07x26 - Help, the Gypsies Are Coming!

[bunniefuu]

Uncle Charley?

Yeah?

Are you going to be busy tomorrow after school?

I'll be fixing Turkey leftovers.

Why?

Miss Benson, my teacher, wants to see it.

Me?

Yeah.

I told her Dad was out of town.

You in some kind of trouble?

I hope so.

What do you mean, you hope so?

All the kids think she likes me.

What's wrong with that?

Well, they call me the teacher's pet,
and they make fun of me.

You don't have to go if you're going to be
busy with the Turkey.

That would really make her mad at you.

Yeah.

She calls me Ernest.

What do you want her to call you, Elmer or George or...

She can call me Ernest or Douglas or,
hey, you, the boy with the glasses in the

third row, like she does with some of the other kids.

Okay, I'll go over and check on the action.

You can tell her what a rotten kid I am.

What did you say her name was?

Benson, Miss Benson.

You don't have to talk nice to her, Uncle Charley.

Okay, okay.

I got the message.

Hi, Rob.

Oh, hi, Dad.

We thought you were staying in Washington.

Here, let me take that up for you.

Oh, thanks.

The chairman of the committee got the flu, so they
postponed the meeting until next week, so I came home.

Well, welcome home.

The rest of the family home?

Well, Ernie took Chip to the mall shop to celebrate.

Celebrate?

Yeah.

He's happy about being in trouble at school.

He's celebrating being in trouble at school?

Yeah.

You see, the kids think that Ernie's the teacher's pet.

He hates it.

He'd rather her yell at him just like she
does the rest of the kids.

Oh.

Guess I'll have to talk to Ernie's teacher
on how to handle Ernie.

Oh, you don't have to, Dad.

Uncle Charley's there now.

Rob, just what did Ernie do?

Oh, he doesn't know.

But he expects Uncle Charley to make sure
that she stays mad at him.

Oh.

Yes, come in.

Come in.

Yes, come in.

I'm Charley O'Casey, Ernie Douglas' uncle.

Oh, yes.

I'm Verna Benson.

It's nice to meet you.

It's good to know you.

Ernie said you wanted to see me.

What did he do?

I beg your pardon?

The kid Ernie, what kind of trouble is he in?

Oh.

Trouble.

No, no, he's not in any trouble.

Mr. O'Casey, um, about a week ago,
Ernest wrote a story about you.

Oh, here it is.

Telling about your adventures when you
sailed the seven seas.

He never mentioned it.

Well, he probably didn't want to embarrass you.

He hero worships you, you know.

And I'm beginning to understand it.

Making co-princes easy?

Stranded on a cannibal island, attacked by a k*ller shark?

Is that all true, Mr. O'Casey?

Sure, but that was a long time ago.

Incredible.

Just incredible.

I'd show you where the shark's teeth rate
me, only it's up here.

I just love reading every word of your adventures.

I could tell you some things I couldn't
tell a kid like Ernie.

Mr. O'Casey.

Would you join me a cup of coffee?

Okay, if you'll let me treat.

Here, let me.

Oh, thank you.

Uncle Charley back yet?

Not yet, Ernie.

I wonder what's keeping him.

You must be in big trouble if he's taking
this long with Miss Benson.

Maybe she's bawling him out for having a
nephew who's a rotten kid.

I guess it takes longer for a teacher to
bawl out a grown-up.

Ernie, are you sure you don't remember what you did?

No, Dad.

Maybe she's picking on me like she does
with the other kids.

Bally, bally.

Oh, it sounds so colorful.

I guess so, but my favorite was pango, panga.

The native villages, the wonderful people, the feasts.

Ah, those memories.

The native villages, the wonderful people, the feasts.

Pango, pango.

Well, someday.

Don't fool around with that someday stuff.

You want to go, go.

Just impossible.

Can't you talk your husband into it?

Oh, I'm not married, Mr. O'Casey.

Call me Charley.

Charley, thank you.

No, I never was married.

Oh, yeah, Ernie told me it was missed, but so what?

After I'm a bachelor, we start even.

My mother's a widow, and I've been taken
care of ever since I graduated from college.

Sometimes it seems to me that I've used up
most of my life between school and mother.

That's too bad.

A kid like you ought to get around, live it up a bit.

Are you settling down in one place now?

Yeah, until I get the itch to move again.

You know how it is with us old sea dogs,
once the sea calls.

Charley, you are the most interesting man I have ever met.

You have lived.

And I don't regret a single port, Miss Benson.

Oh, call me Verna.

Verna?

Oh, I knew a Verna once in Trinidad,
head of a smuggling ring.

Took me for 200 simoleons.

Charley?

Would you do something for me?

What?

Would you have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, it would just thrill Mother so much to meet you.

I think I can arrange it.

Oh, that's marvelous.

This will be the most exciting thing that's happened to
Mother since she won the hot plate at the Church Bazaar.

Suddenly, there it was, straight ahead,
a geyser of water sh**ting a mile high.

What'll we do, Captain?

The first mate says to me, reverse
engines, I order, then lower away.

Did you get him, Uncle Charley?

I sunk the harpoon myself.

Then we started towing him to port.

What happened then?

The line broke and we had to go.

We had to go after him again in the dinghy.

Tell us the whole story over again, Uncle Charley.

Some other time, Ernie.

I got to sweep up and do the ironing and the
washing so I can get ready for the teachers tonight.

There you are, Chip.

I tied it with a bowling nut so it can't come apart.

Thanks.

Uncle Charley, you ought to be on the Late Late Show.

Okay, everybody out.

I got to get this place ship-shaped.

Okay, so I can be there at seven bells.

Well, after we left Mozambique, we set sail for Djibouti.

Now, that's a port on the Gulf of Aden.

You'd be surprised the things that go on down there.

Well, anyway, I picked these up once in Fiji.

You know what these are?

Whale teeth.

They use the teeth for money.

I thought that was peculiar.

Until I sailed to the island of Yap.

Being teachers, I'm sure you've heard of it.

It's a group of islands in the western Pacific.

You got any idea what they use for money down there?

Stones shaped like donuts.

About this big.

So heavy you can hardly lift them.

And then I hit the island of Pango Pango.

I went for the weekend.

And I spent six months.

A man could die there with a big smile on his face.

This is what the fellas wear.

And this is what the girls wear for their
ceremonial dances.

And Bryant Park did be arrested.

And would you believe it?

Some of those teachers asked me for my autograph.

You must have made quite a hit, Charlie.

Well, I signed Charlie O'Casey before I found
out that they wanted Captain Charlie O 'Casey.

Captain?

Well, I laid it on a bit.

Who wants to listen to a sea firing cook?

When are you going to see Miss Benson again, Charlie?

Who knows?

She showed me off to her friends.

I guess that's all she had in mind.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Uncle Charley.

What's all that you're lugging in?

Well, some of Uncle Charley's good junk.

He loved all your good junk at school, Uncle Charley.

Yeah, I guess I did.

With all those teachers crowding around
and Werner dragging me off.

Ernie, you mean you walked all the way
home from school carrying that good junk?

No, Miss Benson drove me.

Boy, am I in trouble.

The kids saw me walking with her to her car.

That's all I need.

Oh, she's out in the car now doing things
to her face before she comes in.

Before she comes in?

Steve, I can't let Werner see me like this.

Charlie, Charlie, wait a minute.

Ernie, don't let her in yet.

Sit down.

Open the floodgates.

Oh, hi, Miss Benson.

Come on in.

Well, thank you, Werner.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Werner.

Thanks for bringing the stuff back.

Oh, I'd like you to meet Mr. Douglas, Ernie's father.

Steve.

Oh, I'm sorry I was so busy.

Miss Benson, Ernie's teacher.

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, I'm so happy to meet you, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, very nice to meet you.

And may I tell you what a wonderful son you have in Ernest.

Well, thank you.

He's very fond of you, too.

Oh, my, what a charming home you have here, Mr. Douglas.

You must be a marvelous housekeeper.

Oh, thank you.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll get on with my work.

Charlie.

Yes?

I have something exciting to tell you.

What is it?

If you'd like to be alone, I still have my beds to do.

Oh, no, no, no.

You'd better help with your dusting.

Charlie, would you like to go somewhere
for a cup of coffee?

Yeah, I hate to be anchored in the house too long.

Charlie.

You don't have any tobacco in that pipe.

I wondered how come I was getting such a cool smoke.

I'll get my coat.

How would you like to skipper a small
cargo boat on the old pango pango run?

Great.

But it's a little late, Verna.

Too many years, too many barnacles.

Who'd give me a shot at anything now?

I would.

Oh, sure.

I guess if you were the head of a line, you'd sign me on.

Charlie, I...

I resigned from teaching this afternoon.

Resigned?

Oh, Charlie, ever since I met you, I've been
building up to it, and it's... it's now or never.

But you're a teacher.

I'm a vegetable, growing up in a town, watching the years
roll by, never going anywhere, never doing anything, or...

Charlie, I don't want to get old without ever having lived.

But your mother... Oh, we talked
it over last night, and she agrees.

She has a sister in Chicago, and then,
later on, she can join us.

Us?

Charley, you're not so old.

There's still time.

But, Verna, I mean, well, maybe,
well, I guess I'm not very smart.

You'll have to say it simple and clear.

All right.

I have enough savings in my bank account
to pay for our passages.

One way, living expenses, chartering a boat, enough.

You mean you, Bryant Park, the pango pango, just like that?

Just like that.

But, Verna, you just can't jump into this
thing all of a sudden.

It takes thinking, facing all the problems.

Charlie, do you really still want to return to pango pango?

Sure.

With me?

Of course.

I hear there's a whole other world outside of Bryant Park.

So,

now she wants to marry me and take off for the South Seas.

Boy, me and my big mouth.

You want to go with her, Charley?

Sure, if she could make it 30 years ago.

I just want to be sure of one thing.

You're not hesitating because you feel you
have an obligation to stay here with us.

Obligation?

Me?

I'd call it a privilege.

But if it weren't for us, you'd pack your
gear and go, wouldn't you?

No, not really.

It's a nice dream and it's something to think about
that a great gal could want me, but the dream is over.

I'm awake.

I know how old I am.

Then tell her, Charley.

Just like that?

Just like that.

That I can't go because I'm a housemaid
and not an old sea dog waiting to sail again?

How do you feel about her?

Well, like somebody's calendar got fouled
up and we met a lot of years too late.

And she's the right woman in the wrong time.

Yeah.

Then you won't want to hurt her.

No.

Charlie?

Come in.

Hey, Uncle Charley, why didn't you tell me?

I called Stubby Felsen about some homework
today, and he said Miss Benson quit today.

I'd better move fast.

Maybe we'll get someone to yell at me real good, huh?

Ernie, Uncle Charley and Miss Benson are
talking about getting married.

They're moving away.

Uncle Charley, no!

Well, it isn't definite, of course.

Uncle Charley?

Oh, I'll let her pat me on the head and tell me what a
nice boy I am, even if the kids do call me teacher's pet.

Let her go on teaching us.

Only don't you go away.

He isn't really going to leave us, is he, Dad?

No, I don't think so, Grant.

I think Uncle Charley's voyage to the South
Seas begins and ends with his little walk.

Oh, hi, Charley.

Uncle Charley, you going to the South Seas?

Nope.

You, uh, told Miss Benson, huh?

Yeah, I looked her right in the eye and
told her I wasn't going nowhere.

Just like that?

Well, I kind of built up to it.

I told her I was chief cook and bottle
washer and a mother to you kids.

And what's more, I liked it.

It used to be all that other stuff.

Well, you said it, mate.

Used to be.

I imagine Mrs. Benson was pretty disappointed.

How did she take it, Charley?

I mean, what did she say?

Not a word.

She just sat there.

That's the way I left her.

Just sitting there.

Dad, he talks like he really wanted to marry Mrs. Benson.

I was just sorry about admitting he didn't
see all the seven C's anymore.

And did a lot of housework.

Well, some of each, I suppose.

You can't turn back the clock, but
that doesn't mean you wouldn't like to.

I'll get it.

Hello.

Hello.

You must be Robbie.

Mm-hmm.

I'm Verna Benson.

Is Mr. O'Casey in peace?

Oh, yes.

Come on in.

I'll get it.

Thank you.

Hello, Miss Benson.

Hello, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Chip.

Hi.

Hello, Ernest.

Hi, Miss Benson.

It's all right for you to visit us now
that we're getting a subteacher.

The guys can't say anything about that.

I guess it would be embarrassing to have a
teacher in your own home, Ernie.

Hi, Verna.

Hi, Charlie.

I came to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

I ain't going nowhere.

Come and sit down.

Oh, but I am.

I'm going to Pango Pango.

I'm sure that once I get there, I can get a job, you
know, perhaps even teaching in a government school.

Pango Pango?

You?

Alone?

I'm flying out of here tomorrow.

I just have a little bit of time to get
packed and make the arrangements.

Verna, are you sure you know what you're doing?

I am positive.

Oh, this is a chance of a lifetime,
and I'm not passing it up.

Well, you're right.

Oh, Charley, of course I will.

And perhaps I could look up some old friends of yours.

There were a few.

No, they'd all be grandmas by now.

Goodbye, Charley.

Goodbye, Verna.

Wish you could have gone with me.

So do I.

But I'd always be grateful to you for
showing me the road out of Bryant Park.

Maybe you can write sometime and send me
a couple of news stories from the South Seas.

What could be as nice as an hour with my three sons?

How about an hour?

With three daughters.

Sure.

Stay tuned for Bobby Joe, Betty Joe,
Billy Joe, and everyone at the Shady Rest.

Hotel on Petticoat Junction as TV Land's
Twice as Nice Morning continues.