07x08 - Fiddler Under the Roof

[bunniefuu]

I'll give you three beats.

One, two, three.

Ernie, what's all that for?

If we wanted cymbals, we would have sent
for John Philip Sousa.

I just wanted to play along with you guys.

Well, sorry, Ernie, but this arrangement
doesn't call for podcasts.

Yeah, the cymbals kind of throw us, Ernie.

I wanted to be part of the family.

That's all.

Oh.

Well, I'll tell you, Ernie, why don't you
be the audience part?

Okay.

I guess so.

Three beats, fellas.

One, two, three.

Okay.

I've been kind of worried about Ernie since last night.

Yeah, well, me too.

He's kind of left out.

That's the first time he ever showed any interest in music.

Well, if that was music, those pot covers need tuning up.

Almost dented my ears.

Maybe it's time the Douglas Orchestra got a bigger sound.

I was thinking the same thing.

We could have a bigger sound.

We could build up the string section.

Say, that's a good idea.

We'll arrange for lessons for him and... No problem.

I'll teach him.

Oh, you think you can?

Listen, when I was in the Merchant Marine,
there was a stoker on board ship,

Harry Dombrowski.

He had fingers as thick as bananas.

I taught him to play the violin so good he
was known as a Yasha Haifetz of the Pacific.

Well, if you can teach Harry Dombrowski,
Ernie ought to be a cinch.

The more I think of it, the more I like it.

A violin gives us a touch of class.

Is the violin for you?

Uncle Charley's going to teach me.

He's the best violin teacher in the whole world.

He taught Harry Dombrowski.

Harry Dombrowski?

Harry Dombrowski?

He was the Yasha Haifetz of... Never mind.

Come on, let's see a fiddle, will you?

Yes, yes, I have just the thing for you right here.

Now, this is the violin that we always recommend.

What do you recommend for beginners?

What's the cost?

Only $75.

Too much.

It's beautiful, Uncle Charley.

Would you care to try it, sir?

All right.

Did you ever hear such volume?

Such roundness of tone?

Never.

What do you got for the lesson?

Well, just this old piece of, I should
say, this lovely old instrument here.

How much?

$20.

$15.

I like the other one better.

You've got very good taste, my boy.

He likes the other one better.

That one's good enough to start with.

$15, take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Sold.

You mean it's mine?

And someday I'll be able to play like Harry Dombrowski?

Maybe, if you practice.

And don't break those priceless fingers punching some kid.

Here you are, Ernie.

Come on, my boy.

Aha.

I knew there were more cookies.

He hit them in the cake.

Say, you know, that doesn't sound too bad for a $15 violin.

Nice tone.

Yeah.

Way to Uncle Charley.

That's Ernie's plan.

When you first took up the trumpet,
you didn't sound like Louis Armstrong.

That's Ernie.

You know something?

I think the pot covers sound better.

Well, this means a great deal to Ernie.

He's the only one in the family who doesn't
play a musical instrument, and he feels left out.

So we'll just have to be patient, that's all.

No matter how bad it sounds.

Where do you go to buy earplugs?

You can just put a little cotton in on your ears.

Well, that's enough lesson for today.

Couldn't I play it just one more time?

Okay, one more time.

I guess I should have quit while I was ahead.

Ernie, Harry Dombrowski didn't play so
good at first either.

Don't worry, I'll never give up.

I'll practice and practice.

Attaboy.

Let's face it, Dad, even tr*mp doesn't like it.

Well, Ernie, tr*mp can sit up and he can
give you his paw and he can fetch

sometimes, but, well, I wouldn't consider
him a music critic.

But maybe I could play better if Uncle
Charlie skipped all those stupid

exercises, taught me a real tune, something
real pretty, and then I could play with the family.

No, Charlie's right, Ernie.

I mean, before you can play a real tune,
you have to really work on those scales.

Okay, if you say so.

But in new math, they pass over all that two
and two make four junk and go right to algebra.

Hey, Dad, maybe I'm playing new music.

Maybe you are, Ernie.

Come on, give me the glasses.

Now, you just keep on practicing,
Ernie, no matter what any dog says.

Good night, son.

Good night, dear.

Long, smooth strokes, the way I told you.

I can't seem to do both, Uncle Charley.

When I make them long, they're not smooth.

And when I get them smooth, they're not long.

Ernie, when did I start giving you lessons?

Two months ago, on a Friday, remember?

Yeah, how could I ever forget?

Ernie?

Let's lay it on the line.

How do you think you're doing?

Well, I think I'm improving.

How do you figure that?

Two months ago, I couldn't play at all.

Yeah, and from there, we've been going downhill.

What do you mean?

Well, the way I look at it, maybe I'm not
going to be able to teach you after all.

But Uncle Charley, I've been counting on
you, so I can play with the family.

Listen, Ernie, everybody can't teach everybody.

Now, what I mean is that some teachers
just don't go with some pupils.

Now, that doesn't mean that the teacher is
bad, and it doesn't mean that the pupil is bad.

It just means that they're not right for each other.

Understand?

Uh-huh.

But what's that got to do with me?

Oh, now, don't get the idea that I'm throwing in the towel.

Maybe you need to take lessons from somebody else.

Hey, Ernie, listen.

How would you like to go to a genuine violin school?

Hey, Neat.

You mean I'll be getting a real teacher?

Yeah, we'll do it scientific.

Oh, boy.

Violin teacher.

Not yet.

Wait till we get there.

All right, my boy, take the violin and let
me hear you play.

I'm ready now.

Good, good.

Commence.

I'll be back later, Chip.

Oh, hi, Rob.

How is this going out?

Oh, you have a date tonight?

I didn't have until Nero started in again.

See you later.

Yeah.

Well, Chip, I'm glad to see your brother's
practicing doesn't bother you.

How did everything go at school?

Chip?

Chip?

Oh, hi there.

Did you say something?

I just asked if everything went well at school.

No, fine.

Charlie?

Oh, hi.

Hi, Steve.

Sorry I'm late.

I saved you some dinner if you don't mind
music to lose your appetite by.

But you know, Charlie, considering the
length of time he's been practicing,

he...

Sounds pretty awful, doesn't it?

Usually you have to give him an E for
effort, not for excellence.

That's the trouble with people that can't play.

Those are the ones who love to play.

Love the practice.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But I played it just like you showed me.

Oh, well, not exactly.

Ernie, come over here, my boy.

Look, let me explain to you something.

Violin is a sensitive instrument.

It's loving, gentle.

The wood is selected and seasoned carefully.

Oh, so carefully.

The pieces, all the 70 of them, are
shaped to fit together with minute exactness.

And with all of that painstaking effort,
with all that rare craftsmanship, comes the.

...

I guess you can't teach me either.

My boy.

At the end of the term, not every student is
good enough to play in Professor Lombardi's recital.

But nobody leaves Professor Lombardi
without being able to play a summary.

Then I'll be the first.

Never, never, never.

You will play, you will.

Even if it's something as simple as this.

Hey, that's real nice, Professor.

Thank you.

Hey, Ernie.

I didn't know you could play Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

You recognized me.

Most of it.

You're improving.

Really?

You think I'll be able to play with the group soon?

Well, we don't play Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

Well, you could learn.

I'll teach you.

What I mean is, we play harder things.

What you mean is, I'll never be able to play with you.

I'll never belong.

I didn't say that.

Well, some things don't have to be said.

A guy can tell when he's not wanted.

Professor Lombardi's having a recital for his students.

I don't get to play in that either.

When you don't belong in one place,
you don't belong anywhere.

Ernie, you don't need Professor Lombardi.

You can have a recital of your own, right here.

Big deal.

Who would come?

All the kids.

Big deal.

They wouldn't like it.

Well, sure they would.

No, they wouldn't.

How do you know they wouldn't if you haven't tried it?

Ernie, you've got real talent.

You've got a real beat.

What?

Well, if I'm gonna have a recital,
you better let me rehearse.

A violin recital.

Ernie's.

I didn't say he could play.

I said he's having a recital.

Because we're serving ice cream and
chocolate cake, that's why.

Okay, but remember, you gotta applaud a lot.

The whole idea is to make Ernie think he's good.

Yeah.

Okay, see ya.

Hi, Susan.

This is Chip.

Listen, I gotta talk to you fast before Ernie comes down.

Can you come over for a recital tomorrow?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ernie Douglas.

Thank.

You, thank you.

I would like to play my favorite in years,
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Cream Chip.

See you at the ballpark.

I told.

You it was great stuff.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, fellas.

A guy who has his own recital ought to be
able to play in the family orchestra.

Did you hear my recital?

Well, I just came in on the tail end of it, Ernie.

Wasn't it needed, Chip, to arrange it for me?

So you arranged the whole thing, Chip?

Yeah.

Isn't there something you'd like to tell
your brother about his recital?

No.

Oh.

I don't think so.

I think he has a right to know about all
the arrangements, Chip.

Come on, Dad.

Wait a minute.

You mean something was going on.

The kids didn't really like it.

Sure they did, Ernie.

You heard them whistling and clapping.

Yeah.

You told them they had to.

No, I didn't twist their arms or anything.

The whole thing was set up.

It was all pretending.

Chip?

Well, I felt sorry for you, Ernie.

Thanks a lot.

All those guys were sitting there whistling and clapping
on the outside and hissing and booing on the inside.

Not all of them, Ernie.

Gee, Dad, why'd you have to embarrass me in front of Ernie?

Well, Chip, why did you have to make a
fool of Ernie in front of all his friends?

Well, he wouldn't have known how rotten he
played if he hadn't said something.

He's going to have to face the truth sooner or later.

There's no way to make him feel like he's
part of the family.

Well, Chip, it may be the only way.

Stay tuned.

Ernie?

I don't feel like talking.

Please, Dad.

Vern, I hope you realize that Chip meant well.

He shouldn't have done it, but, well,
he was trying to make you feel better.

Then how come I feel worse?

Well, I'm sorry you feel worse.

I thought you were old enough to accept it.

Well, the truth is I'm not a musician.

Sit down for a minute, Ernie.

Maybe you're not a musician, but that's
nothing to be ashamed of, Ernie.

I mean, after all, there are plenty of
people who just don't have an ear for music.

Um, no ear for music, no talent, a wipe out, right?

Well, maybe you're a wipe out when it comes to playing
the violin, but I wouldn't let it bother you too much.

There are plenty of other things you do very well.

Name one.

Well, uh, well, you're a darn good outfielder,
for one, and you're batting over 300, aren't you?

Yeah, but the whole family can't play baseball together.

Well, no, no, but, uh, well, we certainly
do a lot of other things together, don't we?

Yeah, but I want to be part of the family orchestra.

I know her.

I'll tell you.

I'll talk to the fellas, and maybe we'll
put you back on cymbals again, huh?

No.

Like you said, the cymbals are three.

Here.

I won't need this anymore.

Give it to Uncle Charley.

Maybe he can get his money back.

Take a day, fellas.

Okay, I'll give you four beats.

One, two, three, four.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12,


Charlie, you didn't take it back.

Didn't Mrs. h*ifers take back Yasha's first fiddle?

Okay, Ernie, ready?

Okay, Dad.

You'd better have an A first, huh?

An A?

Well, never mind.

Why don't you start us off, Ernie?

Okay, I'll give you four beats.

Well, what are we going to do?

Stick around.

I'd be glad to.

There's another episode of My Three Sons
straight ahead on TV Land's Twice as Nice Morning.