree with them.

OK, obviously it is bonkers
to be claiming that the biggest

issues right now are
lying about pronouns,

job qualifications,
and late-night comedians.

Although for the record,
my audience is not pretending

to find my jokes funny.

They are simply laughing out
of an abundance of politeness

until I get to the sad
facts and numbers

that we all know
they came to see.

Speaking of which,
hey, guys, according

to the Center
for Biological Diversity,

with at least 51 whale
deaths this year,


among the deadliest

years for West Coast whales.

They love…
they love facts.

But Dhillon's
list of grievances

there is basically a bizarro
world version of civil rights,

where the only ones that matter
are those of conservatives.

For example, her division
has been aggressively looking

into supposed voter fraud
suing D.C. and 30 states

to obtain unredacted
voter rolls

to fish around for offenders.

Notably, their record
to date with those lawsuits

is 21 straight losses.

It's also launched
investigations

into admissions at universities
like UCLA and Yale

largely focused
on potential discrimination

against white applicants.

And at the same time,
it's dropped lawsuits and

investigations into all
these police departments,

including the Phoenix PD, where
the DOJ had previously found,

among other things,
severe discrimination,

routine violations of the
rights of homeless people,

and excessive use of force.

And good luck explaining
that decision.

Sorry, guys, we can't
investigate police misconduct.

Brantley here couldn't
get into Yale,

so he had to make
a federal case out of it.

He's dumb as sh*t, but his
dad's very successful.

And that used
to mean something.

But that is not all, because
the Civil Rights Division

has also stepped in to undo
settlements that it had reached

while Biden was in office.

One such settlement
involved Lowndes County,

Alabama, a historically
under-resourced,

primarily Black area,
where many residents

have never had access
to a municipal water

or sewage system.

Before the Biden era
DOJ got involved,

things there that were
really bad, as this 2022

news segment explained.

Untreated sewage can lead
to bacterial infections

and intestinal parasites.

The only solution
is a new system.

But the hard clay soil here
requires specially designed

septic systems that can cost

as much
as the median household

income in Lowndes County.

Every time it rains, people…

they know what might happen.

They know that sewage may sh**t
out and come back in the house.

Right, and that is
obviously horrible.

Because let us all agree,
under certain circumstances,

it can be fun
when water goes up.

Think of fountains,
Old Faithful, a whale

spouting… magnificent.

But now, imagine if that
spray was coming out

of a different
whale hole and it

was doing it all over your
home, where you and your

things live.

You'd be justifiably
pissed off.

And what made that
situation even worse

was the fact homeowners there
could face criminal charges,

fines, or jail time for failing
to install a septic system,

even if they
couldn't afford to.

Now, thankfully, in 2023,
the Civil Rights Division

reached an agreement that
not only stopped the state

from levying fines and other
penalties against residents

there, it ensured the state
would be an active participant

in the solution
by helping to find

ways to pay for new
septic systems, which

is obviously good.

A long-standing problem got
some traction toward a solution

when the DOJ stepped in.

But as soon as
Harmeet Dhillon took over,

she terminated that
agreement, saying

the DOJ will no longer push
environmental justice as viewed

through a distorting DEI lens.

And just listen
to local activists

who had worked
incredibly hard to bring

septic systems to their area
reacting to that argument.

When we started
doing this work,

people weren't even
saying anything about DEI.

We didn't know what DEI was.

Is fixing wastewater
in this part of Alabama DEI?

Absolutely not.

I mean, I don't care who
applies for the program.

Right.

And honestly, even having to
answer "are septic tanks DEI?"

is pretty insulting.

It's one of those questions
that should really

be laughable on its face,
but which will also now,

almost inevitably one day be
the lead chyron on Fox News,

alongside other questions like
have museums gotten too g*y,

or are butterflies trans,
or can women just stop?

And look, I am not saying
the DOJ doesn't have its flaws.

We have talked multiple
times about the problems

with prosecutors and the laws
they are called upon

to enforce, but it
can and should also be

a force for righting wrongs.

Unfortunately,
in Trump's second term,

it's become an agency where
a lot of newly hired dipshits

are running around
pursuing his vendettas

while actively
undermining work that

could actually help people.

And the institutional
damage here

has already been considerable.

Judges have apparently
begun questioning

the so-called
presumption of regularity

they extend
to government lawyers.

That's basically just
assuming that prosecutors

are not going to lie in court.

And it is hard to get
that level of trust back.

The potential long-term
damage here is

honestly difficult to sum up.

But this former DOJ
lawyer comes pretty close.

The thing is,
as prosecutors, we

have an ethical
obligation that's

higher than any other
attorney, because what

a prosecutor can do is, we can
take away somebody's liberty.

And what they're doing is,
they're driving out people that

are willing to follow the law.

And that's terrifying, because
our democracy falls apart

if there's not some
sort of law and order

that goes along with it.

Exactly.

We need prosecutors
at the DOJ who actually

value upholding the law.

And it feels insane to even
have to say that out loud.

It's one of those things that
should be a given, like we need

teachers who know
how to read or

we need barbers
who use scissors

instead of their teeth.

We're in a dangerous
place if this

is even a f*cking discussion.

And look, the hard
truth here is

that a lot of the damage
I've discussed tonight

probably won't be possible to
undo until Trump leaves office.

And at that point,
there will clearly

be a ton of work
to be done, starting

with rehiring the competent
lawyers who've

left or been pushed out.

But in the meantime,
it is worth

remembering that as bleak
as this story is…

and I know it is bleak…

so far, thankfully, a lot
of the systems guardrails

have actually held up.

When Jeanine Pirro
folded like an umbrella

over that reflecting
pool case, I'm

guessing it wasn't out of any
sense of personal shame.

After all,
you've seen how she dresses.

More likely, it was, as some
former prosecutors have argued,

fear of getting sanctioned.

As one has said,
the D.C. federal bench

has not been reticent
in holding prosecutors

accountable, which is good.

Also, you've seen
judges throw out

some of the most
egregious cases

and grand juries decline
to bring charges.

And it's going to be important
for that to keep happening,

even as Trump continues
to stock the federal bench

with utter maniacs.

In fact, there is
a real argument

right now, even
more so than usual,

that if you get called to serve
on a jury or a grand jury

that you do do it.

And I know that that can
be a really tough sell.

Not everyone is thrilled with
the idea of jury service,

but I will remind you,
there are real upsides here.

One, they give you
a small stipend.

Two, you get a sense
of civic pride.

And finally,
if you are lucky,

you might end up
on the news for telling

a lazy government
prosecutor that their case

is a complete crock of sh*t.

And now this.

It is also
Grab Some Nuts Day.

And I would
normally reach for…

OK.

- Macadamia nuts.
- Macadamia nuts.

Yes. Sorry, I just
looked at Crystal.

And she was giggling
a little bit.

And I lost it.

If it feels like Christmas
and your birthday

all at once, that's because
it's the best day of the year.

It is National
Grab Some Nuts Day.

It's National Grab
Some Nuts Day, so enjoy…

enjoy your mixed ones today.

OK.

So it's National
Grab Some Nuts Day.

Now…

Uh-huh, uh-huh, exactly.

Now, can we keep it above
a fourth-grade level, Desiree?

No, we can't.

We're all children.

It is Grab Some Nuts Day.

A handful of…

Peanuts.

Snacks.

- Walnuts, snacks.
- Mm-hmm.

So there you go.

- So it's a big day.
- Mm-hmm.

It's a big day.

Snacks.

Just figured I'd
better be safe.

Moving on.

Finally tonight, a quick
update about Buc-ee's.

You may remember
a couple of weeks ago,

we talked about their habit
of suing businesses

for trademark infringement,
going after everyone

from a cartoon moose
to a koala bear

to an alligator that looks
nothing like a beaver

but a lot like it was
in D.C. on January 6th.

Well, in response, we set
up our own store selling

branded Buc-off merchandise.

Now, the good news is,
we've raised almost half

a million dollars for Hunger
Free America so far.

The bad news is,
it doesn't seem

that Buc-ee's got the message.

Because apparently,
they're at it again.

Buc-ee's is
in the spotlight again

suing local shop
Beaver Mini Mart

claiming the Beaver Creek
business used a name

and logo too similar
to the company's well-known

beaver branding.

According to complaints,
the mart's

drawing shares similarities
to the Buc-ee's mascot,

including wide
eyes, a smile, and

red as the predominant color.

Yeah, it turns out, they're
still filing lawsuits.

It might be time
to name the Buc-ee's

beaver Mitch McConnell,
because it seems

this b*tch will not quit.

Also, those cartoon
beavers clearly

look nothing like each other.

To pick one obvious
difference, the Buc-ee's logo

wears a hat while the
Mini Mart beaver is still

in an Eden-like
state of innocence

where he knows not
that he is naked,

nor to cover his nakedness.

I'm sorry, but I can
spot when a beaver

is born with original sin.

And bingo, buddy, it's you.

The details of this latest case
are just incredible, because it

turns out the mini mart
has been going by that name

since at least 2019,
while Buc-ee's has

only been in the state
of Ohio since April.

Also, its new location there is


brisket, jerky, beaver nuggets,
and more than 100 gas pumps,

whereas Beaver's Mini Mart is
a local corner store that sells

lottery tickets, has no
gas pumps, and is miles

from the nearest interstate.

In fact, here is what they
look like side by side.

That mini mart looks like
something that they would

sell inside of a Buc-ee's.

And yet, Buc-ee's
alleges that its name

and beaver logo
are likely to cause

confusion among consumers.

But how exactly?

There is no way
anyone is confusing

their local convenience store
with a gasoline Valhalla



And look,
on top of all of that,

remember, the mini mart
is literally in a place

called Beavercreek.

So it's frankly no wonder
residents there are pissed.

We're the city
of Beavercreek.

There's beavers everywhere.

I think the lawsuit
is so dumb.

There was a constant
stream of customers

at Beaver's Mini Mart today,
many with a similar purpose.

Made me want to come support
them and just help out a local

business that is being…
what really feels like

bullied by a big corporation.

Reading into it more
that Buc-ee's has

gone after other
companies over this,

it just put a bad
taste in my mouth,

because they just seem
like such a fun company.

And to see this, that they're
coming after a small business

like this, it upset
me like it did a lot

of Beavercreek residents.

Yeah, I bet it did.

Because even though that
man seems even-keeled there,

that is as upset as someone
from the Midwest gets.

He's politely expressing
disappointment, gently shaking

his head, and wearing
the Ohio version

of warpaint, which is a tucked
in Cleveland Browns lanyard.

That is the New York
equivalent of setting

a police car on fire.

Buc-ee's lawsuit is
characteristically aggressive.

Among its demands
are that the mini mart

destroy all signage
and any other materials

with its name or logo
and file a report

in writing, setting forth
in detail the manner

and form in which it did so.

Which feels wildly
over the top to me,

Describe in writing
how you destroyed

your mascot is one
step away from saying

send us the severed head
of your beaver or else.

And look, as many Beavercreek
residents have pointed out,

if Buc-ee's won't
let the Mini Mart use

a beaver in its logo,
that could be a slippery slope,

because they've understandably
got a bunch of beaver stuff

there from
Beavercreek Pizza Dive

to the Bowling Alley
Beaver-Vu Bowl.

The town's annual popcorn
festival has a beaver mascot,

as does
Beavercreek High school,

whose mascot is literally
named Bucky the Beaver.

And he has been
around for decades,

by the way, as you can
see from this almost

certainly haunted photo.

Please say that you
can see him too.

I really don't want to be
the only one who can see him,

because he looks
like the only photo

they show in a true
crime documentary

of the serial k*ller.

They even have
fiberglass beavers

all over town with
various themes,

including a doctor beaver,
an air force beaver, a disco

beaver, and appropriately
for this story,

a Lady Justice beaver.

She and the disco beaver
are hooking up, by the way,

but you didn't hear it from me.

Now, thankfully,
other local businesses have

been showing their support.

Rabbit Hole Books posted a new
version of their logo with

a beaver in it with a caption
reading,

"Come and get us, Buc-ee's.

You don't own every beaver"

Which is undeniably true.

And they weren't the only
ones temporarily rebranding.

Dozens of local businesses
all over Beavercreek and

the Dayton region
showing their solidarity

with Beaver's Mini Mart
by adding some

beaver-inspired designs.

Blueberry Café is one
of the businesses who

poked a little fun
at the whole situation

by jokingly changing their
logo to a blueberry beaver.

Excellent.

And while I don't love the
obvious answer to the question,

"How did all those businesses
come up with beaver logos

so fast?" I do love
that they have clearly

gone full "I am Spartacus"
on a rodent-themed

gas station chain.

And it didn't stop there.

A local bakery sold solidarity
cookies saying, "Shop local.

Protect your beaver,"
which is a solid message

no matter the legal landscape.

And a T-shirt company sold
these excellent T-shirts

to raise money
for the Mini Mart

and its legal fund,
which has also been heavily

supported by this GoFundMe.

The point here is,
people in Beavercreek

are not letting this go.

It's really got Beavercreek
in an uproar right now.

So many people are upset.

What's next?
What's next?

Beavercreek was here
before they were.

How dare they?

Their beaver doesn't
even look like a beaver.

They should be sued
by "Alvin and the Chipmunks,"

because that's
what it looks like.

Oh, shots f*cking fired.

And by the way,
she's right about that.

Buc-ee does look
a lot like Alvin.

Alvin wears a red hat.

His accent color is yellow.

And they both look like
they lost their virginity

to a Justin Bieber song.

Now, admittedly, the face
in the Buc-ee's logo

is a little lumpier.

But if the lead singer
of the Chipmunks

ever got Macaulay Culkin
in "My Girl,"

he'd be a dead ringer,
literally a dead ringer.

You can't bury him
without his glasses.

But look, I gotta
say, I just love

how protective of the mini
mart the local community is.

This is a genuine question.

Can a town be president?

Because I truly haven't
been this inspired by a town

since one
in Connecticut literally

named a sh*t factory after me.

Look, it is
unbelievable how badly

Buc-ee's is f*cking this up.

Instead of just dropping
their bullshit lawsuits

in the wake
of our piece, something

that would have generated
them a tremendous amount

of goodwill, they've tripled
down by going after yet

another small business.

And in the process,
they've managed

to mobilize the most
passionate and

dedicated community of beaver
fans on planet Earth.

And look, you can
and should go buy

some of Beaver Creek's merch.

It's all excellent.

And for what it's worth, you
can still buy our Buc-off

merchandise at buc-off.com.

Interestingly, we were actually
planning on closing that store

down on September the 8th.

But as long
as Buc-ee's is suing

that mini mart in Beavercreek,
it is staying f*cking open.

And if anyone at Buc-ee's
corporate headquarters

is watching this right now,
I've actually got someone

who'd like to say hi to you.

It's Mr. Nutter Butter.

Here he is.

- Oh, he's here.
- Hey, everybody.

Hi, John.

Oh, Mr. Nutterbutter,
great to see you.

What a fantastic
T-shirt you've got.

How are you doing?

Have you got a message
for Buc-ee's right now?

I sure do.

Y'all can go buck yourselves.

Yeah.

Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.

You seem a bit sad,
Mr. Nutterbutter.

Are you disappointed because
Buc-ee's hasn't sued us yet?

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Is that because you wanted
them to sue us, and then lose,

and then we'd get to film
a big musical number

in Times Square where we
tell them to eat sh*t,

and then later, they die?

Yes.

Yeah, me too,
buddy, but don't

worry, it could still happen,
especially because our store

is still open.

You can buy Buc-off
merchandise at buc-off.com.

That is our show.

Thank you so much for watching.

We'll see you next week.

Good night.

We did it, buddy.

We did it.

Let's!

Welcome, welcome, welcome.