07x12 - A Falling Star

[bunniefuu]

Oh, almost got me.

That was the old Tibbs to do, and that was
Dan's first set-up.

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, how about getting in the game?

Me and Gary against you and Ernie.

Oh, well, thanks, but at my age,
I think golf's more my speed.

Don't let me interrupt your game.

We're just horsing around, Dad.

Okay, g*ng, let's go.

Come on, Gary.

Let's go, John.

Come on.

You're clear.

Now sh**t.

Oh, nice try.

Uh, Ernie.

Yes, Dad?

Ernie, don't you ever get the ball?

No.

But it's your driveway.

And my basketball.

Yeah, but don't you think it'd be nice if
the fellas let you sh**t once in a while?

I don't want any favors.

This is dog-eat-dog.

But like you said, I gotta keep trying.

You said it didn't matter whether you won
or you were a big star.

The main thing was to keep trying.

All right, and do your best.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Well, doesn't it still go when you don't have much hope?

Well, sure it does.

So, uh, get back in there and, uh, keep trying.

You betcha, Dad.

Nice shot!

Boy, that game really takes it out of you.

Yeah.

Hey, there's old Mike.

Now he shows up.

Yeah, we're gonna play two-on-two.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, what's with the W?

Winnebago.

Winne-who?

Winnebago College.

My dad went there.

He was a four-letter man.

I think my dad was, too.

We've got an attic full of old trophies.

I think we have, too.

My dad was in tough Eastern competition.

I think my dad was, too.

I could show you golden gloves from Rutt
Metal from Madison Square Garden.

I think I could, too.

Madison Square Garden?

I'll just bet.

La, la.

Look, you guys, I say we go home.

Each guy finds his family's best proof,
and we meet here in 20 minutes.

Good idea.

Talk's cheap.

Yeah, talk's cheap.

Okay.

My dad says put up or shut up.

All right, put up or shut up.

Well, I'll see you guys in 20 minutes.

We'll prove this once and for all.

Boy, I'll show those guys.

Uncle Charley.

Hey, you didn't drink your carrot juice.

I don't like carrot juice.

You don't have to like it.

It helps you see.

I don't need carrot juice to help me see.

I'll wear glasses.

Come on, drink it.

I don't have time.

I gotta dig up Dad's best trophy and meet the guys.

Where are they, Uncle Charley?

All that junk is up in the attic collecting dust.

Okay.

Hey, you still didn't drink your carrot juice.

Kids don't know what's good for them.

I don't need it.

I've seen everything.

The Bainty team.

Oh.

Well, those kids don't look too close.

The Bainting team?

It was a real tough debate.

They fought all the way.

The Bainting?

You've got to be kidding.

I'll tell you guys something.

My dad could beat your dad any day of the week, right now.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Put up for show.

Put your money where your mouth is.

Yeah.

Okay.

How about our dads having a free-for-all?

Bites to the finish.

Nah, they're too civilized.

Basketball?

Ah, sissy stuff to my dad.

Touch football?

You've got to be kidding.

My dad's rough.

I've got it.

A tough, mean, hard test.

That's the idea.

Like what?

A cross-country run.

Two miles.

Through the woods.

As far as Scrooge's gas station and back.

I like it.

Suits me.

You got a deal.

Away from the day.

Time to train for it.

No alibis.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

And may the best day ever win.

Don't touch that dial.

My Three Sons will return after this.

My Three Sons in TV land.

My Three Sons in TV land.

Cross country.

That's pretty funny.

Oh, I'm serious.

Mike and Gary and Tom were bragging about their dads.

One thing led to another.

And another led to me running two miles cross country.

Against Mr. Linden, Mr. Bennett, and Mr. McCracken.

Oh.

When is this supposed to take place, sir?

Next Saturday.

Well, I'll tell you.

You make it a saxophone contest or a bridge
tournament or matching sacroiliacs or something like that.

No running across country for two miles, not at my age.

Dad.

Dad.

You can beat those old guys.

Ernie, I know those old guys, and I know
they have sense enough not to get involved.

Well, what if they do and you don't?

Well, then I'll be the only one going to
work on Monday morning.

You're sure?

I've never been sure.

Now, come on, eat your breakfast.

Dad, was I that weird when I was a kid?

Yeah, I think so, too.

I remember one time you wanted me to beat
up Norman's father.

I very cleverly took care of it over the phone.

A father has to protect himself at all times.

What are you so happy about?

I took a beating at school.

You don't look it.

I'm not physical.

Spiritual.

Those three loudmouth kids were making up
the rules for the dad's race.

Yeah?

If they said anything rotten about our
dad, I'll clobber them.

Well, that's the terrible part.

They didn't say anything about him.

They just took it for granted he wouldn't
compete on account of their dad's are

athletes and our dad was on the debating team.

Well, it just shows our dad's smart enough
not to get involved in that dumb race.

I realize it's dumb.

Sometimes a guy has to do dumb things.

It's a matter of honor.

Like if a kid dares you in front of a girl
to eat a raw egg.

I guess that's right.

Yes?

Joe Linden?

Oh, certainly.

Send him right in.

Hello, Joe.

Hi, Steve.

Well, what brings you out of the bank this time of day?

Well, I had to see you.

I'm not overdrawn.

No, Steve, I'm in trouble.

Well, sit down, Joe.

Thanks.

What's the trouble?

Well, you know my son, Gary?

We are.

He was over at the house playing
basketball with Ernie the other day.

He's a very coordinated kid.

That's the trouble.

He is, and I'm not.

Wait a minute.

Did you come over here to talk to me about
that ridiculous cross-country race?

Uh, it isn't ridiculous to me, Steve.

It's tragic.

Well, I just told Ernie I wouldn't even consider it.

Well, that's easy for you, but, well, just my luck, Steve.

Gary loves and admires athletes,
and, well, I've never been any good.

You, but Ernie told me all the other
fathers were loaded with trophies and medals.

Gary was just trying to protect my image.

He knows all our medals were won by his mother.

I'd sure like to fit the picture that Gary has of a
father, but I've never won anything in my whole life.

Well, then, Joe, just do what I did.

Tell him you won't do it.

I can't.

Gary expects me to chicken out.

I know that look in his eye.

But if all the other fathers refuse and there
isn't any race, then Gary can't blame you.

Do you know Harry McCracken, Mike's dad?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, even among beavers, Harry would be considered eager.

He's been there for any kind of contest, just to show off.

I pleaded with Dave Bennett.

He's put a lot of weight on lately,
but he still thinks he's 20 years old.

Well, I just wanted to find out what you intended to do.

Well, I intend to have the courage to admit
that at this point I am no cross-country runner.

Sure.

Ernie will admire you anyway.

Well, so long, Steve.

Well, so long, Joe.

Hi, Ernie.

Oh, hi, Dad.

I got it.

Hey, you got nine.

That was lucky shot, Ernie.

I can't seem to get the idea.

Well, you keep trying, you'll get it.

Dad, those things you tell us kids,
do they only go for kids?

Oh, no.

The older you get, the harder you have to keep trying.

And to do your best, even when the odds are against you?

Right.

Except when you don't feel like it.

Oh, no, no.

That's when you have to give it a little extra.

Well, then how come?

How come what?

Oh.

Ernie, are they actually going to have
that cross-country race?

To have it?

The other three dads can't wait for Saturday.

They're real fighters.

Dad, you said a man should accept a
challenge and do his best, and you said win or lose.

I wouldn't expect you to win, you being on
the debating team and all that, but at least.

...

Okay.

What time do I have to be on the starting line Saturday?

Nine O'clock.

Nine O'clock.

Okay, here, let's issue that.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Come on, Dad, quit clowning.

Don't you worry about your dad.

I'll run rings around those old guys.

Oh.

That was good.

Come on.

All right, Mike, sh**t it hard.

Hard.

Are you all right?

Sure, I just lost my balance.

Oh, you wait till I get in there against
those out-of-shape codgers.

You'll be proud of your dad.

We'll m*rder him, Dad.

Yeah.

La, la, la, la, la.

Oh.

Dad, are you all right?

Dad, maybe you ought to find some excuse.

Anyway, who needs a race?

La, la, la, la, la.



What'd you stop for?

I'm waiting for my breath to catch up.

I lost it back there someplace in the 70s.

Get yourself a rope and join me.

Look, I'm a lover, not an athlete.

Here you go.

One, two, three, four, five.

And I invited you to have a bunch of me
because I have a problem.

I have a broken back.

I was trying to get in shape.

I hurt muscles I didn't even know I had.

I feel great.

You all remember my pitch about calling
this off to begin with.

And I was surprised at you.

You want your son to think you're a panty waste?

He thinks that now.

It can only get worse.

Joe, if you ask us here to talk about the
race, well, after all, it's tomorrow morning.

I don't see where there's much we can do about it now.

Well, believe me, I'm not asking to win.

I only want to make a showing.

Sorry, Joe.

Every man for himself.

I couldn't even walk two miles.

Look, supposing I park my car behind some bushes.

And we all jog over to the car.

And drive to within a hundred yards or so from the finish.

And, well, we come out and pretend we've
been running all the way.

Yeah, everybody breathe hard.

Yeah.

Won't work.

I know the route of the race.

It's a mile to Grogan's gas station, a mile back.

You'd be driving back the way you started.

Well, how about hiding in the bushes?

Waiting a while and then coming out and
running to the finish.

It's kind of tricky.

But I like it.

An all-out race for the last hundred yards.

We could sprint.

It would look great.

How about it, Steve?

Well, if it's so important to Joe, well, sure.

I just hope I can last the hundred yards.

I guess I better skip it.

I've been training.

Don't touch that dial.

My Three Sons will return after this.

Soft Rock, 97.1 Wash FM has once again been voted
Washington's most popular listen while you work radio.

Okay, all runners on your marks.

Well, Ernie, you wait here at the finish
line, and if everything goes well, I'll be back.

Oh, no.

Those guys will be on our bikes, pacing you guys.

It's part of the deal.

We kids figured you needed us to pace you.

To pace us?

You mean you fellas are going to ride along with us?

Sure.

We'll be with you the whole two miles.

On your marks.

Get set.

Go!

At least they started.

That's farther than I figured they'd get.

We have plenty of liniment.

Two miles to go.

Why don't we go have lunch and see a double feature?

We'll be back here in plenty of time.

Attaboy, Dad.

You got those plunkers beat a mile.

Come on, Dad.

We're passing in the strip.

Dad, you tired yet?

Not a bit.

Don't you worry about me.

We're getting pretty far ahead of you.

Well, there's a long way to go, Ernie.

Besides, I didn't promise to wait.

I just promised to do my best.

And this is about it.

Dad, sprint!

Dad, you okay?

Okay?

Are you out of your mind?

I'm ruined for life!

Oh, my leg!

Dad, get up!

Keep going!

You can beat those guys.

You can hop faster than they can run.

Mike, I've got a Charley horse that's k*lling me.

Call an ambulance.

Dad!

Huh?

Oh, look!

Hey, Terry!

Come on, let's go.

Oh, there's the halfway Mark.

Okay.

Get up, Dad, please!

Don't you understand, son?

It hurts.

Uh-oh!

Hey, Dad, you didn't touch the sign.

Oh.

We're winning!

Atta boy, Steve!

Good for you.

So, dear, winning may not be the important
thing, but it sure beats losing.

Ernie!

Dad?

Dad, I'm gonna have to stop and take a rest.

Oh, okay.

Take a breather.

We're way ahead anyway.

Then we'll go from the finish.

Ernie, I'm not so sure I can finish.

Sure you can.

We got the race in the bag.

Come on, Dad, you can do it.

Ernie, I'm pretty tired.

I may have to finish on all fours.

Well, if that's your best, go ahead, on all fours.

Hey, Dad, here comes Mr. Linden.

Well, what do you know, Ernie?

Come on, Dad, they're going to pass us.

Yeah, how about that?

Let's go.

Quick.

Hey, they're passing us.

Dad, they've passed us.

Wow, what do you know?

Come on.

Come on, we've got to catch up to them.

Okay.

Okay.

They've already broken the record.

What record?

For the slowest time in the history of racing.

Any age, any distance.

Hey, here comes somebody.

That's Dad.

Hey, Mr. Linden.

Yeah.

Come on, Dad, you can do it.

Sprint.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Dad, we won, we won.

Dad, you were great.

You actually finished.

Yeah, I finished.

Sure did.

Came in second.

Came in second.

How's your leg, Dad?

Huh?

Oh, oh, my leg's fine.

You were great, Dad.

Thanks, Dad.

Uh, thanks for what, Ernie?

For letting Mr. Linden win.

Oh.

Oh, he, he ran a good race, Ernie.

Uh, thanks for what, Joe?

Oh, come on, now.

You won the race fair and square.

You just outlasted the rest of us, that's all.

Well, sure.

Matter of fact, I thought I was gonna beat you
there for a minute until I got that, uh, Charlie horse.

Oh, it'll be all right.

I'll put some heat on it, take a little rest, and...

Yeah, those things take a little longer at
our age, don't they?

Yeah, I'm afraid this is the first and last
annual father's cross-country race, huh, Joe?

Well, congratulations, anyway.

What?

Your son called you Tiger, now.

Great.

Yeah, I'll see you next week, Joe.

Goodbye.

Well, how do you like that, Charlie?

He accuses me of throwing the race so he
could look good to his son.

Yeah, well, well, you either threw the
race or it was the most miraculous

recovery from a Charlie horse in medical history.

Oh, well, you know how things are, Charlie.

At our age, you over strain and you get a
muscle spasm and you rest a little and it's gone.

No, I don't know.

I never ran a two-mile race against three
guys old enough to know better.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

Boy, you'd think Gary Lennon's dad was headed
for the Olympics just because he won this morning.

Gary's really proud of his dad.

Yeah.

All of a sudden, his dad can lick his
weight in a while, Captain.

You and I know he couldn't beat you on his
best day if you weren't Mr. Nice Guy.

Ernie, you didn't say anything like that to Gary.

Oh, no.

Good.

Uh, I guess Gary's just making up for all the years he
didn't have anything to brag about, so let him enjoy it, huh?

Sure.

What I was thinking about was...

Ernie, I know that look on your face,
and if it means an uncle race,

the answer is no.

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