07x05 - Arrivederci Robbie

[bunniefuu]

In.

Class, have you and Chip picked out a college yet?

Well, no, we haven't been able to find a college
where Chip can major in electric guitar and folk singing.

I have the same problem with Preston.

He'd like to get a Ph.D.

in surfing.

Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, Steve Murray,
but something's come up.

Oh, we discovered our mistake here.

Three times 12 is 36.

And you can't get any closer than that.

That's not what came up.

The father-son dinner of our boys' junior
high class has hit a snag.

What's the matter?

Don't the kids want to eat with us?

Of course they do.

As chairman of the entertainment committee,
I've had to revise our after-dinner activities.

I thought you'd lined up and asked him not to give a talk.

Yeah, well, NASA threw me a curve.

They called him back to prepare for a new test in space.

Oh, well, of course you can always get the mail.

Now, look, I think I've got a great idea.

You know those quiz contests they have on
TV between college students?

Well, we're going to do the same thing.

A father and son quiz show.

What fathers and what sons, Dave?

Well, three of us against our three sons.

Chip and Preston and Dave Jr. Well, Dave,
that wouldn't be much of a contest, would it?

I mean, after all, they're just kids and
we're all college graduates.

Dave, we don't want to make them look foolish.

Now, look, did they take pity on us at
last year's picnic ball game?

No.

I remember your son struck you out four times.

Three.

Come to think of it, my boy laughed at me
when I got a Charlie hose.

Well, it might be funny with Preston,
but let's take it kind of easy on him.

He is.

But is it fair?

I mean, isn't it kind of one-sided?

They're grown men.

Well, I'm not worried.

Now, you boys may only be in junior high
school, but you're all excellent students.

Well, I'm talking about our fathers.

They've been out of school.

They've been out of school so long, they
probably forgot everything they ever knew.

They won't have a chance.

We'll clobber them, just like we did in the ball game.

Boys, boys, let's not be egotistical.

We're not being egotistical, Mrs. Terry.

We're being humane.

After I struck my father out three times,
his ulcer acted up for a month.

Mrs. Terry, to quote an ancient Chinese proverb,
dutiful son should always respect honorable father.

Now, now look, boys, I've already accepted the challenge.

And, uh, to quote an expression that I've
heard around here, we can't chicken out.

Well, I guess we can't.

Well, we have to go, Mrs. Terry.

It promises to be a very exciting evening.

Hey, Preston, I kind of like that ancient Chinese proverb.

Who said it, Confucius?

No, Lenny Rubin.

He writes up fortune cookies for my uncle's restaurant.

Charlie, don't you think Dad's going to win?

Right now, he's deader than these ducks.

Oh, hi, guys.

Hiya.

Mmm, something smells good.

What's for dinner, Charlie?

Ducks.

Mmm.

Uncle Charlie thinks you're deader than they are.

Oh, he does, doesn't he?

You certainly are.

Tiny with Chip and his pals and that quiz.

I tried to talk Mrs. Terry out of it, Dad, but no go.

Oh, Chip, I'm sure you don't have to worry about us.

I'll walk you all the way, Dad.

You'll skunk them.

Thanks, Ernie.

Well, I'll get washed up for dinner.

Oh, Steve, what happened to that astronaut
that was going to speak at the dinner?

Oh, he had to go back and take a new test or something.

Well, why don't you guys join him?

You'll be safer in outer space.

I think we've just about got it lit.

Just about.

And this one hasn't been easy, Steve.

Oh, sorry, Steve.

I'm sorry, Dave.

Well, how about knocking off for the day, fellas?

Well, we're just about finished with this project.

Now, look, we've got a more important
project, that quiz contest tonight.

Oh, Dave, you worry too much.

Well, I'm worried because I know my kid.

He picks at me like Koufax.

He's liable to answer questions like Einstein.

Questions will be simple.

They have to be, otherwise it wouldn't be fair to the kids.

It'll be about, uh, general information.

Yeah, well, that's why I brought these books.

You see, now, there's the almanac and the
famous dates and the encyclopedia of history.

Dave, we're not stupid, you know.

Mrs. Terry is going to ask questions
junior high kids can answer, like,

when was the Battle of Waterloo?

Sure.

Well, let's see, the Battle of Waterloo
was fought in the year, uh, 1815.

Right.

June the 18th.

Oh, really?

Well, let's just check on that.

Huh?

All right.

Let's see, Battle of Waterloo.

Hey, you know, you're right.

You see, it's amazing how it all comes back to you.

I guess it's kind of like riding a bicycle.

Or pulling a rickshaw.

All right, gentlemen, gentlemen, I
think it's time for our contest to start.

Now, I'm sure you all know our contestants.

The father contestants are Mr. Douglas,
Mr. Welch, and Mr. Wong.

And the sons are Chip Douglas,
Dave Welch, Jr., and Preston Wong.

All right, now, the rules of the contest are very simple.

Ten points for each correct answer.

Ten points deducted for each incorrect answer.

And the first team to score 50 points wins.

Does that sound mathematically sound, Mr. Wong?

Well, offhand I say yes, but I wish I had my slide rule.

All right.

Now, is it clearly understood by all that each
question must be answered within ten seconds?

And if the first team fails to answer,
then the question goes to the other team.

Ten seconds will be fine.

Okay by me.

Dad, if you want thirty seconds, it's okay.

Ten is plenty.

Just remember, son, he who laughs last
brings home the bacon.

Hey, that's a good one for your uncle's fortune cookie.

Yeah, I'll tell Lenny.

All right.

Now, we'll start with the first question to the father.

What was the starting point of the Lewis
and Clark expedition to the Northwest?

Well, I know they ended up at the Columbia River.

Oh, I asked where they started from, Mr. Douglas.

It's someplace in the Midwest.

I got it, Kansas City.

Wrong, Dad.

St. Louis.

Correct.

Ten points for the son.

All right, boys.

Who saved Captain John Smith's life?

I don't know.

It's not our turn.

Pocahontas.

Correct.

That gives 20 points to the Simon.

All right.

Fathers.

Who was Pocahontas' husband?

I didn't even know the chick was married.

Blame, like, Rogers or Rollins.

Yeah, the first name was James or George.

I'm sorry.

Time's up.

Boys.

Oh, Rolf.

John Rolf.

John Q.

Rolf.

He didn't ask his middle name.

Anyway, that's correct.

And so the boys now have 30 points.

All right.

Boys, this question is rather difficult.

How long did the Ming Dynasty last?

I'll take that, Mrs. Terry.

The Ming Dynasty lasted from the 10th to the 12th century.

It's wrong.

It's wrong, and it's not your turn anyway.

The 17th century?

That's correct.



All right, fathers.

Here's a question for you about the Battle of Waterloo.

We're ready for that one, let's have it.

All right.

Where was it fought?



June the 18th.



When I waited, I didn't say when, I said where.

Oh, where?

Oh, Europe.

Well, where in Europe?

Waterloo.

What country, Mr. Douglas?

Oh, what country?

Well, it was the lowlands, Holland.

Sorry.

Boys.

You were close, Dad.

It was Belgium.

The fun's 50 points.

And, gentlemen, I think the game is over.

The fun's 50, father's minus 40.

Mr.

Soutop?

No, the questions were simple.

That's what makes it so embarrassing.

Unsuspecting foot can sometimes stub big
toe on small pebble.

Thank you.

I know you'd get clobbered, but minus 90.

Wow.

It wasn't minus 90.

It was minus 40.



Yeah, don't feel too bad.

It's not whether you win or lose.

It's how you play the game.

You guys must have played like a bunch of clucks.

Oh, Dad, it was great.

We were just lucky.

No, no, no, no.

Enjoy your victory.

We tried our best, but it just wasn't good enough.

Well, aren't you supposed to be a good
sport when you knock off an opponent?

Yeah.

And you really knocked us off.

I'll say one thing, Dad.

You might have goofed tonight, but
those kids can't build planes the way you do.

Thank you.

Don't be too sure.

But maybe they ought to get a crack at it.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Rob.

Hey, Dad, I met Mrs. Terry.

I heard the fathers blew it.

Tough luck.

Yeah, but they were in there trying.

Well, we were in there trying.

Steve, I wish you'd stop saying that.

No, what bugs me is how Steve could miss
out on where is Waterloo.

Well, it bugs me too, Ray.

I don't know why I said Holland.

I've been to Brussels, and that's only 33 miles away.

I guess Holland was where Napoleon wished he was.

No, Ray, don't laugh.

That's Steve.

After all, you missed the Ming Dynasty
question, and you're not a Norwegian.

The whole thing's over, so why don't we settle
down and try to forget the whole miserable episode?

You're right.

It's water under the bridge.

At least we were in there trying.

May we come in?

Oh, yes.

Come in, Mrs. Terry.

I hope we're not disturbing you, Ken.

Oh, no, no.

Not at all.

I'd like you to meet Mr. Reynolds of our local TV station.

This is Mr. Douglas, Mr. Wells, and Mr. Wong.

Gentlemen, it's a pleasure.

Now, this shouldn't take more than a minute.

It so happens that a member of my staff
was at your father and son dinner.

Now, he reports to me that your quiz
contest was delightful as well as educational.

Oh, it was educational all right.

We learned how much we didn't know.

Well, Mr. Reynolds has a wonderful idea.

He'd like the two teams to meet again on
television next Friday night.

Television?

You mean you want us to appear on television?

Yeah.

We'll give it a terrific publicity buildup.

The whole city will be watching it.

Well, it's a shame you picked Friday.

I have to be in New York on Friday.

I'll be in San Francisco.

I'm sorry, but I'm tied up, too.

It's too bad.

Mr. Reynolds was going to pay us $500 for
the school library fund.

Well, it's too bad we're tied up.

Yes.

$500, huh?

Mr. Reynolds, would it be possible to clear
time for the quiz show on, say, Thursday night?

It certainly would.

Well, that's fine, because we're not busy
on Thursday night, aren't we, fellas?

Well, as a matter of fact, Thursday will
be fine, Mr. Reynolds.

Fine.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

And you'll have the highest rating in Bryant Park history.

And thank you on behalf of the library fund.

You will let us know the time.

Yes, I'll need to.

Well, Steve, have you blown your top?

What are you doing to us?

It was bad enough losing in front of a few fathers.

Now, you fixed it so all of Bryant Park
will be laughing at it.

Now, wait.

Have you stopped to figure out why we lost?

We lost because we were overconfident and we goofed it.

Now, the boys took the whole thing very
seriously and they studied.

Now, just a minute.

Remember me?

I'm the guy that suggested studying in the first place.

Oh, that's right you did, Dave.

Well, I think if we study this time,
we've got a good chance of winning.

Right, Ray?

Right.

Then we'll study.

I've still got those research books.

I'm going to call my grandfather.

He's a wing-ding on anything ming.

Remember, we have the age, the experience,
and the education.

And, uh, the most to lose.



On the button.

Three longest rivers.

Nile, 4,145 miles.

Nile, Amazon, 3,900, Mississippi, 3,711.

One mile off on Mississippi, but we'll notice.

Name three Greek philosophers.

Aristotle, Socrates, and Plato.

Very good on Greek philosophy, Dave.

Majored in it.

Well, you know, this three nights of
boning up's done us a lot of good.

We just might give the boys a surprise.

Hey, Ray, we'd better get into that
ancient Chinese category.

Oh, yes.

Got my grandfather's book right here.

Good.

Ask me some questions.

Oh, that's going to be tough.

What's the matter?

This thing is written in Chinese.

Well, let's move on to geography.

Steve, name the highest mountain peaks in
North America, Europe, and Asia.

Mount Mckinley, Mount Blank, and Mount Everest.

Great in geography.

I'm pushed.

Look, what are we racking our brains out for?

We're stitched to take them again.

Yeah, let's quit.

Good night, Chip.

See you, Chip.

Hey, wait a minute.

Aw, Chip, we don't have to study anymore.

We'll beat them worse than last time.

That's what I was just thinking.

What do you mean?

You know, maybe we shouldn't.

Shouldn't what?

Try too hard.

Well, this is going to be a big TV program
with millions of people tuned in.

Bryant Park?

Okay, thousands.

I mean... Well, supposing we were
fathers and our kids made monkeys out of us.

We'd feel pretty embarrassed.

As fathers, I mean.

Yeah, we would.

You're right.

Our dads are going to come in for a lot of ribbing.

Not if they win, they won't.

Are you saying we should let them?

Why not?

They're pretty good guys.

The best.

I hate to say it, but I gotta go along with you.

Then it's settled.

We take a dive.

And the questions will be general information.

Ten points will be scored for each correct
answer, ten points deducted for mistakes.

The team having a higher score at the end
of the 30 minutes will be declared winner.

Our moderator this evening, the vice
principal of Bryant Park Junior High School, Mrs.

Joan Terry.

You know, maybe we should have donated that $500.

Something's wrong with the color set.

They look awful pale.

The set's fine.

They just got that white look because
they're walking the last mile.

Right?

The first question is for the students on
the subject of American history.

Name the dates when the following states
were admitted to the Union.

New York, Vermont, and Alaska.

New York, 1788.

Vermont, 1791.

Alaska, 1900 and...



Sorry, uh, fathers, do you know that answer?



Well, Alaska was admitted in 1959.

Well, that's correct.

Uh, 10 points for the father.

And minus 10 for the son.

Uh, good work.

Now a question for the father.

Name the opposing generals at the Battle of Waterloo.

Napoleon for the French, Luca for the
Prussians, and Wellington for the British.

That's 10 more points for the father.

Uh, now a question for the boys on the
subject of marine life.

Is a whale a fish or a mammal?

A whale is a fish.

Sorry, uh, father?

A whale is a mammal.

That's correct.

Chip, I'm surprised at you.

I guess I forgot.

That's minus ten for the sun.

What's the score now?

Our side's winning.

It's a runaway for the dance.

The contest will resume after a short film
about our new library.

Shoes on the other foot tonight, eh, fellas?

Never thought he'd be such a cinch.

I'm a little surprised.

I'm a little surprised myself.

Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen.

While we're off the air, I want to tell
you how well it's going.

This is going to be the talk of Bryant Park.

Mr. Reynolds, how much longer does this library film run?

Just two more minutes.

Is it all right if I talk to our opponents?

Oh, yes, of course.

I can't thank you enough.

This is really going to be a big smash.

Nice going, fellas.

Now, I haven't seen my dad so happy since
I got rid of my beetle haircut.

Here comes your dad.

One of those questions is sure tough tonight.

Hey, you're doing great tonight, Mr. Douglas.

Yeah, we are, aren't we?

Well, I, uh, I think I know why.

Because you fathers are smarter than us kids.

That's why.

You bet.

Absolutely.

No, that isn't why.

It isn't?

Oh, you fellas know it isn't.

Chip, you don't do anybody a favor by trying
to give them something they don't deserve.

We're not winning this game.

You're handing it to us on a silver platter.

Well, I don't know why you're saying that.

A whale is a fish.

I know you know better than that.

You fellas are a lot smarter than you're
showing, and we fathers aren't quite as

dumb as you think we are, so in this last
round, you play on the up and up.

You try to win.

Win?

Us?

How can we?

You fathers are so far ahead.

Well, believe me, we can use the advantage.

The first chief justice of the Supreme Court was John Jay.

He served from 1789 to 1795.

That's correct.

And the score is now tied.

Fathers 90, sons 90.

Take it easy, Dave.

This is where experience and cool head counts.

Not if she rings in a ming.

Let's see.

We just have time for one more question
for the fathers on the subject of aviation.

Hey, we're in.

We're in.

Who made the first flight over the Antarctic continent?

Was it Bert?

Was it Wilkins?

Ray?

Don't look at me.

I know it wasn't Sun Yat-sen.

You've got to make a choice.

I said, what do you think, Bert or Wilkins?

Bert.

Uh, Admiral Richard E.

Bert.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, boys?

Tough luck, Dad.

It was Sir Hubert Wilkins.

That's correct.

And the Suns win the game 100 to 90.

At least it was closer this time.

Oh, it was a simply marvelous show, and so
suspenseful, especially the way the boys came back and won.

Yeah, how about that?

Well, we were in there trying.

Sorry, Dave.

What a program, what a program.

The phones haven't stopped ringing.

It's the best thing ever seen on local TV.

Oh, and have I got a great idea.

You know what we're going to do?

We're going to televise the annual Fathers
and Sons baseball game this year.

How does that strike you?

Well, I'll be in Vladivostok.

I'll be in Hong Kong.

I'll be with them.

In both places?

Yes.

What could be as nice as an hour with my three sons?

How about an hour with three daughters?

Sure.

Stay tuned for Bobby Joe, Betty Joe,
Billy Joe, and everyone at the Shady Rest.

Hotel on Petticoat Junction as TV Land's
Twice as Nice Morning continues.

We'll be right back.